Book Retorts

This week Sam shares the made for TV sequel, the 2006 movie The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines. After two very hefty media pieces (and even more hefty episodes) Sam thought a short, fluffy, made for TV movie would make a nice, easy episode, but we can all see how well that worked out for him. We catch up with Flynn (Noah Wyle), the titular librarian with 22 higher education degrees, out in Utah recovering a clairvoyant crystal skull from some truly incompetent artifact rustlers. While Flynn succeeds in this supposedly world-saving quest, Judson (magical Bob Newhart) is less than impressed with his recklessness. But there’s no time for skulls, as Flynn is off to a surprise birthday party thrown for him by his mother, who’s still trying to hook him up with random women, in this case a cousin. What happened to Nicole, the love interest from the previous movie? While The Librarian never provides an answer, Danielle and Sam cook up a theory involving her being removed from time by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which unbelievably somehow makes sense in context. On his way home, Flynn discovers his apartment has been ransacked by an evil dude looking for a scroll that was mailed to Flynn from Egypt. The evil guy manages to find the scroll and vamoose after leaving Flynn unconscious. After Judson revives him, he explains to Flynn that what was stolen was a map to King Solon’s Mines which contain his most magical and powerful artifacts. Luckily, to read the map you need a legend that’s safely hidden in Morocco. Instead of leaving it in safety, Flynn is tasked with recovering the legend first and, ideally, the map as well. So having learned nothing from the mistakes of the first film, Flynn jets off to meet up with a sexy archeologist who has even more degrees than he does, somehow. Together, they hope to recover the map, and the legend, and maybe just take a quick peek inside King Solomon’s Mines despite Judson’s clear instructions not to. Meanwhile, Sam hopes to be able to explain how this story has kept Flynn just as brainy, but also made him into way more of a moron somehow. Bottom line: we really miss Nicole.

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After tackling to very long books, Danielle and Sam need a break to recover. So, please enjoy this bonus episode about the Christopher Pike book Bury Me Deep that was released for our Patreon supporters. We’ll be back next week with your regularly scheduled nonsense!

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Danielle is here with the thrilling (confusing?) conclusion of the Jude Deveraux romance novel Legend. Kady is back from the 1870s and she’s determined to learn nothing from her time there. After suffering many more indignities at the hands of her fiancé and his mom, she finally grows a spine and dumps him after weeks of waffling. It’s at this point that a magical voice reminds her that, oh yeah, didn’t she have a quest to find the decedents of Ruth by some arbitrary deadline that’s now only three days away? So Kady books it to New York City where she has absolutely no trouble finding one C.T. Jordan, the descendant in question. He is a grown man who runs a non-specific business, wears all black, and loves playing with his knife and sword collection. Kady busts into his office uninvited and he is extremely unhappy to see her and is (justifiably) rude to her. So of course, Kady is totally into him since she has the best taste in men. It turns out that since Kady has found him in time Ruth has bequeathed her all the Jordan family fortune in a will from over a hundred years ago; something so nonsensical it breaks Sam’s brain slightly. Instead of taking the money and running, Kady is determined to head back to the Colorado town of Legend to find the time portal and somehow save Cole (her erstwhile kidnapper) from being killed as a child in a robbery. C.T. is rightly skeptical of her, but quickly loses all likability when he follows her to Legend and arranges for her to be shot at so she’ll agree to work with him so that he can get into her pants, despite that he already has a fiancé and that Kady already invited him along in the first place but he declined making all his subterfuge pointless. At this point, Sam needs a drink. Also, C.T. has two cousins in the now ghost town of Legend: one is a law student wearing nothing but overalls, and the other rides a motorcycle off-road on the mountains of Colorado, and C.T. kinda makes out with that one. All this leads to Kady sleeping with C.T. (just the best taste in men) before engaging in more time-travel shenanigans so poorly thought out as to defy explanation. All that really matters is that Kady learns a valuable lesson by the end of the book: What’s most important is that she can serve the men in her life. Seriously, she has the worst taste in men.

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This week Danielle whisks us to a world of romance and fantasy in the Jude Deveraux novel Legend. Meet Kady, your average successful, attractive professional chef with no sense of self-worth. She’s engaged to Gregory, an obvious misogynist and whose mother owns the restaurant where Kady works, so it’s a perfect match. Fortunately for Kady, she happens across an improbably large flour tin. Upon opening the tin Kady finds a perfectly sized wedding dress from over a hundred years ago along with shoes and accoutrements, all somehow stuffed into that flour tin without damage. Bafflingly to Sam, Kady immediately puts the dress which opens a portal which Kady immediately goes though. She now finds herself in 1870s Colorado and sees a man being hanged by three other people. Leaping to the unsubstantiated conclusion that she must save this man and the other three are evil, Kady, still in her poofy wedding dress fights them off and takes the unconscious, half-choked man down and then goes to bed. Kady wakes up to this strange man making out with her and just accepts his explanation that he thought she was angel. The man, Cole, immediately proposes marriage which Kady refuses (yay!) but after she can’t find a job in the nearby town she takes him up on his offer (boo!). This begins a portion of the book involving the obligatory long looks, breathless almost make outs, and Kady having several opportunities to return home, but feeling just too darn torn to go back through the portal because Cole is too dreamy. Even when Cole imprisons her in his estate, Kady decides to stay and cook a massive feast since apparently she can’t leave but does have complete control over his finances. Also, Kady has been dreaming of an Arabian man with a veiled face every week since she was a child, and you might think this would be important, but the only important thing Sam can focus on is how terrible Kady’s taste in men is and WHAT SIZE IS THAT FREAKING FLOUR TIN?

Be sure to check out I Drink Your Podcast, especially the Fish Tank episode featuring Danielle and Sam. You can find them on Twitter @IDYP_Podcast, Instagram @idyp_podcast, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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It’s finally here, the finale of the Matt Ruff novel Fool on the Hill. We did it. With Preacher dead, George and Aurora Borealis Smith return to Cornell to attend the wake, where George is asked to read a story, since apparently he’s the only person who matters in the world even though he’s never shown to have even so much as spoken to Preacher. Luther, meanwhile, is traveling back on foot and having hallucinations about Dragon, who has escaped from a research facility and is murdering his way towards Blackjack to get revenge for some reason. Also meanwhile, sprites have started going missing (which no one seems to care about) and after he’s attacked, Hamlet pretends to be dead along with Puck, which they inexplicably think is a better idea than just telling the other sprites that Rasferret’s probably back.Jinsei and Ragnarock have reconciled as friends and are spending time together when they’re attacked by a semi-truck full of pigs being possessed by Rasferret who just really wants to kill Jinsei for some reason. Some fancy motorcycle work by Ragnarock allows them to escape, but not without some trauma. As the Ides of March approach, Mr. Sunshine decides to wreak havoc with a magical cloud of chaos inducing rain which leads to Jack Barron (remember him?) smashing up Ragnarock’s house and motorcycle with a sledge hammer which causes Ragnarock to go into a murderous rage that actually doesn’t lead anywhere for a while (we swear, we’re making this as clear as I can). First, though, the dogs on campus have to deal with purebred/mutt tensions caused by a mysterious murder of a dog on campus. Also, Aurora Borealis Smith bites into a magic apple left in a basket of rotting fruit at George’s house and is immediately Snow Whited into a deep sleep. Distraught, George is summoned to the Boneyard where Mr. Sunshine reveals himself as the “storyteller” orchestrating everything, and George seems pretty cool with it to be honest. With the Day of the Green Dragon Parade upon them can George defeat the dragon and save the princess? Will Dragon (the other one, the dog) kill Blackjack and Luther? Will Ragnarok ever get to fight Jack Barron? All that can be said for sure is that, while none of these story elements will meaningfully interact, at least we get the joy of the return of the Rubbermaid!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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This week Sam continues his deep dive into the 1988 Matt Ruff novel Fool on the Hill. This part opens with the thing everyone is most excited about: Hallowe’en! But not everything goes smoothly as George and Aurora Borealis Smith get lost in the foggy, underground woods of Tolkien house and end up accidentally making-out since they apparently can’t tell each other apart from their respective actual romantic partners. After the party Jinsei and Preacher decide to date after Jinsei says she sees Ragnarock as just a friend. Due to a truly pathetic attempt at discretion, Ragnarock finds out immediately and is not happy. Meanwhile, Luther engages in dog philosophy that is mostly pun based, and thus Sam skips it almost entirely. Meanwhile, Calliope sets George up to outwit a crazed physics student with a supposed bomb, and after George defuses the situation with wind and a cowboy hat, Calliope vanishes leaving George bereft. Miserable, George goes out into the snow and almost freezes to death before being rescued by a premonition-having Aurora Borealis Smith. At the hospital, Aurora Borealis Smith confesses her love to George, and they head back to Wisconsin, with Luther, to enjoy the holiday. Meanwhile, the evil from the Boneyard has been released in the form of Rasferret the Grub, a gross creature that kills for no apparent reason. On New Year’s, Rasferret decides to try out killing again by animating the sex doll from Tolkien house and having it just wreck Preacher, killing him instantly. Jinsei, however, manages to escape with the capricious intervention of Mr. Sunshine. Still in Wisconsin, George and Aurora Borealis Smith enjoy their time, but the specter of Old Moses appears to Luther, telling him he must, again, set off on foot to Cornell for reasons that are not in the least bit apparent. Part three wraps up with the Ides of March looming closer, but if this summary makes no sense to you, don’t worry, it makes even less sense once fully explained.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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This week Sam brings part two of the Matt Ruff novel Fool on the Hill! After a long part one of introducing characters, get ready for an even longer part two! A semblance of a plot starts to take shape as George and his Bohemian friends hang out with the Blue Zebra Hooter Patrol, a group that, as far as Sam can tell, is entirely unimportant to the story. Meanwhile, the sprites conduct a raid on the animal lab to free the guinea pigs among others. However, during this raid they accidentally release giant rats which manage to kill several sprites, lead by an evil rat named Thresh. I’m sure we’ll get back to him later. Much later. The dogs, meanwhile, are having convocation, and Luther learns of the five questions that guide their philosophy, one of which asks which is the best breed of dog. Luther is disturbed that maybe this isn’t heaven if there’s still racism (breedism?) here. Finally, due to a chemical truck accident and the appearance of Calliope in his house, George finally gets laid. This goes on for some time. While he’s busy, the Bohemians are invited to become honorary members of the dorkiest frat on campus: Tolkien House, which is exactly what it sounds like, only they live in an actual magic castle complete with bottomless pit and underground forest. One of the presidents of Tolkien house has invited the Bohemians to join so he can meet one of their members he has a crush on, instead of just talking to her like a normal human, a plan that does nothing to dispel their dorkiness. Later, Jinsei is attacked at a school dance by Jack Barron and his goons from the RAT frat, but is saved by Ragnarok riding his motorcycle out of the dance hall, which he apparently brought into the dance hall for a reason neither Sam nor Danielle can fathom. Finally, a bunch of characters have dreams, one of whom is George who fights a dragon while Calliope teaches him to “write without paper”. Here’s a list of other things that are in this chapter taken completely out of context: A child repellent egg, doggy brothel, really bad relationship decisions, and Danielle’s new favorite word Hallowe’en!

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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This week Sam starts an epic journey with Danielle with part one of the 1988 Matt Ruff novel Fool on the Hill. Meet Stephen Titus George, a 23 year-old massively successful author who’s now a writer in residence at Cornell University. George fuels his creativity with the frustration and pain of not being able to get laid for the past seven years. However, a mysterious Greek Original named Mr. Sunshine has been weaving a tale using reality for centuries, and George is his chosen hero of the story. Also, just to make things more complicated, there are invisible sprites that live on the Cornell campus, one of whom, Zephyr, is crushing on George, mostly to spite her unfaithful boyfriend Puck, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Zephyr decides to follow George after one of his kite flying jaunts as he heads to the local graveyard to take inspiration from the gravestones. Here, George visits one of his favorite spots, an eerie place with a strange stone set in the ground inscribed with PANDORA. Meanwhile, a cat named Blackjack is dragged along on a quest by his dog friend Luther, as Luther insists he can smell heaven and needs to go there to find his dead friend. It should be mentioned that animals in this world communicate telepathically and some can even see the future, but that won’t actually come into play in any way. Blackjack and Luther encounter a pack of racist purebred dogs in the the suburbs who try to kill them, but they escape as dog catchers start tranquilizing and murdering the evil dogs. Also meanwhile, a girl named Aurora Borealis Smith is heading back to Cornell from Wisconsin with her boyfriend who is kinda a square. Eventually they meet up with George, an old friend, and after they leave, a random man named Wax tells George to steal her from her boyfriend. Also also meanwhile, a mystical lady named Calliope is on her way from Delaware to break George’s heart so as to inspire him to greatness at the behest of Mr. Sunshine. Lastly, meanwhile, the Bohemians, the self-proclaimed guardians of non-conformity at Cornell, are riding horses on a pilgrimage back to the school. The horses were purchased by their wealthy leader Lion-Heart so all his friends could role play, and Sam really begins to question their counterculture credentials. Eventually, all these parties meet back up at Cornell University, including Blackjack and Luther who is convinced Cornell is, in fact, heaven. With this massive bit of character introduction done, Sam raps up this part just before the actual plot is about to begin, so tune in next time to hopefully find out just what the heck is going on.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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This week Danielle shares the conclusion of the 2021 K-drama The Man’s Voice. As we pick up from last week, the mysterious woman with cat revenge fantasies, Jenna, has been visiting a detective agency to gather information on her romantic rival Mi Rim. Meanwhile, Tae Hwa takes Mi Rim out for some day drinking followed by a day trip to Busan using his pilot powers. Towards the end of the night, Tae Hwa flips a bottle cap to decide if they’ll spend the night in the city, but unsurprisingly, Mi Rim decides to ignore the bottle cap and call it a night. Also, there’s supposedly a talking cat in the show, but no one seems to care about Natsume while out on the town. A few days later Mi Rim is interviewing for a job, which is something that is apparently a plot, but since the show decides this plot line isn’t important, we won’t say any more about it here. Mi rim is also continuing to watch Natsume who is still hurling abuse at her for no apparent reason. Everything is going well when Jenna inserts herself back into Tae Hwa’s life, and through a series of sit-com level misunderstandings Mi Rim becomes convinced Tae Hwa, who she’s had all of two dates with, is cheating on her and refuses to see him again. This leads to an interminable period of the show for Sam where Mi Rim spends weeks mourning the loss of her relationship that consisted of, and this cannot be over-stressed, two whole dates. Tae Hwa, meanwhile, handles the breakup by stalking Mi Rim’s house in a vain attempt to run into her, instead of just going to the place he knows she works. During Tae Hwa’s next flight, Jenna decides to put her cat revenge plans into action by…having the cat hotel bathe the cat too much; simply diabolical. Taw Hwa is also grappling with the choice whether to accept a new, and better, job, but doing so would mean he’d have to leave Mi Rim, the woman he is not dating and who doesn’t want anything to do with him. Will Jenna’s evil cat revenge plan work? Will Tae Hwa and Mi Rim ever reconcile? How does a cat based version of The Parent Trap factor into all this? You’ll have to listen to find out, but one thing is clear: Sam in convinced everyone is this show is actually a serial killer.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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K-dramas are back as Danielle brings Sam another K-drama rom-com with the 2021 show The Man’s Voice. Mi Rim is a normal young woman working in a convenience store and pining over the handsome co-pilot who occasionally comes by to shop. Through a series of contrivances (primarily the pet hotel being closed for a day) the co-pilot, Tae Hwa, is left with no one to watch his large, fluffy white cat. Inexplicably, Tae Hwa decides leaving his cat with the virtual stranger Mi Rim is the best option. As Tae Hwa jets off to Paris, Mi Rim takes the cat home but it quickly escapes into the night. Mi Rim catches it just as a storm rolls in and she is struck with lightning and her skeleton is illuminated like a cartoon. Instead of doing the sensible thing and dying, Mi Rim wakes up the next day, the cat sitting beside her, and suddenly she is able to hear the cat’s voice in her head. The cat, in the voice of a middle aged man, proceeds to abuse Mi Rim to no end, and rather than simply exerting her authority as the human part of this relationship, she rolls just over and takes that abuse. Meanwhile, Tae Hwa calls and texts Mi Rim from the plane he is supposed to be flying, to check in on his cat which, again, he left with a complete stranger. The cat, Natsume, is dead-set against Mi Rim’s designs on Tae Hwa, and manages to outwit her several times, even though he’s a cat and she’s a human. As the first half of the series draws to a close, a new character makes an appearance: A mysterious woman who demands “Revenge on the cat!” What does any of this mean? Maybe part two will explain it. Maybe.

Theme: Earning Happiness by John Bartmann.

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