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We are living in what feels like an unprecedented time. There are genocides galore and the feelings of powerlessness and voicelessness abound— wreaking havoc on our emotions, yes, but also likely giving a pretty heavy dose of vicarious trauma. You can’t watch the aftermath of bombing, see babies beheaded, and simultaneously hear some of our government officials say “you just don’t understand,” without wondering what fucking reality you are living in. 

I don’t yet digress. I am a sex and relationship therapist. If I were you, I would be wondering why I am talking about this as though I have a modicum of expertise. After all, I am no political pundit. I would remind you that my expertise lies in understanding relationships, patterns, and power. And for me, that is all I see when I think about what is going on on the world stage. All I can see are connections, patterns, relationships, and power. 

From Sudan, to Palestine. From the Cannes movie festival shenanigans to Diddy’s possible comeuppance; all I see are connections. 

We are homegrown and our personalities spun around the concept of comfort. We want the easy thing that brings us a sense of comfort. White male comfort is the main priority but we can all get a piece if we play our roles. If you are a good white woman, you will get comfort and protection, if you are a good Black man, you will have some proximity to comfort and can use the Black woman to further that comfort mimicking dominant white structures. Let’s not forget that modeling after those whites who live in luxury, comfort, and power can also offer additional security— as long as you don’t get too uppity for your station. We want comfort so badly that we will use others to secure it. Hell, sometimes our very comfort depends on other people NOT having it, so we can feel that our brand of comfort is more special. 

We are born into consumerism. We can buy our every whim and if you ain’t ballin’ out of control, you can get the imitation version of whatever the other people have. This desire to have more for less created Walmart, which killed small mom and pop shops. This desire created SHEIN, and fast fashion, here and abroad. And like a baby, who doesn't have object permanence, we are out of sight, out of mind people. If we don’t see what it costs to have our comforts, if we don’t immediately see the powers at play, we hardly care about it.

 

But this is micro level shit, mezzo at best. This is how we interact with the systems around us. More for less is how we shop to stretch a dollar because money doesn’t go as far as it used to. But why? I will tell you it's because of more for less. Companies want more for less, too. And why shouldn't they, they are made up of people, after all. They are us, wanting what we want. They want more labor for less money. So they keep wages as they are. They want to offer more, and pay less, so they source materials and goods from other countries so they can pad the profit. They want comfort that mimics the dominant white structures, so they try to get as close to slave labor without violating laws. And because comfort doesn’t feel real when other people have the same as you, just like how white folk will close a pool, remove public parks, and vote against universal healthcare because Black people would benefit from it, too, they also try to make dummies feel special by paying them more because they are white, or men, or a combination, regardless of how it hurts the bottom line because while money is important, maintaining the delusion white and male supremacy is always the most important. 

Delusion: “something that is falsely or delusively believed or propagated.” Or to add a psychology def (still from Merriam's Dictionary): “a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary.”

Why act like mental health doesn’t matter? Because if it really matters and is actually done well, it can help disrupt racism, sexism, and how quickly we are devolving into fascism. 

It is hard to believe that there are so many people who think it is reasonable to simultaneously want to eradicate genocides happening in Sudan, Congo, Haiti, Tigre, Palestine, etc. and still want to maintain the white and/or male supremacist ideal (or any of its derivatives). It’s completely wild to me that the connections aren’t seen. That the desirability politics therein aren’t explored. That the contradictory nature of wanting freedom-ish and continued oppression doesn’t give folk a fucking headache. Seriously, my flabbers are gasted. But not really. I understand that change, of any kind and especially of what is being demanded, activates the sympathetic nervous system. We are on our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn BIG TIME. So many of us, in our own ways, are enemies of progress. We want to keep our sexism, racism, colorism, texturism, and featurism because it makes us feel more powerful than those  colored, darkies, kinky haired demons, and those Africans, respectively. 

I think one of the most disappointing things is that we have injected our racism right into how we are engaging with what is happening on the global stage. Desirability politics are playing a huge role. On a micro level, we can say who we will and won’t date. Our “preferences” lead the conversation and we feel a right to them. We don’t want to examine them too closely though, otherwise we will see the role that power has had in making choices for us. People in power, who wield it as a weapon, have decided who is the most desireable. This desire has allowed those folk to be seen as actual people—worthy of love, respect, attention, affection, and certain “unalienable rights.” But what about when you are not so desired? What about when you are darker than the brown paper bag, hair reaching for the stars, when you are not rolling in dough, when you are said to be a helpmate to a leading man? Well, we know what happens when someone sees you as an undesirable other: Sudan happens. Haiti happens. Tigre happens. Congo happens. Palestine happens.

You want the genocides to stop while you engage in their less obvious (read: to you) siblings at home. Things that you see as less serious or less of an emergency. When you have that touch of otherness or power, Cannes musical festival shenanigans happen. Diddy having alleged years of abusing and harming others without real consequence, happens. The failure of our educational system means some of us don’t even understand that models of hate are exported from the U.S. – specifically the historical and continued mistreatment of Black people– to other spaces. Then they(other countries) perfect it a bit, put their own spin on it, and bring it right the fuck back. But people want to keep their global anti-blackness because it warms their cockles. Maintain the supposedly “natural” subservient place of a woman so they can know where they stand in relation. Because it gives a sick sense of pleasure and power.

You want peace at someone else’s expense— more for less.

As long as you, for the most part, receive the benefits you want, with minimal visible harm to you and the folk you directly know, you are willing to have others be harmed on your behalf. Especially if there is enough propaganda and thinly veiled “reasons” for others to suffer. 

I wonder which half of us would still buy the thing if we could look into the eye of the person who lost a finger, a hand, a family, a life so that we could have it. If you had to talk to the people who were enslaved, bullied, cajoled, and harmed, would you still place the order? If you had to see the connections to the harm around you in every word, breath, and thought, how would you withstand it? If you couldn’t look away from it. If you couldn’t ignore it. If you grew into your object permanence. Consider it, I am writing this initial draft in google drive. Google, who has essentially created a monopoly with its search engine and is employing a “pay to play” and AI search — giving me things that are sponsored as opposed to what I am truly asking for. On an iPad from a company implicated in the ongoing harm in Sudan and Congo. In a house on Piscataway land. Wearing a robe and glasses that were made in China so I could have them cheaply. I am implicated. And so are you. 

Unless, of course, you are one who is ready to fix your lips to tell those who suffer, to their faces, the tales of your ignorance and obvious lack of complicity. To tell them of your own victimhood and lay blame elsewhere. 

There are levels to this both on a local and global level. We share responsibility. Yes, many of us are oppressed. But we are also oppressors. And the oppressed oppressor has work to do, too

Recently I had the honor of meeting with Dr. Jess for her podcast, Sex with Dr. Jess and we spoke about sexual compatibility. I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I think folk use the idea of being sexually compatible as a cop out. 

What I mean is that we often work hard as hell to NOT try but then blame everything on sexual compatibility. We will say there is no chemistry, that we feel off, and have really done no work. Now, you know that I am a whole assed sex and relationship therapist so ima give you a short run down on the tea spilt in that conversation with Dr. Jess.

There are levels to this

When we talk about compatibility people act like it’s a binary, which makes sense given that we think of most things as being black or white with no room for shades or gray. We are taught that things should and do fit into neat little packages so we often miss the nuance in the very things we are hoping to explore.

When it comes to relationships, there are levels to this shit. Meaning that compatibility also had levels to it. You can be compatible and in sync  with regard to linking each other, how you spend time together, love languages, and how you both like sex. And you can also find that you are sexually discordant– a fancy way to say that one of you likes and desires sex more than the other. 

When this happens people often are approaching a partner as if they or the partner is broken or wrong for wanting what they want. But I think of sexual desires like I would any other appetite. If you wanted cake and they didn’t while you might joke that they are weird, you wouldn't hold it against them that they don’t want any. Sex works similarly. How often we desire sex (and what kind of sex we desire) can change from day to day and moment to moment. 

Alternatively speaking

After coming to grips with the whole “not broken” part of it all, you then get to choose what to do about it all. There are several options, some which may look better than others.

1. You can create a list of sexual activities that would be satisfying and in those moments when you are not on the same page, you can look to see if any of them would serve as a great sexy alternative to meeting needs without violating boundaries.

2. You can both further explore what is hitting on your sexual gas versus the sexual brakes and see if working out some of those things may help being you onto the same sexual page

3. You can explore other relationship types that allow for needs to be met while maintaining your romantic connection. Meaning maybe take a look at ethical non-monogamy. I know we are also very heavily indoctrinated into monogamy, but reimagining your relationship and considering how needs can be met, can also be hella helpful. It could also take the pressure off to perform and meet every need that your partner has. You can look at opening up romantically and having various partners, or opening up sexually only and exploring swinging etc to better meet a physical desire. 

The point is this, we are not always sexually on the same page and it doesn't mean that we are broken. It also doesn’t mean its automatically time to jump ship and move on to someone else. Sometimes we need to so some extra work to explore where we are, and create workable solutions. Otherwise, you can refer to what I said at the start: you are using compatibility as a cop out to not have to work. 

Feel  free to check out the episode with Dr. Jess HERE

Some people will have clicked on the link leading to this blog either fully hoping that I will say that Angel Reese, in all her Black girl glory is being arrogant, or that you will click it waiting to lambast me for lambasting her. Well, if you are in the former camp, you will be sorely disappointed, though, if you stick around, you might learn a thing or two. If you are in the latter camp, welcome to the space where Black women and girls are very rarely in the wrong. 

There is an expectation that Black people, and women especially, will humble themselves before the supposed greatness of whiteness and maleness. That we will be humble in our achievements, because we are intended to be invisible in our labor that benefits white pockets. Well, it seems those days are dead, and good riddance! 

When it comes to Angel, there have been debates about if she was being confident or arrogant–though no matter what, so many had already decided she displayed a lack of sportsmanship. Well, a cursory search for the difference between confidence and arrogance yielded this result: 

Confidence: confident individuals have high self-worth and therefore, is unbothered by bragging or boasting about their achievements. 

Arrogance:An arrogant individual places too much importance on their self-image and is never satisfied. They feel the need to boast as they are, in actual fact, not happy with their external persona.

You see, where we get it f*cked up is in the assumption that Black people– Black women especially,  were ever meant to feel a sense of confidence in who we are at all. Women are socialized to be quiet supporters of men so that men may dominate and we become the quiet supportive labor to their “greatness.” The same is true for Black people and people of color. Black people were brought to this country and enslaved to serve as the hands, legs and backs of the supposed greatness of white folk. That is to say both men and whiteness have wanted labor— without complaint,  lest we are erroneously humanized and see us as something other than laborious support. 

While we are a few years removed from enslavement, though those of us who are paying attention also know that the legacy has continued in “new” ways, we continue with the spirit of humbling Black folk and women to honor the traditions of white male supremacy and superiority. As such, misogynoir is running rampant in these streets, unfettered and unchecked. 

Who is Defining her as arrogant?

What we are seeing is that a whole lot of white folk and a lot of men have decided that Angel’s actions were the textbook definition of arrogant. Though I think the word they would like to use is “uppity.” Because there is a perceived audacity for a Black woman– who was never intended to play a sport, to dominate in it, and to do so better than her peers who are white, and to flaunt that talent, not quietly, but aloud. 

