Diapers Off! (Season One)

We are joined in the studio by funnyman Scott Capurro, an American comedian of Genoese descent. Scott can be found on the UK morning show, The Wright Stuff, where recently he antagonized a group of disgruntled vegans.

He starts by regaling us with the story of a sacrilege masturbatory tribute to the crucified Son of God and how that got him banned from the Australian comedy circuit. We talk about fat vegetarians, how to never take hecklers personally and why audience members who “can’t find the joke” often feel embarrassed and turn on the comic. Scott was closeted in the 80’s, trying vainly to make jokes about shagging women and machismo. That didn’t go over so well, so he came out.

One distinction between the US and UK comedy scenes is that, in the US, comics must single out ethnicities and make fun of them, so that each ethnicity feels represented. Miss a particular black, Indian or hispanic joke and certain audience members feel left out. That’s the difference between Racism and Representation. Scott discusses the Seinfeld Effect, which hit the circuit in the 1990’s. Comics, the world over, started doing bits like, “Cardigans – what’s that all about?” or “Women & Toilet-Paper – what’s that all about?”

Scott shares that 20 years ago, women and gay comics weren’t even invited to college campuses, so he’s happy students have become more sensitive and politically correct: today’s atmosphere is more inclusive. Peter and Scott descend into a political morass before surfacing to talk about Brexit and the changing nature of power: these people think “being white gives them an automatic wild card in the game of Monopoly – but it doesn’t anymore. Your skin color doesn’t help you in the world any longer.” We talk about Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson and an “England for the English” before moving on to San Francisco and London, each forcing astronomical costs of living on its young people. According to Scott, the “Hippie History” of San Francisco is dead and the dream of the “artist in a loft” is long gone.

We talk about Stinson Beach in Marin, with its ominous signs alerting bathers that “Great white sharks breed in these waters.” And, yet, surfers are out every day, on their boards. To a British mind, this is outrageous, but Paul and Scott both attest to the American facility with statistics: you’re more likely to get stabbed at an ATM in London than eaten by a shark in the waters off San Francisco.

Finally, Scott is asked where he’d like to be transported in history as a gay man: post-war NYC. Great social progress, radical liberalism and a music and arts scene, nonpareil. Ending on a political note, Scott predicts we’ll have a gay President before a female one, and, despite his distaste for Trump, he’d gladly work a paid gig at the White House. You can catch Scott at the Soho Theater in February and on The Wright Stuff, weekday mornings.

If you love food, you’ll love this episode. We are joined by MasterChef judge and editor of Waitrose Food Magazine, William Sitwell. Among his many notable accomplishments, William was the narrator of Michelin Stars – The Madness of Perfection. It’s a fascinating BBC documentary on the competitive nature of modern haute cuisine with lots of great behind-the-scenes action (I’ve seen it twice).

We start by learning of William’s foray into college journalism before he waded into politics in his 20’s. An unlikely turn of events had him writing for Women’s Journal, penning such grippers as, “How to date again in your 40’s.” Asked during the interview for Waitrose Magazine why he felt qualified for the job, William responded, “Well, I eat!” Sitwell, the food writer and critic, was born! We discuss the anatomy of a long lunch – noon to midnight – and how the British version differs from the Continental one. In his recent book, Eggs or Anarchy, Sitwell chronicles the life of Lord Woolton, Minister for Food during WWII.

We learn why Hitler couldn’t find the Ministry when it decamped to Wales and why Britain, with only 40% food security, was increasingly vulnerable to starvation as the war stretched on. Paul learns how staggered rationing works and how such rationing encouraged Brits in the countryside to hunt game.

Sitwell’s earlier book, A History of Food in 100 Recipes, explores the earliest recorded attempts at cooking and baking. The first recipe: hieroglyphic instructions for making Egyptian flatbread. We speculate on the first cooked food – the flame making the meat easier to chew. Also: a detailed recipe for lamb and pork ravioli from 1470 in which the pasta is boiled for as long as it takes to say five Lord’s Prayers.

Finally, we discuss the advent of the London food scene with the Roux Brothers in the early 70’s. They started Le Gavroche in 1967, followed by The Waterside Inn at Bray. Many young chefs came through their kitchen and went on to launch top restaurants of their own: Marco Pierre White, Gordon Ramsay, Marcus Wareing. In a sign of how parochial London was then, one could only get olive oil at a chemist (pharmacy) and its commercial use was cleaning out waxy ears. Today, of course, London is a mecca for chefs and foodies alike and boasts many of the world’s best restaurants. Sitwell admits there is a lack of good provincial cooking in Britain (unlike in rural France and Italy), but says things are improving. And, we touch on why so few women run kitchens today and if that’s likely to change. Enjoy this wonderful exploration of food, history and the good life with William Sitwell. Cheers!

We are joined today by Kezia Noble, leading female dating coach for men. We had her on before - Episode #18 - and she’s back with a vengeance (and not a little good advice). She loved the episode in which we discussed “Where Party Girls Go to Die” and so, naturally, we start there. Kezia is appalled that young women today aspire to no greater heights than Instagram, and hold the botox-lipped, sex-kitten look to be the pinnacle of achievement. These young women are facing a ticking time bomb, she asserts, because they’re not developing any durable qualities or skills. Kezia shares that at 7 years old, she discovered her idol: Alexis Colby from Dallas. Alexis was brash, rich, and slept around. She was in control - the big boss. Another idol from Kezia’s day, Madonna, took mediocre talent and through hard work and grit sculpted it into a billion-dollar franchise. These women had what it took to succeed in a man’s world. Paul contrasts those aspirations with the celebrity infatuation that grips young girls today. They seem to abandon their own journeys to pursue the unattainable life of someone like Kim Kardashian. Such lack of foresight is dangerous, leaving many ageing party girls frustrated and bitter. At least “I was that girl with a back-up plan,” concedes Kezia. As women age-out of the party scene it might take a painful truth whispered by a girlfriend to let them know it’s time to bow out gracefully, their looks having deserted them on the dance floor. Paul asks if such honesty is welcome. “Never!” says Kezia. She’ll only get jealous and obsess on those words throughout the night. Better to focus on giving men advice. And so, we do just that, asking Kezia to tell us the 3 Things Men Do Wrong. After all, she’s coached thousands of guys since 2006, so she ought to know what mistakes they make. And she does. 1) Approach Anxiety. We sometimes euphemistically call them “butterflies” but these gnawing stomach spasms will hold you back. Kezia prescribes her mind management technique which focuses a man’s mind on the girl’s imperfections. 2) Fear of Conversation Failure - oh boy, this is a biggie. Kezia refuses to get too technical on this one, saving the best parts for her Residential Course, but she says it works for both introverts and extroverts. What attracts women to men is the trinity of i) a strong reality ii) consistency & iii) certainty in action - all of which we discuss in detail 3) Failure to Sexually Escalate, causing a Lapse into the Friend Zone. Many of us have been there and Kezia gives us her foolproof remedy: “5 Steps to Freedom.” Over the course of the hour, you’ll hear why Kezia dresses provocatively, why positive affirmations in the dressing room of a strip club don’t work and why “you should be really fucking scared if she only meets you for coffee.”

In a bit of Podcast Verité the guys break the 4th wall as they launch into a discussion of Why Dates Go Wrong. Meandering, Paul admits to his continued astonishment at being married; he thought of it as something “other people do.” Instead of the marriage stereotypes emblazoned on boardwalk t-shirts - “Game Over” - Paul has found he loves having a playmate to come home to at night. This anticipates a section later in the podcast, in which Paul claims that open communities evaporate by 40; a single, 42-year-old guy has nowhere to go. In their discussion of first date follies, the guys talk about key attributes of a “successful dater”: calm, pragmatic, stoic, not proud, thick-skinned. Paul talks about his days in NYC as a rigid, unyielding dater who reduced “degrees of freedom” to devastating effect. Peter and Paul discuss the perils of the 2nd date and joke that it should be eliminated altogether; more earnestly, they wonder which areas in ourselves we can accept and which we need to improve. Somehow, they get on the topic of frivolous youth and wonder if the iconic billionaires of today have cast a pall over people’s 20’s - a theme we discussed in The Billionaire Bust Up | Episode 14. Later, Pete tells us the #1 Problem in modern dating is too much choice and adds a personal note, joking he’s been the victim of a sympathy date but also that he likes to underperform in the early days to keep expectations in check. Paul is worried about the lack of relationship skills out there among young singletons - one girl Pete knows refuses to date an inexperienced man, saying she doesn’t want him to make his first mistakes on her. Paul understands the Achilles Heel of Mr. Single, dating machine extraordinaire: the inability to properly service a relationship. The transition for Paul was tough, at times, and he finally learned first-hand why IKEA is like kryptonite to single men. Paul pitches his upcoming e-book, On Marriage, and explains his take on the 5 Steps to the Altar: dating, courtship, cohabitation, engagement and marriage. Finally, the guys get nostalgic for youthful spontaneity and Pete worries that logistics will crowd out romance in his future relationships.

In this episode, the men discuss sacrifice. Learning how to sacrifice things in your life – how to kill things – is a prerequisite for maturity. Many of us grow up with multiple dreams, lots of friendships, myriad romances and many other distractions. Paul admits that by 40 he had to learn the painful lesson that indulging in every opportunity was costing him purpose and, ultimately, a satisfying life. Pete confesses that though his progress at 31 is acceptable, he wouldn’t be satisfied if his life was in the same place by 40. Standards of behavior and lifestyle need to change as we age; sacrifice is how we get there. The men also discuss the uniquely challenging prospect of a “creative life” since success is determined by “getting it right” and not just by following a predefined protocol, as in most careers. Finally, the guys discuss Steven Spielberg and Pete convinces Paul that Spielberg would have succeeded in any business venture – he just happened to choose film. This is because his “product” is entirely customer-focused, avoiding any personal indulgence that won’t resonate with audiences.

In this episode, we explore the idea of communal living. The Kidbutz of Topanga Canyon is a budding experiment in house-sharing with kids. Two single mothers and a single father live together in a rustic two-million-dollar home in a cool Los Angeles enclave. With shared parenting duties and divided housekeeping and cooking responsibilities, this model seems a workable and very flexible alternative to marriage and monogamy. For these only children, the quasi-siblings around them provide constant playmates. And, parents know there’s always an adult present. But, there are pitfalls to communal living: jealousy, money issues and secrecy. Peter mentions The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky, in which families living communally in Denmark advocate the flexibility of such an approach. Whereas, before, single mothers had to cook every night, now they’re only on the hook for 3 or 4 big meals a month. The other nights they can go to yoga or out on a date. Paul brings out the heavy guns with Sex at Dawn and talks about the “origins of monogamy” and “policing the womb,” in a tone of self-satisfaction that rightly irks Pete. Following the thesis from Sex at Dawn that monogamy is a consequence of private property, Paul observes that many married couples become focused on private property – on buying a house, accumulating trappings of success, etc. The men discuss the generalization that single people are defined by what they do, whereas married couples are defined by what they have. What are the reasons for this? Against this backdrop, the kibbutz lifestyle is refreshing. Does a viable alternative to marriage threaten the institution? Pete has some thoughts on the principles of the Catholic Church and the men conclude – a bit tongue in cheek – that 10,000 years ago tribal man had his cake and ate it, too: harmonious parenting without monogamy. Will we ever return to that model?

Our funniest episode yet! On the show this week is Leo Kearse, veteran stand-up comedian from Dumfries, Scotland. We start off by joking how bullies can identify bad apples before tackling the perils of shaving and how a comedian can possibly fake it at a corporate job. Like Peter and Paul, Leo doesn’t hide his work from mom; she comes to some of his shows, sharing her opinions of his work. Leo’s been at this hard slog for 7 years and is finally making a living – sort of. Peter and Paul can relate. We talk about how much mileage a comedian can get out of a given set and whether it’s possible to cross the line in comedy: How do you crucify a spastic baby? We talk about censorship in the arts and how the audience is voyeuristic, indulging in off-colour humour at the show, then returning to neatly packaged, politically correct behaviour back at home and in the workplace. We talk about “keeping notes” of jokes or ideas, something Larry David and other comedians practice; Paul does the same for the podcast with his Little Red Book. What about playing it safe? Not taking the shot with a joke when the stakes are too high, or it’s inappropriate? Unfortunately, that’s when the opportunity for comedy is best. We talk about Newcastle girls and The Dark Side of Stand-Up: loneliness, depression and alcoholism. Leo confesses that the circuit attracts a lot of “broken souls.” We also discuss the ideal of a really funny, sexy woman – like Sarah Silverman – and the realities of dating a working comic. Finally, the guys discuss Why Children Don’t Read Self-Help and why the comic can always pick out the one sour face in the crowd. Catch Leo’s new show “I Can Make You Tory” at the upcoming Leicester Comedy Festival.

We call this episode Empathy for the Other Sex. What are the frustrations and challenges of living as a woman which men don’t fully appreciate? How come women are blind to the hardships and difficulties that we, as men, face? In this show, we try to step into the other gender’s shoes and look at life from their perspective. Among the ideas explored: attractive women becoming suspicious of duplicitous male motives; the double-edged sword of using one’s looks to gain an advantage in social or professional interactions; the moment in which a woman’s sexual magnetism evaporates; and the fickle nature of male sexual attention. Many of these things contribute to the modern female’s building cynicism towards men and dating. We also explore the profound trade-offs women face between family and career. On the male side, Paul emphasizes the weight of cultural expectations which men carry. Most males of his generation are saddled with post-war ideas about masculinity: that the man must be strong, the breadwinner and head of household. This idea is extremely handicapping. It delays a man’s emotional and relationship development until he is “ready” to commit to a woman. Establishing oneself so that leading a family becomes a viable option has become nearly impossible in many expensive global cities. In this way, both men and women are shortchanged by such outdated ideas about what it is “to be a man.” Unfortunately, women still sexually respond to this archetype, ensuring it will linger. Pete observes his female friend dismiss several effete males in a bar. When a macho guy finally approaches her, she rejoices, “Now, there’s a proper man!”

Paul opens this episode contemplating bachelorhood. He saw a 40-year-old Hank Moody type drive by the other day, alone in the car. The guy had a grey t-shirt and stubble, and looked as though he hadn’t a care in the world. Standing on the sidewalk, Paul wondered whether the man was a carefree bachelor or, in fact, a bedraggled husband and father, stealing a few moments of solitude from his family. The weird thing about 40 is that a guy can legitimately be the carefree, exciting bachelor, or the responsible family man; either lifestyle is possible. On that division line there are trade-offs, profound ones. Bachelor life is cool and it’s exciting to be footloose and fancy-free. But, at 40, a single guy may not be part of standard society and he can become marginalised. The other side of the bachelor coin is loneliness and isolation. Peter and Paul then discuss the idea of Intact Families (nuclear family) versus Broken Families (divorced) and why society holds up the enduring nuclear family as the preferred model. Even the word “broken” implies problems, though the statistics make clear that children of divorce are not necessarily disadvantaged, provided the father remains present. We discuss the plight of a friend who “likes getting married, not being married” and has therefore been to the altar five times. He’s a member of the dubious 1/32nd club. Pete makes the case that divorce can benefit women stuck in abusive relationships but that, equally, it allows men to discard older women in favour of pretty young things. Paul asks if marriage is passé. Marriage is still the default destination for heterosexual (and, increasingly, homosexual) couples but it suffers from several problems. Implicit in the marriage arrangement is the notion that a woman is property, an adjunct to the man. In fact, in the old days, a woman who married Mr. John Simpson became Mrs. John Simpson. It was only after hard-won emancipations that women retained their given names in marriage, to become, let’s say, a Mrs. Sue Simpson. Further independence saw women hyphenating to Mrs. Sue Simpson-Lennard and finally, today, some married women retain their maiden names: Mrs. Sue Lennard who is married to Mr. John Simpson. Finally, the men discuss Paul’s father’s dictum that “A bachelor is the most honest type of man.” In other words, a bachelor is not bound by decorum. He can speak his mind and manage his own PR. He’s got nothing at stake, no one to offend. A man in a relationship checks his behaviour because there’s potential fallout from his girlfriend or wife. This reminds Paul of the Vince Vaughn movie, The Break-Up, in which Vaughn begs his friends to side with him in a disagreement. They all abandon him, each fearing the retribution that will later come from their wife or girlfriend. Vaughn is an isolated man. The unspoken price of society is that the individual loses freedoms as he surrounds himself with others. He is restricted, muzzled, compromised. We speak here of freedoms of expression, but there are many others. However, isolation is very painful for the human species. For mere survival, and for the richness which companionship brings, we agree to limit our autonomy. In many of our relationships, truth is less important than harmony.

Paul opens this morbid episode by asking, “Why can I stomach a slow, reflective death but trauma unsettles me?” Suicide jumpers, car crashes and accidental deaths are too difficult for him to watch and yet he can travel in tandem with someone on a reflective descent into the abyss, such as Paul Kalanithi in When Breath Becomes Air. Why is that? In fact, Peter makes the case that a looming deadline (literally) is more torturous, giving the example of the 26th minute in Werner Herzog’s famous death row documentary. We also discuss why we can explore dark places in history or fiction but as soon as they are real and personal, they become unacceptable. We dare not look. There seems to be an incongruence between abstracted death and immediate death. Paul is stunned to learn that the most requested “final meal” of death row inmates is McDonald’s, because it conjures warm and comforting memories of an innocent childhood during the most acute moments of adult distress. The inhumanity of subjecting people to such a cruel fate hangs in the studio air. Pete relates the story of a young stage actor who was uncharacteristically calm on the eve of a planned suicide. Perhaps he took solace in that last act of control, choreographing his own fate. Control is a hallmark of many addictions – to drugs, alcohol, food, gambling – and is often exerted when an individual feels his or her own life is most “out of control.” Controlling one’s fate via suicide is the apotheosis of this concept. In the second half of the episode, the men focus on the language of sexual conquest. Pussygate shocked many Americans because Trump’s language was vulgar, distasteful and aggressive. Paul asks why men use such language to frame their sexual exploits. His premise is that access to the female body is among the adult male’s most difficult and persistent challenges. In approaching this often insurmountable goal, men have developed a language of conquest, akin to language they might use facing Mount Everest. It is not usually politically correct. Women, on the other hand, often speak of male prospects with the language of capture: “bag the man”, “get the guy”, “he’s marriage material”, “a good catch.” As the language of conquest objectifies women, the language of capture likewise dehumanizes the man, reducing him to his status and wealth, his claim to resources. As an offshoot of the politics of language, Pete focuses in on the theme of nuance. In a wide-ranging discussion we cover private versus public speech, how being politically correct is prejudice against the self, Fred Phelps (civil rights lawyer turned inflammatory bigot and cult leader), Harvard Law School’s Alan Dershowitz, “voir dire” (or jury selection) and why fundamentalists of all faiths are most likely to impose the death penalty. It’s a good one!