Black and White and Gold

What good is all this listening and learning if we don’t learn to apply it? Let us show you one of the ways we do that. Integration through processing and tying the loose ends together. You’ll see us circle back to topics and bring a new perspective or caveat as we do.

This is our season 4 finale! We’ll be back for season 5 sometime late summer/early fall…as soon as we can get our plan settled. Thanks for allowing space for us to be multidimensional beings.

Resources we mention in this episode:

Jason Lang and Melanie Curtin

Evolutionary Men

Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

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Revisiting part 3 of our relationship series from season 1. It ends with us saying a bunch of big words, but words that changed the game for us. If things like “differentiation,” “enmeshment,” and “co-create” are new-ish to you, hopefully there’s something good in this listen for you to take to your own relationships.

Join the chat, and let’s talk about what we’re learning together!

Some links to a few of the articles, etc. we discuss in the episode:

https://www.crucible4points.com/crucible-four-points-balance/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enmeshment

https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-you-need-a-strong-sense-of-self-and-how-to-boost-it

https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self

Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

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We are throwing it back to a 3-part series we originally recorded at the beginning of season 1, revisiting the conversation, woven into this season about individual and relationship growth. This is part 2 of the 3 episodes.

There’s a lot of discussion about relationships and vulnerability, but it seems that men have a bit of a bad rap in this particular arena. But what does culture AND the women in their lives have to do with it? Let’s chat about whether or not we want men to even BE vulnerable, and if so, how do we encourage it?

SHOW NOTES:

Brene Brown’s TEDx talk about shame:

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/emasculation

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/violence-against-women_b_1959746

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/18slkug/thoughts_on_the_word_emasculate/

https://onbeing.org/blog/jonathan-p-higgins-what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/13/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man-reader-responses#:~:text=I%20can%20cook%2C%20clean%2C%20buy,more%20open%20and%20fulfilling%20fashion

https://www.themix.org.uk/your-body/mens-health/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man-in-2018-29605.html#:~:text=It%20means%20not%20being%20afraid,and%20uplifting%20those%20around%20you.%E2%80%9D

https://www.utdailybeacon.com/opinion/columns/making-of-man-what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/article_1a9f5836-2068-11ec-abd1-f3615d73f13d.html

https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/byusq/vol45/iss3/1/#:~:text=Most%20Mormons%20have%20heard%20of,from%20the%20effects%20of%20exposure

https://brycox.com/lds/BryCox-SweetwaterRescue.pdf

https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3783&context=byusq

Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

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We are throwing it back to a 3-part series we originally recorded at the beginning of season 1, revisiting the conversation, woven into this season about individual and relationship growth.

In this episode, we explore the unwritten social norms that govern men's interactions with other humans, alongside a deep dive into vulnerability, friendship, and emotional intimacy among men. We unpack how societal expectations shape behavior and how breaking these norms can transform relationships.

This episode underscores how societal norms influence men's behavior in both public and private contexts and encourages embracing vulnerability to foster authentic relationships. We challenge the stereotype that strength means emotional stoicism and advocate for a culture of openness, support, and vulnerability to strengthen our communities.

In this episode, Carly introduces her innovative ‘Irreversible Spiral’ framework, a powerful tool for understanding personal and relational growth through paradigm shifts and choices. She discusses how recognizing these shifts can lead to greater agency and healthier relationships.

For more info on working with The Irreversible Spiral, reach out to Carly on her website carlyallred.com, or through Instagram at @wildravenbreathwork.

Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

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Understanding the balance between our inner and outer worlds is crucial. We often think of sacred marriage as just a union between two people, but the capacity to relate well with others starts deeply inside the individual.

As we work toward this inner balance, we can bring that whole self into our relationships. Imagine being able to hold space for someone else’s differences while still remaining true to yourself. Not only is it possible, it’s necessary for deep intimacy.

The real magic is in the dance of differentiation, where we can connect deeply without losing who we are.

What are your thoughts on this balance? We’d love to hear!

Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

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Taking a break from the series we started because a conversation was alive in us the day we recorded. We discuss relationship dynamics, specifically within a religious framing, when pornography is part of the story.

This episode explores the complex relationship between purity culture, sexuality, pornography, and religious frameworks. Carly and Rob discuss historical perspectives, cultural influences, and the impact of religious teachings on perceptions of sexuality and addiction. It’s a wild ride…you ready?

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Instagram handles: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

This episode explores the concept of sacred marriage as introduced by Carl Jung, focusing on internal integration and individuation. It discusses the union of masculine and feminine energies within oneself, the symbolism across cultures, and practical insights for personal wholeness.

Because sometimes us Western peeps need eastern philosophy reframed before we can hear it or understand it. This is not new—this is ancient understanding taught from a psychological framing that is essential to further emotional growth.

Follow us on the socials:

@blackandwhiteandgold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguys

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As humans, we both want to be in deep connection AND own ourselves. The balance can be precarious. This episode helps walk us through some ways to get there individually and then as a couple.

As discussed in the episode, this practice below can be super beneficial when you hit a rough patch to repair the intentional and unintentional damage caused through miscommunication.

Rupture-and-Repair Ritual A Guided Couple Practice:

Use this after the storm has passed — not in the middle of it. Sit facing each other, feet on the floor, phones away. Take three slow breaths together before you begin.

* The Cooldown Check-In — Each person answers:

"On a scale of 1–10, how regulated do I feel? What does my body need before I can really be here?"

If either person is below a 5, pause. Take what you need — water, a walk, five minutes alone, then come back.

* Uninterrupted Witness — (5–7 min each) One person speaks, the other listens — no sighs, no nods that are really disagreements. When the speaker finishes, the listener reflects back what they heard — not a rebuttal, just: “What I heard is….”

Then switch.

Consider the following phrases:

"During the argument, my body felt ___”

“I noticed [tight chest / shutdown / heat in my face / the urge to leave].”

“The story I told myself was ___.”

“What I actually needed was ___.”

“What I'm still carrying is ___."

* Accountability Without Collapse — Real accountability is neither over-apology nor deflection; it's clarity. Don't perform remorse you don't feel, and don't minimize to protect yourself. After both people speak, sit in silence for a moment. Let it land.

"My part in this was ___.”

”I can see how [the tone I used / the way I shut down / what I said] felt/sounded like ___ for you.”

“That wasn't what I wanted to create between us."

* The Reach — One person extends their hand — palm up and open as an offering. Not as a grab, simply extending. The other places their hand in it, or says: "I'm not quite there — give me a moment." The first hand stays open and waiting, allowing the patience to help feed the repair. Close with something that feels good to the two of you, such as a phrase, gesture, familiar touch, something.

End with each partner completing the sentence "What I want you to know right now is ___."

More information on working with Carly: wildraven.carlyallred.com

Find us on Instagram:

@blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

In this episode, we explore the vital concepts of differentiation and boundaries in relationships, even getting into the nitty-gritty of what healthy boundaries do and don’t look like. We discuss how maintaining a healthy sense of self, effective boundary setting, and understanding different relationship dynamics can foster healthier, more collaborative connections across all types of relationships. Because you know you want better connections.

Links to resources mentioned: wildraven.carlyallred.com

Find us on Instagram at @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.