Courageously Mom-Encouragement for Parents of Children with Special Needs, Autism Moms, ADHD

You're not happy.  You feel angry and bitter.  You hate feeling this way and you may not even know what is bothering you...or maybe you do.  Maybe you're struggling to forgive someone and carrying that hurt.  Maybe you're struggling to forgive yourself?  Forgiveness can be so hard especially when the pain is so deep. BUT Forgiveness is often the answer and first step to being able to move forward, grow and become all that you're supposed to be...and that includes Happy. It's hard to move forward when you keep looking back so it's up to us to make the decision to let go of it all so we can be better for ourselves and for those we love.

A new year is a time of hope and struggle for every person. In this podcast, Tanya will discuss three goals that can help special needs moms to get through the challenging moments. this year and throughout your life.

The New Year is a good time to take a look at your life and see what you want to change. Here are 3 important goals for special needs mom:

1. Take care of yourself: find ways to take care of your physical and mental health so that you can be the best mom for your kids.  If you don’t recharge yourself how can you be there for your special needs child and the family

Getting a diagnosis can be a shock for a parent. The fear of the unknown, the fear of what's going to happen to their little one can make them feel overwhelmed. This is when faith and hope come in to keep us going through this tough time. Sometimes it feels like there are no words for what you're feeling, but there are ways to find comfort in knowing that others have been in this position which offers help in understanding.

In today’s episode Tayna discusses her top three fears and how faith has helped her on days that seemed long and hard.   Many parents experience that feeling of the fear being greater than faith and hope. Tanya encourages you to pray, to show up as you are. To ask for continued strength, but also wants to encourage you to see what is already inside of you. 

Parents of autistic children want to give their kids the best life possible and this often means letting them go and getting as much independence as they can. They understand that their kid has a different way of thinking and often work with them to help foster their independence.

In today’s episode, Tanya discusses the challenges that arise when your child starts advocating for more independence.  Do you let them make mistakes or do you take control and handle it to avoid heartache? It is also important for parents to find the balance between giving too much help and not enough help.

As a parent of a child with special needs, the holidays can be tough. This is because you often need to plan ahead to accommodate your child’s needs and this can come as quite the surprise to your family. Listen to this podcast for some tips on how to survive the holiday season as a special needs parent.  Tanya discusses what she has done to help sooth her child from sensory overload and about being a picky eater.

Listen to Tanya’s tips on how to enjoy the holiday season. Have that extra glass of wine or piece of pie!  She provides suggestions on what you can do to make life easier for yourself ahead of time. You'll find that everything will go smoother when it comes time for your holiday celebrations.

Show notes:

Hi everyone. It's Tanya I'm back after a long hiatus of recording any episodes and my apologies. Life was, or has been completely overwhelming and hectic. And I know if anyone understands that it is the moms that are listening to this podcast. So I thank you for your understanding. I'm happy to get back to this and share what's been going on because life the last six months has definitely given many, many topics to talk about here.

So what am I going to be talking about in this episode? The first episode back? Well, I've got to be talking about careers, motherhood, and autism, and all the good stuff that goes with it.

Like, do you stay at work? Do you go back? All those things that I have personal experience to talk about. And so let's get to it.

Hey, Courageous Mom. I want you to know that you are so brave raising those children and giving everything you have for everything that they need. I've been there and understand what it's like to feel like you're lost. To feel tired and so completely overwhelmed. Hi, I'm Tanya and an autism mom. This journey is not an easy one.

It's been demanding and confusing, but it's also been massively life-changing in a great way and has brought me more joy and more laughs than I could ever imagine. You shouldn't walk alone. And that's why I felt called to create this community. Here, you'll laugh. Find joy. Hear inspiring stories along with support and some tough love to begin your journey back to you again.

You have permission to take care of yourself, to go after your dreams and to be happy and fulfilled every day, even on those tough ones. So let's do this journey together, gracefully, boldly, and courageously.

