Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Continuing our Friendship Series, I chat with Karen Hoffman and Julie Baum, a married couple with decades of experience in human services. The episode focuses on friendship rather than dating, exploring our 30+ year friendship.

Karen was introduced to disability services as a child through her father's work at a psych center post-deinstitutionalization. Julie entered human services in 1988 against her father's wishes. Both worked at the same disability services agency as Kathy in the early 1990s, where their friendship began.

None of them clearly remember meeting each other, just a "crazy fun summer" together (around 1992-93). Julie recalled being struck by how intelligent and capable Kathy was, contrasting with lower expectations she'd previously held for people with disabilities. Karen's only nervousness was worrying she wouldn't understand Kathy's speech, though she quickly adjusted.

Julie noted parallels between communicating with Kathy and now caring for three aging parents with hearing loss, emphasizing patience as a universal skill.

Julie shared genuine difficulty when Kathy moved an hour away to Syracuse, making regular contact harder. They see each other only about twice a year now.

Karen discussed isolation and lack of transportation as major barriers to friendship and dating for people with disabilities. She criticized how human services often frames disabled people as only needing support, rather than recognizing mutual, reciprocal relationships. Funding cuts to social/recreational programs (in favor of "goal-based" skill programs) have worsened isolation.

Julie admitted assuming parenting would look different for Kathy given her disability, but never doubted her capability—just anticipated needing creative modifications (informed by her 12 years as a job coach).

Both emphasized starting with friendship, not over-focusing on finding "the one," being authentic, and not letting a "vision of utopia" prevent finding real connection.

They reminisced about a mutual friend's wedding, a memorable dinner with fireworks, and watching Kathy maintain long-term friendships from college, which reassured Julie that Kathy was someone worth investing in long-term.

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

It's Disability Pride Month, and while this topic has been covered previously, this episode dives into how pride shows up specifically in dating.

Ways to respond to backhanded compliments with pride, not shame:

You probably have your own that you follow.  Share them with me. 

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Vanessa Cushing, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, talks about sexuality, disability, and dating.

Vanessa defines healthy sexuality as centered on connection over performance, requiring safety (freedom from coercion, STIs, unwanted pregnancy) and enthusiastic consent — knowing what you want, how to ask for it, and that it's safe to say no.

People with disabilities are often desexualized because others see the disability rather than the whole person. Vanessa stresses that disabled people are inherently sexual beings (unless they identify as asexual) with the same desires and needs as anyone else, and deserve to have their sexuality acknowledged and even eroticized if they choose.

Asexuality means ambivalence toward or absence of sexual desire, distinct from disability — one doesn't cause the other. Asexual people can still have romantic/sexual relationships. Vanessa emphasizes accepting oneself without shame if desire is absent.

Vanessa encourages self-affirming beliefs like "I am a sexual being," "I deserve pleasure," and giving oneself permission to feel pleasure — regardless of disability or how long one has suppressed these feelings.

Here are the affirmations Vanessa shares in the episode:

Sex therapy addresses issues like erectile dysfunction, premature/delayed ejaculation, low desire, desire discrepancy between partners, pain during sex, anorgasmia, and kink/fetish-related shame. Any sexual distress qualifies. Timelines vary — simple issues may resolve in a few sessions, entrenched patterns (like long-term desire discrepancy) can take up to a year.

Sexual trauma, common among people with disabilities, often causes disconnection from self and others, dissociation, hypersexuality, or avoidance. Therapy helps process trauma and rebuild healthy sexual connection.

Like quitting smoking around friends who smoke, changing negative environments matters. When someone depends on a non-affirming caregiver, Vanessa suggests exploring priorities and whether other care options exist. She teaches "sexual assertiveness" through practice exercises like "May I/Will You" dialogues to build comfort asking for support (e.g., help accessing sex toys, adaptive lingerie).

Toy selection is individualized based on what feels good (clitoral, vaginal, anal stimulation, etc.). Pleasure exploration isn't limited to sex — dancing, holding hands, and other sensory experiences count too.

Website

Instagram

Facebook

Sex Therapy Pro   

Accessible Lingerie

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Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Marking episode 250 with a look back at why this show exists and what it's covered since October 2021. Kathy founded the show to be a comprehensive resource helping people with disabilities navigate dating with confidence. Her approach blends her professional background as a mental health counselor with her own experience dating for years with a visible disability before finding a long-term partner of nearly 20 years.

Dating is a learnable skill set, not luck or magic — built on communication, problem-solving, and self-knowledge, for disabled and non-disabled daters alike.

Use the podcast page to search for episodes on these topics.

Over 250 episodes, Kathy has brought in a wide range of voices:

Listeners can email Kathy to request an episode on a disability or topic not yet covered.

Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and  items. And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

The Friendship series has kicked off to examine what is similar and different when a disability is present - and how friendship development is a lot like dating - they both involve vulnerability, taking risks, and acceptance.

Kathy O'Connell and Nancy met at 18 as freshmen at Le Moyne College in Syracuse. Nancy first noticed Kathy when a professor seemed impatient with her during class — likely because of Kathy's disability — and introduced herself afterward to say so. Kathy had no idea it had even happened. That moment bonded them, and nearly 40 years later they're still close friends.

Nancy never found the friendship difficult or different in any meaningful way. She simply saw Kathy as a funny, trustworthy person and treated her accordingly. The one hard moment she witnessed was a stranger at a bar assuming Kathy was drunk because of her speech and movement — something Nancy found genuinely upsetting to watch.

The one real communication challenge: when Kathy gets emotional, she speaks faster and becomes harder to understand. The clearest example was the day Kathy called to share that her son Jaden's adoption had been approved — Nancy, in the middle of a store, misread the tearful, fast-paced call as bad news and nearly dispatched her husband to flee to Canada with the child.

Nancy's view is simple: friendship is the foundation of any relationship, and disability doesn't change that equation. Her advice to people afraid of rejection — disabled or not — is to start small (coffee, a walk, a note), stay honest, and keep trying. As one of her students once said: "You might be the juiciest peach ever picked, but some people just don't like peaches."

Belly laughs. Shared humor. Total trust. Neither woman sees their friendship as different from any other deep friendship — just two people, both the youngest child and only girl in their families, who found in each other the sister they never had.

Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and action items)

And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Stage 4 (Active Dating) of her "5 Stages to Dating Success" framework. It's a tactical, mini-workshop style episode pulling content from her curriculum aimed at professionals in the disability field.

Kathy mentions show notes links for:

Five Stages of Dating Success curriculum for professionals in the disability field

A survey for feedback on an upcoming playbook covering all 5 stages (skills, milestones, and action items)

And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Kathy O'Connell shares that she's working on a new book about dating and relationships with a disability — a follow-up to her earlier book Firewalk: Embracing Different Abilities.

The book focuses on two key themes:

Why she needs YOUR help:

The heart of the book will be real stories from real people. Kathy is collecting experiences through a short survey — whether you've lived with a disability and experienced sexual ableism in dating, or witnessed it happen to someone you love. The survey has three main questions, and you can optionally leave contact info if you're open to a follow-up interview.

"Data and statistics don't change people's minds. Our stories do — because they are real, human, and powerful."

📋 Please take a few minutes to fill out the survey — your story could be in the book and help shift how the world thinks about love, disability, and who deserves connection.

👉 Take the Survey Here

And share it with anyone in your life who might have a story to tell! 💙

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Pauline Bosma is the founder and coordinator of the Rainbow Support Groups, a network of support groups for LGBTQ+ people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Pauline works for Massachusetts Advocates Standing Strong, where she also leads sex education webinars and trains people with disabilities to respond to and report abuse.

Oscar Hughes is a PhD student in special education at Boston University. He collaborates with LGBTQ+ adults with intellectual and/or developmental disabilities to create resources that support gender and sexual expression. He also works as the assistant to the Rainbow Support Groups and as a sexuality education trainer for Elevatus Training.

We chat about the following:

What is your background or personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilities?

Resources

The Rainbow Support Group

Rainbow Support Group Guidebook

Contact Pauline and Oscar here

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile Guide

Tell me what you want in a dating playbook.

The Five Stage Dating Success Framework is designed to guide people with disabilities through the process of finding meaningful relationships. Stage 1 covers foundation work and self-discovery. Stage 2 builds confidence and resilience, including the ability to handle rejection. Stage 4 is active dating, and Stage 5 focuses on navigating relationships. But Stage 3 — the strategic planning phase — is the essential bridge between inner work and real-world action.

The core idea is simple: if you plan ahead, you can be more present. When logistics are handled before the date, your energy is freed up to actually connect with someone rather than worrying about accessibility, communication, or safety in the moment.

The first step is deciding how you're going to date — online, in person, or a combination — and then researching your options thoroughly. If you're using dating apps, assess how accessible and easy to use they are. Look beyond functionality too: does the community culture reflect inclusion and a welcome of diversity? If you're meeting people in person through groups, events, or regular activities, ask the same questions about those spaces.

One of the most complex parts of dating with a disability is knowing when and how to disclose. Kathy recommends a three-tiered approach. The first tier is what you share in your profile or early messages. The second is how you communicate your access and support needs before meeting someone in person. The third is how you navigate deeper, more personal conversations about your disability once a relationship begins to develop. Having this strategy mapped out in advance removes a huge source of anxiety and lets you move through early dating with more confidence.

Safety planning goes beyond the standard advice of meeting in public places. For people with disabilities, there are additional layers to consider — backup communication methods if your primary one fails, whether a personal care attendant may need to be present or nearby, and having trusted people who know where you are and who you're meeting. Building this protocol before you start dating means it becomes a natural part of your routine rather than a stressful afterthought.

Dating costs money, and for people managing fixed or limited incomes, that's a real barrier. This skill is about getting creative and realistic. Look at what you can genuinely afford to spend on dates each month, then research free or low-cost accessible options in your area — parks, free community events, coffee shops — that still offer a comfortable and safe environment. Budgeting also means accounting for any disability-related costs, such as transportation or accommodation needs, that others might not factor in.

Building a personal database of accessible venues in your area is one of the most practical things you can do before you start dating. Knowing in advance which restaurants, parks, and venues work for your needs means you're never scrambling on the fly or feeling anxious about an unfamiliar environment. The more options you have, the more flexibility and confidence you bring into every date.

Your dating profile is often the first impression you make, and it should genuinely reflect who you are. This includes thoughtfully integrating your disability into your profile if you choose to. The goal isn't to lead with your diagnosis, but to present an honest, complete picture of yourself that attracts people who are truly compatible. Kathy notes this is one of the areas she's written about most extensively, and she links a dedicated guide in her show notes.

Reaching Stage 4 — active dating — isn't about perfection. The stages in this framework are fluid, not rigid. But there are clear indicators you're ready: you've selected platforms that feel accessible and culturally comfortable, you have a clear disclosure strategy across all three tiers, a safety protocol is in place, you've set a realistic dating budget, you have a working list of accessible venues, and you've created a profile that honestly represents who you are.

Start by researching your dating platforms or in-person opportunities and evaluating them for accessibility and community culture. Then draft your disclosure strategy using the three-tier model. Map out what your safety protocol will look like, including any disability-specific needs. Set a monthly dating budget and begin identifying free or low-cost accessible venues in your area. Each of these steps can be taken independently and built on over time — and completing them means that when you do start dating, you're showing up prepared, grounded, and ready to connect.

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

This is a strategy that can apply to nearly everything in life, not just dating. But of course, we’re going to talk about it as it relates to dating.

When you’re overwhelmed and maybe unsure what the answer is to a dilemma, many times you don’t need to wait, search, or find an answer. Often you just need to make a decision.

Have you ever heard of the “miserable maybes”? It’s when you’re stuck in the loop of waiting for the right possibility to drop. The problem is there are various possibilities and you begin thinking, “Well, maybe if this happens, I will…” Then a short time later, you think of another possibility and you say, “No, maybe I should do…” You’re in the miserable maybes of possibilities and it doesn’t feel good. 

It feels different from having possibilities you can consciously choose from, say having two people who want to date you and picking the one you like better.

Miserable maybes happen when you’re not choosing any option and waiting to see what happens but agonizing over it in the meantime.

Make. A. Decision.

You’ll feel much better. So how does this look in the dating world?  You can make decisions like this:

Deciding puts us into action, which is a really good place to be when we’re dating. Making a decision also forces us to have boundaries about a situation and stop living in waiting for a magic solution. Even if you decide and it turns out to be the wrong decision, you probably learn something that will help you in the future.

So, my friend, what is one thing in your personal dating journey that would help you to make a decision on? Often counselors like myself tell our clients the answer is within them and that’s because it is. It just needs you to make a decision for it to appear.

Check out coaching in dating and relationships with me to get the support and relationships you want.

Take our Dating Success quiz.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate