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Welcome to the performance wagon episode! We’ve got Jason’s blue E30 325i Touring in the garage as we discuss a pair of long-roof autobahn bruisers: the G99 BMW M5 Touring and C8 Audi RS6 Avant Performance. With the cancellation of Porsche’s Panamera Sport Turismo, we turn to Porsche’s top-spec suppository in its stead: the Panamera Turbo S E-Hybrid. And, similarly, with the E63 wagon gone, we’ll review the Mercedes-AMG S63 E Performance to tide us over until the new E53 wagon arrives.

Starting with the brand new BMW M5 Touring: a letdown as serious as its curb weight. A twin-turbo hot-vee V-8 alongside some EV juice dolls out 717 hp, but long before you’re able to stretch its legs the suspension will have you nauseous. It heaves and lunges over road imperfections, and the rear-wheel steering makes it feel like you're perpetually entering the D dimension. Even with new, chunky-sidewalled Pirelli P Zero R tires, the ride is harsh, and the suspension is blatantly unfinished. Do a hard launch and prepare for simultaneous – and yet somehow also out-of-phase – wheelspin and violent pogoing. Things aren’t much better styling-wise – the front-end treatment is positively hideous, and there’s comparatively little backseat and cargo room next to the Audi. Overall, a huge let down, and a far cry from the delightful G80 M3 (buck teeth aside). Sadly, it will be a long, long while before we can import the G80 M3 Touring. However, it’s worth noting that early M products have had teething issues before (including the beloved E90 M3). Jason suggests waiting for the arrival of the Competition Pack, but you’ll still be stuck with a gaudy interior and byzantine infotainment system.

The Audi RS6 Performance on the other hand is an absolute delight and unexpectedly fabulous. Without the bulk of hybrid batteries, the Audi weighs in at 400 lbs lighter than the Bimmer. It’s all-around gorgeous – inside and out – and has loads of room for both passengers and cargo. Its steering is genuinely superior to the BMW’s and Jason dubs it the “best wagon in the world.”

As for the Porsche Panamera Turbo S E-Hybrid – it’s Bose’s 1990s dream realized. Jason heralds it as the most impressive suspension he’s ever felt – ever. Like if a Rolls-Royce could turn. It comes equipped with the same potent powertrain found in the Bentley Continental GT Speed and Flying Spur, which is so powerful it earned the Porsche the label of quickest 4-door ICE car ever (the 4-door electric monsters still have it beat – the Lucid Air Sapphire and Tesla Model S Plaid both run in the 9s).

And lastly, we have Mercedes-AMG S63 E Performance – a charmer. The interior is slightly gaudy but otherwise splendid. Our particular car’s cabin was a huge improvement over the Macanese bordellos of previous W223s and W222s. The convoluted and clunky drivetrain was an occasional annoyance (and has origins as far back as the first C43 and E63 wagon), but the Benz was mostly a delight to operate despite weighing more than a fully laden minivan – and 3000 lbs more than Jason’s E30. The boys wonder why Mercedes has refused to implement the types of suspensions Porsche and Ferrari figured out for their sports cars years ago that allow for ultra-smooth cruising without sacrificing handling. In any case, the S63’s ¼-mile time leaves Derek’s jaw on the floor.

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