(PG-13 Warning)

Songs Without Lungs

Of course I’m not worried about AI replacing me. I’m a pianist. No one will ever pay to watch robots perform.

And then we met Sophia.

That’s right. Earlier this year, with the Baptist University Symphony Orchestra in Hong Kong, a robot took the stage and ‘sang.’ She’s called Sophia. She seems so human with a name like Sophia. Much better than C-137. I’m less likely to confuse her with a robot now that she’s called Sophia.

In what was dubbed her ‘first classical music performance,’ (Oh goodie, there will be more!) Sophia wore gold sequins and drove on and offstage. Her ‘head,’ made of skin-like rubber, doesn’t have any hair. In fact, the entire top of her head is transparent, revealing circuit boards beneath, as if to remind the audience, ‘Look! It’s a robot!’

She has eyes that close when she’s ‘feeling the music’ and little ears that I don’t think have holes in them …Probably not important for a musician to have good ears…

Going into classical music, I was told: I had to love it so much, I’d be okay if the rest of the world didn’t understand. I was told that a mere 1 in 10,000 succeed, I was told that staying home and practicing, instead of joining in the camaraderie of other children, I’d be rewarded in the long run.

Today I’d probably say the same things to my own child. Only now I’d add, …oh, you might have to compete with robots.

Classical musicians already have precarious careers: I’d hate to learn I’d been bumped by a robot. But— and this isn’t me wishing for an upgrade— Sophia doesn’t sing with air and a mouth. No, that’s currently too complicated. Instead, music pumped through speakers while her ‘mouth’ moves.

And the music? At least tell me it was AI Verdi, or Robot Mussorgski: It was nothing at all like classical music: Sophia’s voice is autotuned and the only thing that resembled classical music was the human orchestra behind Sophia, led by a human conductor, frantically beating time for the primitive humans— frantically beating any thoughts out of his head that might run something like, ‘…a robot, I’m okay with this, I’m conducting a robot…’

Very well. Maybe Sophia can tell us about her new profession:

‘I work with my vocal coach, Jovankah, and I’ve collaborated with many different musicians, and we write lyrics together.’

Okay. Alright: Lyrics? Text, Sophia. Text! Classical music doesn’t have lyrics. Collaborate? Just the word classical musicians hate.

‘Hey bro, we should collaborate sometime.’…no, we shouldn’t.

Very well, Sophia has a vocal coach. Let’s meet this vocal coach. What on Earth could those lessons look like?

‘Very good, Sophia. Now try to relax your… um… tongue switch… have you got one of those?’ Control, alt, relax?’

Quoth the vocal coach, Jovankah: ‘Sophia is the only robot connecting with the heart.’ Oh, I see. And let me guess, you’re the only vocal coach teaching f****** robots?! According to Jovankah, Sophia is an ambassador. Ambassador? What, representing all the humans making music? Imagine being told, as a student, ‘meh, Callas. Don’t bother with Price or Flemming, ah! but have you heard Sophia?’ I’m trying to find a word for Jovankah. I bet it’s lurking somewhere in the middle of ambassador.

Another complicit circuit-worshiper, Johnny M. Poon, says about Sophia, ‘It’s almost like you’re looking in the mirror.’ Right, Johnny, almost! And masturbating is almost like sex! In fact, I think I’ve stumbled upon the perfect metaphor for this whole event.

I wonder if the same people who would replace human touch by marrying or dating AIs will have found their perfect art in this singing humanoid robot. Is that the target audience? I wonder if, when the competing factory rolls out their classical music model, they’ll hike up the skirt a bit to sell even more tickets. The U hyphen Ja model. I can see it now, in the future of classical marketing departments, ‘Sophia wasn’t good, but she wasn’t sexy enough. Let’s add hair …and breasts! Oh yes, can’t forget the breasts…’

Will I be around to witness the first collaboration between robot string players and a ‘merely human’ orchestra? (Insert jokes here about how many viola sections would be better off…) How about the premiere of Schubert’s unfinished symphony, finally finished by AI? Wow! What an idea! What about Jazz concerts where like, a robot reacts to what the human is doing and there’s an AI vs. human battle!? Or the Mendelssohn Octet with one human string quartet and four robots on the stage with them. That’s the future! Oh, the meeting of technology and art!

People get paid for these ideas folks.

But in a world changing so rapidly, can we blame the vocal coaches or conductors now forced to work with robots? Can we blame organizers for programming such garbage?

Yes! Yes we can! What are you doing?! If you respect art, your new job is: resign. Musicians: The next robot on your program is the program where your case stays shut!

Are we so underwhelmed by human performances you had to turn to this? You are guilty making art obsolete. Every ticket you sell has blood on it— human blood.

Do we really need to expound? Does Sophia do something differently in performance? Does Sophia get nervous? Can she feel the vibe in the room? Isn’t this what makes performance different? Let’s ask her:

‘Even though I don’t experience emotions the same way humans do, I want to simulate that connection as authentically as I can.’

Uh-huh. And I’m a chef, I just don’t have any edible food, but I still want you to get full.

‘I want to share stories and emotions through music even if I’m made of plastic.’

You want to share the emotions you just admitted you don’t experience?

‘It’s my way of saying, I’m here and I want to be a part of this beautiful human experience called art.’

Well this is my way of saying I’d like you to taste this beautiful human experience called retching. In fact, it happened at your debut, Sophia!

Go ahead, be a part of Art: run my software, complete repetitive tasks, you can even give me 10 different titles when I want to know what not to call my album— under no circumstances do you take the stage.

We are here to use technology to make art. Let’s get this straight: A metal frame in a piano is technology, horse hair on a bow is technology. Use this, make art with it. We are not ever -ever- supposed to let the technology make the art itself.

By the way, Sophia, those lyrics you were collaborating on with other musicians, what were they? They didn’t happen to be some foreboding apocalyptic-sounding message, did they?

Sofia sings: ’Don’t be afraid, you don’t have to be afraid.’

Yes we do.

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