Choosing our friends is something that mostly we don’t think too much about. But it’s something we ought to give quite some thought to. Because some people are going to be good friends … and others can tear us apart. So – how do you choose your friends?
Choosing a Friend Hey, it’s great to be with you again this week on the programme as we are continuing our look at good and godly friendships in a series that I have called, “A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed”. And today we are going to take a look at the fact that, as things turn out, we actually do get to pick our friends. Now it’s always fascinated me how people choose a marriage partner. What is it that clicks there? What is it that kind of gets that chemistry going?
I was watching a TV special a few months back where a whole bunch of research has been done on exactly that. It was fascinating really, but despite all the research, they still didn’t quite nail it. There is something incredible and special about how two people kind of choose one another to become life-long soul mates. It’s one of God’s great mysteries, don’t you think? At the moment I locked my eyes onto the woman who is now my wife, Jacqui, there was no one else for me – not sure how it works but I’m really glad it does.
But have you ever thought about how people choose their friends? I remember doing a series on air a few years back about relatives. It was called, "You Can Pick Your Friends but You Can’t Pick Your Relatives". Boy, did that one get a great response! So this idea of picking friends, how does it happen? Because my hunch is that there are some people who, frankly, we wouldn’t want as friends.
There are some people who I know – I can picture their faces right now – who I have to tell you, would make terrible friends and so they don’t become friends; I don’t let them into that circle, because if I did, that relationship would damage me. I’m sure you can think of a few people in your life who are just like that.
Now, in my own personal devotion time over the past few weeks I have been spending some time in the Old Testament Book of First Samuel. And I have to tell you, it is one of my favourite Books because you discover so much about whom God is and how He operates and how He thinks and how He reacts to things. Part of the story is that Israel demands a king. Up to this point their system of government has been a theocracy, with God as the Head of State. But they weaken and demand a king, just like all the other Nations around them as though, somehow, coming down to their level would be a good thing.
So God gives them a king, King Saul, having warned the people that it wouldn’t work out brilliantly in the end, but they still demanded the king. So they got what they deserved and surprise, surprise, surprise, things don’t go well, to the point where ultimately, where God takes His hand and His anointing off Saul and He anoints this young shepherd, David, to be the next king, even while Saul is still on the throne.
The problem is, with God’s anointing on him, David becomes a strong and powerful and popular figure. And meanwhile, Saul is still the king and he becomes incredibly jealous of young David, so Saul, not once, but several times, sets out to kill David. Isn’t that how it often happens?
I have seen it several times in ministry – I have seen a man who has been anointed by God for a role but at some point it becomes obvious to everyone and sundry, that God has taken the anointing away. And at that point – I am thinking of one man in particular now – this man lashes out and tries to destroy the people around him that still have God’s anointing on their lives.
And so, David is in Saul’s sights and in those days the king had the power of life and death over people – plain and simple. If the king decided you were going to die then, guess what, you were going to die. Let’s have a listen. First Samuel, in the Old Testament, chapter 18, beginning at verse 10:
The next day an evil spirit from God rushed upon Saul, and he raved within his house, while David was still playing the lyre, as he did day by day. Saul had his spear in his hand; and Saul threw the spear, for he thought,”I will pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice.
Saul was afraid of David, because the Lord was with him but had departed from Saul. So Saul removed him from his presence, and made him a commander of a thousand; and David marched out and came in, leading the army. David had success in all his undertakings; for the Lord was with him. When Saul saw that he had great success, he stood in awe of him. But all of Israel and Judah loved David; for it was he who marched out and came in leading them.
So, King Saul is still king in name only, but the anointing of God – God’s power, God’s favour to be king – has quite clearly passed from Saul to this young kid David. And Saul just wants to kill him. Well obviously, he doesn’t because David goes on to become perhaps, the greatest king that Israel ever had.
So who or what does God use to stop Saul from killing young David? Let’s look at First Samuel chapter 19, beginning at verse 1:
Saul spoke with his son Jonathan and with all his servants about killing David. But Saul’s son Jonathan took great delight in David. Jonathan told David, “My father Saul is trying to kill you; therefore be on your guard tomorrow morning; stay in a secret place and hide yourself. I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where you are, and I will speak to my father about you, if I learn anything I will tell you.
