Breaking the Boy Code

Logan moved to Florida at the end of the summer. I’ll never know entirely what he left behind in California. I know that he had half a dozen friends on his street and the next, that on early mornings he would go to one of their houses for breakfast before bicycling together to school. I know that his grade at school held a lot of trust between themselves and cried at their graduation ceremony. I know that they were almost always together.

The new school isn’t the same. It’s a private school built for achievement, serving a highly ambitious student population and no single school district. It’s meant a lot of changes for Logan, with one of the most significant being the depth of his relationships with his peers.

Over the months, he’s also noticed changes within himself. While he still identifies the same strengths in himself that I do—his capacity for connection, his thoughtfulness and selflessness—he sees himself reflecting the attitudes and priorities of the people around him. “I don’t know if it’s just high school or being in a new place, or new people or whatever it is, but I feel like I’m changing,” he told me. “Like, I can notice myself…my personality is different from when I left.”

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Michael’s most recent book is How to Raise a Boy. He also co-wrote two books on boys and relational learning with his research partner, Richard Hawley, which you can find on his website. They also published the initial findings of their research in a report for the International Boys’ School Coalition called Teaching Boys: A Global Study of Effective Practices.

Michael Reichert, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men →

Julie Beck, Raising Boys With a Broader Definition of Masculinity →

Judy Chu, Supporting Boys’ Healthy Resistance to Masculine Norms →

The Haverford School, Counseling Services →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

January 29, 2017 saw the worst mass murder in a house of worship in Canadian history: the Québec City mosque shooting in which six Muslim worshippers were killed and 19 injured.

Rehan was ten. “I remember when it happened,” he said on the podcast. “That night, I actually started crying because I was like, ‘What if that ever happened to me?’”

Islamophobia is on the rise in Canada. It’s perhaps most visible in the forms of explicit violence such as the massacre in Québec City, but it also manifests in schoolyard jokes and whitewashed media. Girls having their hjiabs torn off; refugees being told to leave. A kid like Rehan who can describe racism as easily as his evening prayers.

Violence doesn’t end just because you cross a border. And just because we can point to a historical event and say that it was an example of Islamophobia doesn’t mean that it’s not still happening now. It is still happening. We need to talk about it.

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Fatmeh mentioned the Centre for Race and Culture and recommended their publication Race and Respect as a resource for teachers seeking to teach students about active citizenship and inclusive communities.

Jasmin Zine, Islamophobia and hate crimes continue to rise in Canada →

Joanna Schroeder, Racists Are Recruiting. Watch Your White Sons. →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

Breaking the Boy Code began in March 2018, or the summer of 2017, or April 2014 depending on your parameters. But some part of it has its roots in an underweight boy with too many bracelets and long blonde hair—because if you had asked me when I was young what I thought about gender stereotypes and rules about masculinity, I would have had a lot to say.

I learned at a young age that some things are not allowed for boys, and some things result in violence that I wasn’t ready for. I was told I was doing it wrong. I was told I was a girl. I was called a fag before I knew what a fag was. As I navigated the winding path of both resistance and adherence to the rules of masculinity, I went to great lengths to hide or change parts of who I was. And while I had some great teachers, I also had teachers who were unprepared to intervene on homophobic violence in their classrooms.

I’m now an educator, and I’ve seen firsthand the impact of committed and authentic relationships with boys. Boys are saying: ‘We want change. We want these kinds of conversations about masculinity, about mental health and relationships, we want to be supported by committed educators who spend time with us and help us create a space to explore who we want to be.’ So as parents and educators we are part of something better than what we experienced when we were young.

“There is a systematic mistreatment underlying boyhood, and those of us responsible for its design and maintenance—not boys themselves—must fix its flaws. We will find ready partners in boys themselves, who have a keen interest in being seen as they are, hearts beating loudly behind the masks they must wear.” — Michael Reichert

Together, we are breaking the boy code.

Michael Reichert, How to Raise a Boy →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

With the debate about gay rights in the national media last year, homophobia became the mainstay of school hallways in Mumbai. Ash faced this every day with the unplaceable ache of being a closeted gay Hindu boy. “Even though they’re not talking to me,” he said on the podcast, “I feel what they say.” So each day he sidestepped one-sided debates that drove homophobic language through his skin, and gradually his helplessness translated to anger.

“It was enraging to not be able to stand up for myself. That’s one of the things that got to me the most. Because it would be odd for a straight kid to stand up for gay rights. If you take even a slightly pro-gay stance people are definitely going to start questioning you. I can’t risk that. But I can’t just stand and watch them spew homophobia. So what the hell do I do?”

Indian society upholds what Sikata Banerjee calls masculine Hinduism in Mumbai and what Aakriti Kohli calls Sikh martial masculinity in Punjab. Meanwhile Ash is caught on the frontlines, the victim of both the unrelenting pressure and cruel manifestation of a masculine narrative long defined by invulnerability and the domination of others.

The irony is that we can follow this thread from modern India to the perceived crisis of masculinity in the British Empire and the consequent rise of muscular Christianity in 19th-century North America. We are inherently part of the construction of boyhood masculinity as it has been for a hundred years.

Which means we are part of its redefinition.

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I’m going to be sharing more about Love and how to support him through his refugee claim process soon. In the meantime, reach out on social media if you’re interested in learning how to support him.

Sikata Banerjee, Make me a man!: Masculinity, Hinduism, and nationalism in India →

Sikata Banerjee, The Quest for Manhood: Masculine Hinduism and Nation in Bengal →

Sanjay Srivastava, The making of toxic Hindu masculinity →

Aakriti Kohli, Militarization of Sikh Masculinity →

Rohini Nilekani, Boys can’t be boys. Here’s how to fix India’s toxic masculinity problem →

Amanda Keddie, Little Boys: tomorrow’s macho lads →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

Chad’s first experience with hazing was on his first night back at summer camp. Older boys grabbed him and his friends and told them to strip to their underwear. He tried to refuse but had to fight his way out of their grip, then left the cabin to the sound of the senior campers yelling, “Don’t be like him!”

Chad told a counsellor what had happened, but it wasn’t easy. “You don’t want to be a snitch,” he said on the podcast. “What’s holding you back is fear.” The risk of angering older peers in the moment and being ostracized from the group afterwards makes boys hesitate to speak out, and then the pressure to fit into a narrative of dominance and invulnerability compels them to bury their feelings deep inside.

If incidents of hazing could be said to have one thing in common, it’s silence. More than half of all boys experience hazing before they leave high school, but according to research, 92% of students will not report any kind of hazing to an adult. To put it bluntly, boys aren’t talking about hazing—at least not with experienced role models and mentors who could help them end ongoing cycles of violence.

It’s time we changed that.

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Clementine Ford recently published Boys Will Be Boys and is a bit of a firebrand on Twitter or Instagram. You can support her work on Patreon.

Visit Werklund School’s Masculinities Studies webpage to learn more about Michael Kehler’s work and feminism-based gender research in Canada.

Clementine Ford, Macho ‘pranks’ and the devastating cost of male emotional repression →

Clementine Ford, Boys Will Be Boys →

Phil Christman, What Is It Like to Be a Man? →

Cavetown, Boys Will Be Bugs →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

Stress wound its way into Michael’s life throughout his preteen years, growing in size until it overwhelmed him in his first year of high school. “It took over my life,” he told me. “I’d come home and do four hours of homework. This took a toll on my social life, and my physical health. I began to develop an eating disorder, which I still have to battle to this day. I lost a lot of weight. I became more of an unhappy person. I wasn’t fun to be around. I didn’t enjoy being around other people. I just felt like my life was a mess.”

“It was painful, to see my life almost crumbling. Because of schoolwork, or my friends, or just something that was stressing me out so much I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. It was really just—it’s painful to think about now, it was painful to go through then. I’m still going through it.”

Things came to a head when Michael broke his leg and missed several weeks of school. He did his best to keep up with schoolwork in his absence, but the pressure he felt when he returned to school started building up. “I felt like I wasn’t strong, like I was a failure,” he told me, “and because of that I lost a lot of self-esteem.” His mind felt scattered and unable to focus. More and more work accumulated.

Michael came home from school one day and went straight to his room. He didn’t leave all evening. He didn’t sleep all night. Emotions flowed out of him as he yelled at himself, cried, and realized he’d been holding back his feelings for years.

“After that,” he said, “I knew I had to change something.”

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As well as being a middle school counsellor, Phyllis Fagell is a writer and columnist in The Washington Post. Check out her blog and follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

You can support Damion Cooper’s program for boys and young men in Baltimore on the Project Pneuma website. If you want to learn more about the statistics I cited in the episode, visit The Baltimore Sun’s Baltimore Homicides webpage.

William Pollack, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood →

Niobe Way and Jessica Cressen, ‘It Might Be Nice to Be a Girl…Then You Wouldn’t Have to Be Emotionless:’ Boys’ Resistance to Norms of Masculinity During Adolescence →

Andrew Reiner, Boy Talk: Breaking Masculine Stereotypes →

Wide Angle Youth Productions, Project Pneuma →

Luke Broadwater, From anger to forgiveness: How one man’s shooting led to a new program for Baltimore boys →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

Sebastian’s voice is captivating because its weight shifts dramatically. For part of his story, he maintains a sort of matter-of-fact nonchalance. “Yeah,” he starts out, “I had a very close friend, and we had been friends for like, our whole lives.” This lightness follows his memories of their earliest times together, how they grew closer and closer until they became inseparable.

After about ten minutes, however, Sebastian begins describing the crisis point where things between them changed. His voice catches as he says, “I went to the court, and it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.” His voice breaks. “I knew that wasn’t him.”

Then, with wet eyelashes, he shares his emotions. The loss. The loneliness. The yearning. His voice still flits back and forth, but it becomes heavier.

He was like one of those necklaces that are engraved with ‘best friend’ and marketed at preteen girls, where each pendant on its own is just an incomplete phrase and a broken heart.

It’s a fitting comparison. Primarily because it really does do justice to Sebastian’s feelings, but also because it illuminates the gender bias within our cultural expectations about friendship. There are no ‘best friend’ necklaces for teenage boys. We don’t have conversations with them about platonic trust and intimacy. We don’t help them resist the ways that homophobia limits their relationships. We don’t support them in maintaining those relationships through their adolescence.

We don’t expect boys to have emotionally intimate male friendships. Boys have them anyway.

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William Pollack, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood →

Niobe Way, Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

When I think of resilience, I think of Eli. On the outside, he’s as cut and as worn as you can imagine, but at his core is a dogged spirit that has withstood countless attacks on his gender, body and identity. He faces transphobia with bitter resolve. He’s like a war survivor who’s repeatedly been sent back to the front lines.

One of Eli’s front lines has always been school, in particular physical education classes and spaces defined by youth culture, where he either has to fight to have his gender identity recognized or he has to be on guard against homophobia- or transphobia-based violence. He tries hard to protect himself, but sometimes he doesn’t make it.

His story is all too familiar. Nearly all LGBTQ youth have faced discrimination based on their gender or sexual orientation. Sometimes it’s outright physical violence. Sometimes it’s more implicit.

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Lori Duron writes a blog called Raising My Rainbow. You can also follow her and her son on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Alissa and Victoria were representatives of SOGI 1 2 3, an initiative based in western Canada. The website has LGBTQ-focused resources for both parents and educators. If you’re looking for more resources I recommend Gender Spectrum’s Gender Inclusive Schools Toolkit, Human Rights Campaign’s Schools In Transition and Welcoming Schools programs, as well as GLSEN and The Trevor Project.

UBC News, Gay-straight alliances in schools reduce suicide risk for all students →

CJ Pascoe, Homophobia in Boys’ Friendships →

CJ Pascoe, Dude, You’re a Fag →

Stephen Frosh, Young Masculinities →

Debbie Epstein, Boyz’ Own Stories: Masculinities and sexualities in schools →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

How do you stop a man from being violent? How do you stop the college student who’s taking things to far, or that guy at the bar who won’t back down, or the dad whose words are fists? On one hand these are complex issues and the answer is not one thing, but at the same time all of these men have one thing in common. Boyhood. So how do you stop a man from being violent? You talk to him when he’s a boy.

At first glance, the context of this podcast is ending violence against women and girls. In order to effectively confront patterns of male violence, we need to look deeper at the ways that masculinity is constructed, enacted and resisted by boys and men. In a word, patriarchy.

Patriarchy also has negative effects on boys and men. Boys are dropping out of high school twice as much as girls. Using drugs and alcohol more frequently and more heavily. Dying by suicide four times as often. Men are committing 98% of shootings in the United States, and filling 93% of the prison population.

The premise of this podcast is that boys have inner lives—personal, emotional experiences that are often hidden from view. And if we can better understand and support those inner lives, we can better protect them and the people around them. Each episode will centre on a single boy, describing an experience within that inner life—anxiety, grief, depression, bullying—and will interweave his story with the perspectives of experts and leaders in progressive masculinity.

Coming monthly.

JR Thorpe, Gender Stereotypes Put More Pressure On Boys Than Girls, and The Consequences Can Be Really Toxic →

Rachel Brandt, 4 Ways the ‘Boys Will Be Boys’ Attitude Harms the Men in Our Lives →

Michael Reichert and Sharon Ravitch, ‘Defying Normative Male Identities: The Transgressive Possibilities of Jewish Boyhood,’ Youth & Society →

Breaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at [email protected] or on social media.

@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo
@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn