Dating, Relationships, and Disability

This week Kathy takes on a heavier topic: trauma-informed care, and how trauma shows up in dating for people with disabilities.

Content note: This episode discusses abuse and sexual violence. Please take care of yourself as you listen.

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In this episode of Kathy O'Connell's Friendship Series, Kathy talks with Camille, a close friend of nearly four decades, about their friendship and the role disability has played in it. They met in college, shared a wide circle of friends, and later lived together. Their lives stayed closely linked through marriage, family, and the college friend group they still share today.

In this episode of Kathy O'Connell's Friendship Series, Kathy talks with Camille, one of her closest friends. They met near the end of their freshman year at Le Moyne, about 39 years ago, and later lived together. Camille lived next door to their friends Lynn and Beth. Beth, Kathy's friend since 7th grade, is now Camille's sister-in-law: Camille met her husband John at Beth's wedding.

Camille, a quieter accounting major, remembers Kathy as bubbly, confident, and someone who seemed to know everyone. She briefly wondered what Kathy could do, like drive, but Kathy simply did it. Camille trusted her to ask for help when she needed it. The friends were often more upset by strangers' stares and comments than Kathy was. Kathy credits her parents for her confidence, especially their message that she might need to do things differently, but she could do them. A favorite shared memory is friends pulling and pushing Kathy up a steep hill on a shortcut home, laughing the whole way.

Kathy recalls how hard it was when she wanted a boyfriend and apologizes if Camille bore some of that. Camille says she remembers nothing bad. She had hoped someone would love all of Kathy, and eventually Scott did. Her advice is to be open, show who you are from the start, and keep putting yourself out there. She notes that dating is harder now that so much of it happens online.

Camille says the friendship is mostly like her others. The difference she values is that her kids grew up with "Aunt Kathy" and learned to see people's differences naturally. Kathy's speech can be hard to follow when she's emotional. Understanding her helped Camille with her son Jackson's speech impediment and taught her patience. Camille admits she once worried about Kathy holding her adopted son Jaden as a baby, but Kathy proved her wrong. Both agree that any new mother has those fears. Kathy also mentions that teenage Jaden sometimes gets embarrassed holding her hand in public, which Camille calls typical teen behavior.

Camille's favorite memories are of laughing together and living together, and of being in each other's weddings. Both call their college friend group a chosen family. Camille says she leaves their weekends together feeling happy inside. She admits the interview was outside her comfort zone, but says good friends should be able to talk about this.

249 - Everybody Has a Thing

253 - From Coworkers to Chosen Family

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The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy

Take our Dating Success quiz.

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Artwork photo by Elevate

The Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook launched today. Today's episode covers the two stages we hadn't unpacked yet: active dating and mastery — the payoff for everything built so far.

This is where earlier prep meets real people, and it's not a victory lap — it's its own demanding phase. Disclosure conversations now happen with unpredictable reactions; researched venues meet real-world logistics. That friction isn't failure, it's just what preparation looks like under real conditions.

The reframe: success here isn't landing a partner. It's showing up consistently, authentically, and resiliently — implementing your strategies without losing yourself, recovering from a bad date without spiraling, and staying in the process through a dry stretch instead of quietly vanishing.

The dating journal is a key tool in this stage — treat it like game film, not therapy. After a date, note what worked, what felt off, what you'd change, and what moment felt most authentic. Over time, personal patterns emerge that generic advice never could.

This is where dating confidence becomes life confidence. It has no finish line — like integrity or maturity, it's ongoing: strategic evaluation, a support system that evolves with you, and mentorship. Once you've moved through these stages, you're carrying knowledge that others navigating disability and dating badly need.

None of this is about becoming someone else to be dateable. It's about becoming more clearly, confidently yourself, and bringing that self into dating without apology. Disability doesn't disappear — your relationship to it changes, from something to explain away to one part of a whole, valuable person choosing who they date.

The Playbook is out now — $27 digital, $45 hardcopy

Internal self-worth work and external dating skill are different muscles. Believing you deserve a good relationship doesn't automatically teach you how to handle logistics or anxiety-inducing moments in real time — that gap is where this stage of the work lives.

A self-advocacy script for moments when anxiety causes shutting down or over-explaining:

Practice it first in low-stakes, non-dating situations (asking for a theater seat, requesting a table) so it becomes automatic before you need it on a date.

Dating with a disability often involves extra planning, research, and expense: vetting whether venues are truly accessible (not just labeled so), budgeting for transportation, and preparing backup communication methods. Naming this openly turns it from chaos into a manageable system.

There's no single right way to disclose a disability — instead, a three-tiered framework matches disclosure to relationship stage: what goes in a profile differs from what's shared before a first date, which differs again from a deeper early-dating conversation. The goal is language that feels natural and confident, not rehearsed or defensive.

Strategic planning only helps if you can tolerate that some attempts won't work out. A key skill is distinguishing legitimate incompatibility from actual ableist rejection — not every "no" is about disability; sometimes it's just an ordinary mismatch.

With a tested dating platform, a disclosure script, a safety plan, a budget, and a known list of accessible venues, dating shifts from chaotic to manageable. Preparation doesn't eliminate nerves — it keeps them from being the only thing driving the experience.

DESC method: a repeatable self-advocacy script, rehearsed in low-stakes settings first.

Name the accessibility tax: plan venues, transportation, and budget as a system.

Disclosure is tiered, not one-size-fits-all, across profile, pre-date, and early dating.

Preorders for the Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook are open now - limited discounted supplies:

$15 digital

$30 spiral bound 

Take our Dating Success quiz.

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Artwork photo by Elevate

Dating and relationship success is skill-based — not a personality trait, not luck. It's a set of capacities (self-awareness, resilience, strategy, consistent action) that can be built and strengthened like any other skill.

Most clients ask, in one form or another: "Will someone accept me, and accept my disability?" Ableism teaches that disability must be overlooked or tolerated for love to happen. That's false, but it takes real work to unlearn.

The framework doesn't start with apps or profiles — it starts with self-esteem and self-discovery. You can't build a healthy relationship with someone else until you've built one with yourself. Whatever you believe about your worth leaks into every interaction.

When the internal question shifts from "will they accept me" to "are we compatible with each other," you stop auditioning for acceptance and start evaluating fit. You state accommodation needs plainly instead of apologizing for them.

Resilience, empathy, problem-solving, and advocacy skills that often develop through disability experience aren't deficits — they're genuine relationship assets. Part of the work is learning to actually see and believe your own strengths.

Give yourself grace to move at your own pace — without using self-work as a permanent excuse to avoid dating. Sustainable confidence lives in the middle path between rushing unprepared and never starting.

This is a sequential, evidence-informed path: self-worth → strategy → real-world dating → mastery. It's a skill-building system — it works because you work it.

Quick takeaways:

Preorders for the Five Stages of Dating Success Playbook are open now - limited discounted supplies:

$15 digital

$30 spiral bound 

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Dating requires skills — and disability adds complexity. But disability services are built around health, safety, and independence, not romantic fulfillment. Sexuality remains taboo, no structured framework exists for disability-specific dating barriers, and success gets measured by employment or housing, never relationship quality.

Kathy O'Connell, a certified rehab counselor with 36 years in the disability field (nearly 30 as a counselor), was born with cerebral palsy. She spent 20 years dating through trial and error with no models or resources. A turning point came on a date when she openly named her disability and what she brought to a relationship — that date became her husband.

A sequential, skills-based framework:

Sexual ableism — the false belief that people with disabilities aren't worthy of romantic relationships — runs through all of it. The framework isn't linear-rushed; it honors individual pace, addresses shame and trauma, and treats dating skills as transferable to other life areas.

Kathy's complete Five Stages of Dating Success program — built for support coordinators, therapists, and disability professionals — packages this into modules, milestone checklists, and action libraries. 

We're talking with researcher Dr. Kathryn Pedgrift, focused on relationship and sexuality education for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD). The conversation covers Pedgrift's academic article, her "Relationships Decoded" curriculum, and broader systemic barriers to this kind of education.

Kathryn describes co-developing a curriculum called "Relationships Decoded," used in schools, middle and high schools, and transition programs. The material is freely available and not centrally tracked, so she can't say exactly where all it's used. Her team has spent the last three years researching its effectiveness through pre/post interviews with teachers.

Asked which layer of the ecological framework (policy, training, family attitudes, peer access) is most urgent, Kathryn points to peer access and immediate, hands-on education and skill-building, noting that current gaps exist within a larger historical and systemic context.

Kathy describes a local program where individuals with disabilities attend classes alongside a direct support person for eight months to work on a specific relationship-related goal tied to their care plan. Kathryn expresses mixed feelings about this model. While she agrees some skill-building support is appropriate, she argues that at some point staff and family need to step back and let the person live according to their own sense of meaning — including the freedom to make mistakes, take emotional risks, and be a full human being, not just a set of measurable goals. She notes systemic pressure toward this "goals-based" approach, since many funding agencies only pay for services tied to measurable objectives.

Kathy raises the substantially higher rate of sexual assault among people with IDD and asks what gap in relationship education creates that vulnerability. Kathryn responds that:

Kathy notes she found little existing research connecting education to reduced abuse rates. Kathryn confirms this is a real gap, attributing it largely to systemic barriers: people with disabilities are often classified as "dependent adults," which triggers a much higher consent/protection bar for research participation. She sees this as working to their disadvantage, since it limits the evidence base that could otherwise support their needs. She adds that much of the useful existing research on this topic comes from outside the United States.

Kathy asks whether abuse statistics might help persuade reluctant caregivers to support relationship education, since caregivers often assume such risks "don't apply" to their own family member. Kathryn agrees this data can be compelling, while noting she doesn't want to rely purely on fear-based messaging. She adds another angle: when people aren't given this education, they're more likely to exhibit "unexpected social-sexual behavior," which is often the actual reason people get excluded from community settings or placed in more restrictive environments — a point she believes can also motivate families and staff to support education.

Kathy asks why so much programming focuses on behavior management ("don't post those pictures," "learn to say no") rather than teaching romance, communication, and healthy relationships directly. Kathryn explains that most referrals she receives are triggered by a specific incident or behavior that alarmed someone, which pushes services toward being reactionary rather than preventative. Programs get built around damage control instead of proactively teaching relationship skills.

Kathy raises the idea that all behavior is a form of communication and asks whether professionals dig deep enough into what a person might be trying to express when a "concerning" incident triggers a referral. Kathryn agrees this doesn't happen enough — often, someone is simply communicating a desire for a relationship or intimacy, and the professional response is just to shut the behavior down ("don't do that, that's not safe") rather than teaching a safer way to pursue the same underlying need.

Discussing how to teach self-awareness through this lens, Kathryn says professionals need to learn to be less controlling and to respect individuals' privacy — including in online interactions or behind closed doors. She suggests professionals sometimes overreach in the name of safety, casting themselves as protectors in a way that ends up being overly restrictive. She acknowledges she doesn't have a complete answer but believes professionals often need to consciously "back off."

Kathy asks about Kathryn's experience training professionals. Kathryn says nearly everyone she encounters agrees this education is important, but most don't want to be the one teaching it themselves. Kathy notes she's observed the same pattern. Kathryn attributes the reluctance to a mix of discomfort and lack of resources, and specifically to liability concerns — for example, fear about how to respond if abuse is disclosed during a class, especially among school staff who aren't trained as therapists. Kathy, who identifies herself as a mental health counselor, agrees and describes her own approach of reassuring professionals and encouraging them to try anyway rather than defer entirely to specialists.

Kathy asks what "effective inclusion of disabled voices" looks like in curriculum development. Kathryn describes a project where her team interviewed people with disabilities on camera about what they wished they had known before adulthood regarding relationships. Answers included wanting to have known about abuse before experiencing it, and about online scams before losing money. These lived-experience insights became a foundational part of the curriculum design. Kathryn stresses that without directly including people with disabilities in development, non-disabled curriculum designers will have blind spots about issues that matter most.

Kathy shifts to asking about addressing ableism specifically related to sexuality within curricula. Kathryn says she frequently hears a desire from the community for peer-to-peer education — structured sessions built around key facts, but with room for people with disabilities to discuss personal experience and give each other advice without non-disabled staff present in the room. She sees this as a valuable complement to formally taught content.

Kathy pushes back slightly (in a "devil's advocate" framing), asking whether support staff also need this education themselves, given how "clueless" they can be about ableism related to sexuality. Kathryn agrees enthusiastically, saying it's valuable to have staff present and engaged during this kind of teaching.

Asked how involved staff typically are when Kathryn teaches her curriculum, she says it varies widely — sometimes staff are active participants, sometimes they're passively present, and some classes have no staff at all. She finds it most productive when staff are engaged and comfortable with the content, noting that comfort level varies a lot person to person.

As the interview wraps up, Kathy asks what a single meaningful research question or desired outcome would be for relationship education. Kathryn says the biggest marker of success is simply someone being able to participate in a meaningful relationship after taking part in this kind of education. She shares specific examples she considers wins:

Asked what she'd most want to research next, Kathryn identifies professional resistance to delivering this education as the biggest unaddressed barrier and an area she'd like to study further, since it hasn't been researched directly despite appearing to be a major obstacle. Kathy agrees this would be a valuable research direction.

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

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Allison, founder of Innervue (yourinnervue.com), started as a psychotherapist before moving into industrial-organizational psychology, where she's consulted for nearly three decades. She later trained as a coach and eventually created Interview after noticing a recurring gap between how people intend to come across and how others actually experience them.

Innervue is like a 360-degree feedback tool, but for life instead of just the workplace. Users invite friends, family, exes, colleagues, or anyone in their circle to answer the same questions about them anonymously. An AI feature strips out tone and harsh language while preserving the core message, so feedback lands as constructive rather than hurtful. The platform covers 14 skills and behaviors, including communication, conflict resolution, composure, humility, and positive outlook.

Interview has found particular traction in the dating and matchmaking space. Citing research showing only 10–15% of people are truly self-aware despite 95% believing they are, Allison explained how the tool helps coaches and matchmakers see beyond a client's self-perception. Common blind spots in dating include mistaking self-protection for discernment, or being "low maintenance" that reads as unavailable.

Kathy raised how people with disabilities often worry about how they're perceived and may hesitate to seek honest feedback. Allison emphasized there's no one-size-fits-all answer, but stressed that feedback isn't about flaw or fault — it's about clarity and agency. She encouraged anyone with hesitation to pair the process with coaching support rather than navigating it alone.

Reports include 30-day action plans, short instructional videos, and interactive worksheets tied to specific themes. Users can also access ongoing coaching to work through what the feedback reveals and build new skills over time.

Allison shared a vision of Innervue eventually partnering with dating apps, potentially giving users who've completed the assessment a visible marker — helping growth-oriented, self-aware people find each other more easily. 

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

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Mike Elliott is a relationship expert, men's coach, and founder of The Initiated Man. Though Mike doesn't have a disability, Kathy invited him to apply his expertise on intimacy, self-love, and emotional safety through a disability/ableism lens.

Mike was adopted twice within his first year of life, creating deep attachment wounds that led to relationship patterns of pushing partners away. His marriage ended after seven years, triggering a "dark night of the soul" that pushed him into inner healing work. He initially built his coaching career helping women heal their relationship with masculine energy, then shifted to primarily coaching men toward mature masculinity.

Mike defines "sacred relationship" as using relationship as a vehicle for personal awakening—practicing boundaries, communication, and intimacy (defined as mutual felt safety, not just romance). He argues self-love often must first be received from others before it can be internalized, especially for those who experienced early attachment ruptures.

Mike acknowledged that disability likely intensifies societal rejection and unconscious abandonment. His core advice: don't let the "I'm unlovable" narrative win—challenge it, since it's rooted in fear rather than truth. He shared personal practices like placing a hand on the heart to access emotional wisdom over overthinking.

A central theme was making small, incremental changes to rewire the nervous system for connection—e.g., sharing one vulnerable truth, or taking one small step toward meeting people—rather than expecting instant transformation. He tied this to neuroplasticity ("neurons that fire together wire together").

Mike emphasized surrounding oneself with people who offer respect and encouragement, setting boundaries against unsupportive environments, and using anger constructively as a boundary-setting emotion.

Referencing Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, Mike suggested focusing on small, controllable sources of joy (music, breath, sensation) even when circumstances can't be changed.

Mike closed by validating that shame and fear are natural, especially for men, but urged listeners to locate even "1%" of self-love as the foundation for pursuing connection despite risk of rejection.

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

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Artwork photo by Elevate

We break down the Five Stages of Dating Success framework, built specifically for people dating with a disability. Standard dating advice assumes everyone shares the same confidence, experience, history, and body — it was never written with disabled daters in mind. So when someone says "I don't know where to start," the real question isn't which tactic to try next, but what stage of the dating journey am I actually in? The framework is fluid: you can hold pieces of several stages at once.

Stage 1 — Foundation & Self-Discovery (~4–6 months). The inner work before a single date: self-worth, self-esteem, self-awareness, and a disability-positive identity that treats disability as an asset. Don't rush it.

Stage 2 — Confidence Building & Resilience (~3–4 months). Dating confidence with a disability means assertiveness, bouncing back from rejection, and keeping dating anxiety from spiraling.

Stage 3 — Strategic Planning & Action (~2 months). The practical magic: how and when to disclose your disability, choosing dating apps vs. in-person events, safety planning, and finding accessible date venues.

Stage 4 — Active Dating (ongoing). Actually dating, reflecting, and adjusting your approach. Quality over quantity — this stage can last years.

Stage 5 — Mastery & Sustainability. Confidence becomes second nature, and many disabled daters begin guiding others.

Most dating frustration isn't a lack of effort — it's applying Stage 3 or 4 energy while Stage 1 work is unfinished. That mismatch turns one rejection into "see, I knew this wouldn't work." Knowing your stage stops the endless tactic-hopping and the comparison to people in a completely different place. Think of it as a dating realignment, like a chiropractor visit: a roadmap geared to where you actually are.

A free quiz (no account required) identifies your stage. New options: a $27 personalized stage guide generated from your specific quiz answers, or a guide and plan option with 30-minute coaching call to review results and build a forward plan. Both live at relatabilityllc.com under the "Your Dating Roadmap" tab.

Questions? Contact me.

You're not behind and you're not dating "wrong" — you may just be attempting Stage 3 moves on a Stage 1 foundation. Give yourself grace and build from where you actually stand.

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate