Wherein Harry has a birthday, the narrator continues to be fatphobic, and the book is fascist.

Wherein the book ends.

Wherein Harry and the gang walk into a room. And then another room. And then another room. And then another room. And then anoth...

Wherein Hogwarts' disciplinary system is just as nonsensical as everything else about Hogwarts, and we are introduced to not one, not two, but three Centaurs.

Wherein there's a dragon, for some reason. Oh and we find out that wizards have the power to completely upend ontological foundations. So that's cool.

Wherein we find out who Nicolas Flamel is, we become insanely dissapointed by who Nicolas Flamel is, and I complain about how I don't like the villains.

Wherein some actually endearing and intriguing things happen for once.

Wherein Bossy Girl becomes not bossy, Bossy Girl sets a dude on fire, and Harry eats a ball that's also a bird.

Wherein the rules of Quidditch are discussed, and so is the bullshit concept of being a "natural."

Wherein I complain about the narrator, and about Harry's characterization, and about Hogwart's baffling pedagogy.