Blog - Dr. Donna Oriowo, Sex Therapist

Here are some of the links for things mentioned in the episode…or that should have been.

1. Erin Tillman The Dating Advice Girl, is an inclusive Dating Coach and Certified NLP Practitioner dedicated to empowering ALL SINGLES IN ALL LIFESTYLES to have happy, healthy, and enjoyable dating lives that best suit their dating & relationship wants, needs, and objectives. She is also the fabulous author of The Consent Guidebook, which I reviewed last week. If you want to check out that audioblog, click here.

2. Want to get on Dr. Oriowo’s schedule but aren’t sure if you’d fit for therapy or coaching? Get on the calendar for a 30 minute consult call (the cost is applied to your first session!)

3. Subscribe to blog here!

Several things were mentioned in this episode. Let’s break them down one by one, shall we?

1. You can subscribe to the blog here which is step one in being able to WIN and FREE copy of the Consent Guidebook by Erin Tillman!

2. You can give your comment here, which is the last step you need for your chance to be entered to win!

3. If you found yourself interested in the keynote White Unless Otherwise Specified Colorblind Sexuality In a World Of Living Color, you can watch it by clicking the title (don’t worry, it is free)

4. Hate contests and just want to purchase your copy of the consent guidebook? You can purchase it here in the “Turn the Page Review” section of the Annodright Amazon affiliate page (it doesn’t cost you extra, but helps to fund what I do here).

Photo by Anthony Notes on Unsplash

It is #minoritymentalhealthmonth! Last week, I wrote about the value that can be added to your life by minding your business. I know some people may have felt some type of way about that, but I invite you to examine why, before you slide into my DMs because you are upset. Anyway, this week, going on in that same vein, I want to speak more about respectability politics.

Politics of respectability is a phrase that was coined by Evelyn Higgenbotham in 1993. The idea here, is that one monitors and presents oneself in an acceptable, pure, chaste, respectable, albeit Eurocentric, way. The goal in presenting oneself in this way is to ensure that the discrimination that is otherwise received due to sex or skin color is mitigated by being the height of respectable, which is not only not expected from people of color, but also is in opposition to what is believed and taken as universal truths. My understanding, from Tracie Gilbert, is that politics of respectability was a strategy used during the civil rights era to ensure that white people could not denigrate Black people because of the way they dressed, the way they behave sexually, the way they behaved in public, etc. Basically, you act just like white folk, but have darker skin. You wanted to be so much at the tip top of your Eurocentric performing game, that any blowback you received as far as police brutality, discrimination, or racism was seen as a direct result of white people being racist and being discriminatory, and in no way being a reflection of you, your presentation, and/or your character.

Respectability politics are not currently being used as a political strategy today. They are mostly used to shame people for not behaving how dominant others want them to act. Bill Cosby’s whole Pound Cake Speech, for example, was to blame Black folk for racism because of how kids names are given, how we dress, etc...sounds like racism to me, but eh! However, there are lots of people, regardless of race, who believe that somehow people are less than because of how they dress, do their hair, how vocal and boistrus they may be in public spaces, etc. If they “look” or “act” Black (whatever that means) there is something wrong with them. Well, at least until someone in the dominant culture (i.e. white) says that something is okay or acceptable. Need I remind you of “boxer braids,” Kim K’s butt, Angelina’s lips, or the “discovery” of cocoa butter, shea butter, and coconut oil? But, I digress.  

Oftentimes, I would say that many of us don't even recognize that we adhere to any levels of respectability politics. Why? Because we often go through life on autopilot. We are not fully present or engaged in our multitasking lives. Though respectability politics may have once been a strategy to get by, it is now something that is talked about when we try to police someone for being who they are in all their glory. Last week, we spoke about the benefits of minding your business and how what we are truly doing is policing one another to be who we expect someone who is respectable to be.

On an individual level we police ourselves. We admonish ourselves for our behavior. Correcting ourselves for being too loud, changing our clothes because it’s too “urban,” or not “work appropriate.” Trying to tame our hair because it is too wild and not work appropriate. We tame our language, change our walks, switch up our vernacular, and otherwise make ourseles smaller to the point of disappearing. It is never something that can be kept up for long periods of time. That’s why so many researches have all kinds of names for it Jones and Shorter-Goodman called it “shifting,” others call it code switching. It’s how we learn to change ourselves to adhere to the dominant culture. It can make us not only feel smaller, but lead to a certain level of anxiety. You are literally (purposefully or not) changing up how you present in order to make others comfortable. In order to fit in and be seen as someone who is worthy and worthwhile. If constantly worrying about how you are being perceived isn’t anxiety and even panic attack provoking, then I don’t know what is. (I am a therapist, so I am gonna go out on a limb and say that I do.) The act of constantly taming and making yourself smaller can make going to work or even leaving your house feel daunting and even more exhausting that doing the work itself.

But we take that exhaustion and anxiety and get snippy and down right mean. We are now looking at others in all their glorious freedom and want to cage them the way we feel caged, not only the cages we give ourselves, but the ones that are foisted upon us because to survive and thrive, you often have to forget who you are and be who is acceptable. Sometimes we cage others out of love and want for them to do better than we have done. To be able to achieve more because they are better able to traverse white spaces. But really, we are giving people a life of being exhausted because they have to act in socially “acceptable” which basically mean diminishing ourselves in favor of whiteness. We long to be the melting pot, to erase all the things that make us individuals, and different, and interesting, and fun, in favor of being a monolith.

While writing this, I found this TedTalk on the very subject. Check it out here

Now, you know that I am a sex and relationship therapist. As such, I also want to make sure that we talk about sexualized respectability politics. As has already been said, white people have been made the stick by which all others are measured. This is not just with how you behave in public, per se, but also how you behave behind closed doors. Though, maybe you have already noticed in your daily life or in other situations. One of the first things we want to do when a woman, especially a woman of color has hurt someone’s feelings is call her a “hoe,” or otherwise say something is wrong with her sexually. The respectability politics in sexuality are usually based in how someone looks-- including how attractive they are, the size of their body, the clothes they wear, etc. A person may feel threatened by how free someone else is in what they wear or how they behave. This is based in respectability politics and in turn is based in racism.

In the case of Black people, the stereotypes often given have to do with increased sexual prowess to the point where men are insatiable sex horses from whom white women must be protected, while Black women are sexually insatiable creatures who cannot be raped. Basically, saying that the sexuality possessed is base and “animalistic.”

The use of politics of respectability in this context would require Black people to be sexually chaste. Well, this would be more for Black women. They will need to present themselves as being sexually pure and chaste. Black men, are still men, and men are still seen as being sexual beings, with the right to express that sexuality however they please. However, Black men have to walk an even more fine line in still being presented as sexual beings while at the same time being seen as non-threatening, safe.

Regardless, politics of respectability and the subsequent need to shift or code switch don’t help us to appreciate diversity and what someone brings to the table. We are working so hard at being homogeneous that we find it difficult to appreciate what makes someone different, bold, or refreshing. Funnily enough, we might appreciate it at first, but then in our “love” for it, we then try to cage what we once found to be so beautiful. Almost like we want to own it or keep it to ourselves and not allow others to breathe in the free glory of it all. Or worse, we want to stifle it because we cannot fathom being as free ourselves. With regard to mental health, constantly shifting who you are and trying to adhere to the respectability politics instead of being all of who you are, can make you feel paranoid, like you are not yourself, and exhausted. It can lead to feelings and symptoms of anxiety, depression, and being discontent or feeling stuck.

When everyone is trying to put on a front to be less than who they are so that white people can be more comfortable with them, what ends up happening on a community level is that we are constantly policing each other. On a global level, we become stifling and unable to accept how diverse we are, even within groups--I mean how many times has someone doubted your blackness? Said something you do is not authentically Black like your hate of Mac n’ cheese makes you an anomaly? It is not enough that we can be limited by the very nature of dealing with white supremacy or the stereotypes that are foisted on us, we must also bring that within the community. And I get it! There are still those who believe that if we were to dress, present, speak, act, and overall be a certain way, that we would earn the respect of those in power while at the same time being able to protect black bodies. It sounds like a good deal, you get to maybe get the job, make a little bit more money, while protecting yourself from state-sanctioned police brutality. But when has it ever worked that way? And is not the mental health burden enough reason to stop? Many of us don’t know who we are without these politics in place. We have defined ourselves in the context of whiteness, whether in opposition to or in favor of.

1. Recognize and identify if you change yourself according to where and who you are with.

2. Recognize and identify if you try to police others, and the origins of the policing

3. Consider, who are you when you are completely alone, with family, with friends

4. Consider, if there is a difference between the various versions of yourself and if it feels comfortable for you to be “different” based on where you are and who you are with.

5. Choose a route that honors who you are and what you want. There is no need to change if you are comfortable. I just want you to consider if you feel like you diminish who you are to make others comfortable, what purpose it serves, and if it is something you feel comfortable doing. This way, not only do you recognize who you are, even in the face of respectability politics,but you are actually making a choice on if/when you want to continue to present in that way. This makes it about you and your conscious choice and less a reactionary reflex. This is the act of knowing yourself as an individual and not only within the context of whiteness.

Subscribe to blog here!

As always, you can work with me. Check out the service page to see how we can work together. Or check out the speaker page to have me come to your school, organization, conference, etc. 

The book by Jones and Shorter Goodman is called: Shifting, and can be found in the "Black Beauty" section of the AnnodRight Amazon Page (you can find other book recommendations there too!

The episode explores the dentition and ways to mind your business as an exercise in reflection.

Photo by Daniel McCullough on Unsplash

I remember my time like it was yesterday. I was a sophomore in college, attending my school’s all nighter. I was super excited and went to meet my boyfriend for a night of dancing and fun. As I was cuddled up with my boyfriend, during a slow song, someone smacked me on the behind and kept walking. I immediately left my boyfriend’s arms to confront the person who did it, when he stopped walking and met up with his friends, I realized the anger I felt was laughed at by 6 big men, over 6’2, waiting for me “to say something.” I don’t know what would have happened to me if my boyfriend didn’t drag me to the car.

The same feelings of humiliation, anger, and even rage that came over me that night were the same when I heard about Shana Fisher. It was the same rush of emotions when I realized that the world must hate women and the realization that our culture is complicit.

Shana Fisher was one of the 16 year victims in the most recent Sante Fe shooting. Shana’s mother indicated that she publicly rejected killer, Dimitrios Pagourtzis just days before the attack. Shana’s mother said that Pagourtzis had been increasingly aggressive until her daughter stood up to him, “embarrassing” him in class.

"A week later he opens fire on everyone he didn't like," she said.

It’s no surprise that when Shana’s story came out, I received a flood of texts from friends about their own stories and each of those women expressed “that could have been me.” In our texting conversations, we collectively realized that we are Shana. These text conversations revealed our sadness for the life lost, but what came out was our own trauma knowing that it could have been us. I realized that any one of my teen students could’ve been Shana and I was enraged.

How do women all around the world, with different lives and backgrounds, have the same experience if violence against women was not somehow ingrained in our culture? In misogyny?

While we were all reeling from Shana’s story and well as the heartache for all the lives lost to senseless gun violence, we learned about another woman’s death. Last week, Chinyere Ebere, was stabbed by a man when she rejected his advances and again “embarrassed” him. The list of assaults on our humanity goes on and on, and I’m sure we can name a few off the top of our heads. Shana and Chineye’s story was the last straw for me.

I’m tired of nicely rejecting advances;

I’m tired of telling men “I’m married and engaging in a discourse about “having friends”;

I’m tired of the groping at the bars;

I’m tired of the hands on my hips when a man needs to scoot past me in a crowded room;

I’m tired of the elbow grabs for my attention when I’m trying to get to work;

I’m tired of the devaluing stares while walking into work;

I’m tired of purposefully tightening my jaw, as not to appear too “welcoming”;

I’m tired of the hollering from cars in public;

I’m tired of the random “can I get a hug” from strangers in dark parking lots; 

and I’m especially tired of “hearing the other sides” on all the reasons why I need to “ease up”. 

Instead of an apology, instead of hearing that what you are actually doing is indeed scary to me, I get told, “I was just trying to get your attention. I just wanted to let you know you were beautiful”.

A violent hurt ego is what cost Shana her life, and I’ve seen so many comment sections whereby women are told that we could “be nicer” in our rejection techniques or “why couldn’t she just accept that he liked her?”

You don’t get the point.

I’m honestly tired of having to explain.

This is a men’s issue. 

Women are not placed in the world to fend off advances, nor do we exist in the world to respond to men’s beck and call when they decide that we’re worthy of their time. I refuse to live in a world where I have to operate based on fear. I refuse to bring daughters into a world where she can’t be safe walking down the street without violent hurt egos all around her, waiting to blame her because she isn’t "nice enough," didn’t have on the "proper" outfit, or a wide enough smile.

So many women in my life have become so accustomed to street harassment and sexual assault in public places that we’ve become quiet. Quiet for our safety and quiet because we’ve run out of options. We also know that we live in a culture where we are hated. We are seen people who lie about or aggrandize our experiences. Where and who do we turn when this is our everyday experience?

1.     Call each other out. Do you have a friend making inappropriate jokes? Humiliating a woman while walking down the street? Taping/taking pictures of someone without their consent? Repeatedly asking a woman for her number?

Stop standing there. Stop being silent. Say something. Name the behavior, state why it’s not okay, and tell him to stop. Men are clearly not having this conversation enough, so when you do bring it up. Talk about your friend’s actions.

2. Be an active bystander. If you see harassment occurring and you don’t know either party, create a distraction by asking for the time or direction. Check on the person being harassed by asking if they are ok or if they need help.

3. Report it. Groping, indecent exposure, stalking, and assault, are illegal in some states. If it’s happening on public transportation, you can report to a bus driver, police, or employee. The point is to say something.

As a person who can only imagine what it was like for Shana and Chinyere in their last moments, I imagine what could have gone differently in their killer’s lives. What can we do to avoid these deaths? How can we encourage a culture where we stop coddling men’s feelings and men handle their masculinity in a productive manner?

We are asking for accomplices in this work. Hell, we are asking for men to their work. We are asking you to speak up. We cannot do this on our own.

Vanessa Geffrard

is the passionate founder of VagEsteem™. As a health educator, Vanessa manages and implements middle school programming, adults trainings, and community workshops. She also trains and educates adults, parents, and community groups around sexual health topics.

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Photo by Kyle Loftus on Unsplash

This week has been a bit of a brain to mouth week for me. What that means in that some of the posts from the AnnodRight Instagram page have literally been things that went from being in my brain to being posted with little to no time for consideration of impact. However, what I found is that the message is the same. We need to work on setting our expectations around sex and relationships and then making sure others are aware of these boundaries.

Part of setting sexpectations (expectations around sex) and boundaries in the nature of any relationship, is first knowing your own list. What are the things that you are okay with and the things that you are not? There are stereotypes that talk about how certain people will act based on their race, sex/gender, and upbringing. Knowing what those stereotypes are can be super important in being able to determine if you have been acting according or contrary to the expectations other have on your sexuality. Stereotypically speaking, some of the major ones are that Black women are sexually promiscuous-- though this is also based in looks. The Jezebel with her Eurocentric features is lavacious and cannot help her sexuality which borders on being masculine. The Mammy is asexualized because of her features which are phenotypically African, as well as because she has a large body and we have decided people who are fat are sexually undesirable. The Sapphire is the one of the last major archetypes of Black female sexuality and is interested in sex, but often emasculating to men, so none of them will wait around after the sex is done. On the other hand, you have white female sexuality, which has been displayed as the paradigm of purity, though blonde women have the stereotype of being the ditzy party girl. Latinx women are “spicy,” wonton, and passionate. Asians (almost always grouped together) are the exotic geisha’s willing to fulfill every sexual desire. The thing is though, these stereotypes make a person one dimensional and take away levels of autonomy. In terms of African American women, I have seen many in my private practice who  have done a great job of either adhering to the stereotypes laid before them or else going completely in the opposite way as a way to “reclaim” their sexuality. Not wanting to be seen as some typical Negro (the way it has been defined by other), but at the same time, there is a failure to decide and define for oneself. It’s no wonder that people aren’t having the sex or relationships they want. They really do not know!

Knowing yourself is the first step in being able to set your sexpectations both in and outside of relationships. What are you willing to do romantically-- holding hands, kissing, date nights, Netflix and Chill? What are you willing to do sexually--more kissing, upper body exploration, masturbation, giving oral, receiving oral, vaginal, anal, etc? What areas of your body are off limits--knees, feet, hair? These are all part of knowing yourself. What are the things you are willing to do outside of a relationship and what are RELATIONSHIP ONLY activities? If Janet Jackson can make herself clear in a whole song, I know that you can make yourself clear, too! I believe in you and your ability to communicate, even if you can’t sing quite like Janet...Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.

After you have been able to establish what your boundaries are, there is still more work to be done. Keeping that information to yourself will be the opposite of helpful. Having boundaries that no one knows about is a surefire way to make sure they are always being violated. Don’t get me wrong, just because you have boundaries doesn’t mean that everyone will respect them. What I am saying is that people are sure NOT to respect boundaries that they have not been made aware of.

Brandy sang “IF you put it down right, like the way I want it, play your cards right, MAYBE we can fall in love” If that is not a full display of the expectations and then communication of it, I don’t know what is! The only part I feel is missing from this is also letting someone know HOW they can please you sexually. But that’s why we are talking about sexpectations. Don’t worry, I have your back and a small download for you so that you and anyone you want to be intimate with are on the same page about what that looks like. Let’s reduce anxiety together!

You have created your boundaries and the question that can often be asked here is how do I communicate them. The way you say it is both with your body and with your mouth. When something makes you uncomfortable, it can be second nature to smile or laugh your way out of it. But this can make people think you are perfectly okay with it. It may take some time to get out of that habit but that doesn't mean you can’t let people know what’s going on even in that moment. If you find yourself laughing when you don’t think anything is funny, say so. Tell the person (or people) you are with that really you are laughing because you feel uncomfortable with___________. Fill in the blank with whatever the situation is.

Another way to communicate is to tell someone that you like it when they do __________. Fill in the blank again! Positive reinforcement is no joke. It works for kids and adults alike. People like to be told what they are doing well and when you tell someone what you like that they're doing, they will try to give you more of it. Conversely, you must be clear if your boundaries are violated. Tell the person outright that something they did or said doesn’t work for you, how it makes you feel, and what you would like instead. Using ‘I messages” makes it easier for people to hear you, and giving them a replacement behavior for the one they did that made you uncomfortable can take the guesswork out of how they are allowed to proceed with you.

We have already started to go over a bit of what you can do when you feel like your boundaries are being violated. Communicating it is definitely one the major steps. But more than that is what you do if someone repeatedly violates your boundaries which have already been communicated to them several times. I would say this is really up to you. You can either accept their behavior, whatever it is, or you can let them know you are chucking the deuces until they can get some act right. You are NOT required to accept someone's behaviors which continually violate your boundaries. You do NOT have to suffer their presence any more than is absolutely necessary. The gift of your time, is just that, a gift. Time is one commodity in life you cannot get back, purchase, bargain for, or otherwise. No one knows the moment that they will pass from this world. So, NO, you do not have to put up with someone who cannot respect your boundaries. On the other hand, if you are willing, that is also your prerogative, but know that you are communicating that your boundaries are malleable. But I would ask why you are putting yourself through the mental strain to be with a person doesn’t want to meet the expectations you have set?

1. Listen to Janet and Brandy! Establish your expectations, independently of others. This is a know thyself reflection thing.

   1. What are the stereotypes that people have used to define who you are? Do you agree with those stereotypes? How might you have been reinforcing them? Have you been living for you or for someone else? How do you want things to look? And how can you change your mindset and behaviors to meet that?

2. Set your expectations in the various relationships you have with those around you

3. Communicate those boundaries in ways that feel natural to you and maybe in some ways that feel unnatural

4. Drop people like a bad habit if they continually violate those boundaries OR keep them on and prepare yourself mentally for the drain it could have

For those of you who have some sexpectations you want to establish, here is a Yes, No, Maybe list to use on your journey. Don’t worry, it’s free!

For this 3rd Friday’s Turn the Page, I have decided to challenge myself and read the book Barracoon: The Story of the Last Black Cargo by Zora Neale Hurston. I am calling this journey challenging because as some of you know, this book was meant to be published a long time ago, but was not because no one wanted to read about the slave experience of a man who would implicate the people in Africa. It was thought to be a book which could tarnish the integrity of the movement. Which, even now, I would understand. To tell this story aloud, is to have some who were directly involved, or their ancestors, or white people who feel resentful of the history of slavery--mostly as it relates to talking about white privilege and such, to feel vindicated in what occurred because African people were complicit.

At the time of this writing, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have completed suicide. Now we are a nation of people asking “why.” Why would two such successful, rich people, with many things going well in their lives kill themselves? Some people are no doubt labeling them god-less people, saying they are selfish, stupid, or something else altogether. Imagine, some of these are the same people, who in watching the Black Panther gave praise to Killmonger for saying that death was better than bondage, while not acknowledging that this can still be the case for others. Just because you cannot see the chains, doesn't mean they aren’t there. Even with “everything” at your fingertips, it doesn’t mean that you don’t still suffer*. And surely it doesn't mean that you have balance. Cudjo said “When you hungry it is painful but when de belly too full it painful too.” In my reflection on this book and on mental health it makes me think about the need for balance and how it is often lacking and leads to pain.

This story brought up a great deal for me. As a Nigerian American, as a therapist, as a person who loves books, as a person who loves the land from which her family and ancestors hail and as a person who loves the land she is on. Both of which have more than their fair share of problems. Both of which have such a lacking in balance that it is almost painful to even think about. In reading this book, there were many feelings. What makes this story challenging for me is that I am Nigerian American. I am both and nothing in the eyes of many. I belong both to the sellers and the sold. And I belong to no one at all. A Nigerian born on American soil can be considered to be as lost to home as those born here with no indication from whence they came. Anyway, at the beginning, of course I am getting used to the style of writing. When you generally read contemporary writings, it can be hard to make the shift. Hurston states that the style of writing she employed was to basically use Kossola (Cudjo’s) own words and style of speaking. I thought that brought a certain level of integrity to the work. It also made it a lot easier to know where his thoughts were and where hers were interwoven. Balance.

It has been decided by many that there can be no fairness when telling the stories of slavery. Kanye, referred to slavery as a choice. Now, while I don’t agree with what he had to say about it in the context that he was speaking, I do believe there was a choice involved. There was the choice of some white people to dehumanize Africans for the sake of financial gain (and to lessen cognitive dissonance for themselves). And there was also the choice of some of the kings, or chiefs to also gain wealth (and notoriety?) through the selling of those captured from other tribes. For me, if there is choice, that is where the choice lies. It lies in the decision to be wealthy or comfortable at the expense of others. When we have decided the world will be based on those who have and those who don’t, when we create systems that allow some people to feel inferior to others while some of those needs, basic and beyond, don’t get met, we have suffered people to have some level of ill will in their hearts. But really, more than just the money aspects are out of sync. Nature, many people’s work and home lives, and the way people are (mis)treated according to their race, sex, or so-called “legal” status is out of balance.

But at least this book had balance. Aside from the obvious, of giving life to the African prior to them being slaves (and using that as the starting point of Black life within textbooks and the like), there is also balance with Hurston’s interactions with Cudjo, how often she uses his African name versus the American one. Even in the report of how Zora Neale Hurston got this story from Cudjo is with some level of balance. Were there stumbling blocks, yes, of course, but she corrected and moved forward with the knowledge. Her need/want for the story was not so great that she wanted to tramp on Cudjo to get it. Cudjo’s want and need to tell the story was not so great that he would trample on the past and elevate himself or others in the process. He explained what he knew and what he remembered in an honest way. Here in America, we (Black folks) like to go with the narrative that in Africa we were all kings and queens. We want to claim all that was on the continent of Africa while denying our Africanness at the same time. Wanting to be closer to an identification of roots while denying the very humanity of those on African soil. We speak of Africa, the country and loose sight that Africa, the continent is many varied. Even more than variety being on the continent, this story lets us know that even within the same regions that there are different tribes with various traditions. I already told y'all I’m Nigerian American. More specifically though, I am Yoruba. Anyone that knows something about Naija people, know that historically, Yorubas, Igbos, and Hausa people don’t get along well. There are long histories of hurt and “stealing of traditions.” So, all of us are the descendants of kings, queens, and chiefs? Das Cute. Some people were kings and queens and chiefs, etc. Many were not. Cudjo told this story with balance and truth, even though it is colored with hurt.

Cudjo’s life, to me was unbalanced (not from his own doing) with death and tragedy. From seeing the massacre of his people while at home, to being a slave, to then being freed had having to watch the building and then destruction of his family, one member at a time. Tragedy struck over and over. However, he managed to have balance and voice, just the same. Some semblance of balance to me is being able to speak plainly about what you need in any moment and not be apologetic for it. Cudjo, throughout the book, can be read telling Hurston to leave, with no preamble. Because in a world where respect for self and others is that which holds balance, saying No is a complete sentence that requires nothing else, is balance.

Balance dictates that “as above, so below,” sort of mentality. But many of us are out of balance. Being out of balance is almost seen as a natural thing. We work ourselves to the bone. We don’t know how to take rest. We are so caught up in living for others, we often forget to evaluate what we want for ourselves. We are people who have become used to being out of balance. The more the scale tips, the less we notice. We don’t notice until another tragedy strikes. The deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain woke up a lot of people to the idea that there may be something toxic about the American culture.  Trying to re-achieve balance will also be important to reaching a certain level of peace. For us the imbalance in daily life is a combination of dead bodies, imprisoned children, wealth disparities, unfair treatment, redlining, sexism, racism, etc. Debt, despair, and death is on a constant loop. Then there are those who would shame others for seeking out laughter through entertainment. Because you can’t be woke and enjoy something? Because your lot in life is to ONLY be inundated with the daily tragedies of life? That is not balance. What is amazing to me about this story is how a man whose life has been rife with sorrow and tragedy managed to have some semblance of balance.

At this point, you and I both know that I am going to say this book is worth reading. But, allow me to add in the caveat that this book may be difficult for some because of its very nature. This is a book that may require planning before reading and levels of self-care.

Getting Balanced: The point of this writing for me is to offer at least a few tips on how to get balanced. To even start that process, you would need to know if your life is currently out of balance and in what ways. How do you attempt to achieve balance in your life in a world without balance? Are those attempts usually successful? How do you take care of yourself in the face of tragedy? Do you find yourself feelings guilt of shame when you take time to watch or take something in that has nothing to do with what’s going on in the world. Have you examined where that shame comes from?

1. Knowing what your priorities are--this gives you a leg up in making sure that the things important to you are the things that get done

2. Telling people NO- This can work well with knowing your priorities because it ensures that you won’t stretch yourself too thin. And sometimes the NO is more like a “not right now”

3. Experience your emotions without shame- bottling up emotions is one surefire way to make sure they come through at inappropriate times. Any of my clients will know that I always suggest scheduling some time to be all in your feelings.

4. Reflect-- take the time to take stock of where you’ve been and where you are. Note your journey. Note if you have lost your balance and adjust accordingly.

What are some of the ways you reach balance? If you’ve read the book, what do you think? If you haven’t, would you?

Need help living your best balanced life? Get on my schedule!

*Please note that Annodright does not advocate suicide as an option. If you or a loved on is thinking about suicide and would like help call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

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Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

Today we talk about the duality in people and learning to accept that in honor of ourselves. Lately, I have published a few posts that speak about the duality of people and how we sanitize people to be who we expect them to be. It’s a part of cognitive dissonance, when ideas, beliefs, and behaviors contradict each other. If you want to read more about how I see saint and scoundrel, you can read about it in some of the other posts including this one about Kelis & Nas. But, for this post, we are talking about how that black and white thinking can feel like it helps with moving on. BUT really how it can get in the way of moving forward in our journey when a relationship ends.

