Don't push. Just use the weight of your own body.

My teacher Ajahn Amaro did these four little tiny books on the Brahma-viharas; loving kindness, compassion, appreciation and equanimity.

It starts with this wise advice in a letter from a massage/bodywork teacher after he died.

“Don't push. Just use the weight of your own body. Don't diagnose. Just be aware. Don't try to help, but also don't turn away. Just be with the person. That's all you have to do.”

So Amaro took those four or five suggestions and wrote this book about compassion.

Reflecting for a moment on this part, “don't try to help but don't turn away”.

How often are you trying to help? Trying to fix? Trying to change and thinking that it's compassion? “I'm going to help you endure suffering.” And even that sort of like reactive thing so many of us do, ”Don't cry. Don't feel your feelings. You're making me really uncomfortable being uncomfortable. Do you need a tissue? Do you need a hug? Is there something I can do to make you stop feeling the way you’re feeling?”

And I know sometimes it's empathy, and it's just like, “I want to be here with you and I'm offering you a tissue and it's totally compassionate.” But if we look at our intentions,  sometimes we’re trying to help someone not feel what they're feeling rather than be with it.

So not trying to fix, but also don't turn away.

Amaro says, “compassion in action means working with the painful conditions in ourselves and others and seeing how they mingle.” When you're with someone who's suffering, what's it like for you? How much do you take it on? How uncomfortable is it? 

I know for me it can be uncomfortable. It's hard to tolerate other people’s pain. It makes you want to fix it.