Cover My Ass

On their 12.5th anniversary, all is not well in the Royal Bedchambers: Queen Bacheloretta is on Second Love and King Pitty is on Grindr. Foolishly trusting their inept marriage counselor to juggle the need for galactic peace while the mismatched pair of Royals desperately try to "get some while the getting's good", the galaxy slides toward disaster and war until rockstar wedding planner Susan Black is summoned from retirement to shake things up.

— "Better to Ask Forgiveness" by Christopher Stasheff

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The Court Wizard has a side business selling 'used dragons', but his carefree hustling days are numbered once he accidentally fulfills a tragic Princess's prophecy and discovers Fate has not only a cruel sense of humour but also the tax department on speed-dial.

— "Her Majesty's Wizard" by Christopher Stasheff

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With thanks to Clickhole (of all things) for providing a prophecy generator! 

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The extinct planet Earth is an intergalactic LARPer's paradise. All the cool continents are already claimed, but two robots discover their tiny allotment was once the Holy Seat of a global religion. Their role-playing, philosophical and cosplaying fun takes a turn for the real when they discover the only remaining multicellular life on the planet and must decide: was the Burning Bush literal or metaphoric?

— "Project Pope" by Clifford Simak

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The little town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania, struggling to rebound after the closure of its electric novelty crucifix factory is beset by a swarm of turtlenecked, espresso-swilling, horn-rimmed Satanists drawn in by its Authenticity.

A conflict of biblical proportions brews between the Dark Prince and their traditional nemesis: the interim chairperson of the Homeowners' Association.

— "The Devil Finds Work" by Michael Delving

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You’ve enjoyed the noir classics The Big Heat and The Big Sleep; now try…

The Big Eye!

"My partner Denton Wrinklesuit just ain’t cut out to be a private eye. Always trippin’ on sidewalks, takin’ his dates and their perky nipples down with him. Well, buddy, try doin’ a stakeout as a very public eye like me. It’s goin’ real great — I’m sure nobody’s noticed me up here, just like I didn’t notice that goddamn skyscraper that just socked me right in the cornea.

These people. Maybe if I had a jaunty bowtie, they’d find me less frightening. And the warning I boomed out was about an eye dilation, since I’d just been to the doc — not sure where they got annihilation. “Red peril”, they call me. Well, maybe I do need some drops... and I’m sure I need a drink."

— "The Big Eye" by Max Ehrlich

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With special thanks to Friend-of-the-library Glimmerstomp for this week's synopsis! 

Also thanks to @ladyaeva for https://twitter.com/ladyaeva/status/1215717975711473664.

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Objection!

Daytime TV star Romula DeDeridex is mistaken for the galaxy's brightest adjudicator and kidnapped to mediate between two galactic empires — literally cats and dogs! — vying for custody of their recently-discovered ancestral homeworld. With the threat of war looming overhead, Romula must come to grips with the complexities and seductions of... Space Court!

— "Between Darkness and Light" by Lisanne Norman

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K coins a phrase. Khaki keeps an open mind.

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The wise intergalactic mediator Ming the Motiveless struggles to maintain democracy and peace among the stars when the charismatic Yale poloist Flash "Yeet" Gordon sets out in his rocket-ship Manifest Destiny to colonize uncivilized space by spreading the gospel of neo-lib capitalism and training malcontents in guerilla tactics to install regimes friendly to Flash's imperialist interests.

— "Black Star Chronicles" by DJ Arneson & Tony Tallarico

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K is into loot boxes. Khaki is just happy to be podcasting again.

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Since the discovery that drinking dissolved unicorns enhances magical ability these glorious creatures have been poached to the brink of extinction, depleting the world's ambient levels of magic and exacerbating the demand — only our young, responsible heroes stand in the way of thaumaturgical disaster!

— "The Unicorn Solution" by John Lee

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K has tips for ebook readers. Khaki says "monocerops" and doesn't pay enough of a price.

With thanks to Friend-of-the-library Ryan Campbell who wrote "6 Unbelievable Facts About Unicorns"

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In a society where the quaint custom of 'Stealing the Bride' is taken very seriously, Susan Black's career as a wedding planner is about to make a meteoric rise when she lands the contract for the crown prince's upcoming nuptials, which take on the scope of a land war in Asia or invading Russia in winter.

— "Rules of Engagement" by Elizabeth Moon

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K 'doubts continue to gnaw at him. Khaki recites his favorite German idiom.

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A bumblebrained young blunder-dunce is mistaken for an eccentric prodigy and tasked with creating wondrous new technologies to safely exploit the Arctic mineral resources. Together with his well-meaning but equally incompetent friends, Tom Swift nobly strives and disastrously fails to live up to his parents' rose-tinted expectations, to the ruin of all who believed in him.

— "Tom Swift and his Atomic Earth Blaster" by Victor Appleton II

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K 's patience wins out over his suspicion. Khaki is... not himself.

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