We have to ensure that we see the whole picture if we want to move on AND not repeat the same mistakes of the past. Generally, when people want to move on from a relationship that doesn’t work, we turn that person into the bad guy. We talk about all the crap we endured in an attempt to convince ourselves that we are better off. Chances are, we actually are better off without this person in our lives, but were they really as bad as we make them seem? That’s the real question. The thing is people lie. Yes, I am including both you and me in this one. People lie. Maybe we aren’t blatant, but we sure exaggerate when the feeling suits us. The problem is, when you’ve just broken up with someone, or they just broke up with you, and you’re feeling some type of way, the feeling to lie/exaggerate will almost always suit you. It’s part of the healing process for some people. We will talk about every horrible thing they have ever done to us, but hype it up. Instead of them standing you up for dinner once, you will say “ [they] were constantly standing me up!" or "I couldn’t rely on them!” Instead of saying they didn’t help consistently with the dishes/chores. You’re more likely to say, “I am doing all the cleaning by myself!" or " I feel like the maid!” And one of my personal favorites “They were never thinking about me and what I needed." or "They don’t care about me.” Which we both know that  isn’t true since you are probably simultaneously thinking about the times they brought your favorite food home, rubbed your feet or back; got you random gifts...sounds like they did something (even if you don’t deem it as significant). The problem with making them the bad guy though, is that there will always be the thought in your mind that YOU CHOSE THEM. You thought they were worthy of your time. What I see, as a sex and relationship therapist, more often than not, is that there is an internalization of your choosing of this person. And cognitive dissonance says that something has to give in order for you to feel more comfortable. Because, if they weren’t shit, that means you chose wrong or you ain't shit. If you chose wrong about this, then what other bad choices have you made? That can lead to: what’s wrong with you? If something is wrong with you, how can you ever choose right. And if you can’t trust yourself...where do you think that goes? If we see our ex’s as a result of our bad decision making, we bring the baggage of anxiety into our next relationships. Hyper focusing on everything they did wrong in the relationship can lead to us seeing everything as a sign that this new person we are vetting for the role of Life Partner as a scoundrel. And when you look for dirt, you can find it.

When we see someone as the light of our lives, we will compare every relationship that comes after to this person. We will be stuck in that relationship, even though the other person may have moved on already! This is something I have been guilty of in the past. Let me tell you a story. I had a dude who broke my heart thoroughly. But as far as I was concerned he was THE shit (and I was lonely)! I was not healed when I went into my next relationship, instead I basically used this one to get over the last one, all the while telling myself I was healed. My actions showed a different perspective of the story though. In the time that I was with New Guy, I created in him a certain level of insecurities. I didn’t want him to meet my family. He begged and I acquiesced to get him to shut up about his level of importance. Then I proceeded to punish him for being so insecure.  I would call him out for not trusting, when I gave him no reason to trust. I would say he wasn’t treating me well, when part of the issue was that I was longing for someone else. There was almost no limit to how great he could have been that would not have been met with comparisons. On the other hand, if he messed up, I blew that waaaaaayyyy up and let it become the main focus. I am not vain enough to think I am the ONLY one who has ever done this. So, a question for you: Does any of that sounds familiar?

Now, that is not to say he was a Saint, either, because he wasn’t. There were definitely issues on both sides at play in this relationship. That is to say that over time, with healing and truly moving forward I was able to see my mistakes and take action to rectify them for myself and for the next relationship I entertained.

The problem with breaking up, is that sometimes it isn't a clean break and it can be hard! Then we sanitize people to the point where we feel it is most beneficial to us, so that the break up feels easier. Saying and trying to convince ourselves that they didn’t do anything or never properly cared for us, is a way to being able to believe we don’t need them and should move on to bigger and better things. When sanitation is more to Saint than Scoundrel--which can happen more when you’re feeling lonely and unworthy of love--.this person we are no longer with becomes the stick by which we measure all others, who will always fall short in our eyes, no matter their merit. Sanitizing someone to saint or scoundrel may feel like it helps with moving on, but in the end, we mostly end up punishing the next person in line and ultimately ourselves. We either spend our time looking for signs that it won’t work, or we spend our time comparing them to the relationship(s) we lost. Over time, when things keep heading in the direction of not working quite right (same relationships over and over), we may recognize ourselves as the common denominator. And if you were already feeling some type of way about how these relationships have been going, it won’t make it any easier when you reach this realization that YOU were in all of them. Being the consistent factor will have you looking at yourself all kinds of different...and not necessarily in any positive way.

Though it can be hard, see and reflect on the full picture. It is hard to fully mourn what you have lost if you are trying to convince yourself it wasn’t that great or that it wasn't that bad. Acknowledge for what it was, the good times, the bad times, and all that was in-between. This will help you to not only heal and move forward, but to make sure that those steamer trunks of relationship baggage, get left behind.

AnnodRight Presents Sex Talk: Parent Edition! Sign up for this 90 min webinar by clicking here!

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In this episode I drop a name. Dr. Ajita Robinson, grief specialist, counselor, and owner of Friends In Transition. Find out more about her at ajitarobinson.com

Photo by chelsea ferenando on Unsplash

I hear a lot of women talk about how much their body has changed since giving birth and I never truly appreciated this until I experienced it myself. I used to love my breasts. I probably still do but they have changed so much since having my daughter. They’ve grown; they leak; the size varies depending on whether I’ve breast fed or pumped yet. There is nothing sexier than a nursing bra with wet spots. Actually, everything is sexier than that right now and therein lies my problem. I want my sexy back! I need my sexy back. My sexy was everything to me. I wore the best outfits, got the best compliments and now no one notices me. They want to see a picture of my beautiful daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I love that people want to ask about her but what about me? What about my wants, what about my needs? What about stroking my ego just enough so that I almost believe there is something sexy left in me. Help me believe that my body hasn’t gone from an incubator to a milk market!

Most days I consider myself a Feminist, maybe a Womanist on others. Through this evolution of myself, I acknowledge the history of hypersexualized and degrading images of women of color, specifically Black women. I value the global and historical perspective that those bodies have been exploited for profit and I don’t want to minimize the agency of any of those bodies. None of this knowledge has helped me process how I feel about the changes in my body; changes that I have no control over. Changes that don’t usually do positive things for my self-esteem or encourage a positive self image. I used to be comfortable with my body because it exemplified those very things that my feminist self knew could be damaging to perpetuate. It’s easy to be comfortable when you embody the stereotypes. But then pregnancy happens and everything changes. You are looked at as a vessel and your body is not your own. It’s also not so encouraging hearing that all women experience this or that you can exercise or eat differently or wear girdles to put everything back to the way it was.  What’s less encouraging is realizing all the empowerment in the world will not change who you see when you look in the mirror. 

It’s very difficult to walk a line between wanting to be empowered and not caring much about fighting the patriarchy if you could just stop your breasts from leaking every time a baby cries. I want to feed my child but I also want a sexy bra that makes me feel like I used to. It’s not just the breasts though. All the pregnancy hair growth is done and has since fallen out. My stomach jiggles in ways that I didn’t know was possible and my C-Section scar is actually crooked.  I’m sick of hearing about the snapback that everyone wants post baby. I want to eat fattening food sans guilt and I want my old shoes to fit. Most of all I want to look at myself in the mirror and believe that I’m just as sexy with these changes as I was before them. That’s hard to do some days but it’s important to try because I am raising a Black daughter. A daughter who will look in the mirror and see an image of herself that society may say isn’t beautiful. I’ve scoured the Internet looking for encouragement on how to address my body image woes and I realized that the masses weren’t talking to me. They are talking to the women who want to diet and exercise to get their body back while I want to be the woman who accepts the changes and loves their body regardless. The woman who feels sexy while her breasts leak. 

    1. Remember that all new mothers experience these thoughts and feelings to some extent. This is typical. What is NOT typical is when these thoughts trigger depression. Seek help if you have chronic, recurring thoughts about your body image, if you constantly feel depressed or are crying incessantly, or if you experience severe dieting or binge eating that lasts more than a week. 

    2. We need to learn to cope with our body image issues. Remember, your post-pregnancy weight doesn’t go away immediately. Stop comparing yourself to other women; we are all unique in our journey and what may have happened to then may not happen for you. Don’t push yourself to exercise too early or too much. If you didn’t run a marathon pre-baby then don’t expect to do it 6 weeks postpartum. Practice self-care. Go get your hair done, nails done, everything did and wear some clothes that fit so you can feel more attractive. This will help you feel better about your appearance. Most importantly, STOP LOOKING AT CELEBRITIES. We are not them. Most of us don’t have nannies and personal chefs and personal trainers. I’ve accepted that I am not really Beyoncé’s cousin. Well not really but I’m ok with not snapping back as quickly as she appeared to have done.

  3.   Lastly, but certainly not least, use your partner, family and friends for the support that they are hopefully offering you. We don’t have to be that Superwoman trope. It’s ok to say, I can’t do this alone. It’s ok to say, I feel insecure about myself. It’s ok to reach out for help when you are overwhelmed. What is not ok is feeling less beautiful than you are undoubtedly are. So put on that nursing bra and look at yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself that while you might not feel so sexy today, that sexy is in there and you’re going to find it and wear it proudly. 

AnnodRight Presents Sex Talk: Parent Edition! Sign up for this 90 min webinar by clicking here!

LaDawn Lanier is a Sexologist, Certified School Psychologist and owner of Lanier Educational Consulting. Lanier Educational Consulting is a private practice that provides sexuality education through individual and couples coaching and workshops. Her goal is to help restore balance to one’s life by listening to the needs of her clients and collaboratively designing a plan that addresses both long and short-term goals. She also offers the support needed to take healthy steps towards meeting those goals and making more meaningful life choices.

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