Cheerful Despair

There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is.

In this episode:

• We plot to send people who are in one geographic location to another geographic location
• Glenns the vodka man; pushing boys into wells since 1972
• David Candy meets another person
• Andy Peters shakes a duck corpse in front of a camcorder
• The minimum amount of cheating necessary to win
• Escape from a Council flat

Plus Cross Quiz and Debate Bag - which we think you like, and that's why we keep doing them.

Benefiting from many local amenities, this bright and stylish 2-bedroom podcast features tasteful neutral decor and returns for its 15th episode.

This week:

• David F Porteous will never get a massage in this town again!
• Join the Aryan Brotherhood of Edinburgh Taxi Drivers for a DVD marathon
• David Candy's toaster is too short
• We meet the extraordinary individuals behind Scotland's traditional home-made vaccines

plus

• Will Captain Britain take back control by leaving the League of European Superheroes?

On this week's action-packed instalment:

• Sign up! - For the Cheerful Despair Academy of Football
• Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!)
• Hook up! - With Edinburgh's sleaziest billboard lion
• Blast off! - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holiday

plus

• Tune in! - To the olympiad of automaton combat that's setting wirelesses aglow across the Empire and Dominions

Now of course it's entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There's no pressure.

"Jean, when you're over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It's that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It's come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday."

On this week's episode:

• Can David F Porteous and David Candy save the world?
• Sir Barry Thunderdome wants you to share the rewards of the hit phenomenon that's set to sweep Australia!
• Do the kids think David F Porteous is cool? (They don't).
• Plus! We exclusively reveal Cheerful Despair's official brand of cigarettes. Then, for health reasons advise you not to smoke them.

Don't forget to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname, like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast and follow us home from the bus stop.

DC

Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine

(Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).

Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again.

This time:

• Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed?
• Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual.
• Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) is taught how to pass the port.
• Plus! We invent a new trendy artisan snack for hipsters, then foolishly share the idea with the internet. (Do not steal our genuinely quite good snack idea for which we have no legal protection. Thanks.)

Good night and good truck.

-DC. For, and on behalf of, DFP.

Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself).

On this episode:

• An initial half hour about Star Trek, which you can easily skip
• Noel Edmunds magic box that cures cancer
• I loved David Candy, he smelled of mould
• Remember when Prince Adam came to Scotland?
• They're like baby pigeons
• That's clever enough for religion
• And regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag

Until next time - may your trucks bring all the boys to the yard.

- dfp.

As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring:

• The actual sound of regular segment Cross Quiz being written
• Dried Homeless food
• My favourite colour is anarchy
• The actual sound of regular segment Debate Bag being written
• Elon Musk vs Romanians working in Subway
• How one man's hatred of furry animals gave us Velcro (other hook and loop fasteners are available)

Government will soon send you a letter explaining why you should listen to Cheerful Despair, but the Daily Mail thinks we're crap.

Trucking - Excelsior!

- dfp

With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it.

Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus:

• The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your mum?
• David Candy's obsession with the past
• You're Pavloving yourself
• The Power of Greyskull is self-confidence
• He's got a pint of whole milk down his trousers
• Sincere requests for you to send pictures of humus to @dfpiii. Please send pictures of humus. Do not send actual humus. We cannot stress this enough - do not send actual humus.

Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast!

In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear:

• Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fictional characters played by the actor Tom Hanks;
• Time travel and racism;
• David Candy's favourite colour - you'll have to listen to find out, but it's shocking. You will be shocked by this one colour-liking fact;
• and all the usual schtick including Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii