Creature Crunch

We watch and outline a movie that we both remember being a lot better than it actually is: The Relic (1997). Join us as we take a journey through a poorly-lit museum, lament the fact that we can't see the cool monster when it looks the best, and marvel at how horrendously insane the fire suppression system is in this death trap of a museum. Then, stick around as we crunch up a creature that'll eat your hypothalamus: the Kachunka!

Spoilers ahead.

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "Museum of idiots" by They Might be Giants

Background music: The Relic Soundtrack

We watch and outline South Korea's highest grossing film: The Host. Join us as we follow the Park family's tribulations in the wake of a monster of a virus, learn us some Korean culture, and then laugh as Matt just can't say a simple line. Then, stick around as we crunch up a creature that'll put you right in quarantine: the hypochodricarp!

Spoilers.

Crunch begins around 01:06:30.

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "Mudskipper" by Lisasmith

Background music: The Host OST

We watch and outline a wild take on the Cthulhu mythos: Call Girl of Cthulhu. Join us as we are charmed by some charismatic (if bad) actors, marvel at how sex-positive a movie like this can truly be, and really strive to make this a not family-friendly podcast. Then, stick around as we crunch up a creature that is totally in the public domain: the Door of Cthulhu!

Spoilers.

Crunch begins around 54:00.

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "The Innsmouth Look" by The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets

Background music: "New Cults" by the Night Birds

Hosted by weaponized sound: Chris.

Screaming is a hell of a drug.

Wait, what?

Advice to players: PUNCH SOUND. DO IT COWARD.

Stat Blocks

Stat Blocks on D&D Beyond

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Great Lakes Avengers" by Kirby Krackle

Whoopsie, the audio screwed up during the crunch on this one and we didn't bother re-recording it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We watch and outline another classic monster movie: Tremors 2: Aftershocks. Join us as we yet again imagine what this movie could have been, celebrate the movie we got, and make a m̴͕̃į̵͠s̵̰̕t̶̥̚ä̷̺́k̵͙͋e̶̱̽ ̵̠̆í̵͚n̸̹̓ ̷̟͂ṫ̴͕h̸̤̀e̵̙͌ ̷͉͒c̶̤͆r̶̿͜ǘ̵̢ñ̶̠c̵̻͒h̸̜̆. Then, stick around as we crunch up a creature that absolutely breaks the 5e system: the Heat Screamer!

Spoilers.

Crunch begins around 01:09:00.

Audio bad times: 01:11:30 - 01:17:25

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "Story of a Worm" by Sarah Maddack

Background music: The only soundtrack track I could find

We watch and outline a unique take on the Phantom of the Opera: A Monster in Paris(2011). Join us as we bask in Sean Lennon's angelic voice, pint out the plot holes in a children's movie, and question what the hell Thomas and Martha Wayne are doing in Paris. Then, stick around as we crunch up the just the sweetest flea: the Heartfelt Strummer!

Spoilers.

Crunch begins around 54:38.

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "Le Fantôme De l'Opéra" by Robert Marien

Background music: A Monster in Paris Soundtrack

Hosted by telescoping unknowable being: Chris.

Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Or just get a pair of stilts. You know, whatever works.

Advice to players: When you wear stilts, your head is always in the clouds.

Stat Blocks

Stat Blocks on D&D Beyond

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Great Lakes Avengers" by Kirby Krackle

We watch and outline a movie involving Matt's current obsession: Monster Hunter (2020). Join us as we educate on our limited knowledge of the video game series, restrain ourselves from gatekeeping a Hollywood director, and watch a two hour trailer for a sequel that'll probably never happen because of China. Then, stick around as we crunch up the most iconic of Monster Hunter monsters: the Wrath of the Sky!

Spoilers.

Crunch begins around 1:13:30.

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "Monster Fighting Time" by Parry Gripp

Background music: Monster Hunter Movie Soundtrack

We watch and outline the oldest movie on our show so far: The Tingler (1959). Join us as we contain our own screams, get an education in some solid science, and drown in everything Vincent Price. Then, stick around as we crunch up the most spine-tingling creature yet: the Vibrator!

Crunch begins around 54:00.

Stat Blocks

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Tumblr

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Monsters" by Gothminister

Interlude music: "Spine" by They Might be Giants

Background music: Movie too old (or something).

Hosted by Chris. Hopefully, the real one.

What's furry, green, and looks like a goblin? The Jackal of course! This man does a lot of cloning and no apologizing, so strap on your Spider-man pointing at Spider-man meme and jump on in!

Advice to players: Just let the copies duke it out. Only the real one will win. *wink*

Stat Blocks

Stat Blocks on D&D Beyond

Patreon

Email

Twitter

Matt's Twitter

Chris' Twitter

Theme music: "Great Lakes Avengers" by Kirby Krackle