Coffee with The Couple Cure

Summary: Rebuilding Trust through Tangible Evidence of Change after Lies

In this episode, we respond to a wife’s question about the importance of seeing tangible evidence in her husband's growth process. We discuss the importance of PROACTIVE steps in behavior change, and share our own personal story after Jay had lied over 1000 times. The episode explores various ways to rebuild trust, like taking notes during counseling sessions and talking about that with the wife. It also includes several Biblical perspectives on the importance of bearing fruit as evidence of genuine repentance and change.

00:00 Intro & Question

00:35 Solution: A quick way to explain it to him*

01:07 How Jay explains it to clients / Solution: Different ways he rebuilt trust*

02:14 Marriage Counselor said, "If you had a crystal ball"

02:46 Evidence of true heart change (Saul to Paul)

03:25 On being like Thomas Edison

04:38 She will tell you... over time / Jay was too smart for his own good

05:34 Take Notes / How not doing so can impact wives

07:39 Solution: What to look for*

09:47 Why Counselors won't share his progress (& one option)

11:48 Bible says it's okay to want evidence (examples)

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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this episode, recorded on New Year's Eve, we discuss the importance of having a solid plan to ensure your new year is better than the last. We delve into specific steps for making effective New Year's resolutions and highlight the significance of focus and new behaviors in achieving different outcomes. The episode offers guidance for addicts and their partners on formulating plans that go beyond mere intentions, and include practical action steps for accountability and sustained change.

Timestamps

00:21 New Year, New You? (not without a different plan)

01:28 For the addict (look yourself in the eye)

02:01 Try a different January

02:49 Ask yourself these questions

03:31 If the answer is “No”

04:51 A FIRST STEP (a DIFFERENT starting point)*

05:23 The Critical SECOND STEP*

07:45 For the partner

08:10 The THIRD STEP

08:36 The FORTH STEP (Solution: times and tribes)*

10:25 Multi-plans

11:11 Solution: The CSI Investigation

13:23 Solution: Arrange to pay your enemy

14:20 If you still don’t reach your goals

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this episode, we explore how addicts truly change by focusing on the impact of experiencing true pain and loss. Divided into two parts—one for non-Christians and the other for Christians—we discuss the significance of giving up power, inspired by scripture, to become truly healed and dependent on God. With references to personal anecdotes, men’s magazines, 12-step programs, and the idea of renouncing 'boss' culture, the script emphasizes humility, acceptance of weakness, and the power of community support in the journey of recovery. The transformation journey includes practical examples and scripture, highlighting the importance of growth and moving beyond survival mechanisms to achieve true healing and integration into healthy, supportive communities.

00:00 Intro

00:43 The first way addicts change

01:21 Something else that can help

01:36 Majestic splendor

03:11 The power-over dynamic (helpless? dependent?)

04:34 What it might look like

04:59 Be the boss?

06:24 Solution regarding addictive thinking (what it looks like in practical terms)

07:47 Why the power-over dynamic might come up

08:55 Outgrowing it

09:46 Objections (but who is stronger?)

11:22 Solution: You’re on land now (returning from the war)

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

***Trigger Warning for Alcoholics in Recovery***

In this episode, Jay addresses a common question addicts may have, along the lines of, “Will I have to pay for this forever?” He answers with the truth: After trust is broken by betrayal, it depends on how well the addict owns his part in her pain… and tries to aid in her recovery.

0:00 Introduction

0:21 Other forms of this question and initial answer

0:46 She doesn’t limp (a real life example)

2:00 Jay’s words to wives

3:01 Solutions for addicts* (Note: we don’t condone hitting)

4:56 Add something to your program (the quickest way)*

6:14 Another word picture (The ICU)

7:19 Things she might say to you (any indication you’re not safe)

8:46 Why birthdays and anniversaries may be hard for her

9:40 Can she forget this? Can she move forward?

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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#marriagerecovery

In this episode, we address a difficult question from a viewer about a lack of physical touch in her marriage, even while undergoing chemotherapy. We delve into the possible reasons behind her husband's behavior, including possible emotional retaliation or unresolved trauma. There is also compassionate advice on how to explore personal needs and desires, and questions to ask as you seek the right guidance to make informed decisions about the future, while we also emphasiz the importance of understanding misinterpretations, and the critical nature of aligning actions, personal values and God’s guidance.

00:00 Introduction and Question

00:34 Ouch! (making you pay)

02:20 When he needs a licensed therapist

03:12 Solution: If you DID hurt him… but (one big caveat)*

04:28 Real life examples

05:57 When his bad side comes out (one extreme example)

07:01 Solution: How to decide your next step*

09:06 Look at what he IS doing

09:46 Solution: What is God saying (and if your gut instinct isn’t in alignment)*

11:39 This might be a workable situation (unless he makes you pay elsewhere too)

13:02 He doesn’t know how to take ownership

14:03 Solution: The REAL problem of misunderstandings

15:36 Conclusion and Wrap-Up

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https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

If you have ever been called a Drama Queen, this episode may help heal the sting of that label. But first, Jay and Lori tackle the issue of being flooded with bad memories right as you get close to forgiving him—even if your relationship has healed the broken trust.

TIMESTAMPS

0:00 Intro & Question

0:52 Forgiving unrepentance?

1:41 Guys, if someone is against you…

2:35 Solution: Do these things proactively

3:25 Staying near him?

4:18 Intrusive Thoughts

5:05 Like-minded women

6:05 “But she has to forgive me” (A Solution)

6:58 Why intrusive thoughts remain (a question to ask)

7:58 Unsure of your response?

8:32 Is he sure he can stay sober? (his childhood)

9:53 When peace can trigger us

11:49 The “Drama Queen” label

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

***Trigger Warning: Given the sensitive nature of this topic, please proceed cautiously.***

Jay and Lori tackle the struggle of not feeling physically desired by the husband. They explore the intricate dynamics of femininity, desire, and physical appearance within a marriage. The discussion delves into misconceptions about desire versus lust. Lori shares her personal journey of reclaiming her own femininity, and how it started with unlikely sources. The episode also addresses the risks of a guy who only stays on the surface, encouraging listeners to cultivate confidence, while building a relationship where desire is communicated.

Timestamps

00:00 Introduction, (deeply vulnerable) question & the 3 issues we’ll address

01:11 Addicts are surprisingly prudish (one solution)*

04:00 Traditionally gorgeous women are cheated on (his looks)

05:42 Society confuses desire all the time (the part in us screaming to be desired)

08:08 Solution: Femininity and how I reclaimed mine*

09:16 What my Counselor said about arm-candy

10:39 Healing on our Saturday Dates (with other men?)*

13:14 It’s usually about “novelty” (… or his maturity)

15:26 Appealing to THAT side of men

16:20 Changing the conversation where desire = lust (solution: what helped Jay)

17:11 Becoming addicted to your wife

18:00 Generalized vs Specialized Sexuality (fetishes vs “I really like her!”)*

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

Description

In this short video, we discuss the issue of anger and withdrawal/retraction, and we’ll cover what it looks like as the addicts we work with recover and learn new skills. At the end, we’ll also give *one of the signs that the recovery is real* for you to look for.

Timestamps

0:00 Intro and Question

0:22 They are two different issues (the bigger monster)

1:31 Anger is one of the first to come back (reconnecting AND a "cover")

2:24 Going beyond "I'm 90 days clean"

3:11 Withdrawing / Retracting (new skills for addicts)

3:27 Two steps forward, five steps back. Then it's...

3:43 *Solution: One thing to look for

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#mentalhealth

#addictiontreatment

In this episode, we discuss why you might feel the need to bring up past betrayals even years later. We explore what it means if you can’t stop talking about it. Plus, we offer advice for the guys on how to have these difficult conversations, and give you alternative options if your partner doesn’t want to talk about it.

00:00 Introduction

00:16 It’s a sign

03:23 When guys say, “But you forgave me!” (absolution)

04:22 When to stop talking about it? (90% trust)

05:18 Yes, keep talking, but… (one caveat)

06:23 Solutions: Three options if he won’t talk about it***

07:32 Friends/Family (Solution: how to find out if they’re safe)***

09:09 Guys: an option to BOLDLY face it all

09:57 “I don’t want to talk about this right now… (or any more)”

10:34 Regarding bringing it up to your husband (deathbed listening)

12:26 One thing to keep in mind (short phrases, repeated back)

13:07 Options for Guys (the car wreck)***

15:29 Your Nobility (1 in 8 Billion)

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

(*Trigger Warning for the Final Section*)

This heartfelt and candid video delves into a sensitive topic that some women struggle with: “Why do some husbands choose recovery while others do not. Is that about the wife… is that about me?”

Prompted by a deeply vulnerable question from my client, MB, I explore various factors that might influence a man's decision to commit to recovery—coping mechanisms, risk and vulnerability, as well as the impact of past trauma—in an effort to help you put a few nagging, painful questions to rest.

(But please note there is a ***Trigger Warning for the concluding segment*** which discusses sensitive topics like appearance.) Join me as we navigate these complex emotions and questions together.

Timestamps

00:00 Introduction and Question

01:27 Trigger Warning (and where she was coming from)

02:41 Addressing: What's Wrong with Me?

03:06 If counselors had to guess between me and her

04:06 Even if the wife was a ‘true monster’

05:05 Coping mechanisms (“I’m the kind of guy who…”)

05:47 Real relationship might feel too vulnerable to him

07:32 Accolades are enough?

07:55 “It seems so easy!” (and the issue of The Void)

10:17 Understanding men's desires

12:14 “The steps aren’t hard” and that’s the unfortunate thing

14:03 Being known as a guy who…

14:28 Trigger Warning: The Looks Piece (it’s about him)

--

https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/ - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice