Coping

In this episode of "Coping," Kevin and Kathy delve into the concept of labeling emotions productively and destructively in the context of grief. They introduce a helpful tool, the Feelings Wheel, to aid in identifying and expressing emotions, which can help you to explore and acknowledge feelings related to grief.

Kathy: Welcome back for another episode of “Coping”.

Kevin: Last episode, we talked about ways we can begin to get our grief out, and we talked about the method of linking, linking our losses and the way that our brain naturally does that. 

Kathy: Yes, if you recall, we discussed the benefits of linking as well as externalizing our inward grief. And in this episode, we're gonna talk about another way we can begin to get the grief out. 

Kevin: Recently, we purchased a gift for our daughter and that gift is a label maker. She's become so preoccupied with this label maker, assigning all the different things in her room, especially her desk area, making sure everything in her room is neat and tidy, and she knows exactly where it is because of these labels that she's making. So in today's episode, we're gonna discuss this idea of labeling and see how it relates to our grief. Let's get started. 

Kathy: Yes, so when we were thinking about ideas for our daughter's birthday, she had come across a vintage label maker at her work, and then became very interested in an idea of having one herself. So that's what she's been doing since she's gotten it, making labels and labeling everything like around her room and all of that. 

Kevin: That's right. And you may be like our daughter obsessed with cleaning and organizing and even own a label maker yourself. I guess the question really is, "how does labeling relate to our grief?" Well, let's start with the definition of labeling. 

Kevin: Labeling is the simple act of noticing and naming something. I'll say that again. Labeling is the simple act of noticing and naming something. So for example, our daughter, she labels a bunch of things in her office. Like what? What do you see her labeling? 

Kathy: So she's labeling boxes and just items so that she knows what's in different things and then creating labels for all of us to put on our things as well. 

Kevin: Exactly. So the label maker is making it easy for her to know at a glance where something is. She knows what it is. She can notice it, name it and grab it right away.

Kathy: Right, exactly. I have a question for you. Do you think labeling is always helpful?

Kevin: You know, when it comes down to it, I think there's really two types of labeling. First, there's this productive labeling, which we'll call "naming", where you're naming something. This is pretty common in talk therapy where you're encouraged to name the emotions that you're having by noticing them and naming them and helps you get some. control back over those emotions perhaps, but there's also a destructive labeling and we'll call that "shaming." 

Kevin: So the biggest difference between naming and shaming is its effect on us and how we're using what we're labeling. So destructive labeling or shaming, Webster's dictionary says it's "assigning something to a category, especially inaccurately or restrictively." So this kind of labeling leads to prejudice and marginalization of entire groups of people, where we're using the labeling as a way to marginalize people. This is really like the root of racism, sexism, any anti-LGBTQIA views. It's really at its core, naming something or a people group as a way to shame and to "other" them. This shaming as it relates to grief is called grief shaming. 

Kevin: Grief shaming is the act of blaming, minimizing, or judging one's expression of grief. And this is pretty common in society. We've all heard this or experienced this in some way, but let's take some time to break it down a little bit.

Kathy: I know we've all experienced some of these moments and phrases of grief shaming. Some of them sound like, "well, you weren't even married." "I thought you'd be over it by now." "Miscarriages happen all the time" and "you're still wearing your wedding ring." "Why are you so upset? You didn't even get along with your mom." Or simply grief shaming of silent treatment when a statement is made and there's dead silence. 

Kevin: What you can see from these phrases, not only does somebody who's grieving have the difficulty of the loss and the grief experience, they also have on top of that the negative experiences of others' negativity and comments or distance that can build their experience of shame and grief being harder than just the actual experience itself.

Kathy: Right. 

Kevin: What I think it's also important to name here is that grief -shaming can also be initiated by us, that we shame ourself in the midst of our own grief, that we judge and blame and criticize ourselves for our experience of grief. Now, self -shaming is the act of blaming, minimizing, or judging one's self -expression of grief. So, you can take those same phrases that somebody's directing at you externally, and you can externalize those things and say things like, "why do I still feel this way?" "I just need to move on. We weren't even that close. Why am I sad that they're gone? Wait, am I sad enough?" Or "others had it way worse than me." My grief is nothing in comparison to what they've been through. 

Kevin: That type of labeling, it can be unproductive and really stunt your healing experience. You're placing this judgment and criticism on it, which really can stunt it and prevent it from being processed, as we've discussed in other episodes. 

Kathy: Yeah, both seem to be a cutoff, a cutting off of either you're being cut off by someone or you're cutting yourself off, not allowing yourself to process or have the feelings. You're not giving, there's no permission. 

Kevin: Yeah, it leads to unresolved grief symptoms in the body, in the mind, the heart, and the spirit. 

Kathy: Right. So when it comes to loss, what's the other side of this? What does productive labeling look like? 

Kevin: So one way we can productively label is by naming our feelings. Like I said before, naming feelings is something that we learn in therapeutic relationships where we're called to notice how we're feeling, how something made us feel, reflect on it, and name the emotion attached to it. 

Kevin: This term in psychology is referred to as affect labeling. In other words, putting feelings into words. Studies have shown that affect labeling reduces activity in our brain's amygdala. That's the part of the brain that has that fight or flight response. It really helps lessen the intensity of any experience, especially as it relates to grief. There's this one psychologist, Dr. Matthew Lieberman. He's a professor, but also an author of a book called, "Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect". 

Kevin: He says, “putting negative feelings into words can help regulate negative experiences. In other words, naming our feelings won't put the brakes on that emotion, but will help us get into the driver's seat of the experience.” I love that quote. So good.

Kathy: It's very helpful. But I know as an introvert that I always have a hard time naming my feelings. So that all sounds excellent, but for most of us, I think that we don't know how to access that tool of naming our feelings. Do you have any tools or strategies?

Kevin: Yeah, I think that's a good point. I think whether you're introverted and you're not really sure what you're feeling, because the emotions are so intense. For extroverts like I am, sometimes you're feeling so many different things you can't quite pin down one feeling. You feel like you're feeling all of the feelings all at once. And so in our workshops we have used a tool called a Feelings Wheel. It's been such a helpful tool for us in our own individual lives, but also in the times that we've taught on the Feelings Wheel to help you articulate the specific emotion that you're having and then describe for yourself how you're feeling, but then also use that language to connect with other people to name how you're feeling.

Kathy: Yeah, this Feelings Wheel is fantastic. It really helps. You go from that -- you start in the center and it will give you some main feelings and then you can work your way outward to identify more specifically what you're feeling and it really helps to name what we're talking about today, the feelings. 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly. And we've found this to be so helpful in our workshops. We want it to be a resource for all of you. So we're gonna put a link in the notes of the podcast so that you can get to it pretty easily but you can also just Google Feelings Wheel and I hope that it can be as useful of a resource to you as it has been for us.

Kathy: Yeah, that would be excellent.

Kevin: Yeah. All right, so let me just give a summary of what we talked about so far: When we notice and name our feelings, we connect our head, our thinking selves with our heart, our feeling selves. And this language, the naming of our feelings, the productive labeling, gives us language that allows us to articulate our experience to ourselves, but also to others. But most importantly, it gives us language to affirm the experience that we're having. When we can see the words on the page that describe exactly how we're feeling, it can be a very affirming experience. 

Kathy: Thanks, Kevin. This is super helpful. So to end this episode, we wanted to give you some time right now to think through your feelings as related to your grief. So would you pause with me a moment? Take a few moments to pause. 

Kathy: And I want you to narrow in on one particular loss for this exercise. Which loss is most prominent for you right now? in your life. I want you to begin to think now how it makes you feel. Why is the loss so heavy for you? Does the loss make you feel sad, angry, fearful? Sit with your loss for a moment and think about the main feelings that arise for you. you It's okay to have more than one feeling as you think on this loss. 

Kathy: Finally, give yourself permission to sit with the loss and the feelings that come up for you. you. If you need extra support and help with this process, feel free to reach out to us at Be Well, and most of all know that you're not alone. Thanks so much for joining us for this conversation, and whatever you may be coping with today, blessings to you.

In this journaling meditation, Kevin provides listeners with a practical exercise to explore the interconnections between their list of losses. He encourages them to visualize the relationships between different losses, using size variations and visual elements like lines or circles to represent these connections. The goal is to create a visual representation that mirrors the complexity of their grief experiences.

Kevin: So those of you that participated in the listing exercise last time, if you want to grab that list out or listen to that episode and create a list of losses, you can build on that exercise in this new exercise. 

So as you're looking at that list of losses, what I would like you to do is to start thinking about the ways in which the list of losses are interconnected. That process may be natural for you where you begin to draw those connections quite easily and readily. 

If you feel like you're struggling to think about how those list of what feels like random losses are connected, I want you to choose one big loss on that list of losses, whether it's one of the biggest losses in your life or one of the most recent losses in your life. 

Start there. Write that word down in the middle of a blank piece of paper and as you look at that word, start to consider the other little losses that have come as a result of that big loss and write those words smaller around that word that's on the middle of your page and you what will begin to develop here is a flowchart. 

What you can focus on is the size of the words that you're writing. The really big losses, use a bigger font. Some of the other little losses, you can write them in a smaller font. You can start to connect them one by one, using lines or circles. 

However that starts to play out in your brain, start to make sense of it. And whatever that looks like for you and your experience. You. Get creative with it. There's no right or wrong way to do this, but what you should see by the end of it is a pretty messy page of losses that are interconnected by lines and shapes. 

And hopefully it begins to look on the page a little bit like it feels in your brain and in your heart. 

Kathy: Thanks, Kevin. That was a very helpful activity. We just want to say if you're needing extra support and help through your grief, feel free to reach out to us and whatever else you may be coping with, blessings to you. 

In this episode of "Coping," Kevin and Kathy explore the concept of linking in the context of grief. They discuss how our brains are wired to remember pain and link losses, and provide a helpful exercise for listeners to visualize and understand the interconnectedness of their losses.

Kevin: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Coping. 

Kathy: Yes. Welcome, everyone. Last episode we talked about the ways we can begin to get the grief out. 

Kevin: Yeah, that's right. So we discussed the benefits of list making and how externalizing our inward grief is a part of processing our grief and working through it. In this episode, we're going to go a little bit deeper and talk about another way to begin to get that reef out. And I think a good way to start is with a fun little game. If you'll play along with me, Kathy. 

Kathy: As long as you don't keep the score, you're pretty competitive.

Kevin: Alright, no scorekeeping. But let's play a little game. So I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first word that comes to mind. It's like an association game, okay? 

Kathy: Okay. 

Kevin: All right, the first word is tea. 

Kathy: Scones.

Kevin: Good. Alright. Movies. 

Kathy: Popcorn.

Kevin: There you go. Beach.

Kathy: Shade. 

Kevin: Shade. There you go. 

Kathy: Let me try. How about San Francisco? 

Kevin: Oh, trolley. 

Kathy: So I'm assuming that this fun game has something to do with grief and what we're learning about this week.

Kevin: That's right. We're going to talk about how our brains are wired to link, and we'll talk about that. 

Kathy: All right, let's get started. So you mentioned that there's another process we can use to begin to get the grief out. Can you explain? 

Kevin: Yeah. So this process is called linking. Remember last time we listed our losses? This time we're going to take some time to learn to link those losses and see how our brain is storing those memories. So the next L of loss is Linking. 

Kevin: When we talk about our brains, we have to remember that every experience we have leaves its mark on our brain. So when we learn something new, the neurons involved in that learning episode grow new projections and form new links in our brain. These links allow for learning and memory and other complex functions of the brain. 

Kevin: So that leads us to our first principle, which is that our brains link on a cellular level. And this is especially true during difficult experiences. A recent study suggests that our brains recall bad memories more readily and with more clarity than good memories. And I think we all know this to be true in our lives, that we can easily recall those difficult days more than we can recall the good day that we had yesterday. Right?

Kathy: Right.

Kevin: And researchers say that this tendency has evolved as an evolutionary tactic to protect us against other future life threatening or negative events. So what we learn here is that repetition reinforces remembrance. So I guess that's like our second principle, which is that our brains learn through repetition. So if our brains are linking on a cellular level, our brains are also learning through repetition. 

Kathy: So I have a question. What about grief? What happens when the memory itself is what causes the pain? 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly. That's such a great question. Repetition is great when we're learning a new skill, right? If you're shooting free throws, you keep shooting again and again and again to try to learn that perfect repetition, that perfect flow, the stance, the way that the ball sits on the palm of your hand. Practice is so necessary, for when you're learning a new skill. Why doesn't it follow, then, that the more we experience loss, the easier grief gets? Right. If our brain learns through repetition, you would think that the more you lose, the better you get at grief, right? 

Kevin: And that's just not the way that grief works. And I think the answer to that lies in this third principle here and that's that our brains are wired to remember pain. So like when you burn yourself when you're cooking, you're like, oh ouch, that pan gets hot. I have to remember next time when I'm cooking with this pan, the handle will get hot. I need to be careful about that. And so experiencing loss and pain actually strengthens the brain's neural pathways, which essentially links every new loss to every previous loss we've ever experienced. 

Kevin: So our brains are quite literally linking our losses. That's our fourth principle here: Our brains are linking our losses. 

Kathy: That makes complete sense. Even if as I think about how I remember things that are very painful and how they remind me of other times that are painful and if someone talks about something, it will trigger a memory of that. So I'm wondering, how do you recommend that our listeners engage in this linking practice?

Kevin: Yeah, that's really good. I think there's two things. One is just remembering when you're experiencing a new loss and you feel like the experience of that loss is way harder than what the event may call for, your brain is likely linking this loss to other previous losses. 

Kevin: So those of you that have had the terrible experience of being in a car accident may have felt, felt some other memories from your childhood or other losses. Breakups, broken relationships, those memories arise in those difficult experiences. And that's because that newer trauma can bring up experiences of past traumas and past losses. And so just the awareness that what you're facing today may feel heavier and harder than what it actually is, and that's okay. 

Kevin: And it's an opportunity to tend to what you need in that moment through that experience, but also the other pains that you've experienced in your life. So just being aware that your brain is naturally linking is probably a good first step. But there's also a spiritual practice that you can develop or an exercise that you can develop that will help you to show you visually the way that your brain is linking some of your losses. So those of you that participated in the listing exercise last time, if you want to grab that list out or listen to that episode and create a list of losses, you can build on that exercise, in this new exercise. 

Kevin: So as you're looking at that list of losses, what I would like you to do is to start thinking about the ways in which the list of losses are interconnected. That process may be natural for you where you begin to draw those connections quite easily and readily. 

Kevin: If you feel like you're struggling to think about how those list of what feels like random losses are connected, I want you to choose one big loss on that list of losses. Whether it's one of the biggest losses in your life or one of the most recent losses in your life, start there. 

Kevin: Write that word down in the middle of a blank piece of paper, and as you look at that word, start to. The other little losses that have come as a result of that big loss, and write those words smaller around that word that's in the middle of your page. 

Kevin: What will begin to develop here is a flowchart. What you can focus on is the size of the words that you're writing. The really big losses use a bigger font. Some of the other little losses, you can write them in a smaller font. You can start to connect them one by one, using lines or circles. However that starts to play out in your brain, start to make sense of it. Whatever that looks like for you and your experience, get creative with it. 

Kevin: There's no right or wrong way to do this, but what you should see by the end of it is a pretty messy page of losses that are interconnected by lines and shapes. And hopefully it begins to look on the page a little bit, like it feels in your brain and in your heart. 

Kathy: Thanks, Kevin. That was a very helpful activity. We just want to say if you're needing extra support and help through your grief, feel free to reach out to us and whatever else you may be coping with, blessings to you.

Allow Kevin Deegan to guide you in a journaling exercise that can encourage you to reflect on grief and loss experiences. Being able to externalize these often heavy experiences will give you space to process the emotions around them and offer a measure of freedom to explore your pain points from difficult interactions. He emphasizes the significance of externalizing these emotions for processing and suggests circling the most burdensome ones for further exploration.

Kevin: With a piece of paper, with the device in front of you, I want you to just begin with the first thing that comes to mind when you think of grief, when you think of loss. What's that thing that happened to you that feels it's always there?

It's the heaviest thing in your backpack. Write that thing down first. Just maybe there's more than one thing. Go ahead and start writing down some of the things that come to mind as you continue to write. 

Think about the things that you may not traditionally think of as losses, but feel like pain points for you. So those difficult conversations that you've had recently, the time that somebody said something that really hurt you, the time that something happened that made you upset in a way that you didn't expect, start writing down those things too. 

You think about the different phases of your life. Your earliest memories, your childhood, your young adult life, and even just your recent experiences. What are some of those points in time that have made a lasting impression, a mark on you because of a loss, because of an experience, a difficult encounter? 

Write down those things too. You may be at a point in your journaling where you're getting stuck, and that's okay. You can look over your list and review and see what other thoughts comes to mind. Even if there's something that you're not sure if it should be on the list, just add it. 

Just write it down. If it keeps coming to your mind, just write it down. If you find yourself free flowing and writing a lot, go ahead and keep on writing until you get to a stopping point. Now that you're at the end and you're looking over your list, why don't you circle those things that feel most heavy right now? 

I'm only imagining what you've written on your list. Thinking of my own list and let me be the first to say, my goodness. No wonder you feel the way that you do. No wonder this has been so difficult for you. 

Look at all that you've been through. So for whatever you may be coping with, we want to extend our blessings to you.

In this episode of "Coping," Kevin and Kathy discuss the practice of using lists as a tool to process grief. Learn the benefits of externalizing and focusing on grief through list-making, create lists of losses to help yourself acknowledge, connect, and find meaning in your grief experiences.

Kevin: Well, hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Kathy and I are happy to be with you guys today. 

Kathy: Yes. So last episode, we talked about the ways we process grief stuffers and sharers. 

Kevin: Yes. And we talked about ways to process our grief rather than just stuff it or just share it. And so in this episode, we're going to go a little bit deeper and talk about one way we can begin to get that grief out, how we can go from dealing with grief to processing grief. And so the question we're going to begin with is, "Kathy, are you a list lover or hater? How do you feel about lists?" 

Kathy: I love lists, and I can't wait to dive into this. So let's get started. You mentioned that there's a process we can use to begin to actually get the grief out. Can you explain it a little bit more? 

Kevin: Yeah. So we all have lists that we have running, whether it's grocery lists or to do lists or goals that we have by the end of the year, lists of know, instructions from Ikea, whatever that may be. We have these running lists of things. One example of a list that I have in my new job, I keep a running list of all of the things that I need to do in a particular day or particular week, and I'm constantly adding and subtracting things to that list. What about you? What's one of the lists that you keep?

Kathy: Oh, my goodness. I have so many. My funniest lists are related to shopping, like grocery, Christmas, birthday. That running. I have so many random items on there that for this episode, I was looking at my lists, and I have 181. 

Kevin: Oh, my gosh. Literally 181?

Kathy: Yes.

Kevin: Oh, my goodness. How is it possible? How is that even possible? How do you keep track of 181 lists?

Kathy: I have no idea. But I do have them.

Kevin: Well, that's why you have them, right? Because there's so many things to keep track of. Oh, my goodness. That's crazy. I didn't expect that. Well, maybe we don't all keep 180 lists, but we have lists that are running, and we have them for very practical reasons. But there's an aspect of that practicality that will help us in the process of processing grief. The neuroscience tells us that there are two main benefits when it comes to list making. No matter what kind of list you're making, the two main benefits are externalizing and focusing. 

The benefit of externalizing is to do away with mental juggling. I think we've all been there where we try to keep all of the dates and all of the times and all of the information in our head, and we just find ourselves struggling to keep all of it in our brains. And that's because the neuroscience says most people can only hold about four things in their mind at a time. And I'll be honest, four things sounds like way more than what I can handle. I can do maybe one and possibly two things, but I'm constantly having things fall through the cracks. 

Kathy: Yeah, that's fascinating. Only four things. I think I'm the opposite. I'm holding 181 things, apparently. But this is very important to understand that if our brain can only hold four things, for those of us who attempt to hold more, we are not succeeding, and we probably are facing other consequences for holding all that information in. 

Kevin: That's right. And it could be really mentally exhausting to hold all of that stuff in, and you're expending energy by trying to hold on to those things and not really accomplishing them. So it's a waste of energy. In addition to being challenging, it's a waste of energy. But the other benefit of list making is focusing. So keeping the list and making a list helps you to move from one task to another without wasting time. It ultimately makes you like a productivity ninja. If you have a list of things that you have to take care of instead of wasting energy and trying to remember all of those things, you can actually take time to accomplish each of those tasks one by one. 

Kathy: Yeah, I think that it's so interesting that you're pointing out the focusing. Studies show as I'm helping people with budgets, like in coaching, studies show that if you make a grocery list before you enter the grocery, you're less likely to spend as much money. And so just the five minutes it would take to sit in the car before you walk into the store helps you focus. And then, of course, then there are lots of financial benefits, as one example.

Kevin: Right. Exactly. So we have these two benefits of list making externalizing and focusing. But it really begins to beg the question, "how will listing help with our losses?" Well, the reality is when we experience grief and loss, our subconscious mind creates a running list of all of our losses. And this list runs deep and wide all the way back to our childhood. Some of those ambiguous losses, our mind retains all of those things. And we talked last week about the stuffers and sharers and their attempt to deal with this grief. 

And the principle still that applies for this week is the need to seek out practices that promote externalizing and focus missing. And so when we are using the practice of listing, we can begin to externalize our loss and begin focusing on the pain to start processing that loss. 

When it comes to grief, then externalizing our loss and focusing on our pain will help us to begin to process that loss and help us to move forward. 

Kathy: How do you recommend our listeners engage in this listing practice for grief? 

Kevin: Good question. First, I want to say it may feel a little bit awkward at first to create a list as it relates to grief. It won't be as intuitive, but that's kind of the point, right, is to start using that part of your brain that wants to move through the grocery store really quickly and efficiently and budget consciously for your grief. There seems to be a disconnect, but if we can draw a bridge between those two parts of our mind, I think it will help engage our whole mind into our grief and help us to process it, which is really what the struggle is with our grief, is that we don't process it. It's just there.

The encouragement then is just to start. And the best way to start is have a blank piece of paper with lines and a pen and something to write with. Or if you're more of an electronic person like I am, pull up notes on your phone and just start making a running list. 

You can start with the big things, work your way to the small things. You can start with the things that happened today, this week, since the beginning of the year. Just start writing down like basically a catch all list of all of the losses. What will begin to happen is some of those losses will relate to other little losses or there'll be subcategories of losses. You'll have some repeats of losses, but all of that externalizing of that loss will give you the opportunity to look at that list, to hold it in your hand, and to feel that affirmation of. No wonder I'm so tired, no wonder this has been so hard. Look at all that I've been through. And then that focus also gives you a new perspective to start to be more compassionate to yourself and helps you to focus in on where the pain is and where you need to be good to yourself and where you need to reach out for help and support. 

Kathy: I think from my experience personally, and also doing this with our groups, when we're listing, we start writing down things we didn't even know were lost or things we had forgotten. I know that happened with me. And then drawing some links and connections between losses that I hadn't thought about for decades. So getting it out, the externalizing is super helpful. We had one student say she didn't know that her job loss that happened six years ago was the cause of her depression. It's a simple but very, very effective tool.

Kevin: Yeah. And that's what our brain does. Right. Our brain is wired to make connections. And so when we're creating a list like this and we're able to see it tangibly, the brain will start to naturally connect the dots of the losses that we've experienced and where a lot of our pain is coming from. 

We've talked about the 6th stage of grief before, and that's meaning making. So when we find ourselves in the process of grieving, meaning making is such an important practice that we need to include in the highs and lows of a loss. And we can begin the process of meaning making at any point during our grief experience. If you're able to see the list of losses and your brain's drawing connections about how the loss that you experienced this week is related to a loss you experienced in your childhood or related to the thing that you didn't think was a loss that happened two years ago. The brain can make meaning from that. And that's what the processing work really becomes fruitful and beneficial. 

Kevin: And so I think what I would like to do to conclude our episode today is to lead you all through a journaling exercise to begin the process of list making. 

If you're in a place right now where you're able to grab something to write with or you have a device in front of you that you can type on, I want to invite you to open that up, to pull that out and get yourself in the mindset in a space where you can practice some of that journaling right now. 

So with the piece of paper, with the device in front of you, I want you to just begin with the first thing that comes to mind when you think of grief, when you think of loss. What's that thing that happened to you that feels it's always there? 

It's the heaviest thing in your backpack. Write that thing down first. Maybe there's more than one thing. Go ahead and start writing down some of the things that come to mind as you continue to write. 

Think about the things that you may not traditionally think of as losses, but feel like pain points for you. So those difficult conversations that you've had recently, the time that somebody's at something that really hurt you, a time that something happened that made you upset in a way that you didn't expect, start writing down those things too. 

You think about the different phases of your life, your earliest memories, your childhood, your young adult life, and even just your recent experiences. What are some of those points in time that have made a lasting impression? 

A mark on you because of a loss, because of an experience, a difficult encounter? Write down those things too. You may be at a point in your journaling where you're getting stuck, and that's okay. 

You can look over your list and review and see what other thoughts comes to mind. Even if there's something that you're not sure if it should be on the list, just add it. Just write it down. If it keeps coming to your mind, just write it down. 

If you find yourself free flowing and writing a lot, go ahead and keep on writing until you get to a stopping point. Now that you're at the end and you're looking over your list, why don't you circle those things that feel most heavy right now? 

I'm only imagining what you've written on your list. Thinking of my own list. And let me be the first to say, my goodness. No wonder you feel the way that you do. No wonder this has been so difficult for you. Look at all that you've been through. So for whatever you may be coping with, we want to extend our blessings to you.

In this episode of "Coping," Kathy and Kevin discuss two main ways people cope with grief: "Stuffers" who internalize their grief and "Sharers" who externalize it through storytelling. Learn the importance of finding a balance between these approaches and practical advice for both types to process their grief effectively.

Kevin: Well, welcome back, everybody, for another episode of Coping. Kathy and are happy to be here with you guys today. 

Kathy: Yes. So welcome everyone. Last episode, we talked about grief in the four parts of ourselves: our body, our heart, our mind and our spirit. 

Kevin: That's right. And in our quest for wholeness and reintegration, we begin coping with our loss in one of two main ways. And that's what we want to talk about today. 

Kathy: That sounds really interesting. I'm really eager to hear more. Let's get started. 

Kathy: So you mentioned that we often cope with our loss in one of two ways. Can you explain more?

Kevin: Yeah. So in my work with families and individuals at end of life, I have begun to realize that there's two main coping strategies when it comes to talking about our grief. There are two types of grievers. The first are the stuffers. The stuffers are those that hold their grief inside. Now, they do this for all sorts of reasons, but some of the reasons I've heard include it's too painful to talk about. I'm afraid if I start, I'm not going to be able to stop talking about it. In my culture, my family, my religion, expressing emotion is frowned upon. And of course, there's those social stigmas like men don't cry or I'm trying to hold it all together and be strong for my family. 

Kevin: See, the main obstacle for Stuffers, their tendency is to internalize their loss through silence, hoping to digest their pain. In other words, if I hold in my pain. I can hold myself together. And of course, when it comes to grieving, this can be very counterproductive. 

Kathy: That sounds exactly like me. I know that I always go inward when I'm dealing with anything, but when there's a loss, since my brain is in overdrive, trying to figure out how to cope and find a way to move forward, I am, what you just said, attempting to digest my pain. And manage it. Right. 

Kevin: You're showing your strength through what you can handle.

Kathy: Sure. 

Kevin: But the challenge with that is that grief needs to be processed.

Kathy: So would you say that you're a Stuffer too? 

Kevin: Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. And actually, I am not a stuffer. I'm the other kind of griever. So the second kind of griever are the sharers. Right. So you're a stuffer, but I'm actually a sharer. So the sharer expresses their grief any chance that they can get. And they do this for all sorts of reasons. But some of the most common reasons or the ones that I've experienced myself or I've heard are “I'm being vulnerable and authentic. That's why I'm talking about my grief”. Or, “I don't want to be superficial. That's why I talk about the hard things”. Or, “I like connecting with people. We should all talk about this stuff more often”. Or, “sharing my story makes me feel less alone.” 

Kevin: You see, the main obstacle and tendency for sharers is to externalize their loss through story, hoping to diffuse the pain. In other words, if I get my pain out, I can get back to myself. So where you see, the main tendency of stuffers is to utilize silence and hoping that they can digest the pain, it's the sharer who tries to externalize their loss through story, hoping to diffuse the pain. What we need to move away from is the silence or the story. Move away from trying to digest or diffuse and try to rethink about how we can process our grief. 

Kathy: Right, but what I don't understand the question is what's wrong with sharing your story? Isn't that what the whole goal would be? 

Kevin: That's a great question. There's nothing wrong with sharing your story, but we all know those people who share the same story over and over and over again, especially as it's related to somebody that they've lost or something that they've lost or a change that's happened in their life. We refer to these people as being "story stuck". I think we've all been there in our lives, though there may be something in our life right now that we're stories stuck in. And what happens is that we're telling the story again and again, feeling the emotions, the highs and lows of the experience, but not processing the underlying pain and the trauma that that story caused in our lives and the identity shift that's come from that loss. 

Kevin: And so it really requires, whenever you're getting into story of stuckness, it usually requires some type of professional help so that somebody who's trained in processing that story to help really break it down and get you to that meaning making in order to find a way forward through it. 

Kathy: Okay, so that makes sense. So for the sharers, story stuck is the issue, but for stuffers like me, how do I break my cycle? Is there something that I can work on? 

Kevin: Yeah, so I think it's really just about building a practice of externalizing that pain, and a few simple ways to do that is through journaling. Oftentimes the stuffers are naturally introverted, and so journaling is a practice that doesn't feel so daunting and overwhelming to talk about your feelings. You get to process through writing. I think also stuffers can practice externalizing that loss through sharing with a trusted friend, inviting them to coffee or a phone call, just to say, hey, I want to share this thing going on with you. I just need you to listen. I'm not asking for advice or for help. I just want to take some time to share with you what's on my heart today. And I'm not even sure exactly what I'm feeling or how I'm doing. 

Kevin: I just want to tell you what's on my mind and have a space to do that. And I know that you're a safe person who could hold that space with me. So I think whether with a trusted friend or in a journal or if you feel like you've attempted those two things and you're still feeling a little bit stuck or feeling silent, reaching out for some therapeutic help might also be wise as well. 

Kathy: Wow, that's really helpful. And so just to clarify, what are the two main ways of processing, again?

Kevin: The two tendencies of grief really are the stuffing and the sharing.

Kathy: Is it a possibility to be a blend of both? 

Kevin: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. This is actually one of the most common questions that we get when we include this in a grief workshop. There's times in your life that you may be stuffing. There may be other times in your life, other types of losses that you share, and there may even be some spaces in your life that you feel comfortable sharing and other spaces where you decide to stuff. And that's natural.

Kathy: That's helpful. And so remind me, what is the practice I can use as a stuffer?

Kevin: So as a stuffer, the tendency is to internalize, and so the practice is to externalize. So what you want to try to do is get the story out. And you can do that through journaling, talking with a trusted friend or speaking to a therapist or a counselor, somebody who can walk you through that story.

Kathy: And then for sharers like you?

Kevin: For folks like me, we must seek ways to focus on our pain rather than the story so that we might begin to process the loss. So Sharers can also utilize journaling, and instead of journaling the story, we can hone in on the pain, hone in on the loss, hone in on the change that's occurring. So what I recommend for Sharers is to move away from narrative journaling and start doing bullet point journaling. And what I would like for Sharers to do in their journaling is to use a list in order to identify the list of losses that have occurred. That's going to help us focus in on the pain behind the story rather than just the narrative that can--

Kathy: Keep us stuck. 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly. It's going to actually help us feel less stuck because we're moving away from that story of stuckness.

Kathy: Well, Kevin, this was all super, super helpful. As we think about the ways that we process our grief, I'm wondering, as we end our conversation, if we could all just pause for a moment and ask themselves this question: are you a Stuffer? Are you a sharer? If you are a Stuffer, what are you currently stuffing right now? If you are a Sharer, what do you need to focus on to process this upcoming week?

Kevin: So whatever you may be coping with, blessings to you.

This episode of “Coping” explores the multifaceted nature of grief, affecting a person physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It highlights the diverse ways people experience and express grief, and the importance of empathy, support systems to allow individuals to grieve in their own unique manner. Hear from Brian, a Be Well Resources community as he shares how he found solace in his faith after losing his wife unexpectedly.

Kevin: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Coping. 

Kathy: We're going to be continuing our series on grief and loss.

Kevin: That's right. Grief is a big and complicated topic. But I want to talk a little bit today about the symptoms of grief. That is, like, what grief looks like, what it feels like, so we can be aware of what grief is and be aware of when we're grieving. 

Kathy: All right, let's get started.

Kathy: The question that I'm often asked is, is there a connection between, like, what's going on in my body, physical symptoms, and grief and loss? What do you think about that?

Kevin: Absolutely. Grief is something that permeates every part of who we are. It is something that touches not just our emotions, which is our common understanding about grief, that it's an emotional thing. But grief transcends our emotions and impacts, as you asked, our physical body. There's physical symptoms of grief, but we also grieve in our minds. It affects our thoughts and the way that our brain functions. It actually changes the actual structure of our brains, but it also affects our spirit too, which is why grief often feels so hard and so overwhelming. It's touching every part of who we are, part of every part of our identity. 

Kathy: So you're saying that each part of who we are grieves?

Kevin: Yeah. Basically. When we think about who we are as individuals, don't often think about ourselves as separate parts. But let me talk about the four major parts of who we are and what makes up our identity. 

Kevin: First is our physical body. We live in a very. Physical centered world. Everything is very tangible and concrete. We like to live in a world that we can see, we can touch. That is reality. And that's the physical body. Then there's this part of ourselves that is the mental body. It is our brain. The way that we think and process and to use discernment and make decisions and solve problems. That's our thinking part of ourselves. And then there's the emotional side of ourselves where we are impacted by the things that happen, the things that we see. We feel a certain way about the experiences that we have. We think about sadness and fear, two major emotions related to grief. 

Kevin: So that's our emotional selves and then we have our spiritual selves. And that spiritual self is the part of us that is transcendent, that thinks about the big picture, that thinks about things that are bigger than ourselves, has the ability to aspire to great things or want to feel connected to a higher power, to the divine. So we have these four parts of ourselves the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual. And so when we grieve, we grieve in each part of who we are. Each part of our identity experiences grief in different and complex ways. 

Kathy: So can you take us through each part and explain the different symptoms?

Kevin: Yeah. Why don't we do that? So when we think about grief in the physical body normal signs of body grieving include acute pain, especially, like, in the back and the stomach and the neck, disordered eating. So whether you start eating too much or not enough or forgetting to eat altogether dizziness, extreme fatigue. Headaches, nausea, any mixed up sleep cycles, whether you're sleeping too much, too long or not enough. And finally, sensitivity to light. These are some of the main physical symptoms that come up. And then there's heart grieving; grieving in your emotions. So normal signs of heart grieving include feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, fear, guilt, numbness, panic, sadness and shock. Those are some of the main emotions that come up with folks who are grieving. And they're all normal signs of a grieving heart. And then there's the signs of a grieving mind cycling thoughts, foggy mind, lack of concentration, rumination, and a scattered brain. 

Kevin: And these are all very normal characteristics of somebody who's grieving. And then finally, normal signs of grieving in one's spirit include difficulty praying and meditating distant from God or higher power, despair, doubt, hopelessness, and a sense that life is meaningless. 

Kathy: Wow, that's a lot. If we grieve, then in all four parts of ourselves, is it possible that one part may present itself as more dominant? Like, for example, your physical symptoms of grief can dominate? 

Kevin: Yeah, that's such a great question. Exactly. Noticing our specific grief symptoms can help us identify which part of ourselves is grieving. And it is true that sometimes one part of ourself is more dominant than the other, that we lean into one part of our identity for grieving.  So we all know those folks who, when they. Are going through a hard time, are trying to figure out what happened, why it happened, what they could have done differently. Those folks are often the thinkers leaning more dominantly into their thinking self. 

Kevin: Then we know those folks who are very emotional, who may be crying a lot, expressing a lot of emotion. We most often attribute this kind of behavior to lament like a public mourning, allowing their emotions to be seen. And then we have those who are spiritually dominant. And these folks are the ones that hyper-spiritualize their grief and their loss and try to make sense of it in light of their faith, belief system, asking, where is God? What is God doing through this? Why would a good God allow this bad thing to happen? And then there's those that feel their grief most dominantly in their bodies, that they feel the aches and pains of the loss. We know about the broken hearted syndrome that one of the main valves in the heart actually shrinks when someone is grieving. Aches and pains in the stomach, headache, feeling really tired, all those sorts of symptoms occur in the physical body. And so when we pay attention to our grief symptoms and recognize which part of our self we're grieving with, it helps us better able to attend to our grief. That is, we can begin processing our grief, transforming it from grief. That is the experience that happened into grieving. That is where we are empowered and where we move forward after the experience and begin again. 

Kathy: Thank you so much, Kevin. It was very, very timely and excellent. And I know that our listeners will benefit greatly from this conversation.

Kevin: Yeah. When you think about the four parts of ourselves, when you've grieved, which part of yourself do you feel like is most dominant? 

Kathy: I think that it appears for me in my mind. I'm a deep thinker, and so attempting to replay conversations or events or the cycling of thoughts, scattered brain, not being able to focus, focus, I think, is a huge sign of a grieving mind. So I definitely would think that it appears most in my mind. And then the reason I know that too, is not being able to shut off my mind. If I go to sleep, when I lay down to sleep, then that's where it's appearing. 

Kevin: Yeah. I also have seen you, like, when a tragedy happens right away, whether it's national news or in our own life, the first thing I see you doing is jumping online, finding a new story, trying to read up about it, gather all the information about it that you possibly can. All signs of a grieving mind. Thank you, Kathy, for sharing. And the way that I want to end our episode today is to share a conversation that I had with one of our community members, Brian Jepsen. He had a pretty significant loss in his life just a few years ago, and I sat down with him for a conversation where he shared with me about that loss and about how his grief symptoms showed up for him. So let's listen to that now.

Kevin: Well, Brian, thank you so much for joining me today. I'm so glad to have you here with me. And thank you for your willingness to share with me a little bit about your story. 

Brian: Thanks. My pleasure.

Kevin: So, you know that the topic that we're discussing this week is on grief. Can you share a little bit about your experience of grief and how it showed up for you and your life?

Brian: Yeah, a little bit of background. I lost my wife of almost ten years unexpectedly and suddenly a little over three years ago. And that was it was a shock. It was something I wasn't prepared for, and it changed who I am, and really, that change occurred slowly, but I think it turned out to be a rich experience. And I started kind of the journey with shock, to be honest, a feeling of nothingness. I was surprised. I couldn't understand why I wasn't more emotional. I was emotional, but it would pass quickly, and it was just it manifested itself in little pockets. And that happened for probably a couple of months, and then I entered a period of just severe depression. The bottom fell out. That was a scary time and a lot of changes. I felt exhausted, fatigued. I felt sick a lot. You know, had some some times I contemplated some pretty pretty destructive things. Yeah. And those were hard months.

Kevin: And in those dark times, how did you reach out for help? What kind of support did you have in place? Where did you seek out the light?

Brian: I didn't have a lot of support in place. Elizabeth and I were homebodies. We didn't do a lot. We didn't have a ton of friends. We weren't real social people. I had my work friends. They were helpful. What I had to rely on was the the enduring lessons that my parents had taught me about God and my faith. I have mixed feelings about some of the ways that I was reared. Very conservative household. But one thing that became very clear to me throughout this was that my parents had instilled in me this idea that when things fall apart, you must rely on your faith. And that's what I did.

Brian: I think the turning point for me in all of this was a friend of mine sent me a book called Heaven, and it was all about heaven. The premise was we spend so much time, or ministers spend so much time in seminary going over these hardcore, doctrinal philosophical concepts, but don't spend a lot on the concept of heaven. And so this book was a study of heaven, and it brought me the first little ray of hope throughout that time that I had seen. And I grasped it, and I've been grasping it and moving forward with that faith journey ever since.

Kevin: What advice do you have for those that may be dealing with their own loss that may be currently grieving right now? What advice do you have for them?

Brian: That's a hard question, because the one thing that I can tell you about loss is that I don't know. I don't know how to bring comfort to other people. I don't know how to ease the pain. 

Kevin: Right. 

Brian: What I can tell you is I believe strongly that we'll see our loved ones again. And that is the one thing that propels me through life to this day, is the fact that I know I'll see Elizabeth again. And if it wasn't for that, I'm not sure that I'd be able to make it. And so it's that hope.

Kevin: Well, Brian, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Thank you for your vulnerability in the way that you have described your loss. I appreciate your time today. Thank you. 

Brian: Thank you.

In this episode we talk about 4 common misconceptions about grief and explore the difference between grief & grieving. Listen in as we as we dive into this challenging topic. Whatever you may be coping with-- Blessings to you...

Kathy: Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Coping. On today's episode, we're starting with this question that I want to ask you first. Kevin, having worked on the front lines of grief and loss the last couple years, what's one misconception that you have learned about grief and loss? 

Kevin: I think a very common misconception, and one that I believed myself was that other people have it way worse than me, so my grief doesn't matter. 

Kathy: Yes, that's one that I've heard as well. And on today's episode, we're going to be talking about other misconceptions about grief and loss. 

Kevin: Let's get started. 

Kathy: So as we begin our conversation, I think it's important that we begin to understand the relationship between grief and grieving, because it's the way we work through these two that are very different. Those are two different things. 

Kevin: Yes, absolutely. I'm actually in the middle of reading a new book out called The Grieving Brain, written by Mary Francis O'Connor. And in the very intro to the book, she says this you may have noticed that I use the terms of grief and grieving. 

Kevin: Although you hear them used interchangeably, I make an important distinction between them. On the one hand, there is grief, the intense emotion. That crash is over. You like a wave, completely overwhelming, unable to be ignored. Grief is a moment that recurs over and over. However, these moments are distinct from what I call grieving. The word I used to refer to the process, not the moment of grief. 

Kathy: Such a deep explanation of a very complicated process, but it's very accessible at the same time. 

Kevin: Absolutely. I love the distinction between the two, that there's a difference between the experience of loss, the grief that to us, the moment, the event, and then how we participate in our grief. By grieving. By processing that grief. 

Kathy: Yes. And I think a lot of conversations I have with students around grief, which is that first definition is they don't understand that. And many of us didn't. I didn't. That loss comes in many forms. We often think, oh, it's the loved one, a divorce, but it's jobs, financial losses, pets, illnesses, and then something that we teach about ambiguous loss. 

Kevin: Yes, exactly. This term, ambiguous loss, coined by Pauline Boss, who uses this term ambiguous loss, to describe those other kinds of losses, the ones that we don't typically associate with grief and grieving and loss. And we like to say ambiguous loss is the kind of loss that doesn't have, like, a Hallmark section to send a card for condolences. Like, gosh, your car broke down and now you're having to it's in the shop. 

Kathy: Your car was totaled. Yeah, your car was totaled. It's not a car is totaled section of cards. My car was a loss last year. Nobody sent me a card for it. 

Kevin: Right. Right. Oh, your basement flooded because your pipe broke. My condolences. Sorry for your loss. There's just not a section. We don't typically associate grief to those kinds of losses, those kinds of life disruptions and challenges that we face. 

Kathy: And there are other misconceptions, not only about what losses, but then what we believe about grief and loss. So today we're going to discuss what we think are maybe the most four common myths. There are many more. We're just going to focus in on these myths today. So myth number one is my loss is small compared to others. 

Kevin: Yeah. So this is kind of what I just talked about in what I believed, that because other people have it way worse than me, somehow my grief doesn't matter or it's smaller, so I should be grieving less than somebody else. This is a myth because the reality is the worst kind of grief is your own. And we all have to deal with what we're going through in our own personal life. That creates the kind of empathy and compassion that connects us to other people in their losses. If we're only focusing on the losses that other people are dealing with and we're not dealing with our own, we don't know how to show up for them because we're not showing up for ourself. And so while perspective is helpful and gives us the ability to draw connections between our loss and other people's, that perspective should draw us to connect us to our grief and connect us to other people's grief and loss and create that sense of common humanity. But if it's the thing that's causing us to ignore our own grief or downplay our own grief, I think we're missing the mark on what the beauty of grief can be. 

Kathy: And that leads us to our next myth. Which is what? 

Kevin: Ignoring my grief will help it to lessen. 

Kathy: Right. And the analogy I often use, and this actually happened to me last year, was if the indicator warning lights, I had three going off on my car one afternoon after picking up kids. If I would chose to just ignore that and not go to the mechanic, how would the car be magically fixed? Right. So, same for grief. We think, oh, if we just ignore it, it will just go away. Um, but the truth is that unprocessed grief metastasizes and grows. 

Kevin: That's so true. I think a lot of people don't know what to do with their grief. And so they have witnessed other people in their family, their parents, people their age, just continue on with life and think that that's the way to go about soldier on. Just a soldier on. And to compartmentalize the grief. We don't have a lot of good models of grieving and not a lot of space to process that grief. And so we think that just ignoring it is a sign of strength and a sign of just pushing through and being tough. And I think this myth is exasperated by our next myth. And that myth is time heals all wounds. Meaning that if I just let enough time pass by, that I'm just going to get better magically. So I think ignoring it and thinking that time passing will make it better, kind of go together and feed each other and get people stuck in their grief. Wouldn't you agree?

Kathy: Yeah, definitely. Because the issue is that time doesn't heal all wounds, but grief changes as time goes on. Grief changes as time goes on as we do. So I guess that leads us to our fourth myth. And this is this one we have grappled with forever and that's that grief is linear and happens in stages. Can you talk about that one? Especially in regards to the famous book?

Kevin: Yeah. So Elizabeth Kubler Ross has this book, The Five Stages of Grief, where she describes the different experiences of grief. And one of the common misconceptions about the five stages of grief in particular is that they are stages that you go from one stage to the next. And the reality is, grief is not linear. You can go from one experience of grief to another and also be experiencing one experience of grief and another at the same exact time. And so Elizabeth Kubla Ross even described in one of her last books that it's one of her regrets of her work being misunderstood, that she never intended it to sound like they were stages that you moved through, you graduated through, on your way to acceptance, and instead that grief is much more like a roller coaster. And I often say that if you are one experience one day, another experience another day, or in one moment, you're feeling one thing and in the next moment you're feeling another, that's normal. And I'm most comfortable with folks who are moving through grief in that way. What's most concerning is if you get stuck in one experience of grief. So if you're feeling depressed all the time everywhere, or if you're feeling angry all the time everywhere, or you find yourself bargaining everywhere all the time, I'm more concerned about somebody who gets stuck in one experience of grief versus somebody who is kind of up and down all around in, like, a roller coaster type. 

Kathy: Well, thank you so much, Kevin. This has been an excellent discussion on grief and loss, and I know it's helped so many out there. So to end our time today, I wonder if you all can just pause and reflect with me for a few moments. If you'd like to grab a journal, you can take that time right now. Or if you just want to listen, that's all right, too. But right now, let's pause and reflect. Today we reviewed four myths of grief and loss. And I wonder which one of those resonates most with you today. 

Kathy: Myth number one my loss is small compared to others. My loss is small compared to others. Myth number two ignoring my grief will help it to lessen. Ignoring my grief will help it to lessen. Myth number three time heals all wounds. Time heals all wounds. And finally, myth number four grief is linear and happens in stages. Grief is linear and happens in stages. So I wonder which one resonates most with you as you have that one in your mind right now. I want you to ask yourself the second question. How will you notice this pattern of thinking this week? How will you notice this pattern of thinking this week? So please know that we are here to support you in your journey of grief, and we'd love for you to reach out if you need any support. So. Whatever you may be coping with. Blessings to you.

This bonus episode Kathy will read an adapted version of a prayer written by Jackie Trottman. 

"Dear God, In the noise and busyness of life, I thank you for opportunities to slow down, tune in and become attentive. 

I am aware of the world around me.

I am aware of the tone of my voice – how I talk to others and how I treat others.

I am aware of how I talk to myself and treat myself.

Thank you for your perfect love. Because of this love, I treat myself and others with loving kindness.

Help me to practice awareness in all areas of my life.

Help me to be aware of your presence in my life and in the world.

Help me each day to become more aware of my body and spirit.

Help me to listen to your voice which guides me in all areas of my life.

Through your power and presence within me, I know that I can handle any challenge with grace. 

Help me to bring this quiet peacefulness and awareness to each day.

