Coffee with The Couple Cure

What should you do if the addict keeps relapsing/betraying you–especially if your friends keep telling you to leave? Should you divorce? Should you stay? Can life get any better if he keeps relapsing and lying? We talk about this, while giving you 3 things to try.

0:00 Intro

0:07 Question: My friends say I should leave my husband because he keeps relapsing–what do you think?

0:26 Lori’s thoughts (what she told one friend)

0:48 You can stay and have a really good life

1:01 Solution 1: God / Viewing the relationship differently

2:50 Narcotics Anonymous says it this way

3:34 Relapse is not inevitable if…

3:54 Solution 2: What makes recovery easier

4:23 Solution 3: “Give back” to your wife versus to a group (and why)

4:58 What Jay used to say about his relationship with God

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In our work, we have seen some husband’s who have lied about their wives to the helping community–lying to pastors, counselors, family and friends–about her. Or the husband will diagnose her with a mental disorder of some sort. We address that topic, as well as what a partner can do, in this situation.

0:00 Intro & Question

0:34 When the husband thinks, “My apology should be enough!”

0:50 One early professional opinion

1:13 Solution for partners (and what the addict can do)

2:16 The main goal of his helping community

2:47 A probable truth about your husband

3:07 Solution: One thing you can say to your husband

3:43 Solution: Another thing you can say

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

There are many things I wish I had known right after D-Day… things that would have helped me recover more quickly. In this video, I cover several of them, and Jay gives extra input from the addict-who’s-found-sobriety point of view. (Please note: We do not condone hitting your spouse. If this is happening, please reach out to your local shelters/authorities.)

Timestamps:

0:00 Intro

0:23 Coming down hard on yourself regarding boundaries

0:55 I’m in!!! I’m out!!! (what many guys do with this and one Solution)

2:46 Solution: How to find safe people & safe counselors

5:05 One way to keep from being blinded: Change your job description (Guys, nurse her back to health)

8:16 Solution to “falling for lines”

9:53 One clear sign Jay was taking his addiction recovery seriously

10:22 Solution to “You’re being too sensitive!”

11:16 Getting back at him / betraying yourself

12:58 Some addicts think, “It’s a license to keep acting out”

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this video, we discuss a difficult topic, so if you’re not up for that right now, feel free to come back later. But it’s happened often enough over the last several years we thought we would cover it. And that hard reality is this: marriages in this particular helping community have been ending, or there’s been hidden relapse. It’s a serious topic, but we strive to give you some hope.

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Timestamps:

0:00 Intro

0:10 How this season will go

1:41 Marriages in this field are ending (relapsing)

2:17 Jay’s sobriety/our update (how to help)

5:15 If that happened to us (recovery is more than the addiction)

7:46 Regarding those relationships that have ended

8:33 Our marriage therapists divorced

9:24 Solution: avoiding complacency

10:21 Solution: a critical step (healthy community)

10:55 How we strive to help

11:45 Lori’s answer to: It must be so romantic

12:33 What we hope to give you this season (have questions?)

https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

What caused Jay to take all of this more seriously (even if he felt attacked)? And what would cause Matt to say, “This is stupid!” We cover both of those here, in this LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:19 Did Jay feel like doing those things when he felt unfairly attacked? *

2:59 One Solution: Giving guidance vs “This is stupid” *

4:11 Jay took it more seriously because he knew this…

4:52 One Solution: How we phrase it instead

5:38 Steps Jay and Lori took

6:35 One Solution: Shared experiences can be risky (so wives consider trying…)

8:07 For the betrayed/traumatized regarding the “Right” way to do this *

8:26 What we tell couples

10:03 Where to subscribe for next season

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal #trauma #relationships #rebuildtrust #marriageadvice

Transitioning from dating to marriage has its challenges, even without addictions. But healing a relationship after betrayal is even more challenging. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier–without resenting your spouse–especially if you’re trying to rebuild trust.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:11 It doesn’t take much

1:06 What some guys resent

1:46 The counselor told Jay, “You can’t crank her up like a machine and expect…”

2:14 What Matt thought marriage would be like (dating) *

2:50 One Solution: If he had continued dating his wife

3:40 Being intentional about continuing to date each other *

4:00 How a “perceived lack of finances” can impact relationships

4:56 Solutions to a lack of finances while rebuilding trust *

7:02 $7 cheese and other trees

9:09 In the next episode: How to rebuild trust when you feel attacked

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

Rebuilding trust takes more than honest answers to the questions you are asked. You have to share what is going on for you without being prompted. This is huge in rebuilding trust after betrayal.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:12 Not lying but not sharing (this) either *

2:37 One Solution: Share thoughts & feelings for connection

3:41 One Solution: Openness vs honesty to rebuild trust *

5:36 Matt’s lightbulb moment: “It meant we weren’t freaks”

7:36 Blind spots may be why good men harm relationships *

8:14 One Solution: One of the best things Lori did for Jay’s blind spots (***NOTE: Lori only did this after she knew Jay wouldn’t use the information against her***)

10:44 In the next episode: One thing some guys resent

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

Connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make plans and create opportunities to connect. This episode shows specific ways to do this that may work better for both partners.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:24 Because it was majestic or because it was shared?

1:29 One Solution: Face-to-face and Shoulder-to-shoulder *

4:03 From intense talks every night to resting *

6:27 The ‘majestic or shared’ question answered

8:05 One Solution: Porn use parallels the desire for human connection

8:42 In the next episode: One thing many guys hide

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#brokentrust

This video covers some brain science behind video games. We also discuss how Jay replaced his entertainment addiction with a bigger life so he could finally feel satisfied.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:21 The brain science? (It simulates success) *

1:46 Distraction due to trauma? (What many addicts do)

4:01 Lori to Jay: “You can’t sit still”

4:32 How to create something healthier

5:07 The doctor said, “Video games WILL affect his mood”

5:38 One Solution: How Jay replaced it with a bigger life *

8:28 It’s not as bright, but it is more valuable

8:47 Solution: Measuring the difference (Entertainment vs whales & trees)

10:58 Satisfaction compared to video games *

11:20 In the next episode: 2 ways to connect after broken trust

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

This episode covers video games and hobbies, and how being distracted by learning things can harm trust restoration. We also discuss how entertainment actually helped our relationship.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:11 How video games affected our marriage

1:42 I couldn’t entertain him

2:55 One Solution: Watch out for dissociation *

5:45 Distracted by learning (but not applying)

7:37 Solutions: Some refreshing time is needed (when distractions help) *

8:53 How Jay helped Lori with video games, etc

10:10 In the next episode: Entertainment vs True Satisfaction

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice