Black Lincoln Collective Podcast

In “Crotch Orange” | Episode 261 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Fred returns from his Dave Chappelle adventure in Charlotte with casino losses, golf, expensive drinks, locked-up phones, multiple opening acts, a surprise Queen of Hearts singer, and one small problem: he can barely remember a single joke Chappelle told.

Then Parker, Fred, and Allan get ready for Halloween by planning questionable Renaissance Fair costumes, inventing the seasonal color Crotch Orange, debating whether Parker should become a slutty blacksmith, and working through a list of supposedly trending 2026 Halloween costumes that none of them recognize.

The crew also talks Heidi Klum’s legendary Halloween commitment, last year’s ER Halloween experience, a high school quarterback reportedly kicked off his team after changing a play at the line of scrimmage, and who should really control the Super Bowl halftime show.

Listen now at americasfavoritepodcast.com.

• Episode 261 opens with Parker discovering “Let’s park the show” 261 episodes too late.
• BLC continues campaigning for its third local podcast award.
• Fred recaps his Dave Chappelle trip to Charlotte.
• The trip begins with gambling at the Kings Mountain casino.
• Fred discovers $25 table minimums and no live poker room.
• Two kings lose to the dealer’s two aces.
• Fred and his friends play golf the next day.
• They pregame in Charlotte before heading to the Spectrum Center.
• Phones are locked in sealed pouches during Chappelle’s show.
• Fred drinks enough that he remembers laughing but cannot remember a single Chappelle joke.
• Fred hopes the show becomes a Netflix special so he can finally see what he watched.
• After the show, the group ends up at a cigar bar and discovers a Queen of Hearts-themed singer downstairs.
• Fred does not clearly remember getting back to the hotel.
• Hotel ice becomes the greatest beverage Fred has ever consumed.
• The second half turns into a Halloween episode.
• Parker plans a medieval blacksmith costume.
• The costume evolves into a slutty blacksmith.
• Parker’s shirt becomes the official shade Crotch Orange.
• The crew reviews a bizarre list of trending Halloween costumes.
• Most of the alleged popular costumes are unfamiliar to everyone.
• Heidi Klum gets credit for consistently dominating celebrity Halloween.
• Parker remembers spending the previous Halloween in the ER with his child.
• BLC Sports discusses a high school quarterback dismissed after changing a play.
• Twelve players reportedly get suspended after supporting him.
• The crew debates whether the coach overreacted.
• The episode closes with Super Bowl halftime-show talk.

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Episode 260 opens with Parker, Fred, and Allan celebrating another milestone and immediately campaigning for help. The Black Lincoln Collective is once again nominated for a local podcast award, and after winning the previous two years, the guys are officially chasing the three-peat.

That means sizing up the competition.

The crew runs through several fellow nominees, including a church podcast, an old nemesis, real estate shows, a Reverend David Tipton, and a podcast hosted by an investor-attorney-Brazilian-jiu-jitsu black belt and a bodybuilder/music artist. That last combination is enough to make Parker briefly reconsider the usual “talk shit about the competitors” strategy.

The general campaign message is simple: vote BLC, ignore everyone else, and maybe don’t antagonize the jiu-jitsu guy.

Fred then brings some genuinely good news: after previously missing out because tickets sold out too quickly, his upgraded internet connection finally pays off and he lands tickets to see Dave Chappelle in Charlotte. The guys talk ticket prices, making a full day of the trip, potentially golfing, staying overnight, possibly hitting a casino, and Fred’s history of seeing Chappelle before and after Chappelle’s Show became a phenomenon.

Parker follows that with his own personal update: he is officially back in the gym.

The real selling point isn’t fitness. It’s childcare.

Parker discovers a gym where his kids can hang out in a surprisingly elaborate children’s area with game consoles, a theater, a play structure, basketball, and staff supervision while he exercises. What begins as a fitness plan quickly sounds more like Parker has discovered affordable short-term childcare with complimentary weight machines.

He explains that he is trying to repair his knee, back, hip, and essentially every other part of his body that has started making noises. That means using machines he associates more with glute and hip work, including abductors and glute kickbacks.

Naturally, he decides the correct solution is to add increasingly dramatic grunts, poses, and “look back at it” energy to every rep.

The conversation shifts into gym memberships and how notoriously difficult some companies make cancellation. That becomes a broader discussion of contracts, legal jargon, companies burying unfavorable terms in the fine print, and the idea that a company can do nearly anything as long as somewhere in the agreement it effectively says:

“Lube is not included.”

Which evolves into the legal phrase nobody learned in law school:

Lubricus Not Includicas.

The gym discussion continues with Parker becoming irritated by someone occupying a machine without actually doing any reps while waiting for a friend to teach her how to use it. He and another gym member silently bond over their mutual frustration before both eventually abandon the exercise.

After the break, the show revisits last week’s most important guest.

The Business Manatee is alive.

Charles Mangrove III returns to publicly address the dramatic ending of Episode 259. He says the North Florida-South Georgia fish markets had tanked, he lost a great deal of money, and his previous behavior came during an extremely low point.

The show briefly makes an explicit point that suicide is not a joke and that people experiencing suicidal thoughts should seek help. Charles says he did exactly that, got help, spent time recovering, and is now doing much better.

Even better, the fish markets have bounced back.

Charles has apparently made all his money back and claims he “pulled himself up by his flipper straps,” immediately creating another potential episode title.

That launches an on-air debate between “Flipper Straps” and “Lubricus Not Includicas.” Business Manatee solves the problem using timeless business strategy: throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.

Charles then offers a fresh investment idea: GameStop. His reasoning involves executive stock purchases, “moon tickets,” and the kind of financial confidence that makes Parker question whether the Business Manatee learned anything from last week.

Before leaving, Parker asks Charles for help with another economic crisis: expensive organic half-and-half creamer repeatedly spoiling weeks before its printed expiration date. Business Manatee admits dairy is outside his North Florida-South Georgia fish-market expertise and provides almost no useful answer.

After Charles leaves, the show pivots into health news.

Parker brings up reports about drug-resistant Shigella, which the episode describes as an increasingly difficult-to-treat bacterial infection spreading in part through sexual contact, particularly among men who have sex with men.

That sets off exactly the kind of discussion BLC listeners would expect.

The guys try to understand fecal-oral transmission, why Shigella historically spread in daycares, how sexual behavior can transmit it, and which parts of the human body should remain strictly exit-only.

The explanation then transforms into a full airlock analogy involving astronauts, facilities, alien invasions, dinosaurs, inner chambers, outer chambers, and whether a person can technically be “inside” without being inside.

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Fall is here, the weather is unhinged, and things are getting weird on Episode 259 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast! Parker, Fred, and Allan welcome a Gen Alpha El Niño to explain why Mother Nature is acting sus, dive into NASCAR lawsuits, bizarre sports controversies, and questionable North Carolina laws, then get a crash course in fish-market economics from old-money Florida legend Charles Mangrove III, aka The Business Manatee, who somehow owes a gray whale $47 million. Throw in Dennis Rodman, old-school R&B, televangelist scandals, and megachurch money, and you've got another wildly unpredictable episode of The Black Lincoln Collective!

In “El Nino and the Business Manatee” | Episode 259 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, fall has arrived, the weather is getting weird, and apparently the only people qualified to explain it are El Nino himself and an old-money Florida manatee named Charles Mangrove III.

Parker, Fred, and Allan kick things off with fall weather, walking to school, Halloween plans, and a special guest appearance from a Gen Alpha version of El Nino who tries to explain Pacific Ocean temperatures, La Nina, weather patterns, and why 2026 may be coming in hot.

Then BLC Sports delivers a NASCAR marriage-destruction lawsuit, North Carolina’s bizarre alienation-of-affection laws, Enes Kanter Freedom, Dennis Rodman, the WNBA, and political sports commentary before the show welcomes its most prestigious guest yet: The Business Manatee.

Charles Mangrove III joins the show from the North Florida-South Georgia fish markets to explain revenue, profit, cash flow, customer acquisition costs, market share, old money, fish-market economics, and why he somehow owes a gray whale $47 million.

The show closes with an in-memoriam segment for Freddie Jackson and Jim Bakker, discussions about old-school R&B, televangelism, megachurch money, PTL Club history, and whether anyone actually knows where all that church money goes.

00:01:10 — Sponsored by Sexy Ants
Episode 259 begins with a sponsor whose species remains unclear.

00:02:01 — Fred’s Threads
The crew discovers the only social-media branding Fred will ever need.

00:03:03 — Watering Plants With Your Pants On
Parker introduces Fred using a sentence that even Parker admits he invented without understanding.

00:04:54 — Is That a Flute?
A Roman candle briefly becomes a musical instrument.

00:06:43 — El Nino Arrives
Fred introduces his West Coast friend, and weather science immediately becomes character work.

00:07:35 — Gen Alpha El Nino
El Nino explains that he “just sounds rough” because this is apparently the younger generation of weather phenomena.

00:08:10 — Giant Bathtub Weather Science
The Pacific Ocean becomes a bathtub with a giant weather shuffle button.

00:08:55 — La Nina Is Cold as AF
Meteorology finally becomes accessible to the youth.

00:09:09 — 2026 El Nino
The new El Nino promises to be “real real,” which is apparently meteorological terminology.

00:09:22 — “I’m Not LARPing El Nino”
Perhaps the first time that sentence has ever been spoken.

00:11:34 — Speedrunning the Weather Transition
El Nino explains the movement from La Nina to El Nino like a Twitch streamer breaking a record.

00:13:52 — The Weather Final Boss
The 1997-98 El Nino becomes a final boss, 2015 says “watch this,” and 2026 apparently gets the patch that makes the boss stronger.

00:14:13 — “Hold My Capri Sun”
The official warning from a dangerous global climate phenomenon.

00:15:25 — El Nino Bombed
The guest leaves and everyone immediately reviews his performance.

00:18:23 — NASCAR Divorce Sports
The first sports story has very little to do with driving and a lot to do with ruining a marriage.

00:19:19 — $850,002
The extra two dollars in punitive damages become funnier than the other $850,000.

00:20:31 — His Middle Name Is Odie
The crew temporarily stops discussing adultery law to process a man's middle name.

00:20:46 — Criminal Conversation
Everyone learns there is apparently a legal term that sounds like talking itself became a felony.

00:22:40 — Mock Jury Callback
The enormous judgment brings Parker’s “Lawyer Letters” mock-trial experience back into the conversation.

00:25:18 — Professional Looking
The crew realizes NASCAR spotters can make serious money for being exceptional at saying, essentially, “there it is.”

00:26:55 — Boyz II Men Become Men
The group loses members because, apparently, they finally grew up.

00:29:38 — Presidential WNBA Pardon
The crew attempts to determine how someone could possibly be “pardoned” into a basketball league.

00:36:39 — The Business Manatee Arrives
The most important financial guest in BLC history makes his debut.

00:36:48 — Charles Mangrove III
An extraordinarily appropriate surname for a manatee businessman.

00:37:41 — Multiple Headphones, None Being Worn
The first visible sign of enormous financial success.

00:37:55 — Naked Manatee Family Photos
Charles has family photos behind him. Technically, none of them are wearing clothes.

00:39:30 — Chuck E. Man
Charles Mangrove III gains a nickname almost immediately.

00:39:53 — Revenue vs. Profit
The Business Manatee is briefly a legitimate educational resource.

00:41:07 — Tim Tebow From Texas
The listener is absolutely not the football player, despite having essentially the same name.

00:42:04 — “Can I Call You B.M.?”
The Business Manatee receives the worst possible abbreviation.

00:43:07 — Customer Acquisition Cost
Charles finally encounters a business concept the Business Manatee may not fully understand.

00:43:47 — Old Manatee Money
Forget self-made entrepreneurship. This fish empire is generational.

00:44:12 — The Penitenti-Manatee
The manatee wordplay reaches dangerous levels.

00:45:28 — Market Share Pie
Charles regains his credibility with the classic pie metaphor.

00:46:37 — The $47 Million Whale Debt
The successful businessman suddenly reveals one fairly significant liability.

00:47:17 — “It’s All a Front”
Business Manatee finally admits his success story may not be entirely accurate.

00:48:41 — Parker Drove a Manatee to Madness
The interview ends about as successfully as every serious BLC interview.

00:50:39 — Freddie Jackson Memorial
The episode becomes a heartfelt old-school R&B appreciation show for several minutes.

00:51:16 — Wrong Love Songs
Parker and Fred try to remember Freddie Jackson songs and accidentally begin crediting him with other people’s catalogs.

00:52:01 — Back When It Was Making Love
Fred compares old-school romantic R&B with considerably less subtle modern music.

00:53:53 — Jim Bakker Memorial
Parker's memorial introduction is slightly less complimentary.

00:57:42 — A Million Dollars a Week
The crew processes how much money PTL Club was reportedly pulling in during its peak.

00:58:43 — Guess Jim Bakker’s Net Worth
Both guesses are wildly wrong.

01:00:10 — Megachurch Plane Economics
The conversation reaches the inevitable question: how many private planes does God actually require?

#blcpodcast #podcastingforthepeople #funny #podcast #greenvillesc #scpodcast #yeahthatgreenville Listen at: https://americasfavoritepodcast.com Follow us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/blcpodcast/ Check us out on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/blcpodcast/ Buy Fred and Allan Beer: https://www.patreon.com/blcworld

Episode 258 opens with reverb, ears, corn, fake governors, and the crew trying to remember how podcast intros work before Parker officially welcomes everyone to another edition of the Black Lincoln Collective Podcast. 258-2 258-2

The first major story belongs to Fred, whose son has officially turned 13. Fred is less impressed with the birthday itself than with the fact that he managed to keep another human alive for 13 years. He points out that TVs, cars, marriages and various other things haven't necessarily lasted as long, but the kid is alive, healthy, doing well in school and playing football. 258-2 258-2

For his birthday, Fred's son doesn't ask for a huge party. He asks for a day out with his parents. Fred's wife turns that into an itinerary built around mystery choice cards. The day starts with donuts and coffee, followed by Frankie's Fun Park, video games, miniature golf, a mall stop, dinner, another round of miniature golf and eventually pickleball.

At Frankie's, Fred refuses to let his now-teenage son beat him at putt-putt because apparently fatherhood ends where competitive miniature golf begins. Later in the day, the family comes back for another round, discovers no employee at the outdoor counter and, after waiting several minutes, decides the statute of limitations on paying for miniature golf has expired.

Dinner becomes a more complicated decision. Fred's son wants the full birthday spectacle, including restaurant employees making a big deal about him. Options include Cheddar's and Miyabi's, but Papa Fred eventually takes over and selects Twin Peaks, where his son gets dessert, attention from the servers and a birthday experience that Fred considers a proper transition into teenage life.

That leads to a surprisingly long investigation into whether restaurants are legally allowed to sing “Happy Birthday.” Parker checks and discovers that the song has been in the public domain since 2016, meaning the restaurant simply chose not to sing it rather than being blocked by copyright law.

The family finishes the day with pickleball. Fred wins the series 2-1 before fatigue starts catching up with him, while Fred's wife later crashes into a metal divider trying to chase down a shot. Everyone survives, which means Fred's 13-year parenting streak remains intact.

After the break, Parker introduces the BLC Restaurant Review Roundup. While creating a rating system, the guys briefly settle on “two pointy things up,” then “two nipples out,” before delivering the philosophical breakthrough that gives the episode its title:

“The thumbs are the nipples of the hand.” 258-2

Fred reviews a small, flashy Mexican restaurant in Greer. The atmosphere is dark and stylish, complete with string lights, 80s music, elaborate cocktails, dry ice, novelty drink containers and food that occasionally arrives on fire. But Fred isn't there for the theater. His burrito arrives dry with the sauces separated on side plates, his wife's meal disappoints her, and another person at the table doesn't finish his food. Fred ultimately gives the place roughly 1.5 sauces, arguing that the experience looks better than it tastes.

That becomes a larger BLC restaurant philosophy: if the food is great, the show is a bonus. If the food is bad, smoke, fire, dry ice and elaborate presentation aren't going to save it.

Allan's review goes much better. He visits a Brazilian steakhouse where servers continuously bring skewers of meat to the table. There are sides, salad-bar options, steaks, chicken, wine and the red/green system that tells the staff whether you want more. Allan forgets to flip his marker and accidentally enters a meat endurance competition. His final score: essentially 10 meat rods out of 10.

Parker then reviews something technically not a restaurant: World's Finest Chocolate.

The fundraiser from “The Ten Chocolate Commandments” has ended, but Parker learns that unsold chocolate does not simply go back. He is now the unwilling owner of dozens of leftover chocolate bars. Worse, he thinks the modern bars are nowhere near as good as the ones he remembers from childhood.

That launches a long discussion about selling them to gas stations, giving them away, whether even homeless people would reject them, cardboard-box real estate and increasingly elaborate rating systems. World's Finest Chocolate eventually earns approximately one cardboard box full of diarrhea out of seven.

And with that, Episode 258 ends exactly where every quality restaurant-review podcast should: debating cardboard housing and leftover fundraising chocolate.

#blcpodcast #podcastingforthepeople #funny #podcast #greenvillesc #scpodcast #yeahthatgreenville Listen at: https://americasfavoritepodcast.com Follow us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/blcpodcast/ Check us out on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/blcpodcast/ Buy Fred and Allan Beer: https://www.patreon.com/blcworld

In “Lawyer Letters” | Episode 257 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Parker gets the opportunity of a lifetime: six hours in a virtual mock trial where he gets paid to judge strangers, argue about negligence, assign blame, debate damages, eat chicken wings, and slowly convince himself that he is Perry Mason.

After surviving legalese, questionable jurors, an $873,000 damages suggestion, and the invention of Parker’s imaginary lawyer credentials, the crew heads into Fredline News. This week brings an orange shark, a serial butt sniffer, Michael Douglas trivia, a Titanic mayonnaise story, rumors of disappearing genitals, an endurance athlete’s unfortunate mid-race bathroom emergency, and a Florida case involving allegations that become increasingly difficult to describe.

It’s law, news, bodily functions, bad decisions, and three men who should probably never be selected for the same jury.

00:06:50 — Everybody Loves to Sue
A discussion of addictive behavior somehow lands on lawsuits, giving Parker the opening he needs to reveal his mock-jury adventure.

00:07:53 — “Yes the Fuck I Would”
Parker is invited to participate in a virtual trial and has absolutely no hesitation.

00:10:00 — The Lawyer’s Closing Strategy
The plaintiff’s lawyer essentially returns to say everything the defense just told them is wrong. Parker immediately respects the move.

00:11:07 — Setting the Price Early
The lawyer frames damages in the neighborhood of $750,000 to $2 million. Parker’s initial response is closer to “$25 tops.”

00:14:33 — Lunch Break Legal Strategy
Parker uses the comforts of remote jury service to prepare chicken wings and return to several hours of legal terminology.

00:16:29 — Parker Discovers Power
The moderator tells participants they can help explain concepts to confused jurors. This is the exact permission Parker should never have received.

00:17:09 — Statistical Idiots
Parker realizes that a random group of twelve people statistically guarantees somebody will have no idea what is happening.

00:17:35 — “I Am the Law”
Parker decides the actual written law may be less important than whatever he personally thinks should happen.

00:20:40 — Steve Arrives
Parker finally finds the angry juror he was hoping for and immediately develops a courtroom friendship.

00:22:33 — Negligence Explained
Parker explains negligence using surgery. Fred thinks McDonald’s fries would have been a better example.

00:27:57 — $873,000
Everyone else is debating five-figure damages when one juror suddenly lands on $873,000 because the lawyer suggested something similar.

00:28:38 — Parker Wins
The group eventually moves toward roughly $25,000, Parker’s original number, giving him all the validation he needs.

00:31:05 — Lawyer Letters
Parker imagines his future legal title and produces the phrase that names the episode: “whatever fucking lawyer letters are.”

00:32:15 — Best Zoom Meeting Ever
Parker uses his closing remarks to tell Steve he loves him and declares the mock trial the most fun he has ever had in a Zoom meeting.

00:35:45 — Fredline News Returns
The show abruptly transforms from fake legal analysis into real-ish news analysis.

00:37:51 — Orange Shark
A rare orange nurse shark becomes “the world’s sexiest shark.”

00:39:43 — Serial Butt Sniffer
The phrase alone does most of the work.

00:49:06 — Titanic Mayonnaise
Fred begins telling Parker an extraordinarily suspicious story involving the Titanic and 1,200 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

00:50:40 — Cinco de Mayo
Parker realizes way too late that he has been professionally walked into a terrible pun.

00:51:43 — Missing Genitals
Fredline News introduces reports of men claiming their genitals have mysteriously disappeared or shrunk.

00:56:57 — Elite Athletic Competition
The crew discusses an endurance athlete who pushes through a catastrophic bathroom emergency rather than stopping the race.

01:06:35 — BLC Confidentiality Agreement
Anyone still listening is informed that they are now legally prohibited from admitting the podcast exists.

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• 00:01:00 — Weak Fart Start: The show opens with the 256th edition and immediately critiques the quality of a fart sound.
• 00:01:20 — “Can’t Do Attitude”: The official motto of the episode becomes a perfect summary of the entire show.
• 00:02:13 — Fred Fred Fred: Fred gets introduced as Fred, a friend of the show, and possibly the most Fred person available.
• 00:02:44 — Latino History Month: Allan’s “big, important audience” arrives for Latino History Month, and the crew hands him an impossible cultural assignment.
• 00:03:37 — Greatest Latino Artist: Ricky Martin, Menudo, and J.Lo enter the conversation before anyone is fully prepared.
• 00:05:09 — Menudo Takes a Dark Turn: The crew starts with boy-band nostalgia and immediately lands somewhere much heavier.
• 00:06:08 — J.Lo vs. Cardi B: A simple “greatest Latino artist” bit somehow becomes a booty-based ranking system.
• 00:07:06 — Cardi B Research: Fred appears to know a suspicious amount about Cardi B’s background.
• 00:09:13 — Better Than Expected: Parker admits Allan’s Latino History Month segment was significantly better than he expected, which is both praise and a roast.
• 00:11:45 — Minefield of Discovery: Parker describes trying to transition out of the segment as “navigating a minefield of discovery.”
• 00:12:36 — Internet Side Hustles: Fred says he reached out to the internet for side hustle ideas, which is never a safe sentence.
• 00:17:22 — Yard Rules: If something is closer to the road than the house, apparently it is free. This includes bicycles, baby strollers, and possibly people.
• 00:18:03 — Fake Possession: Mega churches allegedly paying people to fake possession becomes one of the better terrible career paths.
• 00:18:46 — Demon Freelancing: The crew imagines faking possession so well that the devil takes it as an invitation.
• 00:19:15 — Paid to Do Nothing: The dream side hustle is getting paid monthly to do nothing, which is immediately compared to Congress.
• 00:20:22 — BLC Car Wrap: The crew offers to wrap someone’s truck for $3,000, then admits they may just sharpie the logo on the side.
• 00:21:01 — Doo Doo DLC: “BLC” becomes “DLC,” then becomes “Doo Doo DLC,” and the episode title is born.
• 00:21:38 — Professional Wedding Crier: Parker turns crying at weddings into a full theatrical backstory involving betrayal, college roommates, and Terry.
• 00:22:37 — “Don’t Marry His Sister, Terry”: The paid crying bit reaches soap opera levels almost immediately.
• 00:23:29 — Substitute Bee: The crew discovers people may pay you to pollinate plants and turns it into the weirdest agricultural job description possible.
• 00:24:08 — Parmesan Bee Technology: The substitute bee job now requires a Parmesan cheese shaker taped where a stinger would be.
• 00:24:23 — Twerk Through the Garden: The only way to pollinate properly is to twerk through the field for $45 an hour.
• 00:25:03 — Japanese Food Explainer: “This is rice. What you do is you eat it.” Honestly, flawless customer service.
• 00:25:35 — American Food Explainer: Parker wants to explain American food to foreigners by pointing at excessive cheese and suspicious meat patties.
• 00:27:01 — Dog Poop Economy: The crew reminds listeners that people make good money vacuuming up dog poop, so maybe DoorDash is not the only path.
• 00:28:14 — Fake NFL Romance Scam: A scammer allegedly built such a strong fake football persona that Google and AI started believing it.
• 00:29:23 — Burger King, Best Restaurant in NYC: The crew explains how to trick AI by repeating bad information until the machine gives up and believes it.
• 00:34:51 — Scam-Spiracy: Parker invents a new category: scams plus conspiracies, or “scam-spiracies.”
• 00:35:48 — Culver’s Drive-Through Theory: Culver’s allegedly tricks you into thinking the line is short, then traps you in the waiting zone after you pay.
• 00:38:12 — Ice Cream Math: Waiting 12 minutes for three cones becomes “four minutes per ice cream cone,” which is unacceptable in South Carolina heat.
• 00:38:54 — Apparatus Plural: The crew debates the plural of apparatus because melted custard requires academic rigor.
• 00:40:39 — Big Toilet Paper: Parker accuses RFK Jr. and Big Toilet Paper of working together to increase bathroom demand.
• 00:42:49 — COVID Didn’t Give You Diarrhea: Fred points out that people bought toilet paper during COVID even though that was not the problem.
• 00:43:31 — Newspaper Bathroom Story: Fred remembers toilet paper disappearing immediately when it was introduced into a newspaper-only bathroom setup.
• 00:44:01 — “You Can’t Wipe Your Ass With a Dream”: Possibly the most profound line in the entire episode.
• 00:45:06 — Streaming Is Cable Revenge: Parker argues streaming apps are so annoying they are trying to make cable look good again.
• 00:46:46 — App-Hopping Football: Watching multiple games requires backing out, finding another app, loading, clicking, and watching commercials before anything happens.
• 00:49:19 — “I’m Not a TVologist”: Fred explains he does not know how the loaded TV box works because he is not a TVologist.
• 00:49:26 — “I Just Eat the Sausage”: Fred does not make the entertainment sausage. He just eats it.
• 00:49:51 — Vegas Confirmed: BLC officially confirms the February 2027 Vegas trip.
• 00:51:41 — American Airlines Chaos: A flight story involving a naked passenger becomes the least relaxing travel preview imaginable.
• 00:52:49 — Pollinate the Plane: The side hustle bee bit returns in the worst possible location: an aircraft cabin.
• 00:54:25 — Too Many Details, Not Enough Answers: The article gives gate details, aircraft type, and timing, but not the satisfying explanation everyone wants.
• 00:55:32 — Weekly Naked Plane Incidents: Parker discovers this apparently happens often enough to feel like a recurring airline feature.
• 00:56:50 — “Shalos”: The crew misnames “Shallow” as “Shalos” and then proceeds to dismantle the song anyway.
• 00:57:33 — Starts Strong, Ends Bad: Parker argues “Shallow” begins emotionally powerful and ends as one long “sha-la-la” loop.

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• 00:01:00 — Episode 255, Now With No Action: The show proudly announces the 255th episode and immediately promises “no action,” which is both a joke and a warning.
• 00:01:31 — Fred’s Gun Show: Fred’s sleeves apparently ripped right off his body because his 50-year-old arms are simply too powerful.
• 00:02:18 — Contractually Not Celebrating Fred Again: Parker explains that they celebrated Fred last week and are not contractually obligated to do it again, then spends half the episode doing exactly that.
• 00:03:34 — Surprise Party at Fred’s Own House: Fred’s wife tries to hide a surprise party while hosting it at the place where Fred lives, which is a bold logistical choice.
• 00:04:36 — The Big Tents: Fred gets forced to set up two huge tents for a party that supposedly no one is attending. The man was building his own surprise.
• 00:05:21 — Ocean’s Eleven But Domestic: Fred realizes his buddy is trying to get him out of the house and describes the operation like a heist movie with more beer.
• 00:06:45 — Classy Gentleman Drink: Fred, now 50 and classy, chooses Long Island iced teas as his grown-man drink of choice.
• 00:07:09 — Fred Ascends to Heaven: Fred’s camera light makes him look like he is being raptured mid-podcast, only for heaven to send back the wrong Fred.
• 00:08:17 — Melbourne Iced Tea: Outback becomes the natural home of the “Melbourne Iced Tea,” whether or not Australia asked for that.
• 00:09:17 — Shoe Koozie: Fred once used a shoe as a koozie for a giant Foster’s can and made it his Facebook profile picture. That is internet archaeology.
• 00:09:43 — Fred Loves Big Cans: The crew learns two things about Fred: he loves big cans, and he loves big cans.
• 00:10:16 — The White Shorts Incident: Fred admits he did not entirely make it to the bathroom while wearing white shorts, which is basically a comedy war crime against yourself.
• 00:12:17 — Dribbling to the Next Bar: Instead of going home, Fred continues the birthday adventure because “you only live once” and apparently white shorts are already compromised.
• 00:13:32 — Richard Butts: Two strangers start talking about a guy named Richard Butts, and Fred loses his mind trying not to hear “Dick and Butts” over and over.
• 00:14:50 — Not Surrounded by Dick and Butts: The crew imagines Fred dying at the restaurant and refusing to go out surrounded by Dick and Butts.
• 00:15:11 — Give Me Your Keys: Fred’s buddy finally does the responsible thing and takes his keys, which somehow feels like the most adult moment in the entire show.
• 00:18:15 — Just Got Out of County: Fred arrives at the surprise party dressed entirely in white and immediately gets compared to someone who just left county jail.
• 00:19:23 — White Party: Fred explains he was wearing white because he knew Labor Day was coming and wanted to get all the white out of his system.
• 00:19:49 — Kids Playing Blackjack: Fred teaches the kids blackjack at his birthday party, which turns the celebration into a tiny casino with Capri Suns.
• 00:22:51 — Fred’s Blackjack Table: The blackjack table becomes the only thing kids care about, leaving the other party games abandoned like ghost towns.
• 00:24:03 — Wife Wins the Gift Contest: Fred’s wife tops everybody by gifting him tickets to see Jeff Arcuri in Las Vegas.
• 00:26:16 — BLC Vegas Meeting: The show announces a Vegas trip for early February 2027 and immediately tells everyone not to tell Fred’s wife.
• 00:27:35 — Vegas Destroys the Nation: The crew decides every time BLC goes to Vegas, one more pillar of the country collapses.
• 00:30:51 — The Promised Video Game Segment: The crew claims they have promised since episode two that episode 255 would include a video game segment. Sure. Why not.
• 00:31:45 — First Consoles: The guys compare childhood systems, including Sega Master System, NES, ColecoVision, and Atari 2600.
• 00:33:01 — White House Arcade: Parker describes a political arcade game set with knockoffs inspired by Tetris, Snake, Flappy Bird, and other games. The crew’s reaction is basically disbelief and dread.
• 00:35:48 — Tetris Responds: The Tetris Company distancing itself from the “Build the Wall” knockoff becomes one of the more normal parts of a very abnormal segment.
• 00:39:17 — Wolverine Is Canadian: The Wolverine game discussion turns into the obvious conclusion: Wolverine is the meanest Canadian ever.
• 00:41:03 — GTA Roleplay: Allan explains GTA roleplay with servers, cops, criminals, jail, trials, lawyers, proximity chat, and character rules, and Parker realizes this game may have a more functional justice system than reality.
• 00:45:21 — Corrupt Cop Allan: Allan casually reveals he plays a corrupt cop, which somehow surprises no one.
• 00:47:07 — Fred Has Never Played GTA: Fred admits he has never played Grand Theft Auto, and the room reacts like he has confessed to never seeing a car.
• 00:49:52 — Leaks: GTA VI leaks turn into a perfect setup to roast Fred’s earlier bathroom leak.
• 00:50:15 — Dongs Karate: The episode swerves into a fake ad for Dongs.com and “Dongs Karate,” because apparently every weak spot in a karate fight needs branding.
• 00:52:13 — Man vs. Chimp: The crew discusses MMA fighter Cole Johnson saying he could beat a chimpanzee, and immediately starts rooting for the chimp.
• 00:53:18 — Put It on the Sphere: The imagined chimp fight becomes a Vegas spectacle that absolutely must be shown on the Sphere.
• 00:55:40 — $500,000 to Fight a Chimp: The crew decides this is exactly what GoFundMe should be for: not tragedy, but funding a man’s terrible decision to fight a chimp.
• 00:57:35 — Next Up, Polar Bear: The alleged next fight is a polar bear, and the crew debates whether the human should get a sword, a knife, or nunchucks. The bear still wins.
• 01:07:54 — Caesar D. Monkey: The fake movie franchise ends with a chimp named Caesar D. Monkey, which rolls directly back into the earlier “Dick and Butts” joke.
• 01:09:04 — Hold On to Your Butts: The perfect closing line for an episode built on tents, white shorts, blackjack, GTA cops, and chimp combat.

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• Episode 254 opens with “Shiver If Day,” Hot Trip Salad, platform plugs, ChatGPT jokes, and Bruce Buffer confusion.
• The crew discusses the Tupac case, Keith D., “Baby Lane,” old interviews, book confessions, and 30 years of delayed justice.
• The Tupac segment turns into food-based courtroom comedy with Savory Justice and fake detective John Savory.
• Parker’s car gets burgled, and the stolen items are weirdly personal: Bluetooth adapter, headphones, charger, cash, and his Aldi quarter.
• Fred admits to old car-handle-pulling behavior from the cassette-tape era.
• The guys revisit the story of Draper’s car getting stolen at a Braves game and returned with Funyuns and more gas.
• Allan tells a mugging story that ends with him admitting he actually was looking at the guy’s girlfriend.
• Parker tells a strange nun, tiger, cliff, and strawberry parable that immediately gets stepped on by the show.
• The USS Abraham Lincoln docking in Thailand after 200 days at sea becomes the title moment: VD Day.
• Fred’s 50th birthday becomes a full roast, including AI-written jokes, Satan, AARP, and Bernie Mac.
• Sports returns with Fred’s son starting middle school football and facing a terrifyingly large 13-year-old lineman.
• The crew makes Super Bowl picks, including real teams and fake teams that sound like rejected fantasy football names.
• Parker calls the farmers market a scam after paying too much for asparagus labeled as a product of Peru.
• The episode ends with sourdough, agua fresca, grocery-store loyalty, and Fred’s Big 5-O.

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In Episode 252 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Parker opens the show by admitting he forgot to write the intro, which is honestly one of the cleaner ways a BLC episode can start. The crew celebrates the newly expanded website archive, clarifies that the site does not really look new except for one button that leads to a million other things, and then immediately shifts into the main business of the week: selling chocolate.

Parker’s daughter is selling World’s Finest Chocolate, which gives him the chance to pitch Fred and Allan like a desperate school-fundraiser middleman. The bars are smaller, more expensive, and allegedly still the world’s finest because the label says so. That turns into a full candy-hustle bit about kids buying their own supply, cold-calling family members, door-to-door sales, QR codes, and Parker realizing he is paying taxes, paying for the trip, and now paying again through chocolate. Then the crew spins the whole thing into the Ten Chocolate Commandments, a ridiculous street-sales parody about never getting high on your own supply, keeping family and business separated, watching for the chocolate police, and staying dangerous in the candy streets.

The sales talk leads to scam talk. The guys riff on kids pretending to collect donations for football teams or lawn-care businesses, the minimal investment required to look official, and the power of a clipboard, a t-shirt, and just enough confidence to make adults hand over five dollars.

Then it’s time for sports. Football is coming back, Fred’s son is starting middle school football, and the crew talks about playing on a tiny team, getting number 62 instead of Fred’s old number 55, and being thrown into a scrimmage against a private-school football program that beats them 56 to 6. That leads into a viral story about a 16-year-old girl tackling a middle school football player from the sideline, which sends the guys into jokes about family loyalty, The Waterboy, sideline justice, and why the wrong person may have been on the team.

The sports segment continues through WNBA chatter, awkward naming jokes, Usain Bolt, and a Chinese humanoid robot reportedly running faster than Bolt’s top speed. The guys compare Bolt racing the robot to John Henry battling the steam drill, then spend several minutes realizing, debating, and rediscovering that John Henry dies in the story. That somehow becomes a broader conversation about man vs. machine, old Fox TV specials, Survivor, and why fighting technology is futile. Naturally, they consider letting AI do the podcast next week.

Before the break ends, Parker brings up Ray Chapman, the Cleveland shortstop who died after being hit by a pitch in 1920, because apparently “sports” now includes tragic baseball trivia and collectible cards from the 1970s.

After the break, the crew plays Would You Rather, and the episode gets even more unhinged. The questions start with waking up naked in a forest five miles from home or in underwear at work, then move into food vs. adult activities, erasing memories, AC vs. internet, being respected vs. being elite at something nobody values, punching or talking out of situations, nervous glitter sneezes, warm maple syrup sweat, mood-ring skin, thought-whispering hair, bean-sized men, man-sized beans, toes for $500,000, dog-controlled internet, cats writing traffic laws, three years in prison vs. two weeks in the Jurassic period, and underwater cave diving.

By the end, the guys have debated survival, shame, sticky syrup, dinosaurs, toes, caves, cavemen, and whether Parker is a caveman or just a man cave. It is fundraising, football, weird sports, robot anxiety, and impossible choices in one very sticky episode.

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