Confidence Matters

This post kicks off our June theme: self-trust. Learning to feel safe in your own decisions, feelings, and voice. It seems a natural follow-on to May’s theme of negative self-talk.

If you are looking to trust yourself more than you do, then I invite you to subscribe and maybe consider joining our Confidence Circle, where we explore confidence issues in depth.

One of the quietest effects of low confidence is self-distrust.

It’s a downward spiral: the more you distrust yourself, the lower your self-confidence drops.

When I was younger, social anxiety crippled me. I hated the thought of having to make conversation with people I didn’t know. Even talking to work colleagues was difficult outside the office.

Initially, I used alcohol as my crutch. It gave me the confidence to speak, or at least made me feel confident. Shortly after my first marriage ended, I was out with work colleagues and had quite a bit too much. I ended up falling and hitting my head. Four stitches and a concussion frightened me enough to decide to drastically curb my drinking.

That, of course, meant my crutch was gone. That’s when the social anxiety really hit me. The belief that I wasn’t interesting, which has haunted me for most of my life, kept me from trusting myself to speak.

I didn’t realise how disconnected I was from my own voice.

Self-distrust is often learned

Humans crave connection. Our ancestors formed groups to stay safe. That need for connection is built into our system.

So why do we stop trusting ourselves?

The answer lies in our experiences, particularly in childhood. We learned to distrust through:

* Being criticised and humiliated.

* Feeling emotionally unsafe.

* Being in a controlling relationship.

* Feeling we would be punished or rejected if we made any mistake.

* Constantly being told we were ‘too sensitive.’

* Staying quiet so as not to cause a confrontation.

When we live in an environment where love is conditional on behaving in the ‘right’ way, we start to lose trust in ourselves to do the right thing. We learn to be hyper-aware of others in order to ensure we behave in the ‘right’ way.

I can relate to and attach a story to each of these points. They didn’t just result in social anxiety; there was also people-pleasing, overthinking, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and difficulty making my own decisions.

Then there were also the abusive relationships and self-sabotage I put myself through.

No wonder I didn’t trust myself, I was rubbish at life.

Learning to trust myself

When you stop trusting yourself, life starts to feel unstable because you no longer feel emotionally safe in your own mind.

You feel the need to stay small, as you worry about getting things wrong.

Last month, I wrote about negative self-talk and the importance of becoming aware of your thoughts. Awareness is important, but it is only the beginning.

Over time, I learned that rebuilding self-trust was not about becoming fearless or never doubting myself again. It was about staying connected to myself when doubt arose.

It was about listening to my feelings rather than dismissing them.

It was about making small decisions without constantly asking other people what they thought.

It was about speaking even when my voice shook.

Most of all, it was about learning that I could make mistakes without abandoning myself in the process.

Self-trust is not built on perfection. It grows each time you keep a promise to yourself, honour a boundary, speak honestly, or take a small step despite uncertainty.

Today, I no longer need alcohol to feel comfortable in a room full of strangers. I no longer believe every conversation is a test I might fail.

There are still moments when I feel nervous or unsure. The difference is that I trust myself to handle them.

That is what self-trust really is.

Not certainty.

Not fearlessness.

Just the quiet confidence that whatever happens, you will stay on your own side.

This month, we will explore what it means to rebuild that relationship with yourself, one small step at a time.

Something to reflect on this week

* In which areas of your life do you trust yourself most? Where do you trust yourself least?

* When do you find yourself seeking reassurance or approval from others before making a decision?

* Can you recall any experiences that taught you to doubt your own thoughts, feelings, or instincts?

* If you trusted yourself a little more, what might you do differently?

Self-trust grows when you begin to treat your own voice as something worth listening to.

If you have any questions or need help, let me know.I am here for you.Much loveSue xx

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the final post of the series.If you missed the previous three, you can find them here:

Week 1 - The Voice in Your Head Isn’t Who You Think It IsWeek 2- You have Changed Your Thoughts, So Why Are You Still Thinking Them?Week 3 - You Don’t Have to Believe Every Thought You Hear

For a long time, I believed the voice in my head was simply who I was.

I listened when it told me to hold back because I wasn’t clever enough.

When it told me not to speak up because no one wanted to hear what I had to say.

When it told me I wasn’t interesting.

Even when it told me that no one liked me.

I believed all of it. I mean, that was me, right?

All my negative self-talk pointed to one ‘truth’: I wasn’t good enough and would therefore fail at everything.

I now understand that what I was listening to was years of conditioning, fear, emotional memory, and self-protection. The thoughts felt true because they were familiar.

Over time, they stopped feeling like thoughts.

They became my identity.

No wonder I struggled with low self-esteem and social anxiety for so many years.

The trap of identification

When you hear something often enough, especially in emotional moments, it becomes easy to believe it’s true.

* “I’m not clever enough.”

* “I’m not interesting.”

* “I’m shy and awkward.”

* “I always get things wrong.”

* “I don’t have confidence.”

Underneath all of these thoughts, one deeper belief often sits:

I am not good enough.

Looking back now, I can see that these thoughts were never the truth. They were patterns my mind had learned over many years.

Patterns shaped by criticism, embarrassment, fear, rejection, comparison, and emotional pain. The voice developed in response to those experiences.

Many people live this way without even realising it. Because the voice sounds like their own, they never pause to question whether it might actually be untrue.

The thoughts feel familiar, and that is the trap. Because you begin building an identity around them.

You start to believe that you are not clever or interesting, and you do always get things wrong. Then, you shrink and keep quiet. You believe deep down that you are not good enough. This is the trap of the limiting beliefs. The ones that will hold you back.

Not necessarily because the thoughts are true, but because they feel true.

One of the most important shifts in my own confidence journey happened when I began noticing the difference between:

“I am this thought.”

and

“I am experiencing this thought.”

That small change created space.

The shift that changes everything

The moment you realise the voice is something you experience rather than who you are, your relationship with yourself begins to change.

You stop automatically treating every thought as an instruction and assuming the fear is fact. Now you begin to observe the voice rather than immediately obeying it.

That does not mean the thoughts disappear overnight. The truth is, they are probably always going to be there. The difference is that you now understand them.

Now, when you get thoughts like:

“You’ll probably fail.”“You’re not good enough.”“People will judge you.”

You can pause, notice the thought and try to understand what they may really be expressing underneath the fear. Now you can respond differently.

You reassure yourself that everything is okay. You remind yourself that you are now responsible for your life. You know that things will not always go perfectly, and that is part of being human.

Over time, this awareness changes your relationship with yourself. You become less fearful of your thoughts and less controlled by old conditioning and stories.

Slowly, you begin to reconnect with parts of yourself that have existed beneath the fear all along.

This is where confidence grows.

* Not through perfection.

* Not through pretending.

* Not through silencing every difficult thought.

Confidence grows through awareness, compassion, and self-trust.

The theme of negative self-talk

This month has not been about getting rid of the voice in your head.

The aim has been to become aware of it, understand it, and then create space from it.

My hope is that you now realise the voice is something you experience, not who you are. You are much more than the thoughts you hear in difficult moments.

This is where confidence mastery begins.

Something to reflect on this week

* What thoughts have you mistaken for identity?

* What changes when you see thoughts as patterns rather than truth?

* What parts of yourself may exist underneath fear or self-criticism?

* Who are you becoming as you learn to relate to yourself differently?

Thank you for exploring this theme with me throughout the month.

On Monday, 1 June at 6 pm UK time (BST), I will bring these ideas together in a solo live exploration of how awareness and self-trust can begin to create a different relationship with the voice within.

Looking forward to June, I ask, “Once you stop automatically believing every fearful thought, what do you choose to trust instead?”

The answer will be our theme for June. We will explore what happens when you stop constantly looking outside yourself for certainty and begin to learn to trust your own inner voice again.

Much loveSue xx

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the third of four posts.If you missed the previous two, you can find them here:

Week 1 - The Voice in Your Head Isn’t Who You Think It IsWeek 2- You have Changed Your Thoughts, So Why Are You Still Thinking Them?

Let me give you an example of my negative self-talk.

I’m planning to host a solo live based on negative self-talk and how to manage it. I love teaching and hosting live sessions, so this genuinely excites me.

Despite looking forward to it, the voice appeared yesterday.

“A week before your holiday? Are you kidding?”“Haven’t you got enough to do before you go?”“This is too much pressure. You’ll have to postpone it.”

Then, just to put the boot in:

“Besides, no one will come anyway.”

For a moment, I felt the familiar pull to believe those thoughts. I felt resistance to doing something that might fail, or at least feel embarrassing if I stumbled over my words or if nobody showed up.

Not long ago, I would have accepted those thoughts without question. I would have assumed the voice was simply telling me the truth.

Maybe I am too busy. Do I need to rush?I don’t want to feel overwhelmed.Perhaps I should postpone.

And honestly, the idea of postponing it did pull me in for a moment.

Then I remembered:

I can do this.

This is what feels different now.

I still sometimes hear thoughts like these, but I no longer automatically follow them.

That brief pause has changed my life more than I ever expected.

Confidence is not total positivity

For a long time, I believed that confidence meant reaching a point where negative thoughts disappeared entirely.

No self-doubt.No overthinking.No inner criticism.

But real confidence does not work that way. Confidence is not the absence of negative thoughts. It is learning that you do not have to obey them.

That realisation changed something for me.

Because once you begin noticing the voice rather than immediately believing it, another possibility opens up:

Choice

You can choose to respond differently.

A simple framework that has helped me is this:

NOTICE → ADJUST → BELIEVE

This is a practice of staying present without automatically engaging with the thought.

Your mind does not naturally want to stay in the present moment. It wants to focus on what has happened before and what might go wrong next.

To the brain, constantly scanning for danger feels like safety.

We can learn to control this, but change doesn’t happen overnight.

Notice

The first step is becoming aware of the thought.

What am I saying to myself right now?

Sometimes the voice is loud and obvious, and sometimes quite subtle:

“This is going to go wrong.”“They don’t really care about this”“You’re not capable enough to succeed.”

The important thing is not to judge yourself for the thought, just notice it.

Awareness creates space.

Adjust

This is where many people try to force positivity. The old “just think happy thoughts” approach.

But responding differently does not mean pretending everything is wonderful or convincing yourself that you never struggle.

It simply means asking:

“Is there another way I could respond to this?”

The adjustment can be very small.

Instead of:

“I always mess things up.”

It becomes:

“This feels difficult, but I am learning.”

Instead of:

“No one wants to hear from me.”

It becomes:

“Not everyone will connect with what I say, and that is okay.”

It doesn’t need to be perfect; perfection is not the goal. The goal is a fairer, kinder, and more grounded response.

Believe

Over time, the thoughts you practise repeatedly begin to shape how you feel about yourself.

This is why awareness alone is not always enough.

You also need repetition.

Not forced affirmations that feel impossible to believe, but small, supportive thoughts that gradually create a different internal experience. These form new neural pathways in your brain.

I often give my clients a field analogy. Imagine there is a shortcut into town by walking across a field. Everyone walks in a straight line from one gate to the gate directly opposite. Over time, a clear pathway forms where the grass has been worn down.

If the farmer wants to allow that pathway to recover, he might move the gates a few feet to the left or right. Now people are starting to walk a new path. Over time, a new pathway is formed. That new path is the new belief.

Like the new path, these new thoughts may feel unfamiliar.

“I can handle discomfort.”“I am allowed to take up space.”“I do not need to be perfect to be worthy.”

For years, your brain learned certain pathways through repetition, fear, and emotional protection.

Now you are slowly teaching it something different.

And that takes patience and practise.

Why this matters

Every time you respond with awareness rather than automatic criticism, you begin to build a different relationship with yourself.

One based less on fear and more on self-trust.

There will still be moments when the old voice feels convincing. But over time, something important begins to change.

You stop seeing every thought as truth and treating every fear as instruction.

Little by little, you begin to become a safer place for yourself to land.

Something to reflect on this week

* What thoughts do you automatically believe most quickly?

* What would a gentler response sound like?

* What feels difficult about responding differently?

* What small shift could you begin practising this week?

The live I mentioned at the beginning will be on Monday, 1 June. We’ll be exploring self-talk more deeply, including how to begin changing your internal responses to build genuine self-trust.

Much loveSue xx

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.

I was honoured to be a guest on Betsy’s very first live. We spoke about our different roles and how we came into coaching.

A very light and fun conversation.

Thank you to everyone who joined us. We appreciate you!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

The story of a young 16-year-old with psychosis who healed himself, became a monk, and now teaches wellness and meditation.

At the beginning of his journey after returning to lay life, Promise said something that stuck with me. ‘This has to work, Sue, there is no Plan B.’

I caught up with Promise to see how he was getting on.

Thank you to everyone who joined us live. We appreciate you.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the second of four posts.If you missed last week’s, you can read or listen to it here: The Voice in Your Head Isn’t Who You Think It Is

That voice in your head is here to stay.

No matter how much confidence you build, you may still hear your inner critic from time to time.

One thing I have realised over the years is that building confidence does not automatically erase old conditioning. Even now, when something goes wrong, I still occasionally hear that voice.

If I make a mistake, forget something important, or misunderstand something, the old belief can appear almost instantly:

“You’re so stupid.”

The difference now is that I notice it.

Not so long ago, I would have accepted that thought as truth without question. I would have carried it for hours, sometimes days, letting it shape how I felt about myself.

Now, I recognise it as an old pattern, a familiar response my mind learned long ago.

I also notice something else. When someone says something kind about me, compliments my work, or tells me I have helped them in some way, a small part of me still quietly questions it.

Really?Why would they say that?Do they truly mean it?

That response used to puzzle me, especially as my confidence grew and my life began to change for the better.

I remember thinking:

“If I’m becoming more confident, why are these thoughts still here?”

But confidence does not mean your mind suddenly forgets every belief it has ever learned. The brain clings to familiar patterns, especially those linked to emotion, belonging, rejection, or self-worth.

For years, my mind practised seeking evidence that I was not enough. Those pathways became so familiar that they became automatic.

This is important to understand

The return of an old thought does not mean you are going backwards.

It does not erase your growth.

Very often, it simply means your mind has recognised something unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or emotionally significant and has reached for an old protective pattern.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is awareness.

When you are aware of these patterns, you no longer have to follow them automatically.

The heart of your brain’s actions

Your brain wants you to stay safe, so it constantly scans for danger, discomfort, or emotional pain.

If you have experienced emotional pain in the past, your mind remembers it and starts watching for patterns that might trigger similar feelings again.

Anything unfamiliar can feel risky.

Repeating old mistakes could lead to embarrassment, rejection, or shame.

Your brain does not want that. So it leans towards what feels familiar, because familiarity feels safer than uncertainty.

Your brain is not asking:“Does this thought make me happy?”

It is asking:“Does this feel familiar?”

When the voice gets loud

The voice often grows loudest at the very moment you begin to grow.

Building confidence requires stepping outside your comfort zone, the place your brain believes is safest. Therefore, growth feels uncertain to the nervous system.

So, it panics when:

* You try something new.

* Become more visible.

* Set boundaries.

* Speak honestly.

* Risk judgement.

This is often the moment when you might feel you are failing, but you are not; you are growing.

The mistake people make

People often believe they simply need to “think more positively.”

When negative thoughts still arise, they assume they are doing something wrong.

They think:

* “I should be over this.”

* “I’m going backwards.”

* “Nothing is changing.”

But progress does not come from blocking thoughts or pretending they are not there.

Progress comes from awareness, noticing the pattern rather than automatically believing it.

The real question is not:

“How do I stop this criticism forever?”

It is:

“How do I respond differently when it appears?”

Which is what we will begin exploring next week.

Something to reflect on this week

* When does your inner voice become loudest?

* What situations seem to trigger old patterns most strongly?

* Can you notice where your mind is trying to keep you safe through familiarity?

* What changes when you stop seeing the thought as proof and start seeing it as conditioning?

On Wednesday, 27 May, I will be holding a live workshop where we’ll explore how to begin responding differently to these thoughts in a way that builds genuine self-trust rather than fear. I hope you can make it.

Much loveSue xx

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the first of four posts.

Growing up, I firmly believed two things:

* I was not clever.

* I had nothing interesting to say.

I have no idea exactly where or when these beliefs started. I thought I should be clever like my younger sister, and I was a shy introvert. Those feel like the starting points.

After that, my brain seemed to collect “evidence” that these beliefs were true.Any time I was ignored, told to be quiet, or criticised, it counted as proof. Over time, those beliefs became part of who I was.

Some memories are still so vivid they could have been yesterday, rather than over 50 years ago.

* A teacher criticising my painting when I was about 10.

* A friend of my uncle telling my father he “couldn’t get a word out of me,” prompting my father to say I had embarrassed him.

* Freezing and being unable to say my lines in a classroom play, even when they were held up in front of me.

Those moments were painful. And my mind decided they were good reasons to stay quiet and avoid taking risks.

No matter how much I longed to be accepted, a voice in my head kept telling me I would never reach where I wanted to be, so why even try?

For a long time, I believed that voice was telling me the truth.

It sounded like me.It used my words.It knew exactly where to aim.

“You’re not interesting enough.”“You’ve said too much.”“They don’t really want to hear from you.”

It didn’t feel like a thought; it felt like a quiet knowing. For years, I thought this was just part of who I was. I thought it was guidance, so I listened.

In a way, it was.

What was really happening?

As I built my confidence and self-trust, I noticed that these nasty comments were still playing out in my head.

My confidence was improving, but whenever even something small went wrong, or I was slightly criticised, the same thoughts would be triggered. It felt like a lever was being pulled.

You messed up because you are stupid.You never get things right.Don’t say that, you’ll sound boring.

That was when I began to really hear how harsh the voice was.

Why would I speak to myself like that?

And then I realised something important.

This voice wasn’t trying to hurt me.It was trying to protect me.

Not in a calm or supportive way, but in a fast, automatic, deeply conditioned way.

My brain recognised the feeling of being judged, dismissed, or not enough. The feelings it had learned in childhood.

It had learned to pay close attention to anything uncomfortable and to try to prevent it from happening again.

This is what the brain does.

Over time, it builds a system designed to protect you.But that protection can start to sound like criticism.

Why negative self-talk feels so convincing

Negative self-talk isn’t random.

It’s built from your memories, your experiences, and the meaning you gave to those moments.

The voice feels familiar.You recognise the language.What it says feels true, so you don’t question it.

You respond to it.

You might:

* Replay conversations in your head.

* Second-guess what you said.

* Hold back from trying anything new.

* Try to get everything perfect.

* Procrastinate and leave things unfinished.

Not because you lack confidence, but because something within you is trying to keep you safe.

This is the part that often gets missed

People think they are failing because they can’t silence the voice.

Trust me, this is not your failure.

You’re responding exactly as your system has been trained to respond.

It’s not the voice that is holding you back.

The problem lies in how it is understood.

When you believe that voice is you, you follow it without question.

But when you begin to see it as something your mind has learned to do, something created to protect you, a small space opens.

And in that space, something very important becomes possible.

Awareness.

You begin to notice the voice without immediately believing it.You hear the thought without letting it define you.You recognise the pattern without needing to fight it.

A gentle place to start

For now, you don’t need to silence the voice.And you don’t need to force yourself to think positively.

You only need to begin noticing.

Over the next few days, see if you can become aware of when this voice shows up.

There is no need to change or challenge it, just pay attention. You might be surprised by what you hear.

Confidence begins to grow when you realise that not every thought you have needs to be followed.

Something to reflect on this week

* When does your inner voice feel the strongest or most convincing?

* What does it tend to say to you most often?

* Can you begin to notice what it might be trying to protect you from?

* What changes, even slightly, when you observe the voice instead of immediately believing it?

If negative self-talk is something you struggle with, we will be exploring it more deeply together in a live workshop later this month.

Much loveSue xx

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe