Damn, That's Scary

After a week long lasagna bender celebrating the current YEAR(?) OF THE FULL MOON, your favorite semolina slayers find themselves imprisoned in the dank, dark depths of a kinky Italian castle! We discuss upcoming releases from Isaac “EZ” Ezban and “Money” Mike Flanagan, then speculate on the subtext of Stranger Things, and feign enthusiasm for the sure-to-be-sh*t-show that is Halloween Ends! Our feature review is Stuart Gordon’s cautionary tale of drunk driving and hastily-inherited foreign real estate…1995’s “CASTLE FREAK”! We’re spaghetti soldiers on a meatball mission, and not even a cat-hungry, sack-dragging, albino CHUD can hold us back!

Mister Charles Bandichev, tear down this wall! This week we’re studying abroad, and our scholastic sights are set on the suspiciously (formerly) soviet streets of Prejnar, Romania! But first, we’re talking anthologies with American Horror Stories, an unearthed special edition of Event Horizon, and some movie trailers that tap into our deepest, sweatiest fears! Our full moon feature is the 1991 Transylvanian tragedy “SUBSPECIES”, starring the sauce boss of sucking, Ragu “Marinara” Vladislav! FULL MOON JULYCANTHROPY includes vampires too, because we make the rules, and if you disagree we’ll bite your neck! BLEHHHH!!

Our FULL MOON SUMMER FIESTA howls onward, this time with some much needed elegance and class! We’re nothing without our listeners, so when we were called out on our piggliness, we gave the show a full overhaul of opulence! (Just kidding, this episode we make weiner jokes for 50 minutes then pass out drunk in each others’ arms) But first, we take advantage of our rare moments of clarity to discuss the upcoming H.MF.R. Giger video game “Scorn”, Phil Tippet’s decades-in-the-making animated opus “Mad God”, and a very special alleged cryptid photo from the down-underverse! Then we lick our lycan lips over Lowell Dean and his 2014 police procedural drama “WOLF COP”! Burglars beware, no criminal scum is safe from Lou Garou… HERE COMES THE FUZZ!!

Hide the silver and lock yourselves indoors because FULL MOON JUNE is a thing we’re doing now! So chain yourself to a radiator and check out our spoiler-free review of Cronenberg’s “Crimes of the Future”, come get some Duke Nukem movie news, and learn why Neve “Not In Part 6” Campbell may or may not be in Scream 6! (Also some seriously spooky streaming series announcements!) Try not to transform until after our feature review of Philippe Mora’s 1987 ozploitation pouchfest “THE HOWLING III: MARSUPIALS”! Get comfortable because the wolf moon has arrived, and these woods aren’t safe at night!

We’re piling ourselves into our sarcophagi and sealing ourselves into a sandstone tomb full of cobras, because the time has finally come to wrap up the mumtastic mumsploitation mumth of MUMMAY! But before we begin our eternal slumber we’re bringing you Stranger Things news, a Pennywise BTS documentary, and a quick update on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre interactive video game! But fear not, antics await with the globetrotting Fraser Family (tm) as we review the 2008 mandarin misadventure THE MUMMY III: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR! So if you’re a tomb robber, pyramid pilferer, grave grabber or crypt criminal…please come resurrect us with some kind of scroll or magic jewel, we have a show to do and we didn’t really think this thing through…

Stuff your lunchables in a sack and get your buns on the bus, MUMMAY is taking you on a field trip to the museum! We barf our way through a brief review of “Salo”, enter the Predator-verse with “Prey” news, and cleanse our filthy palettes with the “Resurrection” of Rebecca Hall and Tim “Bellboy” Roth. Then we’re camping out overnight in the Egyptian wing for the 1932 KARLOFF KLASSIC, “THE MUMMY”! Get ready for husk-hypnosis and mummy-magic, because this is one public exhibition that won’t get you arrested!

The mysterious mumth of MUMMAY mumtinues, and we’re trippin sandy balls on pyramid gas! We hallucinate some SCREAM sequel updates, regurgitate a big wet pile of RESIDENT EVIL, and make a high-stakes bet regarding the early career of Keanu “Theodore” Reeves! When we finally regain consciousness, we delve deep into the tomb of the Safariman with 1981’s “DAWN OF THE MUMMY”! We talk the mummy talk, we dance the mummy dance, but if we catch you walking like a Mesopotamian we’ll remove your brains through your nasal passage! IT’S MUMMAY!!

Pack your organs in a jar and bundle your booties in bandages, because the time has come to mummense our new mumthly movie mumstravaganza…its MUM-MAY! (get it?) Strap in, we’re taking a trip to Egypt (and possibly outer space), to raid some tombs, resurrect the husks of ancient royalty, and nationalize some serious treasures! We tease a Sam ”Darkman” Raimi x Stephen “Cocaine” King adaptation, revive Wan-O-Mania with the upcoming sequel to “The Nun”, and discuss the intimate personal affairs of the Smith family for “I Am Legend 2: The Entanglement Continues”! We’re unwrapping MUMMAY with a terrifying tetrahedron full of fetid feral found footage felines as we review the 2014 mummsterpiece “THE PYRAMID”!

Judgment Day is finally here as we conclude our (approximately) month-long MARCH of the PENGUINS! But before we get raptured we honor the illustrious careers of Ace “Drugs” Frehley and James “Lo Pan” Hong! Then check out some sacriliciously scary trailers, speculate on the future of Glen “Danzig” Danzig’s directorial adventures, and make a few shady backdoor deals with the devil! Our final revelatory review (for now) is the 1978 satanic sequel DAMIEN: THE OMEN II! The 13-year-old prince of darkness is on his way to Chicago, and hell’s coming with him! Ya hear me Bugenhagen?! HELL’S COMING WITH HIM!!

Gilbert has died (sorry, that’s on us), so this week we celebrate his legacy of vulgarity as he clumsily descends into hell like a squinty, spastic Mr. Magoo. We also check out the trailer for the latest film by David “The Body” Cronenberg, Spirit Halloween Store attempts to make a movie (good effort, guys), and Micah finds himself a bold new hat! Then we bring you the biggest crossover since John Edward bought a dress, as we team up with the SLASHERS podcast to review the 1971 Tromabortion “PREACHERMAN”! (Check out their episode this week for our tag team review of “TROMEO and JULIET”) MARCH of the PENGUINS meets TROMARCH for the ultimate trip to the dirty, sinful south!