Beyond Bipolar Blog

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Vlog #15 - No Pills Delivered, What is the !@#$ing Deal!

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

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Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

That's Mental:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQK0nfuSYXVZWL0hYi_e09dm

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #14 - Feeling Good After 8.5 Hours Awake

I am finally feeling more of myself.  More alert, more awake, and more responsive --- that is after 9 wakeful hours of feeling "stable and rehabilitated."  By all means stable doesn't include drowsiness by the way and doesn't include daytime sleepiness, and doesn't include somnolence or a tired that is tolerable.  Because I felt none of the above today.  Just a miserable day for the most part and getting out had some benefit but trying to feel my way outside again and in public is another benefit.  I hate what has happened here at home but I have no choice but to feel the situation because of the dreaded drowsiness.  Looking for a changed attitude.  And getting out by myself finally was worth the pain and suffering.  I hope and wish for days that start like this in the morning but it is far and few.   It is hard to be positive when you know the negative symptoms always hold you back and that is FEELING DROWSY 24/7.  It is NOT cool at all and very toxic to my day.  Please help me out 40/40 latuda because you are my only hope.  I hope for a fair day even if I choose to lower the dosage.  Thanks.

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #13 - Latuda - Ball and Chains

I'm tired of being tired.  When I am up and moving I don't feel any better about my life because I know I am going to have to fight through this daytime fatigue.  I am fighting against a tiredness that isn't tolerable.  Like I said who knows, what if the 80 mg dosage really is not difference from the 40 mg dosage taken during the night and day.  I am fighting it and it sounds like I am dreading it.  Someone says that she is worried about me.  But that is no excuse.  I know I am tired and I know the latuda makes me feel like a ball and chains at a dosage of 80 mg.

======================================================

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

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Mental Health Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #12 - Taking 40 mg latuda (day & night) vs 80 mg latuda (night)

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

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Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

That's Mental:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQK0nfuSYXVZWL0hYi_e09dm

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #11 - Visualize, Plan, Persist, Oh My!

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

======================================================

Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

That's Mental:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQK0nfuSYXVZWL0hYi_e09dm

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #10 - No Drugs! - Need Prior Authorization 

So, I am a little fed up with the system, especially the system of providers regarding insurance.  I know it includes rules and regulations but the time frame is ridiculous.  I have been dealing with blue cross blue shield with a $1000 dollar bill that is suppose to have coverage.  I am dealing with a new dosage of medications that I have to wait on because insurance doesn't want to cover it because of no prior authorization.  Why are insurance systems so fucking slow... I get immediate approval to pick up a drug but then dropped because there is no drug in the system that is generic.  How stupid.  It isn't like I'm not watching my bills or my income and stalling.  I want mental stability including reduction of side effects such as this daytime drowsiness that becomes unbearable at times.  Well there isn't much I can do but whine, and it is counterproductive right now.  Link Keira Maslami, I know we are both bipolar , but your choice of not being on meds and my choice to try, is like fighting against a brick wall.  One where you can't even get up.  The other is like grinding your teeth off.

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

======================================================

Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #9 - Too Tired - Can't Do Anything

So, I had a psychiatry appointment on the 3rd of September, 2014.  Pdoc prescribed a different dosage of the same medication latuda.  At first she was like wanting to prescribe 40 mg twice daily over my initial 80 mg dosage of latuda.  Then she suggested 60 mg dosage, and ended up going back to the 40 mg twice daily dosage.  I sure hope it helps this daytime drowziness.  I really am that tired.  It is a tiredness I can't tolerate that is for sure.  But I am hoping for the best after the insurance straightens out.

Wiki Lurasidone

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lurasidone

Web MD Excessive Sleepiness

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness-10/daytime-sleepiness-tips

Medicine Net Antipsychotics

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=26299

======================================================

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

======================================================

Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

That's Mental:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQK0nfuSYXVZWL0hYi_e09dm

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

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Vlog #8 - Psychiatry Anxiety

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

======================================================

Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

That's Mental:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQK0nfuSYXVZWL0hYi_e09dm

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http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

======================================================

#mentalhealth #bipolar #suicide #depression #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #borderline #psychology #psychiatry #therapy #mania #lithium #schizophrenia #personalitydisorder #vlog #anorexia #addiction #adoption #adoptee #koreanadoptee #kad #education #inspirational #nami #hospitalized #drugs #psychosis #mentaldisorder #disabled #fitness #workout #bodybuilding

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Vlog #7 - Latuda & Daytime Drowziness

Those with mental illness, how do you overcome challenges that prevent you from achieving what you want to achieve?  This could be simply getting up taking medications to holding a fulltime job in the future.

======================================================

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

======================================================

My name is Travis Balitz.  I have been living with Bipolar Disorder since 2008.  I have had many other diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar type 2 . I am currently diagnosed with bipolar type 1.  There have been many ups and downs in my life.  Here on this channel I am advocate for Mental Health.  I share my experiences, good and bad and in between.  I also give advice and share my general experience with hospitalizations, partial hospitalizations, group homes (IRTS), dialectical behavioral therapy, personal therapy, psychiatric experiences and my knowledge on all of the medications I have been on.  I hope you can learn something from my channel.  Also do not be afraid to reach out if you are in a dire situation.  Please contact the suicide hotline if you are at a risk for your mental health.  Number is here: 800-273-8255.  Text BRAVE to 741741.  Thank you.

======================================================

Mental Illness Music I Composed, Wrote And Sung:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJvrN0f_pjYaNqr18Ttr7Dk

Beyond Bipolar Fitness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7xQ50UMUs4&list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKbY-f5beoLXWq7dgG9INi_

Motivational Speeches:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQKRb6AJFaoz1AY2SP5kn5_G

Reaction Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIAdkmpdmf3tScWYDvSO8AL

Mental Health Video Documentaries:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQIGmtoA1fqZCx_NgLrUSkyr

Mental Health Awareness:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQJpVy75r4xePYKiBQGpFG53

Classic Mental Health VLogs:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQLpJWAkECinI2pzlfpQi1S0

That's Mental:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYXcd0dr7iQK0nfuSYXVZWL0hYi_e09dm

======================================================

http://www.facebook.com/beyondbipolarblog

http://www.twitter.com/beyondbipolari

======================================================

#mentalhealth #bipolar #suicide #depression #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #borderline #psychology #psychiatry #therapy #mania #lithium #schizophrenia #personalitydisorder #vlog #anorexia #addiction #adoption #adoptee #koreanadoptee #kad #education #inspirational #nami #hospitalized #drugs #psychosis #mentaldisorder #disabled #fitness #workout #bodybuilding

When I wake up in the morning my sensory responses and my bodily functions seem to respond with too much hypersensitivity.  It explains why I sleep at such long hours and wake at such late hours because the moment I try to wake up at an earlier account, I am back to resting on the pillow.  I can barely breathe at times.  For the most part my ears pick up on the sound of metal cans clacking but the ferocity of the noise sounds as though it is at a dangerously high decibel.  I am queasy at times as well too, especially when I wake up, just a little too groggy for my liking.  I want to get up and do something but that seems to grotesque for me.  Eating is one such example, even laughing is another that I seem to have lost.  Too much of it only hurts the damaged brain that my decapitated personality can take.  I lost a lot of who I was, the joy, the pleasures in life that I use to respond to so well, but I can’t help it.  You see, I also am pushing hard for stability.  I currently take 80 mg of Latuda, 1200 mg of Lithium, 25 mg of Metaprolol and 1 mg of Clonazapam.  I don’t know what is occurring.  I feel so much better with the reduction of lithium as I missed a dose on accident one time; to only find out without that extra dosage I was left feeling like a gummy pile of garbage.  It is quaint, really is, well at least I use to believe I had something quaint in me, now it feels like rubbish.  But supposedly it is doing me some good.  I am getting volunteer hours in between 15 and 20 hours within the last 2 weeks, plus payment for $15 / hour helping to renovate my Grandparents home.  I am sad to see that my long 10 to 12 hours of sleep is going to affect me from obtaining any jobs that would grant me the greatest access to the jobs with the most potential.  Most jobs ask you to start work from 5 AM to 8 AM.  And after tracking my time I barely get myself awake at 9:00 AM on most days, often my average sleep time is 9:45 PM and average awake time is 10:00 AM, give and take.  Oh, yes, about eating, I have lost 24.6 pounds because my body can no longer salvage a taste for great home cooked meals.  I don’t know what gives, I am just not hungry or I just feel too guilty to eat.  So thus I don’t eat.  I use to weigh 148.0 pounds, but now I weigh 123.4 pounds.  I feel volunteering has gave me some purpose but even up to this day with a dual diagnosis of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, things have got increasingly more difficult to deal with.  People would consider this schizoaffective disorder, but my current psychiatrist hasn’t placed that label on me yet.  Her worry was strictly the psychosis that I was experiencing.  I don’t think I am that happy with it but, without further ado it is the direction my body is pacing at.  I can’t be that person to get out, have many friends, meanwhile having a lack luster stable life with a stable job, while at the same time the times I can’t also be that person where I am more manic, and more promiscuous, and when I don’t give a shit about stability, just a good time and good fun.  But I know if I don’t take my life more seriously it is going to bite me just as bad as bit me when dad had a pulmonary embolism and almost died.  I hope it pays off in the end, with whatever choices I may do because my father isn’t going to be here forever to pave my way like he always did or to watch over us like he always did, pay bills, go and get food, get oil on the vehicles changed, look over the mail and so forth.  In essence of this all, I am struggling just to do the basics.  I mean my basics was using a kitty litter box for a while and a funnel urine bottle.