Dads With Daughters w/ Dr. Christopher Lewis

In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis welcomes Jacob Taylor, also known as the Fairway Father, to discuss the journey of fatherhood and how to raise strong and independent daughters.

Christopher starts by emphasizing the importance of learning from fellow fathers and their diverse parenting approaches, highlighting that there's no single right way to be a dad. He introduces Jacob as the guest, a father of two girls, and expresses his excitement about their conversation.

Jacob shares his memorable moment of finding out he was going to be a father to a daughter during a C-section when he announced, "It's a girl." He describes the immediate and intense love he felt, a unique kind of love that he believes can't be experienced elsewhere.

Christopher reflects on his own experience of becoming a girl dad and the journey of raising his daughter, who is now a college freshman, and how time flies.

Jacob talks about cherishing everyday moments with his daughters, from engaging in their hobbies to answering their innocent and thought-provoking questions. He shares a touching memory of watching a sunset with his daughter and discussing the concept of God, which left a profound impact on him.

The conversation shifts to the fears associated with raising daughters. Jacob discusses his initial fear of not understanding how girls think or act due to growing up with all boys. He worried if his daughters would connect with him or prefer their mother. However, he soon realized the misconception, as his daughters developed unique personalities and strong bonds with him.

Jacob offers insights into building individual relationships with each daughter by adapting to their interests and personalities. He highlights the importance of spending one-on-one time with each child and adjusting the way he interacts with them based on their preferences.

Balancing various roles as a father is a challenge many dads face. Jacob emphasizes the need to make thoughtful decisions about hobbies and activities that align with healthy family values. He shares how he reconstructed his hobbies to include his children and create opportunities for shared experiences.

The term "girl dad" has gained popularity, partly thanks to Kobe Bryant, who celebrated his role as a father to daughters. Jacob discusses what it means to be a girl dad, emphasizing the responsibility of setting an example for how daughters should be treated by men. He advocates instilling self-worth, self-image, and the idea that being a girl brings unique opportunities and strengths.

Jacob's project, Fairway Father, is introduced as a platform to encourage fathers to involve their children in hobbies, particularly golf. He believes that golf teaches valuable life lessons such as resilience, dealing with imperfection, and maintaining integrity.

Jacob elaborates on the parallels between golf and life, citing examples of how both involve facing challenges, making mistakes, and learning to adapt. He emphasizes the importance of patience and integrity, values that golf instills and that can be applied to life.

Christopher shares his daughter's experience of joining the girls' golf team in high school and how the mental aspects of golf and teamwork can provide valuable life lessons. The discussion highlights the broader importance of getting kids involved in activities they enjoy.

The episode concludes with a reminder of the significance of actively engaging with children, fostering their interests, and being open to learning from them as they grow. Christopher and Jacob affirm that it's not just about sharing your own passions but also discovering and nurturing what makes your children unique.

The Fairway Father project aims to encourage fathers to bond with their children through golf and other shared activities, promoting not only quality time together but also valuable life lessons.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources. And more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. And as always, I love being able to be on this journey with you. Every week we have an opportunity to talk with one another, to walk with one another in this journey that we're on, to raise amazing girls into society today, helping them to be strong and independent, and helping them to find the success that we want for them in life. Now, I say that knowing that there's not one right way to do it. There are so many ways in which we can father. There's not one manual, but we can learn so much from the men that are around us, that are fathering in their own ways, who are learning from other fathers around them and learning from themselves as well. And we can learn from them.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:14]:

So every week, I love being able to bring you different guests, different people that are fathering in different ways that you can learn from, that you can take and be able to see what works, what doesn't work, and incorporate some of those things into your own lives. Today we've got another great guest with us. Jacob Taylor is with us, and Jacob is known as the Fairway Father. We're going to talk about what that is here today, but he's a father of two girls, and we're going to be talking about that as well, of course. And I'm just really excited to have him here today. Jacob, thanks so much for joining me.

Jacob Taylor [00:01:53]:

Oh, thank you for having me. I'm excited.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:55]:

I am excited to be able to have you here to talk to you about the journey that you're on. And one of the first things that I love doing is I love turning the clock back in time. So I'm going to go all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head?

Jacob Taylor [00:02:08]:

Oh, man. So we actually kind of went a nontraditional route and decided not to find out what we were having. And so the moment that I found out was actually in the operating room, we had a C section, and I actually got to announce to the operating room, it's a girl, and just soaking that all in with the realization of, like, this is real. I am a dad. This is my little girl. It was just incredible. I always tell people it's a type of love that you can experience anywhere else because it is an immediate, intense, full on love. Other relationships, you fall in love, you get to know them, but as soon as you see that little face.

Jacob Taylor [00:02:52]:

It is, I am all in. I will do anything for you no matter what. And it's only gotten better from them as well, which is just amazing to even say out loud and comprehend that.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:05]:

I'm smiling because of the fact that your journey in the start was very similar to mine, because we didn't find out as well. And we ended up in the emergency room doing a C section. And I got to say, the doctor is like, tell us what the gender is. So I'm looking and I'm like, oh, it's a girl.

Jacob Taylor [00:03:25]:

Yes.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:26]:

So, yes, I remember that very vividly. And that daughter is now a freshman in college, and the time goes by very fast. And as you said, for you, it's gotten better along the way. And your daughters are still young, but you've had those experiences, you've had those memories that you've been sharing with them so far. What would you say has been your most memorable experience that you've been able to share with them thus far as a dad?

Jacob Taylor [00:03:51]:

I think just having them involved in the day to day life, the hobbies, and just some of their questions that they ask at times, just the innocence and their questions kind of makes me stop and think through things I've never thought through before and just experience sunset differently. Probably one of my most cherished memories was watching a sunset with my daughter, and she was sitting there looking all around and asked me, did God make all of this too? And just seeing that go through her mind and getting to have that conversation with her was one of my favorite memories I think I'll cherish forever and has just again changed my outlook on every sunset, which is pretty cool.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:37]:

It's cool. And I think in becoming a father and becoming a father of daughters, there's some fear that also comes in there. I talked to lots of dads, and there's fear that comes with that. And it's not just fathers of daughters, but it's just being a father in general, too. But there is something to being a father to a daughter that I hear a lot of dads say that there is some fear there. What's been your biggest fear in raising daughters?

Jacob Taylor [00:05:00]:

I think my biggest fear, so I grew up in a household of all boys, brothers and cousins, all boys, so didn't really know how girls thought or act or anything until I got married, met my wife and got married. And so just the fear of will I be able to connect with her? Will I have anything in common with her? Or is she only going to be with Mommy? Is she going to want to do things with Daddy? And obviously, as my two girls gotten older, I've realized that is the furthest thing from the truth.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:30]:

So having two daughters at different ages, you have to build those unique relationships with each of them because the personalities are different and they're different people. So talk to me about how you build those special bonds between each of your daughters to allow for them to have those unique experiences and those unique bonds with that.

Jacob Taylor [00:05:52]:

Yeah, I think it's important, especially as the second one comes along because now you're splitting attention whereas the first child it's a lot easier because they are your sole focus all the time. And so I found it easier with my first daughter to have connections because I'm always with her, always one on one. And so when the second one came along I really make more of an attempt to have just one on one time with her and then finding things that she enjoyed more than what my first daughter enjoyed. They're different personalities completely. My first child is very intuitive and very serious and wants to learn and wants to know about every little thing whereas my second daughter is just goofy and fun loving and she just wants to run around and wrestle around and laugh and play and she doesn't need to ask questions. And so changing how I play with them has really helped connect with both of them.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:48]:

Now, as a dad you wear many hats. There are the things that you do for fun but there's the things that you do to be able to sustain the life that you and your family have. Whether that's some of the things that you're doing with Fairway Father or if it is the professional job that you have, the hobbies that you have within your life. But to do all of those different things, you have to balance and you have to find some type of balance. So talk to me about balance. How do you balance all of those different things to be able to stay engaged and present with your daughters?

Jacob Taylor [00:07:28]:

That is a tough one. Being a dad can bring on a lot of stresses that honestly you're not prepared for. Always tell people whenever they're looking to start that journey of becoming a father that you really find out how selfish you are with your time. And it's a big adjust because now all of my decisions impact my children. So the things that I choose to pursue impact my children. My hobbies that I get into impact my children. And so I have to be really diligent on choosing Hobbs that my children can participate in hobbies that are healthy, that I want my children to maybe follow in or to emulate or to have lessons from. And so that's really how I've had to kind of reconstruct.

Jacob Taylor [00:08:14]:

I could go out and hang out with the guys every other night and bar hop and do this scene. But is that really healthy for my girls to see and to have daddy away from them doing those things? Or is it healthier for me to get into a hobby such as woodworking that I can take them out in the shop and actually show them I'm doing and teach how to use the tools. And golf, I can involve them in that for it. They can ride in a cart with me. They can go to the range with me. I can teach them how to do those things. So I think reconstructing my hobby was the biggest thing for me to be able to still participate in their day to day lives and just having that selflessness with my time of realizing that I may have to miss out on a couple of things. And that's okay if it means spending more time with them and being more involved in their lives.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:04]:

You and I got introduced to one another through a tweet that you put out there. And I responded to it because you were talking about being a girl dad. And I saw a picture of your daughter and you and golfing, I guess for you, girl dad has been kind of a hashtag that's been out there for a number of years now. I kind of came into the light with Kobe Bryant and then went from there for you. What does being a girl dad mean?

Jacob Taylor [00:09:31]:

So, for me, I think being a girl dad brings in this added responsibility when it comes to being a father. I need to lead in a way that shows my daughters how they should be by a man. So I want to emulate how any man in their life should treat them. I need to walk that out with my wife. I need to walk that out with how I treat them, how I speak to them. I will not raise my voice to my wife or to my children if that's not what I want them to expect from other men in their life. I think I also need to really preach self image and self worth, unfortunately. I know a lot of women struggle with that.

Jacob Taylor [00:10:12]:

Being in the field that I'm in, I've studied that quite a bit. And trying to instill that you are worthy, that you have worth, that you are special as a woman, I think that's really a message that I have to carry. And then showing them that you have so many great opportunities because you are a girl. Because you are a woman and there are so many wonderful avenues for you, be it academics, sports, Hobies, whatever they want to choose to do that you don't use it in spite of being a woman, that you get to pursue this because you are a woman. You have special abilities that men, most men do not have that makes you so special. And so I think that's really kind of the drive that I have with being a girl dad is just raising them to be proud of who they are.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:04]:

I've mentioned a couple of times the hobby, the passion that you have for golf, and that you have a site called Fairwayfather. So talk to me about Fairwayfather.com and what you've created there? Why did you decide to start this platform and what are you trying to teach other dads through this?

Jacob Taylor [00:11:22]:

Yeah, absolutely. So Fairway Fathers is a new thing that I recently started earlier this year. And the purpose of it is to encourage other fathers to involve their children and their hobbies in their life and particularly golf, because I see that as such a great avenue, especially for young children, for young girls. I think there is just so many opportunities in that game. I think golf instills a lot of important morals. I think it instills character. It's one of the sports that you can hide yourself. It's one of those sports that really uphold integrity.

Jacob Taylor [00:11:56]:

Integrity is such a big part of the game and so I think there's a lot of values that can come out of that game. And so my goal with Fairway Father is just to encourage fathers or parents to get their kids out into that game so that they can learn lessons and also want to involve the fitness side of it, the nutrition side of it, setting healthy habits and lifestyle choices in front of your children and walking through that with them. Because making those choices are difficult at times and it's not always the easy thing to do, it's not always what you want to do, but you owe it to your children to walk that out with them. So Fairway Father is just kind of a way that doing carriage to help people understand how they can get into the game of golf and how they can get into other hobbies and lead their children through those things.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:45]:

So you mentioned the fact that you see a lot of parallels and things that can happen in the sport of golf that parallel life and parallel things in life that you're hoping to teach your own daughters and that you're hoping that other fathers can teach their children as well. Talk to me about some of those things that you have found as someone that has been in the sport and that enjoys the sport, but now that is trying to instill that in your own daughters. What are some of those life lessons that you're trying to impart?

Jacob Taylor [00:13:17]:

As we watch the pros play right now, it's coming to the close of the season and so really good tournament. We're watching these guys that are professional, this is their life, this is their livelihood, this is what they do every single day. And when you look at their scorecard, very often you see a perfect scorecard. You don't see a birdie on every hole, you oftentimes see bogeys. So even the best guys make mistakes and that's kind of the same way of life. We can do everything exactly right. We can go to the most, see the school. We study as hard, we can make all the great test grades, we can set up our 401 the best way that we know how to, all of these things that we can work on.

Jacob Taylor [00:14:04]:

But something may still happen. Can hit a sprinkler head. And as ball launched 30 yards over the green, and life works like that, too. You may have a car accident on the way to work that now you don't have a car. You may have an injury or sick that sets you back, and you may lose your job because of it. And life happens like that. There is no such thing as perfection in life. And I think golf really teaches you how to handle whenever something comes up like that, you kind of have to brush it off and move on to the next shot.

Jacob Taylor [00:14:37]:

So same thing with life. Someone gets thrown in your face if you sulk over it. Your next decision is probably not going to be as good, and then your next decision is probably not going to be as good. Or you can adjust your mindset and say, okay, this happened, it stinks. Here's what I'm going to do better next time. Here's what I'm going to change next time. I think golf is just a great life teacher. A lot of patience can be taught through the game of golf.

Jacob Taylor [00:15:04]:

And again, like I said, integrity is in the game of golf. And so I just think golf has such a great parallel with life if we really study the game and consider our life while we're out there playing the game.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:15]:

So talk to me a little bit about your kids are still young, and you've got what, four year old and.

Jacob Taylor [00:15:22]:

A two year old?

Christopher Lewis [00:15:23]:

Two year old. So teaching some of those lessons is going to be in kind of those incremental steps. What are some of the things that you've done so far, especially with your four year old, let's say, that have started to help her to understand some of these concepts.

Jacob Taylor [00:15:40]:

I think as kids, especially, they want to do it the right way the first time because they see maybe Daddy hit the ball and he hit it really far. Well, when I hit the ball, it doesn't go very far or I miss whenever I swing. And so you kind of have to teach them to laugh through their failures. Do it again, try again. Oh, wow, you hit it further than last time. And so I think putting it into perspective is really helpful when it comes to life lessons of it's not going to be perfect, and Daddy doesn't expect you to be perfect. Daddy is not perfect. Daddy does not expect you to be perfect.

Jacob Taylor [00:16:14]:

And so I love golf because there's just so many little lessons like that of we can practice really hard and we still mess up, and that's okay. That's the fun of the game. That's what makes the game fun, is the ball doesn't always go straight. And if it doesn't go straight, well, guess what? We get to go find it and hit it again, and we may see something really cool over by the water that we wouldn't have seen whenever we were in the fairway. And so just trying to make things fun, making golf attainable, making success isn't getting the ball in the hole for them. Success is making it three holes while still being excited and still being engaged.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:51]:

Now, you've been doing this for a little bit of time, and like you said, it's newer, but what kind of responses have you been getting from other people as you've been sharing this content out with them?

Jacob Taylor [00:17:00]:

I think I've gotten some encouraging responses from other fathers, and I think they've been encouraged to get their children involved in the game. A lot of times, golf is seen as an adult game or an older adult game. A lot of times we see a bunch of older men and women out on the golf course, and you never see children out there. And if you do, it's usually frowned upon, or they're in a cart playing on an iPad, and they're just there because Daddy had to watch the kid today, but he wanted to go golf. So I think a lot of fathers have been encouraged, it's okay if I take my kid out with me to golf or even to the Chipping Green or if I have a golf simulator, I can get them out there and hitting balls or out in the yard. And I think father has been encouraged by that, and I think it's hopefully emboldening them to take them out more and changing that narrative of kids are in the way kids are allowed. Wow, this is a great opportunity to teach the kids the game that we love so that the game continue to grow. I know the hashtag growthegame has become really popular lately, and that's what we're trying to do.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:11]:

I love that, and I think that I've seen in my own daughter's life. She joined the girls golf team when she was going through high school herself. She had never picked up clubs in her whole life and then decided, one day, hey, I'm going to go join the golf team. And I was kind of like, okay. And she had been a soccer player for many, many years, loved playing soccer, but there were things about soccer she didn't like, too. And one of the things she said about golf that she really loved was that it is a team sport, but it's all about mentally where you are. And you have to be mentally ready, personally ready to play a good game to then be able to support the rest of the teammates that are trying to mentally be ready to be on their game as well. And there's a lot of parallels there to life.

Jacob Taylor [00:19:06]:

Absolutely.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:07]:

So I really appreciate you sharing that, because I think that there's a lot of opportunity there for people to be able to whether it's golf, whether it's tennis, whether it's pickleball, whether it's whatever. I think what I'm hearing you say, Jacob, is the engagement piece. Getting kids active, doing things with you as a father, that's the most important piece. As you said earlier, maybe it's woodworking, maybe it's whatever it is. But if your kid is able to actively be involved with you, not only are they going to learn from you, but they're going to love that time together. I talk to fathers and daughters, and sometimes the daughters will tell me about the fact that they're the biggest Green Packer fan is because she and her dad would sit down on Sundays during football season. They would watch, and that would be the way that they bonded, and then that ended up rubbing off on her. And that doesn't always happen, but there are things like that where you have those bonds, those things, and sometimes you have to step back and figure out, okay, what is my daughter really like? What is she into? And how can I get into that too? Because it's not just, let's share everything that I like, but what does she like and get into that too.

Jacob Taylor [00:20:36]:

That is super important because I think it also gives your children a sense of their opinion matters to you whenever you do that, whenever you let them kind of lead. And it's a good chance for you to learn something new and grow in.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:48]:

That definitely is the case. And there's going to be many times in life as your child grows that there's going to be that ebb and flow, and you're going to have to be flexible and allow them to take the lead at times. You're going to take the lead at times, but especially as they get older, you're going to have to let them take the lead a lot more of the time because otherwise they're just going to pull away and then everybody gets frustrated. I've been there, I've done this.

Jacob Taylor [00:21:14]:

Listen, I'm taking notes now.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:16]:

We always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions that delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Jacob Taylor [00:21:24]:

Yeah, absolutely.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:25]:

In one word, what is fatherhood

Jacob Taylor:

Journey

Christopher Lewis:

When was a time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Jacob Taylor [00:21:33]:

I'd say whenever my daughter saw something on TV that a boy was doing, and she looked at it and said, well, Daddy, I can do that too. Even if I'm not a boy, I can do that.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:44]:

Now, if I was to talk to your I'm going to say your four year old, because your two year old might not have a lot to say. Maybe you never know. How would your daughters describe you?

Jacob Taylor [00:21:54]:

I think silly would definitely be a word that would come up. I think she'd probably describe me as snugly because we love our morning snuggle together. My four year old and I and I think she would say strong because she knows that daddy works out and she loves coming out there with me whenever I work out.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:17]:

Now, who inspires you to be a better dad?

Jacob Taylor [00:22:19]:

I'd say I had fantastic role models in my life. My dad was a great dad and my mother was a great mother. But I think the person inspires me the most is my wife. My wife is just an amazing mom. I mean, just leads by example really pushes me to be a better person. And so seeing her, she actually stays at home with our girls. We're able to have her stay at home with my daughters. And so just seeing the effort that she puts into day to day life with my girls and how much she's able to teach them and just every day it seems like when I come home, they've learned something new and they're so excited to share it with me.

Jacob Taylor [00:22:57]:

And then just seeing how well she loves on them, even in times of frustration and times of stress, she just does a great job of still being lovable, being patient. And I take a lot of lessons from her and I think that really pushes me to step up and be a better father.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:14]:

You've given a lot of piece of advice today. You've shared a number of different things. What's one piece of advice you'd want to give to every dad as we finish up today?

Jacob Taylor [00:23:23]:

I would say take into account the actions that you're doing today because it's going to have generational impact. You're not only affecting your daughters, but you're affecting the next generation as well. If they choose to have children, they're going to take a lot of lessons that you've taught them and teach their children and that's going to be passed down the line. Be diligent in the choices that you make and the lifestyle that you live. Choose them over most of your lifestyle habits and you're going to see a lot of fruit from that because they are future. Going out, hanging out with friends, going out on the town like that is not your future. Your future are in the eyes of your little girl.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:02]:

Well, Jacob, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all that you're doing to engage with fathers in fairway father. I'll make sure that people have the link, but if you're trying to find it, it's just easily fairwayfather.com. You can find it there. But I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your journey today, your continual journey today. And I truly wish you all the best.

Jacob Taylor [00:24:27]:

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on. I really appreciate it and this was an awesome time. I really, really enjoyed this.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:33]:

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dads with Daughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:19]:

Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week, all geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give, the lessons we make, the meals we buy them present and bring your A game because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite glass calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men get out and be the one to down be the best dad you can be be the best dad you can be.

Dads With Daughters is part of The Dads Podcast Network, powered by DadsSupportingDads.org

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In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis explores the experiences of being a father to daughters with guest Craig Bennett, a high school football coach. The episode delves into various aspects of fatherhood and raising daughters, offering valuable insights and personal anecdotes.

Christopher Lewis introduces the podcast as a platform dedicated to spotlighting resources and insights for dads striving to be the best fathers they can be. He emphasizes the importance of learning from one another, challenging the misconception that fatherhood must be a solitary journey.

Craig Bennett, a father of two daughters and a high school football coach in Georgia, joins the podcast to share his experiences and wisdom.

The conversation begins with a reflection on the moment Craig learned he was going to be a father to a daughter. He expresses his elation at the gift of having a daughter and discusses how gender wasn't a determining factor for him; he simply wanted a healthy child.

Christopher asks Craig about his fears in raising daughters, and Craig candidly admits that his main fear was being too hard on them due to his upbringing in a rough and tough environment. He shares a transformative moment when he realized he needed to separate his frustrations from his role as a father to protect his daughter from unnecessary emotional baggage.

The discussion turns to the uniqueness of each daughter's personality and the importance of building unique relationships with each child. Craig emphasizes the significance of understanding and accepting their differences rather than trying to mold them into a specific image.

When asked about his favorite activities to share with his daughters, Craig emphasizes that it's the time spent together that matters most, regardless of the activity. He mentions his commitment to spending quality time with his daughters, considering his demanding role as a high school football coach.

Craig talks about the challenges of parenting daughters during their middle school years, highlighting the emotional struggles and societal pressures they face. He underscores the importance of being there to support and guide them during this transformative phase.

The conversation shifts to the topic of work-life balance, a challenge for Craig given his role as a head football coach. He discusses his efforts to compartmentalize work and home life, prioritizing time spent with his family and setting boundaries to avoid bringing work-related stress home.

The podcast explores the concept of being a "girl dad," with Craig expressing immense pride in the unique bond he shares with his daughters. He shares the inspiring story of his daughter's journey to becoming a kicker for Valdosta State's NCAA football team, breaking barriers and pursuing her passion despite challenges.

Craig also reflects on a crucial lesson he learned while coaching girls' basketball, acknowledging that he was overly critical of his daughter instead of enjoying watching her play. He advises fathers to avoid pushing their children too hard in sports and to let them enjoy the experience.

The episode concludes with Craig's daughter returning to his coaching team, offering an opportunity for a renewed bond and shared experiences.

Throughout the episode, Craig Bennett's experiences and insights provide valuable guidance for fathers on their journey of raising strong, independent daughters. The importance of embracing individuality, spending quality time, and being supportive is at the heart of this inspiring conversation.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]:

Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, you and I are on a journey together. We have an opportunity to sit down together, to talk and to learn and grow from every dad that I talk to on the show. And the reason for that is that being a dad doesn't have to be a solitary thing. And so many dads that I've talked to over the years talk about the misunderstanding, the misconception, the kind of societal norms that sometimes make you think that you have to go it alone, that you have to man up, that you have to do all these things to figure it out for yourself. And that's really not the case. There are so many dads that are around you.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:09]:

There are so many dads that are doing the fatherhood thing, and you can learn so many things from them. So every week I love being able to talk with you, but also to bring you dads that are fathering in different ways, that have learned different things, both positive and maybe negative, that can help you along the journey that you are on as well. And that's an important thing because all of us need to understand that we're going to make mistakes along the way. All of us need to understand that we can ask for help. And even if you're not willing to ask for help, you can listen, you can learn, and you can find some new tools that you can add to your toolbox that will help you to be that dad you want to be this week. We've got another great dad joining us today. Craig Bennett is with us and Craig is a main head football coach down in Georgia, and we are going to be talking about his journey as a father of two daughters and learn a little bit more about him and about the experiences that he's had. And I'm really excited to have him here.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:20]:

Craig, thanks so much for joining us.

Craig Bennett [00:02:22]:

Thank you so much for having me. It's definitely an honor.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]:

My pleasure having you here today. One of the first things I love doing is I like to turn the clock back in time. And I know you've got two daughters. I'd love to turn the clock all the way back, all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head?

Craig Bennett [00:02:39]:

Amazing. Just the guy would bless me with such a gift. And I had a brother and there was no daughters in our family, and so he had already had two daughters. My brother and so this was going to be the third granddaughter on our side of the family. So your typical response was, you're a football coach, you had a brother, don't you want a boy? And I said no. I really didn't. I did not care. And when it was a girl, I was elated.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:08]:

So like you just said, someone asked you, you don't want a boy? And you said, Nah, you didn't matter. It didn't matter to you. For you, why didn't it matter?

Craig Bennett [00:03:19]:

Mostly just because I just wanted a healthy child. I mean, that was a blessing from God. It didn't matter to me, boy or girl, didn't matter.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:29]:

So a lot of dads that I talked to talk to me about that when walking into fatherhood, but also walking into being a father of a daughter, that there's a little bit of fear that goes in there. Maybe there's a lot of fear, but there's some fear that definitely is there. What would you say was your biggest fear in raising daughters?

Craig Bennett [00:03:46]:

Probably being too hard on them. Honestly, just growing up on a farm and growing up, my brother, myself, both had opportunity to play college football. And so you had this rough and tough and macho world that we grew up in and just making sure that I was doing the right thing and doing right for her and to her and all of that, unpack that a.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:10]:

Little bit for me. So what did you have to do to be able to, as you said, not be too hard and to kind of maybe soften the outer shell a little bit that you might not have typically done well?

Craig Bennett [00:04:23]:

And I'll tell you, it really goes back to a moment in time, and not necessarily when she was born. We were in a playoff game and still was a young coach and still very immature. And it's very immature as a dad as well. And when you lose a game, you tend to bring that loss home and nobody wants to be around you. And I remember distinctly we lost a playoff game and my daughter, she was a little over one years old, and she comes running up to me and I'm mad and I'm frustrated that we lost. And she has her arms wide open and it hit me really like a ton of bricks that she doesn't care if we win or lose this game or not and why should I let my emotions impact her? And so that moment I decided that I was not going to bring those things home and that was really because of her.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:10]:

Did you have to do anything to be able to flip that switch? Did you have to do some work for yourself to be able to make that happen? Because for a lot of us, we can say it, but to make it happen takes some work and is not always easy work to do.

Craig Bennett [00:05:28]:

Yeah, and I'll be honest, I didn't. The look in her eyes running to me with her arms open, that was it for me. And it was either going to give up this thing you love in your coaching career or you're going to treat your daughter the right way and not take anything out on her that she has no control over whatsoever. So it was pretty instantaneous.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:50]:

Honestly appreciate you sharing that. Now you have two daughters. Everyone that has multiple kids tells me the same thing and I have two daughters myself. Personalities are very different amongst the girls and you have to be able to build strong relationships, but unique relationships with each of your kids. Talk to me about what you've had to do to be able to build those unique relationships with each of your daughters.

Craig Bennett [00:06:15]:

I think just understanding those differences and sometimes we want our lives easy and we want cookie cutter things where everything's identical and it just makes life easy and learned early on they were going to be very different and had to approach them differently, had to speak to them differently. Everything from schoolwork to athletics to social life, everything's different. And thinking, just accepting who they are and not trying to change them or mold them into being the bigger sister or being the younger sister, it was, hey, you guys are very different and we're going to accept that and move forward and do the best we can.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:53]:

So getting to know your kids, you get to also know the things that they love to do and you definitely have specific things that you love to do. As you look at both of your daughters, what are the favorite things that you like to do or share with each of your individual daughters?

Craig Bennett [00:07:13]:

And it's time, it doesn't matter to me. I don't really have a favorite thing I like to do with either one of them. It's just the time that we get to spend. And being a high school football coach, my time is very limited anyway. And so we made an early choice early in our marriage and being early parents to say the time we get, we're going to spend and not bring things home. And I gave up golf because I was 4 hours away from them and spending money and I wasn't very good anyway, so that was easy. But even simple things like, hey, if we're going to meet as a staff, we're going to meet in the mornings. That's when my girls were asleep and most kids are and it saved me some time in the evenings to be able to spend with them and it's just we enjoy being with them and I think they would say the same.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:02]:

So raising kids in general has its high moments. It's got its low moments, it's got everything in between. As you look back at the lives of both of your daughters, what's been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter?

Craig Bennett [00:08:15]:

Oh, gosh middle school. Just the emotions that young girls go through and the struggles of middle school and everything from what they wear every day to who their friends are and what sports they do or whatever, what classes they're in. That was a hard time, I think, for everybody, even parents of young men at that age. I think they're going through a lot of changes and just to be there, support them and help them grow into who they're going to be, hopefully. So that was a tough time.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:52]:

It is definitely a tough time. And I can think of both my daughters having to go through their own learning and own journeys and you want to save them from every single thing and you can't always save them from every single thing because they've got to learn and they've got to grow. But you definitely want to, and you want to lift them up and hold them and help them through it and tell them that it's all going to be okay. And it typically is, but at that point in time it's not to them.

Craig Bennett [00:09:22]:

No.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:24]:

Now, you are a busy guy. You are the head football coach for the Cambridge High School football team. And as you said, it takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of time, especially throughout the fall as you are working with your team and you are also working with other teams at your high school, as working with other athletic teams as well. And that takes you away from your family as well. So talk to me about balance. And balance is sometimes a bad word, but it's something that we all have to deal with, we all have to think about and all have to try to grapple with. How have you been best able to balance both work and being that engaged, present dad that you wanted to be?

Craig Bennett [00:10:13]:

And I'll be honest, I don't always do a great job of that. And that's something you got to work on daily and constantly. I would say. I try to compartmentalize everything at work. I'm going to be at work. Obviously, if those two need me, they know they're going to be able to get me. But when I'm at home, I don't bring the work home, I don't bring my computer home, I don't bring huddle home, video, whatever. I'm going to try to spend that time as much as I can with them.

Craig Bennett [00:10:41]:

You do say balance and people sometimes look at that and say there's never true balance, but if you don't work for it, it'll slip away from you. And I think I learned that, like I said early in my career, just say, look, if I can't get it done at school and get it done in the time that we're there and the time that we're spending, then it probably doesn't need to get done. And a lot of coaches, and I think I learned this early in my career as well. A lot of coaches say, hey, family is first your faith and then your family. But they wouldn't live that out. And football became ever so more important than family during the season. And it was hard as a young coach to say, well, you've told me family is important, but yet your actions don't show that. And so that's been one of my goals as a head coach.

Craig Bennett [00:11:25]:

I think sometimes you learn more what not to do through people you work for and work with than to do what they did. So I learned that early on. Look, if we're going to say it, we're going to try to live it out and make that important, make those decisions important, and the game will disappear for all of us, but family doesn't.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:44]:

You and I got introduced through a tweet that you put out there. I saw a tweet of your daughter, and you used that hashtag Girl dad that's been around for quite a few years. And I guess for me, one of the questions I would love to ask you is for you, what does being a girl dad mean?

Craig Bennett [00:12:02]:

Honestly, just pride. I mean, just pride in who they are. And it's something to me very special to be a girl dad. To say, I'll be honest with you, I didn't go with the trend a couple of years ago when it became really trendy, I guess you could say. But, yeah, it's special. There's a bond, I think, with dads and daughters that's incomparable, and I'm not throwing any other relationship away or anything like that, but it's a special bond.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:31]:

I'd be remiss to not have you brag a little bit about the image that I was talking about. And I saw an image of your daughter at Valdesta State and playing football for their team. Tell me the story behind how she got into playing football and now is playing NCAA football.

Craig Bennett [00:12:52]:

Yeah, it's unique. She played soccer growing up. She played soccer at four years old. And I got to be a little bit honest here. She played in a co ed league with little boys and little girls, and I would always give her a dollar for every little boy she knocked down. I probably shouldn't say that out loud. She was always very physical. So she would tell me she was going to play football and she'd be my quarterback, and we would laugh kind of joke.

Craig Bennett [00:13:14]:

And so this progressed throughout her young soccer career. And as a 9th grader, she said, I want to come kick for you. And I said, well, you're going to come out there and try it. I'll let you try. And the first extra point at a practice she made, and she made like, I think she was like 13 or 14 in a row, but her soccer schedule wouldn't allow it. And so her sophomore year, I'll never forget, she came up to me at school and she said, I just got my soccer schedule. I said, okay, good, that's great. What is it like? She goes, I can play football.

Craig Bennett [00:13:42]:

So I immediately took her to locker room and put a helmet on her and it kind of grew from there, to be honest with you, that she was a JV kicker for us as a sophomore and got to kick in a varsity game. We were up pretty big and she got to go in and kick in a varsity game, which was pretty cool because there's not too many in high school football that get to do that. And then as a junior, one of our young men got really sick and had to withdraw from school. He was our starting kicker. And so she kind of assumed those responsibilities. I think she was 90 out of 95 in two years as extra points. And she did some kickoffs. She had a touchdown saving tackle that helped us win a game on a kickoff.

Craig Bennett [00:14:25]:

And so she had some accomplishments with our region in Georgia, and we went and made the playoffs two years in a row while she was kicking for us. She wanted the opportunity, and it's tough, it's a tough deal to have a female on your football team and there's locker room that you have to deal with and dressing out at different places and all of those things. And so every coach I would send her stats to, every coach that I knew, I knew a lot of college coaches, and they would say, yeah, we'll take a walk on kicker, and I'd have to then text them, hey, Coach, this is my daughter. And it would kind of go radio silent. So long story short, I'm not going to tell you the whole story. She decided just to go to Valdosta State, who has been a Division Two powerhouse for many, many years. And we had a chance meeting with the Dean, and he had actually evaluated the officials for one of our playoff games. And we were like, well, our daughter kicked.

Craig Bennett [00:15:22]:

And so it kind of progressed from there. And they gave her a tryout and she made the team as a walk on last year. And now we just got told this week she's going to get the dress for home games. And if I'm not mistaken, I searched and searched. I think she's right now the only female on any NCAA roster.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:40]:

That's amazing. Congratulations to her and to your whole family and working with her throughout the years because it takes a whole family to make that happen. But good luck to her in this season. That is a great story.

Craig Bennett [00:15:54]:

Thank you so much.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:54]:

And the other thing that I think that really it goes into what you said, that she's breaking barriers by doing this too, and it's not going to be an easy road for her in being the only female on the team. And my hope for her is that she has people around her that are supportive on the team that are helping her to be able to manage that. She seems like a strong individual and can probably handle herself, but it's always good to have those people around her that will support that and support her and work to help to lift her up in that way.

Craig Bennett [00:16:34]:

Yes, sir. Absolutely she is. And I'd be remiss if I didn't say something about our state coaching staff. They have been phenomenal to her and treat her like a daughter as well as the young men on that team. They have accepted her, and she had earned a lot of that. But it's just a class program for how they've treated my daughter, and that's all you can ask as a dad.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:58]:

Definitely. Now, one of the things that you and I talked about goes back to coaching and a lesson that you learned as you were coaching a different sport. But can you tell me a little bit about that, what you learned as a coach of basketball that made you have to make some changes in your own life that would help you to be able to be a better dad?

Craig Bennett [00:17:18]:

Yeah, no doubt. My oldest daughter, she was a phenomenal athlete, played basketball, was a competition cheerleader. And so at that moment, I was a high school girls basketball coach. So she was around the girls a lot and always with us. And so she wanted to play basketball and be like some of those girls that she grew up watching. And I think that the thing that I regret is probably one of my biggest regrets is I was the coach. I was her coach. I never coached her.

Craig Bennett [00:17:49]:

I was never her titled coach, but I coached her in the car on the way home. I coached her from the stands, and that's the worst thing you can do. I know better as a coach. And so she decided to quit. And I go back to those moments that I was constantly coaching her instead of just enjoying watching her play and enjoying what she did. And she quit playing basketball, and she was really good. And so my regret advice, I guess, would be to tell Dads to enjoy it, let them grow up, and don't ruin it for them.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:23]:

As I did tell that that definitely impacted the way that you father and as your oldest that got older. Did you ever talk to her about that and reflect back on that and what was her reaction as she grew up and maybe her reaction now as you talk about it?

Craig Bennett [00:18:43]:

Yeah, I did. I apologized to her several times over and over again because I felt like I stole something that she really, really enjoyed, and I made it not enjoyable. And she was like, It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. I just didn't want to play anymore anyway. I still truly believe that it was me that forced her to stop playing, but she went on to do some cheerleading and really enjoyed that. And now she's going into athletic training and she's back with me on the sideline right now.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:14]:

That's great. And I love hearing that she's going to be able to get to now work with you in a whole different way and working with you on the sideline, I'm sure that she's excited about that as well. And it's going to give you both an opportunity to grow your bond even further and get to know each other in a different way than you probably have before, too.

Craig Bennett [00:19:33]:

Yes, sir. No doubt.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:34]:

We always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. You ready?

Craig Bennett [00:19:41]:

Yes, sir. I hope so.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:42]:

In one word, what is fatherhood love? Was a time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Craig Bennett [00:19:50]:

I hope in the near future, if.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:52]:

I was to talk to your daughters and ask them, how would they describe you as a dad?

Craig Bennett [00:19:58]:

Oh, gosh. Loving but demanding.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:00]:

Who inspires you to be a better dad?

Craig Bennett [00:20:02]:

Probably my dad passed away last November. That would be it been a lot.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:06]:

Of pieces of advice, things that you've learned along the way. What's one piece of advice you'd want to give to every dad that's listening?

Craig Bennett [00:20:14]:

Take it all in. And I know everybody says that and how fast it goes, but goodness, take it all in. The good, the bad, just enjoy the journey.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:23]:

Well, Craig, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your own journey. Thank you for sharing your daughter's journey with us as well. And I wish you all the best.

Craig Bennett [00:20:33]:

Thank you so much and it was an honor to be on and I appreciate it.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:37]:

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out The Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And The Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dadswithdaughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:26]:

We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week. All geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be. We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny, screaming passengers we spend the time we give, the lessons we make, the meals we buy them present. Bring your A game because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men. Get out and be the world to them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

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In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis discusses fatherhood, blended families, and raising daughters with guest Ryan Ottinger. They delve into various aspects of parenting and the unique challenges and rewards of being a "girl dad."

Christopher emphasizes the importance of understanding that fatherhood is a journey with its ups and downs, and it's crucial not to go through it alone. He highlights the value of learning from other dads and sharing experiences to become the best possible fathers to their daughters.

Ryan, a father of two biological children and three stepchildren, discusses the challenges and joys of blending families. He emphasizes the significance of setting a positive example as a male role model and ensuring a strong family-oriented upbringing. Ryan shares his experiences coaching his children in sports, emphasizing the importance of being present and involved in their lives.

The conversation touches on finding a balance between work and family life. Ryan talks about how having a flexible job with a short commute allowed him to be present for his children and attend their events, reinforcing the importance of making time for family.

Ryan and Christopher discuss the unique relationships they have with their children and the importance of recognizing and nurturing each child's interests and passions. They stress the value of quality one-on-one time with each child, tailoring their parenting approach to each child's needs.

The episode also explores the concept of being a "girl dad" and what it means to take pride in raising strong, independent daughters. Both hosts express their deep pride in their daughters' accomplishments and the fulfillment that comes with guiding them towards successful futures.

In the final segment, they touch on the emotional journey of leaving a child at college and the bittersweet transition as children grow and gain independence. Christopher emphasizes the importance of preparing children for adulthood and celebrating their readiness for the next chapter.

Overall, the episode provides valuable insights into fatherhood, blended families, and the joys and challenges of raising daughters, highlighting the significance of being present, supportive, and nurturing as fathers.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women in really excited to have you back again this week. As always, you and I are on a journey together. We are working together to try to figure this fatherhood thing out. It's not always an easy thing, not always simple. We go through ups and downs and there's always going to be that in the lives of our daughters, but also the lives that we have. And we have to be able to understand and know how to ride that roller coaster as it goes on.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:57]:

Now, that being said, we don't have to do this alone. And it's so important for you to understand that you're not alone in this journey. And whether you're comfortable talking to that neighbor of yours that has kids or not, we're still here. And I love being able to talk to you every week and to bring you resources and other dads that are doing fatherhood in different ways because you can learn from every father that comes on this show to help you to be the best dad that you can be. This week, we got another great guest with us. Ryan Odinger is with us today, and Ryan is a father of two biological kids and step kids, so he has a blended family, so we'll be talking a little bit about that, but we'll also be talking a little bit about a few other things and learn a little bit more about him and about the experiences that he's had. And I'm really excited to have him here. Thanks so much for joining us.

Ryan Ottinger [00:01:59]:

Thanks for having me. My pleasure. Having you here today. One of the first things I love doing is I like to turn the clock back in time. And I know you've got two daughters. I'd love to turn the clock all the way back, all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head? Amazing. I've never been more terrified.

Ryan Ottinger [00:02:17]:

Being a dad of a daughter is the longest roller coaster of joy and fear that you could be on in a great way in all aspects, but I knew how to be a boy and I knew how to be a man, but I didn't have any idea what to do with a little girl. And I was scared to death. But it turned out to be one of, if not the most rewarding experiences of my life. Fatherhood is a rewarding experience and definitely can be fearful as well. There's fear in not only having kids in general, but I talk to a lot of dads and a lot of dads say that there is fear that goes along with being a father to a daughter. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter? My biggest fear is just as she moves forward. She's a freshman in college now. I've always tried to set an example of what a male role model should be in her life.

Ryan Ottinger [00:03:14]:

Whether it will be a teacher, a coach, future employer, husband, whatever the case may be that they should have a positive impact in her life. And I try to lead by example on that. I don't always get it right. That's part of parenting. If I could turn back the clock, there's probably a few things I would do different. But overall, she's amazing and I may take a tiny bit of credit for that, but she's been just a joy to father and she's made it easy. Our relationship has been nothing but friendship the entire time. We were best friends, always did stuff together.

Ryan Ottinger [00:03:53]:

I included her in my stuff, which I think is huge, and then also I wanted to be included in her stuff. We would take her when she was little to the mall and get makeovers and stuff like that, just her and I. And I think that's huge too. It has to be a partnership. It can't just be all that dad wants to do and sit and watch football or go fishing or whatever. But it doesn't always have to be all makeup and whatever she was into. We just kind of tried to find a good mix of what we both enjoyed and it worked out fantastic. I think it's important to be able to find those things that not only your child is passionate about, but you're passionate about too, that you can, as you said, kind of share both together.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:35]:

As you think about the relationship that you have with your daughter, what would you say is the thing that you love to share most with your daughter? I think that what I'm most proud about is just the person that she has turned out to be. She is all the good that I wanted her to be with very little, if any, of a negative as far as just being a good person, being a valuable member of society, being a good friend. And she loves family, which is a value that I've tried to instill. She makes time for us, she makes time for her cousins, step brothers and sisters, her brother. She's just always available and she puts family first. And I think that if I've taught her anything, that is probably what I'm the most proud of, is the fact that she is very family oriented. And I think she may be the type of girl who just once she spreads her wings after college, she may never come back to live in her hometown. But I think that we've dug enough roots that she will always value family and where she came from.

Ryan Ottinger [00:05:39]:

That's the only thing that we can do. And I have a daughter that's just like that. You and I both have freshmen in colleges, are in college. And I know that I don't believe that she will move back anywhere near where we are and she will spread her wings and fly and do amazing things in her life. But the thing that I hope too, is that she will always have those roots, always have the family to be able to draw from, no matter where she is, whether it's in Michigan, in Washington, DC. In the United States, or somewhere else. So I think that's all we can do as fathers, as parents, is to plant those seeds along the way and try to hope that they take root, as you said, because that will help them to only be more successful as they grow. Now, as we raise our children, there are times where you have opportunities to build really strong, memorable experiences, to have to build those memories with our children.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:50]:

What would you say has been the most memorable experience that you've been able to have thus far as a father to a daughter? I would say being able to coach her in athletics. She is in high school and all through her life has been just a superb athlete. And the opportunity to coach her and the opportunity for her to enjoy it, I've seen in the past, and I've been in parenting situations and coaching situations where they don't always blend. It's tough to treat everybody the same, whether it's good or bad. And she is such an amazing, hard worker. And to be able to coach her, see the learning process kind of going through her head, and then her incorporating that, it really touched me because a lot of it sometimes kids say, okay, and as kids, I was the same way. You probably figure that, you know, it a little bit better, especially as you get older. But she was always so coachable and just an appetite for knowledge in any subject.

Ryan Ottinger [00:07:49]:

And I think that's the thing that I will remember most about growing up as she was growing up, just being able to coach her and her really transferring that to whatever activity she was involved in at that time. I love that. I can say that I've never coached, but I always was involved with the team. And at times I was an assistant coach, though I can't say that I was really the coach. I would be there, I would engage with the kids, I would help the kids. I don't know that I had the skill set to be the full coach in that regard, but I tried my best. Being out there, that's just as important as anything else, just being involved, I think. Now, I know that you work in utilities.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:30]:

That's a challenging job. It can be a time consuming job. And you also made the comment that you try to make sure that you're present and that you were involved in your kids lives. Talk to me about balance and what you had to do to be able to find that balance between work, family and all the other hats that you wore. I've been at the utilities here in my hometown since 1999 and I've always tried to find a balance with my kids. And there were job opportunities that had a commute or involved travel. But the job that I have now is three minutes, four minutes from home. And I had the flexibility with a wonderful workplace.

Ryan Ottinger [00:09:13]:

If my kids ever were to fall ill at school, I could leave right away and go home, take care of them, no questions asked, and never missed a sporting event. Now, if we had emergencies, the normal schedule and the day to day balance, I was there when they got home from school. I was able to take them a lunchbox if they forgot it. I was able to take them practice clothes if they forgot it for after school. And I think that that is huge. And I think just being present, there's a lot of times where the kids would be on their phones in the living room, but I always love that compared to them going in their bedroom and closing the door, it's just being present and being involved with them, even if it's just sitting around in the living room. And now that they're gone, you really realize how every second is precious. And 1819 years, it seems like a long time, but in kid years it flies by and there's no do overs.

Ryan Ottinger [00:10:08]:

So I'd rather my kids get tired of me and I spend too much time with them as the opposite of them just wanting somebody to be there for them and not be there. It does fly by. I think people told me that throughout my life. Treasure the time because it is fleeting and it truly is. And I will echo that until I can't echo it anymore. Now, you've talked about a lot of the positive things. What would you say has been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter? Being able to relate. As far as the struggles that teenage girls go through with my son, I understood for the most part this is a trying time for all teenagers and they have a lot of difficulties that a person my age never had to deal with, with social media and everything that goes along with that.

Ryan Ottinger [00:10:52]:

But I always had trouble relating. So what I always tried to do was just listen. Just let her come home from school and go off about this or go off about that and be compassionate. Sometimes I didn't give her the right answers and sometimes you have to give the wrong what they don't want to hear because that's reality. But I always just tried to listen and if I couldn't relate, just be a sounding board for. And 15 minutes later, after she calmed down a little bit, she was fine. She just needed to get it off of her chest. And I think that was what I tried to do.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:25]:

The best is just listen and be a listening device and not have to give an opinion on every single thing. Now, I mentioned at the beginning of the show that you have a blended family. You have two biological kids, you have three step kids. And talk about challenges of raising your own children, let alone bringing families together. That is challenging in itself. Talk to me about what, as a family, you had to do to be able to start to bring those families together. When you did come together, it wasn't easy. But I also think that nothing in life that's going to have a long term reward is easy, because if it is, it's not as rewarding.

Ryan Ottinger [00:12:06]:

Having said that, it's difficult when you go from a single dad with a three bedroom house. And then we moved in together, and together we have 220 year old boys. My daughter hayden and Kobe are 20. Kobe is my son. Kylie is my daughter. She is 18. And then Reed is the youngest boy, and he's a senior in high school. And Sloan is my stepdaughter, and she's in 8th grade.

Ryan Ottinger [00:12:32]:

So unfortunately, their father has passed away. So I've been around for about three, four years now. And so I really think it's important that I pass on and show my youngest stepdaughter the relationship that I have with my daughter. And that way she also has. And this kind of refers back to what I was talking about earlier. She knows what a good father son or father daughter relationship is. She sees a positive male role model. She sees how I treat her mom and how I expect others to treat her mom, and that's how I expect that anybody in her future would treat her.

Ryan Ottinger [00:13:13]:

But moving in together, it's never going to be super easy. But her kids are wonderful, and my wife Melissa is wonderful, and my kids love her, her kids love me. We go on vacations together. We spend tons of time. So, you know, moving is stressful, just if you move in a normal situation. But when you're blending families and dogs that never met each other and that kind of that whole thing, there were some growing pains. Everybody kind of had to find their groove. But I think that's the biggest thing is you let everybody kind of carve their path and then you know, okay, this person showers every night at this time, so I've got to figure that out.

Ryan Ottinger [00:13:52]:

This person does laundry. It's just life. Living together with anyone's not easy. You have to have cooperation. And we found a good balance, I feel like. And now when we moved in together, all five kids were in the house. And then a year from now, there's only going to be one left. So she's going to get all the attention.

Ryan Ottinger [00:14:09]:

Whether she wants it or not. She's going to be the focus of both of us. So talk to me about that relationship with Sloan and what you've had to do to be able to maybe say, slowly step into a role of mentorship, a role of friendship, a role of connection. And I say all of that before I say a role as a father, because I'm sure that you have probably in your mind and outwardly said, I am a father. I'm not trying to replace your father. But how did you have to start building those building blocks with her after that initial move in? It was a process, but it was easy. She's very different from a lot of teenagers. As far as she was open and willing to a relationship, there wasn't any resentment or apprehension on her part for me to be a part of her life, which made it all the easier, because then if you have apprehension and then you have to find the balance as a bonus.

Ryan Ottinger [00:15:14]:

Dad, do I try harder? Do I pull back? Grant, where do I fit in this role? Because I don't want to be overbearing and try to force a relationship. But I also don't want to seem aloof and to seem like I don't want a relationship. So what I always try to do is Kylie, my daughter, was always in my back pocket, so we were always together. So what we tried to do is include Sloan on a lot of the stuff that we were doing together. But then I also made sure that I had one on one time for Kylie and I had one on one time for Sloan. So I think that when you're able to carve out time just for one child, it's more meaningful experience. Maybe not for the parent, because I love being with all my kids, but for the child, it just seems more special. But it's been a slow.

Ryan Ottinger [00:15:59]:

You're putting brick on brick and you're getting a foundation. We're great friends. We've got a great relationship. I don't know about being a disciplinarian just because at this point in life, she doesn't really need it. She's just that girl. And my daughter was the same way. If I said something and made a suggestion, 99 times out of 100 they go with it and we go down that path together and if there's a disagreement, we work it out. So I'm very fortunate that way that she's bought in the same amount that I bought in.

Ryan Ottinger [00:16:28]:

And it's a great relationship. You talked about the fact that with your kids you have to build those unique relationships, especially in a blended family. You have built relationships with your two biological kids. You've had more time with them. Now you've had three new kids that have entered your life and have become a part of your family as a whole. Talk to me about how you have been able to build those unique relationships with each child. Seeing that each child is unique and understanding that you have to build that relationship in a little bit different way. Anyone that has more than one child at home knows that there's no cookie cutter, even if you have I have stepbrothers that are twins and they're not even remotely the same and they weren't ever growing up.

Ryan Ottinger [00:17:17]:

They both had vastly different interests. So I think it's finding out what they're interested in and they're passionate about and exploring know. My stepson and I, reed had a we talked politics for about an hour and a half. My wife finally just went to bed and we sat at the kitchen table and with no TV on, no phones or anything, and just talked. There was no arguments, no disagreements, and it was fantastic. Now, if I tried to do that with my son Kobe, eight minutes into that, he'd be like, can we turn the game on or something? This is not interesting to me. So I think know with Sloan, she's got a huge passion for volleyball and she just started playing in 6th grade and she couldn't hit the ball straight for a million dollars. And just seeing her out in the driveway, I would set up makeshift nets where we put outdoor benches on top of garbage cans for her and then put cones in the yard for target practice and stuff like that.

Ryan Ottinger [00:18:12]:

I never played volleyball in my life. My daughter did. So I had a few ideas. But finding out what they're passionate about and adjusting your priorities to allow them to pursue their passion, I think that's the most important thing is you can give them suggestions. You can give kids a path to go, but if they want to veer off that path, just find a positive outlet for them to veer because if not, it could turn into a negative. But you can't say, well, I've always liked this, so you should like this. That's not how I wasn't into the same things my parents were in. So I think that's the biggest thing is finding what they're passionate about.

Ryan Ottinger [00:18:47]:

And even if you got to fake it for a couple of hours and put a smile on your face, that time is going to be so precious. When you look back on it, you can be like, you know what? I was miserable when I went. And they'll get a laugh out of it. And I'm sure that she can turn around and say, yeah, that one thing you took me to. That wasn't great either, but I did enjoy being there. I think that's the most important thing.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:13]:

Appreciate you sharing that. Now you and I got to meet each other through Twitter and using the hashtag Girl dad. It is definitely a hashtag that's been around for a bit. Many people know it started with Kobe Bryant and his daughter and kind of built from there and ended up continuing to grow from there. As you think about the hashtag girl dad, what does being a girl dad mean to you?

Ryan Ottinger [00:20:29]:

Being proud of your daughter, being proud of the fact that she's a female and she is going down a path of she's going to be a leader in the community, she's going to be a leader in whatever job or whatever path of life that she chooses, and to know that she's a valuable member of society. And the challenges of raising a daughter are large for a male role model, but the rewards are equally as large. And when things work out, it is the greatest experience in the world. And not to take anything away from being a father-son relationship, because it's amazing. My son and I are best friends, but when you raise a daughter, you know that there's an expectation that you need to set as far as role models go. And with Kylie, she's exceeded the expectations of the person that I wanted her to. You know, on that tweet that I sent out that you responded to, I kept saying for a month, she wasn't ready to go to college. She just wasn't ready. She's naive. She should commute all the gamut of emotions. And we get there and we get her moved in. And I was giving her a hug and I saw her walk off. She was not walking off, she was prancing off and couldn't be more excited. I'm sitting in my truck crying like a baby and I'm like, okay, I'm the one that's not ready. She's ready. I've done my job, which it's the most bittersweet experience in the world. You always want your daughter to be happy, but then you know, for her to be happy, you're going to be sad for a while. And that was the most difficult part, but it was also the most fulfilling.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:27]:

Yeah. Leaving your child at college is definitely challenging, especially if they're farther away. But even if they're close, the relationship changes. You don't get to see them as much, you don't get to talk to them as much because their life is moving in a little bit different direction. And parents are told that you don't get to see it or know it until you actually experience it. And that is something that every parent has to experience in life. Whether it's that your child is going to college, whether it's that they're going into the workforce or the military or whatever it is post high school, something happens and they will change in some way. And as parents, as Ryan just said, we have to do what we can as they're growing up, to prepare them to fly, prepare them to be able to leave our homes, to be able to do things that are going to help them to be successful and to move forward in their life. Now, Ryan, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Ryan Ottinger

Absolutely.

In one word, what is fatherhood

Ryan Ottinger

amazing?

Christopher Lewis When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

I would say the minute she graduated, she graduated with honors, and I really felt like I've done everything I could do to prepare her for the next step, whatever that step may be in life. And as a parent, that's what we're supposed to do.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:40]:

If I was to talk to your kids, how would they describe you as a dad?

Ryan Ottinger

It depends on when you want to talk to them. I would say I can be tough on them when it comes to work ethic. I'm a big work ethic person in general, but I think that they would say, overall, I'm fun, and I think that they see the joy I get out of being a dad. I feel like that's the only thing I've ever wanted to do when I wanted to grow up, other than being in the NBA, which was quickly realized that that wasn't going to be an option. I always just wanted to be a dad, and I feel like that's what I was quite honestly put here to do, is to be a father and is the greatest job and experience I could ever have. But I think they would just say I'm a fun loving guy, and I hope that if they had to do it over again, they would still choose me.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:29]:

Now, who inspires you to be a better dad? I have a lot of people. My mom, for one.

Ryan Ottinger

For a long time in my life, my mom was kind of raising us on our own and my sister and I, and so she kind of had to do a dual role, but she just showed me what parenting should be. I look back now and I see the sacrifices that she made for my sister and I, and I've instilled that into my parenting style. Kids first, always. If that means missing a guy's trip or missing golf or whatever the case may be, no regrets about it, no second thoughts about it. And it wasn't even an option to not be present for my kids. My stepdad was a vital figure. My dad was a vital figure of just being present. They still come to all my kids sporting events, my niece and nephew's sporting events, and Christmases and every holiday. We're always together. Our families are always together. So that's the biggest thing that I think I would take away, is just always just try to keep your family. Anytime you have an opportunity to be with them, be with them.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:13]:

You've given a lot of pieces of advice today, things for people to think about and things for people to consider of incorporating into their own lives as we finish up today. What's one piece of advice you'd like to give to every dad?

Ryan Ottinger [00:24:39]:

Enjoy every second. We touched on it earlier. It goes by so fast.And the memory I want to share about my daughter is I'll never forget one time I was in a hardware store and she went with me, and she was at the age where I just had given up on trying to tell her what to wear. As long as she had some sort of shoes on her feet and her hair was somewhat combed, I think she may have been five or six at the most. And so she had these cowgirl boots on with pajamas, and it was noon, and we're in a hardware store and she's three aisles over just stomping up the aisle and making all kinds of noise. And I'm just like, oh, my gosh. And this guy beside me goes, hey, she won't be stomping very much longer in those cowgirl boots. You better enjoy it while you can. And it's just a random stranger. And it stuck with me from that moment on because I started to get frustrated because she was running around and that frustration just went away. It's like, you know what? She's a little girl having the time of her life. I can't get in the way of that. And so from that point on, I really just tried to cherish every single second that I was with her, and I'm glad that I did.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:26]:

Well, Ryan, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your journey today. Really appreciate it. And if people want to find you on Twitter, where's the best place for them to go at Ryan_Ottinger. Nothing real fancy on that one.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:48]:

Well, I truly appreciate you being here today, and I wish you all the best. Thank you so much. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it out fatheringtogether.org. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dads with Daughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:31]:

Today. Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week, all geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give, the lessons we make, the meals we buy them present. Bring your A game because those. Kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite glass calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them. You be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Dads With Daughters is part of The Dads Podcast Network, powered by DadsSupportingDads.org

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In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis welcomes guest Alexandra Wyman to discuss the challenging topic of suicide and how to navigate the aftermath. The episode focuses on providing support and resources for individuals dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide.

Christopher introduces Alexandra Wyman, an advocate and public speaker who experienced the loss of her husband to suicide in August 2020. She shares her journey and the inspiration behind her book, "The Suicide Club: What to Do When Someone You Love Chooses Death."

Alexandra recounts her life before her husband's suicide, emphasizing societal expectations of a successful life and family. She details her personal journey of meeting her husband, getting married, and having a child, which led her to believe she had achieved a successful life.

However, four days before their second wedding anniversary, her husband took his life, leaving her in shock and disbelief. Alexandra discusses her initial struggles, including the lack of consistent support and the need to make immediate decisions. She explains that during the early stages of her grief, she began documenting her experiences, emotional states, and any helpful strategies she discovered.

The conversation transitions to addressing the guilt and self-blame that survivors of suicide often experience. Alexandra emphasizes that it's challenging to predict or prevent suicide, emphasizing the importance of spreading love and checking in on loved ones who may be struggling emotionally.

Christopher inquires about how to support individuals affected by suicide from an outsider's perspective. Alexandra recommends being present for them and offering specific help rather than asking them what they need. She also highlights the significance of ongoing support beyond the initial shock period when most people tend to withdraw.

They discuss the complexities of explaining suicide to children and how to approach age-appropriate conversations about the topic. Alexandra emphasizes the importance of honesty and using concrete language when discussing suicide with children.

Alexandra mentions various tools and coping strategies she has relied on during her grief journey. These include therapy, journaling, meditation, exercise, reaching out to friends, and seeking information from blogs and books on death and grief.

The episode concludes with Alexandra's message of hope and resilience, encouraging those who have experienced suicide loss to keep moving forward and find meaning and purpose in life. She underscores the importance of anchoring to something meaningful as a source of strength.

Christopher mentions the significance of the "988" suicide and crisis lifeline, urging anyone in need to reach out for help.

Alexandra provides her website, Forwardtojoy.com, as a valuable resource for additional support, coaching, and information about her book, "The Suicide Club."

The episode offers valuable insights, resources, and guidance for individuals dealing with suicide loss, as well as those seeking to support loved ones through this difficult journey.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight Dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Hey, everyone, this is Chris, and welcome to Dads with Daughters, where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. As you know, every week we are chatting together about how you can raise amazing daughters in your lives to help them be strong, independent women. And every week I love being able to chat with you about the journey that you're on and help you to learn from others. This week we've got a really great guest with us and I'm so excited that she was willing to join us today. We're going to be talking about a topic that is a little bit tougher. We're going to be talking about suicide and coming out on the other side of suicide.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:02]:

But it's important. It's an important topic and it's hopefully a topic that you may not have to deal with in your life, but it's important to understand what to do in these situations. So our guest today is Alexandra Wyman, and she is an advocate and public speaker for resources in the aftermath of suicide. After she lost her husband to suicide in August of 2020, she found a need to change the language around suicide and decided to write about it. She wrote a memoir called The Suicide Club. What to Do When Someone You love Chooses death. And you can find it on Amazon. I'm going to put a link in the notes today for you to be able to find that.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:46]:

She's spoken at many conferences about this and really worked to try to help others to understand this. So I'm really excited to be able to talk to her today, to be able to learn from her and have you learn from her and the journey that she's been on. Alexandra, thanks so much for being here today.

Alexandra Wyman [00:02:04]:

Oh, Chris, thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be able to speak with you today.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:09]:

It is my pleasure having you here today. And I guess let's start at the beginning because this as I said, it's not an easy topic to talk about. But talk to me about what led you to this book and the situation that ended up bringing you to being the person that you are now and talking to people and helping people through suicide.

Alexandra Wyman [00:02:33]:

Yeah, well, yeah, that's kind of a loaded intro there. I don't want to take up too much of your time on that, but I'll start with that. Coming out of college, I kind of bought into that idea with a successful life being. You meet a partner, you get married, you find your house, your white picket fence, you get your 2.5 children, your 1.5 dogs, you know the deal. And you get into a career, you stay there forever and then you retire, go travel, and then watch your kids and grandkids grow. That is so not how things went for me. So getting out of college, I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Had studied pre law, decided that wasn't the direction that was right for me.

Alexandra Wyman [00:03:12]:

Traveled a bit, did not have a partner house nor children, and then just continued on. Eventually did get my master's in occupational therapy and was getting pretty comfortable in the single life in my 30s when I met Sean. And it was happenstance I had sworn off, I was like, I'm over this. I'm not doing this anymore. And of course, that's always when the person comes into your life. And we had a very strong connection, just really hit it off. And being a little bit older, decided we didn't want to mess with all the niceties. Sometimes that comes with dating and getting to know each other.

Alexandra Wyman [00:03:47]:

So within about a year after meeting each other, we got married, bought that house, and found out that I was pregnant. And finally I thought oh, okay. It took me a little bit longer than other people I know, but let me check off that list of what this successful life looks like. And both of us were in our successful careers, and life looked great. And nothing is ever perfect, let me say that. There's nothing perfect about our marriage or our relationship. Like, there isn't really in any relationship. And then four days before our second wedding anniversary, sean ended up taking his life.

Alexandra Wyman [00:04:20]:

And talk about rug being pulled out from underneath you and looking at this going, Wait, I thought I got there right? I got to the successful life. What do you mean now he's dead. This is not how things are supposed to go. And then in addition to that, so not only is there massive grief, our son was just over one when Sean passed. And then there's some complications with trauma and additional drama from other individuals involved in the situation and trying to sort through all of that. And I kept finding that even initially, within even that first four to six weeks, where I just was like, what are the tools I can use for this? And I found that it's very inconsistent, the support that's available to individuals and survivors. And so in my particular personal situation, I was told there'd be an advocate from the county who would come and support me. And I had one conversation with that person and never heard again from the county.

Alexandra Wyman [00:05:11]:

So there's so much that has to happen. And often we say, don't make any decisions in that first year, and you have to make decisions immediately. Like day zero, I had to make decisions. So I started jotting down notes of things that I found helpful or didn't find helpful or ways that things that I was experiencing, such as cognitive overload or not being able to really function past a certain time or even eating. I started jotting notes over, I was able to eat today, I wasn't able to eat yesterday. And then I figured out that what I essentially wanted to end up doing was help someone else. So that whatever path I had to forge on my own because there wasn't as much support that someone else wouldn't have to go through that even three weeks after Sean passed, I got a phone call saying, so a friend's husband just died by suicide. Can you reach out to them and be a it doesn't stop.

Alexandra Wyman [00:06:00]:

Even though I hoped it would have stopped with Sean's passing, it didn't. And so people are passing this way still frequently. And so I decided that maybe if I could write a book or give tips and tricks of what I found worked for me, that maybe it would help someone else along the way. And so that's how the inception of the book came. Really didn't think I would ever publish it. And then it all just kind of fell into place. And here we are now being able to really talk and hopefully empower and encourage other people to have conversations and start talking more about this. Because as much as I'd like this type of death to go away, it isn't.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:34]:

One of the things that comes to mind before we get into some of the tips and tricks post suicide is, I guess, after this happened to you in your life, I'm sure there's a lot of questioning, there's a lot of things that probably go through your head of what should I have seen? Or were there things I could have seen that could have helped along the way? And I'm sure that there have been many people that have asked you questions that you've supported along the way and probably asked those same questions. What do you say to those individuals as they go through that questioning process?

Alexandra Wyman [00:07:09]:

It's so complicated because on the one hand, absolutely you're going to run through the scenarios. What could you have done differently? How could you have been a different support? Was there something I still go through that? Was there something I could have done the day of? I knew ahead of time what was happening and spent a considerable amount of time trying to access Sean before he passed. So there's so many different scenarios that you can run through and do that. And so there's a few different ways I look at this. One of the ways that I'll say is there aren't really obvious signs that someone is going to pass this way. As much as that would be very comforting and provide some safety and security, that our loved ones aren't going to go through something like this. There just isn't. That doesn't mean that if people are hurting that you can't reach out or check on them or ask them directly, are you thinking of harming yourself or being able to have tools to help, not confront, but help someone who you think is struggling.

Alexandra Wyman [00:08:08]:

Sean did have his own struggles and stress that were going on and I just took ask. I won't say I didn't ask the right questions. I think I just didn't provide enough of an avenue for him to feel more comfortable talking to me as he got to that point. And to be honest, I don't think there's any right or wrong way to do can't. I've had to work through holding on to the guilt around that. So it's easy to take on the responsibility that someone getting to this point, that it was any of us involved around Sean, that it was our responsibility to, quote, save him. The other thing I'll say is when it comes to questions around that, of thinking back on what we could have done differently or how to approach people, I'm just a big proponent now of just spread the love. Just tell everyone that you love them or how much they mean to you and really see people for who they are.

Alexandra Wyman [00:08:58]:

And I think that is a missing link that sometimes we just miss in general. So often it's almost as though we understand that someone is hurting when they've been hurting for quite a bit of time and just haven't known and then something like this can happen. So those are kind of like the first two ways that I go about it and when I'm asked or if I'm talking to someone about it. Shifting the death away from ourselves to the individual is one of the things that I recommend only because it is easy to take responsibility for someone else's actions and it is easy to wonder again what could we have done? You can always do something differently, but to what extent is it your responsibility to have done something differently? And the truth is, for my situation, I could have done something completely different in all the different scenarios and the outcome still could have been the same. And that's still hard to kind of wrap your head around. But when I was able to start shifting Sean's death away from it was something that happened to me and more to this person was in this much pain that this was what they ended up finding was their way to end their pain. For me, it created a bigger opportunity for compassion because it's not easy to get to that point and to have that immense amount of emotional and mental pain or physical pain. Whatever is going on, in my opinion, there's pain.

Alexandra Wyman [00:10:19]:

And an individual who gets to a point of contemplating suicide is that that's what they're seeing is the only way to end it at that point in time.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:26]:

So as you talked a lot right there about things that you had to do to be able to get through this. And I guess one question that comes to my mind is from an outsider perspective, when someone you know is going through this, not that person that has committed suicide, but the person that has been affected or the family that has been affected. From an outsider perspective, what are some things that others can do to best support those that have been primarily impacted? Not to say that everyone in that circle and the concentric circles are not being impacted in some way, but to offer that support, to be able to be there. Because like I said at the beginning, it's not an easy thing to talk about.

Alexandra Wyman [00:11:15]:

Very true. And that's such a hard question because I do think it's individualized. However, at the same time, I think what often happens is when we see someone who's hurting, we often look to that person to almost bring us comfort. So in my situation, I can say people are like, what can we do for you? How can we help? And it's this idea of, we can't fix it. We're watching someone hurt. And it's unbearable to watch someone in so much pain. And oftentimes what I need, you can't give me. I need him to walk through the door.

Alexandra Wyman [00:11:45]:

You can't do that for me. What I did find was helpful was when people would just reach out and say, I'm here for you when you're ready. And rather than leave it up to me to say, what do you need? I had people who are like, I'm going to bring you some food. I'm going to pick up your son and we're going to go. I'm going to offer babysitting for you. Just having that opportunity or that offer was very helpful. There are sometimes people are like, I'm coming over just to see how you're doing. That I found more helpful because in those moments of stress, it's so hard to make decisions, right? You're already making decisions, but you're still in shock.

Alexandra Wyman [00:12:18]:

There's so much that's going on emotionally and mentally and just trying to wrap your head around everything that is going on at once. And as I mentioned, my situation was not unique in the additional stuff that was going on and threats of legal action and having to figure out where we were going to live. I mean, all of these things that come up. And so just being there and also patient because I find and just like any type of loss or death, actually people are available in those first two to three weeks. What can we do? We're here for you. And then as the dust settles, most people go back to their lives. For me, it was the people who were still hanging around checking in on me after that who I found once I was out of my shock and actually had to start living again or trying to figure out how to live while also dealing with this massive amount of grief. Those people who would check in on me at that point in time were extremely helpful.

Alexandra Wyman [00:13:10]:

Again, just saying we're here for you was a good reminder to me of, oh, I can go ask for help. It's still hard to do, but to go ask for help and to reach out to those people and that's what I would say is it's almost like just being present for the individual and letting them know that you're there when they can handle having that relationship or figure out what exactly they need.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:33]:

So earlier you said that when this all happened with your husband that your son was one and that's pretty young and not everybody is going to have a young child. So your situation is probably going to be different than other situations as you've talked to others and worked through this with your own child and are probably still working through this with your own child. What are some of the things that you've learned about how best to talk to a child about this, whether it is their parent, a grandparent, or other family member or friend? What are some of the best ways in which you can help a child to work through this?

Alexandra Wyman [00:14:16]:

This is a great question and definitely still something I'm learning. My son asked about his dad about six months earlier than I was expecting. That was a nice Sunday morning and I went, okay, we're going to do this now. So from everything that I've heard read and also found in my own therapy is honesty really is the best policy. If we leave up too much and concrete honesty, that's age appropriate. If we leave too much ambiguity in what we're saying to the child, they're going to fill in the gaps. And I will say that I thought with my son that I was being really honest and concrete and have found I wasn't. So when I initially had the conversation with him, he was three and a half, and I said, Daddy chose to die.

Alexandra Wyman [00:15:01]:

He was in a lot of pain and didn't know how to ask for help. And a big thing that came up for me with this was I wanted to make sure that I was communicating to my son that if he was in pain to ask for help. And also to say if you scrape your knee and it hurts, you're not going to die. Pain does not equal death. So I tried to do that and thought I was very concrete and then actually have been working with a play therapist with my son to help with this process as well and have done some group therapy myself. And essentially what happens is they fill in that gap of, well, where's this body, where's this person? And so saying daddy did something to his body to make it stop working. And that's again, using age appropriate language. My son is four now, so still along that.

Alexandra Wyman [00:15:52]:

But there are different ways to kind of scaffold what that language would be depending on the age. But I've had a friend who didn't initially give her kids the honest answer and she said it was far worse than when she was actually able to sit down and tell them the truth. And even I've been coached that even for four, using the word suicide is okay because it gives them a word for what happened. Again, that concrete perspective. So I think being able to say Daddy died by suicide, which means he did something to his body to make it stop working, which I love that I'm able to say it now because I still haven't been able to say it to my son yet. I get a little of a clemped and then I'm like, oh gosh, I can do this. And he still asks, but with the support of other people. That's kind of the direction that I've heard, but definitely going with that level of honesty as early as you can.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:40]:

So what I'm hearing from you in this journey, and I'm going to use that word, this journey that you have been on since you lost your husband, your husband took his life, and you've had to move into what is your new normal. And I'm sure that's still evolving and it will continue to evolve. Talk to me about some of the things that you have had to and ended up putting in your book in regards to some of the tools, the strategies, the resources that you've had to rely upon that others should know about or should help and provide and to support others.

Alexandra Wyman [00:17:18]:

So tools change daily. I just want to start there because sometimes I don't know for your listeners, but I know for myself that I will pick a tool and I'm like, awesome, I found the magic thing that's going to make everything feel better. I'm going to use this every day and then I get to the next day and go, oh no, that doesn't work. So I'm a big fan of having a toolbox and finding which tool work on which day, and there's been lots of them. Therapy is definitely one that has helped with a grief specific therapist. I think that helps only because grief is so random and such a roller coaster that even now approaching three years where I'm like, okay, good, I'm great, I'm having a great day. And then I'll still get hit with something and go, oh, right, okay, I'm not where I thought I would be. And you were right earlier.

Alexandra Wyman [00:18:08]:

This is a journey and it's a lifetime journey. It just changes and morphs and certain things. I could maybe go a couple of years and feel great and then another year something will hit me harder. So it is very up and down. I have used so therapy, journaling, meditation, definitely screaming, done my own scream therapy. I have exercised, although initially I was encouraged very early on to exercise and I became like a child myself and told the doctor, you go exercise right now. It's hard for me to even get out of bed. But it is true.

Alexandra Wyman [00:18:43]:

It is helpful, even if it's just a short, slow walk. I have relied on friends to even talk through things to see. I've looked at blogs, researched all sorts of parenting books to figure out how to do this as a single parent. So there are lots of different ways to go about this. I think the main thing is to try certain things and definitely work through whatever is going on in front of you. Skirting around it, ignoring the grief or the emotions doesn't help at all. And in fact, all it does is kind of prolong that process. And it's horrible.

Alexandra Wyman [00:19:19]:

It's a horrible process. It's extremely hard, but it's very rewarding once you get to the other side. Oh, I even consulted a medium. Where am I going? I started reading all sorts of books on death. What happens in different cultures and how different people view death. I went down a whole rabbit hole on that. So I'd say quite the gamut of tools for the emotional piece. There's definitely some other things for kind of the business.

Alexandra Wyman [00:19:43]:

I don't know if you want me to go into some of the business stuff, but there is a lot to have to manage. But I think just take that first step forward of trying something is the.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:53]:

Most important for someone that is picking up your book and they are looking for some answers and wanting to get those resources that you've been able to capture and be able to identify for yourself. What are some of the biggest takeaways that you're hoping that people are going to take from the book itself?

Alexandra Wyman [00:20:12]:

Probably the biggest takeaway is that you can get through this. I had someone say that to me. It was actually one of the sheriff's officers who had to inform me that Sean had passed and she had lost her husband by suicide eight months prior. And she said, you're not going to believe me, but you can get through this. And she was right. I did not believe her. But it is possible. Taking 1ft in front of the other, finding something to anchor to, to help you on those days where it's ridiculously hard and you don't want to live, that does happen.

Alexandra Wyman [00:20:44]:

But finding something to anchor to that keeps you here, because when you can get through the sludge is what I call it. When you can get through those horrible feelings, when you can start to let your mind and body start to heal, it is worth it and you can find joy that's left in this life. It looks different. I'll say that how I view things now in life is very different than before. But it is possible to do that.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:08]:

Talk to me about that anchor, because I'm sure that you have to retether every so often and it may be even be on a daily basis. So what do you have to do to re anchor yourself now that you've gone through this? It's three years later, and you are looking toward the future.

Alexandra Wyman [00:21:25]:

Yeah. So initially, I'd say my anchor was my son. Very early on, I was aware that while I knew this situation was going to impact us, I didn't want it to dictate things for us. And I wanted to make sure that while I could talk to him about his dad, I didn't want his dad's death to just be hanging over him or over me. To the point where if I couldn't continue to move forward, how that would impact him and the anchor does change in a sense of now I can look and find a different meaning and purpose. My life was going in a very different trajectory before Sean died and realizing how it's different now and then finding meaning and purpose in that. And so while my son was able to help me work know that initial shock and get through those and he still is my anchor for sure. Finding that meaning and purpose of how I want to take the aftermath and my experience in this journey and be able to pay it forward and help other people has now become my anchor that's now become how I keep putting 1ft in front of the other.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:27]:

Well, Alexandra, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story, for sharing what you've gone through and for helping others that have gone through similar situations or may go through similar situations. Because this is kind of as I said at the beginning, it's a topic that it's taboo in society. It's hard to talk about, but it's important to talk about and to confront and to ask. I mean, I've gone through training at work, and we've talked about suicide and suicide prevention. And one of the interesting things is something that you said at the very beginning was the fact that if you truly think that someone is going to harm themselves, you need to ask that question. You need to say, Are you planning on harming yourself? And it's not something that you typically would go to a person and say, but it is so important. Are there other pieces that you want to leave for anyone to think about if they're concerned about someone, if they're concerned for themselves, that you would leave today?

Alexandra Wyman [00:23:31]:

Yeah, it's such a good question. I would say if you are someone who is hurting and feeling that this is potentially a way to end that pain, you're not broken, you're not defective, and there is some hope and help for you. And if you can take that step to actually reach out and just let someone know you need help to be seen, absolutely. I see you. Chris sees you. We're here to see you and to see that pain. You're definitely more than that pain. And for other individuals who are worried about their loved ones.

Alexandra Wyman [00:24:07]:

Like you said, Chris, ask the question. Shower them with love and see your person again for who they are and to tell them that you care about them, that you're there. And again, no matter the outcome. It's not our individual responsibility, because we all have that choice. But to just show someone that you genuinely care and are there for them is what I would say.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:28]:

And one of the resources that I will share with you is something that any of you should be able to access in your own area. And that's nine eight eight. Keep that number in mind. We have 911, but now you have 988, which is the suicide and crisis lifeline, and it is open 24 hours a day. They have multiple languages. And if you are hurting, as Alexandra said, if you feel like you need to reach out, have a lifeline, dial nine eight eight. Talk to someone, they will talk to you, they will work with you and they'll help you through it. And that is such an important resource that has not been there very long, but it is now available throughout the United States, and it is something that I would highly encourage any person to take advantage of.

Alexandra Wyman [00:25:16]:

Absolutely. Yes, please do, Alexandra.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:19]:

If people want to find out more about you about the book, where should they go?

Alexandra Wyman [00:25:22]:

So my website is Forwardtojoy.com, all spelled out. You can email me at [email protected]. I'm on Instagram at Forwardtojoy. But definitely there are also additional resources on my website for any individual who's in this aftermath of trying to handle some of the business with the estate. There's also one on one coaching that I offer for going through this process. So definitely check out the website. That'd probably be the best way. And the book is on Amazon and on a couple of different websites as.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:51]:

Well, and I will put a link in there. It is forwardtojoy.com. As Alexandra just said, I love the quote that's on there. Life is unpredictable as a notion. What is predictable is how we handle what life hands us. And I think that is such an important thing to think about and to think about for your own self and how that impacts you and your family, because it is so true. Alexander, thanks so much for being here. I truly appreciate you sharing your journey, and I wish you all the best.

Alexandra Wyman [00:26:23]:

Thanks so much.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:23]:

Chris if you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out The Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And The Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step. By step, roadmaps and more. You will engage and learn with experts but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dads with Daughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes.

Christopher Lewis [00:27:09]:

Today Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week. All geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be. We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them present and bring your A game because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite glass calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the one to now be the best dad you can be be the best dad you can be.

Dads With Daughters is part of The Dads Podcast Network, powered by DadsSupportingDads.org

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis introduces the show's mission of spotlighting resources and advice for dads to become the best fathers they can be, particularly in raising strong, independent daughters. He emphasizes the challenges and joys of raising daughters, underscoring the importance of knowing that you're not alone and there are resources available.

The episode's guest, Justin, known online as Dr. Youngbody, joins the conversation. They discuss Justin's experience as a father to his eleven-year-old daughter and his role in various types of relationships, including being a stepfather. Justin shares that he was excited when he found out he was going to have a daughter and emphasizes the uniqueness of each child.

Justin talks about his biggest fear in parenting, which is wanting his daughter to be able to handle whatever life throws at her. He stresses the importance of preparing her to navigate life's challenges and reminding her that getting through difficult situations doesn't make her a bad person.

The podcast explores the challenges of fatherhood, with Justin mentioning the difficulties he faced during his divorce, including not knowing when he would see his daughter next. He shares a valuable piece of advice from a friend about making interactions with his daughter enjoyable and positive.

The conversation delves into their favorite shared activities, with laughter being a significant bonding factor between Justin and his daughter. They highlight the joy of sharing humorous moments together.

Justin reflects on the term "girl dad" and what it means to him, emphasizing the importance of supporting and empowering his daughter to be herself.

The episode also touches on Justin's daughter's interest in acting and modeling. He explains that from a young age, she showed a desire to entertain people and make them laugh. Justin and his ex-wife have supported her interests in the entertainment industry.

The discussion then shifts to Justin's experience as a stepfather and the lessons he learned. He mentions the importance of letting go of ego and demands for respect, focusing on building a close relationship with the children and creating an atmosphere of trust and open communication.

The episode concludes with a conversation about handling the challenges of divorce and maintaining relationships with children from previous marriages. Justin shares his struggle with losing contact with some of the children but emphasizes the importance of focusing on being the best father he can be for the child he still has in his life.

Overall, the podcast highlights the complexities of fatherhood, the importance of strong parent-child relationships, and the continuous learning and growth that come with being a father.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week and as always, we are on a journey together. Raising daughters is a wonderful thing. It could be a challenging thing. There are so many ups and downs and sideways events and things that happen along the way as your child moves from phase to phase in her life. And it's important to know that you're not alone, that there are people around you that you can rely on, that people around you that you can learn from. And even if you're not willing to go next door and talk to that dad that's next door with their kids, we're here every week. And I love being able to talk with you, to be able to give you some perspectives, to allow for you to be able to meet other dads and other resources that are out there for you to be able to access and for you to be able to learn from.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:21]:

And you just have to be open to taking that all in. And I think that's important. That's such an important thing for every father to do. Not always an easy thing, never said this is going to be easy, but it is definitely something that if you're willing to do it and you're willing to put in the work, you're going to come out in the end being the best dad that you can be every week. I love being able to bring you different guests. Guests that have different experiences that have led them to be the father that they are or the resource that they represent. But this week we have another great guest with us. Justin is with us.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:01]:

Justin is known online as Dr. Youngbody. And we're going to be talking about Justin's experience being a father to an eleven year old daughter, but also his experience in different types of relationships where he had to be a stepparent or his child had a stepparent or another person in her life that became a pseudo stepparent, per se. And what he had to learn in that regard to be able to be not only a great dad to his own biological daughter, but a great dad to the other children in his life. Justin, thanks so much for being here today.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:02:42]:

Hey, thanks for having me on. I do want to say one thing quick because I'm sure a lot of people, when they hear Dr. Youngbody, they're like, what the heck is that from? That was a nickname that my dad had for me when I was young. It's actually a reference to from Gilligan's Island. If you remember the show Gilligan's Island, there was a soap opera that I forget if it was Ginger or Marianne would watch on the show. And there was a character in the soap opera named the Good Dr. Youngbody, and that's where that's from. My dad's been calling me that since I was a young child, and I've just kind of ran with it, so to clear that up.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:03:17]:

But yeah, thanks for having me.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:19]:

I love that and I appreciate you sharing that and making sure everybody understands. Not everybody's going to run to go check out and see if there's a clip on YouTube or something to that effect of Dr. Youngbody out there from Gilligan's Island. Now, I always love starting these conversations with an opportunity to turn the clock back in time. I mentioned that you have an eleven year old daughter. Let's go back in time to that first moment that you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:03:48]:

I was so excited. You talk about the first moment in my head I'm imagining when they told me we were having a girl, and it was a very exciting moment. I wasn't one of those dads that's like, I better have a boy. I've been surrounded by women my whole life. I have three sisters sorry, two sisters, three siblings. I have one very younger brother, but I grew up with my two sisters, so I was very excited. I took the chance to really kind of sit there and soak it in like, oh my gosh, I'm going to have a daughter. And I really had no idea what that was going to entail.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:04:23]:

My daughter's mother had two daughters of her own at the time, so I had some experience with some girls, but as all of parents out there know by now, every child is different. So there was no part of me that thought like, oh, well, this is how it is with these two girls. This is what it's going to be with her. Obviously, I knew this was going to be a very unique, one of a kind, individual little girl. So, yeah, I was very excited and obviously never looked back and never thought to myself, like, oh, I wish I had a boy, or anything like that.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:56]:

Now, I mentioned the fact that your daughter is eleven and you've had her in your life now for a number of years. As I talk to a lot of fathers, especially as they go through the different phases of their child's life, there are different fears, different things that they run into that they're like, what the heck, I don't know. And there's definitely some fears that go along with that. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:05:21]:

Honestly, with my daughter, I just always want her to be able to handle whatever life throws at her, and it's a guarantee that life's going to throw some things at her, whether that's in her relationships with other people, her family members as she gets older and let's say people passing away, just all that. And I've always wanted to prepare her however I can, to be able to handle whatever that is and try to just remind her that whatever does happen, you have to find a way to get through it because whatever it is, it doesn't make you a bad person because you were able to get through a difficult situation. Obviously, people grieve and go through all their hardships in their own way, but you have to find a way to get through it because if you don't, it's going to be hard to get through life and be happy in life. That's kind of been my biggest fear, is an event or something happening to her, whatever that is, that she feels that she can't get through. I mean, obviously we all worry about physical harm to our children and that never stops. Whether it's like I can think of countless times when you're at a very busy park, oh, can we play hide and seek? Heck no. You know what I mean? And they get so upset and it's like, I will not let you leave my sight for one moment. So, I mean, those obvious fears.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:06:43]:

But like I said, more than that. Just her feeling like she can't handle or get through something is my biggest fear.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:50]:

Now, you've had your daughter in your life for a number of years. What has been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:06:58]:

The hardest part? I would say with my daughter, there's none of that like unrelatable or me being a guy, her being a girl kind of problems. We have a very open and honest relationship when it comes to communication. She knows she can talk to me about anything and I'm not going to be upset with her. When you say raising a daughter, I hear raising my child because I haven't had to raise any other children, you know what I mean? I did have the stepson and the two stepdaughters, but I think that when you talk about the biggest challenge. Obviously for me, going through my divorce was tough and there were periods where I didn't get to see my daughter as frequently and at the time was very tough just not knowing how much time or when I was going to get to see her next. I wasn't in banking yet at that time, so my schedule was much more scattered. It was difficult until not only did I switch careers, but the divorce was finalized that now we're every other week. But at that time, it was difficult for me to keep my attitude and quote unquote, vibes high when I did get the time to either speak to or see.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:08:08]:

You know, I did get a really good piece of advice from a really close friend of mine. His name is Ryan, and he told me that the best thing you can do. I'd get so frustrated when, let's say, my daughter didn't call me, or maybe I called her, but she seemed distracted. And it's like, hey, I need you to need me, but more so just in what he said was basically just to try to make whatever interactions you have or whatever conversations you have enjoyable, or they're not going to want to have those conversations. And it sounds obvious, but once I made that change and it did go a long way, not only in how our conversations went, but obviously she wanted to talk to me a lot more. And when you're concentrating on the things that your child did wrong, instead of just enjoying what's happening, that's not going to lead to more positive moments. And that was a difficult time for me. But when I made that kind of switch in the way I responded to those moments, it did go a long way.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:09:09]:

And now I remind myself of that, but I don't really have to because it's kind of just ingrained in the way I interact with her, that whenever I'm able to interact with her. We're going to keep this positive. I'm so excited that I got to share this conversation or this event or whatever it is with you and much less like, why didn't you call me last night? Or things like that.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:32]:

With the fact that you're sharing custody, you're sharing opportunities to be able to spend time with your daughter when you do have her, what would you say is the favorite thing that you and your daughter enjoy sharing together?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:09:49]:

We laugh a lot together. I would say that's the number one thing, whether it's in the car on the way to drop her off at school or sitting down for a meal or sitting on the couch watching a show or playing our favorite video games together, it's just always the laughs that afterwards you remember. And it's always just like even just today I called my daughter and it was like, I had so much fun with you at dinner last night. Like, you were so funny. And that's when I know she's comfortable, I know she's happy, I know she feels safe, she's so funny. And that's, I think the moments I really enjoy and think about when she's not around is just laughing, hearing her laugh, her constantly making me laugh, because she is quite hilarious. She's quite the ham, if you know what I mean.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:46]:

Now. We met on Twitter. I noticed a tweet that you had put out where you were using the hashtag girl dad as a part of that for you. As you think about that hashtag, what does being a girl dad mean to you?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:11:02]:

I think the most important thing is just being open to whatever is about to come your way. Because I am not a girl, and obviously you want that to be whether it's a boy or girl. But having no clue what she's about to throw at me, whether it's what her new interest is, what is no longer her interest, all those things. I think that recognizing that we are here to support and empower our girls, I think that it isn't about being this strong dad, although sometimes that's required and necessary too. It's about building up your strong daughter so much more about them than it is about me being this I'm a dad now.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:49]:

One of the things you mentioned to me was that your daughter is an actress and that from very early on in age she has you and your ex wife worked to support her in the journey that she's been on to model and to act and to be not only her own person, but to develop a persona for herself in that world. Talk to me about that and how you both decided to encourage her, and then also help her to be able to do the thing that now she loves.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:12:24]:

So when she was born, her siblings all had some experience with that as well. Her daughter's, three years older than her, has similar experience. She's been doing it since she was born. Her brother, who is 18 now, has plenty of experience, although they weren't nearly as interested in it. They were very good at it, but it wasn't something that they were like, oh, I want more of this. With Isabelle from immediately, it was something that she really wanted to be a part of. Obviously not only because her siblings were doing it, but it's something that her mom and I both did our whole lives. So I'm sure it has something to do with that.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:13:03]:

But she just, from a very young age, has really enjoyed the attention of people and making people laugh and making sure people are entertained. She's always very aware of the people around her and how they're feeling, and she loves being part of what can make people feel better. And I think that's what motivates her. From an entertainment standpoint, it's not so much about the eyes on her, it's more about like she feels like she will make you feel better, which is almost always the case. She created this club at school last year where all the kids could create these clubs and then different students could join them. She created what was called the You Club, and what it meant was, this club's here for you. If you have a problem or you're going through something and you feel like you're alone, you come to our club and we're here for you. And that just says all you need to know about my daughter.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:14:02]:

She's just always about kind of bringing the place together, making sure everyone's having a good time.

Christopher Lewis [00:14:09]:

One of the other things that I mentioned at the very beginning was the fact that along the road, you have been not only a father to your biological daughter, but you've been a stepfather to other kids with your ex wife who now have a girlfriend. That is being a stepparent in many ways, right, for your daughter as well. And I know you've had to go through some of your own learning when it came to balancing being a father to your child, a father to your ex wife's, children and beyond. Talk to me about some of that learning and what you had to do to be able to balance that but also understand what it took to be a good stepparent.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:14:58]:

Well, I think from the early stages it's easy to be that extra friend. My situation raising my daughter'siblings was a little different in that I was raising them as a father, two of them anyway. But we won't get bogged down too hard in those details. But I think that early on it's easy to have this demand for respect kind of attitude, but that gets you nowhere is what I've kind of learned. And I did have to learn that the hard way. Like I said, it's a learning curve when you're parenting. And I think that the best thing I realized was when I saw or read this somewhere. But it really resonated and that's that your child wants to have the closest relationship with you more so than anyone ever that you've met in your entire life.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:15:49]:

But it's up to you as a parent to allow that to happen. And the more we are consumed by our own issues because as children and as adults now we are all kind of a result of our parents issues, right? But the sooner we can let go of our issues and not make them our children's, the better. And usually that's that ego of yours that thinks that somehow you demand respect. And I think that the second I stopped having that attitude and realized that I'm not owed anything, children aren't asked to be brought in this world. And I think that the parents out there that have the attitude that their child owes them something at some point is kind of ridiculous to me. I think that as a parent, not only are we here to raise our children and hopefully give them the best opportunities, but that continues. That never ends. And I know there's different schools of thought out there and ways to but once I stopped thinking that I was owed something or was entitled to something, I started getting a lot more connection with the children and obviously now with my daughter too.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:16:56]:

I mean, the idea of punishing her is outrageous to me. I would never think of doing that. If she does something that wasn't good for her or wasn't good for someone else, we would talk about why and she would feel bad enough. That is the punishment, you know what I mean? And not to start getting too spiritual, but I remember hearing that one time some people are wait to be punished for their sins. Sin is the punishment. Like knowing what you did is punishment enough. I certainly parent and my daughter a little differently now that I went through some of those trials and tribulations with the other children. But yeah, you're not going to connect with a child yelling at them or taking away their favorite item or that just builds distrust.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:17:42]:

And what if I screw up? What am I going to lose then? Instead of building this atmosphere where you can do whatever you want, just be you, and if something goes wrong or we've made a bad choice, we'll talk about why. But I think that was big.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:58]:

One question that comes to mind as I think about that is I know that you have gotten divorced from your ex wife and you now still have a relationship because you share custody, you have a daughter together, you were a father to her children, you now are separated, you're not together. And there are other fathers that go through that as well. And I'm sure there's a sense of loss that goes with that. Talk to me about that and what you had to do to reconcile that for yourself, but also to reconcile that with the kids as well.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:18:35]:

So that's a great question and that's definitely as not just a parent, but in my life, in my entire life been my biggest struggle and that's having raised a couple of kids that I don't get to see anymore because of all sorts of issues. But that's been very difficult. And when I first got divorced and I wasn't able to see them, it was important to me that everyone is aware that I still love these kids. Like there is no love lost or Isabel. My daughter is not taking a lead now because I no longer get to see these other children. That is not the case. But it was difficult in knowing where I'm supposed to be. I knew what I was feeling.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:19:21]:

I knew I was frustrated and I was angry and I was ashamed and upset and embarrassed and so many things because obviously you can't go back. But I also have an obligation to be the best dad I can for my daughter that I do have and I can see. So I try to take all the energy and all those emotions and try to just focus it on that and that I am here for her and I have control over that. And so I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I'm doing that the best I can. And without getting into too much details about my other situation, that's been ridiculously tough because every time I go and pick up or drop off my daughter, I might catch a glimpse of them. And it's tough. It's really tough. Some days more than others.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:20:09]:

I'd love to say that I'm past it, but I don't think I ever will be. But I try to remind myself that you can control what you can control. And I just want to be the best dad I can for my daughter that I am able to be here for.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:22]:

That is, the only thing that you can do is to be present and to do what you can to be the best father that you can be for your child that you still have in your life. And you never know. I mean, there may be a point in time that the other kids do come back and they reach back out and want to have that relationship in the future. It's always a possibility. And I think for any father that goes through that, you have to just keep that in mind for yourself and know that you have to work on your kids. The kids have to come to you. You can't force it, and you can't force that timetable.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:20:59]:

You got to keep working on yourself too, because I think that that's one thing that I had to remind myself, too, is as badly as I wanted them in my life, I need to respect them and the current climate of things. And to your point, I definitely came to a point where I was much more at ease with the fact of, like, all right, if it's meant to be, maybe someday it'll happen. But because I had made so many mistakes and wanted to have a chance to fix or rectify those issues, I may have pushed harder to try to force myself into their life when I probably shouldn't have. And again, another learn from your mistakes kind of thing. But again, all you can do is respect how they feel and keep being the best person you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:53]:

So true. So true. And definitely not an easy thing to learn, an easy process to go through, or an easy thing to have to handle or to deal with in any sense. Now, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:22:10]:

I'm ready.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:10]:

In one word, what is fatherhood love? Was a time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:22:19]:

I would say I stopped saying that I'm proud of my daughter. I stopped saying I'm proud of you. I've started saying you should be proud of yourself, because it was a switch where I no longer wanted to try to seek someone else's approval. She should be seeking her own approval. And if you're proud of yourself, that's all that matters. And I know that's a long answer, but instead of gleaming with my own pride, making sure that she's proud and.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:44]:

What was your daughter's response as you started making that switch?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:22:48]:

It was funny because the first few times I said it, I'd say, wow, you should be really proud of yourself. She'd kind of take a moment to self reflect and go, I am. And there'd be that nod like, you know what, I am really proud of myself. And it kind of was like, yes, that feeling. Yes, that's good. It's a good feeling.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:08]:

If I was to talk to your daughter, how would she describe you as a dad?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:23:11]:

She would probably say, I try a little too hard to be funny, but you know how it is. It's a fine line between hilarity and idiocracy when it comes to your child. Like, you're either hilarious or you're an idiot. And I definitely bounce back and forth. Sometimes my dad jokes are great. Sometimes they don't land very well.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:35]:

Now, who inspires you to be a better dad?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:23:37]:

I would say my father, for sure, and his father as well. My dad was very young when he started having children and had to kind of put schooling on hold. And eventually, once he got older, got his GED, got a job, now he's the CEO of a pretty large company. But at no point throughout that whole time, even though he had to work very hard, did I ever feel like I wasn't still important. And I think I try to remember that when I am going through things or working towards things or working hard, or maybe my focus is elsewhere, just reminding myself that this is still what's most important. And you need to make sure that they're still feeling that. Even if you know you're feeling it, that doesn't really matter. You need to know they are.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:20]:

Now, you've talked about a lot of different things. Some of the things that you've learned, some of the steps that you have tripped on along the way, things that still help you to be a better dad as you think about fatherhood, as you think about all dads, what's one piece of advice you'd want to leave with every dad?

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:24:38]:

You mentioned the word earlier, and I don't think it can be stressed enough, but just try as hard as you can to be present and in the moment, whatever that is, because it flies so fast. And everyone says that, but we only get so much time. And I keep hearing people say I'll say how great my daughter is and the relationship we have, and I'll tell them how old she is. And I always hear, like, oh, wait till she turns 15, or you don't hear that I hate you dad yet or whatever, and not my daughter, never. But I think that regardless of what's happening, just being present, not trying to be too reactionary, because the last thing you want is your kids to start closing up and not telling you things. So just being present and just being thankful for those moments because you don't get them forever. I heard someone say one time, the next time you're frustrated with your child, imagine that you went back in time and you were given this moment, like years from now, would you still be angry about whatever it is you're angry about? Or would you be so grateful that you have this moment and reminding ourselves that we are very lucky to be having these moments? So true.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:48]:

So true. I just dropped my oldest off at college.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:25:51]:

Oh, wow, that's tough. Yeah.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:52]:

As you drive away and you leave her there, and you then come back to that empty house, and we have two kids, so we still have one at home, but it's still much emptier without her there, you definitely feel that and you look back and say, you only have so many moments. And yes, so many fathers in my life said to me, they go by fast, and they do, and you take it for granted, but you need to know that that is so true. Don't get lost in the minutiae. Don't get lost in the little things. And don't let those take over your life, because take advantage of the little moments. Enjoy the little moments. Enjoy the big moments, too, because they will pass you by. Justin, I just want to say thank you.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:43]:

Thank you so much for being here today, for sharing your journey, for sharing your perspectives, for sharing the experiences that you've had as a father. And I wish you all the best.

Justin - Dr. Youngbody [00:26:53]:

I really appreciate you having me. It was really fun chatting with you.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:56]:

The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dadswithdaughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today. Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together.

Christopher Lewis [00:27:39]:

We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week, all geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

We're all in the same boat? And it's full of tiny screaming passengers? We spend the time we give the lessons? We make the meals we buy them present and bring your A game? Because those kids are growing fast? The time goes by just like a dynamite glass? Calling astronauts and firemen? Carpenters and muscle men? Get out and be the one to now? Be the best dad you can be? Be the best dad you can be? Close.

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In this episode of "Dads with Daughters," host Christopher Lewis welcomes special guest Bret Bielema, the head football coach for the University of Illinois and a father of two daughters. The podcast focuses on helping dads be active and engaged participants in their daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women.

Bret Bielema shares a heartwarming story about discovering he was going to be a father of a daughter. His wife surprised him with the news during a football season, using balloons and reveal cupcakes to announce the gender. The excitement of becoming a father overshadowed any fears or concerns.

The conversation delves into the challenges of being a public figure while also safeguarding his daughters' privacy. Coach Bielema discusses how he strives to balance his demanding coaching career with being a present father, even if it means only seeing his daughters once a week during the season.

As a football coach who mentors and molds young athletes, Bielema reflects on the parallels between his coaching role and his parenting role. He mentions the commonalities of dealing with loss and guiding young individuals through life's challenges, both on the field and at home.

The episode explores the unique relationships that develop between a father and each of his daughters, emphasizing that every child is different and requires individualized attention and understanding. Coach Bielema shares a touching anecdote about his daughter's perception of his work schedule, highlighting the need for more quality time together.

The conversation wraps up by discussing the significance of the "Girl Dad" hashtag, which represents the pride and joy fathers feel in raising strong, independent daughters. Coach Bielema expresses his deep appreciation for his daughters and how they have transformed his life, bringing unique perspectives and joy to his journey as a father.

Overall, this episode of "Dads with Daughters" provides insights into the challenges and rewards of being a dedicated father, particularly in the context of a high-demand career like college football coaching. It emphasizes the importance of balancing work and family life while cherishing the unique bond between fathers and their daughters.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be. Hey everyone, this is Chris and welcome to Dads with Daughters where we bring you guests to help you be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week I love being able to walk with you and talk with you about the things that you and I both can do. To be able to be the best dads that we can be. To be able to be present and active in our daughters lives, helping them, as I said, to be those strong, independent women that we want them to be in life. To get there.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:50]:

To do that, we have to have support, we have to be able to learn from other dads. And every week I love being able to bring you different dads that are doing fatherhood in a little bit different way. And every week we get to learn something new, we get to go on this journey together. And today we got another great guest with us. Bret Bielema is with us, you might know that name. Bret is the head football coach for the University of Illinois, and he's been at a number of different places, been around for just a little bit of time in the football scene. And I was really excited to be able to reach out and to get him to be willing to come on and talk about his own journey in being a father of two girls. Bret, thanks so much for being here today.

Bret Bielema [00:01:36]:

Hey, Chris, great to be on. I'm excited to be here.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:38]:

Well, I'm really excited to have you on as well. I think first and foremost, one of the things that I love to do, I want to turn the clock back in time. I want to go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter. What was going through your head?

Bret Bielema [00:01:51]:

My wife had surprised me, even just the announcement I found out during the season and I came home one night and she was acting a little silly and then she had a bunch of balloons out, but they were multicolored. Right. I didn't even know it's my first time going through this. I thought you knew right away. Right. She's like, no, we're having a baby, we don't know what it's going to be. So we went through that whole process and then my wife has a little bit of a sweet tooth, so we had reveal cupcakes. It was just going to be her and I just with the way my schedule was in season, I didn't know exactly what I could do or how we're going to do it.

Bret Bielema [00:02:21]:

So we had a cupcake reveal where she bit into a cupcake and we found out the inside was pink. And I really hadn't, in my mind formulated any opinion. I just was so excited to be a dad. And then, funny story, the second one after Briella was born and Brexley was on her way, of course we didn't know and we hired a photographer and Briella revealed Brexley. She came in, she was either going to be dressed in the pink or a blue outfit and she came strutting in in the pink. And I'll never forget grabing her and reacts to my wife. So it's been pretty two awesome memories.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:53]:

When I talk to dads, I talked to a lot of different dads over the years about fatherhood and about raising daughters. And sometimes there's some fear that goes along with that, some fear that goes into not only being a father, but being a father to a daughter. What's been your biggest fear in raising daughters?

Bret Bielema [00:03:09]:

I think a little bit just because of the nature of my beast of a business I'm in. You have a lot of people that obviously love and respect and what you do, but because of that, you bring along some things that aren't great, right? And people love to hate. So my wife and I make a pretty diligent effort to kind of guard them from those moments, especially as they get a little bit older and they're not on social media yet. But I've been very apprehensive about what's coming. I've always taken a lot of mental notes. I started my fatherhood journey a little bit later in life. I didn't have my oldest Riella until I was 47 years old, so I got to watch a lot of experiences from my former coaches, friends, buddies. I naturally have gravitated more to buddies now that have had daughters only, right? So get some advice, but really just the unknown and then protecting them from really themselves, right? Like my oldest, she's always just a little bit more advanced.

Bret Bielema [00:03:57]:

And so my little one, when my oldest didn't have to wear floaties in the pool anymore, she couldn't comprehend why she couldn't go without floaties as well. And I'm like, well, you'll be sitting on the bottom of the pool here in a minute if I don't hold on to you. Right? So there's the battle of just help and protect from each other. That's kind of one that's a lot of fun to navigate as well.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:13]:

Now you live a very public life and especially in the role that you're in and the type of things that you do in your coaching. Like you said, there are people that love, there are people that hate. And as you said, you and your wife are doing what you can to guard your daughters from that. Talk to me about that balance of the public life, the private life, and being able to find that balance for yourself as a father. How do you do that and be able to not only safeguard your daughters, but also allow for them to go on this journey with you in the sport that you love and that you are a part of.

Bret Bielema [00:04:54]:

I would say Chris first. It's a daily learning lesson. By no means have I got it figured out. I give an incredible amount of credit to my wife. Jen is absolutely, if there's a phrase, girl mom, she's incredible at it. Like, she just constantly takes care of nurtures, builds, develops, molds, takes care of everything from A to Z. There's times where I literally see my girls maybe once a week during the in season. I usually get home on Thursday night.

Bret Bielema [00:05:18]:

I try to pick them up from school on Thursdays, and then I don't usually see them until Sunday morning, and I'm usually out the door before 09:00 A.m., and I don't see them again till Thursday. So it's a pretty long stretch. But I would tell you that one of the things that I've really enjoyed, especially as now they're getting a little bit older, is they didn't know why or what or who I was. Right? Once in a while, I would see that dad's on TV. And then a big moment for me was two springs ago, I would pick my daughter up from school, and we're walking out, and just on that short walk from her classroom to the car, I probably had 1520 people say, hey, Coach, how are you doing, Coach? Nice to see you, Coach. Great job, Coach. And I got in the car, and my daughter said, why does everybody call you Coach? And I said, well, that's what Daddy does, right? When I go to work, you know where I go, what I do? And she goes, yeah, but that's what they call you at work. Why do they call you that in my school? I said, well, that's kind of what I've known to them.

Bret Bielema [00:06:09]:

The same people that see me at work, see me in your school, and the things that they do. And she's always kind of trying to process it. I was on media day here just a couple of months ago, and I said hi to Briella when I was on live TV, and she got a special kick out of that. So there's a lot of know, we safeguard the negatives, but it's definitely a work in progress.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:27]:

So, as you just said, you are a have you've had all of these players that you have molded. You have mentored, you have worked with throughout their lives, and that takes a specific skill set. And in many ways, you are mentoring and you're guiding, and you're molding, and you're helping your daughters, and that takes a specific skill set. Talk to me about the intersection and the interplay between what you do on a daily basis as a coach in your work and what you're doing at home with your daughters.

Bret Bielema [00:07:00]:

For right now, there's such a discrepancy in ages that your sets of problems are completely different, but they're also very common, right? Last year, unfortunately, during the season, I lost my mother. For us to go through that as a family, unfortunately, soon thereafter, my wife lost her father, who was one of my best friends. So there was a lot of loss. Right. And to help young kids deal with that and understand it still to this day, almost eight, nine months later is hard for them. But on the same reflection, there's several times over the last 15 years as a head coach, 30 years in this profession where I've had to deal with loss in the young men's lives that I work with, there's some commonalities there that are easy to bridge the gap, but there's also some differences. I would tell you what's been kind of awesome for me is the way that my players have reacted and interacted with my kids, right? Like, early on in my career, my coaches didn't even I was a single coach, wasn't even married. And when I got married, I took that first step, and then when I had my first child, right.

Bret Bielema [00:07:55]:

To see the evolution of how that's changed my thinking and my outlook on life, but to see our players interact with my girls, they were out of practice the other day. They were yelling my name up from the balcony, and the kids were like, Coach, you better get up there. Right. It's just fun to see the interaction in the cross section again. I give my wife a lot of credit. She kind of gives me a little bit of a heads up on what's coming at us and what can happen. But I try to live as vicariously I can through the moments I get. And then sometimes the moments I get are only through phone or FaceTime or videos.

Bret Bielema [00:08:26]:

But they're worth everything for me that.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:28]:

In that long fall that you have sometimes going into the spring as well, and into January and February. As you said, you may not see your kids only once a week, except for on video or through other means. With two daughters at two different ages, talk to me about how you develop those special relationships, those unique relationships with each of them, with the different needs that they have.

Bret Bielema [00:08:56]:

You know, Chris, it's a great one, and I'm definitely I got to figure it out, and I'm getting better every day. My wife, again, does a really good job of kind of helping me work through these moments when they can. But a case in point came for us. As coaches, we often don't get to do the things that everybody else gets to do, but when we get a certain amount of time, I know my calendar when I'm going to be available and be a little bit more present physically in front of them. So June is a really busy month for us, so we're getting ready to have a window. The last week of June 1, two to three weeks of July, where I was going to be around literally every day. I was going to try to be involved in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, for about a three week window. And I've told this story a couple times.

Bret Bielema [00:09:35]:

My youngest daughter, Brexley, she was upset I was getting ready to leave on the last weekend before it kind of really became a serious vacation time. And I said, hey, next week Daddy's going to be around. I'll be with you in the morning, I'll be able to take you to school, I'll be able to swim with you in the afternoon when you get home, I'll be able to swim with you at night. I'll put you to bed every night. And she looked at me, and she, well, are you going to live here? And I looked at her, and I'm like, Brex, I always live here. I leave before you get up. I get home and you're sleeping. I see you on the video, I give you a kiss on your forehead while you're sleeping.

Bret Bielema [00:10:08]:

And she goes, well, you don't live here. I said, yeah, I do live here. Where do you think I live? And she said, you live at work. And it just literally took my heart out of my chest right that moment. That's how she sees me, right? And we've done a lot to combat that and say and be present as much as I can, but literally, over the last several months, if I could steal even a 45 minutes window to go pick them up from school like every other dad gets to do, to grab them, to hug them, to bring them home is pretty awesome. It's kind of funny. The teachers, they know when I come in, it's not that often, right? And a lot of times I'll get a little emotional because I haven't seen them, and I think they know how special those moments can be, and that's probably what I look for more than anything.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:56]:

I can definitely see that, and especially in a role like you're in, where you're having to put 110% into the players and into the sport itself, and having your mind at that work. Twenty four, seven. To be able to be successful is hard when you're trying to then have to split that or split be able to show your kids and help your kids understand what that means and why that means that you have to be away. And there's other dads that are like that, too, but I can definitely see that and commend you for recognizing it and being able to do what you can to work on it, because it's.

Bret Bielema [00:11:38]:

Not an easy know, I think the part that's been awesome for me now, too, is they love coming to work. If Jen can bring me a coffee and they get to sit in my meeting room or my office for a half hour and draw markers on my board or whatever it is. Daddy, can I go to work? Can I go to work with you? And then they love being around my players. And then for me especially, I've got a lot of younger coaches on my staff with young kids. And we had a scrimmage two Saturdays ago that they had Mario Brothers showing in the stadium up on the big screen, and we got a little room set aside, and all of my coaches were able to bring their young children, and it was a madhouse for about two and a half hours. I don't think they watched too much of the movie. But to see the interaction of our kids that have a lot of the same things, right. Just like my coaches and I live through it, their kids and their families live through it as well.

Bret Bielema [00:12:26]:

So we do have some commonalities there that make it a little bit easier to do.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:29]:

Now, you and I got connected through your wife. Thank you to your wife for connecting us. And it really was because I saw something that you had put out there, and you used the hashtag girl dad. The hashtag's been out there for a little bit of time. It originally goes back to some of the things with Kobe Bryant and his daughter, and it's still out there, and people are claiming it and being proud of it for you. What does being a girl dad mean?

Bret Bielema [00:12:57]:

It's more than I could probably put into words or sentences. Ironically, I grew up a football coach, really never played basketball as a wrestler, but I had the great pleasure when I was with the New England Patriots. Bill Belchick flew in Kobe for a day to meet with our team, and I really didn't know him, but I was involved in what his schedule was and where he was while he was doing it. And I heard him talk to our team, and ironically, one of our players asked him about taking a helicopter to work. Right. And he made reference to, as crazy as this sounds, that the reason he takes a helicopter to work is to be a normal dad, because what he does every day is he would drive his kids to school, drop his kids off, and then drive to the helicopter. That helicopter enabled him to fly in a shorter amount of time to practice and fly back. And then he could, like every other dad, pick up his kids and drive them home from school.

Bret Bielema [00:13:46]:

And to know how that story ended right. And to know the process of why he had a helicopter was to become a normal dad just blows my mind. And it always kind of has a full circle when I see that hashtag girl dad. And then for me, I'm around young men all the time. I got 120 guys on our roster. I hire a staff that's probably 85, 95% men, and so I think the Lord has blessed me with two beautiful young women in addition to my wife. I go home every night to three women that have really, truly changed my life, that nobody else could have ever done. Like no one else could do that but them.

Bret Bielema [00:14:20]:

So it's pretty awesome in that regards. And it's funny how it just kind of keeps popping up. My chief of staff, who's been with me forever as a head coach, he's been with me all 15 years. Head coach, he's a dad, two girls. We had our defensive coordinator, Aaron Henry, who just got married about a year and a half ago, literally just gave birth to two twin girls. He didn't give birth, his wife did to two twin girls. And Aaron played for me. I met him when he's 16 years old.

Bret Bielema [00:14:42]:

He's 32 years old now. I've been with him for 16 years, and to see him now become the parent of two baby twin girls is pretty awesome. So it just continues to grow and affect all of us in ways that have been really special. One of my best friends from the state of Michigan, who I've known for probably the last 1520 years, he's the dad of three girls. And I was always around them when I was a younger coach, and I was always amazed at him and his wife, Julie and Stefan Schwarzmiller, they've built three beautiful girls who are all independently different. And I saw how each one was dramatically different, but yet the same in their love and appreciation for their just. It's fun to go through life and see these things through the perspective of a girl dad that no others can do.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:23]:

It is interesting to look at your daughters and see the distinct differences. I have two daughters myself. I know that each of them is completely different than the other. And the more dads that I talk to, I find that that's definitely the case in many cases, that the more kids you have, the more different they're going to be, and you can definitely not treat them the same. You have to know the differences. You have to treat them uniquely. And there are definitely values and other things that you can instill, but their personalities and the things that they need to be successful and to be able to thrive are going to be different from each other.

Bret Bielema [00:16:05]:

It's really been a game changer for me. My oldest, briella is six. She thinks she's 26, but she's really just six. And she's one that literally every time I've ever been around her. One of the great things I was able to be around this summer, we had her 6th birthday party and there was a little Mermaid theme that went on. And I'm, at a birthday party with a bunch of the moms, came and stayed. So I'm literally with twelve six year olds, about half the mother stayed and my wife and I was the only guy there, and there was mermaids everywhere. A lot of pink and a lot of frosting.

Bret Bielema [00:16:35]:

And I just really enjoyed watching my daughter interaction with her friends that I don't get to see very often. Right. And then my youngest daughter, Brexley was there, and she's two years younger, but she joined right into that crowd. Right. So I know because she's around her sister, she was probably a little bit more mature than most four year olds and how they handle it, but on the same account, Rexley, my oldest, Brielle, had a birthday party Saturday night. So I got home and I was able to take her in the pool, just me and her. She's four and her and I got to spend about two and a half, 3 hours just her and I together. And that made my entire month.

Bret Bielema [00:17:09]:

Right. Like, just to spend that moment. But her thinking is she's a very independent soul. What she wants, she wants now. And she doesn't like the word no in any capacity, whether it's a hot dog or a treat or a snack or she wants to go to bed. If she's told that she doesn't get to do something, she does not like that phrase. So everybody has got their own reactions, but it's been fun to watch the both of them grow.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:29]:

We always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five questions that delve a little bit deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Bret Bielema [00:17:36]:

Absolutely.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:37]:

In one word, what is fatherhood love? When's the time that you finally felt that you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Bret Bielema [00:17:45]:

TBD.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:46]:

If I was to talk to your girls, how would they describe you as a dad?

Bret Bielema [00:17:50]:

My youngest would say that I tickle her way too much, although she giggles the whole time. And my oldest, I think she likes the whole football thing. So she likes the whole coach role. Right. Both different answers, but both unique with him.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:03]:

And let's fast forward maybe 510 years. What do you want them to say then?

Bret Bielema [00:18:07]:

One of the things I did early on kind of just came about it, by happenstance, is I got a journal from my wife. Because when Bella was born, she was born on July 8, which is right before we start fall camp, I gave my wife a journal to kind of record a daily thought that could be relayed to me when I'm not around. Right. And I remember I came back after about a week and there had been one journal entry. Right. And I came back two weeks later and there weren't any more entries. So I grabbed that journal and I literally documented a daily thought every day for five years of my oldest daughter. And then I started with my second daughter and to go back and look at some of those journal entries, and I want to give that to them when they turn 16, and I want to show them the things that I saw, because there was a part of my life when I was with the Patriots.

Bret Bielema [00:18:53]:

I was away from them for months at the time. I wasn't around my daughter. But she's on your mind every moment of every day. Right. And I want to be able to show them that in their thoughts. So I want them ten to 15 years from now to know that even though their dad wasn't with them every day, I was with them every moment. And those are things that you can't put a price tag on, you can't explain until you're in the moment, and I'm looking forward to those moments.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:14]:

What inspires you to be a better dad?

Bret Bielema [00:19:17]:

Just the love that I have for them. Right. I haven't got it figured out by any means. I think all fathers are all parents always get better with time. I know I'm a better coach now, 15 years as a head coach than I was in year one because of mistakes. Right. I just want them to grow every day. I want to get better with them.

Bret Bielema [00:19:37]:

I really enjoy learning with them how to be a father, but there's one thing that guides me every day, is just a love for their life, right? Like, just a love for their daily, to hear their giggle, to hear their laugh, to hear their tears, to hear their joys, to hear their sorrows. There's just things every day that motivate you, inspire. Like, I just want to have them be the best version of themselves they could ever be. I want to give them everything, and that's not I get paid a good amount of money, right? We get to do some fun things. But what you give your child has nothing to do with the value of money. It has to do with the value of your soul. And I always tell parents when we're recruiting their kids, I'm going to be the best I am as a head coach. When your son needs me the most, it's not necessarily going to be a play or a call or a touchdown or a tackle.

Bret Bielema [00:20:24]:

It's going to be when they need me at their most because they've had a loss. I've had parents call me to tell their young sons that they've lost a parent or a grandparent, and I got to be the bearer of bad news. But I tell them in the recruiting, I'll be at my best when it's at its worst. And for me, as a parent, I hope to define that. Right. I will be at my best when it's at its worst for my daughters, and that's probably what guides me more every day.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:48]:

You've given a lot of piece of advice today, things that are guiding you in the journey that you're on as we finish up today. What's one piece of advice that you'd like to give to every dad, without a doubt.

Bret Bielema [00:20:59]:

Enjoy every minute. I think especially the perspective this year. I had my mom on this earth for 53 years. She unfortunately was taken from us literally in the middle of the night. Kind of an unexpected turn of events. She'd been a 25 plus year cancer survivor, breast cancer. We probably had had her longer than I'd even thought at some point. But even to have her for 53 years, I never get a chance to let them see her again, right? And they don't get those moments and nobody determines those times.

Bret Bielema [00:21:25]:

Only the big man upstairs does it. So I just think to cherish and admire and appreciate every moment you get is the only way to live it. And life's too short to carry anything else but love, man. There's no amount of pain or grudge or anger that should carry in your heart like let it be pure love. And hopefully only good things can happen from there.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:43]:

Well, Coach, I just want to say thank you for being here today, for sharing your own journey and the highs, the lows and everything in between. And I wish you all the best in the upcoming season. And thank you for everything that you're doing to not only help your own daughters, but helping all of the guys that are on your team to mentor, to coach, to help them in the journeys that they're on. Because you not only are a father biologically, but you end up being a father to many others as well. So I wish you all the best and thank you for your time today.

Bret Bielema [00:22:16]:

I appreciate it very much. Thank you for the time.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:18]:

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out The Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And The Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dads with Daughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:07]:

We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week. All geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be. We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give, the lessons, we make, the meals we buy them present and bring your A game because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just. Like a dynamite glass calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters and muscle men, get out and be the one to now be the best dad you can be. Be the best than you can be.

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Welcome back to another episode of Dads with Daughters! Today, we have a special guest joining us, Hotep, who will be sharing his insights on the Strong Dad Protocol. As always, we're here to guide you on your journey of being an engaged and active father to your daughters. In this episode, Hotep opens up about his experience of finding out he was going to be a father to a daughter and the joy and excitement it brought him. We also explore the special bond between fathers and daughters and the fears that come with raising strong, independent young women. So, grab a beverage and get ready to dive into the world of fatherhood on Dads with Daughters.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

Transcript

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]:

Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. And as always, I say this, but it's true. You and I are on a journey together and every week we have an amazing opportunity to be able to learn and grow as it comes to how we can help to raise our daughters and be active participants in their lives. And we do that every week by talking to other dads because we can learn so much from the other fathers around us sometimes we're not always the best at asking for help or not always the best at reaching out and talking to even that dad that's next door. So this is an easy way for you to be able to learn from other dads from all across the world that are raising their daughters in different ways and giving you some tools for that toolbox that you have. To help you to be able to put some things in place that will help you to be engaged, be active, and be in your daughter's lives throughout their entire lives. This week we got another great guest. Hotep is with us today. And if you've not met Hotep before, you're going to meet him today. But Hotep has been talking about something called the Strong dad protocol. We're going to be talking about that, but first and foremost, we always have to talk about being a dad. But first, Hotep, thanks so much for being here today.

Hotep [00:01:46]:

Thank you.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:47]:

It is a pleasure having you here today. I love being able to meet new dads, and one of the things that I love doing first and foremost is turning the clock back in time. Wouldn't it be great if we could just do that sometimes? But I would love to turn the clock back in time to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head?

Hotep [00:02:08]:

Well, my wife and I were we had just finished converting a van. I worked all summer on a van, from everything mechanical up to the inside. I created an entire space inside of this minivan, built everything myself and came home one day and my wife said, I'm pregnant. And first thing, I was extremely excited. And then the second thing I thought was, all right, how do I make this van capable of holding three of us instead of two of us? Which never ended up happening. But I held on begrudgingly for about two and a half, three months before giving it up entirely and deciding to set root. So I was really thinking about how my life was about to change. And I was pretty sure, well, I knew in my heart I was going to have a daughter because I've always wanted a daughter. Ever since I was young, I've been preparing myself to have a daughter since the day that I knew I wanted to be a father. And I was just deciding at this point, I just want to manifest the best person I can be for her.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:13]:

You just said that you always knew you wanted to be a father to a daughter. What was it about being a father to a daughter that resonated with you and made you, in your mind, say, I want to be a father to a daughter?

Hotep [00:03:26]:

To be honest, I don't know. I watched my dad with my half sister. I don't even know if that impacted me as much. I think perhaps it was just when I was really young, I knew that I wanted to be a dad, and my thought was, well, let me pick out the names that I would name my future child. And it was always girl names. I was always thinking of having a daughter. I never really even considered having a son, to be honest. It just felt like a really natural thing. I feel like some men, their life experience requires that they have a son because there's a lot that they need to learn in that aspect. And I think that other men don't struggle in that way, and it's a daughter that they need because it's a level of nurturing or softness that they lack in their life that's meant for them. I really feel like it's all divine based on who you are as a person.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:15]:

Talked to a lot of dads, and many of the dads tell me that in stepping into not only being a father but a father to a daughter, there's some fear, there's some fear to raising daughters. What would you say has been your biggest fear in raising a daughter?

Hotep [00:04:32]:

Letting her go, knowing that one day I'll have to send her out into the world to fly. I come from a family of very strong minded and successful and intelligent women, so I feel like the hardest part will be when she starts to assert her own will more than she can right now at this stage. I think that's going to be that's the part I fear. But I do realize that that is the natural progression of things. So it'll come and I'll accept it, but I don't want it to come. I put in my application for her to stay the same age forever, so I'm just waiting for them to give me a call back, let me know if I was approved.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:11]:

I think you're going to be waiting for a while. Yeah, I completely hear you there. I just dropped my own daughter off at college, and this is my oldest and talk about having to let her fly. It is definitely a challenge it's definitely hard for us drive away and drive away about 12 hours away to leave her and to let her fly. And you do whatever you can to prepare your daughters to be ready for that point. And I think we have prepared her well, but it's still not easy. And I think any parent would say that no matter if you're a father to a son or a daughter, leaving them when they go off, whether it's to college, whether it's into the military, whether it's whatever post high school, that's the first step and the first kind of the wings. You give them to fly, and you let them fly. But it's not easy. It's definitely not easy.

Hotep [00:06:08]:

It's not. And now that I actually think about it, I think that the term mama's boy and daddy's girl. I always wanted a child that I love my mom, and I always noticed that boys really are attached to their moms, and daughters are attached to their dads. And so I think maybe that's why I wanted a daughter, because I wanted to be integral in a completely different way. That relationship I idolized my mother and my mother and my grandfather who passed. Their relationship was very special, and I.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:35]:

Think maybe that's why now, your daughter is still young, but you've had some definite experiences with her, and you'll have many experiences as she grows. What's been your most memorable experience that you've had thus far as a father but also as a father to your daughter?

Hotep [00:06:49]:

I mean, right now, seeing her for the first time is the most memorable experience that I can really because every other experience is just trumped by the next day. Every time she learns something new, it's like a step up. Every day, I'm like, It can't get better than this. It can't get better than this. And in a little way, it does. But when I think about walking down the hallway with her into the next room and just looking at her little eyes as she was staring at everything, I think that was an amazing moment because it was like, it's here my life completely. It's not the same life anymore after that, and it's not your life in the way that it was before either. It's our life. So I feel like that moment will probably stick out for a long time until she does something crazy.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:38]:

Inevitably, there will be those times where you'll have something crazy happen, and you'll be like, what the heck? How do I respond to this? And you'd have to just let it roll off your back and just keep moving forward, and it's just another phase and another day of parenting, and you have to learn from it as well. Now, I first learned about you through a tweet that you put out there. You were talking about being a girl dad, and I love that. What does being a girl dad mean to you?

Hotep [00:08:06]:

Being a girl dad to me is what it truly means to set an example for how a woman should be treated. I feel like because I am the father to a girl, it propels me to be a better husband to my wife and just a better example of a man in general. And I look at the philosophies of my mother, my grandmother, the women in my family, and they were very much formed around the type of men in our family. And they always had a saying for the type of men in our family, for their work ethic and such. And so I feel like I always want to be a better man than I am. I always want to progress as much as I can. And I feel like being a girl dad is the best opportunity to because it's not just about you being the best example of a man. It's about setting a standard that she will have for the rest of her life. She's going to match every man up to you. If you did your job right, if you did your job to the best of your ability, she's going to compare them all to you. And I really feel like that just makes me want to be better every day. So that's definitely what being a girl dad is about. It's about self improvement.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:17]:

Talking about self improvement over the last few months, you've been really jumping into putting out a lot of different videos on YouTube. And it's about what you call the strong dad protocol. And I love what you say here. You say that what's this about? It's about promoting the wellness on men from the perspective of husbands and fathers. Being a strong dad is a mindset that reaches beyond the body. We seek to influence other men to seek the path of purpose as husbands, fathers, teachers, or living examples of stoic and strong men. This is not manospheric content. This is the strong dad protocol. Talk to me more about this. What made you create this? What is it about? And what pushes you forward to really want to create more, to help more fathers?

Hotep [00:10:14]:

I decided to create the strong dad protocol a few months before Father's Day. And it was mainly because I saw that it became a popular thing to teach men, to teach young boys how to be men. And what I was noticing is that it was coming from a lot of men who were single, childless, not married, had a lot of bad relationships. And to me, it was deafening. Trying to speak against them, trying to say, no, this is not how men are, this is how they are. And so I decided that the best way to combat the rise in popularity of that form of male based content was to just speak from the perspective of being a father and being a husband and providing an alternate space where men can understand. It's one thing to hear like this is how you should act when you approach women, and this is how you want to raise your children from someone who doesn't have any of those. But when you hear advice from fathers, there's a lot more wisdom attached to it. And there's like a growing wisdom too. It's not like I know everything. This is how it is. It really is more of a humble way of progressing. And that to me, is that was the driving purpose. I decided I would do the Strong dad protocol and I would bring people along as I grew and as I learned lessons as a man myself. And that's kind of the answer to both of those. And I mean, what propels me is being a father, being a husband. Every time I learn something new, I realize that the template is never solidified for men and that it always is evolving and advancing. And so it keeps me wanting to stay on top of this so that people can see. There's a saying by Amenhotep Akhenaten that essentially what it means is that a wise man, he doubts himself more than he is sure of himself. And that is where his progression is. And so when you see fools, they know everything. They're obstinate. You can't change their mind. And I felt like this manosphere thing was run by a bunch of fools. And I wanted to show that there are better men out there, that there are better examples of men out there, that you can be masculine and not be offensive or not be a host of the other things that they tie masculinity itself to. Because becoming more masculine saved my life. But when you say that, it's so unpopular to say that because people view it through the quote unquote toxic lens. And I wanted to say, well, no, masculinity is healthy for men, and it's because you're hearing it from these people that you don't understand it. So I decided to just do my own thing instead of reacting to them and trying to fight against their tide. I just created my own wave. And then, of course, Father's Day came around and the Hotep community that we're part of decided we would do Strong Dad June. And so I said, well, every day of the month of June, I will speak on an aspect of fatherhood and of being a man that should be learned, that should be taught. And it took life from there.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:49]:

When you talk about the Hotep community, talk to me about what that means to you, because I do know that hotep is a word that comes it's an Egyptian word, and I know that. But how do you define it for yourself and how do you embody that within yourself?

Hotep [00:14:07]:

I define it as it was delivered. I think that over the years, they've turned hotep into a derogatory thing. And a lot of people who are violent in thought and the way that they treat others, especially women, took that word and it became their moniker. But it's not their moniker. It's just they lack understanding. And so for me, finding Hotep was really about finding know. I derived my understanding of Hotep from Patahotep Akhenaten, Marcus Aurelius, all of these people, these are Hotep men. When you listen to Marcus Aurelius or you read his work, he talks about being a man in an upright manner, an upstanding manner. You don't go out of your way to bring others down. You're there to bring others up around you. And so all of those aspects are Hotep. And so I derived it from that. I said, well, this is how I view Hotep as it was delivered to us, and I try to embody it in that sense. The community that I'm a part of, the Hotep Nation community really has expanded. There's hotels of many different colors. And really it's about teaching how to be good in a society where being the opposite is promoted more, where being negative is promoted more. You're taught to raise a family. You're taught to educate yourself continuously, to be the best teacher by being the best student. You're taught to put your health before many other things and try to bring others up in that way, trying to lead your community. When you are embracing Hotep, you are embracing the best aspects of leadership that you possibly can. And in order to embrace that, you have to learn to live up to it. And so being Hotep is a constant. You wake up and it's a new day to be better than you were. It's a new day to employ a new understanding. And every time you fall, the community itself is there to uplift you, bring you back up and put you back on the right path. So that's what Hotep is to me. Whereas to others, it can be perceived as a male centered thing, but it really isn't. I mean, if you understand where Hotep comes from, then you recognize very much that the woman is the most sacred individual within the space of Hotep. And so it's really about men being better for this sacred woman in many aspects that's at least how know not interpreted it. Like I said, how it's delivered is how I interpret it, whereas others, they interpret it and put their own template on it. To each his own. But this is the pathway that I've chosen.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:57]:

I appreciate you sharing that. Now, I know in a number of the videos that you've created, you focus on a lot of things in regards to not only being a man, but you also talk about fitness and nutrition and taking care of yourself so you can then take care of your family as well. And especially as we get older, sometimes we fall off I'm going to say we fall off the wagon of the fitness wagon, per se, and we lose that routine, especially if we have had a routine. Sometimes we don't even have a routine. If someone has been off that fitness wagon for a bit and definitely wants to get back on it and find ways to be able to incorporate that back into their daily life, are there things that you would encourage them to do to at least move in the right direction?

Hotep [00:17:44]:

Yes. Temporary motivation to do something, it never is enough. So really it's about when people get motivated, they start and they go all in to it and that's where you end up falling off, because motivation disappears after the first day or two. After that, it's gone. So my suggestion is always pick little things that you can be disciplined in and start off small. So if you're someone who struggles more with the diet than actually exercising, pick two or three practices in your diet that you can change and become disciplined in doing just those two or three things. And then it'll kind of start rolling forward. You'll pick up some momentum from there and then being motivated from your own discipline is kind of different because it pushes you towards finding more areas where you can achieve that discipline. So if you're someone who struggles getting started in the gym, I always say just start by waking up and doing some sort of exercise. If you can wake up and do 20 push ups a day, ten squats a day, something really small and over time you will recognize the benefit and the need to do more. Even like, let's say some people, they have their free time, they sit at home, they relax and they watch TV. Do something during the commercials or while you're sitting there watching TV, get down on the floor and just watch your favorite show while you do some squats. And something that you can employ easily first is usually the best way because not everybody has the ability to just jump head in and do it. It sounds easier than it is. And I recognize that for myself, I was incarcerated and I was pretty active before and I was going to the gym before, but just enough. And so you get in there and you're kind of just pushed right into exercising a lot by the older guys there. So for me, it's easy to just jump headlong into something to eat the same thing for months on end. But for others it's not that easy because there's so much variety in life and things drawing away your attention. So that's why I say doing something small and working your way up from there. If you get a gym membership, go for just one day a week and that one day should eventually push you towards wanting more, you're going to recognize it and just being honest with yourself as well. If you cannot love the vessel that you're in, then improving it will never be your imperative. You'll always be trying to just satisfy the negative feelings you have, but you're never actually there to embrace yourself. So you got to love yourself. You got to accept what you are, what you look like, and realize that you have more control over this space than not. The lack of control, it comes from a lack of discipline. So doing small things shows you how much control you actually have. In this aspect. We can't control our outside world, but we can control what goes in our bodies. We can control how we choose to meet the day. So it starts with the mind. It starts with making positive steps in the mind. It's not enough to see something. You see something online and you're like, man, I got to get out there and work out, right? And then what happens? An hour or two later, you've forgotten about that and it's no longer in your lexicon. It's no longer there anymore. So even at that point for me, when it comes to writing, sometimes I'll have an idea and it'll go away because I don't act on the idea. So whenever it comes to my mind, I act on it as soon as possible. So if you're looking at a video and you're sitting at home on your couch and you're like, man, I really got to get into it. Stand up and do some stand up and do 20 squats or something like that. Something that's going to linger, the feeling right? Your legs will be a little sore if you've not really done it before, so that soreness is going to linger. It'll show up the next day and you're going to realize, oh yeah, I started exercising. Let me do something else. Things like that and an education change what you consume, and eventually you'll become that. If you consume crap content for a long time, then you don't really do much, but kind of just sit around in a crappy state. But if you start changing what you take in like when I was trying to compete for Bodybuilding, my entire algorithm for my YouTube had changed. All I saw was things about Bodybuilding and that kept me fresh and focused and wanting more out of it. So that's another thing, is it starts with what you consume and then your mind, and then those small steps. And then eventually if you have discipline in another area, then it's not hard to have it here. It's just a different space. But discipline is the same all around. It's the same action no matter what you're doing. It's just can you apply it to a different action?

Christopher Lewis [00:23:00]:

Now, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Hotep [00:23:06]:

I'm ready.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:07]:

In one word, what is fatherhood humility? When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a.

Hotep [00:23:13]:

Father to a daughter, finally letting her transition to her big girl bed now.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:18]:

Who inspires you to be a better dad?

Hotep [00:23:20]:

My wife.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:20]:

If I was to forward this conversation five years, ten years, how would you want your daughter to describe you?

Hotep [00:23:26]:

I would want her to describe me as a man of constant evaluation, of improvement. Someone who is never satisfied with just being good at not at life necessarily, but good at being her father. Someone who's always trying to be better for her.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:44]:

Been some different pieces of advice today. You've shared your own experiences and some of the things that are most meaningful to you as we finish up today. What's one piece of advice you'd like to give to every dad?

Hotep [00:23:55]:

Every day is a new time. It's a new moment to become better. But that does not mean that you will become better every day. Some days you will backslide, some days you'll be forgetful. Some days you'll be hard on yourself. And I think that the most important thing through all of those days, every one of those days, is that recognizing that you are human, you are learning just as much as she is learning. And you're never going to get it 100% correct. She's going to grow up and she's going to have her one criticism, if not more. There's no such thing as the perfect parent. And so you can't live every moment trying to be the perfect parent. My mom, she says we work with the tools we're given. Whenever we talk about my dad or we talk about our relationship, she says you work with the tools you're given. So if that's the case, take the tools you have and just constantly refine them and get better at them, and you will fulfill as much of your destiny as a father as you can. And the whole goal is to pass away on a forward momentum. And really, that's it. What do you want to leave behind? Think about what you want to leave behind, because it's not just about your family. It's about that your imprint on the world. What will people say about you? How will people feel about your existence on this world? And if you spend your life trying to be perfect, then they're never going to be able to absorb who you are. And that would be my piece of advice.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:37]:

Well, ho, Chad, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your own experiences today, for being here and for sharing this journey that you're on. And I wish you all the best.

Hotep [00:25:47]:

Thank you. I appreciate you.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:48]:

We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts. But more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected] if you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dads with Daughters Facebook community. There's a link in the notes. Today Dads with daughters is a program of fathering together. Find out [email protected]. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week. All geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be. We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them present. Bring your A game because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite glass calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the one to now be the best dad you can be you be the best that you can be close.

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Welcome back to another episode of Dads with Daughters, the podcast that highlights the challenges and joys of being a father to strong and independent women. Today, we have a special guest joining us all the way from the West Coast. Tyler Ranalla, a talented photographer and father of three (with one on the way), shares his insights on fatherhood and the unique experiences he has had raising his daughters. In this episode, Tyler opens up about his initial fears and insecurities upon discovering he would be a father to a daughter, and how he overcame those doubts. He also discusses the unexpected differences he encountered in parenting his son compared to his daughters, and how he and his wife navigated through these challenges together. Tune in as Tyler shares his most memorable experiences as a father and offers valuable advice on being the best dad you can be. Join us on this inspiring journey of fatherhood on Dads with Daughters.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

Transcript

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources. And more to help you be the best dad you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]:

Hey, everyone, this is Chris, and welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week. I love being able to sit down with you and to be able to talk with you, to be able to walk on this journey with you, maybe sit next to you as we go along this journey and be able to talk about what it takes to be an amazing dad and what it takes to be able to raise our daughters, to be the strong, independent women that we want them to be in their lives. And to do that, we can't do it alone. We have to have people around us. We have to be able to learn from other people. We have to be willing to put ourselves out there and know when we don't know everything, because none of us know everything. Let's be honest. There's no playbook for being the amazing father that you want to be, but you can get there. And you can get there on the backs of many other dads that have gone before you or that are going through it with you as well. So every week, I love being able to talk with different dads, to listen to their experiences, to learn from their experiences. And to be honest, no matter where you are in that parenting journey, you're still going to be able to learn. If you have kids that are infants, if you have kids that are in their teenage years, in their college years, or even if they're adults, you never stop being a father. You're always going to be a father, and you can learn from other fathers along the way. So this week, we got another great guest with us. Tyler Ranalla is with us today, and Tyler is a photographer out on the West Coast. I'm in Michigan. He's out on the west coast. And we're going to talk a little bit about photography and capturing memories and capturing those special moments. But first and foremost, we have to really talk about Tyler being a dad because he's a father of three with one on the way. So he's going to be a father of four coming up here not too long, and I'm really excited to have him here. Tyler, thanks so much for being here today.

Tyler Ranalla [00:02:27]:

I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:29]:

My pleasure having you here today. And first and foremost, what I would love to do is I want to turn the clock back in time and I want to go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head.

Tyler Ranalla [00:02:41]:

Okay, so I didn't find out the gender until she was born. So the first moment that I saw she was a little girl, I think I was the first person in the hospital room to see it. And that very first moment, I got pretty scared because I didn't know what it meant to raise a girl. I didn't know what that experience was like. And so my first instinct, rather than pure excitement, was actually a bit of fear of like, am I going to be good enough for this?

Christopher Lewis [00:03:08]:

Let's talk about that fear because I've heard that from other dads as well. And they're definitely not only is there fear of just being a father in general, because unless you have really strong role models and you have the experience of having other kids in your life, and even if you have that, it doesn't prepare you completely to be a father. So as you had your first daughter, what was your biggest fear in raising a daughter?

Tyler Ranalla [00:03:33]:

Yeah, I think it was just that I didn't have the right tools to be able to support her, her journey, because I didn't know what that was like. But that went away pretty quickly, I think, too. Just like Daddy's little girl, where it always protects. But yeah, biggest fear, I think, is just a normal fear. I think most people's fear in every aspect of their life was just, am I enough to deal with this? Do I have enough? Am I enough? Now?

Christopher Lewis [00:03:56]:

I know before we even started recording today, one of the things we talked about was the fact that you do have three kids. Now you have two daughters and a son. And one of the things that you mentioned to me was that you found that it was more difficult for you to father your son than it was to father your daughters. Talk to me about that.

Tyler Ranalla [00:04:19]:

Yeah. So once that fear kind of subsided, and then I just got to just relish in this beautiful little girl, I'm sure, some other fears for me. I was 19 when she was born, so I'm sure there were some other little fears about going on around that, too. But the biggest difference from having for me personally, from my daughter to my son, my second born as a boy, was as he got older. I found I had less patience for my son than my daughter. And I think it was something around like, my little girl, she can do no wrong. And that's why I thought it was for a while, it took me a bit to understand that I had more fears over raising a boy because I am one man now, my son would say. And I projected a lot more of my fears of what it means to fit in a society onto my son. And so because I had more fears, I was also more reactive and less patient because I felt I needed to correct things sooner. I've worked on that since, but I definitely was surprised at how more reactive I was at the very beginning. And my wife was the exact opposite. She had all the patients in the world for our son, but was a little bit more reactive with our daughter. And so we saw that pattern, and we had talked to other parents about it and saw that pattern as well. And it was, believe it's, projecting your own fears from your own experiences onto the kid that may have the same experience as you.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:41]:

How did you and your wife talk through that and be able to process it enough that you were able to start making changes and you may still be making changes that you're putting into place now so that that pattern doesn't continue.

Tyler Ranalla [00:05:57]:

I mean, first up with everything is awareness. So we had to eventually admit but we noticed it in each other. We noticed the not lack of patience. There wasn't void of patience. It was just one kid got more patience than the other. We noticed the differences and called them out to each other. Probably not so kindly at first, trying to be the protector even. And man, I don't even know how we switched into realizing that it was from projecting our own fears onto them. I think we just talked through it over, like, a while and then just started to consider maybe if it wasn't something wrong with our kids and it was something that we were going through, what that thing was. As we slowly unpacked it, we just eventually I don't even know how we got to that exact conclusion, but realized that it was something that we were dealing with. And if I really think back, I think we looked at it's always easier to notice other people, right? I've heard someone say, like, if you don't brush your teeth for three days, you won't know, but everyone in the room will know, but your nose is located right above your mouth. And like, how is that possible? And the idea with that is it's really hard to recognize what we're doing, but really easy to recognize it in other people. And we actually, I think, started recognizing it in people around us more first. And then we started to be like, wait, are we doing that too?

Christopher Lewis [00:07:16]:

Now, I mentioned you have three kids, you have two daughters, and in their lives, you definitely have had different moments, different experiences, different things that are going to make it unique and make the experiences unique. What's been the most memorable experience that you've been able to share thus far with your daughters?

Tyler Ranalla [00:07:33]:

Most favorite one? I don't even really know why was my wife and I went down to we live in Northern California. We went down to Southern California and there's this church, glass church that's located in town called Palace Verdes that's beautiful, called Wayfair's Chapel. And it was right down the street from where my wife's grandma lived. She's passed now, but we were visiting there and it's right near the ocean. And I was, I think, taking some video for fun with the memories. And my daughter started just like she just appeared over this hill and was just running towards me screaming, it's like Daddy. And there was something about it that was so pure and so simple, so beautiful, and it was her running to me. That's the specific part of the memory. It wasn't even like when she actually got into my arms, it was just the memory of her running to me and just being so thrilled to see me. She's eleven now, so that would never happen right now, but at the time maybe she was five or six or so. Yeah, that's one of my favorite memories to date.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:46]:

As I said, when you have multiple kids, each one is unique. And as a father, you have to be able to have those unique experiences with them to keep not only special time and special relationships with each of them, but also be able to not completely separate them out in regards to favoritism and things like that. What would you say is your favorite thing or is the favorite thing that you like to do with each of your daughters?

Tyler Ranalla [00:09:14]:

Oh, this is eleven, youngest is a year and a half, so they're very different now. And I think it's important to note too that if you have siblings, I have sibling. And even though we had the same parents, we had very, very different upbringings. And sometimes siblings as adults struggle with that reality and who our parents were at different times were different. So even though we had the same parents, not really, because they were different people. And so who I am now for my daughter, who's Nora, who's a year and a half, is very different than who I was for my oldest, Aria, and she was a year and a half. But now I think the underlying thing always my favorite thing is just to be in their presence. It doesn't necessarily matter what I'm doing with them, especially now with my eleven year old, because we don't necessarily enjoy the same things. I don't think she knows what she enjoys yet. It's more just actually being in the presence. I think that lights me up more than anything or I'm just really there, right? My full mind, body and spirit is there. I'm not somewhere else, I'm not thinking about work, I'm not thinking about this other thing. I'm just completely and fully there.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:19]:

Talk to me about that balance because you just talked about sometimes you have to be there, you have to be disconnected from other things but be present for your children. And you're busy, you're a busy person, you've got a lot going on. I know that even us being able to schedule this, you have a lot going on. So talk to me about balance and what you have to do to be able to balance work, fatherhood, being a husband, being a son, all the different hats that you have to wear. How do you balance that so that you can remain engaged and present for your children?

Tyler Ranalla [00:10:57]:

I know there's so many different polarizing views on balance, right? Some people say it's possible. I don't think of balance in terms of a certain amount of time here, a certain amount of time there. I think of balance as more like if you visualize somebody standing on a board that's on top of a ball and you're trying to balance, and the best way to do that is to be really present. The more present you can become, the more focused you can become on that exact moment, the more balanced you can be on that board. Same thing with the kids. So it's really to me, balance is the ability to be present no matter where you are at, right? So when you're at work, you're fully at work. When you are with the kids, you're fully with the kids, whatever it is. And that's really hard. That's really difficult. I think that's what people monks go spend years learning how to do. So I don't seek balance as much in terms of time. I do try to be extremely available for them. Like, my work schedule is not. I try to follow the school schedule, right? Like eight to three. I want to be available afterwards for whatever is needed. That's not always the case. So I definitely try to build a life where I don't work as much, so I can be in their presence more. But if I did that and then when I was with them, I was thinking about work instead, then it defeated their purpose. So what that schedule looks like is different for everybody. But I think the idea of presence is what can run true for everybody.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:19]:

Something that came out a few years ago was the term girl dad and became very popular. Started seeing it in a lot of social media. People claiming to be girl dads and saying that with pride. What does being a girl dad mean to you?

Tyler Ranalla [00:12:37]:

Interesting, because having both girls and a boy, I feel like the better I've become as a dad, the more I've let go of girl dad or boy dad. Like, it's just dad. I think that the issues come from when I try to put them into a box, if that makes sense. I think the things that matter to me is dad would be like protector. I want to make sure that they know the door to my home is always open for them. Never closed and never will be. Whereas I've seen some parents treat their girls and their boys differently in that regard. Maybe they could be harsher with the boys. I'm like, no, you have to be provider. I don't feel that way. Personally, I think a father is about that door always being open, and it's almost maybe that simple in how I see my role.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:18]:

Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you're a photographer and you even talked about in the experience that you had down in Southern California, taking that video to capture those memories. And I think sometimes there's questions about how to best capture those memories. And we have a lot of things at our fingertips. We've got our phones, and we've got some people do have more expensive cameras, but sometimes it's just trying to figure out what's the best way to be able to capture those memories while still staying present and not feeling like you have to be trying to capture that right moment at the same time when you're dealing with your family. So if for someone that is looking to get better at taking pictures or capturing video or doing things like that, what are some of the first steps that you would recommend to someone to be able to capture those moments and capture those memories that they can then have for their entire lives?

Tyler Ranalla [00:14:21]:

Best way to capture memories is actually also the best way to be a dad going back to the presence. So I'll explain this in a few ways. The first thing is we all have multiple masks. We have masks we wear as husbands, masks we wear as dads, workers, business owners, whatever. We all these different masks that we wear right throughout life. And we mainly specialized in weddings. And weddings are really interesting because during that day, the couple, they're putting on every mask that they've ever put on in their whole life. Like in one day, right, they might have their first grade teacher there, their parents, grandparents, college friends, the whole spectrum of who they've become through this lifetime. They have to take those masks on. Roth seeing everybody in their life, and that's a really, I think, strange experience for a lot of people. And as a photographer, I was always looking for the moment where they weren't wearing masks anymore. And it always only happened once or twice. And it was like this moment where it was like they were just truly them. It was an image that even when they are older and maybe in their eighty s and ninety s and wrinkly and just look different, like their grandkids could look at that image and be like, oh yeah, that's grandpa. Oh, that's grandma. There's a video of my grandmother who's passed eleven years ago actually, and there's a video of her when she was like in her it's like so purely her. She's like sliding across ice in some northern state or in Canada they were visiting, and it was just a street that was iced over and she was just like running and sliding across and it was like such a youthful energy. And that was what I remembered about her, was even when she was much older. And so as a photographer, I'm always looking for that moment where somebody is really truly themselves. The masks are gone and we want to give our kids that permission to really be themselves and not who we think they are. So in capturing memories, I think people are going to get stuck if they're trying to get a specific memory, this moment, they're like attached to an outcome, they're probably going to not get the best memory possible. So you want to facilitate the space for your kids, just be, just exist and just be themselves. And you want to capture image when they're so in their own zone that they're maybe not fully aware that you're there in a way or that the camera is there. And if you can just get that extremely genuine image, that's going to be something that you'll hold on to, that'll be your favorite memory forever. So you just have to kind of create the space to allow them to be fully present with themselves. Really.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:51]:

I love that. And I think that that's not easy. As you said, you'll go to a wedding and you'll only find two of those moments in the entire time. And I think people get impatient, especially as they're trying to capture and they think they have to find the perfect moment or stage the perfect moment or be able to do something to capture it. And what I'm hearing you say is, no, the perfect moment shouldn't be staged. It should just happen. And I think that what the hard part for me is hearing that is how do you find it? What do you have to do to be able to find it and capture it?

Tyler Ranalla [00:17:32]:

I guess that's a trick. You can't find it. You have to let it find you.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:34]:

Maybe that is definitely the hard part. And being patient enough to being willing to just let things happen. I think about the fact that right now it's back to school time and kids are going back to school and you get people that are taking pictures that are being shared of the first day of school and they always look perfect. But how many pictures did they have to take to get that one shot that the kid was happy with, that they were happy with? Because sometimes I think we get drawn into a false sense of reality because of social media, what's shared on social media. And it makes lives look perfect when lives are not always perfect, but what we put out in front of people make it look perfect, which may may kind of fall into some of the things you were just saying.

Tyler Ranalla [00:18:23]:

Yeah, it does. If you think about that memory, that's good context is like, who is this memory for and what is it for? And if you think about like, hey, if you're thinking about the social media or what's going to look like or looking to have this perfect life. It's always going to have the shallowness to it sounds really rough. I just mean it in terms of imagine instead thinking about what image could I capture right now for my kid, for them to look back on when they're 30 and just relish and remember and what it was like to be themselves fully before the world started telling them who they needed to be. So if you change the purpose behind why you're taking the image and you make it for them, that might make it a lot easier to step into what that memory that you're trying to capture would be.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:08]:

Now, as I said, there's a lot of ways to capture memories when you're talking about equipment. And people can go all the way up to the DSLR cameras that are thousands and thousands of dollars to the phones that you take with you. That could be still thousands of dollars, but you're still carrying them with you as you go around. What do you recommend to people if they're saying to you, I want to be able to capture memories, I want to be able to take pictures, I want to be able to get good pictures that I can share and keep. What do you recommend to people?

Tyler Ranalla [00:19:44]:

Well, that video that I have of my grandma, she was in. Her quality is expected, right, from something that was now 70 years ago, technology. So the value of memories isn't the dynamic range or the shallow depth of field or all these things. Those can be helpful and nice, but don't stop yourself from capturing memories because of technology or limited by technology. Now, if you want to learn more about just how to craft an image to be able to bring more emphasis into that moment, I would definitely look up something called focal length and compression. And one of the things for like when I do family photos now, I mainly coach photographers, so I don't shoot as much anymore. But get yourself some longer lenses or like zoom in more on your phone, which the quality might be less in terms of pixels and all these things. But by giving yourself a little distance from the memory, you give the subject or your kids or whoever it is a little bit more ability just to be present and in their own world, and then you get to capture that more. That'd probably be the first thing I'd recommend, is just zooming in and stepping back further, removing yourself from the moment a little bit. That's something that anyone could do with any type of technology they have is just zoom in a little bit more. So then you have to step back further. If you're in the DSLR place, that would be a telephoto lens. But definitely don't stop yourself from capturing memories because you feel like the quality isn't good enough. Like the quality of a memory isn't dictated by the pixels or the colors or any of those things. It's who's in that image, makes it valuable and what they're doing at this moment in time that's going to be gone in a second and never to return.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:30]:

Now, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Tyler Ranalla [00:21:38]:

Cool. Let's do it.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:39]:

In one word. What is fatherhood love? It's a time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter presence. Was there a specific moment?

Tyler Ranalla [00:21:48]:

I think that's what makes that memory so special, the one at the glass church out in the field in front of it is I was just, like, completely immersed in that moment. I was nowhere else.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:58]:

If I was to talk to your kids and your one and a half year old might not be able to say too much, how would they describe you as a dad?

Tyler Ranalla [00:22:07]:

Depends on the day. On the good day, so I look good and perfect fun, I will exert an enormous amount of energy just to be with them, whatever way. At birthday parties and things, usually the parents are hanging out and trying to relax, and I'm in there with the kids just trying to make sure no one gets hurt and having as much fun as possible. And then on the not so good days, probably impatient. On those days where I'm not present, I'm not there. I still have those moments where I'm just a little bit short and I don't get down their level as much. I'm concerned about schedule and things like that. So I'm both not perfect, which I think one thing that is important to add to this is I don't want any of my kids to think that they need to be perfect. And so in those moments when I'm not perfect, I make sure as quickly as possible to acknowledge it in front of them, be like, you know what? I'm sorry I didn't sit down and chat with you. I think as time goes on, I'm getting faster and faster at correcting and acknowledging with them and teaching them that it's okay not to be perfect, teaching them that it's okay to make mistakes, hopefully give them a little bit more permission to be themselves and not be afraid of making mistakes.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:13]:

Who Inspires you to be a better dad.

Tyler Ranalla [00:23:15]:

Honestly, this might not be the most beautiful answer. It even really makes sense, but I just think about my own childhood and what I wish I had gotten differently. If I've really allowed myself to sit into there and imagine what things could be like if things were slightly different and I had really, for the most part, a really nice childhood, that's something that it makes me aware of the impact that I have and the potential I have to make a really wonderful impact on them.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:39]:

Given a bunch of different pieces of advice. You've shared some of your own journey with me today. What's one piece of advice you'd like to give to every dad as we finish up today?

Tyler Ranalla [00:23:50]:

Like really two that come to mind. The first one that came to mind was just to piggyback off of the last answer. It was just to not be perfect, but that is more a track to follow to get to the place of just being with your kids. I know there's an audio that I've heard that says if you're having a hard time being present, just imagine that you were 80 years old and you had one day to travel back in time to just spend with your kids. And I really like that and I think it's really beautiful. I kind of would go a little further with it and say, imagine today was my last day to be with them. It's a little bit maybe more morbid, but for me, it anchors me in this awesome opportunity to be here now with them. And when I get into there, a lot of the other stuff just fades away when I think about like, if this was the last time, what would be that impression? I'd want to leave with them and usually it's not even as much as what I want to leave with them, as much like I just want to enjoy them while I can.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:48]:

Well, Tyler, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story today, for sharing the journey that you are on and that you continue to be on as you're expecting your next child coming as well. And I truly wish you all the best.

Tyler Ranalla [00:25:03]:

Thank you. You as well. Thanks again for having me.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:06]:

We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dadswithdaughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today Dadswithdaughters is a program of fathering together. Find out [email protected]. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week. All geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

Song [00:25:55]:

We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them present. Bring your A game because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the one to now you're the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Dads With Daughters is part of The Dads Podcast Network, powered by DadsSupportingDads.org

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this episode of Dads with Daughters, our guest Mike Stout, known as the Northland Adventurer, shares his journey of fatherhood and his remarkable experiences kayaking the Great Lakes.

In this episode of the "Dads with Daughters" podcast, host Christopher Lewis talks with Mike Stout, a father of two daughters known as the Northland Adventurer. Mike shares his incredible journey of kayaking across the Great Lakes and how it has shaped his perspective on fatherhood.

Christopher begins by highlighting the show's mission to help dads be the best fathers they can be. He introduces Mike Stout as a guest who has had remarkable experiences kayaking the Great Lakes and raising two daughters. Mike expresses his excitement to be on the show.

Mike shares his journey as a father, starting with his deep desire to have two daughters, which he had envisioned since college. When he found out he was going to be a father to daughters, he was ecstatic and felt blessed. He reflects on the joy and anticipation he felt during that time.

Christopher asks about Mike's fears in raising his daughters, and Mike responds that he had no fears initially, as he was committed to being a great father. He had even planned to write a book about exceptional fatherhood. However, he later felt like he failed during a challenging period when he became a full-time single parent during his daughters' fourth and sixth grade.

Mike shares that he regrets not being able to protect his daughters from the traumatic experiences they went through during that time. His daughters have since reassured him that he did not fail as a father, which has provided some relief but also lingering guilt.

Christopher delves into Mike's relationships with his daughters. Mike discusses how he created unique bonds with each of his daughters based on their individual needs and strengths, emphasizing the importance of spending quality time with each child.

The conversation then shifts to Mike's transformation from a corporate executive to the Northland Adventurer. Mike explains that he made this change when he became a full-time single parent. He started kayaking, fell in love with the sport, and began pursuing increasingly challenging adventures, including crossing Lake Michigan multiple times. His adventures were driven by his desire to live without regrets and set an example for his daughters.

Christopher asks how these adventures have changed Mike's perspective on life. Mike shares that they have made him truly treasure life and appreciate every moment. He describes the different phases and emotions he experiences during his long kayak journeys, highlighting the profound sense of gratitude he feels for his life and the opportunity to watch his children and granddaughter grow.

Mike discusses his future goals, primarily focusing on his affinity for Lake Michigan and the possibility of doing more kayaking trips across it. He also mentions his desire to give back, create nonprofits, and help businesses.

The episode concludes with Christopher's "Fatherhood Five" questions:

1. In one word, what is fatherhood? Mike answers, "A gift."
2. When did you feel you succeeded as a father to a daughter? Mike recalls feeling successful when his daughters told him they were proud of him and when they told him to forgive himself.
3. How would your daughters describe you as a dad? Mike hopes they would describe him as affectionate, supportive, driven, and adventurous.
4. What inspires you to be a better dad? Mike is inspired every day by the legacy he wants to leave for his daughters and granddaughter.
5. What one piece of advice would you give to every dad? Mike advises dads to celebrate the good times and seek support from friends and family during challenging times.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]:

Hey, everyone, this is Chris. And welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter's lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, I love being able to sit down and talk to you about the journey that you're on in being a father to a daughter. And every dad's journey is just a little bit different. And that's why it's so important for us to talk to other dads, to listen to other dads, to learn from other dads. And that's why every week I love being able to bring you different people, different guests, different dads that have done this fatherhood journey in a little bit different way and that are still doing their fatherhood journey in a little bit different way. And this week, we got another great guest with us. Mike Stout is with us. And Mike is a father of two daughters. Be talking about that, but he's also known as the Northland Adventurer. He has had some really remarkable experiences kayaking the Great Lakes and doing some other really unique things. And we're going to talk about that as well. And I'm really excited to have him here today. Mike, thanks so much for being here.

Mike Stout [00:01:28]:

Thank you, Mike.

Christopher Lewis [00:01:31]:

I said that you are a father of two daughters, and one of the things that I love to do is learn a little bit more about you as a dad. So what I would love to do is turn the clock back in time and all the way back to that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter, what was going through your head?

Mike Stout [00:01:50]:

Wow. Yeah, it was a blessing. It was a miracle that came true. I'll go back further. When I was in college, at the age of maybe 20 years old, I began looking forward, looking envisioning what would my life be like? And the only thing I thought of and could think of was, I'm going to have two daughters. I envision holding their hands, taking them shopping, spending time, and that was my singular vision, was going to be the father of two girls. So I never envisioned playing baseball or football or tennis or golf. But the son, it was always two girls. And I've been blessed with two girls. So when I first heard that I was going to be a father, I was ecstatic, of course. Couldn't wait. And then when we discovered it was going to be a girl, it was Islam, a blessing, a miracle that came true. I was just ecstatic.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:54]:

I talked to a lot of dads, and many dads talk about that. There's definitely a fear of being a father, just in general, but especially with dads, with daughters, that sometimes there's that additional fear of raising daughters. Talk to me about what was your biggest fear in raising your daughters.

Mike Stout [00:03:13]:

I had such high anticipation. I had no fear. I was just excited. I knew if I had the opportunity, I was going to be a great father. And I was so committed, so confident and so sure I was going to be a great father. And being also a corporate executive, I was going to write a book about being exceptional father. I wanted to make sure that every father knew how important it is for them to be active in their children's lives, but in particular their daughters. Unfortunately, things happen in life and we went through some terrible times and I felt that I failed horribly. And it was about when they were in the fourth and 6th grade, I became a full time single parent, so legal and so physical. And what they went through during that time was so traumatic. I felt I failed because I could protect them against those unimaginable difficult times they went through. So it may be my single greatest regret that I can protect them. And being a father, that's our role, to protect our children, in particular our daughters. So it's still tough.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:34]:

Let's talk a little bit about that because I know that, like you said, it was a tough time. And for you, I guess now your daughters are adults, you raise them and they're out on their own. As they reflect back now and I don't know, have you had those conversations with them about what you had hoped to be as a father, what you tried to be as a father, and what they reflect back to you about? Of course, for you it was a traumatic time and you know, it was a traumatic time for them. But as you talk to them now and they reflect back, do they give you feedback that eases your mind at all?

Mike Stout [00:05:10]:

In fact, they have during that time when they're young teenagers or preteens, it was tough, it was confusing for them, for all of us. We're all going through it for the first time together. And being a single father, you get the good, the bad and the ugly. Being a single father, you get mostly the bad and the ugly because they have their girlfriends to give the good to. But I don't mind that I was there. That's my role. I'll take it all. But now that they're adults in their mid 20s often talk to them, one in particular, and they reassure me that I did not fail. That they often say it was because of maybe my being always there and being that pillar that they needed to lean into. That they're proud of what I did. And they were proud that I was there for them, as many other fathers perhaps wouldn't. So having them tell me that it's a great relief feel reassured, but I still feel guilty for not having done more and that's just the reality. But having said that, we also have a granddaughter, which is when you have your children, it's amazing, but when you have a grandchild, it's unimaginable. And I feel that despite all the things that we've gone through, we have come all, you know, full circle and we are better off than I could have ever imagined. So there's hope. There's hope for all of us, even those during those most difficult dark times. And hope people hang out of that and believe that.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:46]:

Appreciate you sharing that, because that was one of the things I was just going to say, is that it sounds more hopeful than not that for all dads that are going through those dark times and there are going to be some dark times for some dads as they go through that experience, there's going to be high and low points. That may not be as catastrophic as I can tell, that the experience that you went through, but there are still going to be highs and lows and that even if you feel like you failed, you may not have failed, but it may take a little bit of time to work your way back. And that's okay. You just keep working your way back. And we have to never give up on our kids. And as I can tell, you never give up on your kids. And that's one of the things and one of the roles that a father has to do.

Mike Stout [00:07:31]:

Exactly. Never give up.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:33]:

Now, as you look back at the relationship that you have with your daughters and you think about each of them, I mean, when you have two kids, you have to do different things because they're different people. You have to build unique relationships with each child. As you think back to both of your kids, how did you create those special bonds with each of your children?

Mike Stout [00:07:58]:

Uniquely, I was lucky because of the age difference. They were typically in different schools, they were in different competitive teams, had different friends. So I could give them the individual time as they were growing up. But they required more of time, more of my time obviously, to tend to both of them. But I had individual relations and experiences with both of them based on their strengths and weaknesses and moments of need. So because of the age difference, it worked out really well.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:28]:

That definitely helps. And for some dads you have that larger age difference. Other times they might be right on top of one another and then you have to deal with that as well. But it is so important to be able to create that time, create those moments and have those special moments with each of your children because they will remember that. Now, I did mention that you are also known as the Northland Adventurer. And I know that there was a point in time where you made a big change. You said you were in the corporate world, and as you transitioned out of the corporate world, you made some changes to your life to look at things that you enjoyed doing, and you did some new things. So talk to me about this transition and what it means to be the Northland adventurer.

Mike Stout [00:09:14]:

Yes, it's been quite the journey. The transition was when I became a full time single parent. I did choose between corporate America and being a full time parent. Unfortunately, I had the means and the opportunity. I thought it was an easy decision. Like I mentioned before, when I was in college, that was my single goal vision, to be the best father. So I was dedicated to that. So when I pivoted, I began consulting. And as our children get older, they become stronger and more independent. And then when they have keys to the car, the dad seemed to be less important than ever before. So as it became, young adults became into their own. It was time for me to rediscover myself. What can I do that I will enjoy personally? Help me from a mental, physical and a spiritual perspective. For some reason, living in the Twin Cities in Minnesota, with the lakes and rivers around, the idea of kayaking came to mind. And I picked up the sport of kayaking, and it touched me. I was fortunate to have, not too far where I live, the Minnesota River, the Mississippi River, the St. Croix, the Namicagan, some incredibly large scenic rivers, and being somewhat competitive and always pushing to be better, I picked up the sport and just fell in love with it. It provided the exercise, the serenity, outdoors, water, adventure, all those things that I love. And immediately I began looking for greater challenges, greater distances, more challenging rivers, greater speed. And very early on, I had the idea of crossing Lake Michigan just after I began the sport. And being from West Michigan, having an affinity for the Great Lakes, I've always felt very comfortable, felt there's been a tug back to the lakes. So I didn't tell my daughters that immediately, and I told a few others, and nobody thought that was a good idea. Paddling 50, 60 miles across the great lake as a beginner, kayaker, it's risky, but I was confident in my skills and my enthusiasm. And the first trip was extraordinary. I paddled from the middle of the afternoon, all night long, early morning, under the stars. Just an amazing experience. But being the first time, it was kind of scary and at times overwhelming. Like anything for the first time was an amazing accomplishment. So the next challenge, I thought, well, I'll cross Lake Superior. Knowing how a few thought Lake Michigan was a good idea, I kept that idea to myself. Make a long story short, the next year I journeyed across Lake Superior. It took me 27 and a half hours it was a treacherous paddle. I was lucky to have gotten off alive. I vowed to never return to Lake Superior again if I got off alive. I made it and I've not gone back to Lake Superior. Then the next challenge was to cross Lake Michigan for the second time, then a third time, then three times in a year, and then for a 6th time. So I'm lucky and excited and proud to say I'm the first person to cross Lake Michigan solo unassisted. Not just once, but a record six times. So the Northland adventure has stuck with me because of over the six years I paddled 6000 miles across the upper Midwest, some of the most scenic rivers and lakes, the Great Lakes, and it's been in this amazing journey. Another factor I chose to do this is because my dad died at an early age and he had regrets that he didn't do those things he wished he had. My brother died when he was 55 and I was 51 at the time. And he had great regrets that he didn't do things that he wished he had when he had the health and opportunity. So that was perhaps a driving force that I wanted to do things when I could. I would have no regrets and also perhaps proved to be a role model for others, but also to give my daughter something to boast about. They say, my dad did this, let's talk about that.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:46]:

So you did these feats. I'm going to say you had these opportunities, you went and crossed these large, vast areas and you did it alone and by yourself. And you did prevail, you did get through, even through Superior. But let me know, as you started to do this, as you continued to do this, what kind of feedback are you getting from your daughters?

Mike Stout [00:14:11]:

They've been asked that a number of times by reporters and others, and they simply say, well, that's what my dad does. So at first they thought was maybe a little bit aspirational foolish, perhaps they use different adjectives to describe my thoughts, but now it's simply what their dad does. So I'm glad to be able to instill upon them the sense of independence, confidence, to challenge yourself, pursue new goals. And in that, they have both moved to California on their own, never having a job. So we want to go up there and pioneer and create our own path. We feel that we can do this on our own. And hopefully that my example of pioneering and being adventurous has given them a new venue and a new view on life.

Christopher Lewis [00:14:59]:

Let's talk a little bit about what you've learned along the way. So as you go across these vast distances by yourself, I'm sure there's definitely time not only to reflect and to think and to ponder, but at the same time, when you're going across a place like Lake Superior that is going to challenge you in other ways and threaten your life. You definitely have to reflect in different ways. But as you've done these different things and as you have been challenged in different ways, how has it made you look at life differently?

Mike Stout [00:15:39]:

Good question. It makes you truly treasure it and fully appreciate every moment. Especially value those times with your family and close to your friends. Crossing Lake Superior, that was all about survival. I just wanted to get off alive and to be able to watch my children grow and my granddaughter grow as well. In crossing Lake Michigan, I've got that down to a pretty fast pace of just over 13 hours. I've become much more strategic in my approach, choosing good windows of opportunity. But when you cross Lake Michigan, there's four distinct quarters. The first quarter is all about the enthusiasm, the excitement of being able to do this again. Get out there in the middle of the lake where all you see for hundreds of square miles, just a sea of blue. The lake takes on the colors of the sky. It's just an incredible, peaceful, tranquil moment. The second quarter, you start getting into the routine, the effort, the exercise, pacing yourself on the time, the energy, the meals, hydration. It becomes a workout. The third quarter, you begin doubting your wisdom. You're getting fatigued and tired, and even though you're enjoying it, you know you're only halfway through. But it's somewhere near the end of the third quarter, the beginning of the fourth, just before you can see the lighthouse on Lake Michigan, you look up and you really begin thinking and thanking God for such a remarkable life. You think about what you've done and what you haven't done, what you wish you could have done differently. But it all goes back to just how much I appreciate the life that I've had. My two daughters and of course, my granddaughter. So when I look up in the sky and look up in the heaven, I begin envisioning. And actually, I can see the faces of my grandparents, my parents. I imagine my mother rolling her eyes and my dad nodding affirmatively, my brother encouraging me. I see the face of my best friend, Jack Hoyle, who just died a few days ago. The close mentor. Pamela kaspari. And they're all cheering exciting, except for mom. Mom's a little bit apprehensive and wonder what I'm doing. You get this amazing closeness with God. I literally envision speaking to and looking at my brother and my parents, grandparents making my way to Pamela, then Jack, and Jack's next to God. And I just want to take another look down that line and take a picture of God. But of course, the picture of the vision disappears when you're out that lake. And that what drives me back to the lake. To do it that 4th, 5th, 6th time and likely a 7th time, is that closeness that I get there and nowhere else. That closeness with family of past friends and family who passed on before. And I just hope others can truly appreciate how lucky we are to have the life that we have and the opportunities, and most importantly, just embrace your friends and family and of course our daughters and our children and grandchildren. You really appreciate what you have through alone. It's all you have is simply yourself and your thoughts at the time.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:18]:

You've done some things that other people might have only dreamt of or they may have only thought of doing, or maybe never have even thought of doing, have no interest at all in doing. As you think about the future and other goals, other things that you might want to do. Are there white whales out there for you to slay? Are there other lakes that you want to cross? Do you want to do Ontario and Erie as well? Do you want to do other things as you look at the future?

Mike Stout [00:19:51]:

Well, I really have an affinity for Lake Michigan. I grew up on West Michigan and I'm always being pulled back to that great lake. So I envision doing a 7th paddle. Maybe there'll be more, but it's just because of that closeness I get with my family and friends and god, I don't envision going anywhere else besides Lake Michigan. I could do others, but that'd be more for. Simply the accomplishment saying I've done this, I've done that, but that close I get. The family on Lake Michigan is extraordinarily special. That draws me back. But I do see doing other things of perhaps giving back. And also before I close, my chapter is to create other nonprofits and help build other businesses and leverage my skills in marketing, business development, and entrepreneurialism. So I have plenty to do, plenty to yet to accomplish.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:56]:

We always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Mike Stout [00:21:03]:

I'm ready.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:04]:

In one word, what is fatherhood?

Mike Stout [00:21:07]:

It's a gift.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:08]:

When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Mike Stout [00:21:12]:

When they tell you that they're proud of you, that affirmation is amazing. And when they tell me to forgive myself?

Christopher Lewis [00:21:22]:

Now, if I was to talk to your daughters, how would they describe you as a dad?

Mike Stout [00:21:26]:

Hopefully, and I think they would, they would describe me as being affectionate, supportive, there for them, driven, adventurous, and hopefully proud.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:37]:

What inspires you to be a better dad?

Mike Stout [00:21:39]:

I'm driven every day to be a better dad. Like I said, when I was in college, that was my goal. My vision was to have two daughters. And whatever I do, whatever I accomplish, be it in business, adventure, sports, my legacy is my two daughters and granddaughter and doing the best that they can for them.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:02]:

Now, you've given a number of pieces of advice you've talked about your own experience, but what's one piece of advice you'd want to give to every dad?

Mike Stout [00:22:10]:

Just celebrate those good times as there are many and during those times of doubt, of worry, to know that you're not alone. You too will get through this and seek those friends that are closest to you because they too have gone through difficult times. We are not alone.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:30]:

If people want to find out more about you, where's the best place for them to go?

Mike Stout [00:22:33]:

They can go to my website, the Northland Adventurer, and send me an email there. I've got a nonprofit called Michigan Waterways Stewards. They could go there. It's wwwaterwaystwards.org or maybe contact you.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:54]:

Mike, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story today. Thank you for getting out there and living that adventurous life. And I can live vicariously through your experiences as well as everyone else can as well. But I truly appreciate you sharing your journey today and I wish you all the best.

Mike Stout [00:23:11]:

Thank you.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:12]:

We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step by step roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dads withdaughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today Dads withdaughters is a program of fathering together. Find out [email protected]. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week. All geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:01]:

We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them present. Bring your AC because those kids are growing fast. The time. Goes by just like a dynamite glass calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the one to now be the best that you can be be the best that you can be you.

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On this episode of Dads with Daughters, host Christopher Lewis invites entrepreneur and author Peter Shankman to discuss their experiences as fathers raising daughters. They start off by sharing relatable stories about dealing with slime during the pandemic and the challenges of explaining divorce to their young daughters. Peter emphasizes the importance of being present for his daughter and finding balance in his life through managing his ADHD. Peter shares his personal journey with ADHD, discovering it as an adult and developing coping mechanisms to navigate the condition. He believes that medication is not always necessary for success and suggests exploring alternative coping mechanisms. As the author of "The Boy with the Faster Brain," he aims to help kids with ADHD feel less misunderstood and prevent them from experiencing shame in the long run. The conversation also delves into the concept of neurodiversity and the beauty of thinking differently. They discuss the importance of understanding and embracing neurodiverse needs, highlighting what children are good at, and finding ways for them to have fun while learning. The episode concludes with a heartwarming story about a spontaneous trip to a water park that the speaker and his daughter will cherish forever. Join Christopher Lewis and his guests for inspiring conversations and practical advice on raising strong, independent daughters every week on Dads with Daughters.

If you've enjoyed today's episode of the Dads With Daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the Fatherhood Insider. The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most are figuring it out as they go along. The Fatherhood Insider is full of valuable resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step-by-step roadmaps, and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly with dads like you. So check it out today!

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:06]:

Welcome to dads with daughters. In this show, we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:00:17]:

Hey everyone, this is Chris. And welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast, where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to be back with you again this week. As always, we're on a journey together in looking at ways in which we can best raise our daughters to be those strong, independent women that we want them to be and to be able to be successful in their own journeys as individuals. And every week I have the pleasure of being able to bring you different dads that are doing it different ways, dads that you can learn from and be able to get different ideas from, different experiences from, because every father fathers in a little bit different way. And that's great because we don't have to be the same type of dads, but we can learn from each other and be better fathers in the end. And that's what this show is all about. Today. We got a great guest with us. Peter Shankman is with us. And Peter is a I'm just going to say he's a multi entrepreneur. He has done many different things in his career that has led him down the pipeline of being very successful in what he does. But most recently, he has become a author, a kids author, I'm going to say, because he has a brand new book called The Boy with the Faster Brain. And it's a little bit of, I'm going to say a little biographical in a way, in the sense of talking about his own experience and finding out that he had ADHD and what that journey was like for him. But also it's a book to allow for other kids and parents to be able to explore that in a little bit different way. So we're going to be talking about that as well. He also is a father of a daughter. He has a ten year old daughter and we'll be talking about that as well. Peter, thanks so much for being here today.

Peter Shankman [00:02:07]:

My pleasure. My dog obviously says hello as well.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:10]:

Well, I love being able to talk to different dads, and what I would love to do first and foremost is turn the clock back in time. I said you have a ten year old daughter, so I want to go back to that first moment, that first moment when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter. What was going through your head?

Peter Shankman [00:02:26]:

It's actually a really funny story. When I first found out, when my wife called me, most dads, they find out they're going to be a dad in some special way, the wife does something sweet, they put a little onesie inside the dinner table or something. I'm coming back from a meeting in Washington, DC. I'm on the Metro, heading over to Union Station to get an Amtrak back to New York, and my phone rings, and I see it's my wife, and I'm like, hey, honey, what's up? Because I'm pregnant. Okay, well, I turn around to, like, the 14 guys on the subway. I'm like, should I get them cigars? How does this work? So, yeah, that was how I found out in that amazing and overwhelming way. And of course, when we found out it was a girl, I was sitting in her my wife's office. She was at work. She's like, they're going to call us soon. I'm sitting there, I wanted a girl. I don't know why, but I wanted a girl. And so I was really excited. I was going to be this great girl dad, and I like to think I've kind of lived up to that. We have a lot of fun. She is a daredevil to an extent. Like, her dad haven't taken her Skydiving yet, but I know that's on the I'm sure that's on the list the second she and is 18.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:20]:

So one of the things that I hear from a lot of dads is that in becoming a father, there's fears, but there's also some fear going into raising daughters. And I guess for you, what was your biggest fear in raising a daughter.

Peter Shankman [00:03:34]:

Who'S going to be like me? I think there's a ton of fear, but my fears weren't the norm. I didn't have that whole, oh, I'm going to get a shotgun, and she can't date. That's not my thing. I wanted to get hurt. The only way you learn is if you get hurt, right? At least in my experience. My fear is that she was going to be she's a very sensitive kid. She cares about everything. We live in New York City, homeless capital of the world. I live two blocks west of Times Square, and so when COVID hit, it just decimated our area because all the homeless population in New York City was moved into a five block radius around my apartment because all the hotels here were turned into homeless facilities, which is fine, but they weren't made into homeless facilities with services. They were just made into places for people to stay. And that was a huge problem because you can't take 9000 people, put them in a five block radius and not give them services. And so it was tough. I had her explain to my daughter at age seven, the, no, honey, he's not dead. The needle sticking out of his arm means he has a problem, but he's getting help. It was tough. So she's very sensitive, and she cares that she wants to solve the world's problems. And sometimes, as much of a bitch as it is, you need to explain, honey, you can't solve all the world. Not all the world's problems can be solved at this moment. On the walk to the corner store and we've had countless talks about that, about what we can do to help homelessness. So we volunteer and we work at a soup kitchen. We're on the Hell's Kitchen litter brigade, and we built a dog park in an empty space overlooking Port Authority under the bus bridges. That this empty area. So we do things. But I call her Warrior Princess, and I love that she's as sensitive as she is. She will change the world, but I want her to live her life and not have to solve every single problem that the world throws at her. There has to be a middle ground there because unfortunately, she definitely got my sensitivity.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:21]:

I mentioned you've got your hands in a lot of different things. You've had that for many years and you have been a multi entrepreneur in many different ways and been successful in many different ways, but you have been busy. So talk to me about balance and how you have been able to balance being that serial entrepreneur as well as being able to be present and engaged with your daughter as you've raised her.

Peter Shankman [00:05:51]:

So my balance for me comes from my ADHD. There are certain things I have to do in my life to make sure that I can live the life I want in the way I want it and be the dad I want, I think, for lack of better word. So what does that mean? My day starts around 430 every morning with exercise. If I am not exercise, I am not the best person I could be. And so for me, I was up at 430 this morning. I was on the peloton. I got my couple of hours in. That's my definition of balance because I'm on that bike before she wakes up. And so when I get off the bike, I take a shower, I wake her up and I'm present. Right. The dopamine, the serotonin, the adrenaline that I receive from that ride gives me that balance, lets me be the best dad I could be, the best person I could be, the best entrepreneur I could be, best parent I could be, the best son I could be, best boyfriend I could be. So it has to start with that. From there, there are other things I'm able to do. I take her on as many business trips as I can. I'm speaking in January, I just landed the confirmation yesterday. I'm speaking in Greece at a keynote in January. And part of the contract, they have to fly me and my daughter out. So Florida school for a few days, we're going to Greece, things like that. So last summer we went to Michigan. I had to give a keynote at McIntyre Island. We spent an extra couple of days trips and around the island and Michigan, things like that. So for me it's sort of figuring out how to do that and where to go and what to do and making sure that as busy as I am, she's included and understands it. She doesn't just see me at a computer doing busy work. She understands. Today daddy's speaking. Tomorrow daddy's going on TV. Everything makes sense. It's a circle.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:25]:

So being a father is not always an easy thing. There are highs, there are lows, there are ups and downs. I mean, it's a roller coaster of a ride at times. What's been the hardest part for you as a father to a daughter?

Peter Shankman [00:07:39]:

Wiping slime off every conceivable surface in my house. We discovered slime during the pandemic, and it doesn't fucking end. It just never ends. There's always more slime to be made. But no, if that was the worst thing, I'd be thrilled. I think the hardest thing. I've had to answer the question several times, why aren't you and Mommy married anymore? We get divorced when she was three, and so for the first couple of years, anytime I did anything that didn't involve her, there was jealousy and there was a fear that I was going to leave, when in fact, nothing could be obviously further from the truth. I'm constantly here. It's gotten easier. So I think that the hardest thing for me as a girl. Dad hasn't really hit yet. I think it's going to come as she gets older. There have been a couple of times where I've seen her. Her teachers have told me that, yeah, she's very active, she has tons of friends, but sometimes she just prefers to sit by herself at the playground and read or make her own games up. And that doesn't really bother me so much because I was a loner, too. There's a big difference between being alone and being lonely, and I think she understands that already. That's the case. She's doing better than me. At the end of the day, I think the goal is I just want her to be happy, and I know that's going to come with some sadness, but I'm okay with that because you have to have that balance.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:49]:

You talked about that you try to make memories with your daughter that probably at age 18, you're going to be taking her Skydiving. There's been other experiences. What's been the most memorable experience that you and your daughter have been able to share together?

Peter Shankman [00:09:01]:

Here's a classic ADHD moment. Last summer in late July, early August, we were bored one night, and I tell her, she's not allowed to be bored. Even the inside of your mind goes on forever. It's endless. You cannot be bored. There's always something to do. So she's like, Daddy, I have nothing to do. I'm like, all right, let's search something. Let's look something up online. What do you want to look up online? Let's look up the biggest water slides in the world. Great. So we sit down in front of the computer and we start looking up the biggest lives of the world. And would you believe one of the top ten water parks in the world is in Tenerife. So I'm like, would you believe one of the largest water parks in the world is in this small little island to African called Tenerife? We should go there. She didn't say that, I did. And so I look at her calendar, I'm like, yeah, you have like, three more weeks of summer camp, and you have like, ten days between summer camp. Yeah. Let's go to tenerife. And so we booked a flight like that night, right? And I pity god, I pity whoever this kid marries. This kid, god, this kid better be rich, because it's not even about money for me. I just have billions of miles because of how much I travel for work. But yeah, she's going to want to go somewhere. She better make no, actually, screw that. She better make a lot of money. She better be able to do this because the funniest line she ever said to me was once she goes, how come Mommy, when Mommy and I get on a plane, when Daddy and I going to play me sit in the front, and when Mommy and I get on, play me sit the back? I don't know. You have to talk to mom about that. I can't really sorry escape and avoid that one. But no, what it comes down to is that ADHD brain kicks in. We went Tenerife, spent four days sliding down these amazing waters. I had a blast. And it was just this, what a wonderful way to end fourth grade or end third grade, fourth grade. And those are the kind of things that I want her to remember for the rest of her life. And I want to do with her these just random, spur of the moment, let's go somewhere and have fun trips. There are times for the other side of the coin, too. Her mom is taking her to Paris at the end of August, and they've been planning this for over a year and a half, and I think it's wonderful, right? They have their schedule. They know exactly what they're going to do every day. They're going to do this this day and this, this day and sit here. That's great. And I love that. And there's definitely a place in the world for that. My idea of travel is, okay, we're here, let's figure it out, right? And so if she has the best of both those worlds, I think that's amazing.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:09]:

Now, I mentioned at the beginning of the show that one of the reasons that we're talking today is you've got a brand new book, and this isn't your first book, but it is your first children's book that you have written called The Boy With the Faster Brain. And you've talked about ADHD in the past, but more on the business side of things. And you also have had a number of other books out there in talking about business customer service and influencing and things like that. Talk to me about the genesis of this new book and what made you decide that you wanted to move into writing a book for kids.

Peter Shankman [00:11:48]:

I wrote this book because I don't want any kid to have to grow up feeling as broken as I felt. I had a pretty rough childhood, and that doesn't mean I grew up in a van down by the river. It doesn't mean that my parents weren't totally supportive. They were. My problem was that I grew up in New York City, in the public school system, in the where ADHD didn't exist. What existed was, sit down, you're disrupting the class disease. And I had that very, very bad. And so every day, every single day, I would come home with a note from the teachers about the fact that I was disruptive, that I couldn't sit still, that I was causing trouble for the other students, that I was being a disruptive influence. The irony, of course, is that I was being disruptive because every time I felt like I couldn't focus, I would crack a joke. And what winds up happening when you crack a joke is the class laughs and you get a dopamine hit, which would allow me to focus. So, ironically, I was getting in trouble because I was trying to focus, but I wasn't told, hey, your brain thinks different. Your brain is different. Let's figure out better ways for you. I wasn't told that. I was told you're being difficult and there's something wrong with you. And when you spend the first 18 years of your life hearing that, you spend the next 30 trying to unlearn the fact that you're broke. If I can help kids who are five, six, seven years old today learn at that age that they're not broken, that they're gifted, then they won't have to spend the next 30 years of their lives in therapy like I had. And they're not going to assume that every good thing that they do is actually just a fluke and they haven't had any of their true success at all. Waffles. Shut up. They won't assume they've had any real success in their life at all. I assume that everything I've done every day today is the day that The New York Times writes a story about what a fraud I am. And every day when they don't do it, it's obviously because I'm not important enough for The New York Times to write a story. This goes on every single day. So if I can help a child understand that having a different brain is actually a good thing, and I can stop them from going down the shame spiral for the next 30 years, then it's worth every single thing. And it was a fun book to write in typically ADHD fashion. I had people from the day I launched faster than normal. I had people say, oh my God, just do a kids book and ADHD. I said, yeah, I should. It took five years to do it, and then I wrote it in 2 hours. And when I wrote it, I found this amazing illustrator out of Brazil and she did all the illustrations, and the book was Live in a Month. And so it's one of those things where I really, really believe that children with neurodiverse brains are going to save us all. Nothing new has ever come from anyone with a normal brain. And that doesn't mean there's not a place in the world for normal brains. There are. But if you want creative, I just gave a talk last month to Morgan Stanley 80,000 employees about neurodiversity because they finally are at the point where they understand that neurodiversity is something that should be celebrated and something that can improve your company and improve your bottom line. So now I'm getting calls from Adobe, from Google to go in and talk about this stuff. And that's my goal, is to help expand that conversation. Companies are finally spending more on mental health. I'm speaking to schools all about this, and the boy with the faster brain, like I said, was really written for those kids. I remember I spoke to a school in Wayne, New Jersey, a couple of months ago, and this kid comes up to me the end of the talk, and I'm going to cry because I can't talk about this crying. Kid comes up to me fifth grader, his eyes were down the entire time, sitting on the floor. He wasn't really looking. And he comes up to me, the end, his eyes are still down. He goes, I just want to thank you have never read a book about someone like me before. And I just gave him like the biggest hug. That's what I want to do. And if this book does that even in slightest, then I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:13]:

You talk about the importance of everyone understanding neurodiversity more and how not only impacts us as parents, but how it impacts the child. What are some of the biggest let's just say, what are some of the things that people don't understand the most when it comes to neurodiversity? And what do parents need to understand if they believe that their own child is neurodiverse and they want to be able to support them better?

Peter Shankman [00:15:42]:

Well, the first one is most definitely that your child is not broken, your child's gifted. The premise of children with neurodiverse needs special help. Just to be normal is bullshit. You're not normal. That's the beauty of it. That's what I want, right? You want to not be normal. You want to be thinking differently. You want to have this fun. So that right there is the very first answer. And so I would take it a step further and say that, yes, when you're told there's something different about your child, your first instinct is to freak out don't learn as much as you can. Talk to more than one doctor. It's like buying a house. You don't just go visit one house. Talk to more than one doctor because you might have a misunderstanding of what neurodiversity is. Again, when I was growing up, it was sit down and disrupt in the class, and so you felt like everything you were doing was wrong, when in fact, I was reading on a college level from first grade because I loved it so much, right? It was the stuff that I was bad at, the stuff I didn't love so much that I was bad at that I couldn't math, science, things that I just couldn't grasp. So it's all about figuring out what the kid is good at and highlighting those things, really enjoying those things, letting the kids have fun with the things that are most important to them. Look, I'm not anti medication. I think in some instances, I have a prescription for Concerta. I think I took last time I took a pill was about five weeks ago, six weeks ago. I just rarely take it. I take it on days when my assistant says, if you don't get these five expense reports into me today, and we get them to the client, you're not getting paid. She goes, Take your damn pill and do it. So be it. But most of the time for me, I am able to use other ways to focus and other ways to get that dope meaning. So work with your kid and understand there are different ways and different things they can do to learn about themselves, and they're not broken. This is not a death sentence. It's not a curse, nothing like that.

CHristopher Lewis [00:17:26]:

I have to agree with you there, because I found out also as an adult that I had ADHD. And people in my life have probably always known they've always known that I had that in my life. The way that I thought, the way that I did things, the way that I balanced many other things. But just like you, I tried medication, found it, didn't really do what I needed it to do. And I've built a lot of coping mechanisms throughout the years to be able to deal with it. Now, if I talk to my partner in my life, I think she would probably tell you that there are still some times where she probably thinks that I probably should be on some meds to be able to calm things down. But she understands, and we learned together that I had this in my life as well. And at least one of my daughters I know has it as well, and she does not want medication either. And we've talked about coping mechanisms and things that they can do to be able to be successful in that regard. And I think that for parents, it's good to understand that your child does not have to be on medication to be able to be successful. In some cases, you might need that, but it doesn't mean that you have to do that. And that doesn't have to be just because that you have a diagnosis doesn't mean the first step means medication.

Peter Shankman [00:18:47]:

And that's the thing, I think, that a lot of parents don't understand, is that medication doesn't need to be a first line of defense. It could be a last resort. It can be combined. It should be combined. Pills don't teach skills. Right. If you're out there taking medication every day, there's tons of stories about kids who get on meds when they're five years old. They're on meds, so they're 25. Then they're kicked off their parents insurance, and they can't afford it. Now. What? They've learned nothing. Right? So now all of you don't have the crutch of medication. Now what do you do? So, yeah, there's a lot of things that can be done in addition to medication. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. CBT, DBT, regular therapist. And I've been going to the same therapist now for over 20 years. The guy's amazing. He looks like Einstein. He has a social acuity. He is the technological acuity of a turnip. But he saved my life more than once. So those are the things that you need to understand, is that medication is just one arrow in the quiver of everything you're doing.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:37]:

Peter, I think you made this clear, but I want to hit home the point that for you, as you share this book out into the world, you get it in front of different audiences, you get it into local libraries, you get it into those local bookstores. You get it in front of the PTAs and teachers. What's the biggest takeaway that you want for parents and kids in reading this and leaving at the end of the book?

Peter Shankman [00:20:03]:

Different kids learn differently. You can't sit 35 kids in a classroom and expect them all to be automatrons and do the exact same thing. That's what happened to me. And it starts off with, you sit wherever you want, and then a couple of weeks later, they notice you getting distracted. They move you to the front of the room. Well, now when you get distracted, it's a lot easier for the teachers to see that you're getting distracted now. You get in more trouble quicker. What they should do is they should push in the back of the room, and they should say, okay, you know what? I get the way you are. If you need to stand up or walk outside, do a couple of jumping jacks, whatever, do some deep knee squats, whatever, come back in with a little bit more dopamine, feel free. Those are the kind of things that I'm seeing now in some schools. It's wonderful. We also all grew up with the premise of sit down in the morning, watch your cartoons while eating two bowls of chocolate frosted sugar bombs, then get driven to school. How about we take a 30 minutes walk, then give a kids a couple of eggs and some protein and a big glass of water, and then send them to school? So different things. They tried that in Texas. They replaced 20 minutes of recess with an hour every day, and they replaced breakfast and lunch that were mostly carbs and sugars with proteins and good fats. And they saw something like a 19% decrease in outbursts from ADHD, outbursts from boys, and a I think it was like a 29% increase in girls participating in class because girls present ADHD differently than boys do. And so that's massive. That's massive. Did nothing else. But they gave them more exercise, and they changed the food. So you look at things like that, you're like, wow.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:26]:

Peter, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our Fatherhood Five, where I ask you five more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Peter Shankman [00:21:33]:

Go for it.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:34]:

In one word, what is fatherhood?

Peter Shankman [00:21:37]:

That I've walked the face of this earth?

Christopher Lewis [00:21:39]:

When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Peter Shankman [00:21:43]:

When I picked up my daughter from school earlier this year. One day, I picked her up almost every day, and I picked her up, and the teacher came over to me, said, no big deal. Just want to let you know that Jessa and a boy got into a little argument, and Jesse used a curse word when talking to him. I said, well, what'd she say? He goes, she called him an asshole. And I know that she totally got that from me, because we're on our scooter. We go on our scooter every day to school, and you try scooting in Manhattan, you're going to call someone asshole on every trip. It's just what it is. And so he goes, she called him an asshole. I go, we fucking deserved it, right? And the teacher just cracked up. That was when I knew I was a good parent. That's what I knew. I was a great dad parent.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:28]:

Now, if I was to talk to your daughter, how would she describe you as a dad?

Peter Shankman [00:22:32]:

Dad is crazy. Dad makes me laugh. Dad is a skydiver. And dad goes on TV a lot, and he loves me very much.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:41]:

Who inspires you to be a better dad?

Peter Shankman [00:22:43]:

My father. Without question. My father. And then I think my daughter as crazy as it sounds. Because when I had sort of my awakening in 2016, when I realized everything, this is when I realized about my ADHD, when I wrote the first book on ADHD, everything. In 2016, I caught my awakening year. I realized that the only people whose opinions really matter to me are my daughter, my parents, my girlfriend. That's it. And I stopped caring what other people thought. And that was just this incredible, incredible level of freedom. And so. Yeah. I'd say my daughter inspires me because I want to do the best job I can for her, because she's who matters.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:19]:

You've given a lot of piece of advice today as we finish up today, what's one piece of advice that you'd like to give to every dad?

Peter Shankman [00:23:27]:

I think there comes a point when we realize that we feel like we're trapped, right? Oh, I have a kid. I'd love to be living in Asia right now. There's no question about it, right? Especially with what's happened to America in the past, like, five years. I'd love to be gone. I'd love to be in Asia. I love Asia, for I could live like a goddamn king on one 10th the amount of money it cost me to live in New York. And I could live 20 times better if I was in South Vietnam or something, right know? But you can, right? But the one thing you can control is the people you associate with. And one of the greatest quotes I ever heard ever came from an old skydiver friend of mine. And you want to listen to old Skydiver because if they're still alive, if Skydiver 40 years, they've done something, right? And this guy said to me goes, I was complaining about how the people who I live in the city with don't understand why I go up to the Skydive every weekend. The people who I Skydive with don't understand why I want to come home every weekend. You know, come home because I like things like hot water, and I go up to the drop zones. I like jumping. I was kind of surfing that duality, right, where both things were different. And this old guy looks at me and goes, you know, if you can't change the people around you, change the people around you blew my mind. I'm like, that's the best piece of advice ever gotten. And it goes back to what I said earlier. Life's too short to surround yourself with annoying people. So the best piece of advice if you can't change the people around you, find better people.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:35]:

Peter, if people want to find out more about you, about the book, about your other books, where's the best place.

Peter Shankman [00:24:41]:

For them to go? My entire life [email protected] my email is [email protected]. All my books are on Amazon. They're everywhere. And then I'm at Peter Shankman on all the socials except Twitter. I quit Twitter because I just cannot take what has become. But other than that, I'm at Peter Shankman everywhere else. I'm pretty big on Instagram, so, yeah, feel free to follow me anywhere you'd like.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:58]:

Well, Peter, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for writing this book for kids like you and other kids that, as you said, may have been not seeing people like themselves in books. And I wish you all the best.

Peter Shankman [00:25:15]:

Pleasure was mine. Great to be here.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:17]:

We know that no child comes with an instruction manual, and most dads are figuring it out as they go along. And the Fatherhood Insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on Fatherhood. Through our extensive course, library, interactive forum, step by step, roadmaps and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it [email protected]. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the Dadswithdaughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes. Today dads withdaughters is a program of Fathering together. Find out [email protected]. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week, all geared to helping you raise strong, empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:06]:

We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time we give the lessons we make the meals we buy them present bring your AC because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the one to them be the best that you can be be the best that you can be you close.

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