The last time we dipped into the science fiction end of vampirism, it was humans using science as a response to vampirism in Ultraviolet. Now it’s the vampire’s turn, using technology to shape the world around them as half the day proves lethal and humanity’s numbers dwindle.

Okay, so it does kind of devolve into standard action movie at the end, and it certainly could do better with its female characters and characters of colour, and it most definitely would have made a better TV show than a movie. But it’s a movie that got us thinking about the implications of such a world, the consequences of vampire domination, and the way people might cling to and yet deny their past humanity.

Also it has evil corporate vampire Sam Neill, which is more than enough to save it from being another movie about a vampire named Edward.

Title: Hostile Takeover

Some things we have liked. Some things we didn’t. And some things were Eclipse.

But behold, the movie that feels like it was made for us, a high-brow Cannes award winner that just gets us.

Sure, there’s awkward sex, awkward men, awkward ghosts, awkward ghost men interrupting awkward sex, but we’ve also got religion, power within families, moral quandaries, a dude drinking from another dude’s IV, women finding power, and (of course) vampires.

(Just not the pus we were promised in last month’s starred review.)

Title: Bleeding My Religion

Sometimes there is such a thing worse than being bad: it’s being nothing. And in this case, taking some interesting ideas and squandering them. Yes, we totally noticed you dropped that plotline there, move.

Take BBC’s adaptation of Dracula back in 2006. Raiding the BBC period costume closet may seem like a good idea, but looking at a text and thinking, “You know what this needs? More men whining about their genitals” is most certainly not. And an even worse idea: make the whole thing boring.

Oh, and don’t google syphilis.

Title: Bad Medicine

Behold, the Id of the great director Quentin Tarantino – there’s more feet than you can shake a stake at! Also boobs, discussion of toxic masculinity, feet, boobs, the monstrous feminine, two plots smushed together, feet, some more tits, discussion of sexual violence and the men who perpetrate it, the lack of development of female characters, and breasts. And feet.

We had some issues with recording, so apologise in advance for the sound quality.

Title: Tarantino: The Id

Full title: Total Eclipse of the Plot, Characterisation, World-Building, and Everything That Isn’t Bella and Edward

Or, in short: Fuck. This. Book.

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Title: Total Eclipse of the Plot

Let’s be real for a moment: you’re only here because Idris Elba is in it, aren’t you? Well regardless we’re glad you’ve tuned into Ultraviolet, a six episode BBC series from the 90s with a very scientific and police procedural approach to vampires. Think The Bill with vampires. And that guy from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. But a thousand times more bleak than you’d expect, tackling vampiric takes on environmentalism, abortion, and paedophilia.

(Plus it proves once again that you can’t just be in one vampire film or TV show – be prepared for a Stephen Moyer with his original accent, not a forced Southern one. So when’s our next Idris Elba vampire story, guys?)

Title: Undead Science

Just when you thought teenagers couldn’t be even more asshole-ish, someone decided to give them fangs – and mullets. These vampires aren’t going to high school to pick up girls way younger than them – if they ever did set foot in a high school, it’d be to pause their motorbikes in a cool 80s pose before riding away after causing an incredible amount of mess for the poor janitor.

Teen rebels gotta rebel, right?

So grab your copy of Peter Pan, prepare for jokes about bat nipples and weird poster choices, and keep an eye on a closet full of beavers because we’re headed to the mullet – I mean murder – capital of the world.

Title: Mullet-Sexual

Take the granddaddy of all vampire books, adding a director in desperate need of a hit and the screenwriter for Hook. Combine with actors who all think they are filming different movies, copious amounts of alcohol, and hot air balloon adventures. Finally top with operatic costumes, an unneeded romantic subplot, and a gorgeous score. And boobs. Lots of boobs.

Congrats: you have made Bram Stoker’s Dracula!

(And yes, we have heard the news about the upcoming Dracula adaptation. And yes, we have Opinions.)

Title: Jesus Christ, Van Helsing!

In the Iranian ghost-town of Bad Town, the living are trapped and the dead… skateboard? Described as the first “Persian-language American vampire western film”, A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is made of so many more genres and so many more influences than even we could fit into a(n admittedly rather short) episode.

Also, Dracula is high as [censored].

Title: Skater Vamp

It’s our second fangiversary, so let’s celebrate by taking a trip not down under but down south, one step out of urban fantasy and into a small town where everyone is ridiculously good-looking and willing to get naked.

What began as a paranormal mystery series by a cozy mystery writer became an HBO extravaganza, while our attempt at sticking to just the first book/season became something that jumped around a lot.

So prepare yourself for discussions about mystery novels and book-to-TV conversions, how a gay rights metaphor doesn’t quite work, disposable women (yes, them again) and the vilification of sex, and more naked Skarsgards than you can shake an unused modesty sock at.

Title: God Hates Fangs