It’s not about Race?

What’s amazing to me is the number of white men who are now claiming expertise in the areas of race relations—especially when we know that the real experts are the people oppressed by it daily.

What’s amazing to me are the number of men and masculine people claiming expertise on sexism, when the real experts are the people who live under its thumb daily.

White men are saying this has nothing to do with racism or sexism, that it only has to do with being classy and displaying unsportsmanlike behavior. 

Makes sense for them to say that, doesn't it?

Think about it, if it is not about race or sexism, in an obvious way, then it’s still about those things, but will be rooted in the tradition of “appropriate behavior” as has already been defined and codified by the white male supremacist delusion.

Saying something isn’t about race or sex doesn’t make it true. But it does serve to confuse the folk who are not experts in racism or sexism. And if I am not being clear, white men are not the experts on either. 

What I mean here is that when you are oppressed by systems, you don’t have the privilege of not knowing everything there is to know about the phenomenon. Knowing about the ways racism and sexism work can serve to help preserve your life. You see the ways it works and who it works more harshly for. You are able to create strategies for surviving under its thumb, while still trying to make bids for freedom. In other words:  you know it intimately. You see it at play in your daily life. You watch it play out in the spaces where you can only watch. You will see it over your breakfast and hear about it before you lay your head down for rest. It surrounds you on the daily. 

Conversely, when the system is meant to benefit you, you barely see it. For you (the white folk, the male folk), it’s just the way of life. It makes you ignorant to the ways in which others live their lives, having to consider you, to consider who you are, to think about how you might behave, and the social power you have that can make their lives miserable– or even cease altogether.

So in the case of Angel, and other Black women who achieve and achieve OUT LOUD, saying it’s not about race or sex doesn’t make it true. It just means we end up talking around the conversation because the white, male experience is actively, but invisibly, being centered. And in this centering, what the real experts know is that women like Angel, who achieve or feel or do OUT LOUD are a threat to the status quo. 

But because for so many we are post-racial (massive eyeroll), because we believe bringing up race is divisive, and because the strategy here is to make the strings on obvious centering, power, and dominance, invisible, we take what is obvious for some of us and say that the problem is not the problem. Suddenly Angel’s gesture on the court isn’t a race issue or a sexism issue, it's about “class” and sportsmanlike behavior– and being classy enough to behave in a way that men and white people would prefer, which wouldn’t threaten their self-proclaimed dominance. What we forget is that class and sportsmanship has been entirely codified and understood through the lens of the white supremacist patriarchal delusion. That Black people have been taught to behave in a way that would preserve their wellbeing where white people are present and would view them as a threat. That women have been taught to behave in a way that would preserve their wellbeing where men might see them as someone to “put in their place.”

And though many of us would never even deign to watch women play sports, suddenly out of the mouths of virtual babes, is the concern of where Angel’s sportsmanship is. Where her humble, quiet, talent is?

The desire to have her Black body perform the sport, as though a puppet, while keeping her personhood, personality and passion out of the arena. 

We have not checked on our own misogynoir to begin to have commentary on how she should act. We who uplift the brash and open celebration from men on the court, field, or rink. We who glorify in the passionate displays and the “arrogance” of displayed talent – as long as the money continues to roll in.

No. Some folk became sudden experts in race relations and sexism but instead of deciding to use their voices to speak up on unequal pay, efforts to display women’s talent on screen, or to do almost anything else, they decide that this is where they would rather place their expertise. 

Remember: minding your business is free and is great for your mental health. And this, like other platforms, is a great place to listen and learn instead of needing to center yourself in a conversation where your expertise is lacking.

So to answer the opening question:

No, Angel was not being arrogant, she was in her full confidence. But when you view anything from the white supremacist lens, her obvious talent and ownership of that talent, make her into something else entirely.

Source: https://www.singleblackmale.org/2014/05/09/8-things-black-women-hate-called/black-woman-short-hair-upset-2/

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, they’re all around the corner. So, I have to ask, are you ready to deal with your family? 

We all  know how it is when you go home, all your family is there, that auntie, your uncles, some of them you love and some of them you're not even sure you like. And while everybody is hanging out waiting for grandma to finish cooking dinner, they get to asking dumb questions. I mean all kinds of things like:

"Did you lose weight?” 

“Oh you look little more hefty, you been eating good?”

Then comes the one that you’ve really, really been dreading....

"How come you ain't got no boyfriend" or "You still don’t have a special girl?"

“Why ain't you married yet?” “Where my grandbabies?”

Those are some of the most disrespectful questions that you'll get over this holiday season, mostly because your relatives have failed to MIND THEIR BUSINESS! They don’t know that there are therapeutic benefits (you can read about them here!) Being single over the holidays can be really rough because of various things, specifically having family members ask about why you don't have somebody special in your life. It can feel like it's a personal failure on your part because you didn’t do what your family has expected you to do and get knocked up or at least start your journey by dating someone. I mean let’s be honest, aren’t all these questions founded on the fact that your family want some little ones running around? And while I can respect that they want something so special, you still have a whole life to live that should not be revolving around whether you're going to disappoint your family for the holidays. At the end of the day, your being single has nothing to do with your self worth. It's just a part of where you are in life.

So, if you’re not in the mood to share your life or feel like you need to explain yourself here is your guide on how to deal with your family asking dumb ass questions, especially about your singledom over the holidays. (Yes, I said singledom!)

Now there have been many solutions out there, one of my favorites has been seeing people put up those ads for fake boyfriends and girlfriends. You know the one, I’m talking about - where they offer to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for a couple hours in exchange for some of grandma’s collard greens and sweet potato pie! And that is certainly one way to go, I have to give it to them, it is innovative. 

