Closing Crawl

Will the Nabooans ever be able to tell Gungans apart? What happens when one writer wants to make an homage to The Three Musketeers, and the other one to Kurosawa's Kagemusha? We answer these and other questions.  (P.S. Anakin is captured by Dooku, and that's like the C story!)

Our Jedi Fortune Cookie is "Who a person truly is cannot be seen with the eye." The radio announcer chimes in to tell us that Naboo is in peril - civil unrest leads to rumors that the Gungans will side with the separatists and attack Theed, leading Padme and Anakin to head back there. They meet up with Jar-Jar, who informs them that Boss Lyonie is blaming the Naboo for all the problems, and calling for the Gungan military to march on Theed. Anakin quickly realizes Lyonie has been possessed by an evil necklace; once removed, Lyonie realizes he's been tricked by new minister Rish Loo. The minister is in league with the Separatists - once he realizes Lyonie is no longer under control, Rish Loo stabs him and makes his escape.

While ensuring the not-dead-yet Lyonie has proper medical care, Anakin and PAdme realize that Jar-Jar looks a lot like Lyonie when wearing the crown, and also has the same voice actor, so he could just pretend to be Boss Lyonie and fix things! Rish Loo rallies the troops to attack Theed to avenge Boss Lyonie , but Boss Lyonie/Jar-Jar shows up to talk them out of it. Rish Loo escapes on a speeder this time, chased by Anakin. At the same time, the droid army arrives to find out why the attack was canceled. "Boss Lyonie'' meets with General Grievous to attempt to call it off. When that doesn't work, he has General Tarpals leave and make a quick speech to Padme about how he really likes the Naboo people and is definitely not going to die in the attack on General Grievous. Then the Gungans attack Grievous, and Tarpals dies, sacrificing himself so Grievous can be captured.

Darth Sidious says this is bad, and orders Dooku to capture Skywalker, then trade him back to the Republic for Grievous. Rish Loo leads Skywalker to Dooku, who is also on Naboo. Once they both arrive, Dooku kills Rish Loo, then he and a number of MagnaGuard attack Skywalker and the battle rages! The numbers game is too much for Anakin, and he is captured. Dooku offers the trade, which Padme regretfully declines - Grievous is far more valuable. But Jar-Jar and Lyonie talk her into accepting the deal, because of friendship. The exchange happens, and we reach THE END.


The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 5 and 6: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/794938c4-0700-4b1f-a6c3-20aff7ca1b39

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We buck convention and produce a recap podcast that is shorter than the source material this week! 

Closing Crawl produces propaganda for the monarchy this week, in exchange for a boatload of eels as we put another squid on the barbie and heads down under the sea.

There is dissension on Mon Cala between the "aggressive squid-like Quarren" and "their peaceful neighbors the Mon Calamari". The Mon Calamari king of the planet has been assassinated, and his son, Prince Lee-Char, is young and untested. The Quarren indicate a preference for self-determination, but the Mon Calamari let them know rules are rules, and the rules are male-line primogeniture. 

With civil war now inevitable (question mark?), the Republic sends a clone company led by Kit Fisto and Ahsoka Tano. But the Quarren, backed by Dooku and the Separatists attack first! Tamson tries to kill Lee-Char and fails, and the Quarren retreat for the day. But then they come back with their new super-weapon, Hydroid Medusae! Which are giant cyborg jellyfish. The Mon Calamari cannot beat electrical tentacles, so they retreat to a cave system.

Chocki is getting chewed out by Dooku for letting Lee Char escape because the writers room doesn’t understand ‘show, don’t tell’.  Dooku then advocates for internment camps for the Mon Cal in a direct ball kicking to our theory of moral equivalence between the Republic and Separatists.  Kit Fisto requests help from his own Space Time (™) with Mace and Yoda.  Ackbar continues to Peter Principle poor Lee Char and somehow everyone is cool with that.  Meanwhile Yoda stumbles on the idea of conscription, and Obi Wan suggests the Gungans because he’s petty.  Kit Fisto uses the dreaded rear admiral on some Quarren to steal their mini sub for his less moist peers.   Lee Char goes into hiding.  The Gungans are concerned, but Jar Jar convinces everyone that Padme ‘helped’ them suggesting that Gungans are part goldfish, and they promptly decide to jump into the meat grinder of Padme’s poor judgment. Kit Fisto is excited to see Gungans because it means the post victory orgy just got interesting.  I can’t think of any other reason anyone would be relieved to see Gungans.  Chocki uses a cyclone in a bottle from the local children’s museum to brutalize the Mon Cal and Gungan forces.  Everyone but Ahsoka and Lee Char are captured.  

We open on Padme, Jar Jar, Anakin, and Kit Fisto being interrogated by Biff Tannen, er, Riff Tamson.  The prince and Ahsoka come up with a plan to free the prisoners.  Meanwhile, Tamson breaks Padme’s helmet to encourage Anakin to talk.  The prince believes that Ri will join the Mon Cal to overthrow the separatists and Tamson… and he’s right.  At just the right time, the Quarren, Mon Cal, Gungans, and clones all fight back against the droids and sharks.  The prince kills Tamson by shooting an explosive he stuck in his shoulder… and OH GOD!!!  That’s a floating, decapitated head!?! 

The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 1, 2 and 3: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/0118dfcf-cb59-44eb-bb93-15888e9cb8a6

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Closing Crawl will return to regular releases on March 15th, 2022!

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The Closing Crawl crew and friends disclose their origin stories re: Star Wars printed media, Trioculus gets a name check, and we tease Dawson's Creek writer Kevin J. Anderson.

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While this episode of Closing Crawl is filmed in black and white, trust me, it's really funny - oooOOOHHHHH CHEWBACCA! We take on View Askew productions Clone Wars, Season 3 Episodes 21-22, Padawan Lost and Wookie Hunt.

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Clone Wars finally pays off the foreshadowing we've all been waiting for since Clone Cadets. Closing Crawl sends Echo to a nice farm in upstate New York in Clone Wars: Season 3 Episodes 18-20: The Citadel, Counterattack, and Citadel Rescue

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Lucas elucidates Anakin's chosen one status, and Closing Crawl is none the wiser. This episode is dedicated to Scott Swanson, hacker, mentor, friend.

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An important arc sees the canon (re)introduction of the Nightsisters and... Darth Maul is alive? Plus an episode called Witches of the Mist about Mother Talzin and Ventress doesn't pass the Bechdel test. Closing Crawl meets The Kurgan's alter ego in Clone Wars, Season 3, Episodes 12-14: Nightsisters, Monster, Witches of the Mist

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Star Wars goes back to its roots: trade disputes, banking regulations, and Draculas. Closing Crawl negotiates Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 10 and 11: Heroes on Both Sides, and Pursuit of Peace

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Rub2-D-Tug falls into a Black Mirror episode, while 3P0 ends up in a Saw movie, and Truman Capote ends up dead. Join Closing Crawl as we nail it in one take, resulting in no post credits sequence, for this week's review of Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 3 Episodes 8 and 9, Evil Plans and Hunt for Ziro.

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