Connected Communication Practice #4: Connect before sharing Context and Content

Building connectedness at the outset of any conversation provides the foundation from which to have the conversation. Without connection to each other as human beings, we tend to fall back into reactive patterns: overexplaining, overpreparing, not listening, avoiding the hard issues or just railroading over others. Establishing relationship at the outset creates safety. It sets both people up to let their guards down. Next is context. Share what you are wanting to speak about and ask the other person if they are willing to have this conversation now. Asking for the opt-in creates buy-in and collaboration. Connecting is like opening the door, setting context is explaining the room and content is getting into the room together.

Share Your Authentic Truth with Deep Honesty and Kindness

Holding back uncomfortable feelings and thoughts creates unrest, tension and  distrust. How do we share our truth even when it is uncomfortable? Enter the practice of Authentic Truth Distillation. Notice what you are feeling and thinking. Don’t just blurt it out. Be aware of where you are in judgment and trying to control. Let that go. Pause: Postpone Action till Satya (truth) Emerges. Share your  truth with deep honesty, kindness and humility. You don’t have the whole truth, only your perspective. Share it as such. Stuck in the middle of a conflict? Take a deep breath, pause. Maybe simply say: “I feel something about this I need to process.”

Go to the Beach. Be in Appreciative Presence a 10

On a scale from 1 to 10 how present are you now?  A 1 equals being totally distracted and a 10 is being totally here. Being present at work, in meetings, in life in general is a choice. Probably one of the most important choices we have as leaders and team members. Not being present, we likely feel stressed, maybe in some kind of judgment of the other and/or lost in completing a task and not seeing the bigger picture. Being present, we may experience a sense of groundedness and well-being, we recognize others as just like us, human beings with feelings and thoughts, and we become more connected to our purpose. From presence we create flow. Even if we are not quite sure what to say, we can always come back to choice number one: being present. From presence we see more clearly and insights and conversation flow more naturally.

The 1% Principle

Connected Communication Practice #1

Who do you choose to be in the conversation no matter how the other person reacts? Enter the power of the 1% principle: focus on what you can control and let go of your attachment to what you cannot control, the 99%. Being grounded in our intentions, for example of being deeply honest, deeply kind and deeply of service, we stay more focused on what we are trying to achieve, not distracted by our ego validation needs. Being grounded in our intentions gives us the freedom to be ourselves. This gives us space to breathe, be honest and also to empathize. We don’t need to be right. We are willing to listen to the other person. Free from the need to be right, we gain the freedom of learning together.

Support & UpliftAppreciating others is the oxygen for relationship and performance. “I have some feedback for you.” When we hear this, we tend to have some anxiety. That’s why letting people know that we value them, that we have their back, is so important, especially when giving feedback. It reminds people that they are valued and have something to contribute. Even the hardest feedback needs to be given from an atmosphere of appreciation: I see your higher intelligence, potential, purpose and needs, and I want to help you realize more of it. When was the last time you appreciated someone else? Giving appreciation lights up energy in both the give and receiver. As the Buddha said: “If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your path.”

Team CQ Practice #11Give Your Best & Be Resourceful

What do you do when you are overwhelmed? First look at yourself. What is the story you are telling yourself? Is this true? Also ask yourself, what is a rubber ball and what is a glass one? Which todo’s I can play with and which ones are non-negotiables for today? Challenge three foundational myths that block resourcefulness: 1. You are the only one experiencing this. Very unlikely, you are part of a collective of people who each have their own experience of this challenge. 2. You have solve this alone. Also untrue. Ask for help, and at a minimum ask yourself: how would someone I admire approach this? Borrow a piece of their wisdom. 3. You have to solve this now. Very few things are so urgent that we can’t let them breathe a bit. In addition, keep your focus on your sphere of care: what do the people you are called to serve need? Who are they? Maybe it is your family, your boss, your client, your friend. Make a list. Then keep sensing into how to best be of service them. And don’t forget to include yourself on that list.

Reach Out Often

Team CQ Practice #10Offer and ask for help purposefully. Work together for a shared vision. Follow through. Asking for help requires vulnerability. We need to be able to admit where we need help. And sometimes we ask for help because we want to create team energy toward a shared purpose. We give others an opportunity to be of service when we ask for help. Since asking for help is not something most do easily, it requires practice. It helps to set up an advisory board of people you trust. Let them know you will ask for help and get their permission to do so, so it becomes easier to reach out when you are in a pinch.  And offer help. Ask: how are you? What do you need? Reaching out reduces stress and increases team performance.

Connected Teamwork Work Practice #9:

Create & Maintain Balcony Perspective

Connect before sharing context and content. Keep your eyes on a clear, higher goal. In the grip of thesurvival brain, it can be easy to lose sight of the bigger picture of theconversation. Enter the need to go on the balcony. Take a deep breath and askyourself and possibly the other person a balcony question, for example: can yousay more about that? What is most important to you about this? What would youlike to see happen? Be willing to be vulnerable and say: I need to think aboutthis for a moment. Situations in the office are rarely life and death. If youdon't think you have time to take a breath and look at the bigger perspective,it's probably your survival brain talking to you. WATCH: Walk above the clouds,humbly.

Make Amends Promptly: Own your action, recognize impact, offer reparation. Do it for integrity.

“I am sorry” is a little sentence that can make a big difference. We hesitate to say it because our ego wants us to be perfect and doesn’t want to give other people reasons to judge and dislike us. Making a quality amend is an act of truth. We do it because deep down we know we harmed ourselves and/or others and we feel called to restore balance. Beware of hiding behind “I am sorry.” These can’t just be words. A true amend includes a real change in behavior and, in many cases, offering some kind of reparation to the other person. Remember that the person you probably first need to make amends to is yourself. Offer reparations to yourself by being kind and compassionate.

Listen deeply. Create Dialogue. Conflict is confluence. Deep listening is an act of leadership and it magnetizes both the listener and the speaker. We learn to listen deeply to what is underneath our surface thinking and feeling and access a deeper truth together when joined together in a space of listening. Listening is also an act of courage. It requires us to not react, force solutions and be the hero. It requires us to be humble and stay open even when the other person is presenting us with an opinion that is very different from ours. We tend to reach our point of “I can’ listen any more.” Staying open then helps to connect at a deeper level. We all want to be heard. What would happen if you became a really great listener for someone who needs it today?