I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but where I live - this is what car rides with the women in my family are like.

* I have to drive. They don’t like my driving and they tell me that repeatedly. They holler at me when I drive too fast. They make fun of me when I drive too slow. They want me to come to a full and complete stop, unless we are running late and then they would prefer I do not come to a full and complete stop. They will say things like “you are never driving again..” “we should have never let her drive…” and my personal favorite, “I’m gonna tell your daddy how horrible you drive.” And yet, I will still have to drive the next time because one of them is tired and wants to sleep, one of them forget their glasses and one of them cannot drive over overpasses.

* I will not be allowed to make stops unless it is their idea. Do not think about stopping for a bathroom; in my family, that is unheard of. We get in the car to get to a place, not to stop for Icee’s, slurpee’s, bathrooms or gas. “You should have thought about getting all of that before we pulled out of town.” If they, however, have to stop then we will do it because they are the ones calling the shots. They have to stop because they are “getting stove up” (what does that mean? I have no idea.) or because there’s a Buccee’s and they could “stand a piece of fudge.”

* Count on them to sleep. They do not care that you are driving, that it is raining or that you can barely see the road in front of you. They are going to sleep. You may need a triple espresso to stay awake but it makes them no difference. They will sleep. And they will be furious with you if you pull into a Starbucks, so don’t even try it. My Aunt Melba will sleep if the drive is anywhere over 13 minutes. She’s all yours up until that point, but if you hit the 13 minute mark - count her out.

* They cannot hear into the back/front seat. If the person in the front is telling a story, she will have to tell it and then have me yell it to the person in the back. If the person in the back tells a story they will be asked to stop and wait until we get the restaurant.

* The restaurant we go to will always be Mexican. Always. This is a non-negotiable.

* Telling them a story will take four hours and they will understand exactly none of it. Be prepared to repeat yourself. And like the video I have provided for you, they will end up saying the exact same thing and giving themself credit for it.

And yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. What can I say? I love my Chicken Fried Women. Who are yours??

Mel

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