Diapers Off! (Season One)

Peter and Paul come back to the idea of “friendship” in this episode. Alarmed by the stat that 12% of men over 18 don’t have a single friend in whom to confide a serious life issue, the guys examine several articles on Why Men Lose Friends in Their 20s. Most of the reasons are clear – moving, girlfriends, less partying, less time, focus on the career – and yet social isolation remains a major, hidden health issue for men, contributing to high rates of depression and suicide.. Paul talks about his move to London at the age of 36 which he accomplished with very little social support. But, he admits, it would have been scary had he thought about it. Pete shares about a recent filming excursion to cover a PUA event in London and how the men craved a sense of community above their stated desire for women. Men do lack established social institutions outside of work, drink and sport, though the men’s movement is attempting to fill the void. Finally, the guys end on talk of planning and old age – and Pete confesses he hasn’t given aging much thought. Perhaps there’s a link between envisioning growing old and making the uncomfortable choices and sacrifices today that will provide for happy, contented twilight years.

The guys lead off this week with A Requiem for the Renaissance Man. Paul posits that market capitalism has killed off the possibility of the Renaissance Man. Large markets reward specialization as niche-players reap outsize rewards for excelling in a narrow market. These market participants need only excel at their specialization because they can outsource all their needs to a large and complex market that can feed, clothe, shelter and entertain them. This is in contrast to the rural farmer, who by necessity, must be a jack of all trades: he and his wife must bring in the harvest, cook, sew, build shelter and repair the wheelbarrow, all by themselves. Small markets require generalization. Some of the great polymaths in history - Aristotle, Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Newton, Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill - were able to master many domains, because knowledge was shallow. Now that each domain is so deep and broad, cross-disciplinary mastery is no longer possible. The guys then ponder whether a careerist can be a Renaissance Man… Do the demands and structure of a full-time job preclude the possibility of engaging with the world in a fluid way? Does responsibility kill the possibility of The Renaissance Man? Pete recounts how a finance friend of his had to schedule time in his calendar “to be creative.” The conversation then evolves into a discussion of how the market economy supports (or fails to support) the creative arts in Europe, the UK and America. Financial accountability is hard to achieve with artistic projects, the fruits of which often take years to develop and mature. Network television takes a different, more expedient approach than the BBC or cable television in the US. Finally, Paul confesses his love of “Panto”, a uniquely British invention and Pete explains the long-standing reputation of England as a “story-telling nation” with a tradition that reaches back through Elizabethan times to Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.

Paul fires a warning shot across the bow of marriage, alerting all young bachelors to the very real loss of three essential liberties: sexual freedom, financial autonomy, and freedom over one’s schedule (or time). Paul elaborates on what he’s learned during his first year of marriage and the reality that he now feels. Against the lamentable loss of these three freedoms the guys consider the benefits. For one thing, aging single people get bored of themselves, Paul asserts. Is he whistling in the dark, or are men who never marry and who are now in their 50’s really “one-note Johnny’s” whose lives are “on a loop?” Inevitably, Paul comes back to the question of why a guy wallowing in his personal freedoms would voluntarily surrender them, and yet he did it himself! What is this powerful force that can profoundly change a man’s outlook? Is it love? A wish for personal growth? Becoming broody? As the men search for answers, they hit on some deep issues: can a man grow-up without a woman? are most single guys just “getting by” with a bit of cash on the hip and a few girls in their phone? At the core of the discussion is whether men want to (or are able to) mature without a female force guiding them. Paul returns to his definition of maturity from an earlier podcast: anticipating change and preparing for it while you still have time and options. Part of the trapdoor of late capitalism is that it’s turned us into hyper-consumers in all areas, including romance. Just as we order a ride from Uber, or a book from Amazon, we are now conditioned to “order” a mate on Tinder or Match. With high expectations and a sometimes skewed sense of our own sexual market value, many of us don’t realize our options have dried up until it’s too late…

Mark Manson is on to something with his popular post, The Four Stages of Life. The article is here - I recommend you read it before listening to our podcast. I’ve read other “life stage” articles but this one very nicely explains why it’s important to mature and how we can move from one stage to the next. In the beginning, we learn through imitation and we seek approval. By late adolescence, we’ve hopefully moved on and formed our own identity and accepted that we will not always be liked by all people. Stage Two is Self-Discovery. This is where the article got personal for me, and why I had to do an episode on it. We start out by trying all sorts of things - experimenting - but eventually we come up against our limits: what we can and cannot do. Mature folks accept this. They focus on the few. For me, however, it’s taken until 41 to move on, and I’ve paid the price. I explain why in this episode. Part of the reason, as Pete and I discover, is that a creative mind which generates a lot of ideas must also develop a ruthless elimination mechanism: following bad or unsuitable ideas is a huge waste of time. I’ve always had a hard time killing things. My Harvard experience didn’t help, either, as I explain to Pete. Opportunity came knocking, and I was exposed to so much stuff; the sampling of life was intoxicating. Career choices were plentiful - who turns down six figures and glory on Wall Street? - so it took years to definitively eliminate options from my list. And, I had to do this “research” on my own, because I didn’t trust second-hand advice. As a result, I became a Peter Pan and now at 41 I can see that. Marriage has a way of shaking the tree. Peter offers consolation by way of comparison: many of the successful, middle-aged guys he coaches put their heads down at 20 and are only now looking up to realize they’ve got major gaps in their lives, particularly around women and sex. So, there’s a risk in committing too early, as well. In Stage Three, we’re done searching and we commit, and in Stage Four we protect and preserve our legacy. What I found most interesting is the payoff for maturity. Many people defend not growing up, but Mark has made explicit the risks: if we don’t mature we’re destined to be unhappy, at the mercy of others and the vagaries of external events. If we are able to mature, our “happiness becomes based more on internal, controllable values.”

Bayode Oduwole, CEO and founder of Pokit, is our guest this week. And what a guest he is! Our conversation is a fast-moving and eloquent exploration of modern men’s fashion and what it means to be British. Taking us back to the first days of the company, Bayode shares his memories of a British saddle maker near Birmingham that introduced him to bridle leather and all its possibilities. Soon after, Pokit’s first bag was launched and it soon became an iconic Japanese accessory (as Bayode says, “Better Lucky than Good”), fueling the growth the company needed to establish itself as a quirky alternative to Savile Row. We learn of Bayode’s previous career as a chemical engineer, wherein he employed the same exacting standards to pharmaceuticals that we can now find in his bespoke suits. On entrepreneurship, he remains realistic and tells his 40-year-old mates, “Don’t do it!” – there’s no shame in a contented, salaried life. As Bayode reminds us, not all daredevil entrepreneurs succeed: “Richard of York gave battle in vain!” Bayode and Pete agree that Britain loves an underdog, whereas America loves a winner, no matter his pedigree – a subtle, but important, distinction. Bayode educates the men on the origins of the British term “bespoke” versus the American equivalent “custom made” and how each has a particular application. In a flurry of discussion towards the end of the episode, the guys discuss “the myth of the suit”, the reason men buy suits, and how Bayode gives advice and guidance to men who have poor fashion sense. Finally, Paul voices his disapproval of young schoolboys wearing restrictive and formal suits to school when they’re just barely out of the sandbox. The two Brits descend upon him with a barrage of justifications and accusations, and “Esprit de Corps” gets mentioned several times. What an episode! Not to be missed!

In this second half of our Cannes foray, we open the mic in a very relaxed ranch-style setting in the hills of Antibes, surrounded by red bottlebrush plants (Callistemon viminalis). Pete airs his gripe about having to commute via the coastal train and the conversation turns to the benefits of living at a remove, dipping into and out of the action. Paul describes the evening train out of Cannes, along the water: an Agatha Christie-styled compartment with green leather seats and red curtains, the lights of Baie de Cannes twinkling in the crepuscular distance. After some initial joking, the guys arrive at the topic of this breezy episode: Networking in Cannes. Examining the myth that glamorous parties are the best places to network, Paul asserts that a serious meeting in an office in rainy January in London is likely to accomplish more than a drinks-fueled flirt between a randy film director and a hopeful actress in a strapless dress. In fact, the guys saw several attempts at “flirtatious networking” backfire as women were taken less seriously because they were sexually provocative. Pete sympathizes with attractive actresses who must balance sex appeal with credibility as they try to market themselves. The trick is to avoid putting your “tits above your talent” – a difficult proposition for an actress whose looks are part and parcel of her work.

Artwork: Picasso’s 1958 La Baie de Cannes

Where do party girls go to die? That’s the lead-off question for this breezy episode from the South of France. Women who bet on their looks may have a hard road ahead as age takes it toll; Peter and Paul see some sad examples on the Promenade de la Croisette. Pete explains that even his grandmother advised, “Now there are girls that men want to go out with, and there are girls that men want to marry.” In Paul’s experience, guys never marry the “hot, attention-seeking babe.” Discussing female behavior, the guys ask, “Is it true and is it fair that society will tolerate flaky, inconsistent and entitled behavior from a hot girl longer than it will tolerate the same behavior from a man?” A lively discussion ensues. Paul posits the idea of “character rehab” as remedy for women addicted to the attention and easy money of the party lifestyle - the “Jimmy Choo drip,” he calls it. In the end, many of these women exhibit an inability to take care of themselves, much less others (such as a husband and children). In the closing minutes, the guys discuss how fame and wealth can create distance from others and how they can have an isolating effect. At the exclusive parties in Cannes, why do we assume that the most interesting conversations will be with A-listers, rather than with the bathroom attendant?

Where do party girls go to die? That’s the lead-off question for this breezy episode from the South of France. Women who bet on their looks may have a hard road ahead as age takes it toll; Peter and Paul see some sad examples on the Promenade de la Croisette. Pete explains that even his grandmother advised, “Now there are girls that men want to go out with, and there are girls that men want to marry.” In Paul’s experience, guys never marry the “hot, attention-seeking babe.” Discussing female behavior, the guys ask, “Is it true and is it fair that society will tolerate flaky, inconsistent and entitled behavior from a hot girl longer than it will tolerate the same behavior from a man?” A lively discussion ensues. Paul posits the idea of “character rehab” as remedy for women addicted to the attention and easy money of the party lifestyle - the “Jimmy Choo drip,” he calls it. In the end, many of these women exhibit an inability to take care of themselves, much less others (such as a husband and children). In the closing minutes, the guys discuss how fame and wealth can create distance from others and how they can have an isolating effect. At the exclusive parties in Cannes, why do we assume that the most interesting conversations will be with A-listers, rather than with the bathroom attendant?

This week, we have two beautiful Dutch twins on the show to discuss equality, women in business, dating the same guy and how they built a global drinks franchise. Joyce and Raissa de Haas, identical twins separated by 11 minutes at birth, are young entrepreneurs fearlessly engaged in corporate battle with the likes of Schweppes and Fentimans. They’ve launched a line of drink mixers under the “Double Dutch” brand and their product range has recently been picked up by Richard Branson for distribution in the US market. Joyce, the older CEO, explains that a university talent for making cocktails in their dorm kitchen was the initial inspiration. After college, both girls came to London to study at UCL, achieving Master’s Degrees in Finance and Technology Entrepreneurship. Describing the origins of Double Dutch’s latest flavor - pomegranate and basil - Joyce explains, “Well, in my dissertation…” It’s the first time I’ve heard a beverage recipe come out of an academic inquiry! In this wide-ranging discussion, we talk about flavor engineering, kissing the same guy, Dutch attitudes towards women in the workplace, and the criminal potential of running a lucrative business with your identical twin. This is a light-hearted episode you don’t want to miss!

How do we know when something is dead? Boredom, tension with the boss, “in it for the money” – these are all signs that it’s time to move on. But it’s very difficult to leave a job, a relationship or a situation that we’ve grown accustomed to, even if the benefits are in decline. Paul admits he has tolerated attenuating circumstances in the past, distracting himself with holidays, hobbies or exercise because he didn’t know what to do and was afraid of change. Learning The Art of the Pivot, therefore, is a crucial skill of the mature man. How do we exist in the void between what we know and what we hope for? Stephen Shelley shows us how to use faith and courage to make a change when we don’t know what’s next. Peter and Paul then discuss a situation we’ve all encountered: someone isn’t doing a “good” job and we feel they could do better. Is that judgment accurate? Paul makes the case that emotional blocks to success are just as real as physical limitations or skills deficiencies. Somehow, though, because we can’t directly observe why someone is fearful, uncooperative or careless, we judge them differently than one who falls short because of a handicap or a lack of technical knowledge. Paul argues that reality is always right, and that – axiomatically – people always do the best they can at a specific moment, given the many undetectable and subtle influences on performance.