Corey Ryan Forrester’s Rants and Such!

In this episode of the now defunct WellRED podcast spin-off ‘Bubba Shot The Podcast’, the boys (Trae Crowder, Drew Morgan,& Corey Ryan Forrester) discuss one of their childhood favorites: Seminole Wind by John Anderson. That twang so familiar you could pick it out of a lineup from 2 miles away!

Enjoy!

PS. Thanks to all of you who have upgraded from free to a paid subscriber this week!!

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life

Don’t like recurring payments but still wanna support? I take one time donations, PBS style, of any amount big or small on PayPal at [email protected]

And on Venmo @ButterCreamCorey

QR codes for both are below! Thank you for your support!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

I rarely drink anymore. It reduced in stages. It went from only drinking every two days or so to maybe once a week. Until last week, I had gone a staggering 17 weeks without a sip. I didn’t make a decision to stop drinking. It’s just that for 17 weeks in a row, coincidentally, I never had the urge to drink. Never once did I consider that my relationship with alcohol was over, but Lord, it felt nice to realize that I had grown up.

I say that because back in my heavy drinking days, I would say to myself,

“Well, one day you’ll grow up and you just won’t want to do it anymore or you won’t have time. You know, like if you have a kid or something.”

That always gave me comfort. But then I saw a bunch of my buddies and people I knew from afar get older, have kids, have more responsibility, have less time, yet still managed to get s*******d all the time and make a mess of themselves. That made me realize that it could easily happen to me (Yes, in case you are new here, there was a brief period where I thought I discovered alcoholism I reckon lol).

And thank God it didn’t. One less thing I have to worry about. The thought of getting blackout drunk right now makes me want to hurl as much as I would probably hurl if I did indeed get blackout drunk. The idea of not being fully present and in control of my faculties while in charge of a 3 1/2 year-old boy is borderline unconscionable to me (side note: I HATE the word unconscionable for reasons I genuinely can’t explain. I guess if I had to try, it’d be that the place you hear it coming from the most is a politicians mouth. That said, I have never once written it down or used it in a sentence and I wanted to at least once. I will never again write it or say it, so take a second to sit in awe that by reading this, you are a part of history! {side side note: why yes, I am insane, why do you ask?}).

None of this is to say that I don’t face random triggers like any other human being does. For instance, if I hear a really good country song, I want a beer so bad I would damn near walk to Antarctica butt naked to get one. But that feeling goes away as soon as I remember that my wife told me she wanted me to help her rearrange the closet later. And before you start questioning my bona fides, I absolutely could help my wife with any household chore while hammered drunk, it’s just not practical. If she’s asking me to help her rearrange the closet, I know that means she will be expecting me to get rid of some clothes to make room. If while doing that, I am “country music drunk”, I will be far too sentimental and refuse to throw away a shirt two sizes too small or too big for me based solely on the fact that I remember when I bought it and how nice of a conversation I had with the old lady selling it to me at the thrift store.

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!.

A recent trigger of mine has been movies. But specifically movies that feature a character pouring a glass of wine. But it doesn’t make me just want to drink. As much as I love beer, that’s not what I’m craving at the moment. And as superior as I find Whiskey, I wouldn’t be tempted, even if it was right in front of me. It is specifically the wine, or probably more accurately, the version of drinking a glass of wine that we have romanticized in books and movies. The drink that doesn’t say you are going out, it says you are winding down. Oh how I crave to wind down.

As it’s often the case, if I’m watching a movie, it is in peak wind down hours. I’m already laying down on the couch with a beta blocker, let’s crank this emotional bubble bath up a notch! Last night, I was watching Ronin, a criminally underrated Robert De Niro movie that I am very surprised more people don’t talk about. If they do talk about it, they haven’t talked to me about it, because while I knew it existed before yesterday, it was not on my “things I have to watch” list

(an actual running doc I keep on my phone that is ridiculously long).

None of that really matters except to say that in the very first scene, a glass of wine is poured, and it looks exquisite.

My son had gone to bed early because the next day (today as I’m writing this) was his first day back at school. I’m actually getting to unwind and watch a movie before 9 PM. This is almost unheard of. Sticking to my strict “two glasses of wine only” rule, more time will have passed between the last sip and me falling asleep, greatly reducing any of the painful consequences I might have to face the next morning (don’t get me wrong, I’m almost 40, even two glasses of wine will make me a little hung over in the morning, but not the type that you can’t handle).

This is truly a maybe twice a year occurrence at this point, and who knows how much busier fatherhood is going to make me in the future. To not act upon this stroke of good fortune would be borderline irresponsible.

I went to the grocery store to get my little cardboard, 500 mL box. It’s 3 1/2 glasses it says, but to me it’s two. I know that you are right now saying “ OK Corey so what you said earlier is a lie, you don’t have a strict two glasses only rule, you have a strict 3 1/2 glasses only rule”

No. It is them who are wrong. I pour my glasses the same way I’ve poured my glasses my entire life, and when doing so, finish this little box in two glasses. Science and measurement regulation may well indeed be fact, but I put it to you that if someone experiences the world the exact same way for 20+ years, then we are in no position to deny their lived experience and truth.

As I was in line, looking at the box in my hand, the craving to have a drink left me entirely. I chuckled to myself. Here I come all this way for something and now I don’t want it. Maybe what I wanted was just the ritual, and driving to the store and back was good enough.

I was next in line and there was somebody behind me, so I wasn’t going to go back and put it away. I get embarrassed easily at little s**t like that. I can’t have someone thinking that I just checked my bank account and it turns out I can’t afford this four dollar carton of s**t wine. I’ll just buy it now and put it in the fridge, and next time the mood hits, I won’t have to go through all this.

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!

I was so proud of myself. When I was in my younger days and the mood hit me, I would’ve already had the top off while standing in line waiting to pay for it. But now I’ve got it in my hand, and it may as well have been my dad’s wiener I was so unattracted to it.

The girl asked for my ID and I showed it to her.

The young woman exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear:

“Oh wow. We were born only 4 days apart!”

I fired back in a thick dad accent (ironically, I thought)

“Ha! Welp I bet it ain’t the same year!”

She looked at me and said

“Oh god no, you are actually 3 months older than my mom”

I went back and got the larger box of wine.

More later.

Corey

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

Here’s a little WellRED podcast early edition for you guys! Drew was off today for his birthday, which allowed me and Trae to nerd out a little bit about stuff he wouldnt give a s**t about (see: anything fun!)

Also if you stick around for the end, you can hear me read my new Dolly story, but I am also going to be uploading it for its own post!

Love you all and hope you have a great night!

Corey Ryan Forrester’s Rants and Such! is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

Hey y’all! What started out as me just wanting to read you a short three minute forward from a book naturally turned into a 20 minute rant!

I hope you enjoy it and I hope you are having a great Sunday! Looking forward to a lot of fun things on the Substack this week…. Thank you as always for making it possible for me to live my silly little dream!

Want to get a unique gift for a loved one? Consider booking me on Cameo! Cameo.com/CoreyRyanForrester

Can’t afford one? You know I’ll work with ya! Just email [email protected] and explain what you need and I’ll do it on the house!

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!

Don’t like recurring payments but still wanna support? I take one time donations, PBS style, of any amount big or small on PayPal at [email protected]

And on Venmo @ButterCreamCorey

QR codes for both are below! Thank you for your support!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

For this week’s episode of Thoreau Back Thursday (which if you’re just joining us is where, every Thursday, I read an old poem or essay etc and analyze it) I am breaking form a little bit to honor the late great Dolly Parton, a true poet who we tragically lost this week.

If you have never heard this song, please do yourself a favor and rectify that RIGHT NOW!

Hope yall are enjoying this series! Love yall!

More later

Corey

Corey Ryan Forrester’s Rants and Such! is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

Me and the boys got the news right before we hit record so we apologize for the somber tone of this podcast, but it is an absolutely devastating thing that has happened. RIP to our undisputed Queen

(This is the WellRED podcast, which will be released wide tomorrow morning as it is every wednesday, but I assumed you all would like to hear it now)

More later

Corey

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

enjoy!

Hey Free Readers! Did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!(I’ll still love you regardless!)

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

Here Are The Links to Parts 1-3 in Case You Need To Play Catch-Up, & The Video Above Is Me Explaining My Absence. I hope you understand. I Love You

Here We Rest Part 1

Here We Rest Part 2

Here We Rest Part 3

Here We Rest Part 4

I sat there and looked at where that scar used to be for way too long.

Hell, how long had it been? I wondered. Which made me realize if I was still sitting there wondering all of this, then it was probably taking even longer than I thought.

I pulled my eyes up real quick and made eye contact with Sheriff Stevens. I was sure I had just freaked everybody out, but I tried to remember what that shrink told me once: “Your paranoia gives you a false sense of reality. You make the worst out of every situation in your brain. No matter what, I promise you it’s not as bad as you think.”

Sheila then asked if she could speak to me outside.

“What the f**k are you doing? You are freaking everybody out!” she said.

Goddammit, I knew it. One thing that f*****g shrink never said, but should have, is that just because I’m crazy don’t mean I ain’t right sometimes.

“Look, it’s nothing,” I said. “I guess I’m still just a little bit in shock from what I saw earlier.”

“Are you still drinking?” she asked.

“Still drinking? What do you mean still drinking? Don’t you mean ‘am I drinking again?’ I sobered up, remember? I told you I would—” I said, not sure if I even believed myself.

“Listen, Sonny Boy—”

“Oh, goddammit, so I’m still Sonny Boy to you too, huh?”

She took a step back. “Listen—”

“Chickaluki is a very small town, with only one liquor store, might I remind you,” I interjected, trying to change the subject, “and it’s about goddamn time, too. Hell, everybody on the council knew this entire town was drunks, but for years we had to go across state lines to get anything stronger than a beer, and our hard-earned money went with us instead of going back into the community. I mean, it’s just plum ignorance at this point. Of course, they say things only get better one funeral at a time.”

She started shaking her fists and running in place, trying not to start punching me.

“Goddammit, quit acting like it’s fine. Quit acting like nothing is wrong with you. Quit acting, period!”

This stung. I could say nothing. I let her continue.

“You ain’t stopped drinking. That’s just what you tell people when they offer you one and you’re too hungover from the night before.”

Goddamn, she knew me. I hated that.

“And you and the word ‘sober’ ain’t been acquainted since I’ve known you. You seem to think that just means you ain’t falling-down drunk every goddamn night. Even when you do manage to put the bottle down for longer than College Football Bowl Week, you’ll still sneak a toot with Bubba. And that ‘emergency bottle’ you kept in the cabinet for your back pain? I’m not an idiot. I could hear you refill it every week. Sorry to finally let you know that even though you gave it your best effort, our sink ain’t that loud when you run it, Sonny Boy!”

I didn’t have anything to say. And even if I did, it wouldn’t have mattered.

“Goodbye, Sheila. I won’t bother you no more,” I finally said as I walked away.

She protested briefly, but I know that was only out of some sort of guilt. Guilt that she didn’t even deserve to feel. She’d given me a dressing-down. She’d been mean. But weren’t a speck of it a lie.

There are some things I’m about to tell you that don’t make sense. At least in the way we’ve come to understand the world. But it’s possible that your world isn’t my world. That’s how it has felt for the most part of my life, but something really snapped loose around this period. I don’t know if it was what Sheila said to me or what. There’s clearly been something wrong with me as long as I can remember, but it had at least always felt like it was rooted in the real world.

Now, I’m not so sure.

I got in my truck and began crying. Deep, panic-soaked sobs. The kind of crying you do as a kid when you can’t use your words. And I couldn’t. I was hyperventilating, but at least no one was there to see it. I don’t think I could have stomached that. My air conditioner was shot, which wasn’t helping. My tears and sweat became one, and I was drenched from head to toe with misery and shame.

I flicked on the radio, and it was on a station I didn’t recognize. “Mack the Knife” was playing, and somehow I knew all the words. They poured out of me like I was being asked to sing at gunpoint.

Oh, the shark, babe, has such teeth, dear

And it shows them pearly white

Just a jackknife has old Macheath, babe

And he keeps it, ah, out of sight

You know when that shark bites with his teeth, babe

Scarlet billows start to spread

Fancy gloves, oh, wears old Macheath, babe

So there’s never, never a trace of red

“Mack the Knife” is such a popular song that it would almost be statistically impossible for a man of my age not to have heard it many times over. But this was the first time I’d actually paid attention to the lyrics, and they were somehow coming out of my mouth. I’d never known this song was about a murderer. The name should give it away, but I’d never thought too much into it. It’s absolutely insane that this song was such a mainstream hit, played at parties with people of all ages, no parent ever concerned about what their kid was hearing. Lucy and Ricky couldn’t even share the same bed or say the word “pregnant” on air, but this song about a knife-wielding criminal from across the pond is a family-friendly tune so long as it’s got a big band playing behind it.

Through the duration of the song, I had calmed down and stopped crying. Against better judgment, I thought that maybe stopping for a beer would make me feel better. It no doubt would in the short term.

I grabbed my rearview mirror and pulled it toward the driver’s side so I could check the situation with my eyes. I didn’t want anyone to know I was crying, or have them think that I was stoned out of my mind—even though people probably thought that anyway.

The mirror short-circuited.

I’m aware that mirrors can’t do that, but I’m just telling you what I saw. It glitched back and forth, and when it finally came to rest, the Me that was in the mirror was not the Me I knew. I was wearing a newsboy hat, and I had quite the tan.

My truck was not my truck, either. I appeared to be in some classic from the thirties. I got out, and sure enough, it was a bright yellow Packard with black trim and yellow wheels. I had dreamed about this car before, and that’s surely what I was doing then. Except I could feel the heat coming off the engine. Lucid dreams are a real thing, and I’ve had experiences with them, but you can’t actually feel anything. That’s a pretty standard rule for dreaming.

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!

Of course, it’s possible that I was dreaming this feeling. The brain is complex. Even mine. I reckon it could simulate a feeling close enough that it could trick itself while deep in REM.

I walked around for a minute and tried to figure out where I was in my dream. I was parked in a vacant gravel lot, and there was no sign of civilization as far as my pitiful eyes could see. I really needed to get them checked. Sheila was always on my ass about that. But there was no time for that at the moment.

I crested a slight hill and noticed a gas station. A filling station, rather. That’s what they called ’em back in the old days where I’m from, and in this dream, I was clearly in the old days. There were men outside helping people, and they were dressed like the Maytag Man. This was like a scene from a movie that the DMT was firing out of my brain. I thought it was quite possible I was dying.

The people outside acknowledged my existence with …

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe

For this week’s old school poem, we are reading Robert Frost’s most famous. Hell it might be the most famous poem in the world for all I know!

Not only do I read the poem, but I also discuss some potential misunderstandings of the text!

Hope y’all are enjoying this series and you have a wonderful Thursday!

More later

Corey

Y’all, did you know that while you can always listen /watch what I do for free, if I could double my paid subscribers by this time next year, I could justify being a stay at home dad who does nothing but writes and podcasts for you? A long time dream of mine! Help me make it come true if you have the extra coin and my work brings value to your life!

Don’t like recurring payments but still wanna support? I take one time donations, PBS style, of any amount big or small on PayPal at [email protected]

And on Venmo @ButterCreamCorey

QR codes for both are below! Thank you for your support!

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit coreyryanforrester.substack.com/subscribe