Coffee with The Couple Cure

In this video we discuss two addictions we haven’t covered before, as well as 2 different kinds of values. WE also discuss the issue of faking vulnerability.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:15 Video games and hobbies (where we invest our time in relationships)

0:39 Stated Values vs Lived Values (“not demonizing those activities”) *

2:51 This can lead to even more broken trust

3:44 Stated values may be about our image

4:21 One Solution: Stated values is the goal vs. Craving the approval of others *

5;43 One Solution: How to name emotions

8:23 One Solution: One thing that would do wonders for relationships *

9:18 One Solution: A place guys can learn vulnerability, not faking it

11:12 Why Matt would “Say it all” now? Practice

11:40 “Thank goodness someone finally said it” vs “Not willing to go there”

12:47 In the next episode: Can video games actually help after broken trust?

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

How do you know if you should stay or go? And what would cause Lori to say, “I am more important than ___”? We discuss those topics with author and coach, Matthew Fray, as well as what if he never gets it?

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:15 What Matt would have told Jay and Lori to do back then

1:24 One Solution: Where to draw the line between staying or going? *

4:22 One Solution: Support network (and being validated) *

5:54 The guy may eventually ‘get it,’ but if not…

7:24 Not advocating for divorce, but health *

8:28 "I am more important than my marriage"

9:44 In the next episode: 2 Values / 2 Other Addictions

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:15 If he (or she) doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore… *

3:07 When guys don’t want to change (instead adding lies)

4:55 What if he’s not 'all in' *

8:39 "I had to start trusting that he would hurt me"

10:11 One Solution: A different way to "have more faith in people"

10:56 In the next episode: Should you stay or go?

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:18 Betrayal trauma & how it is the dividing line

2:08 One Solution: How to not be a mistreater/abuser *

3:20 The hard word: Abuse (...and ADHD)

5:04 One Solution: A way to talk about abuse *

7:36 One Solution: The challenge with validating in this area

9:39 The impact of habitual porn use on empathy

11:23 Toxic, clueless or teachable?

12:40 In the next episode: What if he’s not all in?

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#abuse

#mistreatment

#validation

#empathy

Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?”

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:14 Are safety & trust the same?

0:47 Maslow's Hierarchy & trust

1:53 One Solution: If people prioritize safety & trust AND……

2:47 Lori & Jay's take on safety & trust

5:17 "But I'm not trying to hurt her" (why men may be defensive about safety & trust)

7:45 What if the guy never changes? *

8:42 Solutions: What does safety look like (practically) when she can't trust him *

11:37 "If I (did this) I could take care of myself financially"

12:46 In the next episode: Mistreatment or even abuse, and what guys can do instead

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In the continued conversation with Matt Fray, we cover a few different kinds of guys, including guys who get defensive, guys who fix, guys who ‘don’t get it,’ and guys who are teachable. We also discuss why Lori would say, “That’s not how relationships work,” and why Matt would say, “Can you just care?”

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:17 When he feels defensive, it helps to remember… / Secure Attachment

1:39 One Solution: Instead of "fixing it," try this...

3:46 Good people can be bad spouses (“Can you just care?”) *

5:54 “He may mean well, but he just doesn't get it”

6:36 One Solution: The word that may bring out the protector in guys

7:05 Learning & teachability (“That's not how relationships work”) *

8:43 “But porn is okay!”

9:43 In the next episode: “What if he never changes?”

--

https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

How does validation heal broken trust… especially if he constantly chooses himself over her? And how can he conquer the monsters betrayal usually brings? We discuss these with Matt Fray in this video, as well as how just agreeing on the surface can harm relationships.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:17 How agreeing (on the surface) can make things worse *

2:10 Not living in integrity

2:51 One Solution: Validation can always work *

3:36 "100% of the time: if Matt doesn't agree, he chooses himself over me"

6:14 Past events + current events suggest it will continue *

7:42 "I didn't try to hurt you, so stop attacking me"

8:54 One Solution: We invalidate just to have an interesting conversation (try this instead)

9:46 How to be the "Monster-Conquering Hero"

10:55 In the next episode: Defensiveness & what can be done instead

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matthew Fray's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#trust

#validation

#safety

#relationships

This video covers 3 places guys get stuck in broken trust, how he can connect with her pain after broken trust, and what to know if a guy is saying, “Aren’t you over that yet?”.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro / Boys don't cry?

0:40 One Solution: How guys can connect with her pain *

3:27 "Aren't you over that yet?" (Therapists said it will take this long) *

5:52 Guys say, "But I don't agree with her." (agreeing vs validating)

8:12 3 places guys can get stuck *

9:15 "If he doesn't agree with me, he abandons me"

11:16 The person I want to be

11:54 One Solution: An important mindset to have *

15:08 In the next episode: “... why does she keep attacking me?”

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#validation

#trust

#safety

#relationships

Disagreements can lead to 3 types of invalidation, as well as 1 unique way invalidation erodes trust–especially when she feels he doesn’t understand her pain. We discuss this with Matt Fray, as well as a couple things the guy can do instead.

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:14 Our male clients have a lot of trouble with this

1:05 One Solution: How Matt explains it to male clients *

1:51 How disagreements lead to invalidation

2:41 3 ways we habitually invalidate (the triple threat) *

6:27 Another thing that erodes trust (he’ll do it again) *

7:55 How Jay created greater breakdown with Lori

9:01 One Solution: Pain is part of the healing process? Instead try this…

10:54 In the next episode: “Isn’t she over this yet?”

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#trust

#relationships

#invalidation

#pain

Why is validation one quick way to heal trust? Because without it she will have a difficult time healing within the relationship. This video covers that concept, as well as why sexual affairs may be easier than emotional affairs. (Jay and I also talk about the guys we have a difficult time helping.)

TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section)

0:00 Intro

0:13 Validation, Restoring Trust & Self-Awareness

2:24 Usually this doesn’t work early on

2:56 Treatment Induced Trauma

3:32 One Solution: She can't heal within the relationship unless… *

4:51 It's a brain thing

5:31 Why sexual affairs may be “easier”

7:02 Guys we have a difficult time helping

8:58 A favorite tool of addicts and chronic mistreaters *

10:46 In the next episode: 3 ways guys invalidate pain

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https://thecouplecure.com - Jay and Lori's website

https://matthewfray.com - Matt's website

https://pornpainhealed.com - Lori's site for betrayed partners

https://porniskillingme.com - Jay's site for porn addiction recovery

#validation

#trust

#affairs

#marriageadvice