Casual Diehard

By Jesse Spector

I never had the fortune of meeting Grant Wahl in person, but count me among the vast community whom he went out of his way to help when he didn’t have to, and I want to note that he’s part of the reason Willets Pen exists today. I had been reading The Blizzard for a while and got an itch to do something similar, and I sent Grant a DM to ask him if he knew Jonathan WIlson, the English writer who started it. Of course he did, and of course he set us up on email the next day. It took another eight years for Willets Pen to eventually launch, but I will forever be grateful to Grant for being an encouraging voice at every step, and even did an interview with me once for a story about media access.

Grant’s Substack is its own trove of excellence, and while he left us with one hugely important story, the one I’m going to want to keep going back to is one of my favorite sports stories that I’ve ever read, about FC Sheriff in the breakaway Moldovan state of Transnistria.

I did get to meet Christian Stone in person once, when he was nice enough to answer my letter as a high schooler and had me up to see the Sports Illustrated office and offer some career advice. He wrote about Grant for the Los Angeles Times, and that’s the remembrance to read.

On a happier soccer note, I really enjoyed Sid Lowe’s interview with Jorge Valdano, I think partly because I just love the passion…

As if being a genius wasn’t enough, time made him wise. Against Australia, it was like the essence of his 1,000 games, the aroma of everything he’s been. Even as a madridista, I’ve always thought that whoever doesn’t love Messi doesn’t love football.

…but also because there’s this common thread that runs throughout sports, and I love seeing the different ways that it manifests.

It’s wonderful seeing Mbappé, who seems to have time for everything: he can do it all, and then score the goal. Whereas with Leo, it’s about his brain identifying the opportunity to make his talent tell, even without the physical condition. He has less but is giving more.

To me, Messi vs. Ronaldo was never really a debate, not after the year when Messi essentially broke the sport.

The contrast of their twilight years, thrown into stark relief by this World Cup, should put the question to bed once and for all as to who the king of men’s soccer is for the first quarter of the 21st century.

There’s also something in this that’s why I’m excited about the 2023 Mets and their extremely veteran, but still highly capable roster. Just as it’s easier to appreciate Starling Marte and Eduardo Escobar when you see them play every day, there’s going to be a lot to learn about the game from watching a rotation with wizened Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander fronting it, supported by advanced versions of José Quintana and Carlos Carrasco, while Kodai Senga makes the transition from Japan in his prime. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

Editor’s note: There will be a newsletter later with The Pavilion. Apologies both for the delay and for the multiple emails!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

For every hoodie we sell from our shop in the month of December, Willets Pen will donate a winter hat to newly-arrived families in Queens, partnering with State Senator Jessica Ramos, whose district is where the Mets play, and who has been working to help these folks settle into their new lives in New York. They’re having a holiday breakfast in a couple of weeks, so we ordered some winter hats in advance, but we’ll keep the drive going all month, and make sure that we help as many people as we can stay warm in their first NYC winter!

Let Me Quarterback the 49ers

By Roger Cormier

JImmy G(aroppolo) broke his foot on Sunday afternoon against the Dolphins, following in Trey Lance's faulty footsteps (pun intended) in getting himself severely injured. This opened the door for Some Guy, literally Mr. Irrelevant, the last pick in the last round of the NFL Draft, to lead the San Francisco 49ers to victory. And the Dolphins don’t stink.

It's clear that anybody, even a recent teenager with the literal name of Brock Purdy, can run this offense. I would like to suggest that GM John Lynch take a chance…no, there's no risk involved here…and sign me and put me number one in the depth chart. Here are my qualifications:

I have two arms.

I am (probably) taller than Doug Flutie.

I have not bashed the San Francisco 49ers on Twitter or any social media account (as far as I can recall).

I promise to stop betting on 49ers games. (I'm assuming I will make more money in salary.)

I've never played the Meta VR game where you can be an NFL quarterback, but I've heard of it.

I haven't played Madden in years, but you don't forget how to play.

I used to play Tecmo Bowl.

I did not lose the Georgia runoff.

You can save money by not bothering to tape me up beforehand. I don't think I need it.

I can scream "Let's go!" pretty loudly.

I can kneel without making a groaning sound (sometimes).

I can figure out when we can start getting into victory formation.

I won't bother jogging off the field if it's fourth down and fewer than 3 yards. I know we're going for it.

I have my own football.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

Editor’s note: We’re going to regularly schedule We Can Pod It Out episodes at noon Eastern, so you can look forward to that. After some consideration of making a breakout section, that felt overly complicated, at least for now. Sometimes, there will be a newsletter attached. Sometimes, like today, not! Other days, like when Willets Pod and Not A Football Podcast return from break, newsletters are more likely to appear with those. Think of it not so much as “that guy doesn’t know what he’s doing” (however true that is) and more “hooray, Willets Pen emails are a delightful surprise each time, although they generally say what they are in the subject line, so, uh…” And if you’re just reading this on the web, or on a podcast feed… subscribe to the newsletter!

What we do have today is a little Mets trivia, thanks to this morning’s addition of José Quintana to go along with Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer, and Carlos Carrasco in the now Jacob deGrom-less rotation. Good to get a lefty on board. (Also, I had a whole rant teed up if the Yankees managed to blow it with Aaron Judge, but they didn’t… so there will be a more reasonable analysis in a future newsletter.)

Anyway, Quintana will be the second Q-surnamed player in Mets history, joining Omar Quintanilla. So for today’s trivia: which letter is the only one that has never started a Mets player’s last name, which letter is Q now one away from “tying,” and who are the three players with that letter to start their surname? Answer below this tweet about our hat drive and today’s WCPIO cover art…

Trivia answer: While Xavier Nady is remembered as the X-Man in Queens, obviously his first name, not his last, starts with X — the letter no Mets player has ever had to start their last name. The only X player to reach a major league level was Leovigildo Xiqués, an outfielder for the Cleveland-Indianapolis Clowns in 1947, which obviously is 15 years before the Mets came around.

Thanks to The Ultimate Mets Database, the tricky trivia answer is the letter U, and the players Del Unser, Lino Urdaneta, and of course, Juan Uribe.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

Editor’s note: Starting tomorrow, We Can Pod It Out episodes will come out on their own, regularly scheduled. As you likely can tell from this post going out late on Tuesday night, we’re (I’m) still a little bit behind on organization and whatnot, but the good news is that Roger and Andrew have recorded several episodes already, so we’ve got regular content lined up. More good stuff to come, so stay tuned! —Jesse

The Metropolitan Astro Tiger

By Jesse Spector

Five years after he’s done playing baseball, Justin Verlander almost assuredly will be inducted to the Hall of Fame. When that happens, his plaque will list the Mets among his teams, following Detroit and Houston.

The Hall of Fame is an exclusive club, sure, but the club that Verlander will join when he throws his first pitch in (the Mets’) orange and blue? This is going to be history in the making.

The Mets and Astros entered the majors together in 1962, and in six decades, there have been 128 players who have featured for the National League’s ninth and 10th franchises. Last year, New York employed ex-Astro J.D. Davis, while former Mets prospect Rafael Montero won a ring with Houston.

Only 18 of those 128 players, however, also have been on the Tigers. And of those, only two have spent multiple seasons with all three clubs — one pitcher and one hitter. Can you guess them?

Perhaps you guessed one of the Mets’ all-time ERA leaders, C.J. Nitkowski, who worked 5.2 innings over five appearances in 2001 without a blemish… or another of the Mets’ all time ERA leaders, Dan Schatzeder, who worked 5.2 innings over six appearances in 1990 while also posting zeroes for the Mets. But, of course, each of those guys only made Flushing cameos, although Nitkowski and Schatzeder both were multi-year Tigers, and Schatzeder was in the Mets’ organization for 10 days in June of 1991, but did not appear in a game.

Three of the players who were Mets, Astros, and Tigers were only with each in one season. Journeymen Jim Lindeman and Roger Mason teamed up on the 1994 Mets, having been on the 1993 and 1989 Astros, and 1990 and 1984 Tigers, respectively. Oddly, Mike Marshall (the pitcher, not the first baseman, who also was a Met) also appeared for the Mets in a strike year, 1981, having been an Astro in 1970 and a Tiger three years before that.

Marshall isn’t the only major leaguer to share a name with another major leaguer and also play for the Mets, Astros, and Tigers. Lefty pitcher Dave Roberts was teammates with Marshall in 1981 in New York, and spent 1972-75 with the Astros, and 1976-77 in Detroit.

That’s six of the 18, and unfortunately neither Octavio Dotel, Jose Lima, nor Jose Valverde spent more than a few fleeting moments as Mets (and fortunately, Kyle Farnsworth only threw 17 innings here in 2014). Brandon Lyon spent multiple seasons in Queens, but one was with the Queens Kings, when he was a Blue Jays farmhand.

The Queens Kings played at St. John’s, where Nitkowski went to school, and he had multiple teammates on the 2001 Tigers who were also Mets and Astros, Willie Blair and Roger Cedeño, but Blair was only a Met in 1998 and Cedeño only an Astro in 2000. It would still be another few years before Lima got to the Mets, but he was on the 2001 Tigers, too… along with one of the answers, Dave Mlicki.

And while Cameron Maybin, Verlander’s ex-teammate in Detroit and Houston, was in New York for multiple seasons, one of those was with the Yankees…. and also he was only with Houston in 2017. Tim Byrdak also was Verlander’s teammate in Detroit, but only in 2007 before spending 2008-10 with the Astros and 2011-13 as a Met.

That leaves two players, both Mets legends in their own right, and in fact teammates in New York. While 1986 World Series MVP Ray Knight was with the Astros from 1982-84, his only action with the Tigers was in 1988.

The other answer along with Mlicki is the one guy, before Verlander, who really could’ve been said to be known as a Met, Astro, and Tiger… and Rusty Staub is remembered by most as Le Grand Orange, for his time with the Expos.

Verlander isn’t just coming to New York to further his path to Cooperstown. He’s blazing a new trail, all his own, through arcana and ad astra, the Metropolitan Astro Tiger.

deGone

By Roger Cormier

The Texas Rangers signed Jacob deGrom on Friday, in their quest to get within 10 games under .500 I suppose. It was for five years and a lot of money, more years and money that a sane person would hand over to a 34-year-old with deGrom's injury history. But it's Jake. A two-time Cy Young Award winner who only a few months ago, in his second start after missing over a year, struck out 12 batters in 5.2 innings against a 102-win team. 

You know it's a big loss because the Mets leaked "Actually, this dude kinda sucks" information mere hours after he was no longer an employee. deGrom was anti-vaxx apparently. This isn't surprising, considering the Mets were previously reported to have one of the lowest vaccination rates in the game, and Jake, the poor guy, was born and reared in Florida. I am ashamed to admit that this confirmation makes me feel a little bit better about him no longer being a Met. 

This still stings though, because

* He was/is a generational talent who

* Clearly did not want to be a New York Met anymore. He always seemed to want to be the GOAT without the fame that came with it, something you definitely won't be afforded in New York.

But was it something else? Was it something us Met fans said or did? It sounds so stupid, and yet, I wonder. 

The Mets already added Justin Verlander to take the spot atop the rotation alongside Max Scherzer. They could sign Carlos Rodon and Kodai Senga and the reanimated corpse of Tom Seaver with Uncle Stevie's moolah. That would be nice…and it wouldn't be the same. Which is the point, I tell myself.

Even if he stayed, Jacob deGrom's 2015 NLDS, 2018, 2019, and first half of 2021 would never be replicated, because it already happened. He might put together another all-timer of a season, and it will likely be the only thing Texas Ranger fans can love. Good for them. (It's easy to be magnanimous when Texas is so far away, diametrically opposite in the American League West.) What they potentially might have is something we had, when Jacob and us were younger, less jaded, more capable of childlike awe. And no amount of money can take those memories away.

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Editor’s Note

Welcome to our new podcast, We Can Pod It Out, with Roger Cormier and Andrew Lowden. That much should be pretty self-explanatory. It’s also been delayed in arriving for a bit, for no reason other than my own molasses-like pace of getting things done around here. The cool thing is, Roger and Andrew already have recorded a bunch of episodes, and we’ll be able to get them going on a regular schedule. The other cool thing is, Roger wrote a baseball piece that’ll be our next newsletter, so stay tuned for that! —Jesse

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

Before we begin today, a promise was made during this podcast episode to share the Gilbert Gottfried Hollywood Squares incident, so here it is…

How Bewitching Is The Witching Hour?

By Roger Cormier

I believe it is accepted knowledge that the NFL RedZone Channel is the greatest invention in the history of the universe. Since its inception in 2009, it's rarely steered us wrong, which was why their mistake this past Sunday was so jarring. The Master of Ceremonies, Scott Hanson, directed viewers to tune in to CBS to finish watching the entertaining Raiders-Seahawks game, because the stingy No Fun League wants the lights shut off at RedZone HQ when there's only one game left. Unfortunately, most CBS affiliates were showing 60 Minutes. It wasn't even a particularly interesting 60 Minutes episode either. Hanson apologized for misleading us, because of course he did. He is a benevolent God.

But it led me to wondering about the other aspects of RedZone. Hanson tells us at around 1:02 p.m. eastern on Sundays that "seven hours of commercial-free football" is on its way. It would be more accurate to say "at least six and half hours", but it doesn't have the same pizazz. At around a quarter after three, Hanson announces that it's the Witching Hour, when wins become losses and losses become wins. Do they though? And why is there no Witching Hour for the final hour of the games played in the late Sunday afternoon window? Is there more bewitching during the 1 p.m. games than the others? 

I fucked around and found out. I went back and checked every NFL regular season game since 2009, up until Week 12 of this season (last weekend) to see how many contests featured a team blowing a third quarter lead, or getting "bewitched" from a win to a loss. 

Before we get into the data, a quick slam on the Cleveland Browns. No team since 2009 has led after three quarters only to lose the game more often than the squad from Believeland. Here are the five (six) worst teams percentage wise in games in which a bewitching had occurred:

And here are the five best teams, the ones who more often than not came from behind. 

The Pittsburgh Steelers and Indianapolis Colts have the most bewitching wins with 24. The Steelers tied the Colts with their comeback win this past Monday against…the Colts. 

A key word there being “Monday.” There have been 3,524 regular season games played from the beginning of RedZone until Monday night. Of those, 2,782 of those were covered by RedZone. Exactly 1,900 were in the early game/Witching Hour window. There were 307 bewitchings in those games, good for 16.15 percent of the time. 

There were 882 RedZone games in the late afternoon window. 132 bewitchings went down. That's 14.96 percent of the time. This of course means that there were 439 bewitchings in 2,782 games, or 15.78 percent. 

There were 742 games not covered by RedZone, your Sunday Night, Monday Night, Thursday Night Football games, your Saturday specials, your morning Europe affairs. The team trailing after three quarters ended up winning 111 out of those 742 games. That's 14.95 percent. 

So in fact, the most bewitching occurs in the 1:00 Eastern games (16.15 %) than in the 4/4:25pm (14.96%) and primetime (14.95%) ones. The Witching Hour is properly identified as between 3:15 and 4:15. RedZone must have consulted Amazon NextGen Stats. I never should have doubted them in the first place. 

By Jesse Spector

You know, why even bother trying to parse the world when we’ve got Barack Obama to do it for us, speaking from both the present and the past?

To keep the vibes good here, I’m not gonna go into any thoughts on Kanye West going full Marge Schott, a Nazi memorialized by The New York Times as “eccentric.” Fuck Nazis, everywhere.

As to Herschel Walker’s debate, I’d rather be a vampire. Even if it doesn’t come with the ability to turn into a bat and fly around, I’d feel a lot less guilty about napping during the day. Plus, I’ve just about been on a liquid diet lately anyway thanks to long covid, so I could handle the blood, I think? I know I would miss garlic, but the werewolf transformation also seems like it would be really uncomfortable, and you have to remember to never wear your favorite clothes when it’s a full moon.

Speaking of the moon… when is Chanukah, anyway? I have been asked several times by my own children and have deferred to knowing that it hasn’t started yet because I haven’t seen any electric menorahs turned on around the city.

And now I’m mad at Google, which can try again with my foot in its ass. And speaking of that, I was very excited to learn this week that That ‘90s Show is real and looks pretty good. I watched That ‘70s Show as many times over as any of the NBC Thursday night shows that I mentioned on this podcast… and it’s kind of unrevisitable now because of Danny Masterson.

One big question for That ‘90s Show: will they address Red’s remarkable resemblance to the president of the Federation in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country?

In other supernatural news, I didn’t know what to get the ghost who haunts my art studio or the hard-boiled private investigator in my life, but thankfully I subscribe to The Action Cookbook Newsletter, which published a perfect gift guide.

Meanwhile, thanks to a variety of Internet rabbit holes converging, I have learned that Earl Grey not only was a real person and a 19th century British prime minister, but that their is historical mystery as to whether Earl Grey tea is named after Charles, the 2nd Earl Grey, or whether it just evolved well after the once Viscount Howick’s death in 1845. Although possibly it originated with a tea merchant nearby to his home?

Who can crack the mystery?

The Pavilion Postscript: I’ve spent a lot of time trying to put into words what I’m trying to do with Willets Pen, but I don’t think I’ve hit the nail on the head as much as Keelin did on this podcast when she said, referring to our bet on tonight’s Pac-12 title game, “I’m not saying I’m smart, but at least it’ll be fun.”

It’s been eight months now, and a ton of fun, and it’s also exciting to be able to use my creative space as an avenue to do some good. Selling stuff at willetspen.com helps pay the folks who contribute here and who I’m so thrilled to work with. It’s also a lot of fun for me to make the designs, yadda yadda yadda, all well and good, but beside the point.

For every hoodie we sell this month, we are donating warm winter hats. We’re also going to have a fundraiser to go along with our hoodie/hat match, which we’ll be tying to the Mets’ offseason activity (we’re a Mets site, dontcha know) over the next couple of weeks, so we can get more hats on folks’ heads for the winter. Stay tuned for details on that, have a great weekend, and thank goodness for not having had to write actual show notes about Hugh Freeze. Not least of all because there’s nothing I could write that wouldn’t be, and wasn’t, already written by Jason Kirk, better than I possibly could. I’m just here to get jokes off with my friends and make ill-advised bets on college football.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

By Jesse Spector

UConn freshman Justin Joly averaged 9.3 yards per carry as a senior at Iona Prep last year, information that is not part of his college bio because Joly is a tight end. He now has one rush in college, for 12 yards, on a play that could have been an absolute disaster on Saturday at West Point.

The Huskies had a weird day at Army, losing 34-17 despite the Cadets having zero (0) passing yards. At Delizia’s Pizza in Highland Falls after the game, I was told, “yeah, that’s unusual even for them.” But, hey, UConn beat Liberty the week before, so they’re still eligible for bowling, even if the official bowl t-shirt makers refuse to acknowledge it.

And thanks to the Sickos, of course, for making me a celebrity in Grace’s eyes by appearing on No Context CFB.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Enjoy all the football, and keep an ear out if you’re having lunch at Waffle House in northern Mississippi.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

By Keelin Billue

Join the Not A Football Podcast crew, Britt, Keelin and Jesse (Grace had to work her real job – boo!) to talk mostly about football and, occasionally, cigarettes, gambling debts, Juice Kiffin, and a host of various asides. Let’s dive into Week 11 and beyond.

* Ore-GONE: So, the college football rankings have not really changed as we go into Week 12 with the exception of one team: Oregon. The Ducks lost in an upset to Washington as MIchael Penix topped Bo Nix. As a result, Oregon fell six spots to the No. 12 spot in the CFP, setting up a game this week with No. 10 Utah that’s a good matchup but totally irrelevant to the playoff now. Join us next week to roll that beautiful bean footage.

* QB Mid-Off: The team has a little aside about your Garoppolos, your Cousinses, and other various mid NFL QBs that are in winning positions that most of us did not really foresee. If you are feeling a little mad about this, well, some of the rest of us are too. However, there is something, at a minimum, entertaining about these guys kind of stumbling their way into the playoffs and, perhaps, beyond.

* Do They Got That Dawg In ‘Em?: Georgia’s dominance over the SEC and beyond continues. Is it sustainable for the rest of the season? While Michigan and Ohio State are the closest challengers, the crew feels a playoff semifinal against TCU, Tennessee, and LSU may be the bigger risk. While few and far between, Georgia has had a few questionable games earlier in the season (specifically, Mizzou).

* You’ve Got to Know When to Fold ‘Em: Friends, this podcast is called “Not A Football Podcast,” and it shows because we have been hemorrhaging our previously EXCELLENT gambling winnings. The team is courageously trying to turn the tides of our fortunes by realigning chakras and some other stuff (astrology and shit). This brings them back to being seduced once again by an Iowa line. We’re also riding with Fresno State, Auburn, and Kansas this week.

* The Ferentzing of The Big Ten… And The World?: The Big Ten West is CHAOTIC. Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, and Purdue are vying for something that ultimately is not going to go anywhere. One bet the NAFP team is going in aggressively on is an Iowa win over Minnesota. Why is that? Because WE CAN, dammit. However, Jesse gets really wild by throwing out the thought that Iowa might beat Ohio State. Did we just create a curse? Find out soon!

* Lane Kiffin with A Cig on The Sideline: There is a two minute aside where the team contemplates if Lane Kiffin smokes, especially when he throws out tweets like this:

Folks, we will see you next week to discuss changes in rankings, our bankruptcy due to gambling, and the leadup to rivalry week, because somehow next Thursday is already Thanksgiving.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit willetspen.substack.com

Screw It, Always Go For 2

By Roger Cormier

It's funny how in football, "analytics" is just another way of saying "go for it, coward" and "pretend your kicker doesn't exist." It's funny and it's true, which is even better. 

College football is where gimmicks go to die, but aggressively eschewing the kicking game has made it to the NFL. That doesn't mean the NCAA universe still doesn't bang its head against the wall when playing the percentages doesn't happen to work out.

In Alabama's loss to LSU over the weekend, Nick Saban went for two when up 15-14 and 21-17 in the fourth quarter. The Crimson Tide failed to convert both times. Saban was questioned about going for two afterwards, and the coaching legend resorted to wryly asking if the reporters wanted to see the chart he consulted that told him to do that. Here's the thing, and I kind of hate to say it: Nick Saban is right. If you're up one late in the game, you wanna be up three instead of two, and you wanna be up six instead of five. Where Saban screwed up probably is not being more innovative in drawing up two-point plays. Twisting the knife, LSU won when Brian Kelly and his totally normal accent went for two in overtime instead of conventionally tying it up to force a second OT, and succeeded. Brian Kelly didn't have to offer to show his chart because he won the damn thing.

Dave Pasch is usually an intelligent play-by-play man for ESPN, but perhaps his years having to deal with Bill Walton have dulled his brain synapses. He was totally confused late Saturday night when California went for two after scoring a touchdown to lower their deficit to USC to 8. For years now, football fans have gotten to know the strategy of going for two when down a touchdown late. The thinking makes a lot of sense: if you go for two and make it, then you're only down six, and if you score another touchdown and kick an extra point, holy moly, you're up one instead of tied, and don't have to potentially deal with overtime when anything goes. If you go for two and don't make it, hey that's cool: you can just go for two again if you score another touchdown to tie it up. Theoretically, you can wait to go for two to avoid a tie after the second touchdown, but defenses still presumably are more prepared for that possibility, and there's maybe less pressure on your offense doing it the fun way. (For what it's worth, Cal made the conversion but didn't score again, losing by six instead of seven.)

The problem that suffocated baseball last decade is an annoyance in football today: veteran players griping about "analytics". They grew up believing going for two was only done in an emergency and going for it on fourth down in the middle of the field was something Bill Belichick infamously tried once in an AFC Championship Game and failed in, lesson learned. They equate "analytics" to 3D chess. It's a branding problem. If the powers that be simply called it "being aggressive" instead of "analytics" there would be much less griping. Because that what it is: being aggressive. Putting pressure on the defense. Trusting your quarterback. You know, the pillars of American values. 

And now, bonus cover art!

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