Carole Baskins Diary

Howie Invites Me to Dinner

 

(Photo was a little later on, taken by his elderly neighbor MaryAnn, after a dinner with her in her apartment next door to where Howie lived on Hawthorne Pond in the Gandy area)

 

I was so taken with Howie the night we met that I came home the night after meeting him at the aquarium and wrote Mary Hessler Key an email under the guise of thanking her for a lovely event, but my real reason was in the final line, “I enjoyed meeting your friend Howard, and if he asks, here’s my number...”

 

Howie was 52 and had never been married so Mary was all over him to call me right away.  Some women just can’t see a perfectly good bachelor go to waste, and she probably figured it would make him more interested in helping with her pet cause.  Howie had broken up a year prior from a woman he had thought was “the one.”  He’d been so broken by the ending of that relationship that he stopped dating.  Right before Mary’s event Howie says he sat at his desk, looked out the window and asked the Universe to bring him the right woman.  

 

He often tells this story and says that with the first couple of days three people had called setting him up with blind dates.  Two of the people were people he never dreamed would do such a thing, but he credited the Universe with giving him some options.  The night we had met we had talked until about 7PM and then rather abruptly he announced he was going home.  I thought it was going pretty well, but he didn’t ask for my number, so I didn’t know what to make of him.  Later he would tell me that as he was walking to his car he thought to himself that I was an attractive and interesting person and he probably should have asked me to dinner, or at least gotten my number, but then decided he just wanted to go home and read.

 

After giving Mary my number to pass on, I didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks.  To hear Howie tell it, he’d invited his neighbors over for dinner Friday and realized the Monday prior, after dating and not much liking any of the blind dates, that he didn’t have a date for that night.  He said, “I remember that blonde at the aquarium that Mary was all over me to call, but it’s been weeks without hearing from me, so she’ll probably hang up on me for calling her on such late notice.  He said he was holding the phone away from his ear because he was so sure I’d slam it down.  He had no idea how breathless I’d been for this call. 

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

I Met Howie And My Life Changed Forever

 

(Photo is Howie on our Wedding Day 11/1/2004)

 

After the scary ordeal with Jay Baykal, I’d dated a number of men including Bob Solomon, another guy with a foot fetish I met at a Sailing Club, a contractor who was selling a house on Pelican Island, Mr. America (Collins), and others I’ve totally forgotten, but I didn’t let any of them to move in.  

 

Howard Eugene Baskin and I met met at the kick off party for a new concept that Mary Hessler Key was introducing to Tampa Bay called No More Homeless Pets. The coalition was being formed to end euthanasia of healthy dogs and cats in shelters by implementing an aggressive spay and neuter program. Big Cat Rescue is one of the founding members of No More Homeless Pets of Hillsborough County.

 

At that party, Howie won my adoration immediately because he had actually visited WildLife on Easy Street and knew who we were when it seemed that no one in the area had ever heard of us.  Mary Key had suggested he visit us with his little foster brother, Eric years before.  Mary had invited her best friend, Howie, to the kick off party because she wanted to get him involved.  

 

At dinner parties Howie is always the one who tells our “meeting story” but this time I get to tell it.  Mary had sent out paper invitations to the kick off party at the Florida Aquarium for 5:00 PM, but she later sent out an email, changing the time to 5:30. Of all the people who got invitations, Howie and I were the only ones who didn’t read the email because we already had the paper invites.  At 5PM when I arrived at the aquarium there was just one person going up the ramp ahead of me.  He was tall, thin, wearing a grey suit and had a spine that bent him slightly to the left.  His gate was stiff and I thought to myself, “I could sure loosen him up!”

 

He heard me behind him, as we were the only people in the area, and turned to ask if I was going to this “pet function.”  I moved up beside him and we chatted as we walked the ramp to the room where the event was to take place.  Arriving there was one whole wall of glass and the beautiful fish on the other side.  The room was full of candle lit tables and there was a bar tender in the corner of the room.  Howie said it was pretty odd that NO ONE, not even the host, Mary, was here suggesting that maybe they were in another room.  He went up to the bartender and asked.

 

Coming back to where I was sitting at a table he said, “Turns out the whole thing was a sham that Mary set up so you and I would meet!”  He’s always been good at delivering a straight faced one liner and I was speechless.  Once he saw that his statement had its desired effect he confessed that the event wasn’t supposed to start until 5:30 and we later learned from Mary about the content of the email correcting that.

 

I was smitten immediately.  I’d been seeing a hypnotherapist  about my weight, my shame and my horrible choices in men.  I’d decided that the next guy I’d date would be someone I’d never be attracted to ordinarily.  Howie certainly fit that description.  I’ve never cared about a man’s physical appearance.  I think that’s shallow.  My previous predilection was for the “bad boys” and this guy was like meeting Mr. Rogers,  right down to the closet full of sweater vests.  It’s how I first described him to Jamie and my mom too.  Turns out to be the best decision I ever made.

 

The following is Howie’s bio:

 

Mr. Baskin is a semi-retired management consultant who works with early stage and fast growing companies in the areas of strategic planning, finance and operations.  He conducts strategic planning sessions, creates financial forecasts and monitors performance against them, assists in developing financial presentations, marketing materials, and management reports to monitor both financial and non-financial metrics.  In some cases he actively negotiates transactions on behalf of clients.

 

Mr. Baskin is a graduate of Union College in Schenec

Jay Cihangir Baykal Affair Ends with an Eviction & Restraining Order

 

This photo was from his LinkedIn profile in 2018 because I have no photos of Jay from 2002.

After breaking up with Peter Kent I met Jay Baykal on Match.com.  He lived in Orlando so it was a long drive for me once or twice a week to be with him and he rarely drove over to Tampa.  I was living at the Island.  He was Turkish and called himself the “Cotton King” saying his father owned Sanko and had sent him to the U.S. to be his primary buyer.  Jay had asked me to marry him within 3 weeks of meeting me and that should have sent up a red flag.  I was so impressed that he wanted me to turn the sanctuary over to my daughter and come be with him.  I had come to feel that all any man wanted me for was monetary gain.  He lavished me in gold and jewels and became increasingly paranoid and jealous. 

 

I wouldn’t leave the sanctuary so he moved in with me and brought all of his furniture within a month or so of our meeting so he would know where I was at night.  It got worse and he started insisting that I not go to work at the sanctuary and began worrying that my daughter and family were going to come between us.  He was very rough with me sexually, and just kept getting weirder and weirder, by not letting me leave the house.  When he said he’d kill my daughter and family so they wouldn’t be a threat to his relationship with me, I knew I had to end it.  The only way to make him move out was to file a tenant eviction, even though he paid no rent.

 

He didn’t take that well.  I got a restraining order after he dragged me by the hair with a 9mm Glock pistol to my head.  (It took that much violence to get the order!)

 

I waited until he was out of the house and had the locks on the house and gate changed.   When he called me screaming, I told him I’d ship his furniture back to his house in Orlando on my own tab, but I never wanted to see him again.  I told him that threatening to kill my family was the last straw.  I’d put up with a lot, but I wasn’t going to be with someone who would hurt them.   I hoped that letting him know that would protect them from any retaliation.  

 

I shipped his stuff back to him, including every piece of jewelry he’d ever given me; which was considerable.  I filed a tenant eviction against him on 10/16/02 in case number 02-CC-025052 and the next day had to get a restraining order against him due to his violence on 10/17/02 in case number 02-DR-017308.  

 

The court records have been destroyed and I don’t know how, or if it is even possible to get a copy now, but the end result was he was out and couldn’t come back anywhere near me. 

 

I didn’t know it until years later, but in retaliation on 10/18/02 he filed falsely for a restraining order against me.  It was denied the same day because the judge said there was no threat, and I never actually saw a copy of it until 2020 when I pulled it off one of my critic’s websites.  I guess he figured it would be a lasting way to cast doubt on my integrity and innocence.  

 

Hillsborough County Official Records Book 12139 page 167 on 10/18/02

 

Jay Baykal  cell phone   home phone 

 

A 2006 background search showed he had been arrested May 5, 1993 D753712 in Horry, S.C. on felony charges which were dropped in 1995.  No further info is available on the report.  On May 10, 2006 he was arrested for stalking in Sanford, FL case number 2006MM004516A while still living at xxxx Crystal View Dr, Orlando, FL. He had some charges for drug possession and traffic violations since then as well.  

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be peop

Don’s daughters had been all over me to declare Don dead, presumably so they could get their hands on the life insurance money.  If you check out the Death Certificate you will see that it is Don’s daughter, Donna Pettis, who apparently provided the info for Don’s Death Certificate declaring him dead 5 years and 1 day from the date of his disappearance 8/18/1997.  Looks like the Order signed by Judge Sexton was 11/14/2002 and I first saw the Death Certificate on February 3, 2003.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Timeline of Anne Holding Up Conservatorship and Insurance

(I copied this from the file folder I have called Anne McQueen Contempt in preparation for our upcoming 2020 lawsuit with her.  I pasted it here as the last date in the file was July 30, 2002.  It shows that I had to fight her in court for 3.5 years as of 7/30/2002 to get her to comply with what we had all agreed to on 12/4/1998.  As of 7/30/2002 she still had not complied.) 

 

12/4/98 Stipulations (on how to divide the assets) agreed to by all

12/8/98 Anne's attorney Leroy Merkle faxes my attorney Craig Rothburd saying he's paid Anne 50k and paid himself but that they are holding up our documents and remaining funds because Anne won't authorize him to comply.

12/17/98 Stipulation ratified by the judge in 97-2001

1/20/99 I filed a motion for contempt against Anne for failure to comply

10/1/99 I state that I believe Anne has caused $22,626.40 in attorney fees just since 3/99

10/27/99 Anne is disputing only the charges against Gaschler & Thomas Cir. and hasn't even come up with the A/P (accounts payable) idea yet

12/2/99 We sent the deeds and assignments of mortgage to Anne for the 3rd time.  By this time she is asking for a hearing on the A/P

2/29/2000 Judge Sexton sustained our Objections to Merkle's erroneous report

5/19/2000 Order recorded on the above

7/26/2000 Case Management Conference

12/22/2000 The court granted my Motion for Turnover of Disputed Property

1/10/2001 My attorney, Rothburd wrote Anne's attorney Merkle, asking them to comply.

1/11/2001 Merkle turns over $10,790.83 but no deeds or assignments of mortgage from Anne. He's no longer her lawyer.  Joseph Fritz now is her attorney in the Wendy Williams suit against us.

3/19/2001 Anne's attorney quit and we had a hearing before Judge Sexton

6/13/2001 had to set a hearing on Motion to Compel Anne to comply and for sanctions against Merkle.

8/29/2001 had to set a hearing on Anne's objections to the General Master's Report

9/24/2001 Letter from my attorney Rothburd saying the girls' attorney Clifford Opp was still trying to craft the Irrevocable Trust for the Insurance proceeds that Anne would agree to.

10/22/2001 My attorney writes to Anne saying it's been a month since we wrote you last and we still need to deal with the Insurance Trust.

2/26/2002 Letter from my attorney, Rothburd to girls' attorney Opp asking if they were having any luck getting Anne to sign the Insurance Trust agreement.

4/30/2002 Anne's attorney Joseph Fritz writes my attorney Rothburd and says Anne's not happy with the Insurance Trust agreement

5/1/2002 My attorney Rothburd writes me saying Anne was still not signing.

7/30/2002 My attorney Rothburd writes me saying Anne was still not signing but he thinks she will soon.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Mom and Dad’s Personality Test

 

I was interested in the Enneagram and asked my parents to take the test.  I am an 8.  The following is my mother’s email to me with her findings.  

 

The tests were very interesting and not at all what you might expect.  I noticed I chose more "not relate" than your dad - he seemed to relate to everything.  Below are the results:

 

Vern : This seems like he is Helper and Peacemaker - ?????

 

Barb : This seems to put me at Challenger and Helper - which I would agree with.  I do want peace and feel people should do the best they can to get along so maybe we could combine 7, 8 and 9.  I note I had zero for 4 which is investigator.  I am always looking for things to "match" and keep facts in my mind at all times to see if anything does not make sense.

 

I wrote:  You are right.  I was surprised.  I think you might have the number on the wheel in the wrong place though, because you had highest scores for 7 and 1, and 7 is the Enthusiast and 1 is the Reformer.  8 is the Challenger and 2 is the Helper.

 

All personalities have a main number, with a wing.  If you are a 7, your wing could be the 6 or 8 because you have equal scores for them.

 

The really neat thing is that under stress, the 7 goes to 5 which is the Investigator.  If you look at the diagram, look at the line going backward from the 7 and it will land on 5.

 

When you are most in touch with yourself, you go forward the same way to 1 and you will exhibit the finer qualities  of the 1.

 

She writes:  I am a 2, with a 3 wing.  It means I use other people to help me succeed, but I do it in such a way that they are empowered along the way.  Under stress I go to 8 and become controlling and bossy.  When I am relaxed I go to 4, which is the creative side of me.

 

Dad is even more of an enigma to me and I can't quite figure out his pattern.  I said from the beginning that I could quite figure him out.  His highest scores were 1, the Reformer (perfectionist) and 8 which is the Challenger.  8's are always self employed because they cannot stand for anyone to tell them what to do.  8's go back to 5, just like 7's do and that fits.  When 8's are relaxed, they go to the higher qualities of the 2, which is in Helping and often being the power behind the throne, so that fits.

 

1's go backward, under stress to the unhealthy side of 7 and become scattered in their approach, and that doesn't fit.  7's go forward to the higher creativity of the 4 when they are relaxed, and that does fit.  

 

I responded:  Actually, the ultimate goal is to incorporate only the highest level of every personality type so it sounds like you two are well on your way there.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Dilemma of Dons Disappearance

In my upcoming dilemma it is the unknown that I fear.  If Don didn't die in an accident, involving his own poor judgment and a plane, then the alternative could be that he was killed.  There was enough media coverage and investigation by me and the police that if he were still walking around, someone would have turned him in for the 100k reward I offer.

 

I didn't kill Don.  I have loved him since I was 19 and he taught me everything I know about business.  If I had killed Don, I would know what the pitfalls were.  I would know what to cover and what to do to be prepared for his discovery.  I would have some sort of control over the situation and some comfort level.

 

If Don was killed by someone else, then my fear is that when it starts getting close to crunch time, the person responsible will plant something at Easy Street that would indicate me.  Too many people have access to what was our home at the time.  Right after his disappearance someone was planting bones in strange places, such as the back seat of my daughter's car.  The bones turned out to be excavated from the grave site of one of our llamas, which would implicate one of our workers.  It seemed to me to be a message that someone knew what happened and intended to blame me for it when the time was right (like after the insurance pays off).  Anyone with such intimate knowledge of our lives, our compound and who either still has access, or could influence someone who could gain access (like an overnight cabin guest) could plant anything, any time, any where and I would have no idea.

 

If I dwell on it, I can get pretty freaked out.  Anne has the most to lose, since she is the one who was involved in changing Don's life insurance policy 4 months before he disappeared, she is the one who Don said convinced him that he didn't need to see a specialist about his dementia, she is the one who tried to take over my business with the conservatorship and she is the one who seems to keep trying to stir Don's children up against me.  If I were convicted, she walks away with 1,125,000.00 and no cloud of suspicion on her actions, because she will then be perceived as having tried to protect Don.

 

The only thing that keeps me from going stark raving mad, knowing that this is heating up, and worse that if Don is never found, then it will always hang over my head, is that jail would be bliss compared to my current stress.  I could read and write and probably manage my business better without all the daily interruptions, as long as I had access to the Internet.

 

That came out of no where this morning and I find myself shaking as I write, so I must feel this more deeply than I usually let myself know.  

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

I dreamed that it was dark, here on the island (7106 Riverwood Boulevard, Tampa, FL 33615) and I was walking from the canal side up to the house, when I saw the outline of something unfamiliar in the place where my unused hammock sways.  A very loud boat came down the canal, and turned north on the creek.  I watched the silhouette pass by and thought he must be going out to fish in the pre dawn glow.  Turning my attention back to the angled forms under the trees, I saw that it was a huge model of a house, cut into fragments and half buried in the dirt.  The windows were all empty, and black and burned from the inside out.  There was nothing of any value left in the doll house.  It seemed to be cut in half, or half buried in the dirt and the rooms were all disconnected and set at angles that would make if very difficult to bring them all back together into a usable structure.

 

I saw the silhouette of  my first husband, Mike Murdock, on the ridge of the creek bank and followed him into the real house.  Inside, my house didn’t look the same at all.  It was a mess of clutter and totally disorganized.  Mike never said a word to me, but led me to some papers in plastic envelopes on the table.  The sleeves were like the ones that all of the documents that were disputed by Don’s children were kept in.  I couldn’t make out the texts on the pages, but notice that my wedding date to Don was scribbled on the outer edge of one and they all had a thin green border.

 

There were other notes, like someone would take if they had me under surveillance around the time of my wedding, which was 10/10/91.  All of the notes were in Mike’s handwriting and I found it odd, even in the dream, that I would remember Mike’s penmanship so clearly, some 16 years after having been around him.  I took a pen and drew a line around the outside edge of the green border, but even at the time, didn’t know why.

 

Everywhere I went in the house, I was being stalked by Mike, but felt he was pretty harmless, so I felt more annoyed than fearful.

 

The meaning?   I am not sure.  It was a lucid dream and stayed with me this morning, but it still doesn’t make much sense.  I felt like the contents of the plastic sleeves was probably important, but I couldn’t see them then and couldn’t even guess now what was in them or why I drew a line on the sleeve.

 

The burned out house where my sanctuary (hammock) is supposed to be is pretty obvious.  Under this current stress, I feel burned out and empty and lacking value, because it is hard for me to fight for my own peace of mind.  It is hard to ask Peter to leave and give me the space I need to rebuild, because I feel like no person of any real value could be so selfish.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Dream of Dodging Bullets While Protecting Baby

Monday night, my dreams reminded me of a Bruce Willis action film and I haven’t figured out the symbolism yet.  I exit an elevator into a busy downtown district.  Cars and people are whizzing past.  There is a sense of urgency in the air as I run to fire up my old, rust coloured pick up truck.  I laid my sleeping infant on the front, bucket seat and put my toddler in the back seat of the cab.  The seats are thread bare and dirty, and the inside of the truck is covered in dust and littered with debris.

 

Someone is shooting at me and the bullets are striking the body of the truck and some have pierced the glass.  Bullets strike the dash and seats but the children and I are not hit.  I am driving at breakneck speeds and when I make the turns, I have to reach out with one hand to keep the sleeping baby from sliding off the seat.  The toddler vacillates from terror to ecstasy at the wild ride.  Screeching to a halt in a gas station, the baby slides to the floor.  I run around to the passenger side and lift the sleeping child back onto the seat.  I am absolutely amazed that the little one has managed to sleep through this entire, hair-raising experience.

 

It was a couple of days before I could take the time to write this and I lost a lot of the details between then and now.  As I write these words, it strikes me that I have been racing through life.  I have been dodging bullets.  I have been running from unseen tormentors.  I have been running for my life.  I have been carrying the inner child with me.

 

Part of me has been sleep walking and unaware of  the drama I have called my life.  Part of me has oscillated between enjoying the ride and being terrified of what comes next.  Perhaps the message is that even if I stop to refuel, I will not die.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Sunday night after breath work session.  I am looking at the ocean and it is divided.  In the far distance it is calm, like glass.  In the foreground it is raging and treacherous.  There is a dock, dividing the two sides. I have been on planes and trains and shuttles to get to this guide, who has been waiting patiently on the dock.  I feel apologetic and frantic, but the guide is warm and welcoming and makes me feel at ease.  He is beautiful, strong and capable and I trust him to lead me from here.

 

He says that another boat will be along soon and that others are completing their journey.  I am waiting what seems to be forever to start this journey.  It feels like I have waited my whole life to find my way on this ocean and I am becoming increasingly impatient with those who are taking so long to bring the boat back to the dock.

 

In my impatience, I wade out into the stormy waters.  I know the undertow is strong, but feel like, if I am careful, I won’t get pulled under.  A young girl calls to me from behind and says that I have her story in my hands.  I think she is being foolish, but then, looking at my right hand, I see I am carrying a piece of tattered notebook paper.  On it is a handwriting that I do not recognize and I am embarrassed to have taken something that was not mine.  Sheepishly, I give the girl the page and she is gone.

 

Finally the boat comes back and I am eager to get in.  I see that the rivets are loose and have some ambivalence, but I have waited too long, and ignoring the potential for danger, I set out to find myself.

 

Some of this is easy to understand.  The waters always look calmer on the other side.  I have always taken care of and waited on others and spending all of my energy this way has delayed my own needs.  Currently I am waiting for Peter to get his act together and leave before I can feel fully alone.  I feel the need to deal with this fear and over come it if I am to ever find true peace.

 

The life I am carrying that belongs to someone else is puzzling.  Perhaps, I am the young girl, asking for my life back.  I am not sure why I am so embarrassed at having taken her life.  Remorse I could understand, but not embarrassment.  Perhaps it is because the inner otter, who gets the whole cosmic joke, has chided me for being so caught up in the illusions I create that didn’t see what I was doing.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.  

 

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.