This episode explores the deep-rooted stories and identities that influence our behavior, relationships, and self-perception. Carly and Rob discuss how loyalty to old stories can hinder growth and how to consciously shift these narratives for a more authentic life.

Key topics:

* Loyalty to old stories and identities

* Shadow work and shadow questions

* Family, religious, and cultural conditioning

* How stories influence behavior and relationships

* Steps to shift from old scripts to authentic self

Join us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold | @greatsexforgoodguys | @wildravenbreathwork

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This episode explores shadow work in relationships, focusing on how understanding and working through shadows like shame, jealousy, anger, and control can deepen intimacy and promote healthier connections. We share personal stories, practical tools, and insights on emotional regulation, vulnerability, and authentic communication. Because what fun is a relationship if we’re operating in fear or shame all the time?

Referenced in the episode are 6 Principles of Healthy Sexuality, and shared here:

* Consent: Sexual interactions should be rooted in mutual agreement and respect.

* Safety: Protecting against STIs and unwanted pregnancies.

* Non-exploitation: Engaging in sexual activities without the threat of consequences.

* Honesty: Open communication about sexual health, desires, and experiences.

* Shared values: Respecting and valuing the sexual health of all partners.

* Pleasure: Ensuring sexual experiences are satisfying and enjoyable for all parties.These principles serve as a lifelong guide to improving and maintaining sexual health, emphasizing the importance of consent, safety, and respect in all sexual interactions.

Learn more about these principles here: https://sexualhealthalliance.com/nymphomedia-blog/the-six-sexual-health-principles

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@blackandwhiteandgold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguys

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Have you met my friend Sara? She’s a gem, and has a lot of wisdom and experience to share. Find her at Sara Johnson and on Instagram.

This bonus episode was just what I needed, even though it had me sobbing for a good portion of it—both whilst recording and whilst editing.

Love you all. Thanks for being here.

Find us on Instagram:

@blackandwhiteandgold @greatsexforgoodguys @wildravenbreathwork

There are parts of our identity that we like, and some that we don’t like, and some of both are habits we’ve created that are sneakily keeping us from growth.

Let’s talk about it.

The shadow work journal Rob uses: click here

Shadow Questions asked at the end of the episode:

What are some of the unconscious contracts that you’ve been living by? And who wrote them? What were the terms? Did you ever actually agree to them, or did you just assume them?

Find some unconscious contracts in your life, whether it has to do with your life, your body, your relationships, success at work, et cetera. What have you been hoping that those would fix about you? What would that mean if it never did?

If you could make one conscious choice today, something that you choose from alignment rather than habit, what would it be?

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@blackandwhiteandgold

@wildravenbreathwork

@greatsexforgoodguys

Join us as we talk through how to help you work on your relationship as a separate entity. Because partnership looks a lot like two people choosing to do life together, but then our inner child runs the show when the stakes are high. How to we move through that? Let’s figure it out together.

Questions we ask toward the end of the episode. We recommend at a minimum journaling on these questions and talking with your partner about them. Consider doing this with takeout, on a date in a place you love.

What does stress look like in my body? What does stress look like in my behavior?

What do I tend to need when I’m stressed? Is it space, closeness, words, touch?

What’s my go-to move in conflict? Do I pursue? Do I withdraw? Do I Freeze? What does it feel like when I don’t feel safe with my partner?

What does it feel like when I do feel safe with my partner?

What’s one thing your partner could do or say that would help you feel safer when activated?

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The Gottman Institute

Episode with Steven Thatcher

Everything Isn’t Terrible book by Kathleen Smith

Instagram handles: @blackandwhiteandgold, @wildravenbreathwork, @greatsexforgoodguys

Learn more about EMERGE group-coaching + retreat with Carly

We all have a wounded inner-child somewhere, and we find them by noticing our triggers—the things that make us so fired up—specifically when our emotional response feels a little bit over-the-top.

Today, we chat about what that means for us—and how we can use it to grow the eff up instead of just stewing and re-creating toxic habits.

Because you’re better that that.

Inner-Child Hypnotherapy/Meditation - Use code “BWG” for 75% off

wildRAVEN Somatic Breathwork - Use code “BWG” for 75% off

Find us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold, @wildravenbreathwork, @greatsexforgoodguys

Learn more about EMERGE group-coaching + retreat with Carly

When your connection to your partner feels threatened, what does it feel like in your body?

What kind of messages do you tell yourself when that connection feels threatened?

Is that story actually true?

What are you willing to do in order to work through any of those struggles to maintain a healthy connection with your partner?

When we (Carly and Rob) started to recognize the way that our patterns were messaging to each other, versus what we were actually trying to communicate to each other, were very different conversations than we had intended, we can start to collaborate and actually communicate.

This has changed the dynamic of our relationship in only positive ways, and only became possible because we’re starting to understand ourselves better.

Attachment Style Quiz

Find us on Instagram: Black and White and Gold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguys

Learn more about the EMERGE group-coaching container + retreat: https://wildraven.carlyallred.com/emerge

Setting the stage a bit to help us understand some basic needs we have and how our minds can process info and experiences. When we understand what is happening with a more expanded view, we can see things that help ground us and get us through complex issues.

In this conversation, we overlay Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs with Carl Jung’s Ego/Shadow/Self to untangle some of the ways we just respond based on an unmet need, because that’s what humans normally do.

When we have a different vantage point and can see more of the big picture, we can learn to work with and through stimulating experiences, rather than reacting to them unconsciously.

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Valerie Hamaker (referenced within)

Season 4 is here to build something better. Personal relationship with yourself first, THEN intimate relationship with others. Let’s do this together!

Instagram:

Black and White and Gold

@wildravenbreathwork

@greatsexforgoodguys

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A bit of a wrap-up to tie the loose ends as much as we can in this insanely robust topic.

Stick around for Season 4 after the new year, and have the best holiday season you’re able! We’ll be around on the interwebs here on Substack, as well as on Instagram.