Today’s episode of Burn After Listening dives headfirst into the kind of headlines that make you question how society hasn’t completely short-circuited yet. First, we head to Florida, where a man with a long history of pool float theft finally pleads guilty—after admitting he stole 75 inflatables for sexual gratification. Then we jump to California, where a simple CBD purchase turned into a financial nightmare when a woman accidentally tipped a vape shop $5,000... and her bank let it ride for almost a year. And if that’s not enough chaos, we head to Washington State, where a drunk and armed DoorDash driver stormed a customer’s home demanding a tip—with a loaded gun in his waistband.

These aren’t viral pranks or clickbait hoaxes—they’re real, documented incidents that show just how thin the line is between absurdity and danger. We break down the full stories, dig into the failures of corporate policy, criminal justice, and human judgment, and—of course—do it all with the cynical clarity you’ve come to expect from Burn After Listening.

A 200-year-old condom with erotic nun art. A guy wants to nuke the ocean to fight climate change. A gooning meme page gets banned by a university. Also: Russia calls tank game devs extremists, and Ray Kurzweil says you might live forever — if you make it to 2030.

AI deepfakes, fetish scams, and a Florida man with a FaceTime problem. Plus: Trump shares a conspiracy that Biden’s a robot, and a porn star makes bank without taking her clothes off.

A corrupt Bitcoin “donation” topples a Czech justice minister, a Florida woman tries to eat meth straight out of her butt during booking, and Germany accidentally hosts a diapered chicken cabaret in a sacred cathedral. Plus: midair assault over a “Miss Piggy” insult and the debut of Reddit Shoe Diaries—starting with a mall changing-room birthday gift that would make Macy’s issue a no-return policy. Chaos, scandal, and horniness await.

A kindergartner brings Jell-O shots to school. A Florida drug dealer tortures a rival with hot sauce. An OnlyFans star sleeps with 1,000 men in six months. Sydney Sweeney sells soap made with her actual bathwater. And Elon Musk might be running the government while high on ketamine.

A deadly jet ski crash, a duck with a grudge, tripping hikers call 911, the CIA’s Star Wars fan site, and the U.S. bans censors from entering. Five stories. Zero chill.

A naked man in a Lowe’s shed, a gay teen denied her diploma, an HOA bans a soldier’s tribute, Americans warned to flee Venezuela, and an AI chatbot at the center of a suicide lawsuit. This episode dives deep into the bizarre, the cruel, and the deeply broken systems we live in.

Florida Man fights a gator then loses game of life to cops, Japan bans flashy baby names, Russia targets Shrek, and penguin poop cools the planet. Total chaos.