Breaker Whiskey

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click, static] [beeps]

Alright, goddammit, my curiosity got the best of me. I translated your fucking message.

[click, static]

Sorry, I don’t mean to be—

[click, static]

If I’m right, you said: “Sorry. Can’t speak. No voice.”

[click, static]

Which...well, aren’t I the asshole? I didn’t—I didn’t know. Obviously. How could I have?

I’m not sure—I don’t know exactly what you mean by that. If you just don’t have anything—a mic or any PTT device—to speak into or if there’s something...if you can’t speak, physically. I don’t want to assume. It’s none of my business really and I didn’t mean to make you feel—

[click, static]

If I had known, I wouldn’t’ve acted that way, I don’t think. I wouldn’t be cruel about something you can’t control. God, I hope I wouldn’t be.

So...you don’t have to tell me more. Not about that. But I would like to know more, if I could. About—

[click, static]

God, about anything. Anything you could tell me about you or the way you’ve spent the last six years or the view outside your window... whatever.

[click, static]

And I guess...I can keep talking too. I’m still— [click, static]

Look, I’m not thrilled with this situation. But it’s not like we’re talking on a private channel—even if I wasn’t talking to you, I’d be talking. Clearly I can’t stop.

That’s all to say—if you have questions. Well. Maybe I can answer them. Not that I feel like I have any answers.

[click, static]

Alright, well, yeah. I’m sorry. For the other week. But, uh, thanks for being honest with me, I guess. Or, I assume you’re being honest, I guess a lot of this is a leap of faith. But what else is there these days?

[click, static]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click, static]

It’s been almost two months since I left. [click, static]

Time has sort of lost meaning in a lot of ways these past few years. The seasons always give the year shape, but there’s no other structure to each day or each week or each month. The first few days I was driving, I kept track of how many miles I logged each day. I’m not bothering with that now.

[click, static]

I think it’s really starting to hit me that I’ll never see Harry again. [click, static]

I’m not...I’m not sad about that. Don’t get it twisted, I’m glad to be out of there, glad to be rid of her, even if it means I’m on my own but I’m...

I’m something. [click, static]

Wistful? No, that’s not it. I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I’m not regretful, but there’s a certain...a certain pit in my stomach at the thought.

[click, static]

I’d like to think that it’s just because the idea of never seeing Harry again makes me wonder if I’ll ever see anyone ever again, but there’s no point in lying to myself or to you, whoever might be listening, so I have to admit that it’s not entirely not about her, you know?

[click, static]

It wasn’t all miserable. If I could go back and do things differently, I absolutely one hundred percent would, but it wasn’t all terrible. There’s that symbiotic bond that forms out of what we went through. I don’t think it’s a particularly healthy one, or even an at all nice one, but it’s there. And it’s...specific.

[click, static]

Like the haircuts. Or when I’d paint her nails because she never got the hang of doing her right hand herself. We shared a house, the same two shitty winter coats we had, the one pair of snow boots we found. We shared every meal, always cooking enough for two. Every problem, every little victory...all of them were ours, even in the times when we were barely speaking to each other.

I’ve found myself wondering if she stayed. I have to think she did, that she’s still there, in that house, with all her paintings and her garden and the chickens. Because that was part of the problem, wasn’t it? She never wanted to leave, never wanted to venture outside the boundary we’d drawn for ourselves back when it seemed like our past catching up to us was inevitable.

So of course she stays. She’ll probably die in that house. [click, static]

It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I said I wasn’t going back and I’m not. I’m not going back.

[click, static]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[beeps] [click, static]

Breaker, breaker, this is Whiskey driving up and down the Mississippi, currently in...

[click, static] [beeps]

[click]

Uh, Rosedale? [click, static] [beeps]

[click]

Wait, no, that’s the Mississippi side. [click, static]

[beeps]

[click]

I’m in Arkansas. I think. I’ve never been to Arkansas before. I wonder if I’ll get to all forty eight contiguous states on this little trip of mine. I don’t see why I couldn’t.

[click, static] [beeps] [click]

Hell, I could even drive all the way up to Alaska if I wanted! Maybe there are people in Canada.

[click, static] [beeps] [click]

Goddammit, do I have to switch channels again? I told you, I’m done. I haven’t decoded whatever message it is you’re sending, so you might as well just stop.

I’m not interested in what you have to say. [click, static, click]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click]

Breaker, breaker this is Whiskey Alpha Romeo…officially West of the Mississippi. Now, hopefully I’ll really stand out on these airwaves as the only one with a W-call sign. 

[click]

Just a little joke with myself. 

[click]

If you’re hearing this, please respond. 

[click]

I’m not always on this frequency—I’ve been changing channels a lot this week due to the lack of activity I’ve found on any of them—so if you try to radio back and don’t hear a response, then keep trying. I know I will. 

[click]

There’s got to be more people out there. Maybe not a lot of people have radios, or know how to work them, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be found. I’ve mostly been sticking to the major highways and rolling through bigger cities, but maybe everyone had the same idea and decided to retreat into rural life. So I’m gonna spend some time really going through the small towns, stopping, having a look around. That means I won’t have my radio on me at all times, but I’ll always make sure to crank the PA up when I’m out of my car, so I can at least hear something that comes up

[click]

You know, when I first got into my car and drove away from—from where I’d been, it felt like that moment six years ago when Harry and I realized we’d really done it. The feeling of air rushing into your lungs because you’re on the edge of something that you couldn’t predict, but the uncertainty doesn’t matter, because the most important thing is that you’ve left that other thing behind. 

The getting away is the thing. The going on is a problem for future you. And future you has the beautiful freedom of possibility. So how could things ever feel worse than they do in that moment? The getting away is just the beginning, right?

It’s not like that in reality. The getting away is the best part. Because the future just stretches on and on and on—an infinite road leading nowhere. So the point must be to take in the sights as you go. Sure, there’s some interest along the way, but then you’re untethered after so many years of striving. Of scratching and clawing and muscling your way into something resembling a life—a life that is constantly putting your back against the wall because that’s how you like it. And now the road has not a single bump on it and all the trees that line it start to look the same and…

[click]

It shouldn’t have been easier. To live in the aftermath, it shouldn’t have been easier than the before. And it wasn’t at first—there was so much confusion, and the fear that someone would come knocking on our door any day. There was the figuring out how to get the old water pump working and hook up a generator and plant food and raise chickens and fix the roof when it started to leak. But that’s all…

[click]

I mean, how is that different from searching the ground for enough change to buy a hot meal? I was fifteen when I had to first truly fend for myself and, sure, maybe if I’d been fifteen when all of this happened, I would’ve died straight away. I never would have made it past all that rocky road. 

But the rough path felt longer before. And maybe that’s because I’m more experienced, more knowledgeable than I was at fifteen, maybe it’s because we got lucky, I don’t know. I mean, after all, we never got too sick or hurt that we couldn’t fix it ourselves. We were never without shelter or clean water or firewood. So it all felt easier. 

[click]

[for the rest of the transcript, please visit breakerwhiskey.tumblr.com]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click]

(inhale

[click]

I—

[click]

Look. I just can’t do it. That’s the thing. I can’t do this again. Stand face to face with someone — or frequency to frequency in this case — and ask for a meal only to get fed scraps. I can’t let my life be dictated by someone else’s agenda. That was the whole point of this entire endeavor—to stop doing that. 

[click]

So…it was nice knowing you, Birdie. But until you can be a bit more forthcoming with yourself, I’m gonna have to move on. Move on to what remains to be seen—but if you heard me, I have to believe you’re not the only one who can. 

Whiskey out. 

[click]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[beeps]

[click] 

Okay, so, maybe I was a little overconfident in my abilities. That did take me quite a bit of time to translate. But I think I got it: 

[click]

“Not safe to meet. You are safe. I am safe but far. Talk only on radio.” 

[click

I’m glad to hear that you’re safe and that I’m safe—I guess I’ll take your word for it. And you say you’re far…so either you’ve rigged your radio to somehow find and reach my frequency or this is all happening on skip. I guess that’s not really all that important at the end of the day. 

[click]

I’m not gonna offer to come to you, no matter how far you are, because I assume that you won’t tell me. Why isn’t it safe to meet? If we’re both safe…

[click]

I’m guessing you want me to drop this whole subject, huh? But you’ll understand why that’s a little hard for me, right? Why it might be just a little frustrating to find somebody after six years of no contact and that person doesn’t even want to talk to me—actually talk to me? Or…explain anything?

[click]

Here’s what I know. I’ve driven through and around seven states and not once have I seen any sign that somebody else is out here. Which makes no fucking sense, because I’m here and Harry’s here and you’re here and there’s no way that we’re the last three living human beings in America. 

[click]

Everything else is the same, far as I can tell. Things are overgrown a little, but not as much as I would’ve thought and there’s still birds and deer and squirrels and crops growing in fields like they’ve been self-propagating for the past six years, which—

[click]

I know fuck all about gardening, despite Harry’s efforts.

[click]

So I really need you to talk to me, actually talk to me. I’m in Louisiana now and I really will drive anywhere. And if you really think it isn’t safe to meet, then at least give me something, some indication that you’re real and that there’s more people out there, or that you know what happened. I need something and this cryptic dot and dash bullshit is gonna get old quickly. 

[click]

If you can’t do that, then I’m not sure what we’re doing here, you know? What’s the point of it? I’ve had enough empty human interaction to last three lifetimes. I’m not looking for a penpal, or a voice in the dark. If you don’t have any interest in actually connecting, then we can both go back to being alone, okay?

[click]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click]

[beeps]

What does that mean “not safe”? You’re not safe? I’m not safe? The place you’re in isn’t safe, it’s not safe to meet, it’s not safe to say where you are? What?

[click]

….

[click]

Sorry, I’m not—I’m not trying to come off as…difficult or angry or demanding. I know how irritating it is to have someone order you to respond right now when you maybe don’t know what to say or even what you feel about a certain thing. That’s not what I want to do to you, so— 

[click]

But you can understand my concern. It’s a…fucking cryptic message to send to somebody.

[click] 

Especially since, well, if I’m not safe, or if this frequency is unsafe, then should I stop broadcasting completely?

[click]

That hardly feels like the right course of action. Maybe I’ll…I’ll change channels, yeah? I don’t know if you remember the channel I used over the first few days—I don’t know if you even heard those broadcasts—but I’ll go back to that. And I guess I’ll just…trust that you’ll search through the channels until you find me. 

But, c’mon man, you’ve gotta give me more than “not safe”. I’ve got the full morse code alphabet with me, you don’t need to feel like you have to keep things short and sweet for my benefit. 

Alright, I guess I should…stop talking on this channel now. Please get back to me soon. 

Signing off. 

[click]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click]

[beeps]

Breaker, breaker, this is Whiskey calling out for Birdie.

I am so glad you’re still here. I got your new message—at least, I’m fairly certain it’s new, it sounds different. 

And I had a thought—I haven’t actually decoded it yet— I accidentally packed the morse code book underneath some stuff, so I’ll have to stop over to pull it out, which I guess I would need to do to translate it anyway. I might not be abiding by traffic laws, but listening to the CB, reading a book, and driving all at once genuinely might kill me. 

But anyway, the thought I had—I’m gonna pull over soon, but I was thinking, if you’re hearing this right now, change the message again. I’ve got an idea of how we could maybe have a real-time conversation, even through morse. We just need to be on at the same time. 

[click]

So I’m gonna get off the horn and let you transmit while I find a good spot to stop—not that there’s a bad spot, no one’s gonna get on me for stopping in the middle of the highway even—but, anyway, if you’re able get on and change the transmission while I’m driving, then I’ll know that you’re actually sitting in front of your radio and we can talk. Actually talk. 

Alright, Whiskey, going quiet. 

[click, static]

[beeps]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click, static]

I haven’t heard from you in a few days, which I’m hoping just means you’re trying to think of what to say and not that I scared you away by sharing every single thought that pops into my head. 

I think I got used to talking to no one in particular fast. Sure, I knew that everything I said on here could be heard—that was the whole point after all— but after only a few days of realizing how unlikely that was, it became very easy to slide into using the CB as my own personal sounding board. Or head shrinker or…I don’t know, if I believed in God, maybe this is how I would talk to Him. 

[click, static]

I know what you might be thinking—after everything, I still don’t think there’s some kind of higher power running the show? Well, sure, maybe God really did decide to pull another Noah and wipe out humanity, sparing a few, but if that was His plan, leaving me and Harry as the last standing pair doesn’t show the best forward thinking. Which, for someone who’s supposed to be omniscient, would be a little embarrassing. 

So, no, the world emptying out or everyone dying or the entire population deciding to play history’s most elaborate prank does not make me suddenly believe in the fairytale of God. If He wanted me to believe in me, he could come down here and tell me Himself. 

[click, static]

Speaking of direct communication—how’s that for a segue—you really don’t need to put so much thought into your messages, if that’s what you’re doing. I’m clearly not thinking of being particularly delicate or interesting—though I hope I’m at least interesting. If it’s a morse code issue…you know, trying to keep things short and sweet…then just let me know where you are. And then we can do away with the radio waves completely. 

So. Birdie. Where are you? Can we meet somewhere? You pick the time and place and I’ll be there, long as its on this continent. 

[click, static]

Whiskey out. 

[click, static] 

[beeps]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click, static]

You know how sometimes, your nose will catch a particular smell, sometimes out of nowhere, and you’ll just be thrown back in time? And there’ll be nothing else about where you are or what you’re doing that should be reminding you of when you were a kid, but that one smell is just so powerful, all of your other senses briefly take a backseat while you go on a trip you didn’t sign up for.

You’ll inhale that scent and suddenly you’re nine years old again, running out into the fields that surround your house even though you’re supposed to be helping your mom fold the laundry. Instead you go outside and you make more laundry, the hem of your skirt dusted in dirt, grass stains on the back of your pressed linen shirt. You smell that smell and it’s Sunday afternoon and you haven’t taken off your church clothes when you go sprinting off into the wilderness, even though that stiff collar makes you feel like you’re choking, because you don’t have any clothes that don’t suffocate you slowly, or at least not any your mother will let you wear. So feeling the ground underneath feet and the air rushing through your lungs as you run, run, run, that’s really…that’s pretty much the only way you know how to feel free. 

And you know you’ll have to go back in time for dinner. That your mother will complain about the state of your knees and the tangle of your hair and lament to your father about how she’s ever going to turn you into a respectable lady when you insist on going around the way that you do. And your father will laugh and say that you’re still a child, that you’ll grow out of it, become serious and proper and he winks at you like he knows that that’s not true. But you’ll agree with his words all the same, because there’s that part of you deep down that wants the tension in your mother’s shoulders just disappear. 

But that smell—that sunshine and grass and free and wild smell—will still be in your nose, forever, stronger even then the hot dinner your mother puts in front of you. 

And twenty-five years later you’ll wish you’d listened more, or that you’d really been in that kitchen instead of having your head in the clouds, because then maybe you would’ve appreciated the time you had with her, as frustrating as it could be. A whole quarter century later, you’ll be driving down an empty highway at the end of the world with the windows rolled down, in a state you’ve never really been in before, on a road you’ve never driven, and you’ll realize that you are finally truly free. Free in a way you never thought you could be—free from the starched collars and the rent bills and the locked doors. Free to roam as far as you’d ever want to, except this time, you know there’s no one waiting to put a hot plate of food in front of you. You have no way of ever going home again. 

Tennessee in the morning smells like that. 

[click, static]

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.