Episodes 2 & 3 tell the story of my Bus Tickets journey, 20 years after my adventure into Kosovo from Episode 1.
Much happened in my life following my Kosovo journey in my late 20's. Both rewarding and challenging. Things that caused my inner compass to be covered over, pushed to the shadows of my everyday life. Below is a summary of the 7 "C's" to my inner transformation.
The catalyst for this inner transformation in my life was a CRISIS in my relationship with my wife - coming face to face with the fact that I had been largely shut down inside for the first 15 years of our married life. Indeed before that as well, but that moment provided me a mirror into myself. And I was faced with a decision - a Bus Ticket moment - to face this shut down, shadowy part of me, despite the loud inner voice warning me not to. Or risk losing everything I loved and causing even more pain in the process.
In that moment I made a decision. A COMMITMENT. To not keep turning away from this seemingly dark abyss inside myself. It wasn't a commitment to change per se. Frankly I had no idea what was under the surface of my conscious awareness that was causing my destructive behaviour.
I started with a commitment to be willing to change.
But that was enough. It was the start of something very significant. It was a Bus Ticket moment. And I stepped into it, instead of turning away like I had done so many times in the past.
I was willing to change, but didn't know fully where to start. So I picked an obvious area that needed attention - my physical health.
Focus 1 - Small changes to my diet. Putting healthy food in front of myself that would strengthen me.
Focus 2 - Fitness related. I started going to work earlier in the morning and walking (not jogging or running) on the treadmill in the gym. For 20 minutes only. Building up my core strength and physical capacity.
Focus 3 - New knowledge and insights - similar to Focus 1, putting healthy 'inner food' into myself. I started with Michael Singer's book 'The Untethered Soul' and moved through many sources.
Focus 4 - Practicing new behaviours, new ways of thinking, of believing. Drawing on the great wisdom and practical insights I was consuming and applying them. The result was similar to Focus 2 - a building up of my core 'inner strength'.
The key to my work above was the formation of HABITS in each focus area.
Small acts of habit-forming CONSISTENCY in each area became the foundation for sustained 'micro layers' of personal development for me. They elements set the stage for me to strengthen three more key practices that have been foundational to my coming alive: COMPASSION, COMMUNITY and CURIOUSITY.
Before we unpack them, there is one other element underlying the whole transformation journey I've been on. And it bears calling out - COURAGE.
It takes courage to turn toward a difficult moment in our life. Instead of away from the potentially uncomfortable feelings that come up.
But it is worth it. That moment can be a friend to us. If we turn toward it. And allow some light into that space. And take small steps in response.
One Bus Ticket moment at a time.
My next Bus Ticket moment came when I finally faced the reality of addiction in my life. A dependency that began during grade school and followed me through each chapter of my life. For most of my life I lived under the big assumption that if I exposed this part of myself to the light, I would end up alone and rejected. I finally acknowledged that by NOT shining light into this corner of myself, I was on that very path already, rejecting others and at risk of being totally alone.
I agreed to see an addictions counsellor. This led me into joining an addictions recovery group. As I went week over week, it was like being in the gym, exercising muscles I had never developed. Key among them - strengthening COMPASSION. For myself first, then for those around me. I saw significant growth in this area by leaning into the new insights I was presented with around the nature of addiction and the path to recovery. That circle of men I met with weekly became one of the most impacting examples of COMMUNITY I have every experienced. A place to be myself, fully. To share my struggles, my successes. To practice vulnerability and being seen by others. I began to love myself as I experienced acceptance and affirmation from others in that circle. It was a sacred space, created by and protected by all who attended.
Learning to love all parts of myself released capacity in me to hold space for myself. For the seemingly 'ugly' parts - the thoughts and feelings I didn't want to admit I was thinking or feeling. The pain I just wanted to go away. This is when I began to develop the final C - CURIOUSITY. I adopted a 'gateway' phrase, one that would help me unlock the parts of me yet to be brought into the light: "I wonder...".
"I wonder why I'm feeling this way right now?"
"I wonder what is causing him to cut in and out of traffic like that?"
"I wonder why I'm sounding so edgy with my partner? With my kids?"
Enter a few other practices I've picked up along the way as a great compliment to this curiousity-enabled entry point:
- Pausing whatever I'm doing.
- Taking 1 or 2 deep breaths.
- Capturing what I'm thinking or feeling (writing it down, or saying it out loud).
Looking back on this chapter of coming alive internally, the key for me was to embrace all of these elements, not to pick and choose.
Catalyst (often a Crisis or Circumstance)
+ Commitment
+ Consistency (or Habits)
+ Compassion
+ Community
+ Curiousity
+ Courage
= Inner Transformation
This path can feel hard. It can feel uncomfortable. And it's not a comparison race. We each journey in our own unique way. But it does require that we choose, each day, each moment, to lean into the potential discomfort and deep reward of growth. Or to come back to this path when we step off.
Each of these moments...is a Bus Ticket moment.
