Breaking the Boy Code

Season four of Breaking the Boy Code is a collaborative project with a group of five students at a nearby middle school. Together with my friend and past colleague Adrian, we engage the boys—seventh-graders Betsa and Siddig, who identify as Congolese and Sudanese; and eighth-graders Aksayan, Yoel and Kamari, who are Sri Lankan, Eritrean, and Jamaican part Indigenous—in a series of discussions on the intersection of masculinity and race.

This week, the boys talk about gender norms and how they impact boys who look like them. They unpack the difference between the ‘boy code’ and the ‘bro code’ and what they mean for boys’ friendships—highlighting both the positive aspects, such as bringing friends closer and providing emotional support, and the negative aspects, like ego issues or not having each other's backs in tough situations.

From restrictions on clothing choices to societal norms limiting emotional expression, the boys share personal stories and start exploring what it feels like to challenge these stereotypes.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

In the midst of everything that was going on, Louis ended up switching to a new school. That meant leaving behind his friendships, but it also offered an opportunity to set aside who had been in the past and try out a version of himself closer to the kind of young man he wanted to become. 

This is friendship, violence, shame and vulnerability—but more than anything else, Louis’ story is a story of transformation.

At a new school and among a new group of peers, Louis noticed a boy in his class who was being targeted and harassed for not fitting in. He risked his social status with his peers—and went behind the teacher’s back—to be the ally that his classmate desperately needed.

He still gets called a fag sometimes. 

But in the journey of discovering true friendship, aligning with his values and standing up for others, he developed social skills, toughness and an unparalleled clarity of purpose. 

This is the kind of young man our world needs. His story is the roadmap to get there.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

As his friends got out on probation and their victim started to recover, Louis was left to wrestle with immense and challenging feelings about what was going on. He felt guilty that he had hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He was afraid of losing a group of friends that had meant a lot to him. He felt helpless to stop them from perpetrating further violence.

He wanted to be better but he didn’t know how.

As he started seeking forgiveness and building a relationship with Matthew, he had to go through the challenge of forging a new friendship, and he had to figure out if it was still possible to hang out with guys whom he no longer trusted. Perhaps most importantly, he had to face himself. 

Listen to Louis unpack those feelings with me, and share from the heart about his uncertain experience of not being defined by his past, and instead being committed to his future.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

As Louis spent more time with his new group of friends, he started going along with them as they verbally harassed another classmate, Matthew. He figured it was no big deal, but things started to escalate when Matthew decided to tell their teacher what was going on. Louis’ friend group didn’t like getting snitched on, so they got into a fight with Matthew after school.

Matthew told on them again. Louis and his friends decided there was hell to pay, and assaulted him so badly he went to the hospital with four broken ribs and had to be monitored for lung damage. This time, Matthew pressed charges.

Sit with Louis as he wrestles with the feelings that started weighing on him in the weeks that followed—the guilt and shame of hurting another person, the betrayal of getting laughed at by his friends when he told them to stop, and his growing determination to make a change.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

Louis’ first day at the new school was a grey day in December. He had to get forced out of the car, he got lost in the big, old and crowded building; and he hated the too-cheery holiday decorations. After a couple of days, he started bringing a paperback with him and pretended to read it at lunch in order to avoid the awkwardness of the unfamiliar place and new group of peers.

But during gym class on day, a boy named Jackson sat down beside him. Jackson struck up a conversation with him, and before Louis knew it, he had been invited over to hang out with Jackson’s friends after school. 

Listen to Louis revisit his feelings from that time, reminisce about after-school skateboard sessions and prank calls, and ultimately lay out how much this group of friends really meant to him.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

I first met 11-year-old Louis because he was bullying another boy. Badly. To an extent that included going to the hospital and going to juvenile detention.

Over the span of 2021, Louis embarked on one of the bravest journeys I’ve seen a kid his age undertake. He built his empathy for the other boy, he faced his guilt for the hurt he had caused, he switched friend groups and committed to standing up for those who were vulnerable instead of targeting them.

So when he told me he wanted to be part of the podcast, I knew he had something to say.

Coming soon wherever you listen to podcasts.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

One of my earliest memories with Joseph is hanging out with him at a park when he was around 10 years old. He spent most of his time climbing trees with his friends. Since then, climbing has become a steady passion for him—it’s his primary sport, his job, one of his favourite things to do and one of his biggest aspirations in life.

We’ve spent countless hours underneath bouldering walls and pull-up bars. I’ve worked out with him, listened to him blast Apashe, and watched him grow into a remarkable young athlete. I asked him to join for a podcast episode so we could capture this moment in his life.

Then I connected with an Olympic medalist named Jason Rogers. This is what we created.

Jason Rogers writes The Mandate Letter, a patient and meaningful exploration of the world of masculinity that features in-depth research and thought-provoking interviews on relevant topics. 

William Pollack, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood →

Michael Thompson, Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Boys →

David Cohen, No Boy Left Behind? →

Rachel Giese, Boys: What it Means to Become a Man →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

I’ve known Jack for several years. We’ve been in touch throughout the pandemic, from the initial school closures and cancellation of his summer camp to the uncertainty of a new school year and ongoing boredom of life without the social closeness and sports teams that he expected to experience in high school.

Jack’s story of two-hour online classes and tentative new friends, frustration with masks and enjoyment on Minecraft isn’t representative of every young person this year, but his search for engaging learning experiences and meaningful connections with peers is an important snapshot of adolescence in the pandemic.

For those of us who know boys, we’ve got work to do.

Continue reading on Medium

Jon’s book My Bad: 24 Educators Who Messed Up, Fessed Up & Grew delves into the importance of vulnerability for educators, and how we can grow my acknowledging our mistakes for ourselves, our colleagues and our students. Michael and Richard Hawley’s research was published in a must-have resource for teachers that work with boys: Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Strategies That Work—and Why.

You can find out more about the online youth programming I’m doing with Next Gen Men, check out NGM Boys Club, and learn from us through our online course Raising Next Gen Men.

Michael Reichert and Richard Hawley, Reaching Boys, Teaching Boys: Strategies That Work—and Why →

Michael Reichert, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men →

Carola Suárez-Orozco and Desirée Baolian Qin-Hilliard, Immigrant Boys’ Experiences in U.S. Schools →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

I often talk about suicide like it’s a statistic—the fact that it was the leading cause of death for teenage boys in Canada in 2018, for example; that rates of suicide attempts among trans youth are as high as 78%; that 70% of mental heatlh problems begin in childhood or adolescence.  

Suicide is more than numbers. It’s a difficult and ongoing thing that I face in my conversations with young people, and it’s personal. I wanted to write something for World Suicide Prevention Day, but it was hard. 

This whole thing is hard.

In the end, that’s what made me decide to record this. It’s messy. It has broken edges and a slam poem that I wrote in a single night five years ago. But it’s my effort at saying something worth saying.

If you are in crisis, Kids Help Phone is accessible and anonymous 24/7 at 1-800-668-6868, text CONNECT to 686868 or live chat at kidshelpphone.ca. 911 for emergencies.

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

Several months ago, Evan invited me to see his middle school musical. The night of the show, I rode my bike across town and found a seat next to his dad, who was watching for the second time. The audience filled up, and the lights went down.

It ended up being a remarkably good show, but one of the most memorable moments for me took place right away in the opening number. Evan was unmistakeable in the front row, eyes darkened with makeup and shining at the audience. His voice carried through the ensemble. His body committed entirely to the scene. He was captivating. 

That was the moment I wondered if he had a story to be told.

Continue reading on Medium

You can read about the Dream Crazier ad campaign that Evan talked about on Nike News, and watch the video itself on Vimeo.

Niobe Way, Intimacy, Desire, and Distrust in the Friendships of Adolescent Boys →

Clementine Ford, Boys Will Be Boys →

Michael Chabon, My Son, The Prince of Fashion →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn