Coffee with The Couple Cure

Jay opens up about the internal voice telling him to confess his porn addiction - and why he actively chose to ignore it for years. We explore:

• The pattern of CALCULATED DELAY

• What that "voice of truth" actually sounds like

• The PERSONAL COSTS of ignoring God's promptings

• The split-second decision between truth and silence

• How SILENCE IS NEVER NEUTRAL

• When lying feels holy

If you're struggling with porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or wondering whether to come clean about your secrets, this conversation offers hope and practical insight into this crucial part of the recovery process.

Timestamps

00:00 Intro

00:28 Did you ever feel like you should tell the truth?

01:39 Jay describes the VOICE OF TRUTH (hearing God)

04:36 Earlier opportunities to avoid D-Day

06:29 What did you do when the voice showed up?

08:06 On feeling unlovable

10:05 When the wife ACCEPTS THE ADDICTION

12:55 Misunderstanding about ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

15:44 HOW GOD SEES US (3 ways)

18:35 Did you think silence would keep you lovable?

21:50 Personal COSTS of ignored nudges

24:31 Silence is never neutral

28:16 Was there a question I SHOULD HAVE ASKED to make you confess?

30:28 Was there any part of this that felt holy or virtuous? (spiritual costs)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this raw conversation, we expose why the lies addicts tell and the beliefs they hide behind increase betrayal trauma. Jay opens up about the shocking justifications for his deceit and the internal struggles he faced while battling addiction. We cover two ways to COMBAT THE DELUSION of 'protecting' a partner from the truth. Lori asks about the deep-seated beliefs that shaped his actions, and stay until the end in for an eye-opening conversation on spiritual values, as well as a behind the scenes (kind of funny) moment.

Timestamps

00:00 Intro and Question

02:01 I don't want to get better

04:42 It became acceptable

05:17 “The beliefs that justified my lies”

09:02 Beliefs about LIFE/RELATIONSHIPS that helped him justify lying*

13:41 One more belief from his past

14:42 Solution: What is the history of the addict in your life?

16:55 "Maybe I SHOULD QUIT the thing I'm lying about?"*

18:35 Delusion and Pollyanna

20:36 Did Jay ever think the lying would cause more damage than porn.

23:58 What was the most shocking lie Jay justified?

24:53 Did SPIRITUAL/MORAL VALUES ever compete with his justifications?*

26:37 Jay’s thinking now?

27:41 The PROBLEM WITH CONFESSING all at once*

28:55 WORSE than porn

31:21 Feedback

32:06 BTS Moment involving a Bow and Arrow

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#BetrayalTrauma

#HealingTrust

#PornAddiction

#MarriageAdvice

#Confession

After 15 years of addiction, lies, and hiding, Jay finally found BROKENNESS. Not in a loud, dramatic crash, but in a quiet, rock-bottom moment where he just couldn’t keep lying about it... not to his wife, and not to himself.

In this video, we unpack THE MOMENT everything shifted, the darkest time in our marriage. We also cover the exact truths that went through Jay's mind at that moment, what finally broke the cycle, and what actions keep him sober to this day.

If you're stuck in addiction or trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, this conversation gets real. We name what actually changes things—not just for addicts, but for the wives of men who are ready to get serious.

This was the moment that made truth livable.

This was the day everything began to change.

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Intro and Question

00:43 The day Jay found BROKENNESS/hit ROCK BOTTOM

02:54 Jay's darkest moment (This really FRUSTRATES Lori)

05:33 What Jay told himself when he hit Rock Bottom

06:19 What made all the difference

08:13 Solution: If you can't leave

11:52 Addicted thinking vs Sober thinking

13:56 How Jay stays sober 15 years later*

16:08 "Those made all the difference" *

16:58 One big thing

17:57 What FREEDOM actually feels like now*

19:44 How Jay feels about himself now

21:18 How Jay has changed (from Loris POV)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#rockbottom

#truth

#healing

#soberlife

#addiction

#marriagehelp

#liedtoher

#pornrecovery

#breakthestigma

What does real intimacy feel like after betrayal, addiction, and years of rebuilding trust? In this episode, we open up about how Jay’s ability to connect has changed over time — from fake vulnerability and performance to HONEST EMOTIONS and simple, humble presence.

Jay shares how he used to seek physical intimacy to avoid emotions, and how healing has redefined what closeness feels like. We talk about the risks of being emotionally naked, the power of GIVING SACRIFICIALLY, and how intimacy now lives in the small moments we missed before.

Topics we explore in this episode:

– The quickest path to intimacy (hint: it's not sex)

– What vulnerability really means

– Giving to give vs. giving to get

– Why 50/50 doesn’t fully heal relationships

– Untangling emotional from physical intimacy

– Presence: the real secret to connection

If you’ve ever wondered what intimacy can look like after real healing — not just surviving but connecting deeply — this one is for you.

00:00 Intro and question

00:44 How Jay saw intimacy THEN vs NOW

03:38 But it's not this...

04:06 What intimacy looks like after healing the relationship

05:35 The QUICKEST way to intimacy

07:49 Giving to give vs. GIVING TO GET

09:02 Should it be 50/50?

09:55 Did Jay ‘fake it’ at church?

13:08 Qualities of vulnerability

14:53 Now intimacy 'is just there'

17:50 The main thing: Presence

Leave a comment and let us know what touched you most.

Subscribe for more episodes on healing from porn addiction and betrayal trauma.

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#intimacyafterbetrayal

#emotionalintimacy

#rebuildingtrust

#vulnerabilityheals

#relationshiphealing

‘I thought intimacy was just sex—until I started recovering from porn addiction.’ In this video, Jay shares how ONE POWERFUL TOOL helped him heal our relationship, create real intimacy, and start feeling connected in a way he ‘didn’t think was possible’ when healing from his porn addiction. We also bring up a caution or two, providing guidance on how to implement this tool depending on where you are in your own healing journey.

Whether you're early in your journey or years into recovery, this tool might help you bridge the distance, reconnect with your spouse, and build a deeper relationship.

What we’ll cover:

• How porn addiction can affect intimacy

• How real intimacy is built during relationship healing

• THE TOOL that helped us shift everything

➤ Subscribe for more honest conversations around addiction, recovery, and emotional healing.

➤ Leave a comment: What has intimacy looked like for you in recovery?

00:00 Intro and Question

00:19 Jay’s Answer

00:30 Introducing the tool

04:21 The "F" in FANOS

04:38 The "A"

04:58 The "N"

05:48 The "O"

06:29 The "S"

07:53 Hint for addicts trying to rebuild trust

09:25 IMPORTANT: If it's early in the process of rebuilding trust

11:41 A Warning

13:03 A way to date early on (before Phase 3)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#PornAddictionRecovery

#IntimacyAfterPorn

#RewiringTheBrain

#MenAndIntimacy

#SobrietyJourney

In this episode of the Couple Cure Podcast, we dive into the complexities of intimacy (OUTSIDE the bedroom) when Jay was in active addiction, the challenges of seeking validation, and the impact of hidden lives on self-worth. Through personal stories, we discuss the hardships faced due to perceived inadequacies, and how addiction can distort the perception of love and intimacy. We also set the stage for further exploration of what true intimacy means as they heal together in future episodes.

00:00 Intro and Question

01:24 For Jay intimacy looked like (The Problem)

02:15 What Jay was seeking

02:50 How Lori was already giving it

05:01 The REAL reason "Lori didn't affirm me!"

06:09 Why Jay could not believe Lori's words

10:55 Some MESSED UP THINKING

17:19 Another "Intimacy" Jay was addicted to

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

Jay confesses something he’s never told anyone before: One way he lied to keep his addiction hidden. (Hint: it’s one thing some addicts do to keep their secrets.) He’s also asked if he thinks that tactic would have passed a polygraph. We also share a few techniques that might help in this situation. And stay until the end to see us in a real-life moment.

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro

0:31 What is one lying technique Jay used that he’s never told anyone about?

2:15 Would he have passed a lie detector test?

2:50 Some other addicts do this too (the difference between openness and honesty)

4:48 Solution: A way to (possibly) know if he’s lying this way*

5:39 Solution: One way to get to the truth*

7:13 Solution for addicts: A way to rebuild trust (BUT…)

10:40 When Jay would use this lying technique

13:34 Business trips used to scare Lori, and two things that changed that sinking feeling

14:50 The lighter side of us (BTS)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this episode, I ask Jay if he will answer some difficult question this season—questions like:

--What are some tactics he used to get away with lying for so long?

--How did he pretend to change--without really changing?

--Was there a time he almost told the truth, but continued lying instead?

--What emotions was he avoiding?

--How did he feel when his accountability partners let him off the hook?

--What is one thing he wants betrayed women to know?

--Could he tell his heart was hardening?

But the big question is: Will he reveal his secrets? (You can even leave your own questions in the comments if you’d like.)

Timestamps:

00:00 Intro

01:24 Some hard questions for Jay

04:40 Will Jay share his secrets this season?

05:43 Your comments / questions

06:51 This season may be different (behind the scenes)

07:24 A request & recent happenings

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#tellingthetruth

In this, our last episode of Season 5, we address six ways to help you find out if you’ve been given the full truth / signs he might still be lying. We also cover what pressure can do to some addicts.

(A big THANK YOU to everyone who submitted questions for this season. Thank you, especially, for allowing us to be a small part of your healing journey.)

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro and Viewer Question

1:05 It depends on what you’re looking for

2:21 General & ACTIVE self-deception

3:32 First: Ask for details/specifics

4:07 Second: Addicts, get curious about your own thoughts and actions

4:52 Third: Did he circle back

5:11 Forth: On staying concrete

6:49 Forth: LDTs (with some cautions and side notes)

9:26 An overall caution: this makes some addicts neurotic

10:21 Opening the door for more later ("I now know enough...")

11:44 Five: Ask what he suggests

13:39 Solution: If she can't trust you 100 percent*

14:15 Six: Things Jay learned that really helped

15:30 Something special before next season

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this episode of The Couple Cure, Jay tackles the question: 'How serious do I need to be about my recovery?' Using his own history and insights, he discusses the inevitable challenges and pushbacks you will face when you commit to a change, especially in the context of addiction or betrayal recovery. He emphasizes the importance of STARTING IMMEDIATELY, and understanding that obstacles will always be present. He also highlights the crucial role of certain life adjustments to stay on the path to recovery. Tune in to gain practical advice and encouragement for your own recovery journey.

00:00 Introduction & Question

00:06 Life always asks, "How serious are you?” (the first week of my diet)

01:22 The best time to quit is ALWAYS… and why

02:14 Solutions: Examples of being serious about it (for the betrayed spouse) *

03:55 The family life status quo (& other hurdles)

05:48 What needs to change?

06:29 More harm to your relationship / Expect hurdles

07:36 So how serious do you really need to be?

09:15 Solution: How to help her heal (a HUGE part of your recovery) *

10:26 If I am truly serious & final thoughts

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice