Capes On the Couch - Where Comics Get Counseling

We're breaking hiatus (and on a Friday no less!) to bring you an interview with Allen & Will, creators of the incredible Pocus Hocus! Issue 4 is now available on Kickstarter - listen now, and then back this project!

• Intro
  • Kickstarter campaign for Issue 4 - June 28
• Background
  • Recap Issues 1-3
  • Pocus & Emily in hell, seeking souls to get Pocus out of his contract with the demon
  • Emily turns out to be VERY proficient with knives
  • Demons work like TWD zombies - cannot smell if covered in blood
  • Moral: always be nice to animals

• Issue 4
  • Screws start getting put to characters
  • One of the creepiest character designs I've ever seen - Guillermo del Toro would be proud
• Kickstarter incentives
  • Horus in Hell
• Grandma Chainsaw
  • Genesis of story?
  • How to differentiate from other horror stories with similar beginning

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• Introduction
• Topic - Validity of mental health advice on social media
  • Dangers of following "mental health professionals"
  • Spread of false diagnoses
  • Desire for teens/YA to find in-groups and places to belong
  • Dangers of self-diagnosis and looking for hashtags to "share"
• Solutions?

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We end Season 7 with BEAST BOY! A wild therapy session, plus a touching tribute to the late George Perez - listen now!

• Intro
  • Appropriate doing this episode in the wake of George Perez's passing
  • Season finale - apologies for no episode last week
• Background
  • Beast Boy (Garfield Mark Logan) created by Arnold Drake and Bob Brown in The Doom Patrol #99 (Nov. 1965)
  • Garfield Logan was living with his parents in Africa when he contracted an illness that was lethal to every species except the West African green monkey - his parents attempted to turn him into a monkey for 24 hours to let the disease run its course, but the experiment gave him the ability to transform into any animal, but he retained green pigment skin/fur
  • His parents die, and he's court appointed to a villain who wants to use his powers - he is rescued by the Doom Patrol, and he joins their ranks for a time
  • Later joins the Titans West, and then joins the New Teen Titans - renames himself Changeling
  • As a member of the Titans, he had a relationship with Terra which ended when she revealed she was working for Deathstroke
  • After Donna Troy's death, he forms a new Titans team with Cyborg & Starfire, but the team is beaten by Superboy-Prime
  • He begins a relationship with Raven, but after they break up he leaves the team and rejoins the Doom Patrol
  • Reintroduced in the New 52 as a member of the Ravagers, with red fur instead of his usual green due to connection to a extradimensional power source called The Red
  • Is in a relationship with Terra once again, but after a battle with Deathstroke leaves him near death, he is rescued by Raven, who then mind controls him in a war against her father #BecauseComics
  • In Rebirth, he once again joins the Titans, and is in a relationship with Raven

• Issues
  • Ariel - where does his obsessive wisecracking come from? - Facade used to hide inner pain from loss
  • Ariel - explain his relationship with Raven (14:11)
  • Inferiority complex (25:06)
• Break (37:47)
  • Plugs for BetterHelp, Scotch N Sports, and Howard Mackie
• Treatment - Theme is evolution (39:45)
  • In-universe - He has to change each session and explain why
  • Out of universe - (42:32)
• Skit (50:42)
  • Hello Garfield, I'm Dr. Issues. - Please, call me Beast Boy…but I'm aaaaaall man, if you catch my drift.
  • That's…um…incredibly awkward. You don't have to prove anything to me. - That's right, I don't. Now if you'll excuse me I
  • Wait, we haven't started yet. -But I proved my point. I can do my own thing and get whatever I want, when I want. I don't need a doctor to tell me how to feel.
  • Good, because I don't do that. -Alright then.
  • *pause* Soooo…are you going to actually answer anything I say with a real answer and not just find a way to shrug it off? - Maybe. How much?
  • My typical fee is - *interrupting* No, how much do you pay ME to put up with you being boring?
  • You don't even know me! -You did a lot of school, right?
  • Yes, but -*interrupting* and you think you're pretty smart, right?
  • I don't brag -*same pace* I bet to have an office like this, you have a lot of money coming your way, too.
  • That's none of your -*last time* But am I wrong?
  • *pause* I can't remember the last time somebody tried to boil my essence down to bare bones stereotypes without a single hint of who I truly am. Let's try this the other way. You're a living being, right? - Yeah.
  • You're a superhero, correct? -Sure
  • You're incredibly desperate for attention, obviously -I wouldn't say
  • *interrupting* And you're probably single, I take it - That's not
  • *same pace* Plus you have weird ears - Low blow, man
  • *same pace* And I I don't know what's up with your voice -*angry* STOP!
  • I'm just matching tit-for-tat -No, NO, you're just trying to be a bully.
  • And yet, like you said, was I wrong? What's the difference between what you did and what I did? -I was trying to pump you up, so you'd leave me alone. Instead you made it sound like I was making fun of you. There's a huge difference, and if you can't see that, then I don't think we should talk anymore.
  • What if I told you that I failed at mimicking your style because it's unique? Does it sound more like a compliment? Plus, I enjoy being weird. -But that doesn't excuse busting my chops about being lonely sometimes!
  • I didn't say you were lonely, just desperate for attention. -*pause* I don't get it.
  • You sound like the life of the party. Do you have friends? -Yeah.
  • Do you have an intimate relationship - Whoa, whoa, I don't go around telling bedtime stories. Let's just say, my name suits me.
  • Oh brother…So anyway, you have friends and close relationships, but you still said I cracked wise about being lonely. That doesn't match up. How can you think that way even when you put so much energy out there to get people to like you? -They like me because I'm entertaining…no revelation there.
  • *sigh* I'm talking about from YOUR side, though. Something is in your schtick that wants to be on all of the time. That usually means the person is hiding pain or sadness. Which is it? - *pause* I guess both.
  • How long can you keep up that act? -It's not an act, alright? I really am this awesome!
  • Asking a different way…how long do you stay in your basic form without turning into something else? - I'unno, I don't do it unless there's a reason to.
  • So why do you do it with personal interactions? -*pause* You're really pushing this as a "thing," aren't you?
  • It's what I do. -Alright, here goes *morphing sound*
  • What are you doing? -Hold on…almost
  • *screaming* MY OFFICE CAN'T FIT - *elephant trumpet* I guess we'll have to address things my way.
  • *angry* YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BECOME THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! - I figured we could stop using metaphors.
  • *muffled* I can't even write my notes down - Guess you'll just have to…use your memory
  • You are not permitted to use any more elephant jokes -*morphs again* How about this then?
  • A gorilla…how droll. Let me guess, you weigh 800 pounds? -No, just 790. I had to get a little weight off of my shoulders
  • I swear you are going to drive me bananas. Quit monkeying around and we can actually get somewhere. -No need to go ape over this.
  • You are beyond annoying now. Please stop. -But you're playing into the puns yourself.
  • It's a reflex and it's gotten me into some trouble. If you relax for a moment, I'll let you in on a secret. Humor is my main defense mechanism because the world is a tough place, and I don't know if I would survive without levity. I play into jokes more than any psychiatrist I know because it's my comfort zone. But sometimes I go too far, and I make those that love me pissed off because I had to learn when to stop and hear them without pre-loading a retort. So I'm leveling with you…from a professional stranger…pump the brakes once in a while so you can appreciate the sadder things in life more. Cry, ponder, just for a little bit. Otherwise you'll notice that others are experiencing things on a deeper level and you'll always miss out. - *pause* Dude, you really are a nerd.
  • Thank you! Now can you just be Beast Boy? -*morphing sound* Call me Gar.
  • Okay then. *pause* yo, for real, those puns were on point. -I KNEW IT!
  • Don't let it go to your head. Willing to talk again? -Sure, whatever. But you're not, like, TRYING to make me cry or something, right?
  • My old motto used to be "If you ain't cryin, I ain't tryin' " - Glad you didn't use a bummer like that! See you around.
• Ending (57:06)
  • Recommended reading: New Teen Titans
  • Next episodes: Mental Health Avengers
  • Plugs for social

References:

• Scarlet Witch episode - Anthony (2:48)
• Terra episode - Anthony (5:39)
• Donna Troy episode - Anthony (5:48)
• Cyborg episode - Anthony (5:55)
• Starfire episode - Anthony (5:57)
• Superboy Prime episode - Anthony (6:01)
• Allen Iverson practice rant - Anthony (33:45)

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Following the release of Dr. Strange 2, we talk the Scarlet Witch, Wanda Maximoff! Chaos reigns throughout the episode, including an engaging discussion about the need to get help. You won't want to miss this one!

• Intro
  • Shoutout to Mr. Stoto's AP Psychology class at St. Joseph's School
• Background (4:49)
  • Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in The X-Men #4 (March 1964)
  • Originally, she & her twin brother Pietro were members of Magneto's Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in an effort to rule humanity
  • Originally her power was merely "hex magic", where she could manifest bad luck to those trying to harm her - later changed to chaos magic, which made her more powerful and able to control all manner of probabilities
  • She later joined the Avengers, where she met and fell in love with Vision - listen to our WandaVision episode for more on that
  • Her parentage has changed several times over the years - originally she & Pietro were Romani, born to human parents - then they were adopted by the Maximoffs from the High Evolutionary - then they were the children of the Whizzer & Miss America - then they were Magneto's kids - then they weren't mutants, and were the result of the High Evolutionary's experiments - then they were the children of the previous Scarlet Witch, and their adoptive parents were actually their aunt & uncle #BecauseComics
  • Had two children, Billy & Tommy, with Vision - later revealed they were magic creations using pieces of Mephisto's soul, and they vanished - the memories later vanished, only to be triggered by Janet van Dyne - Wanda sought revenge against the Avengers, and this led to Disassembled and House of M, where she had a breakdown and used her chaos magic to eliminate almost all mutant powers from the world
  • After several years as an outcast, she later joins with Hope Summers, and the two combine their powers to destroy the Phoenix Force and restore the mutant X-gene to the global population
  • This led to her becoming an enemy of the state on Krakoa, although she later redeemed herself by sacrificing her life to enable Cerebro to find all mutants and bring them to Krakoa

• Issues (7:55)
  • Her relationship with her children - how she kept losing them, and then when they're there, physically, she feels uncomfortable around them
  • Her relationship with Magneto & Pietro (19:36)
  • Not so much an issue as it is a question - There's a What If with Jessica Jones where she joins Avengers as a SHIELD liaison, and most of the major events happen as they would, except Wanda hides her children in a closet before Jessica showed up, and because of that Jessica gets her help, and so Disassembled never happens - talk about how hard it is to get help, or the right kind of help (29:35)
• Break (46:21)
  • Plugs for BetterHelp, Freudian Sips, and Meredith Finch
• Treatment (48:15)
  • In-universe - Give Wanda a fixed place that she can always go to
  • Out of universe - Family therapy - use the chain/rope technique to help improve the dynamic
• Skit
  • Hello Wanda, I'm Dr. Issues. - Hello, Doctor. I want to be upfront: I understand the need to be here, and I even agree with the assessment that this will be helpful. But that doesn't mean I'm eager to undergo a deep analysis on every single decision I've made over the course of my life.
  • That's understandable, especially since neither one of us would have time to do that. My job is to make sure you find out what works for you to deal with how those events have shaped who you are now. Unfortunately, that does mean we'll have to talk about uncomfortable things once in a while. So, I'll let you start with what feels most challenging for you. Anything come to mind? - Is it cheating to say everything? I'm not being flippant, but I have a litany of items that would fit that description, and to choose any individual one would feel like closing my eyes and tossing a dart. Sometimes I really feel like the personification of chaos, magic or otherwise.
  • I can respect that. If I may suggest then, that we start by narrowing it down to a sphere of your life. For example, personal development, or a specific relationship? - Let's stay away from the relationships to start. I have too many demons in too many relationships to jump into that at the beginning, and frankly, no offense, I'm not sure you could stomach some of the things I would describe to you.
  • You'd be surprised at what I would be able to handle; and when it's necessary, I also consult someone to make sure I process things as best I can. Anyway, I'll take the lead then, since I suggested personal development. You mentioned chaos. Is it a matter of behavioral disorganization, inattention, procrastination, emotional disruption, or… - *interrupting* You could continue to give descriptions and I would just automatically say yes to everything at some point. So even narrowing it down that way does me no service. That's my point, Doctor. The mere act of trying to pick a starting point is overwhelming. It's like drinking from a fire hose.
  • Whenever a patient tells me that, I know to start with basic needs. How are you sleeping? How's your appetite? Are you able to manage your daily tasks for your own survival? -*Irritated* I'm not a simpleton, Doctor! I manage those things just fine! Maybe some bad dreams, but…no, that's not something we should delve into.
  • On the contrary, dreams can tell a lot! I will admit my limitations, but I may be able to help parse out what small tidbits could be beneficial to address. - The world of my dreams is far more dangerous than I could make you understand. The unconscious mind attempts to make sense of what the conscious mind cannot, but I fear it fares no better. In either case I am left confused and am no closer to an explanation.
  • That is quite literally what I can offer you. You want an honest external attempt at clarity, I'm your doctor. -Once again, with all due respect, but there may be some other doctor who can manage that realm…
  • *interrupting* Without giving too much away, let's just say we have a working understanding, albeit a bit…odd… - Odd? Or strange?
  • You are perceptive. I guess that's my coy way of saying…try me. What about those dreams? - OK, you want me to describe just one of my average dreams?
  • For starters, yes. Just give me one that you recall vividly. - Fine. I am in a beautiful field, surrounded by mountains. There is a woman nearby with the head of a cow.
  • Alright, that could symbolize - *interrupts* That's not a symbol, that is Bova. She is the woman who raised me.
  • Oh. OK, please continue. - She hands me two infants swaddled in blankets. I hold them, and the children smile at me for a moment. They are beautiful boys. Until they both point at me and begin crying.
  • Interesting. Are the children yours? I didn't ask you about that before so -*interrupts* I don't…think we need to get to that right now. May I continue?
  • Yes, go on. - They are crying, and then they start shouting at me that I am not real. That I don't belong here. That this shouldn't be happening. *sound effects begin* That dark forces are aligning because of what I have done.
  • I want to know more, but could you keep the room the way it was, please? Because my office -*ignoring the doctor* The dark forces aren't demons or magical creatures, they are my friends, or who I thought were friends and teammates. They are conspiring against me. They know what I can do, they are afraid. I am afraid. They are trying to stop this.
  • Stopping this right now doesn't sound too bad… - *ignoring again* My father is there. Or he's supposed to be my father, but he has another face, and yet I recognize him as my father. He is leading the charge. I try to stop him, but my hands will not move. My fingers ball into fists, and instead of using them for magic I begin assaulting myself. I don't want to, and yet I feel like I deserve it.
  • Doesn't take a degree to get that last part…but there's a problem because it feels like something is hitting ME when you say that, so I think there's some magic going on anyway. Perhaps in a DIFFERENT session we can… - My fists finally open, and so does the sky, and it begins to rain blood and screams. I can barely protect myself from this, and the screams get louder. I hear fallen teammates, I hear children, I hear my ex-husband. All of them asking things of me, making demands I cannot meet. The blood covers me and yet I am not wet. I begin to cry, and my tears also scream at me for releasing them.
  • Getting a little exhausted here. I didn't know walls could melt without LSD or psilocybin, but here we are. How am I supposed to paint with my own skin? Wait, that didn't make sense. How do you stop this? - The screams reach a fever pitch, until they are so loud I cannot hear anything else, and that is when I wake up. *noises suddenly stop* And I am in my bed at home.
  • *creeped out* But why am I there too? WHY AM I IN YOUR HOME?!! - What? Oh, I am very sorry doctor. *magic sound FX* As you can see, sometimes these things can be… overwhelming. But I answered your questions.
  • *panting* Alright…regardless of a diagnosis, I'm prescribing something. Maybe I should get some enchanted SSRIs or voodoovalproic acid, maybe dopamine blockade with a 4 leaf clover…I have no idea, but I can't ignore what I just experienced. I will agree with you for now that any deep analysis is too dangerous. - And you now see my reticence to engage in this with you. It is not out of fear of acknowledgement. I know I need to speak to someone. I know there are things that I cannot continue to leave unspoken or unaddressed. But I know that I am unable to go down some of these roads without potentially causing serious harm to whoever dares accompany me. Even if that person had abilities or powers, the risk of losing another person's life for something I did is too much for me to bear.
  • Absolutely makes sense…which is something I'm glad to say after all of that. Now, it's time for some burpees, followed by deep breathing with stretches, and a mild sedative. -That sounds very forward of you doctor to prescribe such specific
  • *interrupting* That's not for you, that's for me. I need to be sharp for any more sessions with you. I won't give up. - I don't understand. Why would you continue to risk everything for a possibility that I might make a slight improvement?
  • Because that's what I signed up for. I may not comprehend everything a person says or does, but I can be there for the experience, good or bad. And I can always make suggestions for improvement. A work in progress starts with work before progress. - That sounds like it should be on a coffee mug or other location where one would emblazon a mantra. *sound effect* Consider this, then, a gift for your next training session.
  • I'm flattered! Um…why is there a giant crack in it? - It is flawed. Like both of us. But despite its outward appearance, it will not spill. It manages to hold everything inside, no matter what.
  • I will cherish it well…including that sentiment, more than you know.
• Ending
  • Recommended reading: Scarlet Witch vol. 2 (James Robinson run)
  • Next episodes: Beast Boy, Sue Storm, plus Mental Health Avengers somewhere in there
  • Plugs for social

References:

• WandaVision episode - Anthony (5:27)
• Wiccan episode - Anthony
• Crystal episode - Anthony

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We're back for another thematic episode - do superheroes hold people back from doing things for themselves? Do we stay on topic? Well... you'll have to listen to find out!

Issue 153- Holding Out for a Hero

• Intro
• Background
• • Holding Out for a Hero. Not just the single-most overused song on movie soundtracks in the 21st century, also the name of a trope denoting the tendency of individuals, governments, and entire societies who exist in worlds where there are superheroes fighting crimes and averting disasters all over the place to become overly dependent on them, to the point where heroes actually breed a degree of learned helplessness at best, and breathtakingly casual recklessness at worst. Do I need to take the time to check that my safety harness is properly fastened before I climb up this building's spire to do maintenance? Ehh...if I fall, there's someone out there who will save me. Do we need to spend hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to install Positive Train Control throughout our rail system? Why? It costs nothing for a superhero to just save everyone whenever there's a derailment. If they're a super-strong superhero, they'll even put the train back on the track for us. Should the government seek a diplomatic solution in this international conflict? Are you kidding? Look at all these superheroes we have on our side. We'll do whatever we want and you can take it up with them if you have a problem with it.
  • This is one of my favorite story mines of the superhero ethos. The conflict between helping people and making their lives better versus doing so much for them that they lose the ability or the will to do anything for themselves. Probably because it's extremely relatable here in the real world. Sociological interactions from the individual level of parent-child all the way up to the global level of government-citizen have always involved a need to strike that kind of balance. Guaranteeing people's safety, security, and relative prosperity has a tendency to lessen the responsibility people feel for providing it to themselves and one another on an individual level. Superheroes intervening to solve dangerous situations as they're happening can create a type of bystander effect that dissuades anyone else from even trying to help out, especially if it's something that's an everyday occurrence. Man oh man, does this have a lot of real-world parallels that we'll get into. But first, as always, some comic book examples.
  • 1) Elliot S. Maggin's classic Must There Be A Superman? The Guardians of the Universe let Superman know that one of the tenets of the Green Lantern Corps is to handle the much larger, world-threatening crises and not do everything for sentient races, because it can actually stagnate evolution itself. When Superman gets back to Earth, he tests the assumption out by landing in a random small town, where the citizens ask for his help with EVERYTHING, including fixing a leaky roof.
  • 2) During Mark Waid's first run on The Flash, a recurring theme is that part of the reason that the scientific community of Central City is so groundbreaking in its work is that they can push the boundaries of safety in their experiments well beyond what would normally be considered acceptable. They view having The Flash around if anything goes wrong as the only safety measure they actually need.
  • 3) Ultimate Spider-Man Annual 2. After Peter's ninth or tenth run-in with The Shocker, he is shouting at the top of his lungs in frustration as to how he's still not in jail after all the times he's been caught. Thankfully, Foggy Nelson happens to be nearby and tells him straight up: dude, you have to get someone to hang around and give a statement to the police afterwards, or a first-year law student could get any criminal charges dropped. When there's a big crowd of people who just watched a superhero battle, every individual person is going to assume someone else is handling that, and go about their day.
  • 4) Watchmen. President Nixon doesn't even try to reach a detente with the Soviet Union or China at the height of the Cold War. America has Dr. Manhattan as the ultimate trump card against anything the Communist world could ever do. As a result, they wipe out the North Vietnamese Army in a heartbeat and behave aggressively on the world stage throughout the 70s and 80s. This bites them back in a major way when Manhattan decides he doesn't want to be a part of humanity anymore and leaves Earth.
  • 5) Red Son. A villain-ish example. Superman creates a utopia in the Soviet Union largely by solving all of the problems that arise himself. But he's cognizant of the fact that he's doing it, and tries very hard to get his citizens to start stepping up and following his example. He also could simply take over the world and install communism upon all of humanity by force. But it's critically important to him that humanity makes the choice to adopt it themselves, or the ideology won't have triumphed, only he would.
  • Real-world examples? You want real-world examples? I've got real world examples for you. Seat belts. Introduced in the 1940s, it took over 5 decades for them to become mandatory in all 50 states, and the public fought against them every step of the way. One of the reasons why, that we've all just forgotten about, because it's been decades now and people just accept it? Studies done at the time laws were being implemented showed clear evidence that drivers disregarded safety behind the wheel more readily, they drove at unsafe speeds more frequently, and engaged in carelessness and negligence more often, viewing their seat belt as the ultimate form of protection. As recently as 2001, a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration study conceded the likely possibility that the presence of seat belts were a contributor to more frequent accidents even as they decreased fatalities.
  • (21:53) In economics and political science, as you know, we call this the Moral Hazard. Safety rails in public policy meant to provide government help to people and institutions in hard times can increase the likelihood that they will engage in behavior more likely to bring about said hard times, as the fear of the consequences is taken out of the equation. Nowhere is this more prevalent today than in the world's financial industry. It has just become accepted now as a matter of course that the world's governments will always step in with currency support, quantitative easing, and outright bailouts when there is an economic downturn, allowing the large investors of the world to socialize the risks of their operations among the entire population whether they're a customer who's opted in to do so or not. Because of the interconnectedness of the global financial markets, the costs to the world's economies of a full-scale collapse of large banks and investment houses is seen as much higher than the occasional large payments it takes to keep them afloat.
  • (36:42) On a micro, individual level, there's the bystander effect and the diffusion of responsibility. The tendency of individuals being less likely to offer help to someone in need when there are a large group of people present, figuring someone else will handle it. The Kitty Genovese case that first brought these terms to the lexicon in the 60s has largely been discredited, but for my money, you need look no further than any instance where there's someone in some kind of dangerous situation anywhere in a public place, what is the first thing almost anyone does? Do they step in and help? Call 911? Scream for someone else to call 911? No, they take out their freaking cell phones and start recording it to post on the Internet, as if the 300th camera angle is going to document what's going on in a way the other 299 won't. It. Drives. Me. Freaking. Nuts.
  • (50:39) So as a superhero, how do you use that light touch, and do for people what they can't do for themselves without taking away their ability to do anything for themselves?

• Ending
• • Recommended reading: Everything we talked about
  • Next episodes: Wanda Maximoff, Beast Boy, Sue Storm
  • Plugs for social

References:

• Naked Gun - "That's my policy" - Doc (40:10)

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Grab your guns, we're going hunting for monsters with Elsa Bloodstone! What will die faster: the things she squares off with or her family legacy? Listen now to find out!

• Intro
  • Last few days of Podchaser Reviews4Good
  • So Wizard - Ask them Anything? More like ask them why their show is so consistently amazing.
• Background (3:15)
  • Elsa Bloodstone created by Dan Abnett, Andy Lanning, Michael Lopez in Bloodstone #1 (Dec. 2001)
  • Daughter of legendary monster hunter Ulysses Bloodstone, Elsa was raised to follow in her father's footsteps
  • Ulysses was a taskmaster who showed Elsa little affection, and instead focused solely on training her to be an effective killer - this drove a wedge between them, and when Ulysses was dying, Elsa refused to put him out of his misery despite his request
  • When he died, she inherited the Bloodstone, which gave her increased durability and strength
  • Was a founding member of the Nextwave team, which battled Dirk Anger & HATE, and also blew things up just for funsies
  • Joined the Defenders for a spell to help them fight demons, during which she battled Deadpool & Elektra when they tried to steal the Bloodstone
  • Became a teacher at the Braddock Academy, where her younger brother Cullen was enrolled
  • Then she joined the Dr. Doom-led Avengers during AXIS
  • In the aftermath of Secret Wars, Elsa is on Battleworld - she encounters a young girl with no memory, who she names Shuttup - she and Shuttup are followed by a mysterious figure, who turns out to be an alternate universe version of Ulysses, who is hunting down all forms of the Bloodstone - Elsa realizes Shuttup is a manifestation of her lost childhood, and together they kill Ulysses and merge with the stone - Elsa uses the power of the stone to resurrect Ulysses and give him a second chance
  • Took a young Inhuman boy named Kei Kawade under her wing, as he had the power to summon and control monsters - once he grew strong enough to control his powers, she bid him farewell
  • Next fought a beast that infected her Bloodstone hand, and with the help of Deadpool was able to recover - he took the infected stone and then sacrificed himself, destroying the monsters they were fighting and curing the infection in the process - Elsa looked after Deadpool's head while it regenerated
  • Recently learned she and Cullen had a half-sister named Lyra, who was born a long time ago and sent into another dimension by Ulysses - she came crashing back to Earth

• Issues (9:49)
  • Wasn't really raised as much as she was trained
  • Not a fan of her calling, but she has decided it will end with her (17:42)
  • Related to that, keeps people at a distance to focus on the job (24:31)
• Break (34:41)
  • Plugs for BetterHelp, ODPH, and Cullen Bunn
• Treatment (36:25)
  • In-universe - Follow Elsa to get her comfortable with decision making without massive consequence
  • Out of universe - Child soldier analogue (38:20)
• Skit (feat. Rebecca from Into the Knight) (45:38)
  • DOC: Hello Elsa, I'm Dr. Issues.
  • ELSA: Hello, doctor.
  • D: So what can I help you with?
  • E: Not much. You don't seem like the kind of bloke that can handle a weapon.
  • D: Ummmm…no? Why would you even go there?
  • E: Figured this was some sort of setup. Nobody wants to talk to someone like me out of the blue unless they've had some big problems in their life.
  • D: It's usually the other way around. My job is to help people through their own big problems. I'm not trying to foist my issues on to theirs.
  • E: Could've fooled me with the name.
  • D: I honestly hoped that no one would look at it like that, but…we're off topic. What can a mental health and wellness professional, such as myself, help you with?
  • E: Perhaps you could get in the heads of some of these horrible creatures and distract them so my job gets easier.
  • D: *pause* You really think that you don't don't need help with anything?
  • E: You sound like a hammer looking for a nail.
  • D: I've had plenty of defensive patients before, but you're trying to sound…smug? Cool? I'm not sure what, but I'm not going to ignore it.
  • E: You do that. I'll just sit back and polish my gun while you keep fishing…that's not a metaphor or anything *clicking sound representing a gun hammer*
  • D: So…subtle, or not so subtle intimidation. You're a pro at this.
  • E: *pause* Now you're REALLY trying hard to get me to talk about something. I'm not going to waste your time. I got the big stuff out of my life, and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I'm fine.
  • D: I'll have to do this the old fashioned primary doctor way then…any medical problems?
  • E: Nope. I healed them.
  • D: What did you heal?
  • E: Not much, just my whole arm. Had to get it back.
  • D: You…you grew back your arm?
  • E: No, don't be bonkers! It was…magic, basically. Damn, if you don't know anything about that stuff, that sounds crazy.
  • D: Your…pendant? Just gave a glow. What's up with that?
  • E: It does that sometimes. What of it?
  • D: You just described a massive event in your life, talked about magic, and you have a glowing rock on your neck. You won't talk about anything when I ask if there's a problem, but you tried to get me to sound like I'd be some sort of sidekick. With all due respect…something ain't right.
  • E: You sound like you're trying to make me out to be a trickster. I'm as straight a shot as they come. Don't try to use any psychological ploys on me, or I'll paint the bloody wall with your skull.
  • D: I'm a straight shooter, too…you're being vague on purpose. The only real clue is your reactions and fragments of what you give. Do you realize how hard that makes it to formulate an assessment and plan?
  • E: *irritated* Fragments? YOU have fragments? You don't know what it's like to have your own memories as fragments! I'm not being coy when I stop you. I just figured stuff out for myself, and I don't want to have to go over it again with some random stranger that thinks I'm some bird trying to get sympathy.
  • D: I'm not that judgemental…you said some loaded statements just now, maybe we can unpack
  • E: *Interrupting* What did I just tell you? Keep going with that and I'll show how this baby unloads *gun cocking*
  • D: Am I a monster to you, then?
  • E: *pause* *sigh* No, of course not.
  • D: But I'm representing some sort of threat to you and you're walling yourself off because you can't attack it head on like you usually would. What is it?
  • E: All I'm saying is, I dealt with him already. It's done.
  • D: I see…well, I don't really. But whatever it is, I'm glad you've moved on. So what's next in your life?
  • E: I never know that. It's whatever gets thrown at me. Comes with the territory, better or worse.
  • D: So take charge. You obviously have weapons, guile, and bravado, that's enough to carry you through, right?
  • E: Innit? *pause* Emm, wait? I know what the words mean, but you're stringing them together like it's a plan or something. Hell if I know any of that.
  • D: *snaps fingers* is THAT why you want me involved? To help figure out your future plans? Maybe not as spontaneous, but also not as traumatic, right?
  • E: That…might make sense if you didn't sound so much like a doctor.
  • D: Comes with the territory.
  • E: If that weren't truly witty, I honestly WOULD have blasted you for that comment. I'm not into analyzing, alright?
  • D: You don't have to be. I can let you know when something is out of sorts from what I hear and observe. Does that make sense?
  • E: *deadpan* you just described analyzing.
  • D: You know, you remind me of the stereotype of a surgeon. Usually right, sometimes wrong, but never in doubt. A chance to cut is a chance to cure. Interventions that make a difference. I'm begging you though, please consider that other techniques may be beneficial. I'm not trying to sound mushy or woo woo, but if you ignore emotions now, they just come out later in unexpected ways. I don't have to know YOUR history to know that from my own. But be my guest, blast away at evil all you want, hoping to blast away your pain. Or do you want someone to point out opportunities for a better quality of life?
  • E: *sigh* It's just that, well, with what I do, there's not a lot of time for processing or thinking about all that stuff. There's a job, so I do it. I'm trying to do it better than my father, and since I'm talking to you, that's already an improvement. My goal is to make it so no one else has to endure what I have. If that means keeping my head down until it's done, then so be it. I can handle it.
  • D: I'm sure you can. I only want you to find as much joy and peace in that process as much as you endure the pain and suffering. That's blasphemous to those who have only learned the obstacle as the way.
  • E: Well, if you can't crack a smile while putting bullets in the head of mindless brain-eaters, then you're deader inside than they are. I mean, I wouldn't keep doing this if it wasn't at least somewhat entertaining. S'not all bad, I suppose. But I guess I can try to find more of the joy in things while I'm at it.
  • D: Careful, or I might smile back at you to let you know that I enjoy what I do and find things outside of my job to grant me strength and love so it doesn't consume all of my waking hours, no matter the demand.
  • E: Well, that hits close to home!
  • D: I'm glad SOMETHING finally did. How about this; instead of doing all of the retrospective stuff, you get the chance to regale me with your latest adventure, and I just comment on what's happened to fill in the possible emotional gaps? Think of a spotter for a sniper
  • E: More of a shotgun person myself, but I get the point. OK, Doc, you got yourself a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I got word of some pretty nasty buggers not too far from here, so I'm off to go separate their heads from their bodies. Fancy a look?
  • D: No thanks, I'll just wait here and do literally anything else.
  • E: Fair enough. Your loss, then.
• Ending (52:41)
  • Recommended reading: Nextwave for fun, Marvel Zombies & Monsters Unleashed for real Elsa stories
  • Next episodes: Holding Out for a Hero, Wanda Maximoff, Beast Boy
  • Plugs for social

References:

• Lollipop Chainsaw - Doc (8:15)
• Hellsing Anime - Doc (8:20)
• "No Easy Way Out" - Doc (15:56)
• Ikigai - Doc (26:08)

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It's our first ever sequel episode, and we're taking another crack at MOON KNIGHT! Four years after our first look at Marc Spector, how has he changed? How have we?

• Intro
  • Podchaser Reviews4Good
  • Thanks to new Patron - Local Official Nicole!
• Background (4:20)
  • Moon Knight created by Doug Moench and Don Perlin in Werewolf by Night #32 (Aug. 1975)
  • Go back to episode 4 for the full rundown
  • "Killed" Khonshu inside his head and reconciled all his identities
  • Discovered he had an unknown daughter fathered by Jake Lockley with Marlene, who opted not to tell Marc/Steven - said daughter was kidnapped by Bushman and the Sun King to lure Moon Knight out to kill him - Moon Knight defeats Sun King with Khonshu's help
  • Age of Khonshu - Under the influence of Khonshu, battled the Avengers to take over the world in order to protect it, and at one point became a host for the Phoenix Force - gave up the power in order to help the Avengers overthrow Khonshu and imprison him
  • Even though no longer under the influence of Khonshu, decides to resume protecting travelers of the night
  • Discovered he is not the only Fist of Khonshu, and after some initial confrontations, came to an uneasy alliance with the Hunter's Moon, who considers Marc to have gone rogue and hopes to still bring him back under the formal fold of Khonshu worshippers

• Issues (7:58)
  • Still coping with influence from Khonshu, even though he no longer has actual control over him
  • Struggling with empathy for those who would do him harm (18:21)
• Break (26:45)
  • Plugs for BetterHelp, Legends: A Superhero Story, and Erica Schultz
• Treatment (28:45)
  • In-universe -
  • Out of universe - Create a velvet rope/red carpet situation (32:07)
• Skit (40:51)
  • Hello again Marc. - Bet you didn't think you'd see me again, huh?
  • At this point I don't try to predict the future. Open-mindedness has led me to a healthier headspace, so I don't see a reason to change now. I will say, however, thatI hope this session is less…dramatic. - That makes two of us. Understand though, it's not like that was my fault. Too many chefs in the kitchen…man it's tough to say that out loud.
  • The good news is that I have a new perspective. I'm not trying to infringe on another professional's case. I've talked to Dr. Sterman, and I'm impressed with how she's been able to help you so far. - That's why I'm surprised she told me to see you. What gives?
  • All of us take breaks when necessary, even psychiatrists. We can cover for each other. - I…get it, conceptually, but there's a problem then. You don't swap out partners in a marriage, right? And why is that? Because unless you're reallllllly open, it screws up the relationship you already had. Now how am I supposed to recreate that type of rapport with you?
  • All fair points. I'm not replacing her. I'm a second opinion, if that makes you feel better about it. A consultant. - Considering this conversation is already smoother than the entire first session, I'll consider it a win for now.
  • So what have you been working on most recently? It sounds like you've had a consolidation. That's incredibly rare! - As if you thought we're all separate anyway? I did some searching myself…you don't really buy all of this, do you? You probably just tag me as "crazy" and throw my chart in a pile with schizophrenics.
  • Please give me more credit than that! I'm not saying that your way of dealing with stress hasn't led to dissociation, I'm saying that the DESCRIPTIONS that have been given don't necessarily have to be their own person…Is this type of conversation going to actually help you, or are you testing me? - A little from column A, a little from column B.
  • Are you satisfied with your reactions to potential situations that have led you to split before? - I'll never be satisfied, because I never WANT it to happen. It's not like we're a happy-go-lucky sewing circle. But there's mutual respect.
  • How did you get to that point? -By not arguing with the likes of you *small laugh* but seriously, I had some baggage I had to drop. You ever had a mentor?
  • Of course; no doctor has been trained without multiple mentors, even if we don't identify them that way in the moment. - Well what if one of them leads you down a path you didn't want to go? What if they're responsible for your success, but then they're manipulating you…maybe even tearing you down. You understand?
  • I'm following…keep going - So what's the right answer? I know you enough that you're probably thinking "find your own path." Still, this guy has THE path. Do things his way, and you are guaranteed some great results. Anything else kinda looks like failure.
  • So you don't want to fail him, or yourself? -Easy answer is both.
  • But how…oh this is cliche "How does it make me feel?"- You want MY answer?
  • *sigh* I get it…what are ALL of the answers? - Jake doesn't care as long as I keep the ones close to me safe. Steven thinks it's beneath us to pander to outdated nonsense, and I'm…I'm talking to you about it because I basically already made a decision for all of us, and I don't want remorse over doing whatever the hell I want because I think I have all of this under control. And I don't want a guilt trip from you telling me that this is what you wanted to talk about in the first session because I couldn't handle it directly and let the other guys take the lead too much. Plus I
  • HOLD ON! There's no need to get defensive. I'm thankful for your candor. I'll take what you're saying at face value. - Even if it's an ancient god that is partly responsible for the fact that I have this condition in the first place?
  • All I'm saying is that…whatever your descriptions are, relationships change. Some better, some worse. There's no point in placing blame. It sounds like you decided to move on. - That's not entirely accurate. I still do a ton under his auspices. I want to. Just not HIS way. There's bound to be some situations that piss him off. I'm well past the point of caring. Yes he gave me these gifts, and yes those gifts came with strings attached. But the hand operating the strings also became a ceiling, and if I wanted to grow I was going to have to break the string, the ceiling, the hands, the whole damn thing.
  • I guess the question is, is it worth it to you? Growth and destruction can look a lot alike. Recognize that your own actions can create more trauma for yourself. - Are you TRYING to get me riled up? I'm not going to throw away everything I've built for some false sense of freedom. I'm willing to talk to you because I want to be smart about this. My mind's made up. I don't need hand holding.
  • So you're not Khonshu's lackey…but you're willing to wear the uniform. You maintain the moniker. You have a long way to go before anybody looks at you another way. - I can tell I've matured, because there's a part of me that would want to punch you in the face for that…and NO I don't mean it the way you're thinking.
  • OK, so what do you mean then? - I mean… you have no idea what I struggle with on a regular basis. Hell, even sitting in this chair talking to you is using up all of my mental faculties just to maintain a conversation. But I'm not the guy anymore who's going to use that as an excuse to lash out, or sit here and think you're making assumptions about me so I might as well live up to them. I'm trying to be a better man, gods dammit, but these things take time and energy. So I'm not going to work on reinventing the wheel just so I can say it's mine. I'll do what I can with what I can, and opinions be damned.
  • Don't be a reboot, be a remix. I like it. I apologize if I'm pushing buttons, but that's because I won't know exactly what clicks until you answer like that. I have enough trust in you that I can challenge your base assumptions, and vice versa. So, where do we go with your plan? - Well, you may have trust in me, but all cards on the table, I'm still not fully on board with you. No offense, but I've been stabbed in the back too many times at this point to go headfirst into someone else's idea of what they think will help me be better. Even if they're letting me have one hand on the wheel. I was there before, and it was all an illusion. So we can keep talking, and maybe eventually we'll get there. But that's all I can promise you for right now. From what I gather of you, though, I think that's enough for you to work with.
  • Can I level with you? When you first met me, you were all over the place. Your sentences bordered on senseless, and you continued to split so many times that it made my head spin. I knew that this was through no fault of your own, and I could have very easily considered you a danger. But I still want to work with you. You know why? Because even with all of the alters, all of the violence, all of the chaos, I saw a man that was determined to find a way to do what he considers to be the right thing when he could have shunned the world for what it has done to him. Take that for what you will, but I think that means we're about equal in the contribution to the gap between our trust. - I can work with that. Guess we'll be seeing you around, then.
• Ending (49:52)
  • Recommended reading: Jeff Lemire run, current Jed McKay run
  • Next episodes: Elsa Bloodstone, Holding Out for a Hero, Wanda Maximoff
  • Plugs for social

References:

• The Art of Serenity by T. Byram Karasu - Doc (15:35)
• Atomic Habits by James Clear - Doc (33:04)

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It's our 150th episode, so to celebrate we opted to do an AMA. At least that was the plan at first…

• Intro
  • Podchaser - Reviews4Good
  • Thank yous to everyone
• AMA portion
  • Scariest podcasting moment? - @MikeyGeek
  • Have you read any IDW Transformers comics? What are your thoughts? - I Understood That Reference
  • How has doing the podcast changed you? - Dr Goku from GuardiansMH
  • If you could pick a fictional character to have on the couch, who would it be? - Patron Matt & Lissy
  • What are your early comic memories/what sparked your love of comics? - Patron Matt & Lissy
  • Since Anthony is a lawyer, would he represent you in court for a malpractice case? -Anonymous
  • Is there any time when you recommend comics to your patients? -Anonymous
  • Are there any episodes that you would recommend starting with besides the first one? -Anonymous

• Skit
  • DOC: OK, so let's go to the next quest*buzz-phone call* oh, sorry, must've forgotten to turn it off. Lemme just check, it might be work. *beat* I don't recognize this number. Could be work? Hello?
  • HANK: Hello Doctor Issues…
  • DOC: Who is this?
  • HANK: You tried to get me to move on, but all that did was cause me greater grief. So now I'm back to have my revenge. Not just on Superman, but on you.
  • DOC: Hank Henshaw? I never tried to get you to move on from Terri, I simply told you to focus your energy, sorry, no pun intended, on a healthier way to honor her memory.
  • HANK: I tried that. I worked on creating a permanent tribute to her online. I made that Instagram profile of her, and it worked for a while. I was going to use her internet fame to support organizations that she cared about. You know what happened? Crypto bros took her pictures, turned them into NFTs, and started selling them online. So I found every single one of them and killed them all. And then I turned my attention to you.
  • DOC: Dear God, man.
  • HANK: I thought about killing you, but that would be too easy. Plus there's a good chance that blue bastard would come and rescue you. So I opted to hurt you in another way.
  • DOC: If you harm my family…
  • HANK: Oh no, Doc, this is much worse than that. You know, it's funny how simple it is to break past encryption when you're living inside the system. All these patient files, each one tells a story.
  • DOC: You can't do that!
  • HANK: DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO! I'm Hank Henshaw, and I'm beholden to no man. Say, these files are so interesting, I think the rest of the world should have the opportunity to see what you wrote here…
  • DOC: Don't you dare…
  • HANK: Oh, you think this is a comic book where you can stop me? I already released the files online, Doc. Good luck trying to get the toothpaste back in the tube now… hahahaha
  • ANTHONY: Everything ok, bro?
  • DOC: No, definitely not. I need to get back to my office NOW. And I have to make a few phone calls… *dialing noise* c'mon, pick up pick up pick up…
  • TONY STARK: Y'ello?
  • DOC: Tony, thank goodness you picked up.
  • TONY: Uh, who is this?
  • DOC: It's Doctor Issues. We had a therapy session a few years ago, I don't know if you remember
  • TONY: Oh I remember you. Kinda. We split the Glenlivet, right?
  • DOC: We didn't really split it, so much as you drank it and then split. Anyway, listen, I need your help. One of my clients, a bad dude, he got into my patient files and released them all online. I need you to get them off the Internet and make sure no one has access to them again.
  • TONY: Hoo boy, that is quite a quandary. So you're telling me that your files on every single one of your patients, including me, is now out there online?
  • DOC: Yes, but-
  • TONY: Interesting. Jarvis, bring up my file.
  • JARVIS: I'm not sure that's a wise course of action, sir.
  • TONY: If I'm going to help Doc, I need to know what I'm dealing with.
  • DOC: Tony, please, just
  • TONY: Uh-uh, hold on just a sec. Mmmmhmmm…
  • DOC: We don't have time, the sooner we get started on this the sooner we can shut this down and stop anyone else from reading their files.
  • TONY: Yes, because heaven forbid anyone learn that you think they're, what was it again, a narcissist who uses alcohol as a means of self-medication to avoid addressing past traumas? Did I have that right?
  • DOC: Tony, you were drinking in the session and left because you got bored of things. It's not pretty to read, but I stand by my assessment. I also indicated you performed great things in spite of that.
  • TONY: Well, in spite of your compliment, I'm going to tell you to kiss my ass, Doc. Find another lackey to help you clean up your mess. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to exercise my demons with a little racquetball. And the only drinking I'll be doing is my C4 energy drink. Happy?
  • DOC: Not really, I mean
  • TONY: Wasn't talking to you. Happy, bring the car around. And my gym bag better not smell like the insides of your shoes again, or so help me I'll *click*
  • DOC: Dammit! OK, think, who else can I call? Oh, I know!
  • UATU: DOCTOR ISSUES!
  • DOC: What the?
  • UATU: YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED.
  • DOC: Uatu? Not now.
  • UATU: THIS WAS NOT A REQUEST. *teleportation sound effect*
  • DOC: NO! I need to get back to Earth! Do you know what I'm dealing with?
  • UATU: OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING. I FORESAW THIS HAPPENING.
  • DOC: I thought you couldn't see the future.
  • UATU: I CANNOT. BUT I CAN SEE ALL ACTIONS HAPPENING ACROSS THE UNIVERSE AT ONCE, AND I CAN PREDICT WITH A HIGH RATE OF PROBABILITY WHAT WILL OCCUR. YOUR DISMISSAL OF HANK HENSHAW WAS LIKELY TO DRIVE HIM TO SEEK REVENGE.
  • DOC: I didn't dismiss him, I simply… we're getting off topic. Why am I here?
  • UATU: I AM FORBIDDEN FROM INTERFERING IN THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS, I AM MERELY AN OBSERVER.
  • DOC: First off, that's ridiculous, you've interfered I don't know how many times. Secondly, bringing me here to the moon is interference by itself - if you wanted to observe, you could've just left me on Earth.
  • UATU: OH, IS THIS UPSETTING TO YOU? DOES THIS MAKE YOU MAD?
  • DOC: Yes it does!
  • UATU: WELL NOW YOU HAVE A MILD INKLING OF HOW I FEEL. I BORE OF YOUR INCESSANT JOKES ABOUT WATCHING PEOPLE MASTURBATE AND ENGAGE IN VARIOUS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.
  • DOC: So you dragged me up here, in the middle of the biggest professional and personal crisis I've ever encountered, just because you're mad I made jokes about you?
  • UATU: YES.
  • DOC: What the hell, man! You're an interdimensional being with the powers of a god, why are you so focused on being this petty?
  • UATU: BECAUSE I CAN, THAT'S WHY.
  • DOC: Can you just send me back, please? You made your point.
  • UATU: FINE. BUT IF I HEAR YOU MAKING ONE MORE UATU IS WATCHING YOU JOKE, I WILL TELEPORT YOU TO A REGION OF SPACE WHERE YOU WILL NEVER BE FOUND. *teleportation sound* AND HERE'S A MIDDLE FINGER. I HOPE YOU CAN SEE THIS, BECAUSE I'M DOING IT AS HARD AS I CAN.
  • DOC: Ugh, that was not fun. Also, why do I feel like he's flipping me off? Anyway, I need to get to the office. Lemme check Uber… 17 minutes? Nope, too long. Uhh… oh great, first bit of good luck today. TAXI! *tires squeal*
  • JAKE: Where to, pal?
  • DOC: The central office plaza downtown, and step on it!
  • JAKE: Sure thing, buddy. *car door closes, drives off*
  • DOC: Thanks. Say, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?
  • JAKE: Hmm… I don't remember you, and I'm pretty good with remembering folks. I just have one o'dem faces.
  • DOC: Are you sure? I seem to recall meeting you at some point. Not too often you encounter folks with a Chicago accent here.
  • JAKE: We're more common than you realize. We move all over da place.
  • DOC: OK, that's fair, I grant you.
  • STEVEN: Grant? Oh my, I detest when this occurs.
  • DOC: What the… oh great, of all the taxis I hadda find…
  • STEVEN: Rest assured, good sir, this is equally embarrassing to me as it is to you.
  • DOC: Somehow I don't think that's the case.
  • STEVEN: Ahh yes, you're referring to the incident with the patient files?
  • DOC: You know about that already?
  • STEVEN: Yes, the matter was brought to my attention earlier by my social media team. Got an alert when my name popped up in trending files. Had to send my PR staff into high alert to address some of the more… unsavory aspects.
  • DOC: Jeez, and I don't even recall saying anything that bad. I guess it's just the specter of negativity that you have to deal with.
  • MARC: Spector? Aww s**t, now I'm in charge. C'mon Jake, where are we supposed to be going?
  • DOC: Wait, who am I talking to now? And what do you mean where are we going? Don't you share this info between identities?
  • MARC: What would be most comforting for you to hear?
  • DOC: If that's how you're asking the question, I have a feeling no answer is actually going to be comforting.
  • MARC: Not gonna lie to you, Doc, you're not that wrong. Truth is, when this happens, I just kinda drive around in circles and hope that Jake sees something familiar enough that he takes the wheel again. Literally and figuratively.
  • DOC: I don't have time for this. Stop the car.
  • MARC: But what about
  • DOC: Talk to Steven, I'm sure he can afford to pick up the tab. *car door opens & closes* Well, I'm not that far away, guess I can walk. In the meantime… *dialing sound* pick up, Bruce, pick up…
  • BATMAN: (voicemail) If you feel the need to leave a voicemail, you're not using the proper channels. Contact the right people and they'll alert me accordingly.
  • DOC: DAMMIT BRUCE! Ugh. OK, next one. C'mon Dick…
  • DICK: (voicemail) This is Dick. If this is about business, leave your name and number. If you want to get back to business, I'll call you when I need you.
  • DOC: How about neither… fine, let's try Jason?
  • JASON: Hello:
  • DOC: Jason? It's Doctor Issues.
  • JASON: I was wondering if you'd call.
  • DOC: Listen, I need help.
  • JASON: I'm sure you do. So in your greatest moment of need, you reach out to someone, hoping they'll faithfully support you and assist you?
  • DOC: Yes!
  • JASON: Sure is a bitch when it doesn't work out in your favor, isn't it? *click*
  • DOC: WHAT? No no no no… fine, I guess I'll try Tim.
  • TIM: Hello?
  • DOC: Oh, thank goodness, Tim, I
  • TIM: Haha, gotcha. Thought I was answering the phone. Oh man, I'm sure you're probably pretty pissed at me. Which you would tell me, except I'm not available right now. So go ahead and leave me a message, and I'll call you back.
  • DOC: Oh that is NOT COOL, Tim. *sigh* I guess now I'm up to Damian.
  • VOICE: The number you have dialed has not established a voicemail service.
  • DOC: OH COME ON!!! Umm… wait, do I have her number… YES! Oh please please please…
  • STEPHANIE: Hello?
  • DOC: Hello, Stephanie?
  • STEPHANIE: Who is this?
  • DOC: My name is Doctor Issues, I've worked with several of your… colleagues.
  • STEPHANIE: Who?
  • DOC: Dick, Jason, Tim… Bruce… they all
  • STEPHANIE: No, I mean who are you?
  • DOC: I'm… I'm Dr. Issues, I'm their psychiatrist.
  • STEPHANIE: Never heard of you.
  • DOC: Wait, what?
  • STEPHANIE: And how did you get this number?
  • DOC: Because they… I mean you…
  • STEPHANIE: Please don't call me again. *click*
  • DOC: So much for that angle… who else can I call…
  • JOKER: It's so hard to find good help these days…
  • DOC: Oh no.
  • JOKER: What's the matter Doc, you look like you just watched a man die. Here, let me get you a mirror so you can see it up close.
  • DOC: Nope, not sticking around for this one. *starts to run away*
  • JOKER: *sound of net releasing and capturing Doc, who struggles* Oh, but we have a lot to talk about. I need to fill you in on the team of professionals you set up for me. They've been rotating around for quite some time. Or at least I imagine they have, who knows how much weight a ceiling fan can support. After the third body they tend to get a little dicey.
  • DOC: Dear God…
  • JOKER: The Korean doctor took it especially hard. All that time she thought fan death wasn't real. Right up until the end when the blades decapitated her…
  • DOC: Come on, is there ANYONE around who can help me?
  • JOKER: It's funny, you wrote in my notes that I needed to stay isolated because I'd be less of a threat. And yet who's the one who's all alone right now? It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. But what the hell, I'll laugh anyway BWAHAHAHAHA*punch* ooooomph
  • NORTHSTAR: Doctor, are you alright?
  • DOC: Northstar, what are you doing here?
  • NORTHSTAR: I read the report, and I decided to march over right away to talk to you about it. As I approached, I saw that insane clown man assaulting you, so I thought I'd take care of him first and ask questions later, la!
  • DOC: Well I sure am glad to see you. I need to get back to my office right away, so I can *whooosh* … access my files.
  • NORTHSTAR: Bienvenue. Now, about what you wrote…
  • DOC: Not now, Northstar, this is a bad time.
  • NORTHSTAR: NO, Doctor, you will not brush me off, ça prend tout mon petit change just to have this discussion. I thought I did the right things, said the right things, pi you write that I am self-absorbed, focused on image. Why would I come to you for help if not to get better, À cause tu fais simple de même?
  • DOC: Look, Jean-Paul, I appreciate that you are fired up about this, and I'll be happy to talk this over with you at a later time. But clearly, I've got major problems to address right now, so can we table this discussion?
  • NORTHSTAR: I'm not talking about this with you on a table, on a couch, or anywhere, esti! I know you get confused when I speak in French, so let me be clear: kiss my ass, Doctor. *whoosh*
  • DOC: *sigh* Well, at least I'm in the office and I can focus on *phone rings* *sigh* hello?
  • JJJ: I need to speak to Doctor Issues right away, this is urgent!
  • DOC: This is he.
  • JJJ: You answer your own phone? What kinda two-bit operation are you running? And to think I wasted good time, and worse yet, good money, talking to you.
  • DOC: Who is this?
  • JJJ: It's J. Jonah Jameson.
  • DOC: What do you want, Jameson, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
  • JJJ: Yes, I know. That's why I'm calling. This story is breaking news, and I'm asking, no DEMANDING, an exclusive interview for TNM.
  • DOC: My professional life is falling apart around me, and you think I'm going to take time answering questions?
  • JJJ: Of course! Gives you a chance to get your side of the story out before things go too far. Who cares about being right, what matters is being first. Remember: people read headlines, not retractions.
  • DOC: That says an awful lot, both about you and the media business as a whole. But I'm not interested right now, I need to find someone who can stop this from spreading across the web.
  • JJJ: I think I have someone in my office who can help with web stuff. ANALOG! Where the hell is Derick? I need someone to shut down the Internet. *That's not how this works, Jonah.* I don't pay you to argue with me, I pay you to get things done. And at the rate you're going, you're lucky I pay you at all.
  • DOC: Goodbye, Jonah.
  • JJJ: And another thing-*click*
  • DOC: OK, now to look up how to take things off the Internet. Gonna DuckDuckGo this, last thing I need is more stuff getting traced back to *smash* WHAT THE
  • TICK: Of all the unbelievable things I have to deal with on a daily basis. The unmitigated gall you must possess to disrespect me like this. I might not be the smartest hero, or the flashiest, or even the bluest, but I deserve better than this.
  • DOC: Tick, what are you-
  • TICK: It's like you don't even know who I am. After all this time we've known each other, I thought some common courtesy would have been established. Sure, people make mistakes here and there, and you brush them under the rug, because that's what good cleaners do. Not the expensive ones, obviously, but the quality cleaners who take a little extra time to spit on the washcloth before scrubbing your toilet to give it that extra sheen. But something like this, I feel personally insulted to even have received something like this associated with my good name.
  • DOC: Tick, I promise you, what I wrote on your patient form was completely professional, and it was never intended to be read publicly. But my system was hacked, and all my confidential patient files are all over the Internet now, I sincerely apologize.
  • TICK: I didn't see that when I filled out the section for pickup. What are you talking about?
  • DOC: Wait… what are YOU talking about?
  • TICK: I'm talking about my order. I specifically requested carnitas in my burrito, and you give me BARBACOA?!?! Do I LOOK Puerto Rican?
  • DOC: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
  • TICK: I've been coming to this Chipotle every day for the past two years, and I sit in the same-
  • DOC: THIS IS NOT A CHIPOTLE.
  • TICK: Not with service like this, it isn't.
  • DOC: Get. Out.
  • TICK: Fine. But first I'll be leaving you a sternly worded review on Welp.
  • DOC: That's… just GOOOOO.
  • TICK: And your decor is appalling. It's like you don't even want my business.
  • DOC: The door is over *smash* there…Oooookaaaayyy… now if I can PLEASE get back to work…
  • HOMELANDER: How the F**K are you still alive?
  • DOC: Homelander? Oh jeez, not you too…
  • HOMELANDER: I punched your skull off your f**king neck. There's no goddamn way you should be living.
  • DOC: I don't have the time or the patience to explain this to you.
  • HOMELANDER: Is it because I'm a… what was the phrase you used… "completely unreachable sociopath"?
  • DOC: No, but that's not inaccurate. Do you hear yourself when you speak?
  • HOMELANDER: I have super hearing. But everyone will be able to hear you scream before you DIE! *tosses Doc out window*
  • DOC: AHHHH SOMEONE HELP ME!
  • ISAIAH: I'll catch you.
  • DOC: AHH! AHH! AHH!
  • ISAIAH: Why are you shouting? Are you hurt? Are you ok?
  • DOC: Ahh… *calms down* I'm sorry, Isaiah, getting thrown out a window isn't something you get over quickly.
  • ISAIAH: How do you know me?
  • DOC: I talked to you a while ago. I guess you don't remember me?
  • ISAIAH: Was it a nice talk?
  • DOC: Yes, yes it was.
  • ISAIAH: Good.
  • HOMELANDER: Are you f**king s**tting me? I toss you out the goddamn window, and of all the things to happen, you end up getting caught by this big dumb n-
  • ISAIAH: *punch* I don't like those words. You hurt my friend.
  • DOC: Be careful, Isaiah, he's a very mean person, and very strong.
  • ISAIAH: I can take care of bullies. You have a nice day now!
  • HOMELANDER: Is that all you got, you stupid motherfu-
  • ISAIAH: *punch* I said I don't like those words.
  • DOC: I'm just going to take advantage of this and take off. *grabs phone* *starts dialing* C'mon Bruce, pick up pick up pick up…
  • CARNAGE: Going somewhere, Doctor?
  • DOC: *sigh* No, I guess I'm not.
  • CARNAGE: Not like when you tried to send me back to Ravencroft, or the Vault, or any of the other places you tried to throw me away and forget about me.
  • DOC: Cletus, you need help. More help than I can personally provide.
  • CARNAGE: Yes, I know. I had such a wonderful talk with Victor last week about you.
  • DOC: Victo… oh no.
  • CARNAGE: Oh YES. Your name comes up an awful lot lately. Even before this little report of yours released. We all have our own ideas about ending you. Victor's was one of the more… colorful ones I've heard. And he's got a special place for you all saved up.
  • DOC: Yes, he told me all about it.
  • CARNAGE: Jim Jr., Roman, Waylon, Mr. Blake… we've had fantastic conversations about what we'd do if we ever got the chance to have a special session with you. And what with all the alone time I've had lately, I've been ruminating quite a bit about it.
  • DOC: Lucky me…
  • CARNAGE: But you know what the major difference is between me and them?
  • DOC: Lemme guess, you're actually the one who's going to pull it off?
  • CARNAGE: How dare you steal that opportunity from me? I was building up, it was a whole thing, it's like you don't even know how this is supposed to work out. The one time I decide I'm going to embrace the theatricality they talk about, and you steal my thunder. This is why I just kill people right away, no chance for backtalk. I should just stick to the basics…
  • BOOSTER: *portals in* Yes, yes, it's me, Booster Gold. Hold your applause until I'm finished saving you, Doc.
  • DOC: None to be had, Booster.
  • CARNAGE: Who the hell is this clown?
  • BOOSTER: The name's Booster Gold. You don't know it yet, but I'm about to make a big impact on you. Specifically my foot to your ass.
  • DOC: Don't say that out loud…
  • BOOSTER: Oh it's fine, Doc. I've already seen how this plays out. You're fine.
  • DOC: If you saw this already, why didn't you stop it before it happened?
  • CARNAGE: What is going on here?
  • BOOSTER: I got caught up with some Justice League business. You know how it is, flying around the world, saving multiple timelines. It takes its toll. I needed some "me time".
  • DOC: You're a time traveler. LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE IS ME TIME.
  • BOOSTER: And yet I managed to take time out of my busy world saving schedule to come here and save the world for you. And before you say it, you're welcome.
  • DOC: So please, do it. NOW.
  • BOOSTER: What's the rush then? I mean, you just indicated I have all the time in the world, so theoretically I can leave and come back.
  • DOC: Did you research this guy at all?
  • BOOSTER: Who does research?
  • DOC: Serial killer.
  • BOOSTER: Like Count Chocula, or…
  • DOC: Alien powered psychopath.
  • BOOSTER: Oh, so like J'onn when we run out of Oreos in the Watchtower.
  • DOC: WOULD YOU JUST HIT HIM ALREADY?
  • BOOSTER: Jeez, you're in a hurry. OK. *ahem* STAND ASIDE, CITIZEN. BOOSTER GOLD IS HERE! I WILL NOW… wait, where's the camera? I want to make sure they get my good si-
  • CARNAGE: RAAAAHHHH SHUT UP YOU BLOVIATING BUFFOON! *slash sound effect* Now where did the good doctor go?
  • DOC: *running sound effects* Good thing I remembered to tie my shoes this morning… *sound of car pulls up* *window rolls down*
  • FISK: Doctor Issues. Might I interest you in a ride?
  • DOC: I see no rational alternative, Mr. Fisk.
  • FISK: Nor do I. And yet here we are. Come in.
  • DOC: If only to get away from another psychopath. *door opens & closes*
  • FISK: So kind of you to join me.
  • DOC: Is that blood on the floor?
  • FISK: Remnants of the last person who chose to ignore a recommendation of mine. Unfortunately, given the circumstances I haven't had the opportunity for a full detailing yet. Regardless, that's not why we're here.
  • DOC: Let me guess. You're mad about… Wait. Although we may have our differences, you already know about me, and you already saw your file. So what, then?
  • FISK: I understand your hesitation to work with me, given the nature of our last conversation. Rest assured, as long as things remain cordial, no one's family members have to be involved.
  • DOC: Then why even bring them up?
  • FISK: Because in light of everything that's gone on, I felt it important to remind you of who I am.
  • DOC: OK.
  • FISK: As you know, I am a man of many resources. Resources that, in this instance, could provide useful in eliminating traces of these files from the internet and the computers of anyone who might possess them.
  • DOC: You're rich. Got it. What's that got to do with me?
  • FISK: Despite those resources, I am not without my limits. That is where you come in.
  • DOC: What could I provide you that you can't buy yourself?
  • FISK: Daredevil.
  • DOC: If you saw my file on you, you definitely read my file on him. What more do you need from me?
  • FISK: It's not the information I need, Doctor. You have access to him. A relationship. Trust.
  • DOC: If you think that's the best level of trust possible, then you'll still have a REALLY hard time getting access to him.
  • FISK: But his Catholic guilt can be manipulated quite easily to obtain a future session with him. All I need is for you to bend that to your will. Name the time and place, and I assure you everything else will be taken care of.
  • DOC: And you're having me do this after an information breach that would mysteriously be cleaned up… Something tells me even a blind man could see the setup coming a mile away, and that's without all the other senses coming into play.
  • FISK: I was under the impression you'd be more perceptive to this offer, given your current lack of allies or assistance.
  • DOC: And you would become persona non grata for somehow changing this one opportunity that everyone had. And you stole it from them. Are you sure you want that?
  • FISK: Are you suddenly concerning yourself with my welfare and the consequences that would come from me helping you? Even for a medical professional this seems beyond the norm.
  • DOC: At this point, my preservation is paramount to anything else on my mind.
  • FISK: I can see this was a waste of my time. *door opens* Consider this business offer rescinded. *throws Doc out* *door closes & car continues driving*
  • DOC: *rolling sound effects & groans* Tuck and roll saves another life… and yet I'm still no closer to finding answers, or someone to help me.
  • SQUIRREL GIRL: Is that you, Doc?
  • DOC: Doreen?
  • SG: Hey, how are you?
  • DOC: Not so good… like literally, not good at all.
  • SG: That's a bummer. Wanna talk about it?
  • DOC: You mean you don't know?
  • SG: Oh of course I know, it's the big story right now on Chitter.
  • DOC: Chitter?
  • SG: It's the social media network for squirrels. They actually came up with the name before Twitter, but no one will let squirrels own a trademark, and the bird lobbyists got involved, it got really messy.
  • DOC: Riiiiiight.
  • SG: Anyway, you're going through a pretty rough time, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're hurting. Like you say, it's not your fault but it is your problem.
  • DOC: Thanks. It's actually nice to talk to someone today who's not super pissed at me for what I said in their file. Assuming you read what I wrote…
  • SG: I did. I have to say I understood why you said what you did, and I appreciate your honesty.
  • DOC: Oh?
  • SG: Yeah. I stepped back from the babysitting thing a bit. It was getting to be a bit much with everything else going on.
  • DOC: I'm glad to hear it.
  • SG: Cut back from 40 hours a week to 39.
  • DOC: That's it?
  • SG: Yeah, and let me tell you it was rough. Didn't know what to do with that hour, all that free time was crazy. So I opted to volunteer at a soup kitchen.
  • DOC: I…
  • SG: Feels good to give back. But enough about me. You're still struggling with the whole personal data leak thing.
  • DOC: Yup. And I am so glad that I have your super powered support. Right? Right?
  • SG: Oh I'd love to help, but I don't know the first thing about computers and stuff. I mean, I still have a flip phone. And my squirrel friends, well… there are a LOT of them, but they can't chew through all that fiber optic cable. You realize how much property damage that would cause?
  • DOC: Thank you for the practicality. To be candid, I just don't know what in the hell I'm supposed to do.
  • SPAWN: You know what they say, speak the Devil's name and he shall appear.
  • DOC: What*gets sucked into hell* AAAAAHHHHHH
  • SG: *yells after him* Sorry I couldn't be more helpful!
  • SPAWN: Welcome to Hell, Doc.
  • DOC: AHHH GET ME OUTTA HERE
  • SPAWN: No sense screaming, no one down here can hear or help you.
  • DOC: IT'S NOT FOR THEM, IT'S FOR ME. WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?
  • SPAWN: I felt this place was actually less judgmental than being above right now.
  • DOC: Much as I appreciate the gesture, I need to get out of here.
  • SPAWN: What's that old chestnut of advice, when you're in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
  • DOC: That… actually makes a lot of sense. But I still have to find a way to address what's going on up there, and staying in Hell is making it worse. There's a sentence I never thought I'd have to say…
  • SPAWN: I understand. Well, I tried. Hopefully that counts for something. Both with you and whoever else is keeping score.
  • DOC: Appreciate it.
  • SPAWN: So let me just *hit* *roar* AHH!
  • DOC: What?
  • SPAWN: Malebolgia is back. He's still pissed off after the last time I killed him. You need to go, now!
  • DOC: So send me back up there!
  • SPAWN: I can't right now, it's a lengthy process and I can't afford to keep myself vulnerable that long. You'll have to find another way. Now RUN!
  • DOC: Oh my god oh my god oh my god… Eeeh… I just need to find a friendly face here…
  • CONSTANTINE: How about a familiar one?
  • DOC: JOHN? What are you doing here?
  • CONSTANTINE: Oh, a little of this, little of that… bigger question is what are YOU doing here?
  • DOC: Spawn dragged me down here and then he got attacked and I started running and I need to get out of here and PLEASE HELP.
  • CONSTANTINE: And why should I help you? After all, you thought I sounded like a bad Beatle impersonator.
  • DOC: What? How? That wasn't in the file.
  • CONSTANTINE: Not every truth is written down, love.
  • DOC: Whatever, I will wear a Liverpool jersey to my next session, I don't care. GET ME OUTTA HERE.
  • CONSTANTINE: That's the spirit. Before you go, indulge me. When you walk through a storm…
  • DOC: NOW!
  • CONSTANTINE: Alright, we'll sing later. This'll just take a moment, love. Nicoreen siagos acasha… *magical sound effects*
  • DOC: *gasp* *panting*... *to self* that was not fun. OK, Doc, what's the next step? Because I feel like I've been at this forever and I'm still no closer to finding an answer.
  • CATWOMAN: Maybe I can help?
  • DOC: Selina? Why?
  • CATWOMAN: You know me, I like to whip up a solution to a problem. *cracks whip*
  • DOC: As much as I love puns, this is NOT the time. So either help me, or get out of my way.
  • CATWOMAN: Oh, so serious all of a sudden. You're almost as bad as Bruce.
  • DOC: Look, if you're going to make jokes-
  • CATWOMAN: Fine. I can hack into a couple of mainframes and shut down major Internet pathways. It's not a complete solution, but it will help stop the spread.
  • DOC: That's… one of the first helpful ideas I've heard all day.
  • CATWOMAN: You're very welcome.
  • DOC: Why do I feel like there's a catch here?
  • CATWOMAN: Why Doctor, you wound me with your implication.
  • DOC: It's sore because it hits the spot.
  • CATWOMAN: UGH. OK. Your office is directly above a financial trading company. They have extensive resources, but they're taking advantage of a local indigent community and forcing them out so they can build another bland high-rise. I need you to get me into the building so I can… obtain some leverage over them.
  • DOC: So you take care of my immediate professional quandary and place me squarely in the middle of another one? I don't see how this works out in my favor.
  • CATWOMAN: C'mon, I scratch your back, you scratch mine. And my claws know how to dig deep.
  • SHE-HULK: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that sounds like a setup for blackmail, plus possible RICO charges for conspiracy. Not to mention the clear B&E, likely burglary… I mean the felony charges alone would eat up about 7 of those 9 lives you've got, right?
  • DOC: I don't say this often, but I'm glad to see a lawyer hanging around. Thanks Jen.
  • CATWOMAN: Goddamn lawyers ruin everything. You're no fun.
  • SHE-HULK: You're calling ME no fun? That's a first. At least since Aaron stopped writing me. Also, that's a pretty rich statement coming from someone dressed like Judi Dench's body double.
  • CATWOMAN: Such a low blow. I expected more from you.
  • SHE-HULK: Sorry to disappoint. If you leave now, I'll make sure they drop the charges. Keep talking, though, and I'll be ethically bound to cooperate with the investigation. The ass-kicking will just be a bonus.
  • CATWOMAN: This is why no one likes lawyers. You're all the same.
  • SHE-HULK: All the same? I'm eight feet tall and green. Aside from my cousin, who else is even remotely close to me?
  • DOC: OK, I think I'm gonna go and let you two sort this out.
  • CATWOMAN: *Green Giant jingle* Ho ho ho…
  • SHE-HULK: Oh, that is IT. The heels are coming off…
  • DOC: Later, ladies. *sound of actual catfight in background* Let's try Bruce again… *dialing* *teleportation sound* WHAT? NO!
  • MOJO: And here's the star of our show, ladies and gentlemen! Doctor Issues himself!
  • DOC: MOJO! Are you fu-
  • MOJO: Hey, watch the language, Doc, this is a primetime show. Gotta keep it family friendly.
  • DOC: What show are you talking about?
  • MOJO: Why, Doc on the Run, of course! It's the hottest new reality show in the Mojoverse! We've been watching you this whole time. Gotta say, loving all the twists and turns so far. But it's starting to feel a little stale at this point. I mean, how many times can you run into patients of yours who offer nothing but cliched phrases or try to kill you? You have to keep your audience guessing what's going to happen, but stunt casting only really works during sweeps.
  • DOC: This isn't a reality show, this is real life! I don't give a damn about your ratings!
  • MOJO: Of course you think it is. That's why your delivery is so great. But I'm not loving that last line. It's fine, we'll have the writers come up with something and you'll record an ADR session during editing. Gotta punch it up. Maybe curse a bit, we'll bleep you out and use it in the commercial. Oh, and speaking of punching, let's see what we can do about getting you involved in the fisticuffs. No sense in having everyone else fight around you, let's see how well you can hold your own in a fight.
  • DOC: I don't have time for this. And I'm certainly not fighting for your amusement.
  • MOJO: Oh, but don't you realize, Doc? EVERYTHING is for our amusement. Your fans adore you. Like this charming young fellow attached to his phone over here. Tell Doc how much you love his work.
  • FAN: Pleeeasssee… killlll meeee…
  • MOJO: Ungrateful whelp! I'll have you executed. But slowly, it'll be a miniseries. Anyway, back to Doc, let's knock down this fourth wall and see what you're made of. *shatter* Wait, that's not supposed to happen! Quick, get a camera over there and see what's going on! Camera 3, whip pan right now!
  • SUPERBOY PRIME: This isn't Earth Prime…
  • MOJO: Oh boy, ladies and germs, we've got an unexpected development here. Some jackass wearing a Superman costume has arrived. Say, lad, this is a closed set.
  • PRIME: I don't know who the hell you are, but no one orders me around.
  • MOJO: This is MY show, and I'm the one giving orders here.
  • PRIME: What kinda world is this where people take orders from an overweight half cyborg spider thing?
  • MOJO: THIS IS THE MOJOVERSE! And it's where you die!
  • DOC: Lemme jump through this portal real quick. YOINK! *teleportation sound* OK. No fighting, no Mojo, no Superboy Prime, so this is already a plus.
  • EEYORE: Hello there.
  • DOC: GAH!
  • EEYORE: You're awfully loud.
  • DOC: Eeyore?
  • EEYORE: Hi Doctor.
  • DOC: How did I end up in the Hundred Acre Wood? And why don't you seem shocked?
  • EEYORE: Don't know. I was just sitting here because I was supposed to have lunch with everyone. But it seems like they forgot me. Again. At least someone is here to talk to me.
  • DOC: I'm very sorry. However, I have bigger things to deal with right now, so I need to find a way out of here.
  • EEYORE: It's fine. Go ahead and leave. Everyone else has forgotten about me. You're no different.
  • DOC: No, it's not that, it's just… *sigh*. Maybe this is all a test. Maybe I should be taking the time to help others, and that's how I'll end up getting helped myself. So, Eeyore, let's take a sec and chat.
  • EEYORE: You mean it?
  • DOC: I do. I could use a break from the insanity for a moment. Let's just talk about whatever you want.
  • EEYORE: Thanks Doc. Well, yesterday I thought I'd lost my tail again.
  • DOC: That sounds unfortunate. Did you find it?
  • EEYORE: Yep.
  • DOC: That's great. Where was it?
  • EEYORE: Pinned to my hind end.
  • DOC: Oh.
  • EEYORE: Yup. Spent the whole day looking for it.
  • DOC: I see. *beat* Is that it?
  • EEYORE: Yup.
  • DOC: You sure there's nothing else you want to talk about?
  • EEYORE: Well, there is one other thing. You see, I *teleportation sound*
  • DOC: NO NOT AGAIN!
  • EEYORE: Well s**t.
  • THANOS: Doctor Issues. You created a web of lies and pain, and thought you could escape it. And where did that bring you? Back to me.
  • DOC: Thanos, I-
  • THANOS: Spare me your pitiful speech. You have unleashed a power equal to that of the Infinity Gems. This places you on a level close to me, and this is something I cannot permit to stand. So I have no choice but to kill you.
  • DOC: At this point, I barely have the desire to fight back.
  • THANOS: Oh that's a shame, because I've been looking forward to this for a while, and hearing your cries for mercy would have made victory that much sweeter. As it is I will acknowledge your acceptance. Farewell, Doctor.
  • NEBULA: Not so fast, father.
  • THANOS: Nebula, your betrayal is disappointing but not surprising.
  • NEBULA: YEAAAHHH! Doctor, I have brought you a ship. You can return to Earth.
  • DOC: Great, so I can go back and face all the people who want to kill me.
  • THANOS: I am happy to kill you right now.
  • NEBULA: Hnngghhh… that's exactly why you have to go back. If Thanos kills you, it will give him pleasure. And I cannot allow that to happen.
  • THANOS: This is not up to you, daughter. I have no qualms about killing you as a precursor to the doctor's death.
  • NEBULA: Doctor, you must leave. NOW. I will deal with my father. He will be made to suffer, as he did to me.
  • DOC: But I.
  • NEBULA: This is not a request. You did me a favor. Allow me to return it to you.
  • THANOS: You shall not leave, Doctor. I will obtain the Gems once again, and then I will bring you back here!
  • NEBULA: DOCTOR! GO!
  • DOC: Fine. But how do I even operate this thing?
  • NEBULA: It is programmed to warp you back to Earth. Just press the big yellow button.
  • THANOS: NO! I will not be denied!
  • DOC: OK, here goes nothing. *button sound* spaceship takes off *warp sound* *spaceship door opens* I… Hello and welcome to Capes on the Couch, where comics get counseling. I'm Dr. Issues. I just wanted to say to everyone that's listened to all these episodes. Thank you, I love you all. Through no intention of my own, there have been many things that have happened, I'm sure you've heard of them. I want to issue an apology to anyone & everyone. I don't have the proper words for this. I just, I don't know what to do. I have no idea how I'm even going to broadcast this, because I'm probably banned from every source possible, and I don't know how to get this to my cohost. But if anyone hears… *breaks down*
  • DOOM: CEASE YOUR INCESSANT AND UNNECESSARY TEARS, DOCTOR. YOUR PROBLEM HAS ALREADY BEEN RESOLVED THROUGH THE MIGHT OF DOOM.
  • DOC: *sniffles* Huh?
  • DOOM: DOOM HAS WIPED ALL TRACES OF THE FILES FROM THE WORLD.
  • DOC: WhahuhwhyhowWHAT?!?!
  • DOOM: YOU ARE NOW ALSO AN HONORARY CITIZEN OF LATVERIA AND WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE TO RESIDE, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE.
  • DOC: What's the catch?
  • DOOM: THERE IS NO CATCH. THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN ACCOMPLISHED. DOOM SEEKS NOTHING FURTHER FROM YOU.
  • DOC: I want to say thank you. And I will. But first, WHY?
  • DOOM: MANY THINK DOOM AS TYRANNICAL, INCLUDING YOURSELF. BY THIS GESTURE, DOOM'S MAGNANIMITY WILL BE PRESERVED FOR ALL TIME.
  • DOC: Well, I have to say that-
  • DOOM: AND ALSO BECAUSE RICHARDS WAS UNABLE TO ARRIVE AT A SUPERIOR SOLUTION.
  • DOC: Aaaaand there it is.
  • DOOM: ONCE AGAIN PROVING THAT NONE ARE SUPERIOR TO DOOM.
  • DOC: Of course not.
  • DOOM: MOVING FORWARD, YOUR OPINION OF DOOM WILL BE ONE OF GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATION. WHATEVER PREVIOUS OPINION YOU HAD IS NOW IRRELEVANT.
  • DOC: Honestly, at this point, I can't even disagree with you. But I have to ask, aren't you concerned about all the people who tried to kill me? I mean, the files are eliminated, but the memories aren't. People still remember what I said about them. And they'll know you're responsible for getting rid of them. They'll come for you.
  • DOOM: LET THEM TRY. MANY HAVE ATTEMPTED TO USURP DOOM. AND YET DOOM REMAINS.
  • DOC: *sigh* Yep. Definitely not tyrannical at all.
  • DOOM: DOOM SENSES SOME SARCASM. THIS GESTURE CAN BE UNDONE JUST AS EASILY.
  • DOC: Noted. As a humble citizen of Latveria. My deepest appreciation… my liege.
  • DOOM: YOUR APPRECIATION IS NOTED, GOOD CITIZEN, AND-
  • DOC: Can I just ask one favor?
  • DOOM: YOU DARE ASK MORE OF DOOM THAN HAS ALREADY BEEN PROVIDED?
  • DOC: It's just… I need to get back home. Surely a simple task like this will not tax the might of Doom.
  • DOOM: FINE. BE GONE AND RETURN HOME. BUT BE SURE TO SPREAD THE WORD THAT DOOM IS THE ONE WHO DID THIS FOR YOU.
  • DOC: Oh don't worry, I'm telling everybody. Thanks Doc! *warp sound effect* Hoo boy, that was strange.
  • ANTHONY: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!
  • DOC: Oh man, it was nuts. I tried to call Batman, and then I was dragged to hell by Spawn, and Kingpin had me in his limo, and I was in-
  • ANTHONY: No, I mean this burner phone Batman gave you has been sitting here ringing off the hook the whole time, but I didn't want to answer it because I figured it might explode, or it was wired to your DNA or something. You know how crafty Batman is.
  • DOC: Are. You. F**king. Kidding. Me.
• Ending
  • Thank yous: Dr. Goku from Guardians MH, Kate from IWB, Lisa from Comic Book Couples Counseling, my sister Angela, Doc's father, my wife
  • Next episodes: Moon Knight 2, Elsa Bloodstone, Holding Out for a Hero
  • Plugs for social

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Grab your Ouija board, because we're talking to KLAUS HARGREEVES! How can the Seance make a better connection with the living instead of the dead? Tune in to find out!

• Intro
  • We're back! Thanks for all your kind words & thoughts
  • New Patron - Austin!
  • Reminder of AMA for 150
• Background (3:35)
  • Number Four (The Seance/Klaus Hargreeves) created by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba in The Umbrella Academy #1
  • Go back to Issue 130 for a look at Number Five
  • The Umbrella Academy is a team of seven superpowered children, born to women who previously showed no signs of pregnancy - all adopted by Dr. Reginald Hargreeves, a wealthy philanthropist (secretly an alien)
  • Vol. 1 - Apocalypse Suite - Klaus introduced as part of the team, a group of 10 year old children who stop the Eiffel Tower from destroying the world 20 years ago - in the present, their adoptive father Dr. Hargreeves dies, and the team reunites to bury and mourn him
  • Their adoptive sister Vanya, long thought to be the only non-powered member of the team, turns out to be the most powerful, and undergoes surgery to enhance her powers of weaponizing sound - the team bands together to stop her, and Klaus channels Dr. Hargreeves and Igor Stravinsky as part of the plan before using his telekinetic ability to stop pieces of the moon from slamming into Earth
  • Vol. 2 - Dallas - Klaus is captured by agents from the Temps Aeternalis, an organization overseeing time travel, in an attempt to find his brother Number Five, and murdered - he doesn't stay dead, however, returning to possess the agents and kill them in revenge (God kicks him out of Heaven)
  • He, Spaceboy, and the Kraken all travel back in time to Vietnam to stop Number Five from assassinating JFK and irrevocably altering history, but then have to stop the agents from also killing Number Five
  • Vol. 3 - Hotel Oblivion - Klaus is essentially a junkie being pimped out by a biker gang, who uses his ability to scam people into talking to their deceased relatives about hidden money, and then the gang leaders dig it up - Klaus turns on the abusers - he then joins his siblings in battling villains that escaped from an interdimensional prison built by their father - the volume ends with the team encountering the Sparrow Academy, a rival group of similarly powered "siblings"

• Issues - Theme is detachment (8:17)
  • Living surrounded by dead people
  • Drug use as a coping mechanism (15:24)
  • Relationship with siblings constantly strained, both by his own actions and those of the team, but he's always one of the most "loyal" members of the team (22:30)
• Break (27:59)
  • Plugs for BetterHelp, Hops Geek, and Gail Simone
• Treatment (30:11)
  • In-universe -
  • Out of universe - (33:22) Focus on getting the drug use addressed first, then address childhood trauma
• Skit (41:32)
  • DOC: Hello Klaus, I'm Dr. Issues.
  • KLAUS: Hello Doctor, pleased to meet you.
  • DOC: So what can I help you with?
  • KLAUS: I'm not sure. I don't know if you can help me. Not your fault, just that I don't think even a mental health professional can comprehend what I'm all about.
  • DOC: I'm not pretending to be an expert in everything, but I'm a relatively fast learner. Try me.
  • KLAUS: Ever been in a war?
  • DOC: No
  • KLAUS: Ever levitated?
  • DOC: No, but I've been around some people who can fly.
  • KLAUS: Ever shot up?
  • DOC: Can't say that I have.
  • KLAUS: Come On! I was giving you an easy one.
  • DOC: I work with peer counselors all of the time; I'm not going to lie to placate your sensibilities. I know it's not the same thing.
  • KLAUS: I'm not one for those "blank" A meetings anyway
  • DOC: Which ones? AA, NA?
  • KLAUS: Yes.
  • DOC: I see. It's interesting that you seem most closed off about the substance use when you also mentioned physical conflicts and the supernatural.
  • KLAUS: Oh no, I don't hide that either. I'm just tired of my abilities being used as a cheap parlor trick, or worse yet, as a way to scam money out of well-intentioned but clueless people.
  • DOC: Indeed. Entertaining a person doesn't garner their attention the same as having a conversation. I will say though, that the two don't have to be separate.
  • KLAUS: Well I don't "entertain" as much as "shock the hell out of" people, but I get your point. No, I can strike a balance. That's where the dynamic shifts. You think talking to someone in trouble is speaking to their soul. Man, I SPEAK TO THEIR SOUL.
  • DOC: What kind of lessons have you learned from that?
  • KLAUS: Their regrets, mostly. Even the dead can still worry. I bet there's some you'd like-
  • DOC: Don't go there.
  • KLAUS: Oh…*some sort of magical sound* Oh. I see. Well, that's awkward.
  • DOC: Not as much as you'd think. Us mere mortals may not delve into that realm as frequently as you, but that doesn't mean there isn't a connection. Every. Single. Day. Even just for a few moments.
  • KLAUS: Humor helps.
  • DOC: Don't I know it! Is that your go-to coping mechanism?
  • KLAUS: Plenty, but it's a quick fix. No, the problem, I think, is that there's no way to "move on" for me. Folks like you get that transition and go about your business. I'm just the chump that gets the feedback loop when others pass along. Gotta dampen that somehow.
  • DOC: That's a common plight among those who suffer from addiction
  • KLAUS: It's not all suffering, I
  • DOC: *interrupting*You enjoy it until you can't, yeah I realize that. What's your motivation to change?
  • KLAUS: *pause* I want to see where this goes.
  • DOC: I don't have a particular agenda for how many sessions
  • KLAUS: *interrupting* No, I mean ALL of this. It's a lot, man. I get put in spots where I'm expected to call on some sort of "great wisdom through the ages" but I just want to listen to some music. Notice the little things. Be trivial. That's not as bad as it seems. My family, they get bogged down with saving the world when they can't save themselves. Dad was…well, whatever the hell he was. That's what I've learned from the dead.
  • DOC: That's…more than I care to imagine. I try to put myself in someone else's shoes, but you…I don't even know where to begin.
  • KLAUS: Yeah, it's a trip. That's where all the… substances come in. Help clear my head. I figure if I have to see all kindsa weird stuff, at least I can do it to myself.
  • DOC: I can't even ask "why the pain?" Because it's obvious. Maybe a slight tweak. What do you FOR yourself?
  • KLAUS: I just told you.
  • DOC: Nope. You said TO yourself; as if your existence is a trivial one that can be used as a plaything. Just how important is your life compared to others?
  • KLAUS: I mean, what difference does it make about the value of my life? I've come back from the dead at least twice, so clearly life and death don't mean a whole helluva lot to me. And my siblings, well… I… "love" them, I guess. The world would be a lot worse off without them.
  • DOC: So you show grace to those you love, but not to yourself, because you've had an experience that's different from their own, AND YET, you view your unique experience as a negative to your self worth. That's what you're telling me? I don't buy it.
  • KLAUS: Oh, our experiences are negatives to all of us. Not one of us is happy for what we've been through. My point is just that compared to them, I'm somehow less well adjusted. I mean, it's what it is. I'm just calling it like I see it. Not looking for pity or anything, that ship sailed a long time ago.
  • DOC: Are these the things you told yourself when you died?
  • KLAUS: Which time? But seriously, I'm just trying to do the best with the cards I've been dealt. You a poker player?
  • DOC: For the sake of rapport…yes.
  • KLAUS: So I've got a three-eight offsuit. Flop came down Men's Wearhouse, all faces. I'm looking for a runner-runner and praying to pull trips. That's my daily existence. Get the picture?
  • DOC: Yup. But there's so much you're not saying that's vital to the hand. What's your position at the table? What are the stacks? Plus, you have a "cheater's edge" in your pocket. You're worried about what the dealer is going to think if you use inside information, not to mention the interactions that you have that can either bluff or intimidate the weak lays. There is so much more than basic math that would allow for you to come out with a fighting chance.
  • KLAUS: Hmph. Fair points, Amarillo Doc.I suppose I can do a better job of reading the players at the table. Any suggestions?
  • DOC: Start with yourself. Know your tells. Don't telegraph everything at once and wonder why everyone pushes you around with a bad hand. You have an ability that gets to see the turn and river over and over after the hand is done. Use that in how you deal with others.
  • KLAUS: And I suppose you'll recommend I do this all with a clear head?
  • DOC: Well, NO S**T.
  • KLAUS: I can't promise it'll be all the time. But I suppose I can take a break from time to time and get a better handle on things. Now that we're done with that, ever done shrooms?
  • DOC: I'll tell you what I tell most folks: Just say no to most drugs.
  • KLAUS: Well if you ever wanna take a trip with me, you know where to find me.
• Ending (62:11)
  • Recommended reading: Vol. 3 is heavily focused on Klaus
  • Next episodes: 150th episode, Moon Knight redux, Elsa Bloodstone
  • Plugs for social

References:

• Number Five episode - Anthony (3:56)
• Miss Minutes/Loki - Anthony (6:20)

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Taking a hiatus for a few weeks after Doc's mom passed away. Appreciate the support & understanding.