Darin Tries to Understand Harry Potter

Wherein people don't like Harry Potter anymore; some guy named Justin takes a nap; and I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever.

Wherein I had to cut out a whole section of this episode about my idea that Quidditch is just a figment of Harry's imagination because a) I didn't actually believe it; b)I discovered an even better conspiracy theory, and two seemed excessive; and c) I don't think anyone should have to listen to me talk about children's books for more than 20 minutes at a time.

Wherein Harry and the gang discover that the Chamber of Secrets has something to do with ethnic cleansing, the metaphysics of ghosts are as baffling and nonsensical as everything else in this book, and Bossy Girls prepares to ask some tough questions.

Wherein Harry gets in trouble for tracking mud through the floor like he's freaking Marmaduke or something; some ghost has his birthday on Halloween because he's an attention-starved diva who can't be bothered to observe it a day later; and Harry and the gang listen to some New Jersey Hardcore.

Wherein the racial politics of wizards and muggles is discussed at a length that borders on tedious, we get some fun celebrity cameos, and Darin tries to set the record straight about Nas's sophomore effort "It Was Written."

Wherein the author has a lot of nothing to say about the nature of celebrity, some dork in a Mid-Atlantic accent comes in to ruin the book, and the Pixies put on a rowdy concert.

Wherein Harry and Ron fly to Hogwarts, Harry and Ron get in trouble for flying to Hogwarts, and Darin blathers on about Weberian disenchantment for some reason.

Wherein a whole bunch of people go shopping, and two grown men display some serious toxic masculinity.

Wherein gnomes are thrown and lampshading abounds.