Amen."

In this episode we explore "Awareness" as a practice for Coping. We talk about the 3 levels of awareness and offer real-life examples for each. Listen to the end as we conclude with an awareness prayer. Many blessings to you.

Kathy: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Today's episode we're talking about awareness. 

Kevin: Yeah. And awareness seems to be a really popular topic right now. I feel like all of the current spiritual practices out there that are being promoted are like meditation and yoga and even the enneagram are promoting mindfulness and awareness. 

Kathy: Yes, definitely. So in this episode, we're not only going to be defining and discussing awareness, but we'll also be giving you some practical tools and tips that help you on the journey to better awareness. 

Kevin: Let's get started. Wow. So awareness such a big topic here. Where should we begin? 

Kathy: Well, the good old dictionary, Miriam Webster, defines awareness as the knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists. 

Kevin: Yeah, I feel like that's helpful. Right? Because what I think this definition is getting at is that awareness is more than thinking. Right. Because while thinking is a function that the brain performs, Awareness is that higher level functioning. It's like the brain becoming aware of itself almost. Right. In other words, the brain is thinking about thinking. 

Kathy: Whoa. I think we're getting very meta here. 

Kevin: Actually, that's funny that you say that. It is very meta, very self referential. I mean, when we talk about mindful meditation, we're talking about the ability to become aware of oneself. It's really what sets us apart from the animal kingdom. Our brains are wired for meta. To go beyond, to think bigger. So how do you think that awareness plays a role in our everyday lives? It's important to know that there's three different phases of awareness and entering each phase promotes a higher level of awareness. 

Kathy: What are they? 

Kevin: The first and most common is what we'll call post awareness. That is, after a situation or an encounter you take the time to think about it, to ponder and process what happened in hopes of gaining wisdom and doing better. 

Kathy: Yeah, that sounds like something that either we really want to do but we don't have time to do often

Kevin: Yeah, that's true. I think it's important to say that we need to make the time for it, to make the space for post awareness that after things happen we stop and we reflect on it. 

Kevin: So like some examples like post awareness can be done alone like if you're on a walk, go for a run, take that time to think and to kind of reflect on your day. For me I have a 15 minutes commute to and from work I often spend the time in silence without the radio on to think about my day process like what happened but it also could be done in a journal like if you write like a daily journal and reflect on your day and write your thoughts down. Post awareness can also be done with others though like you can talk to a trusted friend who listens well and asks really thoughtful questions that can be a really good post awareness practice

Kathy: And also meeting with a professional spiritual director, therapist, coach to help you basically sort through and process is post awareness correct? 

Kevin: Yeah, absolutely. Meeting with a therapist, you know, a therapeutic relationship is definitely like an awareness, a post awareness practice.

Kathy: And so we have post awareness; what's the next phase? 

Kevin: So the next level of awareness is present awareness so basically. It's the awareness that happens in the moment, in real time. So let's say, for example, you're in a conversation with a partner and they say something that's triggering and you feel in the moment yourself getting upset. That awareness kicks in where you become aware of what's happening in your body with your emotions like the flood of resentment or anger that rises up in you or you feel your body getting really tense or your mind starts to spin and work really fast. You become aware of what's happening. You don't just react to what they said. That's present awareness. 

Kathy: And is that a natural awareness?

Kevin: It's not something that happens naturally. No, I think what's natural is reacting to what happens. What we're trying to teach with awareness practices is to become aware of how we normally react so that we can instead behave how we want to behave and respond the way we want to respond. We shift our awareness from after the argument to during the argument, where in the moment you see yourself getting upset and that's the moment you can begin to change the way they respond. 

Kathy: It's very powerful. Think about how it would change our world. So I would say it's almost like you are an outside observer when this happens of what is taking place within you. 

Kevin: Yeah, it's almost like I've heard it described as like an out of body experience. For some that could be like a bad thing where you're just like an outsider looking in at yourself. But by taking the awareness that you have of what's happening in your body and making changes in the moment is what we're really trying to get at here. Not just the awareness like the switch flipping on, but how you can adjust in the moment. It's not just happening to you, but you're in the moment able to make change. Yeah, it reminds me of I was attempting to watch the Oscars and the channel wasn't there. 

Kathy: So then I went to help Chat to ask them, like, hey, what's up? What's going on? And they're like, oh, yeah, customers have been saying that they don't have the channel. And I said, didn't you just begin charging us extra money for that channel? And they were like, yes. And I became aware in that moment the frustration and anger rising up within me and wanted to say something unkind to the chat person. But instead, because I realized it, I was able to stop and say, is there any way that you can refund me that money right now? And they were like, no, because your bill or something, blah, blah, blah, you'll have to contact us later. Again, making me aware that I was becoming more agitated. But I said, okay, thank you and goodbye. 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly. That's such a good example because you're becoming aware in the moment that's happening and able to make those adjustments. And, of course, talking to your TV provider about a channel that you're missing versus arguing with your partner. Two very different scenarios. One more high stakes, one more low stakes, but still using the tool of awareness to navigate. I think this really gets us to that third and highest level of awareness. 

Kevin: The highest level of awareness is what we'll call proactive awareness. We begin to recognize patterns in our lives, like, in advance, when we're aware ahead of time. We can identify the spaces and places in our lives that cause us to struggle and to stumble. And we even begin to discern, like, the people in our lives who stress us, who exhaust us, versus those who fill and support us when we're aware ahead of time. We can go into these situations with, like, appropriate boundaries and the kind of self compassion that can impact the outcome of those difficult encounters. This is, again, very helpful, and I think it reminds you of the term that you've used before attentive awareness, what you have brought up in previous workshops, and that's the practice of attending to what is going on inside of us. 

Kathy: And while awareness is step one, being attentive is what will bring about the change. 

Kevin: Exactly. Being aware of something is great, but how are you attending to it? What are those changes you want to make in your life of the things that you're aware of? 

Kathy: Extremely helpful and thoughtful on so many levels, these tips today. Thank you. 

Kevin: I should also say that if you're practicing any level of awareness, you're already doing better than most people. I feel like most adults have little to no self awareness and certainly very few, if at all, any practices that promote greater levels of awareness. 

Kathy: Yeah. Thanks so much, Kevin. Well, to end our time today, I thought it would be appropriate to end with a brief awareness prayer. And I'm going to read an adapted version of a prayer written by Jackie Trotman. So whatever you may be coping with today, this prayer is for you. 

Kathy: Dear God, in the noise and busyness of life, I thank you for opportunities to slow down, tune in and become attentive. I am aware of the world around me. 

Kathy: I am aware of the tone of my voice, how to talk to others and how I treat others. I am aware. Of how I talk to myself and treat myself. Thank you for your perfect love. Because of this love, I can treat myself and others with lovingkindness. 

Kathy: Help me to practice awareness in all areas of my life. Help me to be aware of your presence in my life and in the world. Help me each day to become more aware of my body and spirit. Help me to listen to your voice which guides me in all areas of my life. 

Kathy: Through your power and presence within me, I know that I can handle any challenge with grace. Help me to bring this quiet, peacefulness and awareness to each day. Amen.