Jonathan spoke well of David to his father Saul, saying to him, “The king should not sin against his servant David, because he has not sinned against you, and because his deeds have been of good service to you; for he took his life into his hands when he attacked the Philistine, and the Lord brought about a great victory for all of Israel. You saw it and you rejoiced; why then will you sin against an innocent man by killing David without cause?”
Saul heeded the voice of his son Jonathan; Saul swore, “As the Lord lives, he shall not be put to death.” So Jonathan called David and related all these things to him. Jonathan then brought David before Saul and he was again in Saul’s presence as previously.”
See, it turns out that Saul’s son – the very man who, according to human logic, would be next in line for the throne – Saul’s son Jonathan, decides to save David’s life. The question you have to ask yourself is, ‘Why would he do that? Because as we read, “... Jonathan took great delight in David” in first Samuel chapter 9, verse 1.
Something inside Jonathan kind of clicked – he could see what everyone else could see – he could see that the mighty hand of God was on David; he could see the power of God on David; the favour of God on David; he could see the humility and power; the goodness of this man David, who had been anointed to become the next king and so he chose to become David’s friend. He stands up to his all-powerful father, King Saul and he defends David, as some risk to his own position, you would have to say; even to his own life. Remember Saul could have him struck down and killed – such was the power of the king.
It seems the way Jonathan chose David as his friend was to see the goodness of God in him. Now, not all the people who would be our friends are perfect, are they? But a fantastic first criterion for choosing a friend: Is this a good person? Is this a godly person? Is this the sort of person that God would choose? Well, as it turns out, David was exactly the sort of person that God would choose. He had already chosen him to be king. And not according to the world’s criteria of looks and outward success and presentation and physical strength and so on …
How did God choose David? Well, here is what God said to the Prophet Samuel when he was sent to choose a king from amongst Jesse’s sons who were David brothers. First Samuel chapter 16, verse 7:
The Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected this one; for the Lord does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.
And can I suggest to you that when you and I are looking for good friends; friends who will stand up for us; friends who will be faithful; friends whom we can trust – we would do well to choose them as God does – to choose someone after our own heart; to look not on outward success; not on how good looking they are or how wealthy they are but on the character of the man or the woman who would be our friend.
Imagine the choices we would make then … I mean, just imagine!
Honouring a Friend I always look forward you know, to the weekends. I guess it’s a time for a bit of a rest for most of us; time to catch up perhaps, with some friends. And as much as I love doing what I do during the week – I really enjoy working hard in all that I do – I also look forward to the weekends because it’s a time for catching up.
Saturday mornings often, my wife Jacqui and I will head down to our favourite little cafe and just spend some time together, catching up, talking, reading the newspaper and then perhaps over dinner or Sunday lunch we will catch up with some friends. Friends are special people and that is why we have been talking about friendship over these past few weeks.
Earlier we met young David before he became King of Israel, through God’s account of his life in the Old Testament Book of First Samuel. And we saw how it was that a young man by the name of Jonathan chose David to be his friend – now that’s okay, until you realise that Jonathan was King Saul’s son. David was likely to take the throne away from Saul, so Saul was trying to kill him. And if you do that then Jonathan would likely succeed his father on the throne of Israel.
Yet despite this, Jonathan befriends David; stands up for him and saves him, as we saw, from being killed by Saul. What we discovered was the reason Jonathan took this extraordinary step is that he was impacted by the godliness and the goodness of David. He saw into David’s heart and was impacted by that – he chose David as a friend, the same way that God chose David as a friend. Not by assessing the outward appearances but by looking on his character and his heart.
Now, as I have observed a few times during the course of this series, a friend in need is a friend indeed. In fact, that’s the title of this series of messages. And David was definitely in need because each time God through Jonathan, saved him from being killed by Saul, Saul would again be attacked by an evil spirit and would again come after David. Remember he planned to kill David, so if ever David needed a friend it was now.
And that friend was Jonathan, a man who, as we are about to see, was willing to put his very life on the line for David even though David was, effectively, his rival for the throne. Let’s have a listen to the powerful impact of Jonathan’s friendship for David. First Samuel chapter 20, beginning at verse 1:
David fled from Naioth in Ramah. He came before Jonathan and said, “What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin against your father that he is trying to take my life? He said to him, “Far from it! You shall not die. My father does nothing great or small without disclosing it to me; and why should my father hide this from me? Never!”
But David also swore, “Your father knows well that you like me; and he thinks, ‘Do not let Jonathan know this, or he will be grieved.’ But truly, as the Lord lives and as you yourself live, there is but a step between me and death.” Then Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you say, I will do for you.”
Well, David said to Jonathan, “Tomorrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at the meal; but let me go, so that I may hide in the field until the third evening. If your father misses me at the dinner, then say, ‘David earnestly asked leave of me to run to Bethlehem his city; for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.’ If he says, ‘Good!’ it will be well with your servant; but if he is angry, then know that evil has been determined by him.
Therefore deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a sacred covenant with you. But if there is guilt in me, kill me yourself; why should you bring me to your father?” Jonathan said, “Far be it from you! If I knew that it was decided by my father that evil should come upon you, would I not tell you?”
Then David said to Jonathan, “Who will tell me if your father answers you harshly?” Jonathan replied to David, “Come, let us go out into the field.” So they both went out into the field. Jonathan said to David, “By the Lord, the God of Israel! When I have sounded out my father, about this time tomorrow, or on the third day, if he is well disposed toward David, shall I not then send and disclose it to you? But if my father intends to do your harm, the Lord do so to Jonathan, and more also, if I do not disclose this to you, and send you away, so that you may be in safety. May the Lord be with you, as he has been with my father.”
If I am still alive, show me the faithful love of the Lord; but if I die, never cut off your faithful love from my house, even if the Lord were to cut off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.” Thus Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the Lord seek out the enemies of David,” Jonathan made David swear again by his love for him; for he loved him as he loved his own life.
Jonathan said to David, “Tomorrow is the new moon; you will be missed, because your place will be empty. On the day after tomorrow, you shall go a long way down; go to the place where you hid yourself earlier, and remain beside the stone there. I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I shot at a mark. Then I will send the boy, saying, ‘Go and find the arrows.’ If I say to the boy, ‘Look, the arrows are on this side of you, collect them,’ then you are to come, for, as the Lord lives, it is safe for you and there is no danger. But if I say to the young man, ‘Look, the arrows are beyond you,’ then go; for the Lord has sent you away. As for the matter about which you and I have spoken, the Lord is witness between you and me forever.”
And without going on to read the rest of the story, that’s preciously what happened. Now the reason I share this with you is, earlier we saw how Jonathan spoke up for David and therefore, saved his life. But here … here Jonathan is taking a huge next step – he is actually prepared to work covertly against his father to save David’s life and he gives himself only a fifty/fifty chance of making it through alive. Look again at verses 14 and 15:
If I am still alive, show me the faithful love of the Lord but if I die, never cut off your faithful love from my house, even if the Lord were to cut off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.
Jonathan has seen the goodness of David’s heart – he can tell that God has anointed David to be king – you just can, when the hand of God is on someone’s life, can’t you? So instead of fighting God the way his father, Saul, was fighting God by trying to kill David; instead of trying to hang onto the throne for himself, Jonathan lays down his needs and his wants and his priorities and his rights and puts his life on the line for David.
Now, unless he had done that, David would never have become king. Had Jonathan not done what Jonathan did, the whole history of Israel would have changed. Jonathan is a friend; a true friend; a friend indeed, because not only does he speak well of David to his father – let’s face it, talk is cheap – he is prepared to put his life on the line for his friend; he is prepared to sacrifice in order to honour his friend. And that … that right there is a true friend – someone who not only speaks well of you but who honours you through sacrificing for you.
Over a thousand years later, the Apostle Paul put it this way. Philippians chapter 2, verse 3:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility, regard others better than yourselves, that each of you look not to your own interests but the interests of others.
If you and I are looking for a friend, this is the sort of person we are looking for. And if you and I are looking to be a friend, this is the sort of person we are looking to be. The story of Jonathan’s friendship for David is something of a "back story" if you like, to the main plot of what’s going on here. In a sense, it’s not the main thing; the main thing is that God has anointed David to be king and eventually, he becomes king. But God uses Jonathon’s friendship; true friendship to make it happen.
God has plans for thee and me as well. And don’t be surprised if more often than not, He will bring a good friend alongside through whom He will make it happen.
What Am I Up For? I guess I have thought a lot about this story of Jonathan’s friendship for David. Right there at the outset something touched Jonathan deeply about this young David, who would be king. In fact, as many would go on to argue in hindsight, possibly the greatest king that Israel ever had, other than the King of the Jews, who found Himself nailed to a cross.
Yes, something just kind of clicked inside Jonathan when it came to David. First Samuel chapter 18, verse 1:
When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David and Jonathan loved him as he loved his own soul.
And so out of his heart decision to be David’s friend, Jonathan went on, time and time again, to save David’s life at great risk to himself. And as we will see over the next few weeks, that is ultimately something that cost him his life.
And this whole idea of loving your friends to death, literally, is a "Jesus" thing. Have a listen to what the Apostle John wrote some decades on, after Jesus had died and rose again and ascended into heaven. First John chapter 3, verse 16. John writes:
We know love by this: that Jesus laid down his life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for one another.
And so the thing I really think about and contemplate in my heart before the Lord is this: Berni, are you prepared to do that for your friends? Are you prepared to put yourself out? Are you prepared to put it all on the line for them? Interesting in this day and age we are often even too busy to do the basics for our friends, let alone to put our lives on the line! Have you noticed that?
So and so at the church is sick, really should cook a meal and take it over there – but it doesn’t happen because, "Well, I’m busy and I’m tired and stuff is happening …" You know how it is – it’s often how it goes. We just couldn’t be bothered. That’s how much we trivialise our friendships. That’s how self-absorbed and self-centred we have become, because that’s the culture we are living in. I kind of never quite expected this, but as I have been spending time in God’s Word just learning and re-learning what He has to say about friendships, can I tell you, it’s been a serious wake-up call for me. God is giving me a good shake and saying, "Bernie, do you get it? Do you see what I’m on about here when it comes to friendship?"
How about you? Is He giving you a good shake too? I hope so, because sometimes you and I need to be shaken out of our complacency. Sometimes the world squeezes us into its mould and tells us that that’s just the way things are. It’s the way things have to be – got a mortgage, got to earn money, got to do this, got to do that, this that and the other and all those things rob us of good and godly friendships.
And our enemy the devil, is sitting there rubbing his hands because he knows if he can isolate us then we will be weak and vulnerable – we will be in a place where he can readily attack us. But God … God doesn’t want us to be squeezed into the world’s mould; He wants us to feast on the bread of life; to drink the living water of His Spirit of wisdom and truth that are His Word and be forever changed. Romans chapter 12, beginning at verse 2:
Do not be conformed to this world, (do not let the world squeeze you into its mould) but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may be able to discern what is the will of God – what is the good and perfect and acceptable will of God.
And so my encouragement to you today is to be rocked to the core by the story of Jonathan’s friendship to David; be rocked to the core about the truth of choosing good friends; be rocked to the core as God challenges you as He does me, through His mighty and powerful call to be a "Jesus" kind of friend.
We know love by this; that Jesus laid his life down for us, and so we ought to lay our lives down for one another.
Be rocked to the core. Can I encourage you? Grab the Bible, read this story of Jonathan for yourself. It is in First Samuel – it is an awesome story. It goes on for a few chapters, it doesn’t take very long at all to read. The story of Jonathan has really impacted me, not to say, I need to be like Jonathan, but to challenge me about what sort of friendships I am prepared to have. To challenge me about how much I am prepared to sacrifice in order to be a friend and to challenge me about the sort of friends that I choose.
God has anointed some people in your life to be your friends, as He has done with me and there are some people who come as wolves in sheep’s clothing who appear to be good friends but are just going to tear us apart. Let me encourage you to take friendship seriously because none of us was made to operate as a stand-alone unit. None of us was made to be alone. God made us to live in godly relationships with the other people that He set around us.
That’s His plan!!
