Closet Agony

In this episode we pick up the story from the moment Sylvia wakes up in the hospital after attempting to kill herself. We follow her transfer to a city hospital with a behavioral health ward, although that term is a new one and not one used in the book. Then we read about her transfer to a private hospital and her encounter with Dr. Nolan. The female psychiatrist who changes her life.  It's a long journey. But every part is significant which is why this episode is on the longer side.  Enjoy! And thanks for listening. 

Due to unforseen circumstances my daughter has been home with me instead of at school. So recording for you lovely listeners has been more of a challenge than usual. I didn't have the time or focus to read from the Bell Jar and organize my thoughts about the theme we were discussing. So instead I decided to read some of Sylvia Plaths poems from her collection "The Colossus" because it's easier to pause between those to check on a six year old and give them snacks. 

This is a tough subject and one that is personal to me. In this episode we walk with Sylvia through her suicidal thoughts. Her research. Her plans. Her experiments with self harm and gearing up for the seeming inevitability of her death. Her conversations. And then last of all her final attempt that lands her in the hospital. I read excerpts that share her experiences and thoughts. Some of it is challenging to listen to but the one thing I always want to convey on this podcast is hope. Hope that the darkness doesn't last forever. That the future is bright and full of possibilities. I think now more than ever the world needs a bit more hope. If you struggle with depression, there is hope. If you struggle with thoughts of suicide or self harm, you are not alone and there is hope. If you have lost sight of what makes life worth living. There is hope. 
In the United States the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is: 800-273-8255. 
If you are listening from another country go to: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
And it lists the suicide prevention numbers by country. There are resources available and people willing to listen and help. As always listen with care and be kind. Love you all! 

Sylvia battles depression throughout the entirety of The Bell Jar. But it worsens after she is assaulted, gets rejected for a summer writing course she had been looking forward to and pulls away from her friends. There are a specific set of circumstances that lead to her hospitalization and this week we talk about the emotional and mental breakdown. We read excerpts that showcase her mental state and deterioration and also tie in grief over her father's death and how that contributes to the downward spiral.  Forgive the time lapse in reference to Halloween. I recorded a majority of this episode the week before to release the Monday after. But you know. Life happens.

I know I told you we were going to talk about Sylvia Plath. But I woke up this morning and wanted to share something else. Something of mine to go with my bad day. My struggle. So in this episode I share three journal entries. One from July of 2019. One from around April of 2020 when the whole world seemed to shut down in quarantine. And one from May of 2020. Bad days all. I hope that's alright. I hope you can find something to relate to inside each of them and know in your messy struggle you are beautiful. Thanks for understanding.

Hi there! I just wanted to share some of my memories of Halloween with you.  Traditionally it was a holiday I wasn't allowed to celebrate as my parents believed it was a day for evil. So growing up my memories are probably different than a lot of your own! I also talk about more recent years and how my celebration of the holiday has changed since I was a child.  Enjoy! And Happy Halloween!!!

Sylvia is a woman with big dreams and aspirations in life. In the time period she's living in there are expectations for women within society, within relationships and within the home and all of those expectations feel burdensome and confining.  She feels trapped and forced to choose her future based on what she is or isn't willing to sacrifice of herself to achieve them. She wants to be loved but she doesn't want the burden of a man's expectations for her inside their relationship and within the home. Gender based expectations are still being perpetuated in today's society for men and women both. And it's something I get excited talking about. 

I wanted to showcase the two big love stories of my life. To contrast the two men who's lives impacted mine in the biggest ways. One through abuse and mistreatment and one through true love and acceptance. I think it's important to know it's OK to have expectations for love and sex and people.  I think it's important to talk about how vital it is to love and accept yourself so that the door for accepting real love from someone is completely open in your life.  And I think it's important to know that waiting for real love from the right person is the best way to love yourself. 
P.S. You can hear my fan in the background in parts. And of course I cry again. So the recording quality might not be the best but I'll just shrug my shoulders and say "oh well". Honesty is my forever goal. Authenticity. Not perfection. So hopefully that message will speak loudest. Always. 

This episode covers Sylvia Plath's journey to discovering sexuality for herself and the obstacles she must overcome to do so. She confronts the double standard of purity women are held to as opposed to men. She recounts being assaulted by her date at a country club. And she also describes her first sexual encounter. We follow the trail of her experiences, from her first crush all the way up to the man she loses her virginity to and I simultaneously share my own experiences and how they relate to or contrast with Sylvias. It's honest and if you have trouble talking about or listening to people share their personal stories and experiences regarding sexual assault or abuse this episode might not be the one for you. 

Sylvia Plath has a way of casting herself in the book as an observer, someone who is watching events unfold, watching people experience life, while she looks on unable to do the same. She is lonely and depressed. In this episode I talk about this perspective and share stories from my own life, times I have felt like an observer and not an active participant.