Blog - Dr. Donna Oriowo, Sex Therapist

It’s the third Friday, so you know what time it is. Turn the PAGE!!! This week’s book is Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. Yall. When I heard about this book. When I heard the title. When I heard the authors name. When I saw the book cover. I. HAD. ALL. THE. FEELS! As a Nigerian-American, I was super excited to see and hear about this book. I was even more excited (and anxiety filled) when I started reading the book. Now, I got this book when it came out. I was reading it way back then. The question is: why has it taken me so long to write this Turn The Page for it? The answer is really simple: I have not finished reading the book.

This book was so great, right up to the point where I put it down. That’s why it has taken me so long to write this review and relation back to mental/sexual health. I figured that since I didn’t finish the book I shouldn’t review it. BUT, I since I am grown and I can do what I want, I am writing this review!

Now, let me tell you why I stopped reading. I am a book lover by nurture and nature. Psychologists and other mental health professionals generally talk about nature versus nurture as a competition of what makes you into the person that others meet and experience. For me, I know that my reading is a product of both. Some people would never believe it, but I am an introvert, generally shy, and slightly misanthropic. These things gave way to my mother taking us to the library for the first time. I loved it! I loved the idea of buying books temporarily, like you owned them, and bringing them back for a perpetual exchange. I loved that you could read in the library without anyone scolding you to make a purchase. I loved that libraries were quiet places, where generally, talking is discouraged. When you are an introvert, constant social interaction can be very draining. Being an introvert does NOT mean that you are not good or great at social interactions. It does not mean that you are necessarily awkward or that you must be shy--I am generally shy but not because I am an introvert. It simply means that you require time alone to recharge your batteries. Knowing myself, has been a part of my journey. My introversion and proclivity to reading gave me many opportunities for self-reflection. As such, I learned that I don’t like surprises. I like being in “the know.” Not knowing can cause me to experience some low levels of anxiety. I notice it more with certain types of books, tv shows, or movies. I learned that there is generally a script people follow when writing entertainment pieces. When they fail to follow that general formula, I start feeling slightly anxious and wonder where this is going.

I stopped reading this book because I was getting slightly anxious, but not about the content. I loved the general direction of the book. (And I may, or may not have skipped forward to the end to take a small peek at the literal last 2 pages). My real problem is that I remembered how books and movies can work. They give you something good or great to start. Then they leave you hanging FOR A YEAR! This book will clearly be part of a series. So I needed to stop. I was reading it way too fast and there is no second book coming yet. Have I not suffered enough? Why should I now wait for this book on top of waiting for Game Of Thrones and the Second Infinity War? I need someone to cut me a damn break. Either give me the tv show or movie or give me the manuscript of the next book! Knowing that there was no next book to fully resolve some of what was brought up in this book stopped my reading. It caused me a bit of panic. I was reading too fast for sequel that isn’t coming for a year. I needed to slow down.

Mind you, I will finish the book, just as soon as I am sure of the date for the release of the next book...maybe even earlier

This book for me had such beautiful resonating ghosts. It has the ghost of fears that have not come to pass, but that it has been pondered, if only by white folk. Allow me to explain, the idea in Children of Blood and Bone is that the monarchy has taken magic away from everyone, and has been ruling with oppression ever since. Magic wielders have been killed, and those who would grow to have powers are heavily oppressed. They are called "maggots" and treated as second class citizens, easily identifiable because of their white hair. They are more likely to live in poverty as are those who would continue to associate with them closely, family included. It breaks generations of families apart as some families sell off their once loved ones to the monarchy to secure a certain level of freedom from tyranny for themselves and the rest of their family. Does this sound familiar? Not all of it should, but some of it. It reminds me of Black people in America. Being heavily oppressed and mistreated, sanctioned and supported by the government. As the “maggots” of Tomi’s book are known by their hair and are systematically oppressed and degraded accordingly, so too are Black people living in America and other countries around the world. There is generally a correlation between melanin, texture, and opportunities. The darker you are, the more (visibly) kinky your hair, the less likely you are to have opportunities.

The other ghost for me was basically how the monarchy lived in fear of the maggots. Hoping they had crushed them thoroughly--financially and mentally/emotionally--to avoid an uprising. Then they discovered that one of the artifacts that gives magic was intact! There was a sense of fear regarding what could happen if the “maggots” were to get their magic back. It parallels again, what sentiments seem already to be here in America. There seems to be a fear of what people of color PoC would want to and would actually do to white people, if given the chance. It’s like, remembering the history of violence that white people have exacted against everyone else, and wondering if that same violence will come home to roost.

This book is definitely worth a read, maybe several reads! BUY THIS BOOK! As an avid reader, I can tell you that though there are many books, there are not many like THIS book. I would also warn you that you will only be partially satisfied because you will not be getting the next book for a while. Prepare yourself for that.

My secret to getting through it: Have another book series (that is finished) that you can read after. So, read this book and enjoy it. Feel all of your feels. Then when enough time has passed, read another book (with only one book) or read a completed series. It will take your mind off what is not finished here. Then re-read this book about 2 weeks before the second comes out and you will be freshly up to date for the sequel. Just, don’t move too fast through the book. I will actually be finishing it before this blog post comes out, but I wanted to share my pre-ending thoughts. Feel free to learn what I think after I finish :)

I am so full right now! I have feelings on feelings. So, like I tell my clients, it’s time for me to do a FEELINGS CHECK IN. Right now, I feel happy, sad, validated, and I certainly feel some type of way. April 26th (the day of writing) has been huge! Cosby was finally convicted of sexual assault and Kelis told her story. The two don’t seem to match except that the running theme here is that “women are not to be trusted” and that “any woman who comes out of their mouth to say something contrary to the (or any) Black man, is fucking it up for the culture.”

The love and lies of the Kelis & Nas history has always been pretty fascinating to me. I was one of those people who was super happy to see them together. I was all “black love,” even when I was younger and didn’t really know any better. Now, as a sex and relationship therapist, I know and understand nuance. I know, understand, and accept that people are both saints and scoundrels. We are often taught to revere or fear one side of a person and to disregard that people are multifaceted beings with both good and bad, light and dark, yin and yang, or as I call it, saint and scoundrel. We will dwell on one half of a person and sanitize them to be the one thing we already thought of them. In Kelis deciding to stand in and share her truth, she has shifted the narrative of who people thought they were as a couple. And some people are not happy about that.

What we know is that there is a racial and sex based hierarchy in these here United States. Whites before Blacks, and men before women. (of course it is more nuanced than that, but that’s why you should hire me to speak, duh!) What we also know is that there have been very carefully constructed tropes for people of color (PoC). Women of color (WoC) especially have suffered at the hands of these tropes because not only do we deal with white supremacy and what it can bring (less earning power, racism, and death), but we also have to deal with patriarchy and what that can bring (less earning power, sexism, and death).

I have been of the mind that Black women are (secretly?) the most feared “minority” population. I say this because when Black women speak, and stand in their truth, everyone is implicated; white people and PoC alike. There seems to be a vested interest in silencing the stories of Black women because in those stories, who is free from blame? Surely not white people, as a whole benefitting from a racist society. Surely not white males, for being at the pinnacle of race and sex privilege. Or white women for using a minority status while standing on the backs of Black women and choosing race benefits over the lack of justice related to sex almost EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And surely not Black men. Not the ones who are interested only in replacing White male patriarchy with Black male patriarchy; or also believe in their penis given rights to rape or beat women (we already know ALL Black men aren’t like this; but the ones who are, secretly and otherwise, certainly speak a lot louder than other ones). The point is EVERYONE GETS TOLD ON! No one is exempt. Remember: there are levels to this! Everyone but that Blackest Black woman holds a certain level of power. I think the strongest and most damning tropes are reserved for Black women as a way to check the power of the truths we could tell. No one wants to be implicated and so it has become easiest to disempower the voice of Black women...Anti-Blackness.

This is one of those articles that is about, but not about the headline subject. This is about Kelis and Nas, but it is NOT about Kelis and Nas. Again this is about the reaction of the masses to what has been presented as new information for some. Black women have been called and have had to deal with the tropes of the Angry Black Woman, the Crazy/ Over Emotional Woman, the Gold Digger, and of course the sexual tropes they derived from: Mammy, Jezebel, and Sapphire. If you listen to the account that Kelis gave in her interview with Hollywood Unlocked, you will hear that many of these tropes were more than present and accounted for. She was called crazy and emotionally unstable at points. She has been called angry and bitter. And she has been called a Gold Digger. These tropes have been used to discredit and silence her. But like I said this is about, but not about that. Where I want to focus (again), is on how we perceive women who tell their truth when that truth is in opposition to what we want to hear and contradicts the silencing tropes.

We [Black people] have been given the duty to protect our own. Black women have certainly taken up that mantle to make sure that they are the first ones to defend and love and be a safe harbor, too. Even when they are being abused physically, mentally, sexually or otherwise at home by other Black folk. For a Black woman to tell anyone, what they have endured at the hands of a Black man bring a whole world of hurt on themselves. We are taught and told to keep our silence. We are taught and told that the racism we experience is enough of a battle to fight without also fighting sexism. We have been told to wait our turn, when Black male liberation is secured, we can then secure a space for Black women. But who does this benefit? We cannot continue to negate the effects of sexism and only focus on race. Black women do NOT have the luxury of only being Black. They do NOT have the luxury of only being women. We are at the intersection of being hated by all for all that we are. Asking us to hold our silence in light of Black male hurt feelings is an act of aggression and violence. It is on level of white people asking Black people to hold their feelings of racism to themselves because there are hurt feelings. This is a seeming disdain for Black Women.

We are being asked to continue to complete the Ride or Die narrative. When Cosby was accused, the story was switched up in the collective psyche to say he didn’t do it. Cosby himself said he did. And then tactics changed. Then people were saying that he couldn’t rape those women because they were ugly and he had beautiful people around him all the time that he could have raped instead. (seriously?) Then asking “why did it take so long?” became the narrative along with trying to say that he was being punished for trying to purchase NBC in 1992! I think we have Cliff Huxtable mixed up with Bill Cosby. I think it’s easy to say it’s a white woman’s witch hunt after a Black icon, BUT only if you choose to ignore the Black women who also came forward with stories of rape. Seems there is not only that need to hush unwanted stories, but also a desire to uphold the cognitive dissonance that would allow someone to say there were only stories of whiteness. The problem is that there are still the sexual tropes given to Black women present within this narrative. The Jezebel tells us that the sexuality of Black women is so wonton and masculine that to rape her is no crime. She wants the “D” so it can’t be rape, right? She was in the room. She drank the drink. She held her silence. With the conviction of Cosby came a whole new way of being. Now people are talking about the white men who have yet to be prosecuted. I am still trying to understand what is wanted. Do we want justice to find those white men who also have hurt people through rape? OR do we want Cosby to be given a pass from raping people because others have not been prosecuted? (Sounds silly when you say it aloud-try it). Di-gressing.

With Kelis and Nas, that’s a whole nother issue. It takes us deeper still into those tropes and their derivatives: the Mammy, the Jezebel, and the Sapphire. The Mammy and the Sapphire give way to the Matriarch. To have a matriarch is concluded that this neck moving, eye rolling, emasculating woman has chased her man out of the house and has been angry and bitter ever since. We have grown on the teet of what the masses think about Black people. We see the narratives play out on tv, in movies, etc. So much so that all Nas has to do is say Kelis is bitter or angry or hurt to be alone. All he has to do is bring question to her emotional stability. Invoke the tropes. The people will eat that shit up. Because we have cast women in the role of being unable to have higher brain functions in favor of the emotions which have to rule to the detriment of all. We have cast Black women into the role of chasing men away for being unreasonable and emasculating. Some people will have made up their minds about what Kelis is saying before they hear it, if only because there is a formula that has been given about how you should think of a Black woman who would not be the Ride or Die for the man she was once with. There is already a way of thinking about a Black woman who would spill all the damn tea (including physical abuse-mint, part time father grey, dictating from the sidelines with lavender, and questioning his mental stability rooibos) and leave a Black man exposed. There is already a way of thinking about a Black woman who don’t Ride or Die with the narrative placed. There is a way of thinking about a woman who has been sanitized to only be a trope. But this narrative is abusive. This narrative is detrimental to Black women and all those who hear it. Though it has been said that these tropes are destructive and damning,  though there is a screaming out for help, and pleading for full person recognition, it falls on chosen-to-be deaf ears. Where are the men who Ride or Die for Black women? The ones who hear #sayhername and actually correct their friends and family?

Getting better as a community- both in Black communities and out—does not happen in siloed silence. We have been asking white people to acknowledge and check their privilege. We must also do the same within. Black men must acknowledge and check their privilege. As a community, we need to look at the traditions and narratives we have upheld as the Truth in our community: keeping our mouths shut, blind support of everybody who is black, favoring men over women as leaders whose legacy can never be up for question and true evaluation; in other words the Ride or Die mentality. Because this way of thinking is killing the women who have to uphold it. We cannot talk about our experience of white supremacy hurting us, while ignoring how patriarchy in the Black community does the same.

So many women come in to therapy with me to talk about the hurts they have received from the people in their lives. They have been told, and it has been repeated that, those hurts don’t matter in the “grand scheme of things”. When do they get to be acknowledge and allowed to stand in their truth with the whole community? When do we validate that there are uncles who little girls fear to greet in their own homes? When do we say the we cannot Ride for a family that would rather we Die than tell our truth? Kelis told her truth and some people would villinize her for it. Cosby is convicted on the word of those who also told their truth, but there is a choice to ignore the pain of those women. Instead of being scared, maybe we should learn to accept and be liberated by the truths told. Hit it with the Michael Jackson and look at the (hu)man in the mirror. Ask yourself why you are so resistant to people standing in their truth and being convicted for their wrongdoings. Why does it niggle you in the back of your mind? Why does it cause a feeling of discomfort? What are YOU worried about?

I, for one, will NOT allow male fragility or white fragility to make me hold my tongue or pause my steps. I will always make space for the Black Women who need their stories told. We have been silent for long enough. We are only asking to be believed and protected, and loved, and cherished in the same way we do for you, and in the same way you love, protect, and cherish yourself.

Getting on my schedule has never been easier! Therapy, Coaching, Speaking Events, and More. 

Hello Lovely Family! Dr. Oriowo here to give you a brief intro. Once a month, I will be recruiting guest bloggers to give varying perspectives. At the end of those blogs, you will find a heading "Dr. Donna Nods." That section will give my advice and other info. Enjoy!

We all want a clean and tidy home. Sometimes, we'll find motivation, only to let things slide, and let clutter and mess reassert their presence. This can make the process of maintaining a neat home tedious and time-consuming. But there are plenty of super-easy ways to turn tidiness into a habit that can transform our homes into a place of relaxation.

Routine has plenty of benefits, cultivating stability and consistency. Maintaining positive habits can ensure days start productively without being onerous or time-consuming. Begin mornings by making your bed. Make it a routine to end nights by spending some time arranging things and putting stuff where it belongs. Vacuum or sweep each day as well. Even if it's only for a few minutes, it's an easy habit that builds up over time. Include your family, too. Encourage everyone to pick up after they're done using things, and consider having everyone pitch in for more thorough cleaning days. This could range from 15 minutes each night, to a few hours per week on a particular room. It's a simple, easy way to share the burden and make cleaning less daunting.

Organizing and decluttering your home may sound like a large task, but it doesn't have to be. You don't have to transform your home overnight, and practicing other tidiness habits will allow you to do this at your own pace. It may be prudent to first focus on rooms most frequented. Designate areas, like counters and cupboards, for specific items and consider converting a few drawers into storage for various possessions. That can take a lot of the pressure out of decluttering, allowing you to focus on organizing essentials and tidying up. Once things are organized, you can better determine what can be let go of during the clear-out process. The less you have, the less you have to clean. Get creative by using using jars or cans for items like scissors and pens. You might even convert a dresser drawer into storage to place under beds. Don't overlook basics either, like designating a location for shoes. A clean and decluttered home will be a systematic process, but the results can be dramatic. Organization can make your home feel spacious and open, and give peace of mind that can benefit your overall well-being.

Cleaning reflexively is another tidiness habit that can be an asset to maintaining cleanliness. Picking up as you go can keep the list of chores from building and becoming so unappealing that they're avoided. When you get home, put your clothes away instead of throwing them wherever. Address spills as they happen, put dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink, and start readying pots and pans for cleaning as you cook. Apply that same mentality to everything, from folding laundry to wiping down your shower after you wash. These are quick habits that can become instinctual over time and create change over time. It's better to quickly deal with it in the moment rather than let messiness accumulate.

Cleaning isn't particularly relaxing; however, the results can be like a breath of fresh air for one's state of mind. There are ways that you can directly give your home a relaxing ambience. You can add more plants and scent diffusers to give your rooms a soothing feel, and add some natural color to bring serenity even when cleaning. When doing your day's chores, consider listening to music or an audiobook. Music can be a great motivator, both for you and your family, and may have everyone dancing or otherwise feeling relaxed and more enthusiastic about performing some essential tidying up.

A clean house can be transformative to life. Not seeing clutter in our living areas can give us a whole new perspective of our homes. By creating super-easy habits, we can take away a lot of the stress that mess creates. Involving our loved ones, too, can nurture a greater appreciation for family responsibility and the benefits of a well-maintained home.

When you are feeling particularly anxious, or sad, or like things aren't going right, one fix that many of my clients (and friends) have found to be helpful is cleaning. It can help because of the physical act of clearing things away. Let's not also forget that cleaning can count as exercise (depending on how vigorously you are working it) which can help you to also get blood pumping and release feel good chemicals. I'm not saying make it a habit, but I am saying TRY IT OUT! Let us know how it goes by commenting below. 

Here is a little disclosure about me, I don’t generally like autobiographies. I find that they can be terribly dull and full of pomp. I know I read The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish, but if you’ll remember, I also said that the writing left much to be desired. But Gabrielle Union's book We're Going to Need More Wine: Stories That Are Funny, Complicated, and Are True was a delight to read! It was finished before I was.

Within this book, there were so many nuggets can could be the area of focus. We could talk about how we pretend to be something/someone we are not so that we can fit into various groups. We could also talk about what can happen to a relationship when our significant others' family doesn't like us. We can talk about the impacts of sexual assault, being with the wrong person, or finding the right person. But what I want to talk about is the process by which Gabrielle Union, not only created a wholly new unit with her husband, Dwayne Wade, but also what her experience in Blackness confirms and re-teaches us.

At the very beginning of this book, Gabrielle explains the way in which she will tell us of her experiences. She pretty much goes in chronological order of her life, while also delving into what they mean in the context of living and learning in America. As a never-gonna-be-considered-a-light-skinned-woman female, I feel like I can hold on to her experiences just a little more than I could for someone who has light skinned privilege. This for me is as important a distinction as knowing that the experience of Black women is different than the experience of white women and other Women Of Color (WOC). It matters because there are levels to privilege in this country. While ALL women are generally, second class citizens, WOC are more likely to be further disrespected and disadvantaged due to their race. While WOC are disrespected due to their race, there still exists (across ethnic status) a general anti-Blackness. When you are Black, you are the “anti.” You are the very essence of what people do not want to be, so that they can hold some status of being privileged. For me, the story of say..Paula Patton would be very different from Gabrielle Union. Yes, both are women of color. Both may even identify as Black women. But one of those women is walking around wearing the gown of light skinned and hair texture privilege that the other can’t even walk into the store to purchase. These are made to order gowns, that are hard as hell to remove. It’s not anyone’s “fault” that some people get to wear it and others don’t, but I think it’s safe to say there are advantages (financial and otherwise) that come with being able to wear that particular privileged gown.

Anyway, I found that the general life experiences of Gabrielle Union were completely relatable. Her formative years seemed to be spent trying to fit in, but with the Blackness rules in tact. She shed pieces of herself to fit in with the rich white kids of her school. She cloaked herself in Blackness when she was around her own. And she maintained the idea that she would need to work twice as hard to get half as far. She also understood that it would often be her perverse pain (and pleasure?) to be the representative of the entire Black race, in spaces where many white folks are gathered. Many people have their story about how they change the outward essence of who they are to be with various crowds. Lots of people, but perhaps fewer than the many who change themselves, remember the moment when that stopped being the case. For me, one of the many times this metamorphosis happened was in high school. When I realized that I didn’t like quite as many people as I thought I should. And when I got to the point where I realized I wouldn’t be with those people forever, I said “fuck it, I am gonna do me.” And I did. I stopped worrying about what the people thought of me and did what was ME--reading, loving my family, eating, etc. Gabrielle Union, my twin, also experienced something similar. Her’s also seemed to happen in stages, with one of the most obvious forms of the metamorphosis coinciding with the writing of this book.

Gabrielle talked about how her skin tone kept her from certain roles, from fitting in completely with her white friends, who couldn’t understand her experience. She spoke about her self-esteem and tearing down other people to feel better about herself; tactics that did not actually work. But what I am most humbled by her sharing is her black experience as someone with money (and fame), and trying to buy the feeling of safety of her neighbors as a way to barter for her life and the life of her husband and step-sons.

In the Black Community we have “The Talk.” This talk is not the one about sex and sexuality and growing into your body and all that Jazz. That Talk seems to hardly happen for some because people are scared and nervous to talk about sex with their kids because it seems taboo. This Talk I’m talking about was featured on the tv show Blackish. It’s the Talk folks give to their children to remind them that the world hates them. The talk that emphasizes that outside of the sanctity of their home, others, usually white others will see them as a threat. Black folk and anyone with eyes to see, ears to hear, and/or a mind to understand will know that this is very much the case. I am not sure that evidence is needed but let’s consider that in the second week of April a young boy was shot at asking for directions to school. Shot at because they felt there was a threat to them. Shot because a black boy walked up to ask a question. From a neighbor. About school. Because when white people move into black neighborhoods, they do so with fear in their hearts. Because they want to “improve” the neighborhood through gentrification. Again, I digress. Also, in the second week of April, two black men were arrested for...are you ready? Sitting inside a Starbucks waiting for someone with whom they would talk business. This post isn’t about lamenting that Black People can’t seem to do shit without consequences that are disproportionate to their respective “crimes.” This prose is literally about “The Talk" we have to have. Now most people people of color may recognize that this Talk usually happens with children but I want to give a perspective that may not be as discussed. Having “The Talk” with lovers, partners, husbands, and wives.

I am nobody’s wife (yet) but I am partnered but I am having this Talk. As a Sex and Relationship Therapist in the Washington D.C. metro area, I am also seeing people who are having this Talk with their significant and non-significant others. People of color are spending an inordinate amount of time trying to remind people they care for or are starting to care for, to be careful. I, myself, remind my partner to be wise when out so that he can return to me. I ask that hoodies be left alone and the he try to have the keys out and ready when he wants to get in the car.

In Gabrielle Union’s We’re Going To Need More Wine she talks about dropping a “Black Bomb” on Dwayne with regards to their kids. “Black Bombs” are much like The Talk, where the realities of Blackness are told to those who are Black to teach them the “rules” that could guide their general safety and allow them to return to their families. Now, I won’t tell you the specifics, but the idea here was that while at their Florida home (a stand your ground state) Dwayne allowed the boys to go out in the late evening (like 9/10pm). Gabrielle had forbidden it the day before because they are 2 black boys, who are taller than your average, and could be another statistic or hashtag. But it doesn’t end there, she talks about trying to consistently get the boys to understand the realities of being Black boys in a society that hates Black people. It seems that her role, in many ways is to remind them that though they have the privilege of money, that money doesn’t necessarily buy safety for Black bodies which are still reviled. Funnily enough, in another chapter, Gabrielle Union, Dropper of Bombs, tries to buy the feeling of safety for her Chicago neighbors with mittens!

Gabrielle, I can call her that, she is my twin after all, speaks about bundling up in the dead of winter while in Chicago. In trying to get past 2 neighbors, who managed to block the sidewalk, she practiced what she was going to say to be considered a non-threatening negro. It didn't work. They saw her skin color and blanched, maybe even calling her a thug. And the next time Gab went out, she changed up her routine and put on mitten because “thugs don’t wear mittens.” That point had me rolling on the floor--okay in my bed-- with laughter. I literally thought about how she was going to erase centuries of discrimination and anti-Blackness with mittens, which she then says a few pages later! I told yall we are twins!  

To the point: I often wonder about the difference between men and women. Women are told the world is unsafe and they should be aware from a young age. We are taught and conditioned to be aware of the rapists and sexual assaulters who lurk in the dark. We are told to beware of the purse snatchers. As such, we have also been given pretty explicit instructions on how to NOT become a victim. The instructions are fairly simple, if not completely sexist and inconvenient; don’t get drunk at parties, have your keys in your hand before you get to you car, immediately lock the doors, park under a light where you can be seen, don’t walk anywhere alone, cross your purse around your body. If shit really goes wrong, don’t resist if someone wants something from you, even your body, as long as they don’t try to take you anywhere. Men, on the other hand, are told and shown that they are generally safe in their male bodies. The only thing is for Black men, it seems like it can be a warring between two realities. The reality of being a man and having a certain level of “guaranteed” safety. And the reality that for Black men it’s more the skin that is considered the sin, not so much the body itself.

Dwayne thought of letting the boys out at night, as a way of cutting the parental strings. Of letting them show they were capable young men who can go out and return with no issue. Gabrielle, having been told all her life that her female body is an unsafe sin, and her color will get her killed to boot, who has also had said body violated, had a completely different take. Could this be part of the problem? Is there a juxtaposition in being in the “right body but being the “wrong” color? Does being in the “wrong” body automatically make you more aware? Is it the socialization of girls that makes us more aware? I don’t know.

You should have already gotten the book before you even finished reading this! This is one that has re-read value in my opinion. I may have to use this book for another book review! So yes, my suggestion is to read this one. Buy it, if you are a person who purchases books. If you really gotta try it on before you decide to take it home, the library is always a great (free) place to start.

Let’s keep the conversation going! What "Black Bombs" do you drop on your loved ones?

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Photo by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash

There has been much going on in the last two weeks. Last weeks blog about what a woman is worth if she has no children and no man, as told from the public shaming of Ashanti, was put up last week. But this week, I want to talk more explicitly, about, but not about Emily B. and Fabolous. Let’s start with what we know. What we know is that Emily B had her teeth knocked out. What we also know is that there is a video of Fabolous, Emily B., and her father, where Fab is threatening Emily B and her dad. What we see is that when Fab approaches Emily, there is a bodyguard(?) holding him back, and she runs away.

Why am I starting with what we know and what we see? I am starting there because even when we have eyes to see, to read, to really peer, we may or may not use them. I am only pointing out what some people would call the “facts.” But like I said, this prose is about but not about the Emily/Fab situation. This is more about what has been seen after, by the masses. This is more about the value of a woman and her word. This is more about money, memories, and the perception of a world in black and white. What I saw two weeks ago, leading up to this week, left much to be desired.  I saw that women were working extra hard to defend their personhood and the stats that support them, while men required “all the facts” before rendering judgement.

In situations where a woman, especially a woman of color, has accused a man of wrongdoing, be it sexual, physical,  or otherwise, there is a haze of doubt that now comes over her words and the situation. Never you mind that we hardly need ALL the facts when it comes to Black men being shot in the street by police, or men saying they have been hurt or wronged, we believe them. More than that, Black women will rally around them. However, let a woman say someone has hurt her and watch how quickly the men need “all the facts.”

What I have seen is an assassination on the character of women who accuse beloved men of...well….anything. They are now worthy of being called out of their names, and having their character doubted. While wanting to know the facts is not a bad thing, it isn’t done evenly across the board. It is a time of picking and choosing who and what to believe, and women are almost never chosen. I often wonder, if like the saying goes, that white people love Black culture, but hate Black people is also synonymous with how men feel about women. Do men love pussy, but hate women? **Granted this is from a heteronormative perspective** I think the question is valid if only because the same arguments Black people use to say we have value, are being used by women when talking to men. I say this because the response is often the same close minded words used by white people to diminish personhood or the presented issue at hand.

The problem is that we tend to see people and situations in black and white. We cannot fathom that someone we LIKE is also not liked by others. We cannot see that people are multifaceted and varied. We can give ourselves leeway and grace because we know that we are both saints and scoundrels, but we imagine something else for others. We have equated that doing a bad thing makes you a wholly bad person. Meaning that if you know the person to have done some good things, you must now deny the evidence of their depravity because it causes cognitive dissonance within you.

Bill Cosby. I don’t care what anyone else has to say on the subject, but there were entirely too many women who came forward about his behavior for NONE of them to be believed. Some were saying it was a white women’s issue, and that white women lie. I am saying that even if you choose to ignore those you have already deemed liars, what about the women of color who also are pointing the accusing finger at the man? Seems that their accusations, their hurts, and the pain they endured has been erased as an non-issue. But, I digress. Getting back to the point, to see those accusations broke something in many people. They did not want to believe that their beloved father of The Cosby Show could also be..I don’t know, a sexual being for one. And for two, be a person who exerts power over others. When you see him as a thing from a tv show (where he was acting) but cannot manage to see the rest of him, do you not do him a disservice? Do you not also do yourself a disservice? The fact is we like to sanitize people to be what we think they already are. We will erase the good or the bad in favor of the narrative that best fits with what makes us feel comfortable. We also do this in our very relationships. We can break up with someone and have a longing so intense it keeps us from moving on. We have forgotten why we do not work and have hyper focused on what made the relationship great. Rewriting history in our minds. OR vice versa, we hyper focus on what was bad in the relationship and forget that there was also good there. Some of us do this in an attempt to move on, but really we are collecting baggage that will accompany us into the next relationship.

Now with Fab and Emily, people have already judged her character and found it lacking. People have already decided, that despite what they saw on the video and have read in articles, his character is too laid back to be beating on any woman. Have we ignored the evidence in front of us? Or does the evidence not matter in the face of the hate we bear for women?

Men have been taught that they are to rule over and lead women. Because women refuse to “stay in their place” we are almost automatically reviled. Women have also been taught to hate women. We hate them for the same reason and also because of competition. Only one of us is allowed out at a time. Only one of various types can be representative of the female voice. Imagine how this impacts the mind day in and day out. Imagine what younger generations are taught. Because even though you may notice the shenanigans, there is still lots of work internally that needs to be done for this to not take the deep entrenched hold. Sexism is much like racism in this country, a constant, woven into the very fabric of our lives. To live outside of that is to tear the fabric, shake the foundations. It requires a daily emancipation, knowing that some days you will succumb. It’s a constant everlasting battle. And as I have said before, I grow tired.

