Blog - Dr. Donna Oriowo, Sex Therapist

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Over the last two weeks, there has seemingly been a theme among my clients and friends. It seems that folk are ready to break up. But of course, there are lots of barriers in the way to doing it right, because people are usually scared of the process. For those who don’t know, breaking up does NOT mean ghosting, hitting someone with the slow fade, making them mad enough to break up with you, or talking about how you need time to grow and that one day you might come back. When we break up, we do it right, we do it clean, and don’t leave false hope, or tarnish our character in the process.

But this isn’t about how to break up, as much as it is about what keeps people from doing it and opting for ghosting, the slow fade, being a butthead, or leaving hope in their wake. The fact is folk are SCARED to break up with folk. Yeah, I said it. There seems to be a collective fear around what breaking up means about us, but there are 3 main reasons, still steeped in fear that seem to come up alot.

This is the one the truly gets me confused sometimes. I am not saying that this has not been, at some point, part of my own narrative, I am saying that it doesn’t make any damn sense. You are thinking about ending a relationship with someone. It’s not horrible, it’s been fine, but somehow it still doesn’t fit. In the words of some “nice guys,” the person you are with doesn't hit you, insult you maliciously, try to control you, and all around isn’t a (complete) dickhead. YAY! You got someone with the basics of human decency. However, people often use this as a measure of if they should remain with someone. Just because someone isn't abusive, doesn’t mean they are necessarily the person you WANT to be with!

However, women, especially Black women, have been taught that you have to “take what you can get” because we have been deemed undesirable. So folk stay in lackluster relationships thinking that this person could be the one, so you don’t want to leave though your every thought and fantasy is about how you don’t work and how you would only break up with them if you could. If, leaving someone who doesn’t abuse you, if leaving someone who was even marginally or entirely good to you, wouldn’t leave you looking silly. There may even be an anticipation of what people would say to you for leaving such a “nice” person. So you stay, OR you do one of those false hope break ups so that just in case you can’t find something better out there, you have left the door open for your possible return. Which leads us to how folk are, in the immortal words of Beyonce...

Could you hear Beyonce singing that one? I could and TBH I almost always skip that song. Eh **shrugs** But in the end, the questioning of if the person you are wanting to leave is the one is based in being scared to be alone and lonely. That no one else could want you. This thought process has this underlying narrative like you somehow tricked them into seeing something in you, when you don’t think there is much to see at all. We have been taught that the pinnacle of relationships that matter are those which are romantic. We are seeking partner with unerring desperation. We aren’t sure that we are supposed to be alone and if we could do it. Which is why for me, Tracee Ellis Ross is such an inspiration. She is alone and HAPPY. A women of color, who CHOOSES not to be in a relationship. Who is choosing not to have kids, and what are we going to say? That her life won’t be fulfilled or fulfilling? That she is less of a woman? That no one wanted her Black ass anyway? Nah! I am sure she has many a person sliding into those IG DMs with promises of the life they could live together, if only she would just submit. And I bet you do, too. You get to choose if you want to be with YOU or share what you have to offer with someone else. You are worthy, as you are. Your worth as a person, is inherent.

But the point is that we are scared of being lonely. In the way this society is set up, it says something about you and your level of desirability to be alone. This is especially true for women of color and Black women in particular. We have been told that we are undesirable, that folk don’t want to marry us, not even the Black men heterosexual Black women often seek. We have been told that same-sex partnerships are less than, and still speak, to our morality on the one hand or whether or not we would have even been desirable enough for a heterosexual relationship on the other. People say the darndest things. The dumbest things, really. But in that relationship where we are and have been unhappy, or simply just “okay,” we think about leaving but weigh against it because we don’t want to end up alone. Because they COULD be “the one.” So, in this one, folk might hit the slow fade. Just moving slowly away from being fully committed in the relationship. Seeking to see if there might be something better out there for you, but feeling like there won’t be. You look but check in with this person every now and then to keep them on the hook. Wanting to make sure they don’t seriously start to move on with their lives while you try to see if you can find someone better suited to you.

This one right here, takes the cake. Image seems to be everything. While people are now, in some ways obsessed with being “real” people still don’t want people to NOT like them! I know, in your head you’re probably saying that you don’t care what people think, that you simply “do you.” Well, please excuse me if I don’t believe you. I have seen many a person who says they don’t care what others think about this or that, but can be balling their eyes out a minute later regarding what someone said or did. But, I digress.

Folk don’t want to be seen in a negative light. It can even go back to thinking that this person could be the one or that you simply want the option to maybe come back. But either way, we are wary of hurting someone and being the asshole in their story and how it gets told to others. We don’t want a bad review. Not when we think of ourselves as being good and fair.

The fact is that for someone, you are going to be the bad guy. You are going to be the person who wronged them, who hurt them, who was an asshole that no one can figure out why the other person would even have given you the time of day. And what’s funny is, in your need to leave the relationship, you would probably make it worse by ghosting, slow fading, or tarnishing your name in the process by doing all manner of thing to get THEM to break up with YOU!

Breaking up isn’t always easy. There aren’t always loud and obnoxious arguments and fights to indicate that you should leave. Sometimes things really are just fine. But if/when you are ready to go, I think you do yourself and the person you are in a relationship with a dishonor, but dragging out the process and wasting both of your time in the process. So, let’s work on making clean, clear breaks from relationships we don’t want.

1. Know how you would like to proceed before you do a fake break up. Jerking people back and forth while you make up your mind isn’t okay.

2. Set a time to talk. You don’t want interruptions because breaking up is hard enough without distractions.

3. Communicate clearly. Make sure they know that you are breaking up with them. Make no references to the possibility of getting together in the future. Keep false promises to yourself. I.E. this is your termination letter, but for  relationship, not a job. Being clear and concise is key. (yes, they may ask why you are leaving, just like a job would. Be honest, but not hurtful).

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Feeling like reading or commenting? Do IT! Here is the link!

Wanna learn more about our guest blogger?
1. Jaynay C. Johnson’s website is called TEENTALK

2. Here is the link to purchase the books called Dear Teen Self and My Dear Teen Self

3. If feel ready to have the conversation with your teen (or children) about sex and sexuality, here is the link to Sex Talk: Parent Edition, the webinar. Take your time watching it and then implement!

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Finally, that crisp September air is here! With the changing of the season and all of our Autumn plans coming a whole lot closer, we know that cuffing season has arrived!!! With cuffing season usually seems to come a whole lot of expectations and the close kin, miscommunication. You know we have to work on that. Let’s talk about expectations and communication in cuffing season.

Cuffing season is that magical time when the weather starts to turn that folk want to have a designated, it’s-getting-cold-out-there, snuggle/fuck/go out/talk-to “friend.” Someone to have and go out with then the weather turns and almost no one is interested in leaving the warmth of their house. Someone to chill with when the weather is less than ideal and you just wanna stay in and be warm and be warmed (you get me?? LOL). Being chosen at cuffing season does not guarantee a relationship, and choosing someone during cuffing season doesn’t mean you will have uninterrupted or singular access to that person. Some people just want to play on ALL the teams, and I ain’t mad at you. There is nothing wrong with it until you have miscommunicated your expectations and desires. Expectations have  been the killer of many a successful plan and relationship. Expectations mean that you want things to go a certain way but that you haven’t really planned for it. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with having expectations except that usually they are held pretty close to the vest. No one wants to talk about what they expect. It’s almost like we just want the other person to know, and thus prove themselves worthy of our time and attention. However, no matter which way you spin it, people are not mind readers! Knowing and communicating your expectations is important if you want to have what you desire. With cuffing season it is no different, you have to know what you want, and let others know. Per usual we have to start with you!

1. What kind of cuffing season are you looking to have?

   1. Do you want a relationship experience? Or more of a friends plus experience?

   2. Are you looking to play on a few teams or to play for one team?

   3. Are you looking for an all access pass (all the info of tha person) OR just a late evening “Netflix and Chill” I don’t need to really know you, situation?

   4. Are you looking for someone just for the season or potentially for a lifetime?

2. What is your draft pick looking for?

   1. Are they wanting to be the only one on the team, or are they playing on a few teams too?

   2. Are they looking for seasonal or lifetime?

3. Have you spoken to this person about your expectations? Are you on the same page?    

Really there isn’t too much to do here, as you can see by this super short list. The main thing to do is figure out what you want and need to have this cuffing season and what your ultimate goal is. If it’s companionship over the cooler months, great! Say so! If it’s to have a trial relationship run to possibly be with this person long term, awesome! Say so! If they are going to be one of many on your team this cuffing season (go on with that hoe-tation), magnificient! Say SO!! When you speak to the person you are trying to draft for the season and let them know your expectations and goals, you are setting yourself up for a good season with laughs, thrills, and fun. When you fail to communicate, you open the door for huffy silences, useless arguments, and season wasting bullsh*t. The whole point is that you IDENTIFY and COMMUNICATE your expectations. This goes with consent for me. If you are giving people the impression that you are looking for a partner beyond the season, the person you are with is going to have a different set of expectations on behavior etc. I know it can be tempting to not let people know and instead leave them with questions, but the mature adult thing to do is converse about what you are looking for. It is not okay to pull people in knowing you want to “Netflix and Chill” but giving them the impression that you are going to be in a relationship with them. We need to be clear on our needs so we can successfully communicate with others. If you are too scared to let people know that you aren’t looking for anything serious, then you might not be ready for that journey.

Gather your draft picks and put aside some time for talking. We need this season to not end on 2 and 14.

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It seems like people finally are getting it! Before that newfound grasp of knowledge flits away like a box of warm Krispy Kremes, let’s talk.

Serena Williams wore a bodysuit which she said reminded her of the greatness of one of the blackest mainstream movies in recent years, Black Panther. What did the French decide in all their whiteness and hatred? That the compression suit, for Serena’s health, was not only unacceptable but banned. But like the true clap back slightly petty queen, Serena wore a whole damn tutu and (compression) fishnets to the US Open. And on that day not a word was heard other than to congratulate sis on being Petty LaBelle.

But that’s the whole damn point. Serena wore what she felt like wearing and WON her game. Her athleticism and her dedication to her work was not impeded by her style of dress. When you work to do the job at hand, when you’ve studied, worked hard, practiced, prepared, your style of dress has no effect. But, there are still so many people who will police the dog shit out of others for what they wear in the workplace. For how they look in a school. For how their hair is coiffed in public. We are constantly policing how the bodies of others are presented in various spaces. The problem is that we think we are just trying to help someone get ahead or to do better but we are really being agents of White Supremacy. We continue to say that only white people are professional individuals worthy of time and attention. We continue to buy in to the white supremacist, patriarchal. capitalist mindset that tells us in order to be considered a person of value and worth we must show we agree with the purchases we make. From suits to collared shirts, from heels to make up, we change who we are to fit the narrative that says we are worthy.

I am not saying that everyone is of the mindset to change who they are through consumption of the unnecessary; shit, I’ve been known to purchase more than a few useless items that I thought were pretty. But I also understand the source of my actions many times over. I am honest with myself about why I do what I do and what narratives I have bought into. I am actively working to resist, reroute the streets of my mind, and decolonize metaphorically what has been physically snatched. But those who don’t self examine make no choices for themselves, only the ones that they have been told to make, through conscious or subconscious means.

Wearing a tutu and fishnets says that she can perform the functions of her job without hindrance. Wearing a bodysuit shows that she is serious about her job and her health. Being told no is not a function of maintaining the sanctity and traditions of the sport. It is about maintaining the cishet white male gaze in the arena. To allow perverts to get their rocks off in rising skirts. Banning a catsuit is not about athleticism as it is about the idea of propriety and if they are seeing too much body to be titillated by the rising of skirts. Denying a Black women a catsuit and banning it from future use is a desire to do what they know would be of detriment to them. After all they don’t want to raise their flag of white supremacy too high. They don’t want to truly utter what they mean. What they mean to ban in her black catsuit is her Black self. What they want to say is “You aren’t welcome.” What they wish they could do is ban Serena. I get it. It hurts to have someone you think is beneath your superiority come to your own house and school you in the ways of holding shit together. It’s exhausting that no matter how hard you try to beat someone you deem beneath you by race and sex, you are not even second best. It hurts. So your plan? Kill her. You plan is to make it so she cannot have what she needs while you disguise it in pretty rhetoric about traditions.

We do the same daily with how we judge people on how they dress. With classist traditions about what you can wear and when. About how you are allowed to appear in the spaces that white people wish you would remain out of. So they change the rules, they move the marker. And instead of saying fuck it and fuck you, you bend. They have you by the balls after all. They dictate your ability to get and keep a job through power. They redline you out of neighborhoods. They allow their white brethren to swarm into what was once your own damn neighborhood and make you feel unwelcome and under threat of violence. We chip away daily at who we are and what we could be under the guise of traditional workplace clothes.

White women dress to prove themselves worthy of their white male counterparts. And everyone else follows suit hoping to be noticed. Hoping to be picked. Hoping to be a model enough minority to gain power to wield against others. We work in the machine. We keep white supremacy going. We allow politics of respectability to take center stage from fear and hunger. We police ourselves and then police others. Except today. Today, you praise the audacity of Serena. Tomorrow, you’ll condemn the person who came to work wearing jeans.

..or I guess now, you can keep talking sh!t because you now feel Serena behaved badly. It seems we are almost out of Krispy Kremes.

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Black Sex(uality) Matters Merch!

So several things were said in this one!

1. learn more about Mercedes Samudio

2. Get a copy of Shame Proof Parenting

3. Subscribe to the blog!

As always you can check out Dr. O’s Sex Toolkit and find all kinds of goodies.

If you want to get on my schedule you can do that here!

To hire me for speaking engagements including but not limited to keynotes, workshops, and trainings, you can click here to email me!

Several things were mentioned here including a book and a webinar. Both can be accessed with the links below :)

1. Michelle Hope is the author of A Girls Gide to Sex Education which is the awesome book reviewed in this blog post!

2. Sex Talk: Parent Edition is a webinar for parents and caregivers to help along that journey of speaking to the kiddos about sex and sexuality. It can be hard, but I’ve got your back. Take $20 off with the code STPE2018

3. Nope, I didn’t forget about the boys, I will be on the look out for a book that speaks to boys the same way this one is supposed to speak to girls. 😁

1. If you are looking for the last past called Do You Even Love You? Then you can find that here!

2. Want to get on my schedule? Here is your chance! Relationship coaching and therapy is only a few clicks away!

3. Want some free advice more often? Check me out on Instagram. I go LIVE every Tuesday around 9:30pm to talk more about…well…sex and relationships in Sex Talk After Dark.

4. Subscribe to the blog!

A few things were mentioned in this week’s blog post. So here are the link for you folk who aren’t on Annodright.com

1. AnnodRight Instagram Feel free to follow me here. I post all kinds of goodies throughout the week :)

2. A gratitude jar is a jar you would use to put in notes to yourself about things you are grateful for throughout the week. I started mine in January and take time around December to read the notes to myself so I can reflect back on the year and plan for the next year. Yes, I will be doing a class on it and goal planning for your mental health. You can sign up for email notifications here, and no I won’t spam you, I’m not into that.

3. Books books and more books! You can probably tell I read a lot. In this I mention affirmation books, and an All About Me book. Both can be found on the Annodright Amazon page (yes I get a little kickback, but can a girl get a dollar?)

4. Looking for a therapist? Here is the link to get on my schedule (hurry, spaces are fulling up fast and I will soon have a waiting list for the stragglers).

Looking for someone closer to home? No Problem! There is a whole directory out there for you called Therapy For Black Girls

If you feel some type of way about this blog post, please Kindly check in with you before you come for me. But feel free to send an email or comment in the comment section of the blog on Annodright.com

See you next week!