Carole Baskins Diary

Mickey Murdock Dies

 

Mickey Murdock, Jamie’s half brother, died on 8/24/99 at 2:30 am.  His 29th birthday was the day before.  Photo L-R is Mary Murdock (Montenegro), Mickey Murdock and Jamie Murdock.

 

I’d been a step mother to Mickey and Mary when Mike and I first married.  Mike alleged in a custody battle that their birth mother, Cindy Sessions, had poured boiling water on Mary’s face and had broken Mickey’s neck.  We were granted custody for a while.  It was when they were both about this age and younger.  Jamie was a newborn and Mickey was 10 years her senior so I’m thinking we had them from about 1980-1982.   

 

The day Mickey was in the hospital with a broken neck we flew to the hospital and I was nine months pregnant.  I remember getting into a fight with Mike and rather than stress Mickey out by having both his Mom, Dad and the new pregnant step mom in the room, I decided to hitchhike back to our hotel.  It was cold and I didn’t have a coat.  I was wearing a light, short sleeved cotton frock I’d sewn to deal with my huge belly.

 

As I started heading toward the hotel and noticed a high, narrow bridge ahead, (Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge, I think) I panicked and went in the opposite direction.  I am scared to death of bridges.  I’ll avoid them if at all possible.  I kept heading north and then south to avoid bridges and after a while decided I was just going back to Tampa, so I hitched ride after ride with truckers all the way home.  They were pretty sensitive to my condition.

 

When I arrived back in Tampa, a couple days later, I didn’t have keys to get in.  Tired, hungry and filthy, I had to work a window by jimmying it for quite a while before I was able to get inside. 

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. 

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

I Copy Detectives w/ Court Orders and Insurance

This was faxed to Detectives in the Jack Donald Lewis missing person case #97-069358 on 8/23/99

 

Dear Detectives Lingo and Fernandez:

 

After reviewing the original documents, some of my original questions have been answered somewhat:

 

There follows a copy of the original Court order naming Anne McQueen as Conservator, signed by Judge Alvarez.  It shows that one of the daughters, Donna Pettis, initiated that action.  At the time, I was confused about why I was being treated so by Anne and the daughters.  I saw no reason for my being suspicious of them or them of me. I could not understand why Anne was so panicky at noon about Don not calling her that morning, the day he disappeared.  Very often he would change his plans, do things as they came to mind, and go off weeks at a time, buying, selling and trading his way to an auction somewhere across the country.  This was his personality and I thought nothing of it. 

 

When she told me I couldn’t have access to my own office, I had my dad and Kenny Farr watch the office.  That evening Anne’s relatives were seen carrying out boxes.  At that point, I feared something was going on that I didn’t understand.  The next day we took out files and I made copies of everything before returning them to Anne’s possession.  At that point, I realized I needed legal assistance and hired an attorney for my protection.  I still feel Anne convinced the daughters to do the the Conservatorship and that they would not have done that without her insistence. 

 

The Attorney’s Certification signed by Russell K. Peavyhouse states that he attempted to contact me.  I never received a call or message from him requesting that I call.  When I asked them about this, they said they didn’t know where I was living or how to reach me.  I had been living in the same house with the same phone number for six years.  In the past Anne had called there many times.  There was no excuse for my not being informed as to what was going on.

 

Here is the Prudential Insurance Company information you will need to confirm that Anne McQueen was the original beneficiary of the Don Lewis life insurance policy:  Prudential Life Insurance Policy #62702361 on Jack Donald Lewis, phone 800/778-2255, fax 904/313-1119, Central Collections Division, P.O. Box 45121, Jacksonville, FL 32232.  Only through legal counsel were we able to change the Conservators and beneficiaries.

 

In December 1998 Anne McQueen, the daughters and I signed an agreement on the properties.  Now I am being served other papers from Wendy Williams making allegations on things that have already been settled.  Wendy Williams is the daughter of Wendell Williams and they work in the same office at 4815 N. Westshore Blvd., Tampa, FL, with Anne McQueen and have four corporations together as shown by the Internet inquiries attached.  Your police records will show that Wendell Williams stole a dump truck from me and tried to say Don gave it to him.

 

I feel Don Lewis is alive and Anne McQueen and Wendell Williams know where he is.  They have both gone on TV and insinuated that I killed him but both of them have had the same smirk on their faces when they made the statements.  If you have the videos and review them, you will see what I am talking about.  If you don’t have the videos, I do and will be happy to supply them to you.  If a friend of mine were assumed dead and I thought I knew who killed him, I would not smirk.  For the animals, Carole Lewis

 

On the same day I faxed a letter to Lloyd Sowers at Channel 13 News 3213 W. Kennedy Boulevard, Tampa, FL 33609  Re:  Jack Donald Lewis

 

Dear Lloyd,

 

Enclosed are copies of the recent faxes I have sent to Detectives Lingo and Fernandez.  I don’t know if they will be of interest to you but you seem to want to learn the truth as much as I.

 

The things I learned on this trip to Costa Rica have surprised and baffled me even more than ever.  Somewhere there has to be an

Roger Petersen Opens Up About Don’s Behavior

On 8/21/1999 I wrote and faxed a letter to Detectives Lingo and Fernandez re Case #97-069358:

 

Dear Detectives Lingo and Fernandez:

 

I have just returned from Costa Rica and feel that Don Lewis is not there but I did have an interesting conversation with our attorney, Roger Petersen, Esquire, fax 011-506-233-2841, phone 011-506-233-5219, of Vargas, Petersen and Odio.  Now that he has not seen Don Lewis for a couple of years he was more demonstrative in his opinions about Don on this trip.  I think in the past he felt a certain client-attorney privilege and was hesitant to speak his mind, for fear Don would come back and sue him.  He said it required ten police officers to remove all of Don’s homosexual, drug-trafficking, animal-smuggling friends and prostitutes from the triplex in Rohrmoser that we own. He said that had it not been for his protection of Don’s business dealings that Don would have lost every cent he brought into Costa Rica because while he was there he surrounded himself with liars and thieves and seemed to have no business sense at all. 

 

Not only was I in Costa Rica to find out for myself if Don were in the area but I was there partly to try and stop the animal smugglers, who are, of course, all Don’s friends.  Don had even bought an Ultralight for them to help with their activities.  We can’t go public about that yet because there are 120 endangered species that would be pelted out if the smugglers catch wind of it.  The Costa Rican government hopes in the next few month to raid their camp and rescue the cats and then prosecute Don’s friends.

 

Don is excellent at maintaining the image of an animal lover and successful businessman.  Many people think I did him in to get all his money and to take over the sanctuary.  But as time goes on and more information comes out about his true character, I am finding out what kind of person I am really married to and I think other people will realize who is the real villain.  It may be timely for the police to ask Roger Petersen what sort of business savvy Don actually possesses.  It might also shed some light on the kind of people with which Don does business here and in the States while keeping up a facade.

 

One thing that needs to be determined is who told Judge Alvarez to start the Conservatorship naming Anne McQueen as Conservator.  We need to know the exact date it was first petitioned to Judge Alvarez.  If it was before August 18, 1997, then there is proof the scheme was being put into play for Don to disappear.  If Don Lewis requested that it be started, there is grounds to show that he instigated a fraudulent plot to have me removed from our properties so that he could take over all our properties, have me put on the street and run the business through his secretary as Conservator, plus defraud the insurance company as Anne McQueen was the original beneficiary before the Conservatorship changed the policy.  Possibly Don did not do it himself but through his attorney, Sheldon Wind, or Anne’s attorney, LeRoy Merkle, Jr.  If it was dated after August 18, 1997, why didn’t Judge Alvarez ask if there were family, such as a wife, children, etc., who would be more qualified to manage Don’s business rather than an unrelated secretary?  This was not handled according to Guardianship laws which are the same for a Conservatorship.

 

In all of Anne McQueen’s TV interviews, she mentions that Don told me he wanted a divorce.  Don never mentioned that to me and I thought our marriage was sound.  Now that pieces are starting to fall into place,  I can see where the possibility exists that he wants to get rid of me but doesn’t want to go through a divorce and have to pay alimony or some sort of divorce settlement.  The original Conservatorship with Anne in charge did not give me any funds and left everything in her control.

 

Is there a way you can find out if the above theory has any validity?  Don giggled and made the

Auroara Tiger Nearly Drowns Us Both

 

 

 

I’d taken Auroara out into the lake for a photographer named Stone, I think, to get shots of her swimming and splashing around.  Auroara loved to swim and splash around in her cage, and I’d frequently take her out on a leash so she could bound around the lake bank.  I remember taking her to a donor’s party one time, and when she saw the pool, she darn near dragged us both in, as she bolted across the manicured lawn.  I had to dig my heels in, like I was skiing, to pull her to a halt. 

 

From the lake surface it is hard to tell sometimes if a tiger is really swimming or if they are walking on their back legs and just going through the motions with their front paws.  On this day with the photographer, Aurora was having a blast the the photographer was getting those once in a lifetime shots.  We were doing photo tours to compete with the horrible things done at game farms.  If we could give photographers what they wanted, without abusing exotic cats, it was a win, win that I hoped would put the game farms out of business.

 

Auroara stepped backward and fell into a hole we didn’t know was there and went under.  Panic ensued and I could see she was going to drown, so I dove in but she wrapped her paws around my arms so tight, I couldn’t swim, so we sunk to the bottom. 

 

I kicked hard against the bottom of the lake to push out heads above the surface where we both gasped for air, and then we’d sink again.  I couldn’t break free of her panic-stricken grip so we had to just try to bounce a little closer back to the shore each time until we were in shallow enough water that I could stand up and Auroara could feel the ground under her feet again.  I don’t know how many times we went under because I couldn’t get a good enough kick on the steep side slope of the underwater hole with Auroara thrashing about. 

 

Later I noted:  It was the last time I took her out in the lake.  She had lake access in her cage, but the water wasn’t deep there back then.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. 

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

Looking for Don Still in Costa Rica

 

I’m still looking for Don and I’ve been invited to present at a Small Cat Conference in Costa Rica, so Jamie and I gathered all the veterinary books we could get and flew down.  I paid for a woman from some other country (I forget where now) to attend because of the great work she was doing in another Latin American country and I pay for Pat Quillen to attend as well.  It’s a huge expense, but the small cats really need a champion.

 

I met Dr. Jim Sanderson at this event who was doing important work for small exotic cats and I helped with his presentation tech issues. 

 

Later I noted: It would be the beginning of a long term professional relationship with him where Big Cat Rescue would become the largest funder of his work, other than the Prince of Saudi Arabia. 

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. 

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

China Doll Tries to Kill Auroara Tiger

 

(Auroara’s ball is 48 in diameter and weighs 90 lbs. )

 

Standing between two adult tigers as they were reared up on their back legs and roaring at each other turned out to be one of the dumbest things I ever did.  But, I fear I’d do it again for love.

 

China Doll and Shere Khan have about 2-3 acres of mostly swamp, with access to the lake.  Next door was Auroara Tiger who has about an acre of lakefront property.  There is a shared wall in the lake, but we’ve covered it with shade cloth to keep the cats from getting a tail, ear or paw through to the other side.  China Doll and Auroara are about 300 and 280 pounds respectively, but Shere Khan weighs well over 700 pounds due to his high percentage of Amur blood.  He’s neutered but loves both girls and decided to tear down the water wall so he could be near Auroara. 

 

He’s also the most timid of the three, so after tearing down the wall, he didn’t venture into Auroara’s side, so she went to him.  That meant having to get past the very jealous China Doll, who was having none of this ménage à trois.  The roaring is what called us all to the scene and it was a bone chilling sight to me.  My “baby” was about to be killed by China Doll. 

 

Neither of them were hearing my screams of “NOOOOO!” and there was no drawing their attention away from each other.  We have a number of tricks to divert a cat’s attention, like food, or even an empty bucket, like the kind that brings food, or an air horn, or a fire extinguisher, but nothing was breaking up their rearing up, face to face, paws flailing toward each other and snarled teeth snapping at the air between. 

 

I yelled for our van to be pulled up as close as possible to the side of the cage, with the side door open.  My plan...my stupid plan...was to cut a hole in the cage right behind Auroara and try to get her out of there.  I told the volunteers to line up in two rows from the cage wall to the open door of the van, to create a walkway for Auroara to use as a guide.  All I had to do now was figure out how to get her out the door, without turning her back on China Doll, which would certainly encourage her to make a lunge for the back of Auroara’s neck.

 

I took a chain, to throw around Auroara’s neck, but it was distracting her from keeping up the pretense of being big and bad enough to keep China Doll at bay.  I tried getting in between her and China Doll, flailing my paws at China Doll and roaring “NOOOO!” at her.   China Doll would have laughed if she weren’t so incensed about Auroara in her space. 

 

The last resort would probably land China Doll on my neck and be the end of me, but I didn’t know what else to do.  I grabbed Auroara by the scruff of the neck, pulling her off balance as she was up on her back feet again.  I threw her and my body weight sideways and over toward the hole in the fence and pushed her out into the “welcome line” of volunteers.  Auroara leaped from the side of the cage into the van in what appeared to be a single leap, and the door was slammed shut.

 

One tiger contained.  Two to go. 

 

So far so good.  China Doll was not on my back, so I scrambled out the hole I cut and used my body to block the hole as a patch was being secured in place.  Now that China Doll couldn’t see Auroara she wasn’t as intent on going after her, so that was good.  Shere Khan was just watching the whole thing from the sidelines and I wondered if he’d protect me?  Would he have stepped in if he saw that China Doll was turning her rage toward me, or would he be too fearful of her wrath?  Even if he were to help, I’d probably been torn limb from limb in the process.  Cats just don’t let go once they set their mind on something.

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates thi

Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You

Todd asked me to search the internet for the words to The Four Season’s hit “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”.  I found it and emailed it and the sound clip to him.  Tonight, on my way to church, he and Alan Schreier called and they sang the whole song to me.  Alan Schreier has such a wonderful voice and the words were so sweet, I thought I would cry.  He is so good to me.

 

The phone rang the other day and when he got up to answer it, his elbow lightly brushed my chin.  His automatic reaction was to reach out with his big, strong hands and take my face gently in them as he asked if he had hurt me.  There was such concern in his voice and such warmth and tenderness in his touch that I thought to myself, “If he had broken my jaw, it would have been healed just through the magic of his touch.”  I love him so much!

 

Judy Watson is the Educational Director here at WildLife on Easy Street and is hosting our first summer camp.  She is also rehabilitating a Bobcat who was hit by a car and as soon as his fractures heal we will release him back to the wild.  She had been keeping the bobcat in the Classroom while it was vacant because it was close to her place and she could check on him frequently.  I wanted her to move the cat to our hospital so that he wouldn’t be disturbed by the children.  Our summer camp had boasted that the children would be able to feed farm animals and we didn’t have any goats, so I had asked Kenny Farr to bring some of his goats over for the week of camp.  We didn’t have anything but an empty lion pen to keep them in, but it would be sufficient for a few days.  For this to be funny, you have to know that baby goats are called kids; just in case you didn’t grow up on a farm.

 

In a hurry as always and in my usual brief fashion I called Judy and left a message on an automated phone secretary service.  After hanging up I pondered the generic automated voice that had answered and wondered why Judy didn’t have her usual, chirpy message to greet callers.  Thinking I may have dialed wrong the first time, I called back and discovered that I had in fact left this message on who knows who’s machine:  “Judy, I told Kenny Farr to throw the baby goats in the lion pen.  Take the bobcat to the hospital so that he doesn’t have to listen to kids screaming bloody murder.”

 

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views.  If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story.  The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

 

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story.  My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet. 

 

You can help feed the cats at no cost to you using Amazon Smile!

Visit BigCatRescue.org/Amazon-smile

 

You can see photos, videos and more, updated daily at BigCatRescue.org

 

Check out our main channel at YouTube.com/BigCatRescue

 

Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.

I awoke this morning to the sound of gunfire.

 

Alan Schreier had gone to Miami to spend Father’s Day with his dad, who has been doing very poorly as of late and I stayed in Tampa.  Last Sunday we had adopted two adorable Great Dane puppies, Zorro and Zoe under the auspices of acquiring protection, but fully knowing that we were succumbing to that instinctive need to raise a family with your mate of choice.  They were nine weeks old then and already weighed 25 pounds and were gangly and difficult to move from house to house.

 

I have moved all of my things to the island but Alan Schreier is trying to sell his condo and things often show better when furnished, so he still resides in Carrollwood.  I spend my days dragging the puppies between Easy Street and Riverwood and then at night take them “home” to Alan Schreier’s.  With him out of town there was no reason to load them up in the overcrowded cab of my truck and drive across town again.  I had paved the walkway from the carport to the house with 3500 pounds of huge stones and was too tired to care that I was sleeping alone.  I went to bed around 10:30 and slept soundly until I awoke at midnight from the rush of adrenaline that was produced by being awakened by the sound of gunfire cutting through the night.

 

I awoke from what I thought at first must have been a dream.  I dreamed that I had been awakened by the sound of a rifle exploding and that I heard the bullet go whizzing by the house, under the west porch which would be right behind the headboard of my bed.  My heart was racing and I was short of breath as consciousness took hold.  As I opened my eyes I thought to myself that it must have been just a bad dream.  My overworked imagination had gotten the better of me and I was a victim of my own creativity.

 

Then I heard the second shot.  In a motion that later amazed even me, I swept off the bed, to the floor, scooping up my handgun along the way.  I was aware of the fish tank light that illuminated my form to anyone looking through the west porch door (which still had no curtain) and I dropped out of sight to the floor using the bed to disguise  my form.  The shot had come from the south side of the house and there were wooden shutters over all of the other windows in the room, including that one.

 

My only vulnerable position was behind me so staying low against the floor and  in the shadows I quickly made my way to the south window.   I wanted to open the shutters and look out, but knew the light behind me would reveal my presence at the window.  If it were Don or Crazy Gary aiming at me, they would have a clear shot.  I decided instead to barely crack the slats in a corner of the window and see if I could see anyone in the yard.

 

As I peered desperately into the darkness, heart pounding out of my chest, I saw the flash of light and heard the blast of the third shot being fired.  It was directly across from me on the other side of the creek.  I ducked, but even as I did, chided myself for thinking I could dodge a bullet.  It’s funny how things happen in slow motion when you think you are going to die.

 

I wondered if God would give me the speed to dodge certain death?  I wondered if He didn’t, why He had ever protected me so fiercely for so long, just to let me die alone here?  I wondered if it was Don, would he then kill my daughter or had he already?  I wondered if He would forgive me for the sin I live in, or if this was just a warning to me that you never know when you will meet your maker and I may not have the opportunity to make things right with Him?  The first bullet could have killed me in my sleep if the person had been brave enough to step up onto the porch.  I wondered now if the first impression I had, of a bullet whizzing by, had actually happened and if so, was it on the porch or through the room?  I wondered if I would be able to kill my attacker and revenge my own death?

 

I remembered that Jamie had told me earlier that Crazy Gary did

Island Wildlife

The dappled sunlight paints our lawn

As squirrels go scurrying about

And buck and doe and baby fawn

Approach as overcome their doubt.

 

Raccoons were here at morning light

To see what hand-outs they’d receive

And bunny eyes all shining bright

Peer back at us from under leaves.

 

The peacock calls to let us know

That bobcat’s stalking birds again

While bearcat’s putting on a show

For baby chicks and mother hen.

 

The gator suns himself all day

Amid the lilies on the shore

While great fish come, their eggs to lay

Just steps away from our front door.

 

Cardinals and Purple Martin

Compete in colour with the Jays

Butterflies flit through the garden…

In paradise we’ll spend our days.

 

Your Struggle

I lay beside you in the night

And watch you, restlessly, not sleep

You struggle in your night time fight

As fears and doubts in your dreams creep.

 

I hear you gasp for breath and sigh

As if to live another’s pain

And all I can do is sit by

And wonder what goes through your brain.

 

Have you become your father now

And feeling every breath he takes?

Or are you wrestling with how

You’ll deal with everyone’s heartbreaks?

 

On your shoulders the load is borne

That would, a lesser person, crush

And though you may feel lost, forlorn

You keep it to yourself… a hush.

 

You always try to make things good

And worry more for others dear

While I’m trying to learn what would

Save you, the one, I hold so near.

Return from Cancun

 

I awoke to his soft embrace, cuddling me from behind.  I could feel him so hard and yet so tender.  I love waking up next to him!  I want to wake up next to him every morning of my life!

 

It was 5:00 am but we were so rested that we were wide awake.  His love making is so passionate and yet so gentle.  I’ve never experienced anything so wonderful as sex with Alan Schreier.  He is so giving, so thoughtful and so concerned that I enjoy myself.  No one has ever cared if I were enjoying myself.  No one ever took the time to see that I was pleased before ensuring their own pleasure.  I have come to learn how to satisfy myself quickly so that intercourse would be good for me as well, but with Alan Schreier I am reminded to take it slow and enjoy the ride.

 

I enjoy him so much, on so many levels.  He’s my friend and confidant.  He’s smart and persistent, making him an excellent business partner.  He’s a loving and nurturing father to his son and is kind and caring toward Jamie and Daniel Capiro.  I would love him immensely for any ONE of these qualities and am overjoyed to have all of them in this one gorgeous man.

 

We have now boarded American Flight #2190 for Miami and are sitting on the runway ready to depart Cancun.  It has been a wonderful four days, but I am not sad to leave, as my adventure has only yet begun.

 

It was interesting to observe both of us under stress.  The Cancun Airport was hot and packed.  The attendants were slow and generally inefficient.  We stood in line for an hour under circumstances that would otherwise have driven me screaming outside to “breathe”.  Alan Schreier is always fidgeting, so although he didn’t complain, I sensed it was difficult for him to wait and I know the heat bothers him.  Despite this I felt safe with him and remained calm.  He maintained a smile and didn’t complain or give any sense of feeling agitated.  The more I see of his exquisite nature, the more I love him.

 

I love how patient and considerate he is.  I never have to worry about him taking advantage of any one.  He doesn’t cut in line, steal or do any of the things my other mates have done to mortify me.

 

During our trip, while sitting on the rocks and watching the tide come in, I tried to learn more about him.  Wanting to know more how to please him I asked what he loved most about Carol and Sheila.  He said, without hesitation that he loved Carol’s great beauty.  He said that she had been somewhat nurturing.  He said he loved Sheila’s spirit and tenacity.  Later he told me she was a great cook and I know they have been great friends.  He went a step further and said he loves my soul and that I shouldn’t change a thing.  I still want to be more beautiful (thinner) for him.  He said he thought I was beautiful for the first time on this trip, but it was a reflex response to my telling him how handsome he is.  (My constant babbling about it must have made him uncomfortable.)  I have found that sort of weird.  It is usually what I hear most from men, but not from Alan Schreier, which leads me to wonder if by comparison he just never really thought of me that way, or if perhaps he sees me for who and what I really am?

 

I have no doubt that the vast majority of people see the image I project and not what I truly am.  I am beautiful on the inside, but my exterior needs a lot of shaping up.  Could Alan Schreier be so perceptive as to see through the mirage?  He has always been attracted to beautiful women and I feel he has had to compromise to accept me in my current shape.

 

Fear.  Hard to believe someone who is the poster child for strength and resilience could be so riddled with fear.  He speaks of his friend’s relationships and says of the ones that didn’t work out that the woman was manipulative or that she wasn’t a challenge.  I am manipulative in virtually every sense of the word, but justify it to myself by believing the people being orchestrated aren’t aware of it and that it’s for the g