Looking for a therapist to help you process it all? Hit THIS LINK to get on my therapy calendar OR THIS LINK to have a discovery call with me. 

Read along with the audio! AnnodRight.com/blog

Photo by Kat Love on Unsplash

I got more advice yall. I mean why shouldn’t you get as much as you can from a sex therapist, right? So, here we go again. This is the second post in honor of some of the clients I see. A week or two ago, I did a post on how to get through when you just broke up with someone. You can read that HERE. Today we are moving on to those who aren’t sure if the person they are with, is the person they should be with. In other words, those who feel stuck and aren’t sure how to move forward.

Sort of like Ariel in The Little Mermaid, you could be tryna figure out if the partner you chose (or the one who chose you) is the right fit. But instead of the classic gif:

Discover & share this Little Mermaid GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.

Yours might be more like, “I love them, I love them not.” OR even more confusing: “I love them, but do we work” Should I stay or should I go.

To the point of frustration: “I don’t know if I am with the right person. I feel stuck!”

Discover & share this Stars GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.

But let’s talk about why you feel stuck. The answer to that is pretty simple FEAR! It’s a key piece that no one ever wants to talk about. Talking about what you are scared of, for some, makes it that much more real. The thing is though, it doesn’t seem that keeping your fears to yourself is helping. You are still dating in fear, being with unsuitable people in your fear, and basically letting what scares you run your life. Acknowledged or not, fear is winning. Just like you don’t have to be scared to get your butt whooped, you also don’t have to acknowledge what scares you for it to still run your life!

Folk talk a lot about FOMO-- fear of missing out-- but try to make is sound baseless. The thing is that experiencing FOMO probably happens more often than we like to admit. Missing out on a good party or vacation is one thing, it can be easier, in a sense, for some people to get over that. They will make adjustments, plan differently and make sure that they go to the next one. Some people will express that they wish they hadn't missed out, and make sure they are financially prepared the next go round, and actually go. But FOMO can also apply to people.

We are scared that the person we are with, who may be lackluster overall, may actually be our one true soulmate. We are worried that if we leave this person, we will have missed our opportunity to get that “Happily Ever After.” It’s the fear that has most people stuck, not knowing what they “should” do in a relationship. YOU ALREADY KNOW! You know that the relationship you have is not the one you want to be experiencing. You know that the person you are with doesn’t quite fit. You know that you should exit stage left, but you are scared of what is beyond. You are scared of not being in a relationship when society has told you again and again, as a woman--and as a woman of color especially-- that your worth lies in your ability to get and keep a partner. That you must reach for the moon and hopefully land among the stars. When your worth is tied up in having a relationship, the person you are actually with seems to matter a little less. You are willing to compromise a little more. And before you know it, you’re in THE WORST relationship you could have ever dreamed for yourself. Maybe it is not a physically abusive relationship, maybe it’s not “abusive” in any traditional way. Maybe it's that person who cheats or lies, or otherwise is not worthy of your time. Maybe it’s the type of relationship that has you loosing piece after piece of yourself and what you actually want. Maybe it’s the relationship and partner who is not equally yoked, and who you have to pour into but they could never help to replenish you. Isn’t that abusive enough? How much worse can it get when you lose yourself to have a partner?

1. Acknowledge the fear that underlies your willingness to stay

2. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP! You do need to acknowledge what you actually want to be getting. When you know what you want, talk to your partner about it. See how you could change up those dynamics either on your own or with a relationship coach or therapist. You might be able to get what you want with the person you are with!

3. If you have tried, and put forth your best effort but aren’t seeing the fruits that you need, consider that you may need to...LEAVE! I am not sure how you would be serving them or yourself by staying in a relationship you will grow to resent or hate. Weigh the pros and cons. Explore the emotions that come up for you, and act accordingly. Sometimes its can help to talk it out with a friend but is probably better with an unbiased professional. Enlist the help you need. You don’t have to go it alone.

As always, my services on the long or short term are available to you. Hit THIS LINK to get on my therapy calendar OR THIS LINK to have a discovery call with me. What would you discover? You would discover if you would like to work with me in a more long term capacity. LOL. I’ll be back with a new blog post next week!

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