Transcription:

All right. So let's get started. I have lots to tell you. So what I have been up to in the last almost six months is that I officially went back to work. And, you know, I have always been working to some capacity, but I'm talking about going back to finance, which is what I did prior to going on maternity leave with my son, who was my first child.

 After returning from maternity leave to that old position and company trying to juggle motherhood and just he from day one just required so much that it felt impossible to do a great job at work and to be the employee that my previous employer was used to. Just that woman that would stay till work was done, I would put in extra hours and often would go above and beyond.

But obviously that changed when I became a mom. I am still doing the work that needed to get done, but those days of going above and beyond, I will admit they were gone because I had someone else that took priority. I, I was a mom now where  before my career, that was really all I had to focus on. I mean, obviously I was a wife as well, but my husband, you know, he can take care of himself.

Well, I can, most days I'm kidding. No kind of I'm joking kind of, but anyways, so becoming a mom, it was just a really big shift and it came to a point with my son where, when we tried to do the daycare, I would say he was about 16 months, that's when I really started to realize that something, you know, was just not right.

 It was like a month after dropping him off and I thought it would get easier, but it never did. So daycare was just not an option. He would just scream from beginning to the end of the day.  The daycare providers at the center,  they were great, but my heart would break every single time. And they would say, oh, just give it more time. But I knew that there was something else going on. So my husband and I basically were like, you know, passed the baton, just he would work the late night shift and I would work in early morning and leave around 2:30 , 3:00 come home. Literally, he would just pass my son to me and he'd go off.

And that is how we operated for the first two years of my son's life. Well, almost two years, because I know that I made the tough decision to leave my job and my career at about, I want to say he was almost 18 months. So  we were burnt out. We couldn't do it anymore, but I think we hung in as long as we did because financial reasons.

And I think that's why a lot of people are stressed because it's not easy and feasible for every single person and couple to have one person stay at home and then there's the single moms out there that are doing it completely alone. And God bless you because I see you. And I know that you are doing both roles and you are working when you are just so exhausted and then you're coming home and trying to be everything to your child or children.

 And then on top of it, You have to worry about therapies and IP's and managing appointments and that's a full-time job in itself. And so for moms of children with special needs, that is a really hard job to do on top of working and having a career and trying to manage a household and your other child.

Being a stay at home mom is just not for the faint of heart. I will always say that.  I think that there is this misconception that stay at home moms, just, you know, lunch and have play dates. And yes, there is some of that, but when I decided that it was time for me to stay home, that wasn't what my life looked like at all. Especially as my son became a toddler and then a preschooler, and then I became pregnant with my daughter, and then we moved closer to getting a diagnosis for my son. There was just never a dull moment. There wasn't any downtime. It was just filled with complete chaos. And much of, it seems like a blur.

And I often say that when I'm looking at pictures from when my son was a toddler and my daughter was first born. I feel like, of course I remember it, but I feel like I didn't enjoy it as much. And I wasn't as present because my mind always had 1,000,001 tabs open. And I know you get this. I know you get what I'm saying right now.

And when I speak with other moms, I think, you know, we're all in the same boat and we've all experienced the same thing. We are sleep deprived when our children are young. And it's kind of impossible to completely enjoy the moment when you're sleep deprived and your cranky, you're hangry, because you're just living off of, you know, leftover chicken nuggets from your child or like pizza crust and you're not taking care of yourself.

So you're giving your complete all to another individual and everybody else in your household. And basically, I mean, you aren't just barely surviving. Right? So I was fortunate to make the decision that I could put the job career on hold. And luckily I've had my real estate license for almost 20 years now.

And I have always, done real estate to some capacity over the last two decades. So I have been very fortunate to have that, but real estate is obviously not a regular salary, right? So those regular paychecks were no longer coming in, and that was something that we really missed because we needed it.

Especially when you have a child that needs extensive therapies.  My husband has great insurance, but the copays, I mean, there were points where we were paying probably about $200 a week just in copays. And that was just in therapy for my son.  Never mind the appointments for his neurologist, all his assessments and God forbid I get sick. My husband gets sick or my daughter gets sick. I mean, those are just all additional copays.  I mean, we were just starting to see the bills rack up and if real estate was going well, then yeah, it was good. You know, I just keep charging everything on a credit card and then when a commission came in, I would pay it off, but what happened when business was slow? you know, I'd be showing house after house and writing offer after offer, but nothing was getting accepted, but you're putting in the time and you're working amongst everything else, but you're not getting paid. So those credit card bills are still racking up and you have nothing coming in to pay it off because luckily, my husband's salary was enough to obviously pay the essentials, like the roof over our head or utilities, food, those types of things. But you know,  this is real life. So other things would pop up or go wrong or needed to be fixed within the house  and we'd have to pay those. So then eventually you're falling behind on other things, you know, and it's always credit card credit cards.

So we got to a point where the credit card debt was insane. And then, you know, I'd have a great year in real estate and then we'd get back on top and then it would not go so great. And the cycle was just never ending and it was just this up, down. And it completely consumed me because I was so exhausted from living like this.

But going back to work back to the career that I had prior to be coming a mom and making the salary that I used to make it wasn't an option because there wasn't an employer out there that was going to allow me to have the flexibility that I needed to be the mother that I needed to be. And I mean, it is so unfortunate  that was the case and probably just  one of the very rare things that were great about the pandemic is the fact that it really has changed the way that, you know, a career looks and where you work and the remote options have obviously changed that and made it so much more possible for a mother like myself to get back to it.

So that's what I've done. And the pandemic definitely with being home with the kids and just needing sort of a break from always being there and sitting by them when they were in their classes. Well, mostly my son, my daughter is very independent and did very well  with doing the whole remote school thing, even though she much preferred to be at school in person, but I was just, I was tired and I wanted something else for myself. And yes, there are many other things that I love to do. 

 Uh, none which have made me money yet, but doesn't mean that I won't pursue those things, but real life is that, you know, I wanted to get out of debt. I wanted to be able to, you know, go back to traveling and going out and enjoying life.

Once this whole pandemic is completely over. And I think I just reached that point where I was like, okay, I can't take this. Enough is enough. Like I'm able to work. So it's time to go back to it. And I think my mind craved it as well and wanted to use it for something else.  So I took advantage of the remote option and got a position just working 100% remotely.

You know, Just having that steady income coming in on top of doing some real estate transactions just really helped tremendously with getting back on top and paying down debt.  The pandemic and not being able really to go anywhere, was really great because we've cut our budget in many ways.  So I took the opportunity of being stuck in the house for the last  18 months to, you know, tackle that debt.

But then once the world started to open a bit, I actually ended up getting this other job offer someone found me on LinkedIn and it was like, almost like too good to be true. One of those situations where you're like, no, this, this can't be real. Like seriously, they're offering it to me. And I pursued it.

I really wasn't looking because I was completely content with just being at home remote. And I felt like I was actually getting somewhere and still being able to  be a present mom and I felt really good about myself because I was contributing back to our finances and, you know, being able to breathe and sleep at night because that debt wasn't constantly weighing on my mind.

But I guess the reason why I'm sharing this all with you is because this is a really big thing that so many families with kids with special needs go through. You know, the decision, whether, you know, to have that one parent stay home  or, you know, a single mom trying to juggle it all and trying to figure out what the other options are because maybe your working right now, and there's no possible way that you could do your job remotely.  I get that. I mean, my husband is in that position and, you know, he luckily has a great job, very stable, and he has great benefits. So him staying home, I mean,  that wasn't even an option.

Obviously the person that would have to stay home would have been me. It just would of made more sense.  It doesn't mean that it wasn't easy because if you're a mom and you are trying to decide whether you should stay home or continue working, it's a big decision because you may be feeling, you know, resentment or bitterness on why it has to be you, that gives up your career.

And I mean, I get that. I do because I think that's a whole another discussion is that in itself, is that, you know, as a mom, we feel the pressure to do it all. It always falls on us and we're always looked to, to be the ones that will make those types of decisions more often than the men do. So you've got that and then you also have maybe the financial stress of it all.  What do you do if you have to continue working and your job is just not something that you can do remotely, then looking into other options is definitely a possibility. I mean, some options may mean that you're not making as much, but if it's possible, they're definitely are positions out there. And I can tell you that because I definitely have done that. And at one point I was working in a school and it was actually the same school that my children went to and I worked in their office. So I was still using a lot of the finance part of my brain and, you know, managing all their tuition because it was a tuition-based preschool. 

So I was creating all the invoices and tracking all the payments and doing all that accounting, which again, you know, kept my skills fresh and keeping up with the Excel and all that stuff. So those were ways that, you know, although it wasn't really close to what I was doing prior to having a child.

It still was something. And it was definitely good for me personally, to feel like I was contributing, but I will tell you that the pay was like next to nothing. You know, it really wasn't much, but it had great hours. I had the summers off and I had every vacation with my children off. So schools are in great place for positions for mom that really needs to be with her family.

 And her kids when they're not in school, but also needs to work, whether it be for her own sanity or money.  If you have a side gig that you've been doing is it possible that you could do that on your own. I mean, I am an entrepreneur  that is who I am to my core. Like that is, that's just who I am.

And in this time, in the past 13 years, that was also something that I did. And I've mentioned that I had my own business and gym and I did that once both of my kids were in school and I was training early morning or training at night. I was also crazy to think  that's all I would be doing as a business owner. Now those years, I do not know how I did it all.

I was completely overwhelmed, but I definitely loved it because it was, it was my business. It was, it was my baby. It was something that was, was me. And when I was there, I wasn't a mom. I was just a business woman. I think sometimes when. You're a mom, especially when you're a mom and you've been staying home all the time.

And that's,  your sole role in life at the moment. You almost want to be seen as something else. And there's a part of you that craves the former life that you had before you became a mom. And listen. I think, you know that, I mean, it's not that I don't adore my children because believe me, I love those children more than anything in this world, but there's so many other things that I also want to do and accomplish and dreams that I have that have definitely been put on pause.

And I say pause, and I've said this again before, too, is there just on pause for the moment because you're going to have other time to do this. Okay. But right now we've got big things in front of us with making sure that we help our children to become the most independent and successful human beings that they possibly can and they need our support.

So with me going back to work, I love it. It's great. It's going well. I accepted that other position and I'm enjoying it. Is it my dream? Is it my dream job? No. My dream job is still to have my own business and do the things, but I really love, but for now I am very happy knowing that I'm back at work. I'm using my brain.

I'm seen as something else other than just mom. I am contributing to my household. I have dug myself and my family, like out of debt, obviously in conjunction with my husband, but it is an amazing feeling to have that weight of all that debt off my shoulders and to now not feel so guilty if we want to get away for the weekend or we want to do a project on the house.

Those are all things that have been great in addition to not having to stress about being able to pay the copays and get my son into some of the classes or therapies that aren't currently accepting insurance. Those are the things that we weren't able to do before  and now we can suddenly look at them again.

And listen, it is not all sunshine and roses. And I share this not to be like, oh, yay me. Like we're doing great. Now, listen, I am simply sharing all of this because I'm trying to give you hope because I'm telling you I've been at rock bottom and we have been in crazy debt and I've had many sleepless nights.

I've wondered and have cried my eyes out, trying to figure out how we possibly do it all. How do we give my son what he needs, my daughter, what she needs, and still be able to pay all the bills and keep the roof over our head. I mean, there were points where we only had enough to make the payment on the house and the cars and get some groceries.

And you know what utilities, oh, well, you'll have to wait.  I was constantly pulling from this to pay that, like, , it was insane. And I share all this because I know I'm not alone in any of it. And you may be in the middle of making a decision to whether or not you should stay home. Whether or not, it's time to switch careers.

Maybe you need to work nights. Maybe you need to reduce your hours and go part-time. Maybe you need to look at a school position, something with mother's hours. I wish I could tell you that this one podcast episode would have all the answers and blueprints for the rest of your life to help you make the decisions, in order to make your life easier, but obviously not the case. I'm just hoping that my experience in pretty much having seen, you know, at the beginning of having to make the decision, trying to work different jobs, to make it all work. And the time that I had to do that to my children, being a little older now to where I can actually get back to the workforce and take advantage of the remote hybrid work era that we're in right now, which I highly suggest.

So if you're in a position where, you know, it could be done from home guaranteed, there is a company that is hiring and they're looking for remote people. So I really recommend that you start searching for that. I'm not saying drop your job right now before you even have another one, but it take a leap of faith and start looking.

It's there and you just have to seek it out. You need to make some decisions, again, not easy ones, but as mothers, our children are always going to come first. And we knew that when we became mom. Now, if you have a child with special needs well, obviously you have another thing on your plate and you can sit there and be sad about it and stressed and overwhelmed.

Again. I'm not saying that you don't have the reason to be because you do, you have every reason because it is a lot. It's overwhelming. I've live it on a regular basis. And I know you do too, but we love our children and we got to do what we got to do and we have to take action. So. Get your cry on when you need it.

And then wipe those tears off that pretty face and take some action and listen. Any change is going to be scary, whether you decide to finally start freelancing on your own so that you have the flexibility or you decide to stop working altogether, or you decide to finally go back to work. Oh that is scary.

Been there, done that, but I'm telling you, you can do it. Okay. I've got you. I'm cheering you on. So if you want to continue this conversation, why don't you come join us on the Courageously Mom Facebook Group? And if you want to talk about any of what's on your mind or any of the decisions that you need to make, share it there and let us support you and encourage you.

So it's time for me to jet. And I just want to thank you again for taking the time to listen. It's good to be back. And I am reminding you that you are so brave and you've got this.

Hey there, me again. One more thing before you go. Thank you so much for listening to the Courageously Mom Podcast. I hope you come back to hear some more and if you enjoyed this, don't forget to subscribe, share, and leave a review.

https://www.courageouslymom.com/

Things never go as planned and no one knows this more than a mom to a child with special needs. However, with prep and introducing some useful tools you may be able to make it a little less stressful for you and your child. And on the days when that still doesn't work...well then you lean on God, ice cream and your fellow Courageous Moms!

We have all been there as Parents of children with special needs....We're out, we want to be present, we want to enjoy the moment but it's sooooo hard for many reasons but especially when your fears of what others are thinking about your child start taking over your brain.  It's never easy but especially after a year of quarantine.  I forgot how to do this and need to train myself all over again to get my thought under control and to try to just enjoy the moment.  Let them judge.  Perfect is boring anyway...

April 1st marks the beginning of Autism Awareness month. However, as a Mom to an autistic child, we are very much aware of Autism in this house.  It’s not just a month here…it’s an everyday thing.  But prior to his diagnosis, I was just aware of Autism.  And, I’ll admit I was also scared of it, too. Because when you’re just aware, you just know the medical model and the disorder that Doctors and Researchers will talk about but you don’t really know much about it.  Autism Awareness is easy and focuses on the differences and stereotypes. Autism Acceptance requires understanding and acknowledging that we are all different and awesome in our own way.  Acceptance is celebrating all abilities and supporting each person so everyone gets to live their best life and have opportunities to do all the things they want to do.  Acceptance is completely free of judgement but is full of kindness and respect. 

This conversation is long overdue. For some reason, we don't talk about our mental health or if we're struggling with depression in fear that we would be judged. However, it would be totally acceptable for me to tell you about my sinus infection and how I'm taking medication for that.  Because we don't talk it about it more, people suffer silently and sometimes until it's too late.

I'm only one person and if my sharing of my struggles with depression can help only one person, then I am so glad that I shared my story.  I understand how depression can have a grip on you that you can't explain.  I know what it's like to feel that as a young single woman and I also have experience in dealing with depression as a Mother.

 I share my story to give someone hope because there really is SO MUCH HOPE. I understand rock bottom and remembering that place and knowing where I am now is my why on my decision for this episode.