Black Lincoln Collective Podcast

In “Lawyer Letters” | Episode 257 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Parker gets the opportunity of a lifetime: six hours in a virtual mock trial where he gets paid to judge strangers, argue about negligence, assign blame, debate damages, eat chicken wings, and slowly convince himself that he is Perry Mason.

After surviving legalese, questionable jurors, an $873,000 damages suggestion, and the invention of Parker’s imaginary lawyer credentials, the crew heads into Fredline News. This week brings an orange shark, a serial butt sniffer, Michael Douglas trivia, a Titanic mayonnaise story, rumors of disappearing genitals, an endurance athlete’s unfortunate mid-race bathroom emergency, and a Florida case involving allegations that become increasingly difficult to describe.

It’s law, news, bodily functions, bad decisions, and three men who should probably never be selected for the same jury.

00:06:50 — Everybody Loves to Sue
A discussion of addictive behavior somehow lands on lawsuits, giving Parker the opening he needs to reveal his mock-jury adventure.

00:07:53 — “Yes the Fuck I Would”
Parker is invited to participate in a virtual trial and has absolutely no hesitation.

00:10:00 — The Lawyer’s Closing Strategy
The plaintiff’s lawyer essentially returns to say everything the defense just told them is wrong. Parker immediately respects the move.

00:11:07 — Setting the Price Early
The lawyer frames damages in the neighborhood of $750,000 to $2 million. Parker’s initial response is closer to “$25 tops.”

00:14:33 — Lunch Break Legal Strategy
Parker uses the comforts of remote jury service to prepare chicken wings and return to several hours of legal terminology.

00:16:29 — Parker Discovers Power
The moderator tells participants they can help explain concepts to confused jurors. This is the exact permission Parker should never have received.

00:17:09 — Statistical Idiots
Parker realizes that a random group of twelve people statistically guarantees somebody will have no idea what is happening.

00:17:35 — “I Am the Law”
Parker decides the actual written law may be less important than whatever he personally thinks should happen.

00:20:40 — Steve Arrives
Parker finally finds the angry juror he was hoping for and immediately develops a courtroom friendship.

00:22:33 — Negligence Explained
Parker explains negligence using surgery. Fred thinks McDonald’s fries would have been a better example.

00:27:57 — $873,000
Everyone else is debating five-figure damages when one juror suddenly lands on $873,000 because the lawyer suggested something similar.

00:28:38 — Parker Wins
The group eventually moves toward roughly $25,000, Parker’s original number, giving him all the validation he needs.

00:31:05 — Lawyer Letters
Parker imagines his future legal title and produces the phrase that names the episode: “whatever fucking lawyer letters are.”

00:32:15 — Best Zoom Meeting Ever
Parker uses his closing remarks to tell Steve he loves him and declares the mock trial the most fun he has ever had in a Zoom meeting.

00:35:45 — Fredline News Returns
The show abruptly transforms from fake legal analysis into real-ish news analysis.

00:37:51 — Orange Shark
A rare orange nurse shark becomes “the world’s sexiest shark.”

00:39:43 — Serial Butt Sniffer
The phrase alone does most of the work.

00:49:06 — Titanic Mayonnaise
Fred begins telling Parker an extraordinarily suspicious story involving the Titanic and 1,200 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

00:50:40 — Cinco de Mayo
Parker realizes way too late that he has been professionally walked into a terrible pun.

00:51:43 — Missing Genitals
Fredline News introduces reports of men claiming their genitals have mysteriously disappeared or shrunk.

00:56:57 — Elite Athletic Competition
The crew discusses an endurance athlete who pushes through a catastrophic bathroom emergency rather than stopping the race.

01:06:35 — BLC Confidentiality Agreement
Anyone still listening is informed that they are now legally prohibited from admitting the podcast exists.

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• 00:01:00 — Weak Fart Start: The show opens with the 256th edition and immediately critiques the quality of a fart sound.
• 00:01:20 — “Can’t Do Attitude”: The official motto of the episode becomes a perfect summary of the entire show.
• 00:02:13 — Fred Fred Fred: Fred gets introduced as Fred, a friend of the show, and possibly the most Fred person available.
• 00:02:44 — Latino History Month: Allan’s “big, important audience” arrives for Latino History Month, and the crew hands him an impossible cultural assignment.
• 00:03:37 — Greatest Latino Artist: Ricky Martin, Menudo, and J.Lo enter the conversation before anyone is fully prepared.
• 00:05:09 — Menudo Takes a Dark Turn: The crew starts with boy-band nostalgia and immediately lands somewhere much heavier.
• 00:06:08 — J.Lo vs. Cardi B: A simple “greatest Latino artist” bit somehow becomes a booty-based ranking system.
• 00:07:06 — Cardi B Research: Fred appears to know a suspicious amount about Cardi B’s background.
• 00:09:13 — Better Than Expected: Parker admits Allan’s Latino History Month segment was significantly better than he expected, which is both praise and a roast.
• 00:11:45 — Minefield of Discovery: Parker describes trying to transition out of the segment as “navigating a minefield of discovery.”
• 00:12:36 — Internet Side Hustles: Fred says he reached out to the internet for side hustle ideas, which is never a safe sentence.
• 00:17:22 — Yard Rules: If something is closer to the road than the house, apparently it is free. This includes bicycles, baby strollers, and possibly people.
• 00:18:03 — Fake Possession: Mega churches allegedly paying people to fake possession becomes one of the better terrible career paths.
• 00:18:46 — Demon Freelancing: The crew imagines faking possession so well that the devil takes it as an invitation.
• 00:19:15 — Paid to Do Nothing: The dream side hustle is getting paid monthly to do nothing, which is immediately compared to Congress.
• 00:20:22 — BLC Car Wrap: The crew offers to wrap someone’s truck for $3,000, then admits they may just sharpie the logo on the side.
• 00:21:01 — Doo Doo DLC: “BLC” becomes “DLC,” then becomes “Doo Doo DLC,” and the episode title is born.
• 00:21:38 — Professional Wedding Crier: Parker turns crying at weddings into a full theatrical backstory involving betrayal, college roommates, and Terry.
• 00:22:37 — “Don’t Marry His Sister, Terry”: The paid crying bit reaches soap opera levels almost immediately.
• 00:23:29 — Substitute Bee: The crew discovers people may pay you to pollinate plants and turns it into the weirdest agricultural job description possible.
• 00:24:08 — Parmesan Bee Technology: The substitute bee job now requires a Parmesan cheese shaker taped where a stinger would be.
• 00:24:23 — Twerk Through the Garden: The only way to pollinate properly is to twerk through the field for $45 an hour.
• 00:25:03 — Japanese Food Explainer: “This is rice. What you do is you eat it.” Honestly, flawless customer service.
• 00:25:35 — American Food Explainer: Parker wants to explain American food to foreigners by pointing at excessive cheese and suspicious meat patties.
• 00:27:01 — Dog Poop Economy: The crew reminds listeners that people make good money vacuuming up dog poop, so maybe DoorDash is not the only path.
• 00:28:14 — Fake NFL Romance Scam: A scammer allegedly built such a strong fake football persona that Google and AI started believing it.
• 00:29:23 — Burger King, Best Restaurant in NYC: The crew explains how to trick AI by repeating bad information until the machine gives up and believes it.
• 00:34:51 — Scam-Spiracy: Parker invents a new category: scams plus conspiracies, or “scam-spiracies.”
• 00:35:48 — Culver’s Drive-Through Theory: Culver’s allegedly tricks you into thinking the line is short, then traps you in the waiting zone after you pay.
• 00:38:12 — Ice Cream Math: Waiting 12 minutes for three cones becomes “four minutes per ice cream cone,” which is unacceptable in South Carolina heat.
• 00:38:54 — Apparatus Plural: The crew debates the plural of apparatus because melted custard requires academic rigor.
• 00:40:39 — Big Toilet Paper: Parker accuses RFK Jr. and Big Toilet Paper of working together to increase bathroom demand.
• 00:42:49 — COVID Didn’t Give You Diarrhea: Fred points out that people bought toilet paper during COVID even though that was not the problem.
• 00:43:31 — Newspaper Bathroom Story: Fred remembers toilet paper disappearing immediately when it was introduced into a newspaper-only bathroom setup.
• 00:44:01 — “You Can’t Wipe Your Ass With a Dream”: Possibly the most profound line in the entire episode.
• 00:45:06 — Streaming Is Cable Revenge: Parker argues streaming apps are so annoying they are trying to make cable look good again.
• 00:46:46 — App-Hopping Football: Watching multiple games requires backing out, finding another app, loading, clicking, and watching commercials before anything happens.
• 00:49:19 — “I’m Not a TVologist”: Fred explains he does not know how the loaded TV box works because he is not a TVologist.
• 00:49:26 — “I Just Eat the Sausage”: Fred does not make the entertainment sausage. He just eats it.
• 00:49:51 — Vegas Confirmed: BLC officially confirms the February 2027 Vegas trip.
• 00:51:41 — American Airlines Chaos: A flight story involving a naked passenger becomes the least relaxing travel preview imaginable.
• 00:52:49 — Pollinate the Plane: The side hustle bee bit returns in the worst possible location: an aircraft cabin.
• 00:54:25 — Too Many Details, Not Enough Answers: The article gives gate details, aircraft type, and timing, but not the satisfying explanation everyone wants.
• 00:55:32 — Weekly Naked Plane Incidents: Parker discovers this apparently happens often enough to feel like a recurring airline feature.
• 00:56:50 — “Shalos”: The crew misnames “Shallow” as “Shalos” and then proceeds to dismantle the song anyway.
• 00:57:33 — Starts Strong, Ends Bad: Parker argues “Shallow” begins emotionally powerful and ends as one long “sha-la-la” loop.

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• 00:01:00 — Episode 255, Now With No Action: The show proudly announces the 255th episode and immediately promises “no action,” which is both a joke and a warning.
• 00:01:31 — Fred’s Gun Show: Fred’s sleeves apparently ripped right off his body because his 50-year-old arms are simply too powerful.
• 00:02:18 — Contractually Not Celebrating Fred Again: Parker explains that they celebrated Fred last week and are not contractually obligated to do it again, then spends half the episode doing exactly that.
• 00:03:34 — Surprise Party at Fred’s Own House: Fred’s wife tries to hide a surprise party while hosting it at the place where Fred lives, which is a bold logistical choice.
• 00:04:36 — The Big Tents: Fred gets forced to set up two huge tents for a party that supposedly no one is attending. The man was building his own surprise.
• 00:05:21 — Ocean’s Eleven But Domestic: Fred realizes his buddy is trying to get him out of the house and describes the operation like a heist movie with more beer.
• 00:06:45 — Classy Gentleman Drink: Fred, now 50 and classy, chooses Long Island iced teas as his grown-man drink of choice.
• 00:07:09 — Fred Ascends to Heaven: Fred’s camera light makes him look like he is being raptured mid-podcast, only for heaven to send back the wrong Fred.
• 00:08:17 — Melbourne Iced Tea: Outback becomes the natural home of the “Melbourne Iced Tea,” whether or not Australia asked for that.
• 00:09:17 — Shoe Koozie: Fred once used a shoe as a koozie for a giant Foster’s can and made it his Facebook profile picture. That is internet archaeology.
• 00:09:43 — Fred Loves Big Cans: The crew learns two things about Fred: he loves big cans, and he loves big cans.
• 00:10:16 — The White Shorts Incident: Fred admits he did not entirely make it to the bathroom while wearing white shorts, which is basically a comedy war crime against yourself.
• 00:12:17 — Dribbling to the Next Bar: Instead of going home, Fred continues the birthday adventure because “you only live once” and apparently white shorts are already compromised.
• 00:13:32 — Richard Butts: Two strangers start talking about a guy named Richard Butts, and Fred loses his mind trying not to hear “Dick and Butts” over and over.
• 00:14:50 — Not Surrounded by Dick and Butts: The crew imagines Fred dying at the restaurant and refusing to go out surrounded by Dick and Butts.
• 00:15:11 — Give Me Your Keys: Fred’s buddy finally does the responsible thing and takes his keys, which somehow feels like the most adult moment in the entire show.
• 00:18:15 — Just Got Out of County: Fred arrives at the surprise party dressed entirely in white and immediately gets compared to someone who just left county jail.
• 00:19:23 — White Party: Fred explains he was wearing white because he knew Labor Day was coming and wanted to get all the white out of his system.
• 00:19:49 — Kids Playing Blackjack: Fred teaches the kids blackjack at his birthday party, which turns the celebration into a tiny casino with Capri Suns.
• 00:22:51 — Fred’s Blackjack Table: The blackjack table becomes the only thing kids care about, leaving the other party games abandoned like ghost towns.
• 00:24:03 — Wife Wins the Gift Contest: Fred’s wife tops everybody by gifting him tickets to see Jeff Arcuri in Las Vegas.
• 00:26:16 — BLC Vegas Meeting: The show announces a Vegas trip for early February 2027 and immediately tells everyone not to tell Fred’s wife.
• 00:27:35 — Vegas Destroys the Nation: The crew decides every time BLC goes to Vegas, one more pillar of the country collapses.
• 00:30:51 — The Promised Video Game Segment: The crew claims they have promised since episode two that episode 255 would include a video game segment. Sure. Why not.
• 00:31:45 — First Consoles: The guys compare childhood systems, including Sega Master System, NES, ColecoVision, and Atari 2600.
• 00:33:01 — White House Arcade: Parker describes a political arcade game set with knockoffs inspired by Tetris, Snake, Flappy Bird, and other games. The crew’s reaction is basically disbelief and dread.
• 00:35:48 — Tetris Responds: The Tetris Company distancing itself from the “Build the Wall” knockoff becomes one of the more normal parts of a very abnormal segment.
• 00:39:17 — Wolverine Is Canadian: The Wolverine game discussion turns into the obvious conclusion: Wolverine is the meanest Canadian ever.
• 00:41:03 — GTA Roleplay: Allan explains GTA roleplay with servers, cops, criminals, jail, trials, lawyers, proximity chat, and character rules, and Parker realizes this game may have a more functional justice system than reality.
• 00:45:21 — Corrupt Cop Allan: Allan casually reveals he plays a corrupt cop, which somehow surprises no one.
• 00:47:07 — Fred Has Never Played GTA: Fred admits he has never played Grand Theft Auto, and the room reacts like he has confessed to never seeing a car.
• 00:49:52 — Leaks: GTA VI leaks turn into a perfect setup to roast Fred’s earlier bathroom leak.
• 00:50:15 — Dongs Karate: The episode swerves into a fake ad for Dongs.com and “Dongs Karate,” because apparently every weak spot in a karate fight needs branding.
• 00:52:13 — Man vs. Chimp: The crew discusses MMA fighter Cole Johnson saying he could beat a chimpanzee, and immediately starts rooting for the chimp.
• 00:53:18 — Put It on the Sphere: The imagined chimp fight becomes a Vegas spectacle that absolutely must be shown on the Sphere.
• 00:55:40 — $500,000 to Fight a Chimp: The crew decides this is exactly what GoFundMe should be for: not tragedy, but funding a man’s terrible decision to fight a chimp.
• 00:57:35 — Next Up, Polar Bear: The alleged next fight is a polar bear, and the crew debates whether the human should get a sword, a knife, or nunchucks. The bear still wins.
• 01:07:54 — Caesar D. Monkey: The fake movie franchise ends with a chimp named Caesar D. Monkey, which rolls directly back into the earlier “Dick and Butts” joke.
• 01:09:04 — Hold On to Your Butts: The perfect closing line for an episode built on tents, white shorts, blackjack, GTA cops, and chimp combat.

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• Episode 254 opens with “Shiver If Day,” Hot Trip Salad, platform plugs, ChatGPT jokes, and Bruce Buffer confusion.
• The crew discusses the Tupac case, Keith D., “Baby Lane,” old interviews, book confessions, and 30 years of delayed justice.
• The Tupac segment turns into food-based courtroom comedy with Savory Justice and fake detective John Savory.
• Parker’s car gets burgled, and the stolen items are weirdly personal: Bluetooth adapter, headphones, charger, cash, and his Aldi quarter.
• Fred admits to old car-handle-pulling behavior from the cassette-tape era.
• The guys revisit the story of Draper’s car getting stolen at a Braves game and returned with Funyuns and more gas.
• Allan tells a mugging story that ends with him admitting he actually was looking at the guy’s girlfriend.
• Parker tells a strange nun, tiger, cliff, and strawberry parable that immediately gets stepped on by the show.
• The USS Abraham Lincoln docking in Thailand after 200 days at sea becomes the title moment: VD Day.
• Fred’s 50th birthday becomes a full roast, including AI-written jokes, Satan, AARP, and Bernie Mac.
• Sports returns with Fred’s son starting middle school football and facing a terrifyingly large 13-year-old lineman.
• The crew makes Super Bowl picks, including real teams and fake teams that sound like rejected fantasy football names.
• Parker calls the farmers market a scam after paying too much for asparagus labeled as a product of Peru.
• The episode ends with sourdough, agua fresca, grocery-store loyalty, and Fred’s Big 5-O.

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In Episode 252 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Parker opens the show by admitting he forgot to write the intro, which is honestly one of the cleaner ways a BLC episode can start. The crew celebrates the newly expanded website archive, clarifies that the site does not really look new except for one button that leads to a million other things, and then immediately shifts into the main business of the week: selling chocolate.

Parker’s daughter is selling World’s Finest Chocolate, which gives him the chance to pitch Fred and Allan like a desperate school-fundraiser middleman. The bars are smaller, more expensive, and allegedly still the world’s finest because the label says so. That turns into a full candy-hustle bit about kids buying their own supply, cold-calling family members, door-to-door sales, QR codes, and Parker realizing he is paying taxes, paying for the trip, and now paying again through chocolate. Then the crew spins the whole thing into the Ten Chocolate Commandments, a ridiculous street-sales parody about never getting high on your own supply, keeping family and business separated, watching for the chocolate police, and staying dangerous in the candy streets.

The sales talk leads to scam talk. The guys riff on kids pretending to collect donations for football teams or lawn-care businesses, the minimal investment required to look official, and the power of a clipboard, a t-shirt, and just enough confidence to make adults hand over five dollars.

Then it’s time for sports. Football is coming back, Fred’s son is starting middle school football, and the crew talks about playing on a tiny team, getting number 62 instead of Fred’s old number 55, and being thrown into a scrimmage against a private-school football program that beats them 56 to 6. That leads into a viral story about a 16-year-old girl tackling a middle school football player from the sideline, which sends the guys into jokes about family loyalty, The Waterboy, sideline justice, and why the wrong person may have been on the team.

The sports segment continues through WNBA chatter, awkward naming jokes, Usain Bolt, and a Chinese humanoid robot reportedly running faster than Bolt’s top speed. The guys compare Bolt racing the robot to John Henry battling the steam drill, then spend several minutes realizing, debating, and rediscovering that John Henry dies in the story. That somehow becomes a broader conversation about man vs. machine, old Fox TV specials, Survivor, and why fighting technology is futile. Naturally, they consider letting AI do the podcast next week.

Before the break ends, Parker brings up Ray Chapman, the Cleveland shortstop who died after being hit by a pitch in 1920, because apparently “sports” now includes tragic baseball trivia and collectible cards from the 1970s.

After the break, the crew plays Would You Rather, and the episode gets even more unhinged. The questions start with waking up naked in a forest five miles from home or in underwear at work, then move into food vs. adult activities, erasing memories, AC vs. internet, being respected vs. being elite at something nobody values, punching or talking out of situations, nervous glitter sneezes, warm maple syrup sweat, mood-ring skin, thought-whispering hair, bean-sized men, man-sized beans, toes for $500,000, dog-controlled internet, cats writing traffic laws, three years in prison vs. two weeks in the Jurassic period, and underwater cave diving.

By the end, the guys have debated survival, shame, sticky syrup, dinosaurs, toes, caves, cavemen, and whether Parker is a caveman or just a man cave. It is fundraising, football, weird sports, robot anxiety, and impossible choices in one very sticky episode.

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In “Vegan Chitlins” | Episode 248 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, the crew serves up a buffet of meat, bad math, questionable introductions, and the debut of Odicius Jones, a man with his own Odyssey and a very intense relationship with 4DX movie theaters. Parker, Fred, and Allan kick things off with redhead confusion, Greek jokes, Grease references, white-people clapping, and a movie review that quickly becomes less about The Odyssey and more about surviving modern cinema. Odicius breaks down a “mid” new Odyssey movie starring Matt Damon, Tom Holland, and Elliot Page, but the real story is the 4DX experience: moving seats, face mist, wind blasts, fake arrows, rough seas, and enough theater violence to make a five-out-of-ten movie feel like a full-body event. Then it's time for the guys to test their knowledge of all things!  It's fat guy news and we're talking about our old buddy diarrhea lettuce, and we finally meet the guy. We're also talking about the best French Fries in the biz. Listen now for absurd comedy, movie theater chaos, and BLC-level mythology: https://americasfavoritepodcast.com

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