But ya’ll should know by now I'm all about telling the truth wherever and whenever possible. So, you can tell your relatives that your therapist (which is me today) said to mind they business and that you can't be with nobody right now. BOOM!

Another way to deal, other than having a fake partner or having a fake therapist is to tell your family that you're not allowed to be with nobody. If you have a religious bunch why don't you go ahead and tell them that you are married to the Lord. Tell them that the Lord said He will provide when the time is right, your earthly husband or earthly wife or earthly person. What they gonna say? Isn't it blasphemous if they try to say something like "well the Lord need to hurry up?" Though, I have been known to say that line a time or two myself, but I ain’t got no couth. And as you tell them, be sure to ask them kindly to pass you the ham at the same time! 

In all seriousness, if you feel like you have the type of family that will carry on about what accomplishments you don't have, comparing you, or otherwise making you feel less-than about your life like including not having a partner at the holidays, you need not spend your time with them. This is part of self care, spending time in ways that benefit you, not in ways that harm you.

1. You can go to a friends house for Thanksgiving and enjoy the pie over there, or even make yourself a lil somethin’ somethin’ at home.

2. You can try redirecting the conversation, or letting folk know that the link of questioning makes you uncomfortable and to please stop.

3. Or just pick up and leave when things get beyond you tolerance level, don’t forget to grab some pie

However, I believe in the power of setting expectations prior to arriving. So if you do decide to visit your family, let people know that you will not be answering any questions about X, Y, or Z and you don't want to hear about it or talk about it. If you’re not quite ready to set expectations, you can always studiously ignore them! Whichever way you want to go for the holidays just remember that your being single is not a character defect or character flaw. You are in the space you are in because of whatever choices you have made or the choices that other people have made. You've chosen that you want something better for yourself, someone better than whoever you might have been with a couple months, weeks, or days ago. They didn't belong in your life and they certainly don't belong around your Thanksgiving table. So, rock out, start the holidays, end this year, and start the new year thinking about you and your needs leaving the door open for all the best for you. 

And your family...they can just wait the same way that you are, they ain’t got grandkids money anyway! 

On Instagram I asked for some asshole ways to answer the “Why are you still single question?” Here are the top 3:

1. Why are you still married to you cheating ass husband

2. Dick too big (shrug emoji)

3. I don’t know grandma, why do you still vote for trump and want me dead?

What are yours?!

Source: https://www.thehealthy.com/mental-health/tips-black-therapists-anxiety-covid-19-racial-trauma/

Due to the recent racist BS, I feel like Black America has felt every emotion. From rage to overwhelm, stress, sadness, and confusion. Almost everything but void of any form of joy. Of course when you feel you need help navigating these feelings and learning how to deal with them, a therapist will always be my recommendation. But, when choosing a therapist, please remember that politics should not be left at the door.

As long as the Black body is political, your therapy should include some politics. I say this specifically in light of everything that has been going on recently, and unfortunately seems to be on a never ending loop. There are actually therapists out in these streets who will tell you that therapy and politics don't go together. They believe that they are and should remain as separate entities. While that might sound about right to you, what I hear is that they don't see you. When they make statements like that, all I hear from them is that they are okay with willfully ignoring everyday occurrences that impact your mental health for their own comfort. They would prefer not to discuss racial injustice, the history of Black people, and certain viewpoints simply because they don’t like to or have failed to do their own work. If this is the case for the therapist you are looking at or the therapist you are seeing, you might have the wrong therapist. Why? Because everything that they want you to leave at the door, are the very things you need to address and are part of the reason you scheduled your appointment in the first place. 

All the shit we deal with, racial injustices, COVID, etc. are VERY political, especially now. It's so political with a goal to make it commonplace and mundane that it barely gets recognized as a mental health need.Therapy and therapists are only barely considered essential! Save the body, lose the mind. Although our purpose and our goal is to help you live your best life and become the best version of yourself, we are hardly considered essential, even as racism kills us at breakneck speeds. 

Racism and mental health are political. They are such political issues that when a white man decides that he's going to go on a rampage and kill Black people, the media will tell us he was a lone wolf with mental health issues, in an attempt to justify his actions.

It's used as political warfare because you know what can really help move people's mental health? Therapy.

Having good mental health makes you feel you can do anything. Having your mental faculties about you allows you to assess things differently and not from a place of hurt and trauma. It helps prevent you from living life trying to prove yourself, the same way you did when you were 4, 5 and 6 to your mommies and daddies who loved you only the best that they knew how. Mental health frees you from the clutches of the world around you, being able to recognize how racism, colorism, sexism, ageism, abel-ism, and the other ism's of the world coalesce around you. You’ll be able to recognize how they inform your decisions and how they influence/impact your experiences. Being able to recognize all of that shit, to feel the hurt from it, to heal from it, gives you power that they don't want you to have. They don’t want you to realize, embrace, and live life knowing you have power. So despite what some therapists try to say, therapy is fucking political. As long as the Black body remains political so too will Black bodies in therapy. 

Therapy without politics sounds a lot like polite conversation, as my friend Dr. Lexx would say. You don’t go to therapy to just feel good for a moment, you go to therapy to heal from a lifetime of hurts with skills to continue on with. Therapists must do better, yes, but don’t you pick someone who refuses to see you either. And if your therapist does not understand how it can be political, they might be the wrong damn therapist.

Here are a few resources if you’re looking for a therapist: 

• Therapy for Black Girls

• Melanin and Mental Health

• Therapy For Black Men

• Therapy for LatinX

• National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network

  
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Whether it’s my clients or my friends, I constantly hear people talking about who they’re dating, and I often wonder if they're just wish dating. You know wish dating, when you wish the person you’re dating lived up to that list you made in your head. When they don’t you work extra hard to try and make them - before you know it your relationship consists of nothing but wishing and working. That's why I usually stop people as they tell me about their significant others and the problems they’re having. I have to ask them, “are you dating the person or the idea of who you wish they were?” For some people, this question can hit a little bit too hard because they're not ready, but I figured since you clicked this blog, you’re ready.

I’m sure you already have an idea of what it is that you want out of a relationship. Whether you created that relationship script  through something you saw on TV, with your parents, or your friends - you pretty much know what your ideal relationship looks like. That’s amazing and more than half the work! You have a big vision of who your soulmate is what life will be like. Your goal may be to get married, have kids, and live in a nice house with the white picket fence. HOWEVER, (no tea, no shade, no lemonde) that desire can make you so desperate to find “the one”  so that you can start living that dream, that you start dating anyone to fill the role. It stops being about the person in front of you and starts being about making the dream come true. That’s not fair to you or them. 

When you're too strong and focused on your wish dating list and just trying to fill the quota, it prevents you from appreciating what the person in front of you has going on, because you don't see them as an individual, just a body to fulfill your desires. The thing is though, just like some of us have done, if they are really feeling you, they’ll stop being who they are and start being who you want them to be. 

Like our own pasts have taught us, I’m sure you can guess that this won’t lead to a long lasting healthy relationship. Time will pass and before you know it, you’ll no longer be in that honeymoon phase of  a relationship and you’ll realize that this wish you made is just a farce. Once the genie is gone and you’re on your own, you’ll realize your relationship might have been a mistake. And some people say, “oh, that's hurtful, that's wrong, and that's that's fucked up.” But I say, that realization is great! Learn the lesson from Aladdin and tell the fucking truth. Tell your truth. Tell your truth about what it is that you're looking for, recognizing how badly you want to be in a relationship, and then open your eyes and your ears to the truth of what's in front of you. 

I want you to take a minute or two, think about the person you are trying to date (or are in a relationship with) and ask yourself:

• Who is the person you are dating? What do they like and dislike? What do you like about them?

• Do you want to be with them? What do you see regarding a future with them?

•  Are they someone who falls short of what you actually desire, but that you think you can mold to be who you want? 

• Do you like them as they are or the potential of who you could mold them to be?

If you really like or even love who you’re with, then good for you, I’m happy for you! But if you just realized that you might be wish dating them, then I have a few tips to help prevent this from happening again. 

1. Think about what it is that you actually want out of a relationship and not just the superficial things like their height, their hair, their physique because those things can change. I’m not saying settle on what you’re attracted to, I’m just saying don’t make that your priority as you reflect on what you want. Instead think about the essence of what it is that you're looking for.  Within the context of your relationship, what would it mean for you to be with someone that is compassionate? Kind? Ambitious? What does it look like in practice? What is it about those things that you want and how do you know that is going to work? Basically, what do you value and hope that a partner would also value?

This exercise makes me think about a Different World when Whitley said that she wanted a man who is educated, ambitious and enterprising. Dwayne seemed surprised that she did not ask for a rich man. And she told him that kind of man, an educated, enterprising and ambitious man, is never poor. (If you never seen that scene, make sure you find it on YouTube)

Whitley took the things that she values, figured out what it looks like within the context of a relationship and then decided that that was the thing she wanted to go for. 

Like Whitley, take the time to look at the values that you have as an individual and think about how those values would match up or look in a relationship? What values will your partner need to have to compliment you?

2.  Use your ears and your mouth in accordance to their number, we listen twice and we speak once. Listen to what your partner (or potential partner) has to say. Also try to listen for the things that they don't say because it will help you learn who this person is. By truly listening and getting to know a person for who they really are, you can determine if they have values that match up to anything that you've got going. 

3.Now that you've done your listening, it’s time to do your talking. Keeping what you want out of the relationship and how you want to feel in a relationship is a secret that doesn't need to be kept. Tell whoever you’re dating what you are looking for, because those who aren’t meant for you will simply eliminate themselves because they know they can’t or don’t want to give you what you need. And while it may hurt at the time, in the end you’ll be grateful that you didn’t spend weeks, months, or years with someone who wasn’t for you.

4. Finally, watch them. What folk say and what they do are not always aligned. Make sure that after you have listened to them, to get to know them, after you have told them what you are looking for, that you are also watching to be sure they are that person. 

By doing these 4 things, which can be easier said than done, you can set yourself up to find someone that is an actual fit, rather than spending your time working on someone who will never meet your expectations, no matter how hard you try to change them. 

Soundoff below. Have you ever found yourself wish dating?

Welcome to Annod Right blog. Your voice over for today is yours truly, Valery Whitfield. Please note that information in this in other blog posts are matter of research opinion. please direct your questions to questions @annodright.com, direct your comments to the comment section below, and share on social media using #AnnodRightSpeaks. FYI, content on this audio blog may be different on the written blog. 

So for this week's blog, we are screaming from the mountaintops, “It’s okay to Fuck up. It's part of the purpose” written by your girl, Valery Whitfield. 

“It’s okay to Fuck up. It's part of the purpose”

How does the idea of walking on eggshells, feeling paranoid, and taking forever to make a decision sound like to you? Exactly, sounds like anxiety!! To be successful, creative, innovative or anything more than average, you need to make room for error. The point in doing anything is to see if it's even going to work. That is why life is so interesting. Every outcome is uncertain. No matter how much you think you know. 

There are indecisive people in the world always analyzing every detail, because they're too scared to make a mistake. You like the idea of perfection. No error, which means no blame. Who hates that? Nobody likes to be that person that always screws up. But really, making mistakes are inevitable. Except if you don't do anything with yourself. Escaping error is essentially like driving in circles. As soon as you think you've reached perfection, a new set of problems arise, or better yet, you try to perfect something that was not even broken. Discontent arises and the fear of making a mistake wears you down. Why are we so fearful, you ask? A few reasons…

1. Negative thinking. You’ve reduced your expectations. And now you don't expect very much of yourself. 

2. Low self esteem. You lack confidence in yourself. And you just don't feel that you will meet the expectation of those who you respect, and those you want respect from. 

3. Uncertainty of the unknown. When you can't predict the future, you tend to just give up for fear of being labeled as a failure. Where does this fear come from? (food for thought) 

4. Not meeting someone else's expectations. Keywords: someone else’s. What do you expect of yourself? That's all you need to focus on. 

So now you've tried and you’ve failed. How do we move on? In a few easy steps. 

1. Don’t worry about perfection. Focus on completion. 

2. Action is better than outcome. 

3. Learn from your mistakes. Doing so helps you to choose a new path. 

4. Give yourself permission to start over. 

5. Follow your own path and do you!

Overall, set small attainable goals Sis. Start that business or whatever you see for yourself. Your mistakes, don't define you.

Source: Bustle

Y’all it’s one of my favorite months of the year...National Masturbation Month!! (My birthday month will always be #1) As a sex and relationship therapist who wants to see Black folk living their best (sex) life - I’m constantly talking about the importance of a little self love. But, when May comes around I dedicate my blog posts, social media, and EVERYTHING I’m doing, to not only encourage, but educate anyone who wants to learn about masturbation!

Between my clients, friends, and followers I’ve realized that there are a lot of folk out there who don’t know much about masturbation or are still carrying the terrorizing lies they heard from way back when. But hey, it’s okay to admit you don’t know a whole lot about it or that you have some questions. What better time to answer them than National Masturbation Month?!

Common Questions
Does masturbation really help with your health (mental, emotional, & physical)? 

Yes, yes, and yes! I’m sure that when you think of masturbation the main benefit that comes to mind is self-pleasure and orgasms. While that is a big benefit, masturbation does help with your health in other ways.

Physically - We hear all the time that masturbation can help relieve you of cramps when you’re on your period, improve your sleep, and help increase your sexual pleasure. BUT, what is a little less common is that masturbation can actually lower that blood pressure! Who doesn’t need that when Rona is running around getting our blood all up?

Emotionally - It can help you learn to love yourself and increase your self-esteem. It can also help you release toxic people from your life that you were holding onto because the sex was good. No need to keep them around when you know how to pleasure yourself.

Mentally - From a mental perspective, masturbating can help reduce your anxiety and stress because it releases feel good hormones like dopamine. It can also boost your mood when you’re feeling down.

Bonus: Mastubation also counts as meditation because it gives you something to focus on, which is also great for your mental health! So you get a twofer--Masturbation Month and Mental Health Awareness Month rolled into one sexy activity!

Is there something wrong if I don’t orgasm when I masturbate?

I wouldn’t say that something is wrong. Mastubation, like sex, is about a whole lot more than orgasms. My question for you is, do you feel fulfilled with what you’re doing? Does it bring pleasure? If not, then maybe whatever you’re doing isn’t really pleasuring you. Masturbating is a learning process, so don’t be afraid to switch it up. Whether that’s when you do it, where you do it, or how you do it.  

What are steps to learn how to masturbate?

To truly enjoy masturbating you must learn your body, and that can only be done by exploring it. One of my favorite resources is Afrosexology’s Solo Sex Workbook, which helps you “explore, affirm, and deepen your connection to your erotic self, erotic voice, and erotic power.” When you first start, I encourage you to take your time in figuring out what you like and don’t like. What areas of your body do you enjoy being touched? What type of touch? You don’t have to jump the gun and start with your vulva, penis, or anus. Take the time just to touch and feel your body.

As you figure out the answers to these questions, your knowledge base will grow and your experiences will continue to get better. 

MythBusters!

Myth: Vibrators can ruin sex 

This is complete BS! If anything a vibrator can help enhance and improve sex. Just like your fingers, a vibrator is just another tool to help you explore your body and figure what you do and don’t like. I mean, it’s kind of hard to have bomb sex if you don’t know what you like. There’s a whole lot of things you could be missing out on, just saying!

So I encourage you to embrace vibrators. Some of my favorites are vibrators that have various settings that affect the type of vibration you feel and the speed. So by the end of the night you might realize that you’re a fan of slow strokes or that you enjoy fast and frequent. 

Despite what you may have heard, you are not going to break your vagina, harm your clitoris, or mess up your sex drive by using vibrators too much. Just be sure that you know how to use one, load up on the lube, and be careful as you experiment with new toys or try one for the first time.

Remember that vibrators are also fun to use during partnered sex.

Myth: You shouldn't masturbate if you're in a relationship

It’s so weird how often this comes up, so much so that I just talked about it in my IGTV series If Therapy Walls Could Talk. I personally believe that you have the right to masturbate whether you’re in a relationship with you alone or boo’d up. Masturbation is about YOU, and wanting to please yourself, so why should it matter if you’re in a relationship or not?

Now, if you and your partner decide to set some boundaries around masturbation, that’s completely up to you. I just want you to remember that it is your body and no one can tell you what to do with it. If masturbating is important to you and your health, then make sure you find a partner who respects and accepts that.

Masturbation Suggestion: While I consider masturbation a great form of “me time,” I recommend you try a little mutual masturbation. Invite your partner to watch you masturbate (and vice versa) so they can see how you respond to different things. Trust me, they’ll be taking mental notes! 

Myth: You can masturbate too much

Nope! The same way you can’t damage your vagina or anus by using sex toys (if you’re careful), there’s no such thing as masturbating too much. You can masturbate as often as you like. Now, I will say this, you might--could have a problem if you can’t seem to stop for work, or other activities. But, if that’s not the case, then get it in as much as you like!

I’m known for encouraging daily masturbation - especially during the month of May.

I hope you found this helpful! If I didn’t cover your question, feel free to drop them in the comments below. Also, I want to know what’s the craziest thing you were told about masturbating?

Source: https://news.berkeley.edu/2020/04/14/tips-for-couples-on-how-to-weather-covid-19-cabin-fever/

Relationships are hard enough without a pandemic, yet here we are in the midst of COVID. Some of you are sheltering in place with your partner and some of you are sheltering in place without your partner(s). While you may feel one scenario is better than the other, I'm here to tell you neither one of them are all that rosy. Whether you’re in a relationship or not you're not allowed to leave your space in the way that you normally would, to do the things that you do for yourself or the things that help replenish your relationships.

One thing that I have been remiss to talk about during this entire pandemic is that there seems to be such a beautiful focus on the physical health and safety of everyone, and I'm not saying that that's not an important thing to strive for, but somewhere in there the sexual and mental health components get lost. No one seems to be checking for them. We're not talking about them. We're not doing everything that we can to make sure that we're not just keeping our bodies safe, but also to make sure that we're keeping our minds and emotions safe. This has been rather problematic for me for multiple reasons with the main one being that I'm wondering how people are going to come out of quarantine when their mental health has not been taken into account.

So let's talk about the relationships while quarainted because this impacts the mental, the physical, and sexual health. (And that's what this post really is about.). 

Quarantined While Single

The challenge with being single is that it can be so much harder to try and meet someone while being quarantined or to be quarantined by yourself and not necessarily be in a romantic relationship. So, one of my suggestions and something I've seen more people doing a great of, is dating online. I mean if now is not the time to shoot your shot, then when is?

People are more responsive than they have ever been because they're not as preoccupied and if you are in the space where you do want to date, I think that there is so much to be gained by trying out a few online apps.

Now granted you can't meet the person out in public because, you don't know if they got that VID and they're going to give it to you. But, being able to talk to somebody, to engage with them, to get to know them ,and their social media (because sometimes the social media tells a story that their lips will ) is a great way to start engaging and dating. Don't be afraid to slide into those DMs and  spark a conversation, or doing a video chat.

I know that for those of us who have been known to break out our wallets on first dates, this will also be of a beautiful relief because there is no money needed, unless you want to do something cute like send them some food using Ubereats.

Quarantined Away From Lovers

Now, for my folks who are quarantined away from their lovers, I know that this time is hard for you. We don't really know the next time that we're gonna be able to freely move about the cabin and get to connect physically with the people in our lives, specifically our partners. And I do believe that there has been a gross misunderstanding of how necessary touch is, especially when that touch is loving and caring.

Skin hunger is real but not being acknowledged. So how do you contend with skin hunger when you are quarantined alone? You have to be okay with touching yourself. No, I don't mean masturbation, though, you know I'm never against it either. But I mean touching yourselves like giving yourself a hug, finding a space and a way to give yourself that weight of comfort so you can feel loved, cared for, and touched. There are some ways you can do this when there are no other people around that some people have found to be rather effective. And I'm just going to take this cue from Dr. Zelaika Hepworth Clarke.

Zelaika talks specifically about expanding the concept of what it means to be hugged. She talks about how sitting in the tub with the weight of water can feel hug like. That using a weighted blanket can also add the pressure and feel that we get when we are being hugged and how these are ways that we can imagine a hug when we need one. You can also hug a pillow or wrap yourself tightly in your blankets to contend with the fact that you are not in a space to be touched by someone else.

A Masturbation Moment

Now I know I said this wasn't about masturbation, but let's take it there. This coronacation is a time for bodily exploration, self-love and figuring out how we can give ourselves pleasure should be very much a part of the conversation. Pleasure is great for your mental and sexual health, it is great for how you may be able to connect with others when we are allowed to go back outside. So it should not be taken lightly or as if it's something that doesn't need to be done or something that is wrong to do. During your free time do a little online shopping for those toys you've been considering. For those with penises, pussy pocket is a great way to go or for those with with clitorises and vaginas, I suggest dildos and vibrators, and for anyone with an anus, go ahead and get a butt plug. These things will help to enhance the pleasure that you can give yourself and they should be a part of the repertoire for how you experience pleasure while you are at home.

Quarantined With Partners

For those of us who are quarantined with partners, this shit does not exactly get easier for you.

You may be recognizing that the relationship you thought you had is not the one that you actually have. You may be realizing that your relationship relies a lot on being away from each other and not being not being in a space together constantly. Some people are making erroneous assumptions that just because you don't always want to be laid up under your partner, that something is wrong with your partnership, it's not. The way that we experience our relationships is wholly unique to us, and if you are a person who is currently quarantined with your partner and y'all don't usually spend this much time together, it is  a learning curve.It is a different space to be in, and it desires and requires giving yourself and your partner some level of grace. What does that mean?

Grace and practice can look like asking yourself "how can we how can we separate together?" How big is the space that you're in? If you are in a two floor space, can you say, you know, today I must spend my time upstairs? I would like for you to spend your time downstairs so we can have some of that separate togetherness.

My partner and I have taken to not only being on different floors, but when we do want to have some connection that doesn't involve being in each other's physical presence we are using Facetime. Yes, we Facetime even if we're rooms apart! This is so  we can play games together, see each other, and laugh while also allowing each other to be in a space of our own. By doing this we can still be connected in a way that I miss when there's some level of apartness.

Taking the time to articulate what it is that you need especially if you don't want to get into the space where you're cussing each other out or  having experiences that you really don't want to be having is an important piece to maintaining a healthy relationship.And I think that that piece deserves attention and respect. So what can you do?

1. Check in with YOU

Make sure that you are recognizing what your feelings and emotions are and where you are experiencing them in your body. Sometimes you don't know what the emotion is, but you do know what you are experiencing on your body. I recommend getting this body map, which is done by a therapist aide, grab your coloring pencils, your markers, or whatever implements you use for coloring and shading in the part of the body of what it is you feel when you're happy, sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated.

Whatever emotions come up for you, make sure that you are figuring out exactly where in the body that you're experiencing them. Because sometimes we recognize what's going on in our body before we recognize what's going on emotionally. So being able to connect those emotions to what's going on in our body is essential.

2. Have Your Partner Do the Same

After you've taken the time to connect your mind, emotions, and your body, have your partner do the same. It is hard to have a one sided conversation with someone if they do not understand what is going on with them. Encourage them to do the body map too, so when you come back together, you can both speak to what is key. I would also say this is a great time to go ahead and get a copy of Afro Sexologist's workbook, Solo Sex, because solo sex also gives you a space to be able to map out pleasure in the body so that you can also figure out when you would like to engage that way. Some of the things that we've been doing as individuals can still be done in a space where we are in constant togetherness. 

3. Communicate Your Needs 

Before communicating your needs, I want you to recognize that your needs may look very different now because being in a pandemic is not always a space where you feel like you have a lot to give to someone else. It might be a moment where you are actually in need of something and being able to articulate to your partner what it is that you want and need while also being able to say that you do or do not have the capacity to do what your partner needs is important. It's okay to ask if you can check in later. I’m sure your partner would be more understanding of you letting them know that you are not in a space to provide what they need rather than ignoring them.

Being quarantined is hard y’all but you definitely can make it through! Sound off below, what is your coronacation looking like and how are you dealing with it regarding your relationships?

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Now, back in the day before Rona, also known as Coronavirus, there was a time where you would take vacations. You remember don’t you? 

 You were one of those people that could not wait to be on a plane. Seemed like your suitcase was always packed and your passport stayed on your night stand. You would tell  people that you just had wanderlust and could not sit still. You wanted to be everywhere and be doing everything including exploring the world. Am I right? And if you weren’t traveling, was it not constantly on your mind? Now, while your friends and family might think you’re just living your best life, the therapist in me often wonders whether or not that’s actually true. I can’t help but question whether or not you really have wanderlust or you are just wandering lost because you’re lost in your everyday life. So I want to take the time to tell you that if you are running away from a problem, like

• you hate your job

• problems with your partner or spouse (more than an occasional argument)

•  you don't like your home situation

and the first thought you have is “Let me go buy a ticket so I can get gone somewhere and experience something new,”  you are not taking a vacation. You are running. So that vacation is not actually self-care, no matter how much you try to convince yourself.

 When people talk about self-care, they often talk about the bigger lofty pieces of it. They talk about the hundred dollar facials or massages. They talk about bubble baths, and other fancy things, but they don't talk about the mundane and sometimes difficult pieces of self-care. As you know, I'm a therapist in the Washington, D.C. area and I'm often meeting with people who travel for a multitude of reasons. One of the major reasons that keeps coming up in my sessions is people are trying to get away from whatever is going on at home. They tell me the sex is not great with their with their partner, their communication is off, and they just they don't feel comfortable being at home, so they leave. Or even if they take their partner with them on this vacation, they’re going together because they think that they’re going to find the sexiness that they lost in a hotel room rather than their actual house. The thing is, it can work. You can go on vacation and have decent, better, or even wonderful sex, but when you come home, you still can't perform because there's been no work done to solve the problems at home.

 I hear the same thing with my single clients. They are using up all those vacation days because they’re frustrated about various things going on in their lives. They’re tired of being alone in the house, they’re having problems with some of their friends, so their first thought is,

 "You know what? I just have wanderlust. I just need to go on a vacation."

 And I’m telling you like I tell them, that's not a true vacation. What I really hear you saying is that you want to run. When you running from something, your vacation will never be the self-care you run to. Sometimes self-care is confronting the issues that we have in our life and addressing them so that we are not having to run away. Now, there are going to be some things that are completely out of your control, but here are 3 things that you can do to make sure that when you do take a vacation, it's because you are really trying to vacate, not because you are temporarily running away from your reality.

 

1. Check Yourself

 Check in about what's going on with you. What emotions do you experience right before you decide you need a vacation. What made you decide it was time?  Is something hard at work? Is something hard at home? Taking the time to evaluate what the thing is will help you to determine what you can do to face it head on.

2. Address Your Issues

 After you have done the evaluation work to figure out what is actually going on and what happens to you right before you decide that you need a vacation, ask yourself “what are some things that I can do to address that issue head on?”

 For example, if you have an issue at work and your boss is a jackass, instead of running away for a week, what about telling them that they are a jackass? (In corporate terms of course, because you’re not going to lose your job and blame it on me!) Or if it’s something going on with your partner or your spouse, like your communication is off, is there something else you could be doing that is a lot cheaper than a vacation and more helpful? Is therapy what you actually need?

 

3. Take Action

 After you have evaluated and come up with a plan of action, NOW is the time to take it. This is the time to look at the problems you identified and solve them, so you make sure that you are building a life that you don't have to escape from. The next time you take a vacation, you'll be running TO something and not FROM something. While you may still end up in the same destination, I need you to know that the result will be different. The intention between running away and running to is different and it can make your vacation impact you differently. 

Once you’ve addressed your issues and are living your best life, when it’s time to lay on the beach you are going to actually enjoy the experience at peace instead of dreading the idea of going home.

BTW: I know you are home right now cuz Rona got you grounded. Why not use the time to work on your inner shit and address things with your partner--in person, if you live together, or via Facetime if you are social distancing.

 

So let's evaluate, is that vacation you have planned after Rona really a vacation or nah?