Closing Crawl

Welcome to Season 5, the season with no name! We begin with the radio announcer telling us that Maul and Opress have teamed up to do bad across the Outer Rim - so bad that they kill two Jedi in new footage during the opening montage! The brothers secure a pile of ill-gotten loot on Cybloc, where Maul also makes formal the fact that the Rule of Two is in effect, and that Savage is the junior member of the team. They then take their booty to Florrum, where the evil duo bribe a number of Hondo Ohnaka's gang to join up. The villains plot an attack on our...friend?.. Hondo for refusing to join as well. 

Obi-wan and Adi Gallia are on their trail, and make it to Florrum to join the fight. Sadly, Adi Gallia's Jedi Power Battles come to an end at the horns of Savage Opress. Kenobi and the Weequay retreat to the tunnels, where Kenobi offers to fight the Zabraks while Hondo collapses the tunnels to separate the Sith from his former pirate crew. Hondo readily agrees. A lightsaber battle rages! Kenobi gains the upper hand by disarming Savage; in the other tunnel, Hondo reconciles with the men who earlier betrayed him. The combined forces turn the tide of combat, and Maul and Opress are forced to flee the planet.

Back on Coruscant, Kenobi demands further action against Maul, but Chancellor Palpatine and Master Yoda decide this is too personal for Kenobi, and the Separatists remain the real threat. They promise to take action against Maul if he pops his antlered dome up in the future. As the Jedi depart, we zoom in on Palpatine smirking at how this is all going, and we reach THE END. 

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The Closing Crawl crew talks Star Wars Games: Video Games, Card Games, Board Games, Mind Games, Hunger Games - you name it and... by GAWD - is that Jon's Music?!?!?

We'll discuss our earliest memories of Star Wars video and tabletop games, from the highest highs of the Decipher GGC, to the lowest lows of that one mission in X-Wing where you had to identify freighters.

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We open on a menacing RED title card and the Radio Announcer reminds us of Savage Opress' creation, rise, and betrayal of Dooku and Asajj Ventress, plus his new mission: to find his brother, Darth Maul.  

Dooku and Grievous discuss the rise of something sinister and we cut to Savage terrorizing a Waffle House at a spaceport, where some special dust-laden cargo leads him to a spaceship he commandeers to take him to a planet he believes his brother is on.

Anakin and Ahsoka show up at the diner, just to eat, but a lingering darkness like a distant fart tells Anakin something foul is nearby.

Sir Hiss shows up to guide Savage through his destination planet, but leads him to a trap as an offering to an old legend "BELOW”...  Who turns out to be Darth Maul, now with his bottom half resembling a robotic Shelob from LOTR, his horns grown out, and his mind driven crazy by the isolation; but all the while holding one thought: REVENGE.

Yoda and Obi-Wan sense this awakening... as we come to The End.

Another red title card before our Jedi Fortune Cookie "The enemy of my enemy is my friend". The Radio Announcer tells us Maul has been taken back to Mother Talzin. Still messed up in the head, Savage leaves Maul on the ship to find Talzin, and discovers the slaughter of the Nightsisters. Talzin reaches into Maul's mind to pull out his proverbial demons while also giving him new legs to replace the cobbled-together spider legs he had made himself.

Maul slaughters innocents and broadcasts it to the Jedi and tells them that Obi-Wan must come alone. Yoda lets him go alone, but senses an unlikely ally will aid him... Asajj Ventress (who just learned of the bounty on Savage's head).

Obi-Wan, getting his butt kicked by the horned brothers, is saved when Savage shows up. The four duel it out, but Asajj and Obi-Wan are outmatched and escape. Maul decides that patience is a virtue, and he will be counting on the jedi to try to track him down.

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Asajj Ventress has sought sanctuary with the Nightsisters of Dathomir. She meets with Mother Talzin, who tells Ventress to abandon Dooku and the Sith, and become a true nightsister. A baptismal ceremony changes Ventress' eye color, and a celebration signals her rebirth as a Nightsister. Meanwhile, Dooku learns that Ventress has returned, so he orders Grievous to attack Dathomir and wipe out the Nightsisters. 

The Separatist fleet arrives, and the battle rages! Ventress leads a counterattack which has some success, until Grievous sends out defoliator tanks to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches. Mother Talzin goes to Old Daka, and asks her to call the army of the dead; apparently she is the last heir of Isildur, so it works. It's zombies vs. robots! Mother Talzin reveals she has a lock of Dooku's hair; she uses it to create a poppet of him and torment via the power of sympathetic magic. Grievous and Ventress stage a lightsaber duel for the fate of the planet, but when Ventress is about to win, Grievous cheats and has his troops intervene. But before they can kill Ventress, Dooku orders them after Mother Talzin to stop the psychic attack on him. 

Grievous discovers Talzin and Daka. He kills Old Daka, ending the threat of the zombie army, and forces Talzin to turn to mist and flee. The separatist army quickly deals with the remaining nightsisters without their undead reinforcements. Mother Talzin appears in spectral form to Ventress, telling her she has her own path to follow now, then vanishes.

With the Nightsister clan wiped out, Assajj is wandering the outer rim looking for her own purpose. She ends up on a desert planet and heads to the bar because she has 4d in genre savvy.

She is noticed by Bossk who is a good bounty hunter, but who’s real talents lie in team building. A short interview ensues and we head to the hideout where Dengar is annoying and Bossk tells him to shut up. We meet the rest of the crew in Boba Fett and his baroque assassin droid Hi-C? Oh Yeah!

The job’s a pretty standard escort mission. Our antagonists are super cool looking underworld dwellers and I had to check to make sure that this episode wasn’t titled ‘the Crystal Shard.’ The under-ninjas have really taken realultimatepower.net to heart and are flipping out all over the place. The bounty hunters are good, but there are too many ninjas. Space Drizzt enters the fight with two awesome electro katanas and proceeds to beat up Boba, solving one of the great nerd debates of all time.

We find out that the cargo was Drizzt’s sister; Pulma. After the legally distinct and totally unique space Drow are captured, Pulma says that Assajj will never know what it’s like to be ripped from the only life she’s ever known. Even Boba Fett is powerless before a nat 20 persuasion role. Ventress decides to take charge of the operation, which Boba does not care for.  He fucks around and finds out. Assajj delivers the box and the gross pasha of this planet makes it clear that Pulma is his bride and I do not like this. Ventress collects the bounty, and shock!!! Boba was in the box. Unfortunately for him all humanoids look the same to Belugians and Boba spends a few very unpleasant days before the mix up is discovered.

Assajj frees Pulma and Krismo and takes her cut of the bounty. She delivers the remaining shares of the bounty to the rest of the hunters. Assajj has grown and she has her own life to live and is she the best character in Star Wars?

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A plot to kidnap the chancellor by Eval Moralo that has been thwarted…?  The Jedi decide to form their own plot.  Obi Wan is shot and falls to his apparent death.  We know falling is a jedi’s greatest skill, but what this episode presupposes is, maybe it isn’t?  Obi Wan has a funeral and Anakin is absolutely losing his shit.  Meanwhile Rako Hardeen starts bragging in a bar that he shot Obi Wan to general acclaim.  Yoda and Mace are worried and Obi Wan is alive!?  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a soccer flop and 10 being Mankind in the ‘98 Hell in a cell match, our scientific survey gives Obi Wan’s performance a 7.4.  Obi Wan undergoes a Face/Off procedure and takes the place of Rako Hardeen who was employed by the jedi the whole time.  

Faako and crew make it to Nal Hutta and promptly crash into a swamp. Anakin and Ahsoka show up on Nal Hutta.  Palpatine tells Mace and Yoda where Anakin went and suggests that they have more faith in him.  Yoda immediately wilts and suggests they come clean because he doesn’t have the stones for the Great Game.  Lord Palmerston he is not.  Anakin and Ahsoka arrive in time to see a behatted figure entering a space ship and Ahsoka correctly deduces it’s Cad Bane because, and I quote, ‘who else would wear a hat like that.'  She’s the best.  A cool battle with Cad Bane happens and Faako runs right into Anakin.  Anakin promptly knees Obi Wan right in nuts which just proves that he knows subliminally that it's actually Obi Wan.

We open on bounty hunters arriving on Serrano where a brutal contest is about to take place.  Obi-Wan, as Rako Hardeen, henceforth known as Fauxbi-Wan (not Fako), and Cad Bane are introduced to Dooku where they accept the challenge ahead. They're going to enter the eponymous box, a towering cube in front of them. With the final five selected, Dooku reveals the plan to capture the Chancellor on Naboo during a festival and using this as leverage to release Sepratist prisoners.

Obi-Wan as Fauxbi-Wan travels to Naboo with the other bounty hunters to capture Chancellor Palpatine at the festival of light.  

Dooku and the final five go over their plan, and "slip into" their holo-disguises as clone guards.  

Fauxbi-Wan, now free from prying eyes and ears, radios Mace and informs him of the plan. Palpatine takes the podium, surrounded by ray shields.  The Parwan bounty hunter is able to slip through the shields and causes an explosion.  Mace orders two guards to get him out of there on a nearby speeder.  The two guards create a bait-and-switch with Palpatine and escape.  Anakin, coming face to face with an altered Fauxbi-Wan, is angry he's been lied to by the council and wonders how many other lies they've told him.

Obi-Wan, questioning potential lies told to him by Dooku and Eval, discovers a bug in his sniper rifle case and knows Dooku has heard everything.

Meanwhile, Anakin and Palpatine are surprised by Dooku and some droids.  Dooku and Anakin fight while Palapatine is restrained.  Obi-Wan, showing up just in time, helps Anakin to save the day.  Dooku, in a final attempt to plant seeds of lies and anger in Anakin by feeling undervalued by the jedi council, proceeds to levy some expert level snark on Anakin to rile him up.

Episodes on Disney+: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/c639cb21-5137-4090-a440-8f84a171d235
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Our JFC is "Friendship shows us who we really are." The radio announcer lets us know that in hopes of ending the war, the first ever official meeting between the Republic and Separatists is being held on the neutral world of Mandalore. The negotiations seem to be going poorly, with the Separatists having a ridiculous demand that their government be recognized as legitimate. We all know that the Republic is not a fan of self-determination. But just then, our old friend Lux Bonteri (remember him?) jumps in to announce that Dooku killed his mother, Senator Mina Bonteri. Separatist security arrests him. Dooku appears via spacetime to taunt Lux before ordering his death, but he is saved at the last moment by his good friend Ahsoka -- being "discreet" just like Padme asked. They escape on a Republic shuttle; when Ahsoka says they'll be returning to Coruscant, Lux tases her and heads for the planet Carlac, where he says others want to help him kill Dooku. 

When they arrive on Carlac, a world of both snow and cherry blossoms(?), Lux has hidden Ahsoka's lightsabers (it turns out they're just in a cabinet), so they wander off unarmed and are met by a bunch of members of the Mandalorian Death Watch, including Bo Katan, who might be important later. Lux is there to sell out Dooku; Ahsoka plays it cool by pretending to be his fiancé. They head off to an occupied town, where the Death Watch prove they are the bad kind of terrorists, by torturing helpless droids, who I guess are people now. Lux explains the plan - he traced Dooku over Spacetime(tm), and is selling the location to Deathwatch, who want him dead. Ahsoka is skeptical, as the Death Watch are bad, mm-kay? To prove her point, their leader, Pre Vizsla arrives; he wants to kill Dooku for vaguely explained reasons about things that happened offscreen.

Artoo is assigned to repair the tortured droids for more torture later while Ahsoka is held captive with a group of native Ming Po people, who are definitely not awkward stereotypes, who explain as almost the first word out of their mouths to a stranger that they are a simple people who trust easily and were betrayed. You know, small talk. Later that day, the Ming Po chieftain, Pieter, demands Death Watch leave and return the captives. Pre agrees to do so at sunrise, but it turns out he just means he's going to kill the captives and burn down the village. The carnage upsets Ahsoka, who reveals herself but is captured. Fortunately, Artoo has rebuilt a bunch of combat droids, who stage a rescue while Artoo gets Ahsoka her lightsabers. The battle rages! Ahsoka outduels Pre by blowing up his jet pack, and our heroes try to escape on a landspeeder. Bo Katan grabs her gun and tries to bring in the cat, but is defeated in a fist fight. Ahsoka, Artoo, and Lux make it back to the ship, but before they can head for Coruscant, Lux takes the escape pod, letting Ahsoka know they make a good team, but he has his own path to follow and we reach the end.

The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episode 14: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/916bff39-2aae-47db-b43a-e22f4179d093

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On the planet Kiros, artisan colonists created a society with no weapons, only art and beauty. Let's see how that plays out for them! Count Dooku makes an offer the governor can't refuse: 'Safe haven' for the citizens of Kiros as slaves, under the control of Zygerrian Atai Molec! 

Anakin, Obi-wan, and Ahsoka arrive. The battle rages! When Obi-wan goes to meet to discuss terms for surrender, D'Nar explains he meant that Obi-wan would surrender. Obi-wan wants to settle things the old Zygerrian way, which just turns out to be hand-to-hand combat. Obviously, D'Narr beats the shit out of Kenobi.  

Obi-wan returns to his old stand-by, reneging on surrender negotiations - but D'Nar escapes to his ship and takes off. Anakin and Ahsoka give chase by sacrificing their AT-PT walkers to double jump, just like Mario dropping Yoshi down a pit. 

They bad cop/worse cop D'Nar into explaining that the Zygerrians will use the colonists to rebuild their slave empire. Then the Jedi Council discusses things and comes to the conclusion that the Zygerrians will use the colonists to rebuild their slave empire! 

Our jedi travel to Zygeria to try to locate the kidnapped colonists.  Ahsoka is playing the part of the slave because Anakin claims he wasn’t any good at it when he played the part despite an 8 season run on Tatooine that Watto described as ‘a good time had by all’.  

Ahsoka meets a slaver and Anakin talks his way into a meeting with the queen, he gives the queen Ahsoka and the queen must be picking up what Anakin is putting down because she is super into this whole scene.  Somewhere Kit Fisto senses a very erotic disturbance in the Force.

Rex and Obi Wan find the Togruta leader and try to escape on a lizard.  I’m not sure why that’s the character trait they chose to highlight for Obi Wan, but there you go.  

Obi Wan is captured and we transition to the slave auction and get a pretty sweet RotJ music cue and R2 launches the lightsabers to Anakin and the jail break is in full swing.  The jedi are quickly overwhelmed but Anakin fights to the last and the queen is so into Anakin’s determination that she is about to join Kit Fisto in an erotic coma.  

The queen and Anakin are flying on lizards and the queen is violating quite a few HR regulations. They have a philosophical debate about self interest and freedom and I haven’t learned the queen’s name until now but I suspect it’s probably Johanna Galt or something subtle like that.

The slaves have been put to work. Obi Wan tries to make things better, but "Jedi only make things worse".  Which breaks Kenobi's spirit when he realizes he cannot help the others.  

The queen & Dooku argue, and her PM betrays her, so now enter Anakin to be framed for her murder.

Anakin announces that a republic fleet, having just jumped into light speed, will even the odds, they free the slaves from the prison camp! After being freed, Ahsoka encourages the Governor to join the republic.

The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 111, 12, and 13: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/02bd06fc-230f-4667-b9da-23fb11d66b70

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We depart the Adventure genre for the War is Hell genre, as the clones decide whether or not to follow General Krell up river.  With the spotlight on Rex and the Clones - how will they account themselves when faced with treason and fratricide?

Plan of Dissent: This episode’s JFC is “The wise man leads, the strong man follows.” Our RA summarizes the last two episodes, which involves Jedi Master Krell leading Rex’s and Anakin’s clone squadron into slaughter on the planet of Umbara while the clones are growing tired of dying needlessly and start to rebel.

We cut to Obi-Wan informing Krell and Rex that a supply ship in orbit above the capital is continuing to give weapons to the enemy, and that Obi-Wan and team are unable to take it out due to some support ships that haven’t shown up yet.  Rex and team have cracked the Umbarin security codes and could fly the captured ships from the base covertly into battle, but Krell wants no part in that.  They’ll take the capital the best way possible, from the ground!  

Fives, Jesse, and Hardcase disobey orders and take three fighters into the battle over the capital to blow up the supply ship “from the inside, just like General Skywalker did when he was a boy”.  Once inside the supply ship, the ray-shields prevent the smaller fighters from making a dent, but Hardwire jumps to the ground and goes through doors into the reactor core to blow it up… sacrificing himself in the process.  

Fives and Jesse return to the base, but Krell plans to court-martial them for their “insurrection”.

Carnage of Krell: This episode’s JFC is “Our actions define our legacy.”  After the RA’s summary, we cut to Rex pleading with Krell to save Fives and Jesse, but Krell now orders their immediate execution.  Dogma is excited to see the traitors receive their just desserts, but the executioners refuse to pull the trigger.  When Rex goes to report this to Krell, an incoming message shows that Umbarans have stolen clone armor and weapons, and are hiding amongst  clones to confuse them… this works, which causes clone-on-clone violence as two squads come across each other and proceed to ready-fire-aim with their new don’t ask/don’t tell policy on being a clone under the helmet.  Waxer, with his final breath, reveals that it was Krell that ordered his squad to attack Rex’s squad of “undercover Umbarans”.

After seeing the tragedy of killing their own brothers, Rex and the clones go to arrest Krell for treason.  But taking out a four-armed jedi is no easy task.  “I will not be undermined by some creatures bred in a laboratory.”  On the chase for Krell after he jumps out a window, Dogma tries to stop Rex, but is taken to the brig.  Krell proceeds to unleash the eponymous “Carnage” upon the clones in the jungle outside the base.  Tup lures Krell towards an oversized venus flytrap, which gives the clones the distraction, and extra arms, needed to subdue Krell with a stun shot.  Krell, now in his cell, reveals that he was auditioning for Count Dooku and was counting on clones like Dogma and their blind loyalty to help him achieve his goals.

With the capital city now captured by Obi-Wan, the Umbarans decide to make the clone-occupied base their final assault.  Rex knows that Krell cannot be captured / released by the Umbarins since he’ll reveal all the republic’s secret codes and locations to the separatists.  When Rex hesitates to pull the trigger, Dogma does the deed.  As they prepare to leave, Rex reveals the beginning of his existential crisis.  “When the war is over, what happens to us then?

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This week on General Swap: can the 501st adapt to General Krell’s “choke the rivers with our dead” tactics, or will they earn the respect of a tough but fair boss? Legendary editor Water Murch takes a seat in the director’s chair for this story arc, which sees what the Clone Wars are like to the boots. Jony Ive guests as a model designer for the Umbaran vehicles.  One of those things is true.

Darkness on Umbara:

Tthe Republic has launched a lightning strike on Umbara, who have thrown in with the Separatists [possibly due to their Senator getting murdered in the episode of the same name]. Anakin and the 501st make a landing under fire, and the battle rages! They are opposed by Umbarans in pressure suits, as well as tanks and carnivorous plants.

Jedi Master Pong Krell arrives to inform Skywalker that the Jedi Council has ordered him back to Coruscant at the request of Palpatine, and that Krell is assuming command of the 501st. After Anakin leaves, Krell lets it be known that he's a real hard-ass who does things by the book and doesn't particularly care about the clones; also, in our biggest example of lightsaber escalation to date, he has two double-bladed lightsabers, because he's just that cool.

Master Krell changes the battle plan - instead of surgical strikes on the capital's defenses, the 501st will now be making a frontal assault.  Rex explains he has a duty to his men as well as the plan, and Krell admits some amount of grudging respect.

The General: 

The clones are being torn apart by Umbaran air power who actually seem to be counting coup by bludgeoning the clones instead of shooting them from the sky.  

Obi Wan Space Times (™) General Custer and tells him that they need him to take an airfield and that everything rests on his battalion.  A clone rolls a nat 20 and asks if Krell is trying to get the clones killed.  Fives makes a good point about Anakin and that at least he leads from the front, no matter how dumb his ideas.  Rex is the only thing standing between Krell and a complete mutiny.  

Rex tries to put lipstick on a pig, but the pig turns out to be a giant ray-shielded centipede mech with about a million guns.  Sorry, make that a bunch of giant ray-shielded centipede mechs.  But rocket launchers, thermal detonators and a disdain for self-preservation overcome a lot of obstacles.  

The clones look like they’d be fine in Zombieland because Fives makes sure to double tap a wounded Umbaran who survived a rocket launcher to the dome.  And just like that I’m back on my moral equivalence bullshit y’all!  Krell demands that Rex throw his clones into the meat grinder because he was a padawan for Jedi Master Sir Douglas Haig. The episode ends with a close up of flames reflected in Krell’s yellow eyes.  I’m sure that’s not ominous.

The Clone Wars: Season 4, Episodes 7 and 8: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/f9bfac62-4bb9-443b-905c-db5d978df3f2

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Mercy Mission Synopsis:

Radio Announcer: Tragedy has struck Aleen.

On the way down to the planet the clones see an Aleena riding a giant insect thing and says ‘Great, it’s going to be another one of those planets’ in case you’d forgotten that teenage boys are the absolute worst.  The design of the Aleena suggests that Brian Froud has snuck into Lucasfilm; let’s see if we get a darkly whimsical fairytale allegory that will give kids nightmares.  Or even David Bowie’s crotch (fingers crossed!).  

3PO promptly falls down the hole and R2, who is always down for a weird LSD trip, is right behind him.  They start walking and are immediately swarmed by faeries.  They enter a subterranean world that immediately references Dagobah.  Revelation here we come.  3PO and R2 meet the Kindaloo, who look like an Ent and a Landstrider got lost in a Piers Anthony novel.   

The Kindaloo see a potential solution in 3PO and send him to see Orphne.  The faeries coalesce into Orphne who promptly tastes 3PO in case you didn't know which kind of faerie queen we were dealing with.  Orphne says that 3PO will do what he is meant to do and gives a riddle.  Fortunately 3PO’s speciality is riddles and Never Ending Story references, so he gets to work.  R2, who is basically Puck, gets there first and pees on the right floor symbol and unlocks a water elevator into a flower and 3PO and R2 are spit back onto the surface.  Underground vapors remember that they exist and commence to poison the Aleena.  

R2 and 3PO, because they don’t breathe, are able to seal the breach and bring peace back to Aleen.  A small Aleena does what we all wanted to do as kids and hugs R2 in thanks.  The clones are still being giant wangs.  The end.

Nomad Droids Synopsis:

We open on 3PO Spacetiming (™) with Padme to tell her of their adventures.  The cruiser gets attacked by Grievous.  

R2 and 3PO “commandeer” a Y-wing and the two end up crashing on a nearby planet.  The locals attack, but they’re only about 6” tall.  The Lilliputians proceed to pull a Gulliver’s Travels on the two droids.  While bumping proverbial chests with the king, R2 is knocked over by 3PO and crushes him to death…   3PO decides to instill democracy upon them, but that quickly descends into voter fraud (no joke).

The droids leave the planet on their newly repaired Y-wing, but don’t have enough power, so they land on another nearby planet.  They’re brought to this planet’s leader, some repair droids doing a great and powerful OZ impression.  The locals revolt and destroy the hologram and lightning producing machine, causing R2 and 3PO to wander away as their power reserves fall to zero.  

 The clones and Jedi run across the pair.  We end the episode with 3PO telling their story to a captive and unwilling audience in Commander Wolffe.

The Clone Wars: Season 4 Episodes 5 and 6: https://www.disneyplus.com/video/1d717a67-fdce-4404-aed6-3cca361e0946

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