It's Jacqueline Taylor Schimmel-Haas' birthday, and she's been preparing for months her 2025 list of things she hates - some are broad, some are niche, but all of them are felt deeply in her soul.

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Jackie gets her sphincter lasered, creates a fake Instagram for her husband, and has the harsh realization that she may never see Cheryl again.

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Jackie deals with a biohazard event with her drunken sorority sister Clyde, chastises the internet for its mediocrity and lack of intelligence, and does a very special Ask Me Anything.

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Jackie suspects she has been bugged by Scientology after her live show in Clearwater, discusses the real problem with Madi Prewett’s husband, and the traumatic experience of visiting a public splash pad on a weekend.

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How much does Jackie hate the beach? Let her count the ways…

Jackie suggests JoJo Siwa is in desperate need of a transformational, spiritual journey to make up for the developmental damage she has accumulated as a former child star, asks Andrew what he loves most about her, and rails against frosted glass doors and the character flaws they harbor.

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Jackie recaps the first leg of her Dim the Lights tour, discovers that she is brave and vulnerable, and introduces Clyde to the bright lights of show business.

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Jackie deals with her Grammy nomination snub, why some funerals feel like low budge Coachella and delights with some new poetry she penned after a few cocktails of despair.

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Jackie is joined by Olympic figure skater Adam Rippon to discuss Chat GPT's lies, waxing mishaps, and Adam's obsession with collecting stone fruit, crystals, and life-size porcelain animals.

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Jackie takes up pickling, shoots up at a child’s birthday party in the park, and goes over her tour packing-list that will almost certainly get Josh searched by the TSA.

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Jackie mourns the death of quiet luxury, heralded by Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez’s childhood-trampoline-park-Chuck-E-Cheese style wedding invitations, grey CVS aisle carpet, and nonsensical guest list. Also, Sydney Sweeney’s collaboration with Basking Robbins - Gummy Bears!

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