Howie and I are engaged to be married next Nov. 1. and I am the happiest woman in the world.

He is such a romantic!  On May 19 when he went to play golf in Philadelphia, his brother, a jeweler flew down from Raleigh to meet him and educate him about diamonds.  He’s known all this time and managed to not only keep a secret, but to fool me entirely.  I knew he loved me but figured it would be ten years before he would be able to commit to it.

 

We met Nov. 1, 2002 at the reception for Ed Sayers at the Florida Aquarium and the reason we got to know each other so well is that we both got there at 5:00 and no one else did until 5:30.  To celebrate our anniversary, Howie suggested that we go to Anna Maria Island for the weekend.  On Friday night, Halloween, we had gone to a lovely little restaurant called Euphemia Haye and had an intimate, candle lit dinner by the sea.

 

Saturday, Nov. 1 we met with Phil who was letting us borrow his brother’s house at 116 Maple (just a couple of houses off the beach) and he introduced us to Joe and Patsy who have purple clothes donation boxes all over the place so that we can put our signs out all over town and raise awareness for the cats.  Later we had a pic-nic on the beach, read and tanned ourselves and played in the gulf.  Back at the cottage, at 5:00 which is when we decided would actually have been a complete year, he hugged me with so much joy that it felt different than any hug before.  He is so good to me.

 

Howie had suggested that we take a bottle of Champaign out to the beach around six to watch the sun go down.  As the sun was sinking quickly to the horizon he handed me a big box and asked if I wanted to open my gift.  It was wrapped in beautiful, delicate white on white wrapping paper and as I tore away the paper the box said Neiman Marcus.  I commented on what an extravagant gift that must be and Howie said, “Nothing but the best for you.”

 

I was not prepared for what came next.  As I lifted the lid and peeled back the tissue paper, I saw, carefully mounted in place, a smaller black box that was open and holding a magnificent engagement ring.  In big script above it was a placard that said, “Will you marry me?” and underneath it read, “Hint:  The correct answer is Yes”.

 

As the reality of the moment enveloped me I burst into tears and buried my face into his chest.  I tried to say, “Yes, in this lifetime and in all nine”, (thinking of the birthday cards we had bought each other that we identical) but was sobbing too heavily to be understood.  Finally Howie asked if this meant, “yes” and I wrote in the sand: Yes!!!

 

He has made me the happiest woman in the world and I want to make him feel like king.  He is so good to me!

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Carole Asks Howie to Take a Formal Role at the Sanctuary Carole writes Howie At 03:53 PM 9/3/2003 -0400: This is another very good reason to have you take a more formal position within the sanctuary. You are the one who speaks with such eloquence, who thinks with such clarity and who is so accomplished at conveying the thought through your written word. I can't keep taking credit for all that YOU are doing to help us reach a higher level of professionalism. I need your help, desperately, but I don't need the glory... and frankly, can't live up to the expectation that cultivated by your endeavors. I know this is a rocky time, but when you are dealing with animal people there is never a good time for change. Give it some thought. - Carole Lewis, Founder Howie wrote: The time is not right. If I were to do that now, I would be so overwhelmed I would be unable to do that many tasks that I see that I think I can help with in my current position as somewhat behind the scenes and meeting the outside world as an Advisory Board Member. It would be like putting someone in a role before they fulfilled their training and setting them up to fail. I am learning daily and feel I am accomplishing things. Since I apparently have a standing invitation (which I do appreciate), how about let me tell you when/if I think the time comes to take a more formal role. When that time comes, I think you will find my decision to be a good one. - Howie I am the luckiest woman in the world! Dear Howie, Not a moment goes by that I am not thinking about you and reveling in how wonderful you are. I enjoyed reconnecting with you last night in such a wonderfully intimate way. I treasure the feel of you still. You are such a help to me in so many ways! With each email update of your progress I feel strengthened and renewed and ever more able to take on the challenges ahead. You are one of a kind and I am the luckiest woman in the world to be sharing this time with you! - Carole I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/ I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile! Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

We Eternally Come and Go From Each Other’s Lives Howie wrote: Coincidentally, as I was driving back from WOES earlier, I was thinking that if I were told today that I was dying, the happiness you have given me this past year, and the wonderful satisfaction I feel about the way you tell me I have done the same for your life, would allow me to leave with such a wonderful sense of peace and fulfillment. Not planning to exit anytime soon, but it was a wonderful feeling of calm and peace that accompanied this thought. At 11:30 AM 8/26/2003 -0400, Carole wrote Howie: Dear Howie, You write the best letters!!! I forwarded it to Jamie and suggested she modify it into a form letter to use when soliciting. Thank you for all that you do. A man wrote to me about his cat dying this morning and I suggested that I believe we are all eternal and come and go from each others lives to fulfill our purpose. It made me think more deeply about how precious this time with you is for me. I am so grateful for your love. - Carole Nicholas Cage in City of Angels Thank you Howie for putting so much time, effort and thought into this letter! I could never have made the case for us that you did. I am so proud of what we have become and feel so encouraged about what we can do. Thank you for expressing it in such a positive manner. With your assistance I know we can achieve accreditation this time around. I was thinking about how you remind me of Nicholas Cage in City of Angels. You have brought such bliss to my life. You are such a beautiful person and such a blessing to me. You make me so happy and give me the strength I need to keep trying. You could not have come along at a better time. Thank you for being all that you are! - Carole I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/ I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile! Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

It Feels So Good to Experience Such Tranquility Dear Howie, I awoke this morning feeling so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. You make every morning that much more inviting to awake to and have brought such peace to my sleep and dreams. It feels so good to experience such tranquility. I owe it all to you. We Change Our Name to Big Cat Rescue On the day that marked the sixth year after Don’s disappearance we officially changed the name of the sanctuary from Wildlife on Easy Street (WOES) to Big Cat Rescue. The timing was coincidental and I didn’t even realize it until now, when I was updating emails in this diary and realized I’d never told the story of how we changed our name. I had posted an email by Howie earlier where he mentioned The Dutcher Group but here is the rest of the story. Jamie wanted us to put on a formal gala as a fundraiser for the sanctuary. In the course of helping us do that Howie, Jamie and I had met with Devin Dutcher, who at the time was dating an attorney friend of Howie’s named Russ Alba of the Black Swan Legal Group. She set up a pro bono meeting with her staff that included Susan Bass, Michael Schillig, Geoff and another woman or two that I’ve now forgotten. Howie starts by introducing us and saying we need some marketing advice and we’re from Wildlife on Easy Street. Devin says, “Wildlife on Easy Street? That’s unfortunate.” She says it gives the idea that we don’t need help; our cats are on Easy Street. As the team talks it through, they point out that it also doesn’t say what we do, since all we do is rescue exotic cats, not all kinds of wildlife. We came for gala marketing advice and ultimately left with a new name and logo. I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/ I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile! Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

How long would you like me to talk about the Big Cat Public Safety Act?  Do you prefer and Q & A format, or exactly what are you looking for in the presentation? Praising Howie’s Looks Since It Matters To Him Dear Howie, I cannot express the level of peace that you bring to my life in so many ways! As I was skating I was thinking about how good you looked as you left this morning. You have so many talents and keep them in such a wonderful "wrapper". I felt peace in knowing that you care and that you were headed out to help me do something that I could not do without you. I cannot thank you enough. I cannot thank God enough for allowing our paths to cross. I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/ I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile! Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

If I Only Had One Hour to Live

Dear Howie,  You asked me how I'd like to spend the last hour before leaving for work and the answer would have been the same if I had only one hour left on this earth.  I cannot imagine anything more wonderful than being connected to you in such a loving and intimate embrace.

 

 

Howie said:  I love you so much.

And I don't think I can find a way to say or have you understand what you have added and done to my life.  Sometimes I still get a little nervous, feeling like I have been lifted by a space ship into a different world.  But mostly, I am enjoying the excitement of this new world and slowly and steadily, as it becomes more familiar, I expect that ratio to continue to shift.

 

I tried to write more on this but it did not come out right and I need to leave for your Mom's.  Mostly, I just want you to know that you did not have to worry that you might have made me uncomfortable last night when you said "I love you so much."   In fact, it brought back to me the wonderful feeling I had when, in a similar moment of passion months ago, I said the same to you.

 

Dear Howie,  Thank you for your kindness this morning.  I really needed to hear that.  I don’t spend a lot of time crying about the past.  That’s wasted energy.  My tears last night were largely due to fear of repeating the past.  In my life, everything is always about me.  It has always been that way and as much as I try to be aware of that tendency and change it, I am ever aware that my choices directly affect those that I love.

 

Some cases are easy to live with.  I am okay with my parents working for me because I pay them better than anyone else ever did and they are getting to do what they want.  I am okay with the Easy Street staff and volunteers following my vision because they were drawn to it by its alignment with their own needs.  Same goes for the supporters because everyone needs something to believe in and I know that their support won’t be squandered.

 

Others are harder.  The movie, Riding Around in Cars with Boys, could have been written by Jamie.  That was her father.  That was her life.  Having never paid attention to her as a child, I did not see at the time, what that life must have felt like until watching it last night.  I have always taken comfort in the fact that she has done so well, but to hear the young man say that he wasn’t “normal” because he couldn’t choose to live his own life if it meant not being there for his mother, struck a chord.

 

Jamie wanted to go to college.  She wanted to join the marines.  She wanted to trot around the world as a free lance photographer.  I have always said that I would support her, and I would have, but I cannot help but believe that she has chosen to forego her own dreams because she cannot bring herself to “abandon” me, in the way that I have emotionally abandoned her all these years.

 

The only way I can see to rectify this is to make Easy Street so strong and self sufficient that she can feel free to walk away from it if that is what she chooses, with no feeling of a negative impact on me.  I think her love for the animals and her ability to use her creative talents in the way she does are things that she won’t be able to find elsewhere, but I would like for her to feel free to find that out for herself, rather than working from a sense of obligation.   These things will eventually happen.

 

Knowing how to stay present with you is the hardest.  You are the most wonderful part of my life and I don’t want to blow it by falling into a too-well-established pattern of self centeredness.  You are so supportive of me and my dreams, my needs, my desires…  Even the way you make love with me is so giving and so selfless.  I know that it is not because I am so deserving, but because that is just the way you are.  I see you giving so much of yourself to everyone around you.

 

I don’t want to wake up one day and find that I was so caught up in what I wanted to accomplish that

House passed the Captive Animal Protection Act H.R. 1006

Dear Howie,  I am listening to a CD called Tuesdays with Morrie.  It is about a man who is dying from Lou Gehrig’s disease and his reflection on what was important in life.  This morning I awoke thinking about what he said about family.  He said the difference between family and friends is that even well meaning friends usually won’t be there for you when you can’t adjust your own pillow or wipe your own behind, but family is there for you without fail.

 

Family, he said, will never leave you.  He was speaking of blood relatives, but he included his wife and the person narrating the CD who had been a former student.  Family are those who have an unconditional love for you.  It is the way I feel about you.  (besides, I love stroking your behind)

 

Tuesday the House passed the Captive Animal Protection Act H.R. 1006 and Wednesday it went very well in the Senate for the bill  S 269.  Woo Hoo!

 

From Howie:  Read the book - it is on the shelf.  I'd wipe your behind too!

 

Written from the future (1/24/2021) Up until now in my diary I haven’t been writing about the progression of my efforts to end the abuse of big cats via the legislative process.  I saw from the work we did to end pig gestation crates in Florida back in the 90s that legislation was the fastest way to end abuse of animals.  In the late 90s a bill Tippi Hedren called The Shambala Act was introduced and it failed year after year until the 2002 introduction which was largely led by the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and perhaps the International Fund for Animal Welfare (IFAW).   That was when I got involved and started rallying our growing mail list from visitors to Wildlife on Easy Street to contact their members of Congress.  The large organizations had amazing tools for connecting supporters their legislators, but I couldn’t afford those.  

 

By 2002 I had figured out html code for our website which was originally created in FrontPage and later converted to DreamWeaver.  I would study the underlying code in how the big organizations’ online forms worked and then recreated them, to the best of my ability, to function the same way.  Not having the underlying engine, I had to insert connections to lawmakers manually, but it was easy for my supporters to take action and I felt it was worth the time and effort on my part to make sure they were heard.  The new version of the Shambala Act, this time called the Captive Wildlife Safety Act to distance the bill from Tippi’s version, was re introduced in 2002 and I was all in!  Tippi didn’t want the circus exempted, and neither did anyone else, but Kenneth Feld was too politically connected for that version to ever pass back then.  

 

The Captive Wildlife Safety Act passed unanimously in a Republican controlled Congress and under a Republican President and it made it illegal to sell a big cat, across state lines, as a pet.  It became law in December of 2003.  Ever since then my primary mission has been to close the loopholes in that law to end the cub handling and to phase out private possession of big cats.  

 

House passed the Captive Animal Protection Act H.R. 1006

Dear Howie,  I am listening to a CD called Tuesdays with Morrie.  It is about a man who is dying from Lou Gehrig’s disease and his reflection on what was important in life.  This morning I awoke thinking about what he said about family.  He said the difference between family and friends is that even well meaning friends usually won’t be there for you when you can’t adjust your own pillow or wipe your own behind, but family is there for you without fail.

 

Family, he said, will never leave you.  He was speaking of blood relatives, but he included his wife and the person narrating the CD who had been a former student.  Family are those who have an unconditional love for you.  It is the way I feel about you.  (besides, I love stroking your behind)

 

Tuesday the House passed the Captive

I Don't Know How To Love Him

Performed by Helen Reddy

 

I don't know how to love him

What to do, now to move him

I've been changed yes really changed

In these past few days when I see myself

I seem like someone else

 

I don't know how to take this

I don't see why he moves me

He's a man he's just a man

And I've had so many men before

In very many ways, he's just one more

 

Should I bring him down

Should I scream and shout

Should I speak of love let my feeling out

I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about

 

Don't you think it's rather funny

I should be in this position

I'm the one who's always been

So calm, so cool, no lover's fool

Running every show, he scares me so

 

Yet, if he said he loved me

I'd be lost, I'd be frightened

I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope

I'd turn my head, I'd back away

I wouldn't want to know, he scares me so

I want him so, I love him so

 

Howie and I were talking in the car today about our early weeks.  I told him how I would sit out front in my truck and make myself sick before going in to see him, because I was so nervous and didn’t want to blow it with him.  He said it reminded him of this song and I told him I had thought so at the time and had written the words down, but it was lost in the computer crash, so I looked it up online today and sent it to him.

 

We took Jamie and Daniel to see Cats last night.  I paid for their trip to Chicago to see Dave Matthew’s Band for her birthday and today we are shopping for a Mac for her to work with.  I close on my refi of the island tomorrow.  I am borrowing 182,350.00 15 years 5% and getting an additional 45,000.00 credit line.  I don’t need the money, but couldn’t pass up these low interest rates.

 

I Don't Know How To Love Him

Performed by Helen Reddy

 

I don't know how to love him

What to do, now to move him

I've been changed yes really changed

In these past few days when I see myself

I seem like someone else

 

I don't know how to take this

I don't see why he moves me

He's a man he's just a man

And I've had so many men before

In very many ways, he's just one more

 

Should I bring him down

Should I scream and shout

Should I speak of love let my feeling out

I never thought I'd come to this

What's it all about

 

Don't you think it's rather funny

I should be in this position

I'm the one who's always been

So calm, so cool, no lover's fool

Running every show, he scares me so

 

Yet, if he said he loved me

I'd be lost, I'd be frightened

I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope

I'd turn my head, I'd back away

I wouldn't want to know, he scares me so

I want him so, I love him so

 

Howie and I were talking in the car today about our early weeks.  I told him how I would sit out front in my truck and make myself sick before going in to see him, because I was so nervous and didn’t want to blow it with him.  He said it reminded him of this song and I told him I had thought so at the time and had written the words down, but it was lost in the computer crash, so I looked it up online today and sent it to him.

 

We took Jamie and Daniel to see Cats last night.  I paid for their trip to Chicago to see Dave Matthew’s Band for her birthday and today we are shopping for a Mac for her to work with.  I close on my refi of the island tomorrow.  I am borrowing 182,350.00 15 years 5% and getting an additional 45,000.00 credit line.  I don’t need the money, but couldn’t pass up these low interest rates.

Pleasing Howie

Get thin and stay that way

Keep a positive attitude

Be attentive to his needs for love, touch (back rubs) and healing

Show appreciation for all he does for me and for my dreams

Be an asset to him in his web of friendships that make him feel needed and loved

Nurturing Jamie

Praise her accomplishments

Spend time with her

Listen to her non verbal communication and respond

Help her to grow and realise her full potential

Show appreciation for all she does for me and for my dreams

Causing family members to feel needed and cared about

Spend time with them

Applaude their efforts

Discover what they want from life and how I can help them get it

Show appreciation for all they do for me and for my dreams

Encouraging others to be their best

Get to know the volunteers better

Discover what they want from life and how I can help them get it

Show appreciation for all they do for me and for my dreams

Get to know our donors better, what they want and how I can help them get it

Reach out to people other than our volunteers with kindness

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Howie Asks Alan Lorber for Tax Advice Howie wrote: Alan Lorber (Howie’s elderly cousin) is very smart and very good at estate planning and tax matters, his specialty. His answer was more complex than my simple question. He would be happy to help if you would like to talk with him. What he does not know, he can readily find out. Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2003 18:54:30 -0400 (EDT). From: ALANL Subject: Re: - Life Insurance, Etc. To: hbaskin Hi Howie: Life insurance is subject to federal estate tax. But since it went to a wife, it qualifies for the marital deduction. Result: no tax. A more important question. Is Carole required to file a federal estate tax return? If her husband's estate exceeded a "certain amount", the answer is "yes" although there would not be a tax because of the marital deduction. The "certain amount" depends on the "gross" value of his estate for estate tax purposes and the particular year in which he died. I do not know if "the year he died" for federal estate tax purposes is the year in which he was declared dead, or the year he first disappeared. So E-mail me both years and also mail me a copy of the court order which determined he died. In determining the "gross" amount of her husband's estate for estate tax purposes, you must include, among other things, bank accounts, annuities, securities, real estate, IRA accounts, pension/profit plan funds, collections, and 1/2 of any property they owned with right of survivorship, such as a residence. I do not know if assets are valued at time or disappearance or at the time the court entered its order. - Alan Dear Howie, Thank you for inquiring about the necessity of a tax return on the estate. My CPA, who is a tax attorney, says that I don't have to pay tax on the estate, because it is calculated as of the day of death and since we had 5 and a 1/2 years to prepare for that, there was nothing left in "the estate" by the time Don was legally declared dead in December of 2002. He disappeared August 18, 1997. I am told that the IRS does not consider you dead until you are legally declared dead. There were a few million in assets still in the conservatorship, as of the end of last year, but those were all in trusts of which I was the beneficiary. The conservatorship froze those assets during the term of the past 5 years in the event Don should show back up and contest my rights. I had trust documents on each property, signed by Don, but our secretary and his kids were accusing me of having undue influence over Don since he couldn't read nor write. They hired a part time, hobbyist, document examiner who said, that the signatures "might not have been authentic." I hired two very large firms who said they definitely were Don's signature, plus I had the notary and the witnesses who all attested to the authenticity, so the only route the kids and Anne could take was to say that I unduly influenced Don to sign them. Had I lost that battle, then I would not have been able to be a co-conservator for the past 5 years and everything I had worked for would have been invested by the other co-conservator into safe things, like stocks, and in retrospect, what a loss that would have been. I consented to subjecting the estate to the co conservatorship and later was able to prove (what I believed to be) his incompetence and was awarded sole conservatorship. At the time of my consent there was over 2 million that was Don's, but I gave 1.2 to his kids and the conservatorship costs and fees and attorney fees ate up the other 1 million, plus. That left "the estate" owing me hundreds of thousands of dollars. We (the kids, the secretary and I) had all agreed to not include the insurance policy in the estate. Their attorney asked to set it up that way and mine said it didn't matter, so I agreed. We have each agreed to pay whatever our own portion of the tax is, if any. By exempting it from the estate, I don't know if there would be tax consequences on it now. My CPA tried to call me at