Come Here To Me: Relationship Experts Walk the Talk

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In "The Truth About Codependency", Figs explains how to actually help couples in a codependent relationship—starting with critiquing the term.

To do so, Figs explores 3 possible uses for "codependency":

1. Couples featuring a partner "Dependent" on substances (alcoholism, addiction) and their "Co-dependent" partner
2. "Overly attached" couples high in conflict who think they "Just need to learn to be independent"
3. Couples featuring a partner with trauma around having needs being unacceptable

In every single case, you first must normalize, normalize, normalize.

When the term "Codependent" was created to describe loved ones of addicted individuals and their behavior, they were missing an ingredient essential for understanding human behavior: Attachment Theory.

From day one, human beings need to be emotionally bonded to survive.

Everything supposed "codependent" individuals do and feel in relation to their adult primary attachment figure makes absolute sense in this context. This isn't something to be fixed.

In cases featuring substance abuse, each partner's actions make sense, but they will not be able to proceed to the next step until the addicted partner(s) can be fully there for the other.

After couples understand their relationship system, that there's nothing wrong with either of them, and that their behaviors are actually born out of a need for each other's love, one partner is able to ask for their needs to be met.

This is where, as Figs describes it, a "threshold moment" occurs. Either they ask for their needs to be met, their partner is able to do so, and they experience profound emotional healing, or they see their partner isn't able to be there for them and get to say, "No."

The final step is to integrate what has happened—remembering there's nothing wrong with you, and asking for your needs to be met from a place of vulnerability and connection is more rewarding than placating or hiding.

You now have the ability to do this process, repair conflicts and heal wounds from the past, over and over again for the rest of your life.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.

In "How to Fix a Toxic Relationship," Figs breaks down what a toxic relationship is (and isn't) and the steps necessary to repair it.

For the purposes of this conversation, a toxic relationship is one in which the couple is spending days, weeks, months—a significant amount of time—in "disconnection" without meaningful repair.

This can include individual negative cycles (conflicts) that persist or escalate dramatically, and/or it can mean the couple is spending very little time in connection over a longer period of time.

Most importantly, couples in a toxic relationship are not having meaningful repair—a multi-dimensional empathetic experience wherein they're able to be there for each other lovingly, feel their individual pain, and feel empathy for both of them together.

So, in order to fix a toxic relationship, Figs leads couples through three stages:

Stage 1: Break down the negative cycle and help both partners recognize the tragedy they are both engaged in together, cognitively and emotionally. This is the most difficult step in the process.

Stage 2: Go deeply into one partner's pain, organize it, have them feel it fully, and ask for their needs to be met—then, their partner shows up for them. Do this in both directions.

Stage 3: Help the couple integrate what they accomplished. They are not "toxic" or broken, and they can repeat this process of repair for the rest of their lives.

Please note that if you are experiencing domestic abuse, it is not currently possible for you to safely attempt to navigate these stages. Reach out for help online at https://www.thehotline.org or by phone at 1-800-799-7233.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.