You are a small child, but also an accomplished paranormal investigator, computer hacker, driver, and cell phone collector. Your latest case takes you to an old prison overrun with monkeys (some would say apes) and shadowy conspiracies. Will you get away with knife-murdering that guy on the front lawn? Will you impress your sycophantic friends? And will it turn out that your old nemesis Spider Ghost is behind everything?

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Off-week special-guest bonus episode!

Your uncle has found the secret to infinite energy, but to unlock it he needs to fly you, a child, across the ocean and abandon you at the airport into a Taken scenario. Will you die chained to a radiator? Will you die from the live snakes room service likes to drop off in the middle of the night? Will you even see a goddamn pyramid?

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Your parents have abandoned you to a cabal of sinister crones and a crab. One night you encounter a surly and unlikeable mermaid who wants help finding the "friends" that evidently left her to die. Will you find the mermaid cove? Will you just drown? Will you make some gross sound effects with your mouth that irreparably derail the narrative?

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It's a BYOA double feature!

You're alone in the attic with a serial killer when you find a magical artifact. Will you use it to bully other children? That's the only option, so yes, you will. Content warning: intimate ASMR experience.

You're watching your aunt get exploited by her toxic Hollywood coworkers when you're offered the chance to jump off a cliff! Don't worry, you're safely protected against labor laws because this role is completely uncredited!

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You and an obnoxiously large group of randos have crashed a bustling underground spider party. You're in the Underdank, where the dragons are frisky, the burglars are unionized, and the economy is all favors and eggs. Will you ever see the surface again? Or will you just chill with these mushroom dudes until Demogorgon arrives and eats everyone?

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While fleeing your nuisance cousin, you stumble into another Cave of Time (TM) -- now you're at the first Olympic games (or 120th, depends on the calendar)! Will you race a chariot? Will you wrestle? Will you get pulled into some side-quest garbage and actually end up not doing any Olympics? You're about to find out. SPECIAL WARNING: This episode contains many, many Star Fox secrets.

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You are exploring the Underground Kingdom, a place of incredible sights, magical creatures, and inexplicable feelings of warmth. Off-camera, you have probably done some drugs, some very good drugs. Will you trick an angel-eyed bird into committing infanticide? Will you trick two native tribes into brutally murdering each other? Why are you always ruining things? Why can't you, for once, just be cool?

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You’re a hot-shot space captain who nearly lost his ship in the Void of Nero — but because you’re a human, and everyone around you is some kind of filthy Martian or suspicious robot, you’ve still got command. When the EVIL POWER MASTER strikes, will your Terran Privilege be enough to save the day? Will you shoot your frail body into the vacuum of space like the galaxy’s least-effective torpedo? Will Sartan ever look past your foibles and give you a chance at love? You’re about to find out. Good luck.

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You are on an expedition of crippling self-doubt to the Himalayas, where your friend Carlos was likely murdered by mythical creatures with access to medieval artillery. Can you navigate the oppressive bureaucracy of Nepal and your own existential crises long enough to trip balls on some yak butter tea with your new friend, Bigfoot? Will you end up wishing you hadn't? Are you sure? Are you definitely positively sure? Are you?

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Taking a routine May-December group date to Mexico turns from ominous to onerous when you have to trek across the dunes to pull your dumb ass friends out of a plane crash. Mr. Peter may have the best condies and Slee Jees, but that won't save him from these gravely-voiced thugs with their desert Jeeps and sunbathing. Expect strong winds and even stronger hormones.

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